When Twilight sparkle finishes her new portal, she needs to find someone willing to test it. However, when someone passed through it, the portal became unstable and collapsed. Now, Twilight's test subject must learn the ropes of magic and sorcery to stand a chance at getting back home.
Magic the Gathering Crossover :)
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The concept of an MTG crossover was intriguing, but some of the plot elements do a lot to break suspension of disbelief. For a particularly major example...
"Once Bon-Bon had the leaves she needed, she quickly got to work weaving the leaves together to make a thin rope that she then used as a thread to attach the leaves to each other. After about a half hour, she had constructed some very skimpy two-piece outfit for Lyra and herself." Making rope out of leaves would be an EXTREMELY difficult process to accomplish. It's a major distraction from the story when it's described as what Bon Bon does in only half an hour with no indication of any sort of prior elite craftsmanship. I could bring up other stuff, but I figure a single example is enough for super-quick feedback.
11821888
I'm going to attempt to explain without giving too much of a spoiler for what I have in store, but it will be revealed later on that Bon-Bon was an elite weaponsmith and survivalist when she worked for S.M.I.L.E and it will play a plot point in the story. Would you mind giving me some other examples? Feedback on my stories is one of my favorite things to hear. I love knowing what people think I could improve on.
11822277
Hmm... Thinking back on it, the other major example I can remember is that a HUGE number of bits were paid per experiment, Lyra and Bon Bon had already done multiple experiments, and yet they were supposedly still strapped for money. The idea of fixing up the store and having the money to develop new recipes is a temptation for them, which doesn't feel like it makes sense if they've already been paid as much as they have.
Another issue is that Twilight was initially saying she was trying to get the portal to go to the Crystal Empire, but being unsure where it/s going now. Then, when Lyra/Bon-Bon come, she talks about how she was attempting to go to an alternate universe with humans. This issue is a bit more minor, as it's more readily believable there's important information in the gaps which isn't being said. In the five minutes that passed, Twilight could have thought she figured out the destination, as one possibility. Another possibility is that the human realm was the ultimate desired destination, and the Crystal Empire was just a practice location, and she forgot to mention that to Lyra and Bon Bon. Of the various possibilities, the main problem there is that the reader is left not knowing which of them it actually is- and some readers might not guess at those possibilities, and instead view it as a contradiction.
11822514
Again, there will be a reason they're still strapped for money and it has to do with something Lyra was doing that Bon-Bon wasn't aware of.
As for the crystal Empire thing, you can see Twilight change the coordinates before they enter the portal. "Twilight walked over to the console on the portal and began typing in a few numbers."
She was using the Crystal Empire as a testing point. But I do agree that it could have been more clear that she was doing that.
11822616
Okay- I guess the main problem is that things that don't have to seem weird to the reader aren't getting explained, then. When you give the explanations, it makes sense, but without them, and when there are plenty of things that lack them, it makes the readers think they don't exist.
11822626
I agree with you wholeheartedly but I think that leaving some things out of the first chapter can really make things interesting when you get a good turn of the plot in the middle or near the end. That's why I left the thing about the bits out. It creates mystery. For example, you're asking questions about it. I want that question to hang in the air as a sort of wonder. People will make their own guesses as they go through the story until it finally gets revealed. :)
11822642
It's possible to leave something as a mystery without letting the reader think you just didn't bother thinking through your plot. For example, Twilight could have questioned their lack of funds with the investment, and it get deflected by Lyra before Bon-Bon notices in a way that lets the reader know you hadn't just made a thoughtless plot hole.
11822670
There's definitely a good note there. I just put out the new chapter and you do actually get an explanation for Bon-Bon's quick craftsmanship during this one.
Btw, I take it you're a Magic the Gathering fan. How much do you know about the story that our two protagonists have found themselves in the middle of?