Stranger in a Strange Land

by Jeffrey2853

Chapter 1

Important Author Notes: The first chapter has been rewritten. It's mostly been redone at the point where Jeffery first talks to Princes Celestia. However, it might be a good idea to fully reread the first chapter just to get the right feel for it.

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Stranger in a Strange Land

Chapter 1

Twilight sighed in frustration and resisted the urge to facehoof. The creature had, for the most part, been polite… actually, if she was being honest with herself, it sounded like he was being quite rude. Then again, it was near impossible to tell with him.

By pony standards, he was unbelievably large, standing maybe sixteen hooves tall, weighing maybe one-hundred and fifty to one-hundred and seventy-five pounds. The creature had almost no fur on his body. What little he did have was very sparse, only really coming together in the form of a red mane on top of his head.

His face was, for lack of a better term, one of the oddest looking ones Twilight had ever seen in her short life. It was a crude caricature of what should've been natural. The nose was shaped like a pear and his eyes were far too small, rather beady looking actually. He had no muzzle to speak of, the way his mouth sat flat on his face made it seem as though someone had slashed the skin open with a knife. It didn't help that his lips were the brightest of crimson, looking more like a recent flesh wound.

He was difficult to read. Those ears were flat on his head instead of flaring out and he had no tail, unlike every other species Twilight had ever met. Not that she thought it would've helped much. The human, one Jeffery Nickolas Barker, was an emotionally guarded individual, that much she was sure of. During their entire conversation, his facial expression had rarely changed.

It was usually one of casual indifference. So far, Jeffery's voice had been the most unsettling thing she'd found out about him. That was saying something, taking into consideration everything else about the human. But that voice had somehow made everything he said that much more… creepy probably wasn't the correct term, but it was the only one she could think of at the moment. It was calm, deep, scratchy and just plain unnatural sounding. Twilight was reminded of a dog giving a warning growl every time he spoke.

It, strangely enough, made Jeffery sound bored and disinterested in everything around him. But that was just him using it to his advantage. Twilight saw how he regularly moved his head to examine the room, taking a special interest in eyeing the curtains and her older brother Shining, in full combat gear, standing opposite of him. He disguised his interest with yawns and stretches.

Speaking of which, Jeffery did it again. This time scratching his short red mane with a muscled hand as he spotted a patrol of pegasus guards flying past the window. Twilight reminded herself of his supposed rudeness. He spoke in that calm voice, yes, but there was always a certain edge to it, almost like he was giving an implied insult. Jeffery certainly didn't sound like he enjoyed her presence.

"Did I do something to upset you Jeffery?" Twilight finally asked.

This time his facial expression changed to one of minor annoyance and he waited several seconds before responding.

"… Not really Ms. Sparkle, I just enjoy talking with soldiers more than civilians." Jeffery replied at last.

A look of understanding crossed Twilight's face.

"So you hide behind that mask of yours. Because I make you uncomfortable." It was a statement, not a question.

Jeffery frowned and he gave a borderline glare while shifting in his seat.

"These chairs are designed for creatures with different spinel structures. It feels weird to sit in them."

Twilight rolled her eyes at the obvious attempt to throw her off. She had found out something about Jeffery, had made a chip in that emotional mask of his. It was clear that he didn't like it one bit.

Twilight gave a soft smile. "So how is your arm, Jeffery?"

She eyed the cast on his right arm.

"Better, but very annoying. The doctor says I no longer have to wear the sling." This time, the annoyance was much more obvious.

"You don't like doctors?" Twilight asked, briefly taken by surprise.

Jeffery's frown deepened and he glared harder.

'Uh-oh.' Twilight suddenly wondered if she should just call off the meeting now.

"I consider them a necessity. I even respect them for the dedication and hard work they put into their jobs. But no, I don't like them. They know so much about health concerns that they worry too much about even the tiniest of details."

Twilight noted that there was genuine loathing in that voice of his. Jeffery REALLY didn't like doctors.

"Anything else you don't like?" Twilight inquired further, her interest piqued.

She knew it was probably a bad idea to continue, but he was finally opening up a little bit. This was too good of an opportunity to miss.

"Therapists." Jeffery deadpanned. "Which you're beginning to sound a lot like, Ms. Twinklebutt."

Twilight's eyebrow twitched. 'Aaaand just like that, I've lost him.'

Despite her ever mounting irritation, the unicorn felt disappointment overcome her. She was just starting to finally connect on some small level when he shot her down.

'Then again,' Twilight thought, 'if I was in a different dimension and country, with a government system, culture and a species that was a complete contrast to my own and they were trying to find out things about me, I wouldn't be too pleased either.'

Twilight's sympathy went out to Jeffery.

"I apologize for upsetting you Jeffery. I honestly just wanted to talk to you."

Jeffery let out a frustrated breath, his face returning to it's casual indifference. "Do not apologize, Ms. Sparkle. I haven't exactly been Mr. Rogers myself to such a gracious hostess. I apologize for my condescending behavior."

Twilight smiled. "Thank you, Jeffery."

"It's not a problem Ms. Sparkle."

There was awkward silence after that as Twilight and Jeffery tried to think of something to say. Twilight glared at Shining, who just gave an amused smile.

"Well don't just stand there, say something Shining." Twilight hissed.

Shining's smile widened. "But I thought you wanted to talk to him without any help from your B.B.B.F.F."

"Tough love baby, things change. Besides, you're the type of pony he'd want to talk to the most."

"What makes you think I want to talk to him? Because he's a soldier just like me?" Jeffery asked, his frown returning in full force.

'Dammit Twilight, you pissed him off again! Quick, try to salvage the situation!'

"No, because you practically all but said that you wanted to talk to my brother instead of me since we got here." Twilight clarified.

'Heh, nice one Twilight.'

"I don't think I want to talk with you in my presence anymore Ms. Twinklebutt. You're much to observant for my tastes."

'No-no-no-no-no-no-no! This is NOT what was supposed to happen!'

"Please tell me you're joking." Twilight panicked.

"I'm joking." Jeffery was clearly amused.

"That's. Not. Funny." Twilight growled.

Jeffery smirked. "It was funny to me."

Even as she fumed, Twilight's inner egghead squealed with delight at the sight of a new facial expression. All other creatures had to smile in a different way because they had muzzles of some kid. Jeffery's flat surface made it so his expressions spread all the way across his face, instead of those small snout ended ones. It was actually even more unsettling than Jeffery's voice, somehow…

'It's because his voice isn't natural, but that hideous face of his on the other hoof…'

'Quiet you!' Twilight shot back at her inner egghead.

"Very well Ms. Sparkle, I will talk with your older brother. You may stay and observe if you wish."

"Really, you mean it?" Twilight's excitement returned and she grinned widely.

Jeffery's amusement was gone in a millisecond, replaced by a firm seriousness.

"But please try your hardest to make sure that's only as an observer, Ms. Sparkle. I don't mind if you interrupt to defuse a confrontation, but otherwise, I don't want your comments tainting this conversation."

'He sure knows how to kill the mood.' Twilight grumbled to herself, stepping aside to let her brother take her place.

"You can also bring out the papers and quills where I can see them. You aren't very good at hiding the fact that you have them nearby. I mean, seriously woman, I can hear the scribbling from behind the curtains over there."

Twilight blushed furiously as she gained the demeanor of a filly that had just got caught with her hoof in the cookie jar.

"Okay Spike, you can come out now. He knows your there."

"Aw man, and I hid myself so well too." Spike complained, pulling the curtains away and coming towards the table with writing supplies in hand.

Jeffery looked confused as Spike came to stand next to Twilight, but choose not to question why there was giant talking lizard in the room. He wasn't questioning a lot of things these days.

"So I'm going to assume you want to make this meeting into more of an interview, is that correct, Captain Armor?"

"That's exactly what I was thinking." That was a lie.

Shining had initially intended to go a more causal route. But Jeffery's conversation with Twilight had shown that he might not appreciate that. Strange as it seemed, Jeffery sounded like he wanted a more personal interview from someone the human viewed as an equal.

Shining put on his most authoritative expression. It was time to talk soldier to soldier.

"What is your name soldier?"

"Jeffery Nickolas Barker, sir."

"What rank do you hold and what country do you serve?"

"I am a Corporal in the army and I fight for the United States of America."

"What is your age?"

"I'm fifteen, sir."

"WHAT?!" Shining, Twilight and Spike cried in union. A combination of shock, surprise and horror overcoming all three at once.

Jeffery looked completely dumbfounded at the three's reaction.

"Yes, I'm fifteen, is there a problem with that?"

Shining was the first to regain his composure.

"But you're a… you're a kid… you aren't supposed to be a soldier yet."

Jeffery started to look angry.

"I completed my military training, therefore I am a soldier and I have killed, so like it or not, sir, but I am an adult."

"Not by Equestrian law you aren't." Shining countered… rather weakly he would admit.

It was the first time Twilight had actually seen Jeffery express genuine anger. He looked like he was about to explode at any moment. Shining was tense and getting ready to draw his sword. Jeffery had one hand on his knife and the other on that strange "L" shaped device. She had to do something fast.

"Please Jeffery, we weren't aware that your country has a different system. Will you please keep calm and explain?"

Jeffery removed both hands from his weapons and Shining dropped the telekinesis from his swords hilt.

"Fine." He said in the coldest and most strained voice Twilight had heard him use so far. "While under most circumstances, my country does not allow people to join the military before they turn eighteen."

"Just like us." Twilight beamed and Jeffery glared. "Sorry, continue."

"However, there is a government project that allows the use of children who don't have official legal guardians. Kids no younger than six and no older than eight are brought in. It's mostly an experimental program to create the ideal soldier. I'm a part of the first generation of kids that were brought in."

"If your country only let's people join the military when they turn eighteen, than how did they get this approved?" Shining asked.

"Bribery, political influence, lies, possibly death threats, you know Captain Armor, the usual things people use to get others to go along. Then again, maybe it's just one of those things that people thought sounded good at the time. I don't really know and to be perfectly frank, I don't really care. I'm a soldier and that's all I need to know."

Despite the disturbing turn the conversation had taken, Shining felt the need to keep it going.

"So how does one get picked for this program, Corporal Barker?"

"Well first of all, the examiners search public records to find potential candidates. Then they come by and observe what you're capable of. After a few weeks of observing, they will approach you and ask you to come in for testing."

"Do they give you a chance to refuse?"

Jeffery smirked. "Yes, Captain Armor, they do. The program is not run by common criminals who go around kid napping children. They are professionals hired and trained by the government. They have very strict procedures and guidelines which they are required to follow."

"What happens if they don't follow the procedure?"

If anything, Jeffery's smirk got wider. "The one time a section of the program did try, the facility was raided by the military and everyone involved was either killed or arrested. The leader of that sector had both of her arms broken, ended up with several fractured ribs and her legs so badly damaged that she would never walk again."

"That seems… excessive… so how did they get away with injuring someone that bad anyway?"

"They claimed it was self-defense, even though she was unarmed, scared and immediately surrendered when eight soldiers in full body armor came in and viciously beat her. As I said before Captain Armor, it is a VERY strict program. They have standards and will not allow their members to screw around for any reason. So where were we again?" Jeffery finished just a tad too cheerily.

"Observing and asking to come with the creepy men in black suites." Spike answered sarcastically.

Jeffery gave an amused snort. "Yes, we are called in and tested. Physical, psychological, intelligence, you name it. I scored just above average on most of them. They asked me if I wanted to join the program. I said yes and the rest is history." Jeffery gave a tired sigh. "So in short, I've technically been in the military since I was six and became an official soldier at fourteen. I was constantly moved to wherever I was needed for a little over a year before I got transported here by accident. That last part was over eight months ago. I've spent my time hiding in the Everfree Forest while learning your language and culture ever since."

"Okay, so let me see if I got this right." Shining started. "Your program is technically legal, you've been a student in it since you were very young, only recently graduating from it into the military. Also, from what I can understand, you're very good at your job as a soldier and you somehow ended up here… HOW did you get to our world?"

"Let's just say that raiding the base of a man rumored to have experimental interdimensional travel technology was an assignment I should've refused and leave it at that." Jeffery's tone clearly stated that he didn't want to talk about it.

"That… somehow makes more sense than it should." Twilight said, thinking about the abnormally high improbably that such a device would send Jeffery to their world. Let alone actually work.

"So what do we now Twilight?" Spike asked.

"What we do now is discuss the fate of Mr. Barker." A majestic and authoritative voice rang throughout the room.

"Princess Celestia!" Twilight cried, running up to nuzzle her mentor.

"Hello Twilight, it's good to see you as well." Celestia returned the friendly nuzzle.

"Ah yes, the hidden feelings between a teacher and her student, how romantic." Jeffery said, feeling amused once more.

Twilight blushed and Celestia gave him a stern look. Jeffery met the look with his own.

"I assure you Mr. Barker, my relationship with Twilight is one of friendship and nothing more."

"Sure you two are." Jeffery replied sarcastically. "I also believe that those big masculine pegasus and unicorn guards are for protection and not for more personal needs."

Now it was Celestia's turn to blush even as she kept her gaze.

"Whatever my relationship may be with some of my little ponies is none of your concern Mr. Barker and I once again say that is not the case with Twilight."

"Very well Princess Celestia, I believe it. So how is Princess Luna doing anyway?"

"She's calmed down enough for me to finally convince her not to kill you or put you in the dungeon for life."

"I'm going to assume that you're exaggerating her response to what happened."

"A little, but not by that much."

"So she's still pretty sore about that incident from a week ago I presume?"

"Hospitalizing five Lunar Guards and smacking my younger sister in the face with a serving tray for just doing their job tends to have that effect."

Shining openly winced at the memory of the guards and Princess Luna's injury by Jeffery's hooves. He had personally incorporated the special serving trays the human had used to defend himself. They were thick trays and very heavy-duty. They made perfect weapons in the right hooves and hurt like tartarus to get hit by one. Shining would most certainly know after that one time…

"Now hold on just one bleeding second here. You're sister and her guards tried to assault me, remember, not the other way around."

"You refused to hand over your weapons." Celestia calmly replied.

"In case you forgot princess," Jeffery growled, "the terms of our meeting were that I got to keep my weapons on hand or we would never talk. Well actually, you could've just stopped by the Everfree Forest to meet me if you really wanted too. But as the leader of your country, I guess you have more pressing matters to attend to than wasting your time looking for a single hairless ape."

Off to the side, Twilight groaned and facehoofed. They were getting nowhere with this. On one hoof, her mentor's sister had apparently gone against an agreement, on the other hoof, Jeffery had attacked several ponies that were just doing their jobs. Not to mention he was being kind of an ass about the whole incident.

"Mr. Barker, I understand you are upset right now, but would you please control your temper."

Jeffery sighed, an air of frustration overcoming him as he reminded himself that he was talking with the undisputed ruler of Equestria.

"My apologies your majesty. It has been a long time since I've been... in... well any kind of social structure beyond civilian. I've lived in the Everfree Forest as my own man, with few laws or rules beyond survival to guide me." A look of disappointment came over Jeffery's face. "My life has been... without true meaning or discipline... for far too long."

A look of understanding crossed Celestia's face.

"So what will you do now, Mr. Barker?"

"Accept the punishment I know is coming. There's nothing I can do to change what's happened. The only thing I can do is accept what's to come and move on with my life."

Celestia smiled. "Very good Mr. Barker... and what makes you think I'm here to punish you?"

"I'm not the most insightful person, Princess Celestia, but I'm not stupid either. I attacked a member of a well-loved royal family in front of dozens of witnesses. Self-defense or not, the public will not accept what happened unless I receive sufficient punishment."

Celestia sighed. "To be perfectly honest Mr. Barker, if I had another option, you would be walking out of here a free stallion. It was my fault for not telling Luna of the weapons agreement. You were fully justified in defending yourself from my sister and her guards."

"A few years in the Canterlot dungeons should be enough to satisfy the public."

"Mr. Barker, you've done nothing to deserve prison time. That much I can assure you of."

"Thank god for small miracles, I guess? So that means jail time instead?"

Celestia started to look annoyed. "I'm not locking you behind bars, Mr. Barker."

"Whatever you say, princess." Jeffery paused, taking a moment to consider his next words. "So what is the punishment for assaulting royalty outside of prison time then?"

"That, Corporal Barker," Shining intervened, "would be a fine of thirty thousand bits?"

Jeffery winced. "I can only imagine what terrible secondary terms there must be to such a punishment."

Shining licked his lips. "There is not an exact date of when you need to pay it all off, as long as you keep making at least monthly payments, you should be fine. While it isn't necessary, you should also try to seek a permanent residence during this time period. It makes the law officials less suspicious of you.

"I'll see what I can do in regards to obtaining a residence then."

"What about Ponyville's blacksmith? Don't you visit him from time to time?" Twilight asked.

"You haven't been spying on me, have you Ms. Sparkle?"

"It's a small town Jeffery. I think everyone who lives or passes by their knows you stop by his place regularly."

Twilight heard Jeffery mutter something inaudible under his breath before responding.

"While that is a good suggestion Ms. Sparkle, we're only on friendly customer terms. Anything beyond that and things between us would get awkward real fast."

"What about Lyra? Couldn't she take you in?"

"What, you mean that mint-green unicorn with the harp cutie-mark? The one who's been trying to convince me to rent that spare room at her house since she first spotted me?" Jeffery actually looked intimidated for a split second.

Twilight smiled nervously. "Yes, her."

"I would seriously consider it, Ms. Sparkle. But to be perfectly honest, that earth pony girlfriend of hers doesn't like me at all. She also has this creepy fixation with my hands. I swear that woman has never taken her eyes off of them since the first day we met."

"Oh come on Jeffery, I'm sure Lyra hasn't been that bad." Twilight said, coming to her old friend's defense.

Jeffery snorted. "Alright, I'll admit she's not that bad. But she's still an oddball in my opinion."

"Ponies here in Canterlot always thought so too." Twilight said, remembering how others used to always pick on Lyra.

"She told me about that. How she used to be ostracized by almost everyone here and all because of her obsession with the supposedly mythical human race."

"I still think she's a little weird, yes, but that doesn't mean they should be so cruel to her all the time." Twilight said in a determined voice.

"True as that may be, Ms. Sparkle, she still does have her moments."

"Like the story of how she met that creature who came to Equestria in human form, was killed in battle and then came back as a brown earth pony?"

"Exactly." Jeffery said, a small grin gracing his face.

"I mean, I'm willing to at least consider some of the things Lyra tells me. But she honestly expects me to believe that Derpy's husband Time Turner is a so-called "Time Lord."

"I know what you mean, Ms. Sparkle. He's, The Doctor... my ass he is."

Celestia and Shining shot an amused glance at each other.

Jeffery sighed for what felt like the hundredth time today. "But anyway, no, only Ms. Heartstrings wants to take me in right now and her girlfriend Bonny disagrees. So I guess I'm flat out of luck. I could try renting an apartment somewhere, but there even more expensive and I don't have a regular income as of now."

"Well... you could always stay with-mmph!" Twilight suddenly found an apple shoved into her mouth and VERY serious Jeffery right in her face.

"Twilight Sparkle... I want you to think about what you were going to say. I want you to think about it long and hard. The answer is not as simple as you may believe it is. I'm a very rough and often rude individual. I'm straight forward and not exactly the easiest person to live with. My life has been a short one filled with constant danger. I currently have some pretty deep psychological issues I'm going through and would prefer not to get a civilian as innocent as you involved. Please, if you're going to offer what I think you're offering... then at least try to understand what you're really getting yourself involved with."

Jeffery pulled back and stood up from his chair. He gave a long yawn and stretched to his full height.

"Well ladies and gentlemen, I think we've all accomplished what we came here to do. It's long train ride back to Ponyville tomorrow, so I'm hitting the hay early. You and your little lizard assistant should do the same, Ms. Sparkle." Jeffery turned to Princess Celestia. "May I be excused for the evening your majesty?"

"Yes you may, Mr. Barker." Celestia smiled warmly. "I do hope your sleep is a pleasant one."

Jeffery forced a smile back, still not really sure what his feelings were towards the princess. He looked towards Shining Armor, his smile suddenly becoming more natural.

"Thank you for a wonderful time, Captain Shining Armor."

"You're very welcome, Mr. Barker. I'm glad you had a good time in this meeting as well."

Jeffery didn't respond any further, his face going back to it's casual indifference as he walked towards the rooms exit. Twilight finally managed to chew and swallow the apple in her mouth.

"Wait Jeffery, I'm sure of my decision now!"

Jeffery stopped at the doorway and turned to look at Twilight over his shoulder.

"Y... you can come live with me at the my place. There's plenty of room and lots of books for you read. It will help you with learning some subjects about Equestria."

Jeffery fully turned himself towards Twilight and walked over to where she was. He got down on one knee, bringing himself to eye level with her.

'She's so small and fragile looking compared to me.' Jeffery thought, suddenly reminded of the few times he got to meet a species of canine called a pug.

He honestly couldn't help it. The purple unicorn, with her tiny size, dark colored fur and large, almost bulging eyes… everything about her reminded him of the tiny dog breed in that moment. Just like a pug, Twilight had a grotesque cuteness about her.

'Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so close. This is starting to feel awkward.' Jeffery cleared his thoughts. 'Focus, Corporal Jeffery Nickolas Barker, focus.'

"Jeffery… will you accept my offer?" Twilight asked.

"Ms. Sparkle, are you absolutely sure that you want to do this?"

"…Yes, I'm positive. And even if this doesn't work out, I have several friends who I'm sure would be willing to take you in."

Jeffery stood to his full height, towering over Twilight once more.

"Very well, Twilight Sparkle. Then I shall become your new roommate. I will be making my way back towards Ponyville tomorrow. Will you be taking the nine o' clock train by any chance?"

Twilight smiled. "As a matter of fact, I will be."

"Alrighty Ms. Sparkle, I will see you in the morning then." Jeffery turned on his heel and left the room.

Twilight watched the human go before yawning herself.

"Well I guess we should be heading to sleep ourselves, right Spike. Spike?" Twilight looked over and saw the baby dragon had already fallen asleep. She chuckled and put Spike on her back.

"Goodnight Shining Armor, goodnight Princess Celestia."

"Goodnight, Twily."

"Goodnight, my most faithful."

Twilight smiled one last time before trotting from the room herself.

"Should we retire for the evening ourselves your majesty?" Shining asked.

Celestia smiled. "Of course, Captain Armor. Besides, if I don't return you soon, I think my niece will be quite jealous of this old mare."

The two friends shared a laugh at the rather corny joke as they walked down the hallway. The silence afterwards was deafening and Shining felt a sense of unease over come him.

"Princess Celestia?"

"Yes Shining?"

"Do you really think it's okay to let that man stay with Twilight. I know she's a full-grown mare now and it's not my place to make decisions for her."

"But you feel uncomfortable letting someone like Mr. Barker near her."

"… He has an infamously short temper if spoken to the wrong way."

"I saw that , Shining Armor. I also believe what Mr. Barker said earlier as well. He has been without true discipline for many months now. Not only that, but he's also come to realize that he has to regain his discipline with a country, leader and species that he holds no love, loyalty or respect for… at least not to most of us anyway."

Shining actually seemed annoyed at being reminded that Jeffery had probably given him the most respect during that meeting.

"So you're just saying that we should let him go out into public unsupervised?"

"Shining, I understand that you're worried. But there is nothing that we can do right now. Jeffery has broken no laws, except for maybe over-excessive force in self-defense. Not only that, but keeping him here in Canterlot might actually be detrimental to his mental health. You and I both saw how strained he is already from being held here for just a week. How long do you think it will be before he snaps?"

"I… you bring up a valid point your majesty."

"Good to see that you understand Shining and if Jeffery really is nothing but trouble, than I'm sure those combat spells you taught Twilight should come in hoofy."

Shining gave a rarely used cocky smirk. "I guess you're right, Princess Celestia. Besides, if Corporal Barker does try to hurt Twily, then he'll have to answer to the strongest warriors in all of Equestria."

"Alright, that's enough of that, Mr. Macho. Now make your last rounds and go to sleep. We have a busy day tomorrow."

"Yes, your majesty." Shining saluted before walking off to do his final evening rounds.

He stopped by every guard post, making sure that no one was asleep and all the night-time patrols were still going strong. There were even several members of the nocturnal Lunar Guards roaming around this evening. When all of his check-ups were done, Shining decided to make one last and more personal stop. A second story patio that overlooked the Royal Canterlot Gardens.

Jeffery Nickolas Barker sat on a stone bench, smiling peacefully at the animal and plant life that surrounded him. A buzzard sat on clothed arm, snapping up the delicious food he offered from his casted hand without question. Shining hadn't personally seen Jeffery here until now, but he'd heard from the other guards that the human would stop by at least three times a day. He hadn't felt the need to check for himself until recently.

But now that he'd gotten close enough to actually smell the human during that meeting, Shining had recognized a certain scent. It was from his early days as a hoof soldier, way back when he fought griffon's and diamond dogs out on the open fields. He would never forget that smell. It was the scent of dry rabbit meat that had been salted for an increased length of preservation.

If this told Shining anything, it would be that the old legends of humans being pack predators were true. He continued to watch only long enough to see the buzzard fly away and Celestia's pet phoenix, Philomena, come flying in to take his place. Shining didn't know what she was doing here and he really didn't care at this point in the evening. What that old mare did on her own time was her business.

'The phoenix or the alicorn?' Shining's inner thoughts questioned.

'Does it really matter?' He shot back.

'… No.' So with a yawn, he continued on his way to his private chambers.

Shining threw open the doors to his room with a burst of magic. Cadence looked up from the book she was reading as her husband strolled in with an air of frustration surrounding him. She got up the bed and walked over to him. She slid her hooves over his shoulders as she kissed his neck.

"Rough day honey?" Cadance asked.

Shining blew a lock of his mane out from his face. "I finally met Mr. Barker today."

"So how did it go?"

"I honestly don't know Cadance. On one hoof, I think it was favorable." Shining sighed. "But on the other hoof, I'm not so sure."

"Something about him didn't sit right with you, huh?"

"He doesn't like us, that's for sure." Shining deadpanned. "You didn't happen to get a chance to meet him for yourself this week, did you?"

"Twice, actually." Cadance deadpanned back. "Both times were in the gardens. I think he was feeding meat to the buzzards and Philomena. Though I don't know how he possibly could've convinced the caretakers into letting him give them the food himself."

"Mr. Barker got the meat from his own kills before he came to Canterlot." Shining stated with conviction.

"So you convinced him into telling you that?" Cadance looked skeptical.

"I didn't have to. He had the smell of dried and salted rabbit meat practically dripping from him. The caretakers here only serve fresh meat."

"Does it bother you that he's a very intelligent predator, Shining Armor?"

"No... what does bother me is that he isn't... at the peak of mental health... and were just letting him go into our society."

"So are you going to do something about it?"

"… No, Cadance… for now, I think I just want to forget about today."

"I think I can help with that…"

"Oh?"

Cadance removed her mane tie, letting the locks fall loose over shoulders as she slid the white silk robes from her body.

"Oh!"

The pink princess was clad in black and purple striped socks and rather sexy looking black lingerie. Shining swallowed hard, finding it hard to breath all of a sudden. Cadance shut the room's doors with a burst of magic and sauntered up to her husband.

"Shining Armor, by the time I'm through with you, you won't be able to remember what happened last week." She whispered, giving his ear a light nibble.

He shivered involuntarily. 'Mom and dad allowing The Princess of Love to be Twily's foal sitter was the best decision they ever made!' Shining thought as he greedily captured Cadance's lips in a deep kiss.

Several minutes later, Twilight Sparkle looked up at sounds of muffled bangs, moans and yells from the next floor.

She smiled warmly. "Yep, just like my foalhood days."

Twilight briefly wondered if maybe she should've been more disturbed at finding night-time comfort in the form of her brother and old foal sitter going at it like there was no tomorrow.

'I guess it's just one of those odd things in life.'

Twilight blew out the lit candle and snuggled into her blanket, being lulled into a deep sleep by the sounds of love-making above.

End of Chapter 1

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I will admit, this is not only the first "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" fan fiction I've written, but the first several chapter long story I've written in a very long time. Although I have tried my best, I'm not sure what to think of this yet. I expect criticisms aplenty, both positive and negative. I want you all to give me your honest opinion on this.

I want to know how I can improve my writing style. If you spot mistakes, please let me know. I want this story to be the best as I can make it. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. If you want to, please leave a review and tell me what you think. I really do want to know what your personal opinion on this is. I am seeking to please not only my writing creativity, but the audience's expectations as well.

Comments

[Landlord Of Parties]

First off I'm not accusing you of anything but was your story inspired by Heinlein's novel "Stranger in a Strange Land?" Both stories do match pretty well I'd have to say.

I'll mention that the dialogue felt awkward at times, and Twilight felt out of character. I believe adult humor belongs in mature according to the mods.

You have good spelling and decent grammar, and left me pondering on some situations at times. I believe this can be a good story, in time.

[RagingCacti]

1374197
Dude, lm uncertain that there is any parallel between the two stories. Other than the human showing up, theres no "outsider having to cope with the strange oxymoronic and paradoxical ways of the human race." Its just "jackass military guy shows up and is a dick to everyone."

And Author, I really think that the Jeffery character is way overused. I know its easier to just have them be a jackass and then make them progressively nicer for easy character development, but really almost every other HIE story Ive ever seen have been "jackass-military-15-year-old-badass-asshole has to try and make nice with the ponies."

And why have him be a jackass to everyone? The thing they teach you most in the Military is this little thing called "discipline." Hes dealing with foreign dignitaries, any military man with 10 years of experience isnt going to be a little shit to anyone of power, let alone hit them with something. He, as a grunt, wouldn't be eloquent in any way shape or form; but he wouldnt act out. Yes, there is the whole "Im stuck in another world" thing, but they are a) his best bet for help, getting home or otherwise. And b) the nation he is currently in, with the armies and the magic and the "everything else needed to end his sorry existence."

Ultimately, its a tired topic, which you then used even more cliche "hes going to live with one of the main characters, and then work at Sweet Apple Acres, and then save someone for timberwolves and get a little bit more of his heart back after being tortured as a solder for so long." Its been done before in the same exact setup. However this is balanced out by your great spelling and grammar. You have potential, very much so, you just need to find a more... creative tilt to the story, make it unique as opposed to run-of-the mill.

[MrBossMan]

This is the second time I've seen so far that an HiE story has been named "A Stranger in a Strange Land." That title is already used for a popular and highly acclaimed science fiction story. Unless you're making a crossover, don't use that name.

What's funny is that people give their stories that name because they've heard it before, because they once overheard someone talking about the original novel. It's like someone saying "Hey, you know what would make a great name for our band? Moody Blues!" "Yeah! That sounds like a band name!"

[legionbrony]

Sorry, man. I have to agree with RagingCacti; the characters don't act or react very rationally, and the whole idea of someone in the military coming and acting all "badflank" and intimidating the ponies is just too overused, and even if it wasn't, it's not a very good plotline in the first place.

The story is fine mechanically, at least. Not that many errors. It's just that the concept is overused and a little corny, and the characters are fairly two-dimensional.

[Evil Homer]

Just a couple things.

The good, you seem to have some skill as a writer, spelling and structure is good, there are some good elements to your story and with a bit of a polish you could have something on your hands.

Now the bad, rename your story. Stranger in a Strange Land is a classic Sci-Fi story and even though your story has no connection to it it's going to colour the way a lot of people look at it.

The character of Jeffrey is just off. He's a military man, been that way since the time he was 6 but he's a complete and utter jackass. I'm not saying that people like that don't exist, but I've never met a military person especially a career military person that acted like a spoiled child.

This story, or at least the plot, has been done before. I can see how it's going to progress: tough jackass comes to Equestria, clashes with the inhabitants, learns the meaning of friendship, slowly makes connections with the inhabitants and in the process rediscovers his lost humanity and possibly even gets together with one of the ponies in the end.

Do me a favour, don't do the story in that way. Try coming up with something different.