For the first time in over a thousand years, a human has arrived in Equestria. After eight months and a series of unfortunate events, he ends up moving out of Everfree Forest and becoming a resident of Ponyville.
Rated Teen for some swearing.
Authors Note: Chapter One has been partially rewritten. Mostly the last third of it.
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First off I'm not accusing you of anything but was your story inspired by Heinlein's novel "Stranger in a Strange Land?" Both stories do match pretty well I'd have to say.
I'll mention that the dialogue felt awkward at times, and Twilight felt out of character. I believe adult humor belongs in mature according to the mods.
You have good spelling and decent grammar, and left me pondering on some situations at times. I believe this can be a good story, in time.
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Dude, lm uncertain that there is any parallel between the two stories. Other than the human showing up, theres no "outsider having to cope with the strange oxymoronic and paradoxical ways of the human race." Its just "jackass military guy shows up and is a dick to everyone."
And Author, I really think that the Jeffery character is way overused. I know its easier to just have them be a jackass and then make them progressively nicer for easy character development, but really almost every other HIE story Ive ever seen have been "jackass-military-15-year-old-badass-asshole has to try and make nice with the ponies."
And why have him be a jackass to everyone? The thing they teach you most in the Military is this little thing called "discipline." Hes dealing with foreign dignitaries, any military man with 10 years of experience isnt going to be a little shit to anyone of power, let alone hit them with something. He, as a grunt, wouldn't be eloquent in any way shape or form; but he wouldnt act out. Yes, there is the whole "Im stuck in another world" thing, but they are a) his best bet for help, getting home or otherwise. And b) the nation he is currently in, with the armies and the magic and the "everything else needed to end his sorry existence."
Ultimately, its a tired topic, which you then used even more cliche "hes going to live with one of the main characters, and then work at Sweet Apple Acres, and then save someone for timberwolves and get a little bit more of his heart back after being tortured as a solder for so long." Its been done before in the same exact setup. However this is balanced out by your great spelling and grammar. You have potential, very much so, you just need to find a more... creative tilt to the story, make it unique as opposed to run-of-the mill.
This is the second time I've seen so far that an HiE story has been named "A Stranger in a Strange Land." That title is already used for a popular and highly acclaimed science fiction story. Unless you're making a crossover, don't use that name.
What's funny is that people give their stories that name because they've heard it before, because they once overheard someone talking about the original novel. It's like someone saying "Hey, you know what would make a great name for our band? Moody Blues!" "Yeah! That sounds like a band name!"
Sorry, man. I have to agree with RagingCacti; the characters don't act or react very rationally, and the whole idea of someone in the military coming and acting all "badflank" and intimidating the ponies is just too overused, and even if it wasn't, it's not a very good plotline in the first place.
The story is fine mechanically, at least. Not that many errors. It's just that the concept is overused and a little corny, and the characters are fairly two-dimensional.
Just a couple things.
The good, you seem to have some skill as a writer, spelling and structure is good, there are some good elements to your story and with a bit of a polish you could have something on your hands.
Now the bad, rename your story. Stranger in a Strange Land is a classic Sci-Fi story and even though your story has no connection to it it's going to colour the way a lot of people look at it.
The character of Jeffrey is just off. He's a military man, been that way since the time he was 6 but he's a complete and utter jackass. I'm not saying that people like that don't exist, but I've never met a military person especially a career military person that acted like a spoiled child.
This story, or at least the plot, has been done before. I can see how it's going to progress: tough jackass comes to Equestria, clashes with the inhabitants, learns the meaning of friendship, slowly makes connections with the inhabitants and in the process rediscovers his lost humanity and possibly even gets together with one of the ponies in the end.
Do me a favour, don't do the story in that way. Try coming up with something different.