Late Shift at Ted's

by Diloboi

10:38 PM

I think I've gained a new respect for quick time events. Most get a sort of slow down or the prompt stays on screen for a bit, which is really nice for players that need a few seconds to confirm what they're doing.

When I barely dodged a a drop kick to the head going near 100 miles per hour, leaving a sizable hole in the door and a pissed of pegasus on the other side, I wish I could have that slow down.

Quickly discarding my stun gun and sliding up the remains of the door, I had just a few seconds to take stock of my situation. Before me, the lavender one is incapacitated, or at least, not doing much of anything, its fur frazzled and it laying prone. The orange one looks livid, its glaring at me. And of course, the muttered cursing of the cyan one coming from inside the back room. I don't see the rest, so they're probably still outside, unless teleporting is a thing.

The purple one starts scurrying away, towards the still standing shelves. My focus is more drawn to the orange one however, as it begins to sprint towards me. It gets to be just a few feet away when it quickly pivots on its front hooves, and I don't need a degree to know what happens next.

MOVE MORON!

I dive to the left, narrowly avoiding a powerful buck that instead connected with the poor door, sending a small shower of wood across the room. I land hard on the tiled floor behind the counter on my side.

I scrambled back in feet just in time to see the cowpony kick a chunk of door off from its hoof. It turned to look at me, getting ready to charge yet again.

I didn't give it the chance. I grip the cash register, which weighs a solid 30 pounds, before bringing it over my head and hucking it at the horse. It yells and tries to dodge, but the register hits its left side, sending it sprawling to the floor, its head colliding with a shelf.

“Yeah! Getting hurt hur-“

I'm blindsided as the cyan one charges through the flimsy drywall, tackling me like a linebacker and forcing my back onto the counter. Its hoof connects with my cheek, though its not too hard, I still wince in pain. I barely catch its right hoof with my left hand, fending off attacks with my right arm from its remaining hoof.

“Fuck off, you fuck!” I cry out, it only glaring harder at me.

I give it a knee to its underside. It pauses for a moment and hisses in pain. I only get a few precious seconds to move, my now free hand grasping an object beside me on the counter top, which by some kind of good luck, is a beef jerky stick, its bag torn open beside it.

It started to talk, it's voice rough but feminine, “I’m gonna kick your-“

With speed I didn't even know I had, I cram the thing into the pony’s open mouth. It’s eyes widen with surprise before it desperately begins to try removing the snack from its tongue.

Taking advantage, I pushed the pony off, letting it slide to the floor, seemingly unconcerned with fighting me. It’s face also looks like an unhealthy shade of green, so I might have to clean up pony puke later.

“Bathroom is in the back.” I said pointing towards the new hole in the wall. The miniature horse gave a small nod before stumbling out of sight.

“Now who’s next!” I bellowed as I vaulted over the counter, achieving a small glare from the orange one, who looked to be nursing a bruised foreleg.

“Meeeeee!” Is all I heard when something jumped on my back and scurried up to my shoulders. A blur of pink quickly moved over my eyes.

"AH FUCK!" You know the headcrabs from half life, and that one part where you watch that citizen get jumped on. Well my reaction was kinda like his. Immediately, I began stumbling, trying to pull the horse from my head. I crashed into a shelf, then what I think was the front door's frame, before finally yanking the pony off. I quickly tossed it towards the new hole in the back room's wall.

"Weeeeeee!" I heard it cheer, then a crash, and then a few more crashes. I'd probably thrown it into a shelf.

I was now by the front door, and looking out, I could see there were two more. The white one, and the yellow one. The white one, which was a Unicorn based on the horn, had eyes filled with concern, but they grew fearful upon looking at me. The yellow one seemed to vibrate, looking like it was about to pee itself.

"Are you two going to fight?" It was a genuine question, one that I hoped they would answer with a resounding no.

"No... I think we're quite alright." The white one answered, putting a hoof on the yellow one's shoulder in a attempt to stop the shaking.

"Suit yourself." Turning around, I could see that the purple one was back up, and was getting ready to fight again, judging by it's horn glowing menacingly. It's eyes snapped towards me, and my mind raced.

GET DOWN! As the thought came, I ducked as a purple streak of light smashed into the wall behind me. The unicorn began rapid firing towards me, laser beams hitting around me. I dove behind the shelf for cover, a action that by all accounts probably saved my ass as dozens began hitting where I just was. Pieces of plastic shards began flying, the shelf being battered down.

"GOD DAMN!" Quickly, I picked up two soda bottles from the floor, and, by some miracle, a pack of Mentos. Ripping their caps off, I dumped a Mento in each, plugging each with a thumb. The pressure instantly began to build.

"HAVE A DRINK!" Rounding the shelf, I let my thumbs release the openings. Cola began to spray, their streams arcing towards the now surprised Pegacorn. The effect was positive. Her lasers stopped firing, and she yelped as she got hit with lukewarm cola. She jumped behind the big shelf, but I just kept spraying the bottles, moving around to flank her. She continued to get sprayed, running down the aisle past the orange one as I kept chasing. She jumped through the hole in the door to the back as my cola finally petered out. "Quenched?" I smiled devilishly.

"That was terrible." The orange one from beside me said with a southern twang. Looking down, she smirked, before kicking me in the ankle.

"Fuck!" I slipped on the mess I made, toppling down on my back beside the orange pony. It quickly stood, moving overtop of me. It pinned my stomach with both hooves, making it difficult to move.

"Stay right there partner!"

"Fuck no!" I grabbed a bag of chips, spicy Cheetos, from the shelf and squeezed it in her face. The pop and spray of processed spicy cheese dust disoriented the pony, and she screamed and coughed. I tucked in my legs, and put both feet on her stomach.

"Adios!" I pushed full force, sending the pony's rear high into the air, she balanced on two forelegs for a second, but fell forwards, landing on her back with her head by mine. Her hat fluttered onto my face.

Jumping to my feet, I left the dazed horse behind as I entered the back room, taking her hat with me. It was completely fucked. Pieces of drywall and door covered the floor, the shelf was toppled over and stock was spilled all over. I could see the pink pony now eating through the Cheetos, and the purple one to my left doing her best to clean the soda from her fur from the sink.

"Rainbow horse!? Where are yah!?" I yelled, prompting both ponies to look at me.

"Right here!" I turned for a moment before getting pummeled. Like I was a senator, except I was getting my chest and stomach turned into dust. Her hooves rapidly punched my front, until she gave one final hit, sending me careening across the room until I landed in the office chair, my new hat flying off.

Dazed, I saw the pony hovering, a cocky smirk on her face. "Had enough?"

"Not even close." Maybe it was the adrenaline talking, but I wasn't going down just yet. Reaching to my left, I grabbed a metal handle. Pulling it from a bucket, it was my weapon of choice. A broom, reinforced for heavy duty cleaning and ass kicking.

Standing, I twirled it around me like a ninja, before bringing it in front of me. "Come and get it." The pony growled, rocketing with her wings forward. A hoof strike came for my chest. I brought the broom up, parrying the strike, before following it up with a hit at her side with the back end.

The hit barely fazed her, however, and another flurry of hits came. I blocked each one, my broom handle taking each hit valiantly as I spun it to block each strike. Each opportunity I got, I returned with a hit with either end of my weapon.

"Stop blocking you... buck!" A punch came towards my face. I expertly side stepped it, grabbing the extended hoof with my right hand. My broom twirled in my left, coming to a reverse grip, I whipped it around, hitting the pony in her barrel.

She gasped for air as her flying lapsed. Sensing the advantage, I spun the horse around me like it was a playground game before flinging her towards the bathroom. She flew, smashing into the brick, cracking it violently, before sliding down to the toilet.

I walked menacingly towards her, but she seemed too dazed to care. Getting into the bathroom, I could see that the purple pony now hugged the wall next to the sink, eyes wide. I gave her no mind, as I dropped the broom and picked up the pony with both hands, reorienting her to face the toilet.

I pushed her head into the bowl, as she began to struggle, and used my left hand to flush it.

"Swirlie!" I could here a scream and gurgling of water. After a few seconds, I let the pony go, who just fell from the toilet to the floor. Standing up, I grabbed my broom and I walked from the bathroom. Like a terminator, I scanned the room. One of the shelves had fallen, the office chair was bent weird, and it was a mess. The pink pony just stared with wide eyes from where she sat on top of the fallen shelf. I reached down, picking up the cowboy hat from the floor.

Continuing to the front room, I bore witness to the damage caused. To my left, the wall had a massive hole, the counter was covered with shards of debris and merchandise, and the register was missing. Continuing, the wall was pockmarked with dozens of small holes, some posters burning, the door was smashed, the shelf nearest to door was half gone, shards of plastic everywhere, and the contents of said shelf were scattered on the floor. The middle shelf was fine, only missing a couple things, but the last shelf had been completely soaked with soda and was missing stuff. The back wall was dripping wet, the cash register lay on the floor, and the orange pony had rolled to her stomach, rubbing her head with a hoof. She look towards me, still pissed but seemingly unwilling to fight anymore.

Walking to the counter, I climbed up, standing tall. I smiled broadly as I raised my broom in victory.

"I. AM. HIM! I WON THE 1 VS 4, ABSOULUTELY DESTROYED YOU GUYS, ALL WHILE YOU HAD LASERS, SUPERIOR STRENGTH, AND SUPER SPEED! YOU COME INTO MY STORE, DESTROY THE SHIT OUT OF IT, AND I DEFENDED IT WITH NOTHING BUT WITS, CLEANING SUPPLIES, AND FOOD! AND OH FUCK I AM GOING TO BE SO FUCKED TRYING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY BOSS!"

I watched as the purple one, fur completely stained and frazzled, the rainbow one, face green and wet, and the pink one, covered with cheese dust, walk from the back room, all looking towards me, ears drooping. I could see the two other ponies stick their head from the door, both pairs of eyes wide. And finally the orange cowpony, who looked defeated.

"Ah shit! You guys really need to work on your fighting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go call the police to arrest 6 mini horses who tried to rob my store for supplies." I stepped down from the counter, strutting to the door to the back. As I walked through, I saw the rainbow one grumble, but the purple one looked completely confused.

"Wait? You thought we were trying to rob you?" She tilted her head.

I paused. "...yeah? You and your gang came in with murderous intent. And why else come to a gas station in the middle of nowhere? I know you were fighting those wooden wolf things, but you probably just dealing with the competition."

The pony just looked more confused, "...What? I wasn't coming in to fight, I just was looking for somepony-someone to help us. We were somehow transported here and are trying to find our way home."

I turned to face the pony, searching her eyes for any hint of a lie. I found nothing, just a pleading look. Did I just kick a group of alien's asses who were looking for help?

"Please don't send us to jail mister! I don't look good in stripes!" The pink one looked to be on the verge of tears. The rainbow one ducked her head. The orange one's eyes pointed towards the floor. I could here someone crying from outside.

The answer to my question came easily.

Yes.

"...FU-"

Comments

[FanOfSun]

"I. AM. HIM! I WON THE 1 VS 4, ABSOULUTELY DESTROYED YOU GUYS, ALL WHILE YOU HAD LASERS, SUPERIOR STRENGTH, AND SUPER SPEED! YOU COME INTO MY STORE, DESTROY THE SHIT OUT OF IT, AND I DEFENDED IT WITH NOTHING BUT WITS, CLEANING SUPPLIES, AND FOOD! AND OH FUCK I AM GOING TO BE SO FUCKED TRYING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY BOSS!"

"gg ez"