Twilight's been wanting to platonically kiss all of her friends for a while. So, this Hearth's Warming Eve, she's decided to strike using her deadliest weapon; mistletoe
This is based off of an image I saw (the cover)
I thought it was a cool idea :)
This story doesn't have Spike, Sunset, or Sunburst though.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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What a cute little piece! I can see how that cover would inspire you to turn it into a story.
While I did thoroughly enjoy it, for the sake of improving your writing skills, I'll point out a couple of errors or style choices that generally take a reader out of the experience. Nothing was majorly wrong with it though, so props for that!
This can be a little immersion breaking, which is not something you want from a simple transition. If you type [h r] without the space between them, it will create a horizontal rule, which I and many authors use anytime we want to change scenes or indicate that time has passed.
Example:
I'm also partial to:
.
..
...
This is a case of breaking up character dialogue way too much. Generally speaking, if you have one character speaking or doing things, you want to keep it to a single paragraph. Or, if you want to break it up due to length, have some description on a new paragraph, and then add another new paragraph to continue the character's dialogue.
Example:
"Are you s-sure about this, Rainbow?" Fluttershy asked.
She gulped as she watched her friend give an unhinged chuckle while spiraling through the air.
Fluttershy cringed as Rainbow Dash nearly plowed into a tree. "I just don't think that's a good idea!"
--
There are a few other ways to break up dialogue and actions from a single character using dashes or commas, but those are a bit more complicated. So much so that even I struggle with them at times!
This is a rare case of a universal 'no no' in writing. Never under any circumstances have two different characters talking in the same paragraph. The hard rule is, no matter how short their dialogue might be, if you have a new speaker, give them a new paragraph. If you had nothing to say or use to describe how they said something or what they're doing, just simply using 'character said' is plenty good enough.
There are a few more issues, such as going overboard with Applejack's southern accent (Don't feel bad, even I did this at first.)
Lavender unicorn syndrome, or more accurately to this story, lavender horse syndrome (What I mean by that is when you excessively use a term other than a character's name to describe them. For example: 'The pink mare' or 'The bookhorse'. Another thing I am guilty of and am trying to reduce wherever I can.)
And head hopping (Shifting the active character mid-scene. For example, when you show us Trixie's thoughts while everything up to this point has Twilight as the main focus [sidebar, thoughts should be italicized no matter who they're from] This is another thing I struggle with even now, but you generally don't want to describe every character's inner thoughts all willy-nilly unless it's from the point of view of an omniscient narrator, which this story is not. You can describe the 'active' character's thoughts this way, in this case Twilight, but if you want to focus on another character's thoughts, you typically have to change scenes or make a clear transition where we start focusing on them.)
However, the biggest and most vile error you've made is... not including Spike in this story! You can't just tease us with that adorable cover image and not follow through!
In all seriousness, I do think this story accomplishes what it set out to do, which is generally what we want of every story. Everything else is just meant to give the reader the best experience possible. I'm sure you'll improve on these topics the more you write and read others' works.
So, get out there and get to work on that sequel that focuses on the characters you missed here
That was adorable
This was an adorable story! Twilight and Pinkie is a ship I don’t think too often about, but I loved how this story handled everyones interactions. 10/10!
Don't get me wrong, shipping is fun, but it is nice to see the mane six as (semi?) platonic friends from time to time.
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Thank you, this genuinely helped so much 🙏
Imma try to include these tips in my writing
And to not including spike, I thought people would maybe take it oddly and I don't have a good idea on how it would go 😭 so maybe I'll add that in, we'll see :)
aww this was just so adorable >< thank you for writing <333