Rainbow Raid

Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,759 stories ·3,966 members

Rainbow Raid

How the changeling army was TRULY defeated. Join Rainbow in her quest to rid the kingdom of changeling scum.

[contains low brow humor]

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 14 )

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The ancient one

The ancient one #1 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

This originated as a joke on skype, I decided to write it out because I felt my comedy could use some improvement, so I attempted writing in a different humor style than what i'm adjusted to. Please give critique on what you liked (if anything) and what you didn't, things to improve

on etc. I want to improve on different comedic styles before I continue my other story. And yes, before you say it, I did rush this.

Come at me TWE

Page Flipper

Page Flipper #2 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

Holy shit, my sides! I loved the word you used to describe Rainbow's new move. I also loved the ending.

Okay, review time. FIrst off, the positives.

The humor was to my liking. It was slightly random, but it made enough sense and was able to be followed clearly. Your grammar was very good and your structure was uncluttered, which made your story easy to read. I didn't detect any spelling mistakes, but I could have missed one. Your story telling was a little blunt, but it helped to set the pace for your random, comical story. The way you only included a minimum of environmental description helps the reader to focus more on the comedy without having to read through a novel to get to the next scene. Very well done.

And I personally could only find one negative. At the beginning of the story, when Rainbow Dash and Twilight are first talking, you should probably say who is talking first and then second, so that the reader knows who is talking without having to figure it out. Of course, it's clear who is talking by the tenth word, but it helps to be certain. A more critical author than me might be able to find a few more by nitpicking, but for now, I can't find much else.

You are a good comedy author. I can see this being in the featured box. Good luck.

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Sabre Blade, TWE Reviewer

Lan

Lan #3 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

While this isn't really my kind of humor, you are getting much better at writing. Also, the ending was great!

Inferno demon Dash

Inferno demon Dash #4 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

Huh...it was ok but a little bland....nonetheless have a fav And I found one or two spelling mistakes but all in all not bad.

The ancient one

The ancient one #5 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

1348894

Well can you go more in depth? I'm trying to work on my comedic style.

Inferno demon Dash

Inferno demon Dash #6 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

1348909 The humor was ok but in my eyes it was not really funny to tell the truth but the spelling and grammer minus a few errors were perfect.

Trikdom

Trikdom #7 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

There really isn't a whole lot to say about it, but here's a thing or two:
+ I enjoyed the humor. A little crude perhaps, but not disgustingly detailed.
+ It was short enough that the humor didn't lose it's momentum.
If this were a serious story I might argue a some more stuff, but since it isn't my only (somewhat) complaint is the spell they used. I would have liked that explained a bit more or better, but that would probably detract from the lulz in this story.
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I read your post about whether or not to use this style more, especially for the next installment of Unexpected Changeling. Honestly, I think the first story of U.C. mixed humor and plot rather well. This style though would probably require a faster pace, need a lot of pointless jokes, and allow less focus on the actual story. Content wise, however, you can use things like this if you want. I would enjoy it, though you probably shouldn't expand on certain bodily functions too much since some people don't like that.
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So now you have my unprofessional opinion, use it as you please.

Anyhow, both this and U.C. were fun reads in their own way, and I hope to see more from you soon!

(btw, any time estimation for the next bit?)

Final_Scratch

Final_Scratch #8 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · ·

I know people. And they will read this, with many funny voices, because it's right up their damn alley. Good writing, although I can see it being a bit lowbrow for some.

The ancient one