Stranger to Lover

When a visitor comes to Ponyville, Fluttershy finds herself attached to him. And of course, the visitor, Silver Storm, likes her back. But there's just one thing about him...

Chapters (3)

Chapter 1: The Stranger · 27th Sep 2012 · 1,010 words
1,010
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Chapter 2: A Tour of Ponyville · 27th Sep 2012 · 1,297 words
1,297
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Chapter 3: Secrets Revealed · 2nd Oct 2012 · 725 words
725
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Comments ( 11 )

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destinedjagold

destinedjagold #1 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: The Stranger ·

this caught my interest. ^^

Whisper The Saint

Whisper The Saint #2 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: The Stranger ·

Hum.

I read your first chapter. I must say: your spelling is pretty good. And so is your grammar.

And I enjoyed your structure.

Lastly, I want to compliment you on your drawing: you draw that yourself, right? You get extra points for that.

But now about your story... you will probably get some hate because of OC and main character romance.

As for characters... I think your Fluttershy should be more... how can I say it? Shy. She didn't seem a bit shy... and add into the mix that she never met your OC before. Besides, if you are going for a 'first glance I like you' view... shouldn't this make her even more shy?

Please take this at heart! Keep safe.

OtterMatt

OtterMatt #3 · Sep 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1: The Stranger ·

Potential Badfic Checklist (v2.1)
Pre-read
Picture of a badly-designed OC in PonyCreator
Utter hodgepodge of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the story
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Anywhere under 1300 words per chapter

In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome

Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
ANY actual chapter having less than 600 words

Rating: 3.5/5 Pinkies

Verdict:
a17.t26.net/avatares/1/4/1/2/120_1412376.jpg?570956

Okay, seriously, that's a LOT of green up there. You're doing well. The only thing is that it's short, and while I might not be able to call it an author-insert yet, it's dangerous. The only thing that really hurts is the fact that Fluttershy is VERY out-of-character here. Go rewatch her in the pilot. She met Twilight, and she couldn't even get out a single audible word until after she was distracted by Spike. Here, she's perfectly coherent and polite, not even realizing that there might be anything distracting or engaging about this random stallion until well after he's left. It could be potentially justified, but the fact is that if you're doing the justifying in the comments and not in the story, then the story is lacking and needs to be stronger.

You WILL get flack for an OC/Mane6 romance, but I'm not about to jump on you for that, because every story has a place somewhere, and there's nothing wrong with it as long as it's well told.

Cunt_Crusader

Cunt_Crusader #4 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: A Tour of Ponyville ·

A black and red OC pony dating one of the Mane 6? Not a chance!

Fluffy Cloud

Fluffy Cloud #5 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: A Tour of Ponyville ·

1351343

Gray and red

Wargish Blood

Wargish Blood #6 · Sep 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: A Tour of Ponyville ·

Very good story. All I am going to say.

Ermita

Ermita #7 · Sep 30th, 2012 · · · Chapter 2: A Tour of Ponyville ·

i will remember to care about pretending to consider thinking about whether or not i should ponder the possibility of taking a chance and be less skeptical about the notion of evaluating the option of tossing around the idea of keeping track of this story.