Fallout Equestria: The Last Princess

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Citreahead

Citreahead #1 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · · Prologue ·

1: Princess is spelled with 2 s's

Once the radiation dies

should use "Once the radiation dissapates".

I can’t watch it forever though I have other thighs to attend to.

should have a comma and "as" before the "I"

4: (From the above) Thighs? Do you mean things?

"Well are you ready, Gemstone.”

should have a comma before "are" and not after "ready"

6: There should also be a question mark at the end of the sentence.

“I Don’t know.”

Don't shouldn't be capitalized.

"Of course we’ve tested it on other ponies. Do you think I would want to go through with this without prior testing"

should also have a question mark.

She has the endurance and strength of her mother Limestone and the confidence of her father Geode.

should have a comma (,) before the second "and".

10:

"All ponies accounted for empress."

Empress should be capitalized.

11:

"Very well you may begin."

should also have a comma before the "you".

12:

The cryogenic sequence was fast to take effect. After the cryogenic seaquants Fully initialized I examined the pods.

seaquants? huh? Did you mean sequence? How did you spell it right the first time?

13: "Fully" (from the above quote) shouldn't be capitalized.

14:

Gemstone Diamond, and Starlight Glimmer were in two of the pods while the rest were irrelevant.

shouldn't have a comma

15:

Starlight may have supported both sides during the war by helping fluttershy develop the megaspells for Mass Healing and then helped the zebras weaponize them, but the desire to make them stronger was something a couldn't let slip away.

Capitalize Fluttershy

16: Either capitalize Megaspells or put a space in between Mega spells.

17: Add a comma before the first "and".

18: "Something a SHE couldn't let slip away"

19, 20, 21, 22, 23:

There was a cryo-container meant for holding DNA samples. I examined the labels on them through the glass. Most of them were irrelevant but two stood out. One had the DNA of a mare named Rainbow Dash, WHILE the other one had the DNA of a stallion named ~~Sorin~~ Soarin'. Those will ~~come in handy~~ (handy? do you mean hoofy?) BE USEFUL. I plan to wait for this Littlepip she blabbered about to die, AND then I'll strike.

This has potential. I've wondered about a Fallout Equestria that has stuff from later series, but you need to be able to tell the story without grammatical errors. I use Grammarly, but you also need a keen eye to spot stuff the A.I. won't see.

Citreahead

Citreahead #2 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · · Chapter 1, Preparations ·

Watching Gemstone and Starlight thawing out and exiting their pods was a sight of FOR sore eyes.

“Did you keep your promises?”

“Yes Gemstone, you will be able to develop your synths, and Starlight will be able to improve her BaleFire bomb design.”

With Gemstone and Starlight following behind me, we traveled out of the Cryo Storage Stable; before leaving I turned my head to look at one of the other Cryo pods. One containing a pegasus named Flash Sentry. I’m not fond of keeping him around, but I’ll need him later. With my skill of magic, I teleported them and myself to the facility ~~that~~ where they would be continuing their work at.

“This place is isolated and still has great access to the ocean.”

"Teleportation ~~and~~ or submarine, of course. The teleportation device is not working right now, so we will be taking a submarine.”

Just then a submarine surfaced ~~in the water by where we were standing~~. After it fully surfaced hwe got inside. After traveling for a little while, the sub surfaced in the submarine docking wing of the facility. After docking we got out and looked around. There were already scientists and security ~~guards~~ ponies getting settled in. I explained to them that this is just the central facility. There are several other facilities scattered about other remote locations they report back to hear. (REDO YOUR SENTENCE) I left them to get settled in while I teleported to Crystal City, the capital of the Crystal Empire. As an Empress, I don’t have much free time; I've still got 25 years of preparation.

Citreahead

Citreahead #3 · Apr 9th, 2023 · · · Chapter 2, The Capital ·

Waking up in the quiet crystal palace has become routine to me. I get up and look in the mirror. That dark purple scar still remains from when I was sick with a magic disease called Wither Heart. Wither Heart is an incurable disease that is only detectable once the host starts showing symptoms. The first symptom is a strong cough followed by glowing light purple lines that appear on the host’s skin. The lins sting and feed on your magic. The disease has no effect on non-unicorns and symptoms can appear more rapidly depending on one's skill with magic. You have basic, one trick pony, advanced, and elite. Basics know a few spells. One trick ponies only know 1 spell but have fully mastered it. Advanced have mastered very hard spells. Elites have mastered every spell there is. I was an elite so I experienced symptoms within three days. I Don't understand why I got better when every other magic user infected with Witherhart has died. The more adept at magic you are, the more fatal the disease proves to be. My case was a miraculous one, only leaving me with scars instead of a grave. After starring in the mirror, I get ready for the day. I head to the kitchen after picking out my outfit ~~for the day~~. My butler, ~~who goes by the name of~~ Deeds, was waiting for me.

“~~Rite~~Right away madam”

Deeds is a strange stallion who's always around ~~when I need him for a task~~. He freaks out the other government officials, but I don't judge . When you have lived for 243 years you kind of get used to that sort of thing. After having breakfast I ran diagnostics on my pipbuck; a robotic voice then played.

“Gen 23 Mark 5 Pipbuck operational. User: ~~Empires~~ Empress Flurry Heart.
Status:
Strength,: 20;
Perception,: 20;
Endurance: 30;
Charisma,: 25;
Intelligence,: 40;
Agility,: 20;
Luck,: 10.”

(I'm not doing that for every one. Just understand)

My skill makes me capable of forging armor and weapons out of star metal.

Either use "The skill" or "My skills".

That last one confuses me more than anything else. I have never eaten a pony. I have eaten zebra before but is that cannibalism? I’d imagine the Ministry of Peace would have said it is, but every~~one~~ pony else would probably have said it’s just disgusting.

~~At that moment~~ As the voice ended it's listing I reached the balcony. Looking out I, could see the rooftops of the many buildings in Crystal City, the capital of the Crystal Empire. The balcony looks out over the southern side of the city. Flying to see the north side I can see the ore mines to the north. It’s a good thing I kept the knowledge of those ore reserves under lock and key or else Luna would have had more incentive to pressure my parents into taking sides so the ore could be drained for Equestria’s stupid war. Now the ore is being mined for the Crystal Empire's industry. I flew over to the mines for their monthly inspection. The manager of the mine was in his offices when I arrived.

“Oh! Welcome, ~~Empires~~Empress. ~~your~~You're early.”

(My early? Your vs you're)

10:

“I know. I've had to reschedule my week on very short ~~notes~~notices, and I didn't have time to send a ~~prayer~~prior notice.”

11:

We quickly walked around the mine, seeing if everything was operating without any ~~problems~~issues. ~~until~~ Upon reaching the maglev yard, I ~~noted~~noticed a few security ~~guards~~ ponies were apprehending a somepony. Walking over I noticed a maglev engine wasn't hovering as it should, and showed signs of tampering.

12:

“Common thief?” I ask the guards.

13:

“Sorry about this Empress. I’ll call a Maglev technician to fix the engine.”

14:

Before I could hear a response, I used my magic to ~~trigger~~cast a teleportation spell.

The wither heart is cute, but too in detail here. Later on, have a nightmare sequence of Flurry remembering her time spent suffering the disease, and its effects.

Ciphers

Ciphers #4 · Apr 11th, 2023 · · · Chapter 3, Ocean Stronghold ·

When the war began a special princes saw an opportunity to expand. Remaining neutral but secretly planning how she can take the scraps of both side for herself after the war ends; leading her down the path of dictatorship

So the character is male or female or other? I'm so confused

The High Priest