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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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DUNDUNDUN
The plot thickens!
Honestly, when it came to the scene with the guy at the window, I had this playing in my head:
Disikes? I'll assume that's for humanization, even though this is well done.
Oh well. I know this story is worth something, and you know it, so just consider those a minor setback on your way to the top.
I think this chapter could have done without the moustache-twirling at the end. The evil laughter is so over-the-top, random, cartoonish, and sudden that it makes me take this villain as less of a threat and more of a clown. He should just chuckle at himself, excited that his plan is taking form.
I'm also kind of surprised AJ didn't object to Twi's use of the phrase "more refined minds." Being implied that you're dumb for being a Southerner is not something a Southerner takes sitting down. One of the things I really love about AJ is that she's a total fireball like most country women are. We saw her spicy attitude when talking to Dash, yet she lets Twilight unintentionally insult her without so much as a "Gee, thanks fer makin' me feel special, Twi." I don't buy that for some reason.
Also, stop referring to characters occasionally as "the woman". I keep thinking it's some random, unnamed character who just walks into the scene. It's too vague a description. Just refer to characters either by name or by more general defining aspects (such as "the Southerner" or "the classy lady").
Other than that, this is turning out to be a pretty solid fic. Great writing style that gets to the point and sticks to the point without relying too much on gaudy phrasing. Which is to say, the fat has been trimmed and every word counts.
Which of course means, only a few pageviews. Hey, don't frown, it's a side effect of brilliance: nobrony understands your genius. They're not dumb, they're just impatient and hate having to work out the plot.
Either that or human-counter-ponies stories aren't all that popular here on FIMfiction.
1337715
Thank you very much for the in-depth critique. It made my day seeing this and you offering me advice on how to improve. I'm humbled that you took the time to write all that out, man.
And, in retrospect, I'm quick to agree on your view regarding the end scene. I think I'm going to go back and mute it just a bit, haha.
Thanks again, mate.
1338153
You wanna thank me, then continue writing until the story is done!
awesome chapter.
and I think that evil guy at the end is either Nightmare Moon or
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx33g316o91qfqdz7.jpg
This is fucking awesome. More prease
Oh man this is what I've been waiting for, a good humanized story that isn't just a way to do wish fullfillment. I love this, and I can't wait to see more!
This is my favorite type of humanized story. Not random human comes to Ponyville, not Same As Equestria But With Humans, but ones that create a fully immersive, realized world for the humanized ponies to live in. And you did a nice bit of world-building. I'm a little confused though. Are they on Earth or in a fantasy world? Since you have fantasy elements, yet modern day Earth references like Black Sabbath. The writing is really well-done and the pacing is excellent. Almost feels like a professional novel. I hope you don't let the lack of views get you down. This is excellent work.
1352520
It's a fantasy world--a sort of parallel to our Earth around the 18th century, save for a few advancements in science and technology that the Soul Folk were responsible for. Due to it being a parallel, and due to this advancement from magic, quite a bit of our current culture and history bled into their Earth. (I.E, Sabbath like you mentioned, the bible that was lightly touched on, and Twilight being from Camelot)
I'm hoping to touch a bit more on the subject in later chapters, but hopefully that cleared it up for you. Thank you kindly for the comment--I really do appreciate it!
I very well done humanized story, one of the rare few I'll actually fave and continue reading... and that's not because you're my friend!
The characters feel like the mane six we know and love, but with that touch of differentiation that comes from a complete racial switch. They're new yet not, which I love
The world is quite interesting so far, and a lot more thought has obviously been put into it then what I've seen in the other humanized stories I've read.
And then there's the actual story, which is intriguing. "What if Applejack was the new pony in town?" That idea in itself amuses me, and you taking advantage of the default alternate universe setting by making it humanized is simply a cherry on top.
In short, can't wait for the next one.
You know, I really enjoy your world building. Just like in the other fic, the world that this is set in feels unique to other stories. It's nice.
I almost busted out laughing when Dash described her roommate's stuff.
Editorial note:
"going so vertical on her dodge" -That should be horizontal.
Mr. Dorcis seems strangely like Discord....
So there is indeed a nefarious scheme taking effect down below!
The person of chaos, made into this world of humanism shall once more attempt domination over all.
But what of the tyrant? What role does she play in this most subtle game?
I shall read on.
God, first the fact that Applejack is into MMA and then the Airplane reference. This is truly a story that keeps on giving.
1356200 have you tried
Tales of Apple Scratch: The Council of Harmony
by Mariacheat-Brony ? has a few sequels after the first one (don't think this is the first but a prequel)
Fixed,
Was that a quote from the movie, "Airplane"?
That was so petty, I chuckled.