If you haven't read the changed ending for the last chapter, you should do that first.
*~~~~~*
Rarity was not having a good morning. She had woken up for the second time that week to another one of Sweetie Belle’s…“delicious” breakfasts. Then, when rushing downstairs to put out whatever Sweetie had made, she grabbed the nearest piece of cloth without looking at it and had gotten halfway through putting out the stove before realizing it was part of an ensemble for a very important client. Usually, those were the things she could get over after a few minutes of tea. What had REALLY ruined her morning was that for the first time, she had forgotten to say ‘Have a wonderful time at school’ to Sweetie Belle! Out of all the worst possible things, that had to be the worst possible thing! she thought as she walked towards one of her mannequins in the boutique. “At least Twilight is coming over to take my mind of things,” she thought aloud, stealing a glance out of the window. “In fact, she should be here any minute.” She looked back to her workroom with a frown. “And it still looks like a Sweeticane blew through here! I must hurry or Twilight might offer to organize my things again, and I won’t find anything for weeks!”
*~~~~~*
Twilight watched from beside Cheerilee’s desk as the students started to trickle in. When the class was nearly full, she heard a chorus of gasps, followed by three sets of hoofs galloping towards her. Before she could turn to see what the noises came from, a fuchsia hoof pulled her aside just as three fillies crashed into the side of the desk where she had been standing, all shouting to try and get their point across.
“Who’s that?”
“What’s her name?”
“Get off me!”
Cheerilee sighed and shook her head with a ghost of a smile as they untangled themselves and formed a semicircle around Twilight. “Girls, I know you’re excited, but you’re all going to have to sit down before I can start introductions.” Grudgingly, they all went back to their seats without taking their eyes off her as the bell rang.
She gave Twilight an encouraging smile before looking back to the class. “Good morning, Class!”
“Good morning, Miss Cheerilee,” the class chanted back.
“Now I’m sure you’re all wondering who this is,” She said, gesturing to Twilight. “Her name is Twilight Twinkle and she’s going to be my assistant for today.” At once the room was filled with curious whispers about the new filly, making Twilight shrink back.
A filly with a small tiara raised her hoof and without waiting to be called on, shouted, “Why does she get to be an assistant while we all have to do work?”
The other students paused in their conversations to nod in agreement towards the filly. Twilight turned towards Cheerilee frowning, but was surprised to see that Cheerilee’s patient smile never faded. “Well Diamond Tiara, I chose her to be my assistant based on her experience and knowledge. On the way here, I thought I’d quiz her on what she already knew, and all of her answers were perfect! I’ve never seen a filly quite like her before.” Cheerilee smiled and gestured towards Twilight. Twilight turned away, her face flushing from the praise.
Diamond Tiara still didn’t look convinced. “Oh yea? Then…” She turned to look at Twilight. “What’s the square root of five hundred and forty-six?”
Twilight perked her ears. She turned to face the filly, closing her eyes. “The square root of five hundred and forty-six is twenty-three point three six six six four two eight nine one zero nine.”
The class looked back to Cheerilee who, after a few seconds, finished working it out on the chalkboard. “That’s correct.” She said with a knowing smile.
Twilight grinned. I’ve still got it. She opened her eyes and looked around the room, a slight tint appearing on her cheeks from the awed stares of the students.
Cheerilee cleared her throat. “Well, now that we have that settled, let’s get started with today’s lesson!”
*~~~~~*
“And… There!”
Rarity took a step back to admire her work, sighing in relief as she looked around the now organized workroom. The fabrics were rolled up and stacked neatly beside her workbench, and all of her needles were organized by size. She had even gotten around to rolling up all of her spare thread that she had dumped into a drawer after Sweetie Belle had tangled them. “It’s so clean, it’s sparkling!” Her proud grin suddenly fell as something clicked in her mind and she looked around the room again. “But there’s one Sparkle missing.” She checked the wall clock. “I wonder what’s keeping her,” she said looking down with a small frown. She shrugged it off and walked over to the front door. “Well… Since I’m finished here I might as well pick her up myself.”
*~~~~~*
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
“Recess!”
“Alright!”
“C’mon, let’s go!”
The restless class stampeded out into the schoolyard, leaving Twilight and Cheerilee to pick up the stray paper and pencils that were hiding under the desks before class started again.
“That was so exhausting!” Twilight groaned, picking up a pencil. “Ow do oo do ith?”
Cheerilee shook her head and chuckled as she picked stray papers. “It took awhile to get used to, but teaching’s what I love to do.” Putting them on her desk, she looked over to Twilight and grinned. “I think you did well.”
Twilight blushed and tucked the pencil behind her ear. “Thanks, but I didn’t really have to do much.”
“But you helped a lot!” Cheerilee exclaimed, “The children all loved you!”
Scoffing, Twilight looked out of the window and pointed to Diamond Tiara. “What about her?”
Cheerilee looked out into the field where she was pointing and sighed. “I don’t think Diamond Tiara can tolerate anypony other than Silver Spoon and her father.” She looked back at Twilight, only to find her staring wistfully at the children. Knowing that look all too well, she smiled. “You know, I think I can handle you the rest. You go on outside and have fun.”
Twilight looked up at her with wide eyes. “Are you sure?”
Cheerilee nodded. “But be careful.”
“I will!” Twilight promised. She ran to the door and looked back. “Thanks Cheerilee!”
Cheerilee motioned with her hoof. “Go on then!”
Twilight flashed a grateful smile before running outside.
*~~~~~*
“What do you mean she left hours ago!?”
This day was turning out to be much worse than she expected.
Pinkie shrugged, putting more icing on her cupcakes. “I’m sure she’s fine.”
“Why didn’t you walk with her to make sure she actually made it to my Boutique!?” Rarity said crossly with a stomp of her hoof.
Pinkie shrugged, not looking up from her work, “She’s still a grown mare. Well sorta. She can walk around by herself,” Pinkie said, finishing off the rest of the cupcake before turning back to Rarity. “Besides, my Pinkie Sense hasn’t done anything funky-unky, so I’m sure she’s fine.”
“W-well… It was still irresponsible of you! I have no idea where she is!” There was a loud thud as Rarity dropped her head onto the counter. “My day is ruined!”
Pinkie giggled at the sight. “No it’s not silly!”
“Yes it is,” came Rarity’s muffled reply.
“Cheer up! You can tell Auntie Pinkie Pie aaaall about it, and it’ll make you feel better!” Pinkie said, wrapping her arm around Rarity. “Start from the beginning.”
*~~~~~*
“Hey Twilight! Over here!”
Twilight turned her head and saw Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle waving her over from the swing set. Twilight smiled as she started to walk towards them, until another voice called out from behind her.
“You don’t want to go with those blank flanks!”
She saw the three filly’s faces morph into frowns before turning around to see Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking towards her.
“Blank flanks?” Twilight asked suspiciously as they stopped beside her.
“Yea, we’re much better company than blank flanks.” She said with a scoff, turning up her nose. “Those losers are the laughing stocks of school. Since you just got here, you’d want to keep whatever reputation you still have.” She looked at Twilight with a smirk. “I can help you there.”
Twilight looked from the apprehensive stares of the three fillies to Diamond Tiara’s hoof. “I’m sure that my reputation will be fine with them, thank you. Maybe it'll be even better,” Twilight replied coolly.
Diamond Tiara dropped her hoof with a disbelieving snort. “Suit yourself, blank flank. I guess you’re not as smart as I thought.” She turned, flicking the pencil from behind Twilight’s ear with her tail before trotting away with Silver Spoon in tow.
Twilight stuck out her tongue at the retreating figures and gave little huff. If only it was that easy to get rid of those kinds of ponies when I was still a filly. She turned around and almost bumped into Sweetie Belle, who had tears welling up in her eyes and a wobbly smile. She swept Twilight into a tight hug along with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, the pegasus filly struggling against their embrace.
“You stood up for us!” Sweetie Belle said, her voice squeaking.
Twilight smiled and shook her head. “I couldn’t have just sat there and let her say those things about you.” Not like… Never mind.
Apple Bloom tightened her grip, breaking into her thoughts. “That musta been nicest thing anypony’s ever done for us!” she said with a big grin on her face.
“Yea yea, enough with the sappy stuff already.” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes, already given up trying from their grip and was just sitting stiffly. “We had something to ask her remember?”
“Right!” They all took a step back.
“You may or may not have heard, but we’re the founders of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Scootaloo exclaimed with a proud stance. ”We’ve been looking for new members, and you look like the perfect candidate. Not having a cutie mark and all.” Scootaloo pointed to her flank.
“Plus, you’re really nice!” Sweetie Belle added.
Although Twilight had suspected that this was going to happen, she hadn’t come up with a good enough reason to say no yet. “B-but I’m not even going to be here for that long! A week at most!” Twilight stammered out.
Apple Bloom shook her head. “That don’t matter one bit! As long as you’re crusadin’ for yer cutie mark, then you’ll still be a crusader! No matter what!”
“And you can start a… Where are you from?” Scootaloo asked sheepishly.
“Canterlot.”
“Right! A Canterlot branch of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Spread the word!”
Twilight shook her head. “But what if I find my cutie mark when I’m gone?”
Scootaloo shrugged. “Then you can help us find ours when you come to visit.”
Apple Bloom put out her hoof. “So, whaddya say?”
Twilight looked down at her hoof. There are so many things that could go wrong. I’ll have to tell them that there is no Twilight Twinkle. But… She looked back up and saw all three fillies looking hopefully at her. She sighed, smiling wearily. “Ok. I accept.” I guess it couldn’t hurt to humor them for the time being.
*~~~~~*
“And that’s how my day was ruined!” Rarity said dramatically, letting her head drop back onto the table. They sat in silence for a few moments before Rarity turned to glare at Pinkie. “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything? No cheering up?”
Pinkie Pie shook her head and smiled. “Nope! I don’t need to!”
There was a jingling of a bell and Rarity turn her head a bit more to see Fluttershy trot in with a camera hanging around her neck. She raised her head from the table. “Fluttershy darling, what are you doing here?”
Fluttershy looked at Rarity’s flustered look and shrank back. “Oh, am I not supposed to be here? I stopped by your boutique, but you weren’t there. I’m sorry, I’ll just go-”
Rarity rolled her eyes and sighed, fixing her mane. “Nonsense, it was just a question.” She patted the seat next to her. “Come, sit with us.” As Fluttershy sat down, Rarity asked, “By the way, why do you have that camera? Tourist season doesn’t start until next month and it looks extremely tacky if you try to pull it off beforehoof.” She advised looking Fluttershy up and down.
Before Fluttershy could answer, Pinkie shouted, “I love guessing games!” She jumped off her seat and started to bounce around. “Are we gonna take pictures of animals!? Are we doing poses?! I know! We’re taking another group picture! Group picture, group mhmh!”
Rarity put a hoof over Pinkie’s mouth and looked to Fluttershy. “You were saying?”
Fluttershy looked down and started drawing little circles with her hoof. “Well, I’m starting to keep a scrapbook, but I only have few pictures so far.”
Rarity looked puzzled. “A scrapbook? Of what?”
“Well, it’s for-” Fluttershy started before the town clock chimed three times, causing Fluttershy to recoil against the ground.
“Three already? Oh how time flies. I must be off to pick up Sweetie Belle and then I’ll have to go find out where Twilight went off to.” She trotted to the door before looking back at Fluttershy. “Would you like to accompany me Fluttershy?”
“ Oh! I-If you’d like me to,” Fluttershy said, getting back up and trotting over to her. She turned around. “Bye Pinkie,” she called softly.
“See ya later alligator! Maybe we can take that group picture some other time!” Pinkie called after them going back to work.
*~~~~~*
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
“See you tomorrow everypony! Remember, it’s going the last day of school before your summer vacation!”
The students all filed out, chattering excitedly about how school was almost over, while Twilight trotted over to where the Cutie Mark Crusaders had huddled outside beside a sapling.
“Twilight! You’re just in time! We wanted to tell you about our Crusader sleepover after school tomorrow.” Scootaloo said excitedly. “We’re having it at Sweet Apple Acres.”
Twilight thought for a moment. “Sleepover? Have you made sure it was alright with Applejack?”
Scootaloo nodded. “Of course! We’ve been planning this since last week, so we’ve all already asked for permission. Can you make it?”
Twilight nodded her head. “I don’t see why not.”
Sweetie Belle stood up. “I’ll see you later. I want to see if Rarity’s special guest is still around, and reminder her about the sleepover while she’s still in a good mood.”
Twilight froze. How could I have forgotten!? She looked to Sweetie Belle, smiling nervously. “I-I’ll go with you; the library is on the way to the boutique.” Hopefully Rarity won’t be too upset.
Sweetie Belle looked confused for a moment, but didn’t question her. “Alright Twilight” she said with a smile. They waved goodbye to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom before trotting away. Sweetie explained to Twilight all of the basic things for a Crusader sleepover, not mentioning a single thing that was in the book she used with Applejack and Rarity. She was about to ask if she could bring her book when a startled gasp sounded in front of her. Suddenly, everything in sight was white as she was pulled into a tight hug.
“Oh Twilight! Where have you been! I was worried sick!” Rarity held her at hoofs length, frowning. “Don’t you ever do that again young filly! Something could have happened to you, or worse, I could have gotten worry marks from just thinking about where you could have been!” she scolded.
Sweetie Belle looked from Twilight to Rarity looking completely lost. “You two know each other?”
“But of course I do! She’s Twilight Sp-” Rarity stopped short. “Twilight’s sister.”
Sweetie Belle looked to Twilight for a few moments, not noticing Rarity’s pause. “I guess that makes sense. She’s really smart.” She turned back to Rarity. “So how was your special guest?”
Rarity glanced at Twilight. “Well, it turns out she never came. I had no idea where she was.”
Twilight looked up at her sheepishly. “I got a bit sidetracked. I went to school and it was really fun!”
“She was your special guest and you didn’t tell me!?” Sweetie Belle complained. “I thought it was another client.”
“I would have told you it was a client Sweetie.” Rarity looked back to Twilight. “And you were at school? But whatever for?”
“I was the teacher’s assistant!” Twilight said happily. “I helped Cheerilee with her display board, and went around and checked to see if any of the students needed help!”
“Really?”
“Yea! Then Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle invited me to go to their sleepover!”
Rarity looked to Sweetie Belle. “And when did they decide that?”
“Since she became our newest member!” she said, pulling Twilight to her side. “We’re going to go straight to Sweet Apple Acres after school tomorrow remember!”
“I can go right?” Twilight asked apprehensively.
Rarity smiled and patted Twilight’s head with her hoof “I don’t see why not. What do you think Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy, who had been watching the whole exchange quietly, jumped at being addressed. She smiled and nodded.
“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!” Twilight exclaimed giddily, jumping around them, not noticing the flash coming from Fluttershy’s direction.
*~~~~~*
Nice reference hehe: She looked at Twilight with a smirk. “I can help you there.”
I like it you may continue
Aww soo cute. I really hope Fluttershy snaps a pic of Twilight and the crusaders all wearing their crusader capes.
Yes
Pretty cool fic, but i want to ask a question to all writers: This is his first fic, and 14k views, in not too long of a time.
My fics are all under 1k, and the same age, and i'm just curious as to how everyone gets a cartload of views. Not meaning to be a pest, but i am just curious lol.
Evidence of adorable filly-ness is being gathered. The question is, to what purpose shall it be used? Widespread dissemination to all known friends/relatives/would-be suitors of Twilight Sparkle would seem to be the first cab off the rank. And if Fluttershy doesn't do it, Rainbow Dash will!
Minor mistake there. You need to drop the 's.
Another small one. You've got guest twice. drop either the first or the second and it's adjective.
And you need a noun or pronoun in here to be modified by 'fun' such as 'it' just before the 'was'
And you need to say who was jumping around.
Sorry to point them out, but I'm enjoying this and hoping to see it do well. This chapter was especially wonderful, and I can't wait for it to continue.
This story just keeps getting more and more adorable. However, I'm scared of what's going to happen if Twilight goes crusading with those three...especially if she has a magic spike in the middle of it.
2094652 Well, I've got a story myself that has barely past 7k. There isn't some sure fire way of getting a lot of views. You just need to write something, post it around the right time, and hope for the best.
I found some errors, but nothing serious.
"Hey" is supposed to have an "E" in this context.
There was nothing to agree with. A better word would be "comfirmation."
I'll let that one slide.
How dare you say that this might suck? It didn't. Feedback FTW!
This was great. I'm looking forward to more.
lh6.googleusercontent.com/-Ak9QAC4dIYY/TjFpOv8SPLI/AAAAAAAAKBY/1p6n03o54mE/s600/39196%2520-%2520applejack%2520hnng%2520macro.jpg
Dis stowy is amazing!! I really like how twilight acts almost exactly like a normal filly instead of in some stories were the characters just get small like a filly again
Oh noes! All that flashing, Fluttershy is clearly obviously a changeling!
The d'awwwww is still strong with this one... .....we need a Fluttershy grin
I don't care if this was rushed it was funny and very fun to read. hopefully I wont have to wait as long to see the next chapter.
adorableness overload, heart attack imminent!
2094652 I call it the "D'aww Factor", basically any story that involves fillies gets a huge amount of views in a short amount of time. Bronies love adorable fillies doing. . . pretty much anything. It's one of the more annoying aspects of the fandom (to me, at least) as many of the stories aren't very well written or thought out, yet get hugely popular simply because it involves an underaged pony.
Not that this story isn't good, but you see what I'm saying?
2095261 Indeed, and sadly adorableness isn't my strong suit. But I was really just curious, because if i enjoy writing what I write, i'm pretty much happy.
2094652
Initial views is mostly luck, modified by the title and cover art. Don't think of that as a judgement of your work. How many people KEEP reading is what tells you if the work is any good. (and even if one story doesn't catch on, that doesn't mean you a bad writer, just that this is a weak story.) Keep trying, and good luck!
2095121
I haven't been here a week yet, but I completely agree anyway.
...I'd read that fic.
Anyway, I can't read that comment and comment on a comment of that comment without reading this.
Say hello, Read Later list!
>First fic
>13000 words
Nice story! Really great. It's a lot of fun seeing (well, reading) Filly Twilight. Love her so much!
Got quite a few errors going on, though. The one I notice the most is tense agreement. If you wanted to look for a proofreader, there's a group here that you should be able to find some help in.
And, because I've noticed a bit lately that people are complaining about not being able to find a proofreader, I'd suggest you start with the 'new' or 'novice' proofreaders. If you find the right one, they won't be less skilled, they'll just have less listed experience (they may have had experience elsewhere).
If you really can't find someone, shoot me a message. I might be able to make some time, but I can't really offer it straight-up because I've just got too much on at the moment to get things done in a timely manner.
Well, good luck with it. I'm really enjoying what you've got here so far and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
Now another one in a week!
Oh god the cuteness!! It's too much for me to handle!
2094657 2094678
Thanks for catching those. I really wanted to get the chapter out as fast as I could, so I was bound to miss some things.
2095217 Epic fail.
A thought I just had. After the sleepover, Shining and Cadance come to visit unnanounced. They see filly Twilight. Hilarity ensues, as all three Princesses get drawn in to try and fix things, only to fail because they are too distracted by how adorable filly Twilight is.
2094652
He does really good at playing the adorable card.
Coming Up Next:
CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SPELL REVERSERS YAY!
This is going onmy read later list (just a bit busy right now). As a lot of people have said, it might not be a good idea to mention that this fic is your first. Put it in the author's notes if you feel that it really needs to be said, but in the description, it only serves the purpose of scaring away potential readers. Don't apologise for just starting out, or people will think yu have something to apogise for!
The YES! Dance gets saved for Pony Posterity! Woo Hoo!
This is an amazing story, especially for a first. You should keep up the good work.
2094672
timing. its all about good writing, and timing. sadly, i lack good timing.
but great chapter, TAKE THAT DIAMOND TIARA!!!
Do you mean the edition to the chapter that implied Cheerilee was acting sort of pedophillic mentioned in the A/N?
Seems kind of inconsistent that the CMC didn't wonder how 'Twilight Twinkle' knew who Applejack was or how she knew where Sweetie Belle lived, don'cha think?
I also suspect a foreseeable plot twist where 'Twilight gets an entirely different cutie mark' to possibly come out later
so adorable!
SO MUCH ADORABLE!
stop trying to murder me with filly twilight
click
2104941 DOC... TOR?
DOC TOR WHO?
DOCTOR WHO?!
DOCTOR WHO?!?!?
Filly Twi is cutest Twi
MAKE MORE CHAPTERS FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE A PINKIE PROMISE!!!!! or I will kill you.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERERS STONE FTW!!!!!!
Capter six pages 108-109. read it pansies!
this is probably one of the most adorable stories i've ever had the pleasure of reading!
still, can't wait to see celestia react! i've always assumed that she misses twilight terribly, and especially misses the time when she was a little filly.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
or Twilight might offer to organize my things again, and I won’t find anything for weeks!
-Heh... even leaving the inspiration room out of it, I guess they would happen to have different modes of organization.
A filly with a small tiara raised her hoof and without waiting to be called on, shouted, “Why does she get to be an assistant while we all have to do work?”
-You are missing a blank line after this so you can be consistent about your paragraph spacing. Also, this makes sense for Diamond Tiara.
Diamond Tiara still didn’t look convinced. “Oh yea? Then…” She turned to look at Twilight. “What’s the square root of five hundred and forty-six?”
-Again, spacing issues. Also, is this the same number as from the "failure/success" song?
The class looked back to Cheerilee who had just finished working it out on the chalkboard.
-Which makes Cheerilee something of a math genius herself. Square roots are very computation intensive. Then again, given that they apparently teach differential equations in elementary school, that might be true for ponies in general.
“Well… Since I’m finished here I might as well pick her up myself.”
-Ok, so no dramatic fainting then...
“Why didn’t you walk with her to make sure she actually made it to my Boutique!?”
-Well, maybe some dramatic fainting.
Not like… Never mind.
-So few words, so much implied backstory...
“That don’t matter one bit! As long as you’re crusadin’ for yer cutie mark, then you’ll still be a crusader! No matter what!”
-Did you write this before or after "One Bad Apple"?
I guess it couldn’t hurt to humor them for the time being.
-Can they keep a secret? After she turns back I mean...
Fluttershy trot in with a camera hanging around her neck.
-Well, her namesake in an earlier generation WAS a pun on "Shutterfly". And as I said, I could see her having the wings of an owl and knowing how to use them.
Fluttershy started before the town clock chimed three times, causing Fluttershy to recoil against the ground.
-But isn't her house within throwing distance of the clock tower? I guess her extremely mildly worded request to Mayor Mare to have it turned down was rejected (or never existed in the first place).
not mentioning a single thing that was in the book she used with Applejack and Rarity.
-Awww... I prefer the idea that that book was actually comprehensive enough to be very effective in the hooves of Twilight Sparkle (and... like almost nopony else).
She’s Twilight Sp-” Rarity stopped short. “Twilight’s sister.”
-Interesting she caught on that Twilight would be renewing the lie. Maybe it came up during the schedule-making?
-The last line is good for the readers who aren't quite paying attention (I know I have my problems with those sorts).
2142121
That... Helped me a lot. Thank you!
2153749
Glad to help (Although I may see if you would be interested in returning the favor some time).
Diamond Tiara = Draco Malfoy
the world now makes perfect sense
I'm really confused, when did this go from Twilight isolating herself for a week to figure out what went wrong to Twilight and everybody else not giving a single damn about how and why this happened?
The whole situation just struck me as odd when Twilight's friends suddenly discuss who would be taking care of her and such. Its as there are some missing chapters in which they find out what causing it, also contacting Celestia (which really should have happened on the first day really), and realizing that they have to wait it out or something.
The fact that they don't even ask what happened, or at least I don't remember such a scene, is just plain weird. If it weren't for several impressions I would believe that they concocted this adventure with Celestia so Twilight could experience a more normal childhood (foalhood?).
I really like the idea though, and foal Twilight is just so cute!
>:3 Awesome work we have here~
I have no idea why but this update didn't show up in my favorites... oh well it was still a great read