Sweet Sauce knew how difficult his life was about to become.
Even in the perfect world where Princess Celestia accepted his return and forgave all crimes, things would never be the same in Equestria again.
But Sweet Sauce had a realistic idea about how likely that outcome was. The oldest sibling had always been a pony with extremely rigid views. Evidently that attitude had come up against more than just Sweet since his banishment.
He was even prepared for anger—Celestia had been furious enough to banish him once, after all. Maybe that same anger would rise again. At least that way he could die knowing he had come as far as he could, and never tried to conceal the truth. He was no covert spy here to seduce and subvert Equestria. Let him own the consequences of his actions, and the pain he had caused.
But what he wasn't prepared for was bewilderment. Princess Celestia stared back, her plate of food untouched. Sweet stared, searching for any crack in her mask. But he saw nothing.
It felt like forever, but it had probably been only a heartbeat. Celestia's hesitation faded, and she sat up in her seat, grinning politely at him. "I'm afraid you must be lost, little colt. The foals party is outside. You should go down the stairs there, and back out. I know you'll find something fun to do."
With Celestia's own confusion gone, the ponies around her sprang into action. Guards appeared from nowhere, but they couldn't just sprint up the ramp and tackle him. That would make a scene in front of these important ponies.
If there was one thing he could count on Celestia to value above all else, it was keeping up appearance. He could use that to his advantage.
As far as everypony else is concerned, I'm a lost foal. I'm an embarrassment to her event, and she can't do anything to me without the whole country talking about it with the morning paper.
Instead of backing away, he hopped up onto the platform, then took one of the chairs in his mouth. It squeaked and ground loudly as he dragged it, but its size did not deter him. Even a throne built for another Alicorn was light enough for earth pony strength to handle. Let nopony say he didn't use the pitiful magic life gave him.
Besides, he wasn’t the only distraction. There were half a dozen guards gathered near the entrance, all packed into a circle. He couldn't overhear what they said, or else risk taking his focus off Celestia. But being gathered over there meant there were only a few left to bother him.
So long as he was careful not to get too close, they wouldn't be able to grab him. He could keep this going as long as it took to get his answer.
"I know you might not recognize me," he said. "I'm Tellus Mergen. I know I wasn't much of a younger brother. I deserve what you did to me, banishment to that awful place. Even the realm beneath, without magic or soul, was not enough suffering for what I did. If you think my sentence is not yet served, I'm here to face justice."
He hopped up onto the chair, to gasps from the already staring crowd. This conversation was dramatic enough that even the ponies outside were starting to react. He couldn't hear Vinyl's thumping bass through the walls, or the cheers of the younger ponies, celebrating the night in a more authentic way.
Sweet saw her twitch, in the instant he mentioned his true name. But it was so subtle that even Sweet couldn't be sure of what he'd seen. Her expression had lasted for so short an instant that he couldn't get a good look.
She stood up, dramatically enough that ponies all around the stage fell silent again, watching her. "I am sorry, young colt. You look so determined, and you have come all this way. But you are lost, and confused. Whatever names you think you know, you should forget them."
Her horn flickered gold, for a period so brief that he'd barely even seen it. He had no doubt the other creatures around the room hadn't. But he felt no spell. Even in his weakened state, Sweet would've known if he was targeted by something. His diminished powers did not translate to diminished wits.
"You don't want to punish me?" he asked, dumbfounded. "I'm glad if that's the case. I think I learned a lot during my banishment. I'll keep my head down, I won't ask for help with dangerous experimental magic. I won't put others at risk."
Celestia turned her back on him. She gestured with her wings, and at once the two hesitating guards rushed to meet him by the chair.
Neither touched him. They had no weapons drawn, just stood menacing in their fine armor. But if he tried to escape, he had no doubt those hooves would tackle him to the ground. He would not be getting away from this. Though what the princess would do with him after this was over...
At least he hadn't picked the Summer Sun Celebration for his dramatic return. She might've just barbequed him right there in front of everyone.
"I would like to know what this foal is doing here," she said. Sweet instantly recognized that tone, and knew that he had lost. She sounded like a slightly perturbed mother, one whose disappointment grew in him and everypony else present. It was the voice of a pony who had already made up their mind.
"Who is responsible for this?"
Sweet prepared to scream—one last demonstration, something that would make it to the front page of the newspaper. If Celestia wouldn’t acknowledge his return, maybe the crowd would force her into it. Even pressuring him to go to prison would be something.
Tellus Mergen would've acted without hesitation. But Sweet Sauce was so much smaller than all these creatures. Celestia loomed over him in stature and magical power, and there were guards to either side. He hesitated.
The crowd parted at her words. Creatures stopped dancing, backing away to clear a path to the entrance. Even some of the guards stepped aside, revealing two little ponies. Pipsqueak and Dinky Doo, looking terrified.
What the buck are you two doing here? Sweet's shouted display died on his lips, unspoken. He whimpered instead, not loud enough for anyone further than Celesta to hear. "How can you not remember? You sent me there, big sister. I couldn't stay away forever—I would rather be banished to Tartarus. At least that way I could see the ponies who came to visit."
He started to cry, distorting whatever he said next. This was as far as he could possibly come, the end of all roads. It still wasn't enough. Wasn't coming here the right thing to do? I spent my whole life escaping the consequences. The one time I try to face them directly, and Celestia refuses to even look at me.
"It appears the nature of this venue has changed without my knowledge," the sun princess continued. "See that these foals find their way back to their parents. Make whatever further alterations to the door policy are required for uninvited guests not to get themselves lost, please."
Sweet felt a pair of hooves grip him by the shoulders, lifting him out of the room and carrying him through the crowd like a sack of grain. He didn't resist, or try to get away. There was nothing more for him to say here.
Sweet Sauce had come to an end, begging for justice or forgiveness for Tellus Mergenw. Celestia refused to give it. Where did that leave him now?
The punchline of jokes among the wealthy ponies in attendance here tonight. He saw them whisper and point, and knew this very moment would be discussed at dinner parties and fine meals for months to come.
At least it was probably Princess Celestia who would receive the mockery here. Watching the princess of the sun get completely flustered by children arriving would have amused him too, under other circumstances.
They brought him out the door, but not the way he'd come in. The rest of the castle was roped off tonight, even to the wealthy guests. The guards carried him past it, with several others walking ahead.
Eventually they reached a small lounge, with comfortable sofas on either side and an empty tea table in the center. The wood was as fine as anything Sweet had seen in his old home, without succumbing to rot. There was gold inlay here, and fine tapestries on the walls.
But he would not be welcome here, probably ever again.
The other guards arrived through the open door, depositing two other little ponies on the couch. Pipsqueak and Dinky Doo, though he had already guessed who it would be.
Both looked overcome with terror—even worse than they looked in the Everfree forest, facing down monsters that wanted them dead.
Both collapsed onto the couch, practically melting before his eyes. The guards retreated, or at least most of them did. One of the door-guards lingered by the entrance, eyeing them with barely-restrained anger. "We will find your parents. Don't try to leave."
He pulled the door shut, and it clicked locked.
Sweet Sauce lay exactly where he had been deposited, a barely distinguishable lump atop the cushions. He closed his eyes, wishing he could melt away into the couch and vanish completely from sight.
What was he supposed to do now? His ultimate goal—reaching Canterlot, forcing a confrontation with the princess—had come and gone. Celestia's punishment was worse than a simple execution, she had erased him completely. Even from her own memory.
There was nothing left to aspire to. There was no more reason for him to plot to escape, no secret meetings to have, no way to force the authorities of Equestria to listen to him.
One by one they had rejected his story, all the way to the top. Now even his older sister refused to acknowledge he existed. Why would you pretend? I know you remember me. You couldn't forget that name.
What could a pony do when they finally reached the end of every desperate plan, and they were worse off than when they started?
Cry, mostly. Cry alone on the couch, wishing for a world that still made sense. The hell of his banishment had been cruel, but at least everything made a twisted sense. Generally a selfish, uncaring kind of sense, where everyone had to fight for their own survival, or else drown.
I spent all those years imagining how Equestria would be different, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe the place I imagined only existed in my memory.
He wasn't sure how long he lay there—time had never mattered much to Sweet, and it mattered less now. But something jostled the cushions beside him, enough to make him look up.
Dinky Doo stood there, head tilted to the side. She watched him with compassion, and more than a little concern. "Are you... alright?"
He sniffed, wiped his eyes on the fine pillow behind him. If he was lucky, he would leave a stain. "Not really."
She sat down beside him, but didn't try to get closer. "We were worried about you. Got lost in the maze, but didn't know where you would've gone."
"That part's not quite true," said another familiar voice, from ground level. "I knew where he'd go. Week after week, what's he always say? He's gonna meet the princess, get the truth. He's gonna get banished to the moon or thrown into Tartarus or made into a statue or..."
Pipsqueak rolled his eyes. "Are they gonna do those things to us?"
"No," he said, voice flat. "The princess... acted like we'd never even met. Like I was just a lost little pony who wandered somewhere he didn't belong. My family doesn't care about me anymore. They want to forget I was ever born."
poor sauce, he needs a hug
Did Celestia get replaced by a changeling ?
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maby the banishment wasent just to his physical self but also all memorys of him. or maby celestia erased him from her memory
If Celestia actually did twitch when he said his true name, then maybe there is something there. Luna might be an avenue to persue, although he'd have to talk to her in the dream realm.
I love when the princess mask collapses. he should have mentioned people for great effect.
is memory failing? seriously? this is a really bad conclusion from this situation
SHOW. HER. THE. MAGIC. THING. YOU. DID. WITH. DINKY. IN. THE. FOREST. YOU. COLOSSAL. IDIOT!
Every. Single. Character. In this fic is holding an idiot ball so large it's a wonder they can even walk
Edit:
Caveat - this would be okay-ish if the author has something up their sleeve, like
-SS is in a different version of Equestria than he grew up in
-Curse /Memory spell affecting Celestia
So this is something ive come to notice and thats the anti-climax that makes me stop following a story despite good writing till that point. Its all to common something we as the audience get built up and up then poof no climax and not like oh our expectations are subverted just nah. So while I've enjoyed reading the story and many of your stories, I think this is going on the pile of unfinished stories cause you just lost me along the way. Not even really a criticism as it might be just my taste in the material not a fault of your story telling just an observation best lf luck.
You know, other than the part where he tricked a filly into casting the magic he couldn’t.
”I’m so ready to face justice, I escaped my imprisonment to do so! … Hang on…”
It could be, and hear me out, she didn’t want to have this conversation in front of countless lookie-loos. A thousand years is a long time, but Celestia seems no more interested in airing family laundry in public now than she would have been a millennium ago.
Indeed, that “forget whatever names you think you know” could be a subtle offer of clemency that Sweet is too hyperfocused to notice.
Honestly, Sweet’s world crashing down around him may be the best thing that could happen to him. He might (might) be able to take off the blinders and actually take in the world around him. The friends, passions, and opportunities that have been waiting for him to stop rushing to the gallows. This could be a new beginning for him.
Or he might just sit and grump about being a worthless mud pony who can’t even get executed properly. We’ll see.
Sweet Sauce could have, right in front of Celestia and the assembled ponies, said:
"I am Tellus Mergen, brother of Celestia and Luna. I have returned from long exile in another world, at the cost of my alicorn body. This is no joke or lie. This is the truth. If it has been so long that my name has been forgotten by even my own sisters, then why have I suffered exile to come back to nothing?"
I don't usually say this, but I'll come back when the story's concluded to see where you were going with this. I like your writing but the anticlimax thing just isn't for me. Not really a critique, just not my thing. I'll be back though.
Well happy news, he is not about to be punished by his old crimes and Celestia denounced him in public. Time to go his own way, do research and grasp immortality with his own hooves and live his life as he sees fit.
It wouldn't be a Starscribe story if any progress on understanding the main mystery happened in the first 200,000 words.
I don't think this would be so infuriating if the author communicated in some way that there was any reason to have faith in continuing to follow this story at this point. I hate sounding so harsh, but at this point I feel like there's no reason to have hope that any character is going to change, or that circumstances will advance and/or change whatsoever.
All I know is, I feel like my time is being absolutely wasted by continuing to read this and have hope that there will be anything waiting other than sheer absolute disappointment after disappointment, which is a shame with such a promising premise.
Well, I'm out
This has just crossed the line into stupidity. I waited for this to be what it could have been. A unique twist on the "HIE as a foal" story and I really thought that the Author would take this into the next level. I even made comments here saying that the story would take off once he confronted Celestia and people should wait. To give it a chance.
Its clear that this story will only continue running in circles of Im a real boy, No you're not, Over and over and over and over. Just like the countless other HIE Foal in Equestria fics.
I gave it a chance and Im out.
Monk
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You're not the only one.
I couldn't be more disappointed in a story.
Monk
You know, I tell Authors, not to pay attention to the comments because people don't know what they really want. And what most people ask of Authors is often detrimental to a story. However I also say that if you start seeing the same thing being said about your story my multiple people, You should take a real step back and really look at what it is they are saying. I think that this is a perfect example of that happening.
Honestly, this might be good for Sweet Sauce. With the awkward disacknowledgement of Celestia(probably because she's in shock after hearing the name). Sweet Sauce can get his priorities rearranged. He had been so focused on Celestia, now with that had been shot down by none other than Celestia herself. He has two priorities now, one, be a good son and two, be a good friend. So this does gives him the opportunity to fix his skewered view on the pony tribes. Also, he could try and regain immortality and become like Twilight, if he knows how, that is. He could join Twilight Time if that still going on. Learn some Friendship, humility, some history even potions and whatnot from the Princess of Friendship. After all, Friendship made her a Princess.
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I agree. This was the moment. Up until now it’s been “stuff will happen later” and “just wait until he meets Celestia.” But instead of what everyone was waiting for we get more of the same “what are you talking about child?” I get the feeling that Sweet isn’t quite done here and maybe Celestia wants to talk to him in private or he will go to Luna who will remember. But at this point I’ve lost hope. He’s probably going back to Ponyville a failure and going to fall in love with the little town and that’s not what we were promised at the start of the story.
I’ll keep reading this every now or then because I can’t stop reading a story, but that’s more because I got hooked on the premise you are throwing away.
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Only it's not HIE.
It's actually looking like "Itvs wrong universe" or "Your name is under geas" (banishment with erasing the name)
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I have to wonder if Luna's not so forgiving and Celestia's trying to hide his return from her.
Something isn't adding up.
We don't know the full extent of his crimes, but if the memory of his actions hurt that much, it wouldn't be out of the question that Celestia might have locked those memories away. Maybe it's for the best they stayed forgotten, though it might be too late now. If they are locked away, Celestia might now be curious enough to unlock them.
I think at the very least, Celestia is going to be asking, how the hell does a Little Orphan Pony know a name that has been wiped from history.
Question: Where is this story going?
I've skimmed through almost all of the chapters so far and all I can see is that:
* Sauce has gained some "friends" for himself
* Nothing related to Sauces belief that he is related to some incident in the past is meaningful.
I get that a story can't always just give you the answer to a story but this story has gone absolutely nowhere. If I started reading this story from this chapter with the information that Sweet was from the past, returned as a foal and was trying to contact Celestia. Nothing would be lost.
I'm really sorry to be so harsh but unlike real life, every chapter in a story should have some contribution towards the meaning of the arc it is in. Sweet gathering friends should have meaning beyond the fact that "he has friends now". The fact that he has adoptive parents should mean more than "he has parents now". everything in a story should build towards or hint to the reader that it is building towards the meaning of the story,
If this section of the story is really that "Sweet is truly from another world and is struggling to convince ponies of this" and it is going on this long then the author should be strongly hinting towards the reader that this is the case. If not then the author needs to be hinting towards the reader that Swett is arriving to a point where they just need to accept their lot in life and move on with things.
What an ending.
I think a lot of complaints stem from the very nature that as a fanfiction, we only get chapter by chapter. People want instant gratification, so constant teases rile them up. It would do some of you a world of good to wait for the "Complete" tag to appear before reading it in one fell swoop.
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This isn't a contest where everyone's a judge who's obliged to see the entire performance before voicing their thoughts. There is an unspoken agreement between author and reader wherein the author promises emotional satisfaction for the reader in exchange for an investment of time plus money and/or adoration. In the case of fanfics published freely on the internet, it's mostly time and adoration.
We're thirty-seven thousand words in already, and most of that feels like it has been squandered spinning wheels in this 'will they or won't they believe him?' rut. People expecting some development at this stage is a far cry from wanting 'instant gratification'. Much of what we've gotten so far is the bare minimum of basic personality traits and simple plot points, and they're mostly factual expositions rather than compelling, emotionally satisfying character growth.
So, no, I strongly disagree with the assertion that people are complaining just because they want their jollies right now. Good stories (even episodic ones) shouldn't leave the reader wondering if they're wasting their time at the end of each chapter. We'd complain far less if Sweet was a more entertaining character, or if we got more fun interactions between him and other ponies whilst building up to the big reveal, but alas, we're mostly getting Sweet's dull musings and the same old obstacles to his goals.
Even if the very next chapter were to drop a massive twist on us, I doubt it will be satisfying enough to make all the previous chapters worth the slog. I would love to be proven wrong (Starscribe has done it to a spectacular degree before), but I just don't see it coming this time.
Besides, getting feedback whilst the story is still in progress is one of the advantages of fanfiction. It sometimes allows authors to address issues with their story as they go along, or at the very least, helps other authors to see how stories may be received if they're written a certain way.
Also, if we'd all waited for the end of the story before critiquing it, I'm almost certain that we'd still get people dismissing our complaints by saying, "If you didn't like it from so early on, then why are you still here? You should've quit long ago when you realised that it wasn't your cup of tea."
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And not only that, but everyone else seems to be actively ignoring signs that there's something different about Sweet, assuming they're not too stupid to notice. Time after time after time, Sweet says something that should absolutely be worth looking into, but everyone just assumes he's making stuff up (even though this is Ponyville, where the weirder something is, the more likely it is) and he never presses the issue (even though he can show them his verifiable skills in ritual magic a foal his age shouldn't have). It's not just that things aren't happening, it's also that they're not happening in utter defiance of logic, common sense, and precedence. Tie that in with pacing that's herky-jerky when it isn't abysmally slow, never allowing consequences and haphazardly skipping from character group to character group without staying long enough to show Sweet building connections, and there's barely anything to be invested in.
Having the word count is nice, because I can look at my fics and go, "Oh, by this point I'd already set up over half a dozen distinct characters from scratch, set up the central conflict, set up a few subplots, done some worldbuilding without the crutch of the fic being set in a place we already know, added in plenty of foreshadowing, had a major plot twist that completely changed the direction of the story, and killed someone off." I can understand a slow boil, but I'm sticking my hand in the pot and the water's still lukewarm.
11328620
Very good strategy!
11329008
forgetting traumatic experience is a pseudoscientific concept
He should have confronted her in a non public area.