Tall Tale of Sweet Sauce

by Starscribe

Chapter 2

Sweet Sauce approached the tower of the structure the unicorn called the “Castle of Friendship.” At a glance, it seemed like “Friendship Spire” or “Crystal Monolith” would probably make a better fit. And why was it shaped like a tree?

Equestria had become a strange place since his departure. If he wanted to be home here, sooner or later he would have to figure out why.

But not now. There were simpler goals before him now. First he had to pass the watchful eyes of the Royal Guard, with uniforms that might as well be identical to the ones he remembered. Gold armor, no weapons, and a cutie mark—but not Celestia’s or Luna’s. That was curious.

He slowed a little as he passed through the wide front doors, expecting and perhaps anticipating his arrest and imprisonment.

But he didn’t have a cutie mark anymore—he was a mudpony, and pocket-sized at that. They barely even glanced at him. If he didn’t hurry inside, they might’ve repeated that stupid mantra everypony kept saying. Was he lost?

Yes, he was lost, but he was about to get un-lost.

It was a good thing earth ponies were tougher than they looked, because so were the steps. Sweet huffed his way up an endless spiral through the hollow trunk, passing sealed doors leading to rooms with civic sounding names and sometimes plaques with important history.

Important to somepony else, maybe. He just wanted a map. He would have to figure out what to tell the supervising scholar when they asked him why he wasn’t hard at work on a field where he belonged.

He clawed his way up the last few steps, gasping and panting like he’d just scaled a mountain. And in a way, he had. A mountain of pointless crystal and glass. “Who… thought it was a good idea… put the important stuff up here.”

When he regained his powers, he would need to have a word with the architect. Just because something looked cute in a model didn’t mean it should be built, even if Equestria had apparently mastered the crystal magic of the Empire since his absence.

Curious that it would only be used for one building, though. Were we conquered by the Empire?

His curiosity didn’t run deep enough to let the thought linger for long, though. Sweet had a singular goal, and it remained undone.

He shook himself off, then marched through the open library door.

He glanced to both sides, expecting more guards and at least a few supervising scholars. How could they leave such vast wealth unguarded?

Before him stretched thousands of books, filling shelves so plentiful there was an upper balcony to hold even more of them. His mouth fell open, and he nearly collapsed again.

This was when somepony would stop him, any minute now. Had Equestria become so safe that the wealth of a princess was just displayed?

Or maybe their protections were more covert. There might be spells monitoring, watching for thieves or vandals using their intentions. Those would not trigger on Sauce, as he had only come to scrawl a copy of a map. At worst, he would steal a single vellum sheet.

There were no scholars guarding the doorway, no blue robes with frilly tassels, nopony at all. He walked past an empty circulation desk, past empty reading tables, and comfortable benches that towered over him like monoliths.

Sauce flirted with the idea of selecting a volume at random and reading, to learn whatever secrets of Equestria’s present he might glean.

But the sun was already waning in the crystal window, indicating late afternoon. If he grew too distracted with reading, he might be walking through the Everfree at night.

I have to reach the castle before that, or I’ll have to defend myself. He wasn’t afraid exactly—except perhaps of unnecessary work. Fighting would take effort better spent on important things, like not fighting.

One ear twitched involuntarily, as a single voice wafted through the otherwise silent space. For the second time that day, it was a child’s voice, though this one was a little closer to his own age. He twitched, turning to listen.

“Put it back, Pipsqueak!” she was saying. “Spike could be in any minute!”

“I’m just lookin’!” replied another voice. Male this time, though so high and squeaky it was hard to tell for sure. “There’s no rule against lookin’. What are maps for except knowing where things are, anyway?”

The first speaker whimpered nervously. “Just hurry up. You know they don’t like it if we take things out without an adult.”

Sweet Sauce was already turning by then. He didn’t run—running was a lot of effort. Besides, it might verify the speakers’ fears about adult intervention. If he were going to be stuck in a tiny, pathetic body, he would at least enjoy the benefits of being small and quiet.

He rounded the corner a moment later, and found the ponies in question. One was a little unicorn with an off-gray, pinkish coat. The other was a pinto, a useless mudpony like himself.

Importantly, the colt was the first creature Sauce had yet seen who was smaller than himself. So there was at least one thing earth ponies could do: help repair his ego.

The foals froze as he approached. First they seemed frightened, caught in the middle of their disobedience. But that only lasted a second—as soon as they recognized he was their age, they relaxed.

More importantly, the shelf behind them was overflowing with scrolls, each one packed into protective tubes. At least one was open in front of them, spread on the floor with little respect towards its contents.

“You two shouldn’t be opening scrolls like this,” he said, striding up beside them like the librarian come to inspect their work. It would’ve worked on the colt, but the mare was taller than he was, and she was a unicorn. “What if somepony stepped on it by mistake?”

Correction: it shouldn’t have worked. They backed away from him a single step, obviously intimidated. If you sound like you’re in charge…

He had a few seconds to look down at the scroll, which wasn’t anything useful. Not a map of the capital, or Equestria, or even just the local area. It focused entirely on somewhere called “Trottingham”, which Sauce couldn’t identify and thus instantly lost his interest.

“Who are you?” asked the filly, the first to recover from his correction. “You know about scrolls?”

He nodded. “In my day, scrolls and codices were the norm. You do not want to know where the vellum came from, and nopony wanted to make any more than we needed. It’s way easier to erase and re-use a page when it’s loose like this.”

“In your day?” The colt circled around him. He looked for, then obviously didn’t find, Sauce’s cutie mark. “You’re not much older ‘an me, I reckon. Your day is right now.”

“Unfortunately, but that’s no fault of mine.” He gestured vaguely with a hoof, then calmly stepped over the map and up to the shelf.

For all that had changed in Equestria in the yet-undetermined number of years since his departure, he could still read everything just fine.

“Ponyville and Surrounding Area” seemed useful; unfortunately it was two shelves up, entirely inaccessible.

“What are you two up to anyway?” he asked. He didn’t even give them a chance to answer. “That’s awesome, but do you want to help a pony in need?”

The foals shared a look, then nodded. “I’m Dinky, this is Pipsqueak. What’s your name?”

“Sweet Sauce,” he declared, far too loudly, stepping into the light of the nearby window to strike a dramatic pose. “Discoverer of the Alcubierre manifold teleport, pandimensional worldgate innovator, and three-time Harmony Soufflé World Champion.”

He lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Don’t tell my sisters, but the last one was the hardest. Competition was fierce.”

For the third time today, the ponies listening looked utterly dumbfounded.

“I don’t know what those words mean,” Pipsqueak declared. “But they sounded like tall tales to me. It ain’t right spinning tales when you’re asking ponies for help.”

“I’m not spinning anything,” he said flatly. “I’m entirely stationary, and that’s the problem. The map I need is on that shelf, inconsiderately out of reach of young scholars the worlds over. Dinky, could you please levitate it down for me? I’d do it myself, but…” He waved one hoof vaguely over his forehead. “Well, you see my disability. I can feel myself choking on the dirt already.”

She giggled, but the colt just kept staring. Her horn sparked once, and the entire shelf of maps jolted slightly to one side.

She sighed, shaking her head ruefully. “Sorry, weird pony. I wanna help, but…” Her horn sparked again. “I haven’t learned. My mom’s a pegasus, so she can’t teach me. I’m no good at magic. But it’s no big deal—most ponies around here can’t do it neither.”

Sauce frowned, the first time he had since the tragic death of his little music player. “That just won’t do, Dinky. No pony deserves to live so monumentally far beneath her station. If I had more time, I could instruct…” He trailed off, thinking hard.

He didn’t even know what had happened to Equestria over the last years—he couldn’t even say how many years he had missed. Now probably wasn’t the time to be volunteering to fix the poor instruction of a single family.

I might need somepony with unicorn magic if I run into trouble in the Everfree. How long could it take to get an aspiring young talent ready to fight?

“I could show you,” he finally said lamely. “But first! Smallest laborer horse, we will have to resort to the primitive tools of our lowly station to get that map: teamwork.” He stepped sideways, bracing up against the shelf. “Climb up and grab the tube. Be mindful not to drop it—we don’t know how ancient it might be. Vellum becomes brittle as it ages.”

He had to duck down for Pipsqueak to clamber onto his back, but he did, and didn’t object until he’d already stood up again. “Why do you talk like that?”

“The question we all ask ourselves,” Sauce said. “Because Luminous Arc would crack me with a ruler if I did otherwise. Old habits. Deportment, decorum, delicious. The principles of a rounded education. But I’ve had that education more than once now, and the contradictions become constrictions. You know how it is.”

“I have no idea,” he said. But then he got his mouth around the tube, and flopped sideways off Sauce’s back. He landed on the map, righting himself quickly.

“Exactly what I said about putting them on the floor,” Sauce muttered, clucking his tongue with faint disapproval. “Now come on, I need to see this map. We have quite the journey ahead of us.”

Should he be feeling guilty for how easily the little ponies went along with what he was saying? Maybe. He didn’t though.

They left the other map on the floor, and he hadn’t seen whether Pipsqueak’s hooves had even done anything to it. But despite what he said, Sauce didn’t care. Trottingham could keep its own maps.

“Do you really know about unicorn magic?” the filly asked, while he was rolling out the map. “How’d you learn?”

“I dunno if he knows,” Pipsqueak muttered. “Sounds like he just likes to hear himself talk.”

“Yes and yes,” Sauce declared, hopping up onto the table beside the map.

Most of what it showed was useless—names for local buildings, zoning and the like. But there was a little that mattered.

Off in one corner, the scraggly, overgrown nightmare that was the Everfree Forest. Best protection against invasion Equestria’s capital could possibly have.

There in the center, right where he expected, was the Castle of the Two Sisters. Though the artist had clearly taken some liberties with the way they drew it—it couldn’t look like that.

“I’ll prove it, too,” he continued, hopping back down into the chair. “Want to come on an adventure with me? I’ll teach you on the way. You’ll be casting levitation like a pro by the time we get there, or your money back!”

Dinky giggled again. “That sounds fun. Can we be home by dark? My mom gets real nervous if I stay out too late.”

Sweet Sauce nodded, though he didn’t think it was true. “I can practically guarantee it.”

Comments

[Bronycommander]

lovely!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Oh, this is going to be a lot of fun. Sweet is a blend of self-aware, self-important, and self-oblivious that would be a lot more irritating if he could back up any of it. As is, he’s teaming up with Best Filly. Eagerly looking forward to seeing this journey unfold.

[duckmagee]

11246284
he probably get along with blueblood

[Bandit1990]

I think I can see how this guy got himself banished. This looks like it'll be a hoot and a half. I'm looking forward to it.

[Charliehorse]

George Lucas.
Alfred Hitchcock.
Steven Spielberg.
Starscribe.

We need to discuss the movie rights. [e-mail]

[TartarusFire]

Stupendous!

11246294
Yeah, that third time victory at the Harmony Soufflé tournament cost him big time.

[Level Dasher]

Oh man. Dis gon' be gud.

[mrkillwolf666]

I Love this

[Avercast]

This has potential!

[FridayPie]

He is anti proto-Twilight (she meant to be Earth pony)