11210413

I didn't ask for their age?

11210973
Sorry bout that! Guess i got too carried away!

11210978

I do at least understand that next time, I should PM you. But, I'm not a "PM-type" of person. ( Basically, I don't PM often. ) I normally use the regular comment section.

Alright I read over the story and here's my thoughts on it:

To start off with the Prologue the sex scene just wasn't my cup of tea I guess. (True I have Anthro OC's myself but they aren't used for sex in my stories.) 

One thing I did notice a lot was that the dialogue is lumped into one paragraph. When you do dialogue it's a new paragraph for each person speaking. 

Instead of doing this:

Octavia walked into the living room and saw Vinyl and Mystic in a loving embrace. "What's going on here?", Octavia asked Vinyl. Vinyl looked at Octavia,still holding onto Mystic. "Mystic booked us a hotel in Las Pegasus! ", Vinyl shouted to Octavia happily. "Mystic got us train tickets as well!", Vinyl continued.

 
Do this:

Octavia walked into the living room and saw Vinyl and Mystic in a loving embrace.

"What's going on here?" Octavia asked Vinyl. Vinyl looked at Octavia, still holding onto Mystic. 

"Mystic booked us a hotel in Las Pegasus!" Vinyl shouted to Octavia happily. "Mystic got us train tickets as well!"

This story overall was alright, but I will say that it really needs an editor! For that there's a few options:

You can work with a human editor to have another set of eyes on the story.

You can get some editing software like Grammarly to help edit your story.

Or you can read this guide and follow the advice in it and try to edit the story yourself:

https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide

11213039
Thanks for your honesty Sapphire. I will edit the story myself and update it with the dialogue fixed. Guess thats why people are disliking my stories so much.

11213195
Honestly you can't really say for sure that's why people aren't liking it. It could be a number of reasons. But fixing the dialogue at least is a good way to improve the story.

11213374
i did fix the dialogue. Was i supposed to press enter to like separate them or what?

11213381
Yes for a new paragraph you hit enter.

11213394
Thanks for the help!

11213814
You're welcome, if you need any other help feel free to PM me.

11213836
alright.