Hello, everyone! Rasbunny here, taking a delightful new adventure into the endless world of fan fiction, this time, for my personal favorite, Ponies! I'll be sure to write a bunch, and read and rate a bunch too! Please feel free to talk to me, I don't bite! If you have a gaiaonline account, I use the same username (Rasbunny), so feel free to add me!
While the mane six are depressed about being alone on Hearts and Hooves Day yesterday, a package is given to Twilight. Opening it carefully, she finds a beautiful necklace. But what is the occasion? Who gave it to her? Will she find out who it is?
(Proofread by my bestie, Justin!)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hearts and Hooves Day does tend to mess with one's head.
This is kinda sweet, though your proofreader did miss a couple of howlers.
I suggest putting a space between every paragraph so it doesn't look so squished together. There are also some grammatical errors such as forgetting to capitalize the first word in a sentence, or putting a period at the end of somepony's dialogue when it calls for a comma. Other than those mistakes, this story was fairly good. Oh yeah, there are also some parts that could use semicolons instead of commas.
Heh, thank you two-- my friend isn't the best with grammar, because he's from china, and has bad english. However, he's the only person I know who enjoys ponies enough to even read a fanfic, so he was my only choice.