Breakfast in Bed

xDan

xDan #1 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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By the beard of Zeus. Those are some pretty short chapters you've got there.

EDIT: OH BOY HERE WE GO

"Morning, Blitzy.~" You chime, resting your

Woah, woah. I think the main character is more talented here; they can pronounce tildes.

He's pretty eager this morning, you think to yourself.

You need to italicize thoughts.

Slowly, you inch your hand down his body

Wait... this became a human story...?

You look down. You're still naked.

Ponies are always nakes, unless MC is in fact a human. Then you need the human tag.

"Wellll... This is... Awkward."

You don't capitalize words after ellipses. I'm guessing this was written on a mobile.

He shrugs and turns around, facing Rainbow Blitz, and shakes his plot dangerously close to your face.

>facing Rainbow Blitz, and shakes his plot dangerously close to your face
>and shakes his plot dangerously close to your face
>and shakes his plot dangerously
>his plot dangerously
>plot
PLOT IS NOT A GOD DAMN ANATOMICAL PART OF AN EQUINE. GOD. IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO FAP TO THIS, MAKE THEM FAP TO WORDS THAT ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING.
I'm done now.

Bubble Berry want you, alone?

Wants.

"Oh boy! I've never done it with a human before!~" Bubble Berry giggles excitedly and smiles at you.

Why haven't you added the human tag?

"Just, be gentle, please?"

You don't need the comma after "just", even if that's a pause. Maybe a dash or an ellipsis.

All right. Gay human clopfic, but at least it wasn't written with one hand.

Question time: Why didn't you stick yo dick in him? And what happened to Blitz?

Pinks

Pinks #2 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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1266280
It was enough to satisfy my sick mind. I'll be writing much longer chapters when I write the reader x Elusive one.

xDan

xDan #3 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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1266356
I've edited my comment with a review. I also liked the story, but the fact that you didn't warn of humans was enough to stop me from faving it. What an unpleasant surprise.

Pinks

Pinks #4 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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1266368
Like I said, I wrote it for myself more than anyone, I just wanted to see what other people thought.
The criticism is appreciated though. I'll take that into consideration next time.

Pinks

Pinks #5 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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1266368
Oh and to clarify, I missed the human tag. Didn't know there was one. I figured "Crossover" kinda would make you think, but I guess I think differently than people.

xDan

xDan #6 · Sep 13th, 2012 · · · 4: Tight Spaces (Anal) ·

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1266377
You're welcome.
Protip: Next time you make something that's more for yourself, host it on a private site.

I notice you have the Crossover tag. I believe you mean Human. Crossover refers to the MLPFiM universe being thrown together with another (Team Fortress 2, Negima Magister Negi Magi, Dragon Ball, anything fictional).

Double-edit: You can edit your comments instead of making a new one with the little pencil-and-paper button.

Pinks