Coming Out Of My Cage

by Boopy Doopy

(20) Unwritten

Katrina could tell that Jase was largely disappointed as he quickly learned that Ponyville was already quite similar to Earth, despite lacking technology or humans. Still, he answered the questions Twilight had as she appreciated the setting sun, seeing Equestria at night for the first time and being able to view a sky full of stars.

“I can’t believe we’re in an alternate universe and it looks exactly the same as home,” Jase complained. “I mean, not exactly the same, but it’s not alien. It’s just looking at Earth five hundred years ago except with a lot of horses. This is fucking bullshit.”

“You’re literally a pony in what Twilight says is another dimension, and you’re complaining about the scenery?” Katrina smiled. “I think you’re just being picky.”

“Yeah, well, you’re the one who said you’re trans, so who’s actually the picky one here?” Jase joked. It only earned a visible cringe from his sister, who stopped in her tracks.

“Please- please don’t… let’s not, okay?” she said. “I’d really prefer it if you would not say things like that, please. I already feel awful enough about myself as it is.”

“Sorry. Bad joke. I won’t do it again. Uhh… did you know you’re very cute? If you weren’t my brother- err, sister- I’d definitely ask you out.”

“Okay, you’re making it worse. That’s disgusting. Please don’t ever say that again because I’ll vomit if you do.”

“Sorry.”

With that, the trio walked in silence, back to a park that Twilight and Katrina had visited before. The night was cool as they sat in the grass under a tree, a few ponies still out and about. Katrina closed her eyes and adjusted her tail as Jase stared out at the landscape, occasionally looking down at his limbs as if to confirm that he was indeed still a pony. Twilight glanced between the two of them for a minute before she broke the silence again.

“So you’re Katrina’s younger brother?” she asked Jase casually. “How much younger are you?”

“Four and a half years,” she answered for him, keeping her eyes closed. “To the day, too. His birthday is May 17th and mine is November 17th.”

“How many siblings do you have again?” the mare asked. “Including yourself.”

“There’s four of us. Older brother, then older sister, then me, and then him. Our brother is twenty-nine I think, Sam’s twenty-seven… no, twenty-eight, and then twenty-six and twenty-two for us.”

“Mark’s the most successful out of all of us though,” Jase added, going back to the smile he usually wore. “He went to college and everything, didn’t you?”

Katrina could practically feel Twilight flinch at her brother’s words as she said, “I… I don’t think… maybe you should-”

“It’s fine,” she interrupted. “I don’t expect him to change a lifetime of knowing me in a day or a week, or even a year honestly. Right now, as long as he tries, it’s fine.”

“Awww, you’re so nice to me,” Jase responded with that same joking tone he always had. “But yeah, Ma- errr, Katrina went and bought a house and everything. Even as much as he likes to brag, Trent can’t claim that, can he?”

“I guess not, but he really does make like two hundred thousand dollars a year, which is probably more than the rest of us combined, even including me.”

“It sounds like a very interesting dynamic you all have,” Twilight commented. “I only have one sibling, a brother named Shining Armor. But I still love him very much, and my parents, too.”

“Eh, I try to love them all, but they make it difficult sometimes,” Katrina admitted. “But it is what it is. What can you do?”

“Aw, come on, I don’t make it that difficult, do I?” Jase said. “I’m your favorite brother, right? You have to at least give me that title. I mean, Trent can’t possibly compete with me.”

“How about you can be my favorite little brother?” she did her best to joke back. “I’ll even let you be my favorite younger sibling. You’ll be the king of them all.”

“Awww you’re so nice to me, thanks,” he responded, the two of them earning a giggle from Twilight. “Also, you looooooove me?”

“I will disown you right now if you keep saying things like that, Jase,” Katrina scowled. “I swear I will if you keep it up.”

“You’re no fun. Sam would appreciate my humor. You’re officially my second favorite sister.”

“That’s because you and Sam are both disgusting heathens.”

“You two act just like brother and sister,” Twilight interrupted. “It’s very fun to watch. If it’s possible, I’d love to meet the rest of your family, Katrina. I have to get back home now though. I have to prepare for a meeting with Princess Celestia early tomorrow, and then I have another long day of school to teach. I expect that you know your way back to the castle from here by now, right?”

“Yes, I know. I’ll see you tomorrow, right? If you want to, we can go out to a park close to my house.”

“Yes, that sounds very lovely. I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, she was off, leaving the brother and sister sitting alone under the tree.

“Is that your girlfriend, Mark?” Jase asked after the mare was out of earshot. “Also, shouldn’t you be at work right now, logged into your phone?”

“No, she’s not, and yes, I should. I honestly completely forgot after everything that happened. But it’s fine cause I can just call in for today when we get home.”

“And you’ve just been coming here every single day and turning into a horse and hanging out with aliens without me?”

“Yes, I have been, but in my defense, the plan was to never let anyone know I was trans ever and just use this place to manage dysphoria until I died. You, uh, you kind of screwed that plan up by needing to move in with me.”

He nodded silently at that, quiet for a moment before saying, “This is gonna sound weird, but even with… all of this and being a horse, I’m kind of more interested in you right now. I just wanna ask you a whole bunch of questions. Can I just, like, go all out?” Katrina shrugged and nodded, and he started, “Are you just gonna live here for the rest of your life and abandon us?”

“Of course, he starts with the hard question first,” she thought as she answered, “I don’t know. I like how I feel being here, but… to put it simply, this to me feels like roleplaying. As magical as it is, I want the magic to happen to me on that side, too. I told Twilight this, too. If this is as good as it gets, I’ll take it, but I want to be able to be myself on Earth, too, where I don’t trip over my hooves or have to adjust my tail or be a pony. Being a pony makes me uncomfortable.”

“Huh. I thought you were going to say yes to that,” he trailed off. “Now that the shock is kind of wearing off, I have to say, being a horse feels kind of nice. I would move here if I could.”

“Yeah, well, being a horse makes me uncomfortable as hell,” she told him. “Not as uncomfortable as I feel having to be a man, but still. I can’t really say I like it very much.”

“I can’t possibly see how you would dislike it, either of those things. I mean, look at me! This is amazing!” He grinned as he looked down at himself. “I’m a horse! This shouldn’t be possible, and yet here I am!”

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and sigh at that. Of course, he liked being a pony. She once again felt jealous of him, unable to stop the thought that it was just another way she was broken. Hearing it made her sure that anyone else who turned into a pony wouldn’t care as much about it as she did.

“So then do you plan to, like, transition and stuff?” Jase asked. “I’m not sure how the others will take it, but I know Dad wouldn’t like it at all. Although, to be fair, I’m not sure he’d like it very much if you said you were gonna be moving into an alternate universe and living the rest of your life as a horse. That might be slightly worse to him in my estimation.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t really care what Dad thinks. If he wants to hate me, then he can hate me. I’m done playing everyone else’s game. I just want to be myself. It’s not Dad’s life to live, or anyone else’s.”

She couldn’t believe she was actually saying that. Just a few days ago, she was talking to Twilight about how she thought she would be a coward for her whole life. Now though, she felt like she was ready to tell the whole world. Maybe she could even tell her Dad about who she was soon.

She gave a little shiver at that thought. “Maybe I’m not at that point yet, but it’s one step at a time. After I do though, maybe I could...”

“How did you figure out if it wasn’t this place?” he asked. “Like, what did it?”

“This is the part where you’re gonna think I’m kind of stupid,” she said, then sighed. “I remember little things, like trying on Sam’s clothes when no one was around when I was fourteen and being jealous of girls puberty and falling asleep at night to imagining myself being a girl, but it never, like, set in for me. Maybe I was in denial or something or just completely oblivious, but I never associated the word ‘trans’ with myself, even given all of that. And then one day, I don’t know how old I was, I guess we’ll say twenty, I was browsing around online and just stumbled across an article that said ‘signs of dysphoria’ and read through it, it all just clicked in my head. All those memories of being a teenager came back and actually made sense now.” She paused for a moment before adding, “It was probably the scariest moment of my whole life. I remember crying for the entire afternoon because I didn’t want it to be true.”

“Next question. What does dysphoria feel like?” Jase asked. “You said you had it, and I think I know. Do you, like, hate yourself?”

She sighed as she explained, “I just- I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Looking at myself, having to feel the sensation of body hair, listening to my voice, it just repulses me and makes me want to cry. And it’s just every second of every single day. It doesn’t stop over there, and I hate it with my whole being. I hate feeling that way.”

“That seems very weird to me,” Jase said. “I mean, I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t imagine that, like at all. Actually, maybe… well… no, never mind. I was gonna say being a horse sounds like that, but being a horse is amazing. I mean, look at this cute white hoof! It’s adorable, even on a clearly alpha male like me.”

“Oh yeah, Jase, I’m sure you’re an alpha male,” Katrina chuckled. “You just give off that energy, obviously.”

“I’m glad you think so,” he joked back. “But yeah, no. I don’t get that at all.”

“Well, maybe a good analogy is this: imagine you’re covered from head to toe in syrup or something. It’s the stickiest syrup you’ve ever felt, and no amount of washing it off would ever get rid of it. And you were just constantly sticky all day, every day, except everyone else assured you that you were fine and they couldn’t see any syrup on you and didn’t feel it when they touched you. It’d be frustrating as heck and you’d feel super gross and eventually you’d start to think that maybe everyone else is secretly frustrated too and feels just as sticky as you. But no, they don’t. You’re the one that’s not right and it turns out it’s not normal for everyone to feel that way. And they can’t comprehend why it would upset you so much because they can’t see it or feel it. It’s like that, except times one thousand.”

“Yes, that would be very annoying,” Jase agreed, nodding thoughtfully. “I can imagine why you’d be so upset with yourself if that’s how you felt.”

“It’s not fun at all,” she confirmed.

“You know, it’s weird to think that you hear that voice in your head all the time, the one you have right now. Do you really not, like, hear your regular voice? At all?

She shook her head at that, saying, “If it makes any sense, it’s weird to speak out loud and not hear this voice come out. I can’t help but think that this is what I’m supposed to sound like, and it hurts to talk and hear the wrong thing.”

“Huh. That’s strange to me. But I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have done something sooner or told anyone before. You said you knew since you were twenty? How come you didn’t start doing something then?”

“Because I… I can’t help but feel a little bit ashamed of myself for feeling like this. That was the overwhelming feeling I got for months after I read that article. I felt so ashamed for feeling like this and being this way, and I still kind of do. I shouldn’t feel like this.”

Katrina sighed and continued, “I’m just a big fat coward and very stupid, so cowardly and stupid and it took me accidentally outing myself to you to start to get completely fed up with being a coward. I’m done trying to manage dysphoria. I just want to be myself.”

She didn’t know what was different now with Jase than it was with Twilight and Sylvia. Maybe it was the fact that he was family. Somehow, though, the words he told her hours ago stuck with her. She shouldn’t care what other people think. It was a common phrase she’d heard throughout her life, but now the phrase made her want to take the risk and do something to fix herself, as scary as it was.

“Understandable,” her brother replied simply. “It sounds like the very worst experience possible, so I can see why you’d want to do something.”

“It is. I don’t like being sticky.”

“So, like, you are gonna transition and stuff, right?” he asked. “I’m just curious because I know a lot of people wouldn’t really like it if you did.”

“I don’t know. I- I really don’t know. But the idea of it feels much better to me after talking to you, even if this whole conversation started because of an accident.”

“Awwww, that means I helped,” he smiled. “I’m glad.” He stood up to stretch as he said, “Now show me more stuff. This is supposed to be an alien world in an alternate universe. There has to be more to it than just things that look like Earth.”

“Maybe tomorrow, okay?” she told him. “I do need to get back and get some semblance of work done.”

“Well, fine, but I’m gonna hold you to that. If it turns out this is all a prank and is gone by tomorrow, I’m going to be very upset. Can we at least take the long way home though? I wanna see what there is to see.”

“Sure, we can take the long way home since you want to. And no, this isn’t a prank.”

“I can only wish this was a prank,” she thought sadly to herself as she looked around at the world then down at herself. “Still, I’m so much closer than I have ever known.”

Comments

[Chatoyance]

I hope Jase starts using the right pronouns for Katrina soon. That grates on me really badly!

[Level Dasher]

“Well, maybe a good analogy is this: imagine you’re covered from head to toe in syrup or something…...It’s like that, except times one thousand.”

...I felt that. Like, I really felt that as I read it. God, is that really what it's like? If you wanted your readers to understand it, you nailed it. At least, for me you did.

[Ali della Morte]

because I’ll vomit if you do

Did you know that horses are physically incapable of vomiting?

[Ali della Morte]

After reading this, comparing some of it to myself and googling "common signs of dysphoria", I believe I may have it myself... I know it's not the autism that makes me feel the way I do, so maybe it's dysphoria. I don't know how to feel about that...

[Chrome Masquerade]

“Well, maybe a good analogy is this: imagine you’re covered from head to toe in syrup or something. It’s the stickiest syrup you’ve ever felt, and no amount of washing it off would ever get rid of it. And you were just constantly sticky all day, every day, except everyone else assured you that you were fine and they couldn’t see any syrup on you and didn’t feel it when they touched you. It’d be frustrating as heck and you’d feel super gross and eventually you’d start to think that maybe everyone else is secretly frustrated too and feels just as sticky as you. But no, they don’t. You’re the one that’s not right and it turns out it’s not normal for everyone to feel that way. And they can’t comprehend why it would upset you so much because they can’t see it or feel it. It’s like that, except times one thousand.”

Everyone you meet is fighting an invisible war that you know nothing of.

[Chrome Masquerade]

11092204
Same, but to a... lesser extent.

[Chrome Masquerade]

Can I saythat Jase is being a real bro, here? Well, maybe it's just that my brother was kind of a jerk by comparison (and a bigger -or at least more persistent- troll than Celestia could be considered). Anyway, Jase is being helpful, supportive, considerate and not derogatory.

[SethFilms]

Great chapter, keep everything up!

[The Weaver]

“Yeah, well, I don’t really care what Dad thinks. If he wants to hate me, then he can hate me. I’m done playing everyone else’s game. I just want to be myself. It’s not Dad’s life to live, or anyone else’s.”

Bava…

[tsaukpaetra]

Surprised they didn't encounter any residents.
Feels like the shock is possibly waning.