(9) Blurry
It was the third time Katrina stepped through the portal, and for the third time, she felt the dysphoria melt away, much to her relief. She found herself thinking that this time it wouldn’t for some reason and held her breath as she stepped through, releasing it once the expected happened. It helped to ease her mind about her recent confession and gave her a bit of a confidence boost.
She didn’t want to waste her time today and quickly made her way into the library, where she found Twilight sitting by herself reading a book, her leg still casted up. The mare looked up and waved to her with a free hoof, then made a motion directing Katrina to her.
“Hey, I was just working on your compensation,” she told her happily as she pushed the book aside. “I know I’m not the Royal Authority of Equestria, err, not on their council, but Princess Celestia trusts me to determine what fair compensation would be.”
“Oh, I- I don’t need anything,” Katrina told her. It was the truth, too. As nice as she felt about herself right now, she didn’t need anything else, except for a lot of things that Twilight probably couldn’t offer her. Speaking of which…
“Um, I actually do have a question though,” she started quietly, feeling very nervous.
“Well we can’t just give you zero compensation,” Twilight ignored her. “But if you don’t want anything right now, we can set up a bank account in your name. It looks like the average cost of a home where you live is a hundred and seventy-seven thousand bits if I understand well enough. It’s nearly thirty times the average price of an Equestrian home, but I’m sure Princess Celestia will approve it if I send it to her.”
“That- that is way too much,” she tried to argue. “I didn’t buy my house for that much, and- and even if I did, I really don’t need anything…”
“Well then consider it a gift,” the mare told her happily. “A lifetime supply of bits for use of your home to test out the worldgate. But Equestrian law does say we have to give you fair market value. Anyway, what were you going to ask me?”
“Umm…” she trailed off, getting shy again. She hated so much having to do this. She didn’t even know if she was doing the right thing. Sure the dysphoria was gone now, but if she changed herself and the dysphoria came back, then… she couldn’t bear to think about that.
Even more so was having to tell Twilight the reason why. Sure, she came out to Sylvia yesterday, but that wasn’t real. Not as real as this. As much as she wanted to change, she greatly despised the idea of having to tell people her secrets.
“Just ask,” Katrina told herself. “She already knows how badly you look on that side. If she can make a portal to another dimension, then she can make you look how you want. If you don’t like it, she can probably just change you back anyway…” Not that she wouldn’t like it. She knew she’d love every second of it, except for the part where she’d have to tell her family.
“I was wondering if…” she started quietly, trailing off for a second. “Was there any way you could make me look like a female on that side?” As she asked it, she looked away for a second before forcing herself to make eye contact with Twilight. “I mean, you said there was magic to make a portal to another dimension, so I was just thinking that maybe…?”
“I don’t believe so,” the unicorn told her seriously, causing her to frown. “Teleportation magic is much, much easier than transformation magic, especially something as complicated as permanently changing your physical appearance. As far as I understand, normally what might happen is somepony would go into a clinic that specializes in this kind of magic week to week to change much more gradually, over the course of several months or even a few years. At least, that’s what I remember from what I read. I know there are a lot of safety issues with transformation magic if it’s being done artificially, that much is certain.”
“But... that teleporter, a worldgate you called it? That was able to change me instantly, and I don’t feel sick or anything. How come that was able to?”
“I’m not sure about that,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “That was one of the issues we had when designing an artificial worldgate. We didn’t know if creating one artificially would also transform some creature artificially and what kind of effect it would have. If I had to guess though, I wouldn’t say it’s the worldgate specifically that’s changing you, but rather the travel through the worldgate. We only really designed it to move from one point to another in space, which makes me think it would be natural magic during the trip that’s changing you as you cross. It would explain why you and I had clothes on Earth but none on this side, which is what natural worldgates do, too.”
“Oh,” Katrina responded simply, not really getting it but sighing in disappointment anyway at the basic gist of what she was saying. “I understand.” It was probably for the best anyway, she decided. Even if it were possible and it went completely smoothly, it wouldn’t just be as easy as that. There would be so much to do, and even if she could, her brain still told her that the dysphoria would come back. Not to mention having to tell people. As much as she wanted to change, it just wasn’t going to happen.
“Do you have a restroom I could use?” she suddenly asked, mostly just trying to change the subject. “I mean, obviously you do, but where is it at?”
“Down the hall from here, straight back,” Twilight said, Katrina nodding in response and hurrying away, moving as carefully as she could so as not to step on her tail or trip over her hooves. She should’ve known the answer would be no. She felt completely embarrassed that she even asked about it at all. As nice as the change was, it was too much to hope for that she’d be able to do anything, even if she was completely sure of herself that she wanted to.
She stepped into the restroom and, before she had time to enter the stall, caught sight of herself in the mirror and gasped. She knew she felt much nicer than she did before, but she was utterly shocked by just how amazing she thought she looked. For a moment, she couldn’t believe she was actually looking at herself. Even as a pony, she looked so much better than she ever looked in her whole life. It was an unbelievable feeling to be able to look in the mirror and actually like who she saw. She might not have been human, but it was so much better than anything she could ever hope to be on Earth. She put a hoof up to her mouth as she stared at herself, and before she could stop herself, the tears started to flow.
“This cannot be me,” she silently said as she cried, now unable to look away. “There’s no way I look this nice.” It felt like she was seeing herself for the first time, and even if it was as a pony, the feeling was unbelievable.
She shivered and let the tears drip down, turning her body from left to right to admire herself. A purple coat and a bright golden mane with dazzling brown eyes, seeing it made her wonder if she would ever be able to match something similar on Earth. She had the hair down already, nearly as long as her mother’s, and the eyes. Maybe, but…
It was a thought that made her shiver for a second in front of the mirror. She looked almost, but not quite, like herself. This was what she wanted to be on Earth as a human, and was something that would never happen. Being a pony was nice, but she wasn’t a pony. It took away her dysphoria to be who she was now, but it still wasn’t enough. She wasn’t herself. She was only roleplaying as herself, and it hurt her to think about.
She stood still and continued to look herself over, so long that she was suddenly jumping in surprise at Twilight’s hoof touching her shoulder.
“What are you doing?” the mare asked, confused. “Is something wrong?”
“I… I look nice,” she responded, still distracted by herself, her eyes a bit red. “I’ve never in my life thought I looked this nice before.”
Twilight nodded silently, looking at Katrina’s reflection along with her for a quiet minute. She let her have a few moments before finally speaking.
“I know you said you don’t want to discuss it, but I’m curious,” she started. “Are you a transgender female?”
She only nodded, looking away from the mirror shamefully for a moment, like she did something wrong. “I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this moment to come,” she said, turning back to the girl in the mirror. “It’s unbelievable, and I’m not even…”
She closed her eyes and let out a breath, the tears dripping down again. She shivered to herself before opening them again and going back to looking at her reflection, putting a hoof on the mirror.
“I want to be this on that side, too, but I can't,” she whispered.
“Why can’t you?” Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow, curious. “I'm sorry about there being very little I can do, but as far as I understand, Earth has more in the way of technology than Equestria does. Does Earth not have something that can fix you?”
“Yeah, I mean… there are pills and stuff that can make me look a little better, but I still would look absolutely horrible,” Katrina sniffed, stiffening and feeling a little embarrassed by how factually Twilight was speaking. “You saw how awful I looked. It’s bad, and I know that I’m never gonna be who I want…”
“And even if I did,” she silently added, “I would have to tell people that this is what I want, and that’s never going to happen.”
“I’m sure whatever you can do couldn’t be worse than what I saw of you before,” Twilight replied thoughtlessly, taking a moment to realize what she said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that you were-”
“I understand. I know I look completely fucking horrible and masculine and ugly right now, but it’s not going to happen,” she replied, a bit more forcefully. “It’d be different if there was magic to help me, but the only magic I can use turns me into a pony on this side and gives me hooves and a tail. It’s not gonna help with that side if it just changes me back when I step through again.” She closed her eyes tightly in bitterness as she said, “Why couldn’t it have just turned me into a human girl on this side? I could just move here and have everything I ever wanted…”
“I’m sure there’s something though,” she pressed. “Maybe you could-”
“It doesn’t matter! It’s not gonna ever be me!” she suddenly interrupted in a frustrated tone. “The best I’ll ever be is an ugly man who’s pretending! That’s how my dad’s gonna see me at least.” She was clearly getting more upset, however, Twilight pressed on anyway.
“Excuse me if this comes off as ignorant, but wouldn’t something at all be better than nothing? I would assume that if you hate the way you look that much you would want to-”
“It’s easy to assume what someone else should do when you’re not the one who has to make the decision! I have to live with whatever I am! My life just gets a thousand times harder if I try to fix myself, and even then it might not be worth it! I want it so badly, but… it just… I hate my life and I hate having to deal with this!”
It might be worth it if it ended her dysphoria on that side, but her mind still told her that it would come back even if she did transition. She felt like she would be risking her whole life to only be part of what she wanted to be.
She shivered again, going back to crying, no longer enjoying the niceness she had now and instead getting caught up in what she couldn’t have. This was why she didn’t want to acknowledge how she felt. If she didn’t acknowledge it, she wouldn’t have to think about these things. It might still hurt- no, it would definitely still hurt. It would be absolutely brutal like it was every single day of her life- but at least she could pretend there was nothing she could do about it. As unbelievable as she felt about herself right now, she couldn’t help but hate that she had to go through that portal.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said softly. “I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible it must be to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. But I have to ask, would the risk of your life being more difficult be worth it for the chance to be able to be yourself?”
She didn’t know. She absolutely didn’t. At least if she knew it wasn’t, she could flat out say so and be done with it and just try to manage her dysphoria. But not knowing, that was what made it hard. Knowing how amazing it was to be able to be herself was what made it hard. She wished she had the answer.
“I don’t want to keep talking about this,” she finally told the unicorn, letting out another shiver. “Please, just leave me alone right now.”
“I’m sorry, I won’t bring it up again. But I will be here if you want to talk.”
Katrina didn’t respond, only sniffling as she tried to go back to staring at her reflection. As she turned though, she stepped on her tail for what felt like the hundredth time and fell down, a move that caused her to sob.
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Arrrrghhh... well, that is entertainingly frustrating. Katrina: start begging to be permanently an Equestian! Problem solved!
This... it's hard to put into words just how much this hits me. I'm also trans-fem, and only partially out of the closet at that. The idea of telling anyone I can't just completely cut out of my life should their response be less than ideal is absolutely terrifying, and that's before factoring in the contant questioning of if I'm even right about how I feel and what I am. Seeing that pain and fear so precisely captured in Katrina... to be honest it actually eases some of the doubts about myself I have. Thank you, for writing this. Thank you.
I have a slew of issues, one of them being a minor body dysphoria... Eventually I internalised it. You would never be able to tell, but I would sell my soul if it ment I could be a woman... Even if I'm butchy af.
11080047
Unless the quadrupedal shape and the hooves and the snout and the huge fucking eyes start giving her body dysphoria instead because she remains firmly human inside? She'd likely be trading one problem for another just as big. She likes how she looks as a pony over how she looks as a human, but the fact that she's still putting so much focus on how she looks as a human and asking about magicking that better speaks volumes.
Bits don't seem useful, at least on the Earth side. If she tried to sell them (legally or on the black market) she would rapidly gain attention she wouldn't want, from either the government or criminals.
Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
11080047
"I want to emigrate to Equestria"
... Oh wait, wrong fic
Even so the transformation sounds like it might be more full then anything humans have. Which if Katrina eventually does decide to transition magic might do a better job.
Yes Twilight, academically it's simple. But life isn't usually so cut and dry...