Mark always knew he was... well, you know. But that didn't matter, at least until a portal to Equestria appeared.
Mark always knew he was... well, you know. But what was he supposed to do about it? Nothing, really. It didn't matter anyway. Nothing was ever going to change. Or so he thought, until a portal to Equestria appeared in his house. But with that portal, he'll be forced to acknowledge and confront what he is head on.
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Mark sighed and cringed at himself as he looked in the mirror. He had no idea what was wrong with him.
Not that there was anything wrong with his face or body. It looked normal and seemed fine enough. Some might even say handsome. Long, blonde hair, a clean-shaven face, not a scar or pimple in sight. There were many people who would have been envious of him. And yet, looking at himself made him uncomfortable. Repulsed even. There was something wrong with what he saw, and he didn’t know what it was.
Well, that wasn’t true. He actually did know. He knew he was… a certain way. It didn’t matter though. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything about it. What was there to do anyway? Nothing, other than managing his extreme repulsion to himself. He would just go on the way he always did, not acknowledging the problem and pretending he didn’t know what it was. It worked for twenty-six years so far; it would keep working now.
With that, he took one last look at himself and shivered before hopping in the shower and washing his body as fast as he could. It was the way he did things in life. Take a ninety second shower, try not to cut his face while shaving, and quickly comb through his hair, all while doing his best to not look in the mirror. It was how he started his day every day, and it worked for him, he supposed. Worked as well as anything really.
With that out of the way, he put on a shirt and hopped back into bed, opening his laptop to see what there was to do that day. Not that he didn’t know. It was the same as always. Write, watch YouTube and browse memes, wait for calls to come in at his job, and chat around on social media. Social media especially was one of his main pastimes. It was one of the first things he pulled up when he woke up to start his day, and today was no exception.
“Hey guys,”he typed, giving the same greeting he always did every afternoon when he woke up. “It’s me, your girl, Katrina again. How are you all doing this lovely day?”
“I’m good,” someone immediately replied. “I love how you always greet us with that. It’s very sweet of you. And how are you today, ma’am?”
“Absolutely wonderful,” he wrote back, blushing a bit at the nice words. “And I try. It helps that you’re all wonderful people.”
“You’re the one who made the server,” they answered back. “We wouldn’t be here without you. If we’re all wonderful people, then it goes to show how nice of a lady you are, Katrina.”
He smiled to himself at the message as others started replying to him, getting the same sense of happiness he always got when he was called Katrina. “Not that it means anything,” he thought, a lie he always told himself. “It’s just a name. A persona. It’s not like it’s real life…”
That was another lie he told himself. It was as much real life to him as it was anything else. All of his friends knew him as that, not knowing the person behind the name in the slightest. As far as they knew, Mark didn’t exist. It was so much a part of his life that he was certain he’d turn to look if someone called him Katrina in real life. In fact, he remembered more than a few times when he almost answered with it as his name when he was filling out forms or speaking on the phone. It was practically ingrained in him at this point, a part of his being.
That thought made him look down at himself briefly and sigh quietly before looking back at the computer screen to engage with what were his friends. He didn’t know what any of them looked like or knew who they were in real life, nor they him, but he considered them friends all the same. It was more than he had in real life. He didn’t like going out in places where people could see him or hear his voice. It just hurt too much to do. It made it easier now that there was hardly a reason to go out. He was working from home, getting his groceries delivered to him, and even bought exercise equipment so he could stay in shape while limiting his exposure to whatever world lay outside his house. He was content with staying indoors, preferring not to leave for any reason if he could help it, normally only if it were absolutely necessary.
That was his life for many days and weeks, and today he expected things to go no differently. However, he also didn’t expect to receive a sudden private message from someone he didn’t know.
To whom it may concern,
It is by the Crown of Princess Celestia Daybringer and Princess Luna Nightguard that we must inform you of Equestria’s policy of eminent domain and its effects on your residence. By statute 1003.42.08f, the Crown maintains the legal right to possess your residence for purposes deemed beneficial to the Kingdom and considered just under Article XVII of the Equestrian Constitution.
Please know that regarding the purposes for which the Crown wishes to use your property, full possession is not necessary. However, compensation will still be provided to you, in the effect of no less than eight thousand bits and/or relocation to another part of Equestria. Refusal of compensation shall not infringe the right of the Crown to possess your property, however, if compensation is refused, it may be claimed up to fifteen years after the date of this letter at the price of which would have been paid out in the year it was possessed, according to inflation as calculated by the Equestrian Bureau of Labor.
For more information or questions regarding the status of your residence, please contact Miss Raven Inkwell by either letter or in pony. You can schedule a meeting with her Highness Princess Celestia by mail if you prefer or enter the open Night Court of her Highness Princess Luna as well at any time.
-The Royal Authority of Equestria
Dated this day, June 1st, 1006 PCE
“...what?” Mark thought to himself, reading through the message for a second time, and then a third and fourth. “Who the heck is this?” Clearly, someone was trying to pull a prank on him, but what in the world could this kind of prank possibly be? It made absolutely no sense at all, and even reading through it so many times, he couldn’t tell what was being said.
“What the heck is Equestria? And what does “in pony” mean? Who is this?” There weren’t any answers given to him. All the profile name said was “The Royal Authority of Equestria”. No profile picture or bio, no mutual friends or shared servers, nothing. It was very strange, almost as if someone were trying to scam him, except they forgot the actual “scam” part.
He was a second away from just clicking the block button and closing the PM when he suddenly felt his house start shaking, something that stunned him into motionlessness. He heard loud, thunderous sounds, almost as if his house were being torn in two, and had to cover his ears because of the noise. Living in Kansas, he’d never been in an earthquake, and looked around to see if anything would fall or topple over. However, before things could, it ended just as quickly as it began, the shaking stopping and the noise dying down. The experience lasted all of ten seconds, but he could say it certainly left him stunned and afraid. It caught him so off guard, he hadn’t had time to consider the implication of this happening directly after receiving the message from the person who claimed to be the “Royal Authority of Equestria”.
He sat on his bed for a while, looking at the walls around him, waiting for something to happen again. After a while of sitting and nothing happening though, he decided he needed to do something, that something, he decided, being going from room to room to make sure everything was in order. He started at the front of the house, opposite of where his room was, and worked his way to the back, taking a few seconds to scan each room and make sure that everything was where it should be. It wasn’t until he got to a closet tucked away in the interior of his home that he found something.
At first glance, everything was as it should be. Dusty board games he never played still in place and hoodies he always felt the need to wear even when it was scorching outside in a pile on the floor like they always were. However, just as he was going to close the door again and move on, he noticed something shiny glinting into his eye from the ground. He couldn’t say what it was, and moved the clothes pile to find what looked like a ring on the floor. No, more like it was attached to the floor, like a trapdoor.
Moving the pile of clothes completely out of the closet revealed that that was indeed what it was. A square piece of hardwood floor looked to be cut out and placed back into the ground, with enough of a gap between the floor and the doorframe that little cracks of light from somewhere could shine through. It wasn’t something that was there before, as he knew that if it was, he would’ve remembered it. It was a strange sight to see, so strange that he somehow wasn’t able to put together the connection between the PM, the earthquake, and this new feature now built into his home.
He wasted no time in pulling the ring up to open it, revealing a tunnel with a ladder on the side that led to the bottom. From the top, he could see another door at the bottom leading on to somewhere else, probably about twenty-five feet down. It was well lit, with bright glowing somethings on the walls, giving off a warm yellow glow and illuminating his descent. It was also warmer than he expected, the air being a bit above that of his home, and very dry for a cellar. He didn’t pay much mind to it though, quickly getting to the bottom and facing the door that he saw.
The main thing that caught his attention was the gold-plated message engraved into it. “Not available for public use at this time,” he read, noticing a little note attached to the bottom of it, adding with it, “except for the current landowner, one Miss Mark ‘Katrina’ Wiley.”
That made him blush, his cheeks going red and his heart fluttering as he read it. “I’m not a miss…” he thought to himself, looking around and seeing if anyone was nearby, feeling slightly embarrassed. Whoever wrote this was probably just confused about his online persona, since his name was Katrina there. He wasn’t a girl, even if he was… a certain way. Even more so, it made him anxious that someone associated his online persona with real life. Sure, he hardly ever went outside, but he still went out sometimes, and he would rather not have his online life leak into his real life, however unused and underdeveloped the latter was.
“Huh,” he said aloud. “I’m more concerned about my personal life than the fact that an entire cellar was built into my house during a ten second earthquake, one that’s clearly intended to be private except for me.” He couldn’t believe how nonchalant he was about all of this, but decided he would just go with it. Maybe there was something in the air that was messing with his head. Besides, it wasn’t like he had anything else to do, other than stay home all day and hate the person that he was.
With that thought in mind, he casually opened the door in front of him and stepped into another world.
The first thing Mark experienced was, strangely enough, the feeling of peace, of being at ease with his life. No, not even that. It was more happiness, almost euphoria. The feeling of weight being lifted off his shoulders. It was a feeling that caught him completely off guard, one that automatically made his mouth turn up in a smile. He had trouble imagining how stepping through a door could produce such a feeling, but it was one he immediately recognized as something he was waiting a lifetime to feel, so he decided he would take it.
The next thing he experienced was the act of falling forward onto his hands… not hands? He was looking right at them, and could clearly feel them on the what was wooden floor below, but what he felt and what he saw were two different things. In place of his hands he saw stumps, purple things covered in what felt like hair. The word hooves came to mind, but that didn’t make much sense. He wasn’t a horse, that he knew.
Or maybe he didn’t know, because turning around, he saw more bright purple hooves that moved at his command, attached to an equine body that he could clearly tell was now his own. It came complete with a bright yellow tail that he had a little trouble in making move and equally yellow hair that fell on his forehead just above his eyes and down his neck and back. Last but not least, he had a stamp on his flank, a picture of a flag with colors that made him blush at their meaning, if he even could in his current form.
“What in-” he started before quickly stopping and shutting his mouth, his eyes going wide at the voice he heard. It wasn’t a bad voice. In fact, he thought it sounded quite nice. But it wasn’t his voice, at least, not fully. He recognized it immediately as his inner monologue, the voice he heard when he read things or talked to himself. It was quite a lovely voice, and many times he wished it was what his voice sounded like in the real world, but never in his life did he imagine it would.
The urge to glance down under him to see what was between his legs was strong, but he avoided it, just in case what he saw would lead to disappointment. Not that he really needed to. He could already tell without looking that he was a female now, a thought that made his heart flutter again. Not that it meant anything. Even if he was… a certain way, being a female now didn’t change anything. It wasn’t like any of this was real anyway. People didn’t just get randomly turned into horses. A tiny bit annoying, even given how at peace he felt now that the weight he carried before was gone, but not something that would make him or break him. He still would rather have been a human though.
“I’m surprisingly calm about all this,” he said aloud, testing his new voice out as he stood looking out at the empty room in front of him, doing his very best to keep from smiling happily at how feminine he sounded. “Where in the world am I?” he asked himself.
For now, that was an easy answer. He was in what looked like an empty closet or storage room, one holding… he didn’t know what. A large assortment of things from the looks of it. Books and papers and feather pens and candles and chalk and whatever else there was that he couldn’t name. Shelves of stuff lined all the walls around him, the exception being the wall that the door was along behind him and the one in front of him, containing the road to somewhere else. It reminded him of a teacher’s closet or the backroom of an office supplies store, and if he were anywhere else, he would’ve thought it was such.
He carefully put one purple hoof in front of the other, testing out his limbs as he moved to take a look at what kinds of books this place contained. He read titles that ranged from Arcane Magic and the Properties Thereof to A Guide to Friendship in Equestria to Proper Runic Spellcasting and Magical Symbols to even 1001 Tips on Having the Best Slumber Party Ever. It was quite the assortment of books, and it only served to make him more confused.
“What in the world is going on?” Mark asked himself as he looked the room over. There had to be something in the air, he decided. It would explain his sudden euphoria and why he was hallucinating his house shaking and a secret door under a trapdoor that appeared in his closet. Not to mention, being a purple horse, and a…
“There’s no reason to be so happy about this,” he told himself, finally unable to keep the smile off his face. “There’s probably a gas leak in your house that’s making you hallucinate, and you’re standing here giddy about being a purple horse girl. You could be getting brain damage right now. You’re probably in danger or dying or something.”
He turned his head and looked back at the door he came through, deciding not to think about how awkwardly his now equine body moved as he considered heading back out into the safety of his home. He should probably be getting on the phone with the police or poison control or something instead of standing in someplace he didn’t know. If he was hallucinating, which he thought was a strong possibility, it would be best if he did so in his living room, rather than down here.
“Then again, is there really any harm in going further?” he asked himself as he turned back to the door ahead of him. If he was already hallucinating, there wouldn’t be any way he’d be able to get back up the ladder that took him down here. Besides, it wasn’t like he had to work right then or anything important to do. There was no reason he couldn’t explore whatever was down here.
“Not to mention, my body and voice…” he said aloud, looking around once again to see if anyone was around him, blushing as he said it. Even as unbelievably nice as it was that his outer and inner voices matched, how he looked and sounded right now, those things didn’t mean anything. Well… of course it meant something. He knew exactly what it meant and why he was so happy about it. But he wasn’t continuing on because of what it meant. It was just a side benefit of this hallucination. Not that he could walk up the ladder as a horse regardless.
With that firmly in mind, he casually went up to the next door in front of him… and stopped when he saw the knob, frowning to himself. How he was supposed to turn it, he didn’t know. Lifting a hand—hoof—up to try to turn it only made him lose his balance and fall on his stomach. A few more attempts at doing such provided largely the same result.
After a few minutes of falling and bruising himself, he eventually gave in and used his mouth to open it and push his way in. The door opened much more quickly than he expected, and he fell down again, grumbling to himself as he did. His frustration didn’t last long though as he took in the scene in front of him.
What he saw was a pristine, crystal coated library, one that was filled with thousands upon thousands of books, so many that it put the closet he was in before to shame. The walls were purple, a more muted, darker purple than his coat was, and the crystal wasn’t assembled in any particular pattern, which he thought made it look more natural. There were windows near the ceiling letting sunlight through, which made the place more well illuminated than he would’ve expected. There were a few tables with books on them as well and ladders along the shelves to reach higher up. They didn’t go all the way up to the ceiling though, one that was impossibly high, extending higher up into the air than he had climbed down to reach here.
“This all exists under my house?” Mark asked himself, feeling less and less like he was hallucinating as he stood back up on all fours. While it didn’t make sense for him to be a horse and he did still have that sense of well being about himself, especially when he heard himself speak, he didn’t feel like he was hallucinating. His mental state still felt clear, at least as far as he could tell. Not to mention, at least one of those things could be attributed to something other than a gas leak or him hitting his head.
He took in his surroundings for a few more minutes, noticing the same gold plating on the other side of the door he came through and the same little note attached to the bottom, explaining that he (or she, as the note specified) was the only one allowed to use it. Other than that, despite how impressive the room he was in was, there wasn’t much more to see, other than more books and crystals. He figured he should continue on to see what else there was.
He took the obvious exit out of the large room, entering a long hallway, one that stretched quite a distance left to right. It was lined with dozens of doors on either side, and each hallway ended in a set of stairs leading higher up and lower down. It was a bit daunting to see, and rather than moving forward and getting lost, he decided to stand in the doorway of what he now knew was the library and check to see if someone was around.
“Hello?” he called, pushing down the joy he felt at how nice his voice sounded now. “Is anyone there?” he asked. “I don’t know what’s going on here, and um…”
“I’ll be right there!” someone called faintly from far away, Mark unable to tell which direction it came from at first. “Just… just give me a minute!” the voice said, clearly a young male’s.
He felt his ears turn in the direction the sound came from now, and headed towards it instinctively. He went to the left and down the stairs, holding back curses as he nearly tripped due to lack of coordination. As well, he mentally kept a log of where he was in his head. As he went, he heard more, the sound of grunting and metal banging against other metal making itself known. As well, he smelled things like chocolate and vanilla and something savory, and assumed he was heading upon a kitchen.
“I’m almost to you,” he called as he rounded the corner into the room, which he figured out was indeed a kitchen, making sure that whoever was nearby knew he was here and didn’t get surprised by him. “I’m gonna come in, okay? But um, I don’t really look like a person? So… don’t get freaked out if you see me.”
“Wait, don’t come in, Starlight!” the person in the kitchen said as he entered. “This is a surprise for- oh. You’re not Starlight.”
Mark stopped in his tracks as walked in to see a tiny purple dinosaur, or maybe a dragon, standing on a stool stirring a pot of something that smelled good. Wearing a chef’s hat nonetheless as he stared right at him. He noticed the green scales and eyes it possessed along with the practically bored looking expression it wore as it continued to stir what it was cooking while it stared at him.
“You sound a lot like Starlight though… or maybe a cross between her and Lyra Heartstrings? But you don’t look like anypony I’ve ever seen. Who are you?”
“Um, I’m Katrina- I mean Mark!” he quickly corrected. “Mark Wiley! And, um, did you just say I’m a pony?”
Obviously he was a pony. It actually made sense now why his PM specifically talked about visiting someone ‘in pony’. Not to mention the fact that he was purple. He didn’t think many actual horses came in that color. Although it only confused him more as to what was going on and reasserted in his mind that he might be hallucinating.
He was a purple female pony talking to a dragon in a chef's hat cooking a meal. How he was so unconcerned about all of this clearly meant he wasn’t mentally sound right then, even if he was extremely happy about certain changes.
“Uh, yeah?” the purple dragon answered, hopping down from the stool he stood on to make his way up to him. “I’m Spike the Dragon, assistant to Princess Twilight Sparkle! And welcome to her castle! Ah, what are you here for again?”
“I don’t really know… um, I got a PM about eminent domain? And then my house started shaking, and I guess I’m here now? I’m just kind of… I have no idea what I’m doing here, but…” He shrugged his shoulders as best he could for being a pony and gave a small smile, deciding not to question things too much and just go with it.
“Em-something-domain?” he asked. “Twilight told me somepony would be here today asking about that, and she wanted me to give you a letter about it. She also said that if she wasn’t here when you got here to offer you something to read in the library about Equestrian history. But, between you and me, most of her books are kind of boring. I can give you some Power Ponies comics to read if you wanna.”
“Um, that’s fine,” Mark replied, slightly confused and not really knowing where this was going. “Ah, you said there was a letter for me?”
“Yup!” Spike responded, quickly running over to get it off the counter. “Addressed to… wait, you said your name was Mark?” he asked, withholding it from him.
“Well, um…” Mark blushed, looking away. “It’s complicated,” he explained. “I mean, my name is Mark, but… I also… go by Katrina sometimes…” By the time Mark finished, his face practically blood red, finishing his explanation in a whisper as he looked at his feet, or rather, his hooves, absolutely embarrassed.
“Oh, well, I know lots of ponies like that,” Spike said, not really picking up on why he would be embarrassed. “I remember Twilight telling me your name was Katrina, though, but I can call you Mark if you want me to.”
“Um, either is fine,” he answered quickly, his heart fluttering for the third time that day, this time at the thought of being called Katrina in real life. “Whatever you want is okay with me,” he said as he suppressed the urge to smile, still looking at his hooves.
“Whatever you say, Katrina,” Spike responded before extending the paper over to him. “Anyway, here’s your letter.”
It turned out operating with hooves was quite inconvenient. Despite trying his best to use them the way Spike directed, Mark ended up having to take the letter in his teeth and head back up the stairs to the library to read it, nearly tripping on the way up. Opening the envelope was quite the feat for him, and even after he did it, he still couldn’t quite describe how it was done. Even sitting his flank in the chair was a bit of a task, taking a bit of time to find a position that was comfortable for him to be in as a horse, or rather, pony. In the end though, after around twenty minutes wasted, he finally had it opened up in front of him to read.
In essence, it said exactly the same thing the PM he received had said, except in greater detail, describing how payment would be adjudicated and the current process in place for attempting to appeal the use of his house for whatever the Crown wanted it used for. Not that he planned on it. With as nice as he felt right then, there was no way he was going to complain about the situation.
As well, it also described exactly what was being done, not that he really understood it. The best he could make out was that it would become a test highway of sorts, a ‘worldgate’ being the terminology used in the letter. It specified that, being on his property, he would have the privilege to enter and exit through it as he chose, but made clear that he and only he was allowed to use it unless given permission by a member of royalty.
“This is so strange…” Mark mumbled to himself as he looked the letter over. “This isn’t real life, is it? I’m a girl and a pony and some alien government is telling me that my house is being used as an intergalactic highway? This is something straight out of a science fiction movie.”
“I’m back, Katrina!” the dragon, Spike, announced as he made his way up to him, setting a tray of food in front of him. “And I made a casserole, too! It’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. It was kind of supposed to be a surprise for somepony else, but I guess you can have it. Also, what was that about aliens and governments?”
“Well, you’re an- actually, never mind,” he decided, saving his breath. “Is there someone I can talk to about what’s going on?
“Twilight should be back at any minute,” Spike answered. “Actually, I think she said she wanted to talk to you, and told me to make sure that you stayed here when she got here.”
He didn’t know who this Twilight person was, but he decided he would settle for waiting for her to make an appearance. If things got out of hand, the door to his house was just across the room from him. For now, though, he would sit here and eat casserole and enjoy the moment of being in a body that he could stand to be in for the first time ever, even if it was as a horse. He had to admit though, trying to figure out what to do with his tail was taking a little bit away from the experience.
“Oh yeah! My cake!” Spike suddenly remembered after a moment of casually watching Mark try to work the fork in front of him into his hooves. “I have to get back to the kitchen! Twilight said you should read a book about Equestrian history. It’s on the leftmost bookcase.”
“I don’t know who or what that is, but okay,” Mark responded. “I thought you said she was gonna be here any minute though. Also, you said it was just on the left bookcase what she wanted me to read?”
“Uh-huh!” the dragon called, already running back to the kitchen. “Bottom shelf, third from the right! See ya, Katrina!”
He couldn’t help but smile at that and gave a little wave even after Spike had already left. He tried again to eat the casserole with the fork for a little while before eventually giving up on it, bending down and taking a bite straight out of the dish, trying not to get too much sauce on his face. As he did, he wondered to himself whether that dragon was just teasing him about his hooves. He couldn’t see how they could be used to pick up anything, let alone grip something as the creature had suggested. Clearly, his hallucinations were playing tricks on him.
After a few more careful bites of food and a little time spent using a hoof to rub his mouth clean, he got up to get the book requested of him, bending down to use his teeth to grab it, not bothering with his hooves.
“Do not pick that book up with your messy maw!” someone suddenly yelled, causing Mark to jump away instinctively and fall on his butt. The person, or rather, horse, who yelled at him quickly ran up to the bookshelf to inspect it, eyeing it carefully to make sure it wasn’t smudged with what little casserole he had left on his mouth.
“Oh good, no stains,” the horse, a female from how she sounded, sighed with relief, wiping her forehead with a hoof. With that, she turned to Mark bearing an angry expression, asking, “What do you think you’re doing? You could’ve ruined that book with your casserole covered mouth! Are you insane?”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, getting up and taking a step back away from her. “Someone set a casserole in front of me and I couldn’t use the fork, and also I was told to read a book about history while I wait for someone? I don’t really know what’s going on…”
“Wait, are you Katrina?” the horse asked, her whole demeanor changing in an instant, looking excited now. He didn’t get a chance to answer though as the horse, a unicorn with wings he noted, quickly lit up her horn and vanished, leaving him standing alone once again.
“Oh, well, okay,” he said aloud to no one in particular, blinking at the spot she was in a second ago. “That’s a thing, I guess?” He assumed she would be coming back as suddenly as she left and looked around nervously, waiting for her to jump scare him. He stood around silently for a few moments before going back to sitting at the table the letter was at.
“What the heck is going on here?” he asked himself quietly. “How does everyone know who I am?”
Maybe he should try and head back out and get some stuff, like his phone to record all of this to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Or to call an ambulance just in case he actually was. A pair of tongs to put between his teeth to grab things with would be nice, too. He’d give it a few minutes though before heading back out for those things, he decided.
It was less than a few minutes when, as he expected, he was jump scared, falling out of his chair as the horse landed right next to him and startled him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you trip,” the horse apologized quickly, setting the things she went to gather on the table. Old fashioned feathered pens and regular pencils, notebook paper, more than a few books, and an assortment of other things he couldn’t name.
“Oh, I’m so excited!” the unicorn squealed, clapping her hooves together excitedly, not bothering to help him get back up. “I’ve been working on getting a proper worldgate set up for months, and now it’s here! Oh! I should probably introduce myself! I’m Twilight Sparkle, and this is my castle. I’m the Princess of Friendship. And you are? I mean, I already know who you are, but I’ll let you go ahead anyway.” He had to pause for a second before answering to process what the horse said, she said it all so quickly.
“Um, I’m Mark,” he told her, doing his best not to appear as embarrassed as he felt. “Mark Wiley.” As much as he wanted to continue, he resisted the urge to say more, feeling incredibly self conscious about the other name associated with him. Not that it mattered, since she had already used it a few minutes before.
“And you go by Katrina, right?” she asked anyway, not stopping to give him a chance to answer. “It’s so nice to finally meet you! I have to admit, I might have been gathering a little bit of information on you, but I wanted to be absolutely careful because this is such a breakthrough in what we know about Equestria! I mean, we can’t just let any creature waltz in, can we? But don’t worry, I trust you. You seem like a nice mare. Anyway, what do you like to do? What’s it like where you’re from? Do you have any friends? What are you favorite—”
“You’re asking too many questions!” he cut in, putting a hoof up to interrupt her and almost toppling over again as a result. “I can’t even keep up with them! I just want to know what’s going on here first. Like, am I hallucinating, or is this real life?”
“I mean, I don’t see how you could be,” Twilight responded, a bit confused before continuing, “But anyway, if you’re the pony you say you are, you came here through a worldgate from Earth! Which means that worldgates actually work when manufactured instead of being created naturally! It’s a breakthrough in teleportation research and interdimensional travel, because before we were only able to use magic to go through four—”
“Okay, you’re speaking too complicated and all of this is gonna get confusing. Can you just tell me what’s going on in a way that I’ll be able to understand?”
“Well, basically, a worldgate is how somepony, or rather, some creature, travels between dimensions. Stepping through that worldgate I created allowed you to step into another dimension, and took you from Earth to Equestria! Which means that artificially manufacturing a worldgate is possible! And I did it! It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“Um, I’m gonna pretend I know what all that means and ask you why it’s in my house and how the heck you know who I am.”
“Hehe, about that,” Twilight rubbed a hoof behind her head bashfully. “I might have used a little ‘get to know me’ spell to learn who you are. But in my defense, I really didn’t trust a lot of the ponies, err humans, I read about in Princess Celestia’s books. And it was for a good cause! You’re the first human ever to come to Equestria! You should be proud!”
“Okay, so, just to be clear, you know I’m a human, right?” he asked, getting an enthusiastic nod from Twilight. She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, he continued, “So if that… whatever thing, if that brought me to wherever this place is, then why am I a pony now? And a girl? Is that what that worldgate thing is supposed to do?”
“As far as I know, yes, at least with changing you into a pony. I’m certain if I went through to the other side it would turn me into a human just as easily as it changed you into a pony. But um, as for changing some creature’s sex…” She trailed off as she floated over a notebook to take a look at something, telling him, “The information I have from that get to know me spell says you’re a female. Twenty-six years old, prefers the name Katrina—”
“I- I’m not… it’s…” His face went flush as he looked at his hooves again, now more ashamed than he was embarrassed. He didn’t know how to respond properly.
“It- it’s complicated,” Mark said, now whispering. He was suddenly feeling bad about the nice feeling he had. He knew he shouldn’t have felt how he did, but couldn’t help it.
“I can’t see what would be complicated about it,” Twilight said factually. “Are you not supposed to be a female? My ‘get to know me’ spell says you are. It would be interesting to learn that a worldgate could change your appearance based on the perception you have of yourself.”
Hearing that only made him feel more ashamed of himself. While he certainly felt much more at ease with the state of his body in its current form, he found himself cringing at the fact that whatever portal he went through somehow knew this would be what he wanted. That pony, Twilight, all but said as much in her explanation of what happened. He hated that some stranger he didn't know, one he just met, could pick up on something about him that took him all but the last few years of his life to figure out.
"I- I have to go," he announced shakily, making his way back through the door that took him here even as the unicorn called after him.
The second Mark changed back into a human, the familiar feeling of hate he had for himself settled back on him, the dysphoria not taking any time at all to make itself known. He did his very best to ignore it as he shut the door to the closet of the library behind him and quickly climbed the ladder into his own closet, not stopping to think about how quickly his body melted and changed into a human from a pony. He did think it was a bit ironic though that the portal was in not one, but two closets, even if that irony made him feel worse about himself. He was in the closet both metaphorically and physically.
He took no time in getting back up to the main floor of his home and heading to the bathroom, checking his appearance in the mirror. It only took a few seconds however to determine that he looked the same as he always did, something that for the first time in his life he felt good about. Only a little bit though. Even despite the comfort it gave him given the circumstances, every single part of his being still wished he would see someone different.
“So I’m not hallucinating then,” he said aloud before covering his mouth with a hand, remembering that his outer and inner monologue didn’t match here. “That all really did happen. There’s a portal underneath my house that turned me into…”
He had to look away from the mirror and head back to his bedroom before he started to get worked up. He shouldn’t have felt the way he did. There was no reason for it. And yet how he felt about himself weighed down on him at seemingly all hours of the day. Sometimes it was the little things; the sensation of hair on his body, how wide his shoulders seemed to be, the pointed nature of his face, the certain stereotypical interests that he had. Other times it was letting himself get caught up thinking about his past, or what he wouldn’t ever be able to do or experience, or the just plain unfairness that he had to feel the way he did. A lot of the time, the feeling was dull enough that he could mostly manage to ignore it, but it was always there, and he couldn’t stand it.
“Don’t get caught up in this,” Mark said to himself, taking a breath as he closed his eyes tightly, clenching his fists. “I’m not gonna get caught up in this feeling.” Even if being transformed helped him to like the way he felt about himself for the first time in his life, he wasn’t going to get caught up in his feelings.
He exhaled and opened his eyes again, moving to boot up his laptop again before stopping. “No,” he told himself. “I’m not…” He let out another breath, having to rub the wetness out of his eyes. Even as happy as it made him and as much as he liked his personality online, he wasn’t Katrina. He really shouldn’t have been entertaining himself with it as much as he did. It was only going to make him feel worse about what he wasn’t. It wasn’t like it was ever gonna happen anyway. Well, except for a few minutes ago when it did.
“I’m going out,” he announced to no one, getting up to put on a hoodie, not caring that it was going to be hot outside. Despite his dislike for going out, he needed to get out of the house and see someone in real life. Eat out, watch a movie, talk about sports, something to help him get over how he felt, at least for a few hours. It wasn’t a permanent solution, it never was, but something was always better than nothing.
He didn’t even bother asking his brother if he was available, simply sending a text to say that he was coming over. It helped that Jason didn’t have a job at all, giving him the ability to go out whenever Mark desired. He might have taken advantage of the situation more had it not been for the person his brother lived with.
It wasn’t very long at all between his text and his showing up to see his brother, Jase already all set up with food to eat for them. It made Mark smile at his generosity as he quickly plopped down into a couch in the living room. He disliked being in this place for a variety of reasons, to the point where he would rather have gone to a friend’s house if he had any in real life. However, he did his best to ignore the sadness that he felt coming off the walls so he could talk to his brother. Before he could say or do anything though, someone he really didn’t feel like talking to walked in.
“Hey, Mark,” his father said, Mark doing all he could to not roll his eyes. “You’re not coming to move back in, are you?” he joked, although without a smile, “cause the answer’s gonna be no. I already have one lazy bum to take care of.”
“Hey, Dad,” he said, not smiling as he did so. “I came here to talk to Jase and hang out with him.” As he said it, he thought to himself that he would never in a million years ever move back in with his father.
“You know, it’s rude to just show up at other people’s houses unannounced,” his father continued. “You should be giving a little bit of forewarning at least. I raised you better than that.”
“I know, Dad,” Mark replied, not wanting to get into an argument. “I asked Jase. He said it was okay. I wouldn’t just show up here without asking first.”
“It’s true,” his little brother told him, Mark knowing that he was trying to prevent an argument between them. “I was the one who told him he could come over. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, you didn’t ask me,” their father continued, not even glancing Jase’s way. “Does your brother look like he pays the mortgage? You don’t have to give me a fucking attitude about everything.”
He closed his eyes and clenched his fists, taking a deep breath. He wasn’t going to get into an argument about how he didn’t have an attitude. He just wanted to come here to relax, although he should've known he wasn’t going to be able to do much of that with his father around.
“I’m sorry. I’ll ask you next time,” he told his father, almost sarcastically.
There was a long pause after that, his father staring at him as Jase fiddled with his phone. Mark desperately hoped he would go somewhere else. He really didn’t like interacting with his father if he didn’t have to. Out of everyone in his family, he felt like the two of them had the most resistance to each other.
“Please go somewhere else,” he silently begged. “Please, just go somewhere else. Let us have a little time to ourselves.”
He cursed to himself when his father took a seat on the couch, clearly wanting to join them for whatever time he spent here.
“So how have you been, son?” his dad started immediately as he sat down, still pretty much scowling at him. “You never come around anymore. What’s up with that?”
“Oh, I can only wonder why I don’t come here,” Mark couldn’t help but think, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes. “This is what I get for not having real friends.”
“I know,” he answered. “I’ve just been busy with work and stuff.” Not a lie. He did work a lot, lately taking on a lot of overtime. But it wasn’t the main reason he was hardly ever seen out, especially with his dad, hence the ‘and stuff’ he added to the end of his sentence.
“Are you still doing that work from home shit?” he asked. “You need to go out and get a real job, like landscaping or something. Put some weight and muscle on you or something. Cut off that mop of hair you have, too.”
“I doubt landscaping pays twenty dollars an hour, Dad,” Mark replied, using a hand to push hair out of his face as it fell down his shoulders and back. “Besides, I like what I do now, which is sitting at home, taking about five calls a night, and writing my stories while I talk to my friends.”
“Are you still pretending to be a girl online, Mark?” he asked seriously, his frown deepening at the idea of it. Mark mentioned it once a few years ago in passing, and his father never let it go since then.
“It’s not right, son. You shouldn’t be going around lying to people like that. You’re not gay, are you? You shouldn’t be tricking guys into dating you. You could end up being killed that way.”
“I’m not gay,” he asserted irritatedly. “Just because I pretend to be someone else for fun doesn’t make me that thing, Dad. It’s not real life. And I’m certainly not tricking guys into dating me because I don’t like men.”
“If you say so, Mark,” Jase suddenly interjected. “I bet in three years you’ll be bringing home some completely jacked guy as your husband, and I’ll be here to support you when that day comes. That’s what little brothers are for.”
“I sure as hell won’t,” their father asserted grumpily. “I’ll disown you, that’s what, especially if you tell me your transgender. If you’re gonna be gay, at least don’t go around tricking people into liking you. It should be against the law. A complete embarrassment is what they are, all those fucking alphabet people.”
“Well, I’m not one of those ‘alphabet people’,” Mark snapped. “It’s not like you have anything to worry about with me, but it says a lot about you that you would hate me and be embarrassed over something so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. It’s unnatural, that’s what. Makes no sense at all.”
Mark couldn’t help but sigh and close his eyes at that. “I know it makes no sense,” he thought. “I shouldn’t feel how I do, and it hurts that you would hate me for being something that I don’t even want to be.”
“Can we just relax and not argue about shit that doesn’t even matter, please?” he asked after a moment. “I didn’t come here to argue about hypotheticals that you created that don’t even exist. I came here to relax and hang out with Jase and watch ESPN and see who the Cardinals traded for. Can you turn on the TV?”
After that terribly awkward and tense conversation, the rest of his afternoon went well, despite a few more back and forths between him and his father. Talking about sports and politics and movies and whatever else served as a good distraction from himself, especially after what had happened earlier with his house. Sports especially was something he and his father could bond over and not argue seriously about. Before he knew it though, the time for Jase and his father to call it a night drew upon them, and Mark found himself waving goodbye and promising that he would see them again soon.
“That was an okay time,” he decided as he drove home, slightly relieved he was away from the small ache he got being in his childhood home. “Even if…”
Mark had to sigh to himself, gripping the steering wheel harder as he did. That was the crux of his problem. Having to tell other people how he felt. Not that there weren’t other problems. It was all just one big problem, but that was the main thing in his eyes. He couldn’t do anything if he never told anyone else, and telling anyone else was something he firmly decided a long time ago that he would never do.
“Just stop thinking about it,” he grumbled to himself as he drove. “It’s never going to happen, so just stop thinking about it.”
Except it had happened, that very day in fact. He replayed it in his mind as he drove. That feeling of peace, the weight being lifted off his chest- it was unbelievable, so much so that he wished he appreciated it more at the time. The feeling of just being able to stand being in his own body…
He sighed sadly again as he pulled into his driveway and headed inside, flopping down on his bed. “It was probably just a hallucination anyway,” he thought to himself. “It’s not like it was real. Just move past the fact that it’s never going to happen. Stop thinking about it every day. You might feel better if there was just one fucking day you could not think about this.”
He couldn’t help but think about it. In his house, there was a portal to what that girl, Twilight, said was another dimension. One that transformed him into who he wanted to be, even if it was as a horse, and let him feel what it was like to be dysphoria free, if only for a few minutes. Maybe he could...
“No,” he said firmly in his head. “Don’t even entertain the thought. You’re just gonna feel worse when it’s not there. It was a hallucination. It’s not gonna be there. You just have to get over it now.”
It was an impossible task when he had to focus every morning on doing what he could to try and minimize his dysphoria, when basically everyone online knew him as Katrina, when even his inner monologue matched who he felt he should be. Even if he went bald and grew a beard and deleted his online account, the voice in his head would still match the person he wished he was.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions level. Giving in and checking to see if the portal was there was just gonna intensify his feelings when it wasn’t. He’d be basically giving into dysphoria, more than he already did every day, and he knew from past experiences that it wasn’t a wise thing to do. Even still…
“Just a quick check,” he decided as he got up, taking another breath. “Just to force it out of my head.”
Mark’s hand was shaking as he stood in front of the closet door. He was extremely nervous about what would be held behind it, and was conflicted about what it should be. The ideal scenario, the most likely scenario, was for there to be nothing. It would hurt very much to see, but it would at least help him be able to put that thought to an end. Even though it was hard, he was managing his feelings for now. Having that portal be real would make it so, so much more difficult to manage, almost impossible if there was an out right there in his own home.
But would that be so bad? Having a place he could go to where he could not hate himself, where the dysphoria would end, at least for a little while, would be more than he could ever ask for. Even if it were only for a few hours a day, or less, the weight off of his shoulders would be unbelievable. It was unbelievable. And he knew it was something he absolutely wanted to experience again.
He took a few deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm as he gripped the doorknob shakily and pulled the door open. He closed his eyes before he opened it all the way, trying to delay the inevitable, the disappointment he would feel when it wasn’t there, the worry about what would happen if it was there. Keeping his eyes closed kept him safe. Heck, having his closet not contain what he hoped it had was safer than the other outcome. Having the trapdoor be there would bring with it the eventual inevitably of having to confront himself. He knew how he felt, but being forced to confront the root cause of those feelings absolutely terrified him.
He let himself live in safety for a second longer before opening his eyes, his heart beating out of his chest when he saw the faint glinting of the ring on the ground. Several thoughts ran through his head all at once, but these were ignored as he hurriedly pulled the trapdoor open and climbed down the ladder, jumping the last few feet to face the door that changed him. His heart felt like it was beating at a thousand beats a minute as he shivered, his eyes watering as he stared at something that couldn’t possibly be real.
“I can’t go in there,” he thought to himself as he closed his eyes and turned away, clenching his jaw. “I shouldn’t even be entertaining this. It doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m not a girl, even if whatever information that horse had on me said I am. It’s just going to make my dysphoria worse when I have to leave again.”
He glanced back at the door for a moment, his eyes falling on the note. As he read it over again, the wetness in his eyes turned into a few teardrops threatening to fall to the floor. Miss Mark ‘Katrina’ Wiley. Where before it made him blush and his heart flutter, now it made him frustrated at what he wasn’t. He so, so deeply wanted to be what the note read, but knew he couldn’t, even if the portal did change him. Even though he knew why he hated himself so much, walking through that door meant acknowledging it. Even if he already knew what he was, there was no way he could actually admit it, not to himself or anyone else, let alone face it.
It took much more than a little while for Mark to gather the strength to head back up the ladder and out of the closet, unable to stop the tears from running down as he did so. He lay down in bed carefully and, despite his being alone, did his best to not cry too loudly. He tried to breathe and calm himself down as he cried, but wasn’t able to easily, staying upset and frustrated and sad for much longer than he would’ve liked to.
He hated how unfair everything was. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that he had to be so uncomfortable in his own skin, that he had to hate himself because he couldn’t be who he felt he should be. He just wanted the feeling to go away, even though he knew it wouldn’t. It was even more unfair that he had to know it wouldn’t ever leave him. Not without confronting himself anyway, or some other greater miracle taking place.
“Why can’t I just be a normal person?” he thought to himself bitterly, the niceness of his inner monologue not matching with how repulsed he was by practically everything else about him. “I shouldn’t have to feel like this. If I could just let go of this feeling…”
He let himself lay down and cry and be sad for a few hours, sometime around then falling into a dreamless sleep. Before he knew it, he was waking up again, the sadness he felt last night still lingering over him. He didn’t dwell on it though, forcing himself up and going through the motions of his morning routine. Shave, shower, comb his hair- it was all of twenty minutes before he was booting up his laptop and chatting online again.
Several messages immediately grabbed his attention, his friends asking where he was and if he was okay, seeing as he was offline for the entirety of yesterday. Frankly, he had forgotten about them, given the events of last night, and felt bad because of it.
“I’m sorry,” he typed. “I was just taking a personal day. A few things came up. I’m sorry.”
“Awwww, it’s okay Katrina!” he read as the response to his message. “You don’t need to apologize to us! You take all the time you need, girl!”
Normally, seeing a message like that would make him hum happily to himself, but after yesterday, he found himself feeling bad because of it. He sighed to himself as his fingers typed on his keyboard automatically, and before he could stop himself, he was sending out a question.
“Hey, I was wondering, what would you do if a portal to another world suddenly appeared in your home?” Mark asked. “And it changed you into a horse and your sex to the opposite of what you were?”
It was only a few seconds before dozens of replies came in, nearly all of them telling him that they would immediately go through, a girl named Sylvia inquiring further.
“It would depend,” she responded. “If I was cis, I wouldn’t, but if I was trans, I would go in the first chance I got. That sounds like the most amazing thing ever! Are you trans?”
He practically flinched at the question as his fingers hovered above the keyboard, trying to figure out he should respond. He hated that he was asked that, the question being even worse online than it was in real life. At least in real life where he was known as Mark, he could just say no. That was much harder to do in the place where he was known as Katrina, a much more difficult question to answer, especially since he never wanted to admit the answer.
After several long seconds of deliberation, he quickly closed the laptop and set it aside, deciding he’d rather ignore her question and hope she would forget than give her a yes or no response. Not that she probably didn’t already know because of his question. If she didn’t, she’d have no trouble figuring it out from his lack of response. It was another person learning something about him much more quickly than he learned himself.
“If I were trans, I would go in, she said,” Mark thought to himself as he placed his head against his pillow to sort out his thoughts. “I already knew that though. Going in again basically confirms that I am. If I do, I won’t be able to take that action back…”
Who was he kidding? Certainly not himself. He already knew what he was. Acting like going through that portal would change anything about himself was ridiculous. The fact that he was even debating it in his head was proof enough.
“I hate this so, so much,” he whispered to himself as he turned over, looking out his bedroom door and into his hallway, the closet that called his name only a few steps away.
Was there any way he could go through that portal and not have to acknowledge what he was? It was a world to another dimension as that horse had said. Wanting to go back through it was something completely natural, not a sign of anything more. Anyone else in his position, regardless of who they turned into, would have already gone back through without even thinking about it. What made him any different, besides the obvious?
“It doesn’t mean anything if I do,” he said to himself, though not getting up from his bed yet. “It’s a door to another world. There are a hundred million other reasons for why I would want to go back, being a girl being the least of them. It doesn’t mean anything.”
He continued to stare, the door still calling his name, so powerfully that he imagined hearing it in real life. He closed his eyes and listened for a moment before suddenly snapping them open. That wasn’t his imagination. Someone was actually calling for him.
“Katrina!” someone called out from below, now forcing Mark to his feet. “Where are you? I need help! Please, Katrina!”
He only hesitated for a moment at the prospect of going back down before shaking his head clear, not wasting any more time. It was only a few moments before he was heading down the ladder, having to dodge someone at its base lying on their stomach on the floor.
“Oh, thank you so much!” the girl exclaimed as she looked up at him, a voice Mark recognized as the pony he met yesterday, Twilight Sparkle. “I fell down while trying to get up that ladder and I’m having trouble getting back up, and… you’re not Katrina, are you?” she asked.
Mark opened his mouth to answer, but no words came out. He had no idea how he should respond to that, and so decided not to after a moment of consideration. Silently, he swooped down to pick the girl up, placing her arm around his neck to support her.
“Um, I- it would be better if you could get Katrina, sir,” Twilight told him, wincing as she and Mark moved. “I know you’re helping me right now, but I need to get back behind that door, and like the sign says, it’s not for public use. Only she and I are allowed to go through it. You understand, right?”
As much as he wanted to comment on it, he refrained, taking a deep breath as he pulled the door open. He pushed away the knowledge that she would see just who he was when he went through, focusing on getting her to the door.
“You really shouldn’t go through there,” Twilight explained seriously, stopping for a moment as she looked right at him. “I know you’re helping me, and I appreciate it, but it’s really not meant for anyone but Katrina.” She said it, but even as she did, she didn’t try to do anything that could directly stop him, not that she could.
“I can find somepony- err, someone- to help me once I get through that door,” she continued, wincing a bit in pain.
Mark let out a breath at those words. “Don’t think about it,” he told himself as he pressed forward, feeling ready to have a heart attack at what she would think of him in a second. “What I change into doesn’t mean anything.”
With that, he stepped through the door and changed.
“You… you are Katrina,” Twilight observed as Mark turned his head away, shutting his eyes tightly and grimacing. He couldn’t help but be ashamed by that revelation. He felt like he was lying to her, both right now when he was able to be himself and a second ago when she thought he was someone else.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. “But wait, you didn’t look female on that side. Is there something wrong with the worldgate? I’ll have to take a look and see what-”
“Nothing’s wrong with it…” he interrupted, practically whispering, keeping his head turned. “I… I’ve always looked like that…”
Even as anxious and awful and awkward as he felt telling her that, he still felt the relief he got yesterday wash over him once again. This time though, he stopped to focus on it and appreciate it, his chest tightening as he did so. He knew what he was doing, and what it meant. He knew the acknowledgment of how nice it felt for the dysphoria to be gone was opening a door that could never be closed. Still though, as much as he knew it was wrong for him, he wanted to embrace the feeling. It was one he’d thus far experienced only twice in his life.
“Huh?” Twilight asked, tilting her head, curious. “Human females don’t look like that as far as I remember, at least not in the mirror version of Equestria. Do you have some sort of genetic condition?”
“I…”
“You’re already here,” he told himself. “She already saw. There’s no reason not to tell her. Just say it.”
He felt his hooves shaking at the prospect of saying it out loud. As dumb as he knew it was, he somehow felt like if he didn’t say it, there was still a chance it might not actually be true.
“Just do it. Get it over with. You’ll feel a little bit better if you just say it. Stop being a coward.”
“I…” he started, his head turned away, the emotion almost, but not quite, overtaking him. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he finished quickly. “I’m sorry.”
She glanced down at his cutie mark for a second and blinked before shaking her head, saying, “Well it’s very interesting to hear that a worldgate would be able to change your appearance based on the perception you have of yourself. I’ll have to write that down for my notes.”
“How can this be real?” he asked himself, nearly letting the tears slip through just from the fact that his outer and inner voices matched. “This is so amazing and unbelievable.”
He wished he appreciated it yesterday. It was just as unbelievable a feeling then as it was now, yet he barely acknowledged it. He should’ve done more to appreciate it, and yet he didn’t.
“Not like you’re doing very much to appreciate it now. You still can’t even bring yourself to say what you know is true even while you actively enjoy this feeling. How pathetic is that?”
“I know you’re not from Equestria, Katrina, but can you help carry me to Ponyville General?” Twilight asked, interrupting his thoughts. “I definitely twisted my ankle at the very least, maybe even something worse. I might have bruised my tail, too. I can show you where the hospital is at. I would teleport there, but using magic while you're injured increases the time you need to heal.”
There was no reason he couldn’t. He worked overnight, and was already awake much earlier than usual. It was another full day to do whatever he wanted, and what he wanted right then was to take advantage of how nice he felt. It made his ears flatten in embarrassment to think about though as he rubbed one hoof behind the other.
“Um, sure,” he replied, a bit of shyness in his voice as he bent down to offer her his shoulder to latch on to. “Uh, what were you doing in my house?”
“Well, you left so suddenly yesterday, I got concerned about having overloaded you with questions,” she said, giving a sort of sheepish grin as she leaned on him. “I’ve, uh, been known to go overboard with things like that before. I just wanted to apologize. It’s probably a bit weird to have someone use a get to know you spell on you.”
“Um, yeah, it’s…” he trailed off as they walked, letting Twilight control the direction as they carefully walked down the stairs. “I’d rather not have someone know everything about me.”
“Sorry. I understand that. I would like to be your friend though. I mean, I’ve never been friends with another human before, not one from anywhere besides the mirror world. Plus, you seem like a nice mare… err, girl. Oh! Would you be willing to let me interview you while we walk? I’d love to learn more about you and what your life is like.”
“Sure, but can I ask first how you even know who the heck I am?” he asked, deciding not to comment on being called a girl. “If what you said before about this being another dimension is true, how would you ever be able to send me a PM about a freaking teleporter being built in my house?”
“I’m not sure what a PM is, but sending a message is easy! All I needed was your name! Princess Celestia has a small mirror that lets us view other worlds, so all I had to do was wait for you to write it down.”
“That seems a little bit stalkerish,” Mark commented, not that Twilight really listened. “And if you knew what I looked like, why were you surprised when…” He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by the question he asked.
“For some reason, when we were scanning through, it never really let us get a good look at you. Mostly, it just showed us your logs on that message sending program. We were never really able to get a good look at your face, or much of you at all for that matter. It was actually one of the factors that led to me using that get to know you spell, and partly why we wanted to use your home. It was just so strange to see in contrast to every creature else.”
“Okay, I lied. That’s very stalkerish.”
Twilight shrugged as best she could while leaning on him. “I don’t really see how, but okay. Anyway, why do you talk on that messaging program so much? I watched you for a few weeks and it looked like you hardly ever left your home.”
“Well, that’s where most of my friends are,” he told her. “I mean, sure, I don’t know what most of them look like, or what they even sound like, but they’re still my friends, and I like hanging out with them.”
“So wait, have you never seen any of those creatures you say are your friends?”
“No, but I still say they're my friends. I mean, I talk to them every day. Online is a place where you can make friends with complete strangers that you would’ve never been able to meet in real life. It’s very nice.”
“Not to mention, I can just be myself for a little while,” he couldn’t help but silently add.
“Huh, now there’s a thought. A way to make friends with people you wouldn’t be able to meet face to face…” she trailed off thoughtfully. “I assume part of the reason you don’t meet ponies face to face is because you’re a masculine looking female where you’re from?”
He physically cringed at that comment, so much so that Twilight almost tripped over her hooves, wincing in pain as she barely kept herself upright.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but can we please not talk about that?” Mark asked, his voice cracking with a bit of desperation entering it. “I really don’t want to have to think about that right now…”
“I’m sorry,” the unicorn apologized. “I didn’t mean to be inconsiderate.” She glanced down at his flank again for a moment, noting the colors of the flag that was on it. “I was just wondering if you-”
“Twilight!” Spike suddenly called out of nowhere, the dragon running up to them. “You’re finally back! Are you okay?”
“Well, I could be better,” she responded. “I might have hurt myself while going through the worldgate, but luckily Katrina was there to help me out. She’s taking me to Ponyville General now to see the doctor.”
Mark smiled shyly at her words, picking up his hoof to give a little wave to the dragon and nearly falling on his face before catching himself. “The casserole tasted very good,” he told him kindly.
“Thank you, ma’am,” he replied, giving a little bow, Mark smiling even wider at the pronouns being used for him. He knew he shouldn’t have been entertaining this at all. It was just going to make his dysphoria worse when he had to go back. He couldn’t help though the niceness he got from being seen as he wanted to be.
“It was meant for my friend Rarity, but I’m glad somepony enjoyed it. Twilight can tell you I’m the best chef in all of Ponyville.”
“It’s true,” she said. “He’s the best. Anyway, do you have any hobbies, Katrina?”
He gratefully accepted the subject change, letting her ask questions about himself as she directed him on where to go, Spike deciding to accompany them. Before long, the three of them were outside in the sun, walking down the road into a small town. There were quite a few other horses, ponies he remembered, out and about, doing whatever it was they did all day. He would’ve thought it was very cute to see had he not become nervous by the sight of all of them.
“What’s wrong, Katrina?” Twilight asked, feeling him tense up.
“I- I don’t like being around a lot of people,” he admitted as the two continued their slow way through town. “I don’t like people looking at me…”
“You look fine,” she assured him. “Just like a normal mare. Nopony’s gonna look at you, at least not more than they would anypony else.”
“I… I feel like they will…” he responded, starting to become a bit breathless.
“You look exactly like any other mare, Katrina,” Spike said. “I mean, I can’t see a difference between you and anypony else, except for Rarity. I don’t know what you’re so concerned about.”
He accepted their words, but couldn’t help but shake slightly as they walked. He couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of someone seeing him and figuring out he wasn’t what he looked like. He imagined someone coming up to him and calling him out for pretending to be a girl when he knew he wasn’t. All he got though was happy waves and smiles as he passed through, much to his relief.
“A normal mare though, she said,” he thought to himself as they walked. “Not a normal girl. I’m pretending to be a mare. Almost, but not quite there.” Despite the nice feeling he had, that comment made it feel a little bit like he was only roleplaying as who he wanted to be. Still, if this was as close as he was going to get, he decided he would take it over the other options he had, for now at least.
A few minutes later, they were walking into the building that both Twilight and Spike assured him was Ponyville General, despite its relatively nondescript appearance. It only took a moment for the ponies to see her limp and bruised appearance and rush up to her. They quickly took her and ushered her ahead to be examined, leaving Mark and Spike alone to find a seat in the waiting room.
“Hey, Katrina,” Spike said as they sat down. “I gotta ask, what’s up with you?”
“What do you mean?” Mark responded, tilting his head a bit as he tried to position his flank in the chair correctly. It was another thing that made him feel like he was roleplaying: the discomfort he got from having a tail and hooves.
“I mean, I know you’re from another world and all,” the dragon explained, “but you’re acting all shy and stuff. You’re looking around like somepony’s gonna make fun of you or something. What’s going on?”
“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing,” he lied, quietly blushing to himself as he looked away.
Spike looked at him silently for a moment before asking, “You’re not in love with Twilight, are you? Cause that would be waaaay too weird.”
“No, I’m not in love with Twilight. I’m just…” How could he put it? He didn’t want to out himself, and if he could help it, he didn’t want to lie. It was a tough spot, and he took more than a moment to think of what to say.
“I’m just… not used to feeling this nice about myself,” he admitted, doing his best to remain vague as his ears flattened in embarrassment. “I mean…. I just… I don’t feel disgusted with who I am. It’s unusual is all.”
“Huh. Is this about your name?” he asked. “I can call you Mark if you want me to. It’s not a problem.”
“I- no. You don’t have to do that,” he said, his blush growing. “I… I like the name Katrina better…” By the time he finished talking, his voice was a whisper.
“Okay, if you say so, Katrina. Hey, I’m gonna go run to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” With that, he left Mark sitting alone.
He couldn’t help but think about how nice he felt right then as he sat in the waiting room. It was amazing to walk out in public and feel like himself, even if he worried about what other people saw when they looked at him. It felt too good, and he used his hooves to hug himself as he sat, hoping the feeling wouldn’t end.
He didn’t know why, but he found himself thinking that soon the dysphoria would start to creep back up on him, that the feeling of well being would dissipate and replace itself with the hate he usually felt for himself. “It’s only a matter of time,” his brain told him. “If you stay here long enough, the feeling will start to come back again. Then what will you do?” He had no answer to that.
“Ma’am?” someone called, Mark instinctively looking up and feeling embarrassed when he realized he did. “The hospital staff and I just wanted to thank you for helping to bring Twilight in,” one of the nurses said, one with a white coat and a red cross on her flank. “If she walked here by herself, she might have hurt herself more. Thank you for helping her.”
“It’s no trouble,” he replied quickly, looking more at the ground than the pony. “Is she gonna be okay?”
“It looks like she’s gonna be fine, but it could’ve been much worse,” the nurse replied sweetly. “She will need a few days of rest though to heal up. Luckily she has friends like you to help her where she’ll need it. Can I ask how she got hurt like that though?”
“Oh, well, um…” He didn’t know how much he should tell her, considering that Twilight tried to make it clear that she didn’t want someone else to know about the teleporter.
“She said she fell down when she was climbing up a ladder. I found her on the floor a few minutes later and helped her get here. We were in the library when it happened.”
“Oh, yeah, that’ll do it, and it sounds just like her. Probably working on some experiment when it happened, right? It’s definitely a good thing you helped her get here. Walking all the way here from her castle would’ve definitely caused problems. It’s a very good thing you did for her, ma’am.”
“It’s no trouble,” he told her again, doing his best to not smile. “I was just trying to help.”
“What’s your name?” the nurse asked. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. I know most of the ponies here in Ponyville.”
“Katrina,” he answered before realizing what he’d done. “Um, I mean it’s…”
The nurse raised an eyebrow expectantly as his heart started to beat faster. He had no idea what he should do. On one hand, the people here had already attached the name Katrina to him, even when he said his name was Mark. Not to mention, it felt very nice to be called that and made his chest fill with happy butterflies when he was. On the other, it would be a blatant acknowledgment to himself of what he was, which, despite how nice he felt, was still the last thing he wanted to do. It would be another step down a very terrifying road, one he still wasn’t sure he was ready to go down. He knew he really shouldn’t have been entertaining this at all.
“It’s…” He trailed off quietly, closing his eyes for a moment to force the words out. “It’s Katrina,” he answered shyly, turning his head away but pointing his eyes up at her anyway. He couldn’t help but wonder if she would see right through him. He wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
“Well, you’re a very nice lady for doing this, Katrina,” the nurse told him kindly. “It’s always nice to see mares like you out in the world. Thank you again.”
“You’re welcome,” he smiled bashfully, enjoying the euphoria that welled up inside of him, giving a little wave as she turned around to head somewhere else. He guessed he could call himself Katrina while he was here. It wouldn’t do any harm.
Katrina stayed where he was, viewing the scenery of the town out of a window in the waiting room until Twilight and Spike came back. The mare had what looked like a boot on her back hoof and some sort of cast on her front leg that kept it suspended in the air as she hobbled toward him. It was a sight to see, he had to admit, and he found himself glad that he helped her despite his reluctance to head through the portal.
“It feels and looks worse than it is,” Twilight commented as she approached. “Doctor Horse said I should be back on my hooves with a few days of rest. I should be fine.”
“If you say so,” Katrina and Spike both responded doubtfully, neither really believing her as the former glanced over to her again. “What are you gonna do until then?” Katrina asked, somehow keeping himself from laughing at the idea of a horse named Doctor Horse.
“Well, it’s a good thing today’s Friday, otherwise I don’t know what I would do,” she told him. “But the students at my school can skip a day of classes while I rest. Besides, it gives me more time to plan new material and catch up on some of the reading I’ve been missing out on! I’ve been waiting to read A Brief History of Interdimensional Travel: Volume Four for a while now.”
“I will admit, that sounds like quite the book,” he replied, his tone having a bit of joking sarcasm in it. “Ah, did you need my help getting back to your castle, or, like, helping you around and stuff the next few days?”
“I’m not looking for a reason to stay here longer,” he told himself. “I’m just helping her because if I hadn’t run away, she probably wouldn’t have fallen off that ladder. It’s not about anything else.”
Well, maybe it was partly the fact that he greatly enjoyed how he felt, but that was more a side benefit than it was an actual reason to stay here. Even if he did know how badly it would hurt when he had to change back again...
“I’m gonna have my friends help me this weekend,” she explained, getting a glare from the dragon before she added, “And my number one assistant, Spike. I actually sent them each a letter asking that they meet me at my castle. But if you could help me walk there again, that’d be great. I’m sure they’d love to meet you.”
“Um, sure. No trouble. I think I know how to get there.” He let her lean on his shoulder as the three of them walked back, Katrina still carefully watching the ponies he saw to make sure they weren’t looking his way or pointing him out.
“Hey, I was wondering,” he asked as the trio of them walked. “What’s going to happen to my house?”
“What do you mean?” Twilight responded casually.
“Well, I was thinking about this eminent domain business,” he continued, “and I was just wondering, is my house going to be taken away from me at some point?”
“Huh? Oh, no, not at all,” she assured him. “Well, there’s a small chance of that, but it’s quite unlikely. If that were the case, however, you’d get a notice months in advance. But that likelihood is low enough that you shouldn’t be worried about it. We’re talking about a less than one percent chance.”
“I’m sure that’s the same odds I’d have of having a portal to another world built into my house,” he couldn’t help but think. “Or being born and having to feel the way I do about myself.”
“So then why build it in my house?”
“That’s so we can see what humans are like and how to proceed with interacting with Earth. And honestly, it’s better to have it somewhere private so that way we don’t have a mass migration of people to Equestria or vice versa. Legally speaking, we’re not set up to just let anypony through. You yourself are considered a guest to Equestria, but that’s not something Princess Celestia can bestow to a million ponies all entering at once. Better to handle one creature at a time for now.”
“Oh, okay.” He didn’t really understand what she said or think of it as much of an explanation, but decided to just leave it be for now. With as nice as he felt about himself being in this world, he decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to ruin it thinking about whatever legal things this side was doing. Katrina would enjoy his time for now and worry about what might happen in the future later.
Eventually, without any incident, the three of them made it back to the castle, walking back into the library where several other ponies now were.
“Oh my word! You look dreadful, Twilight, dear!” one of them said in a british sounding accent, rushing up to them and pushing Katrina out of the way. He stumbled back and painfully stepped on his tail as she said. “What in the world happened to you?”
“Just a little accident,” she explained, waving a hoof dismissively then wincing as a result. “I was just poking around with that worldgate I was working on. Turns out though there’s a lot more to it than just walking through a door, and I hurt myself in the process.”
Katrina couldn’t help but smile at that. For him, it was just as simple as walking through a door. Although he guessed for him it was complicated in other ways, namely his flank and tail and his lack of hands and acknowledgments creeping up on him that he didn’t want to have to make. Regardless, he decided to keep his comments to himself.
“What was it?” another pony asked, one with a bright blue coat and rainbow colored mane, flying around in the air quickly as she did so. “Some creature trying to break into Equestria and take over, right? Where are they? I wanna fight them!”
“Nothing like that, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight giggled. “I fell down a ladder.”
“Oh. Well, that’s not nearly as exciting,” she said disappointedly, settling herself back on the ground. “How did you fall down a ladder?”
“It was just me being clumsy,” she admitted, displaying a bit of embarrassment. “Turns out I wasn’t as prepared for being changed into a human as I should’ve been. Luckily Katrina here was there to help me out and get me to Ponyville General.”
Suddenly, all eyes in the room were on him, and he found himself taking a step back, yelping as he stepped on his tail again. He really didn’t like having people look at him, even if it would’ve been for a different reason now. While before it was the feeling that someone would point him out and realize just how horrible he looked, now it was that someone would point him out and accuse him of not being what his body currently showed. Still, being anxious about being called out was a million times better than the weight of dysphoria he carried on the other side.
“Yer a mighty fine mare for helpin’ our friend out, miss,” someone said in a country accent, making their way up to him. “The name’s Applejack, but y’all can call me AJ.”
“I’m Katrina,” he responded in kind, feeling both very shy and very self conscious. “And, um, it was no trouble.” He held out a hoof to shake, but only fell down on his stomach as a result, giving an annoyed grunt.
“Aw, nonsense,” she told him as she helped him back up. “Anypony who’s willin’ ta go out of their way like that ta help somepony else is a friend of mine.”
“Especially somepony I’ve never met before like you!” another pony suddenly jumped in, a pink one with a very curly mane. “I mean, once I saw you, I just knew I had to throw a party for you because I’ve never seen you before, and if I haven’t seen you before then that must mean you’re new to Ponyville and if you are new then you probably haven’t had a chance to make friends with anypony and if my name is Pinkie Pie I could never let a pony go without-”
“That’s fine,” he interrupted, cutting her off before he lost track of what she was saying. “I don’t- you don’t need to throw me a party. I mean, all I did was help walk Twilight to the hospital. It wasn’t anything spectacular.”
“Oh, this isn’t the kind of party you’d want to pass on,” Rainbow Dash told him. “Pinkie Pie’s parties are a can’t miss event. It’s not something you can just not show up to.”
“I- I wouldn’t even have anything to wear…” Katrina said, doing his best to try and get out of it. “I mean, I- I can’t go to a party without an outfit, right?” he asked hopefully. He felt sick just thinking about going to a place where so many people would be looking at him, especially a party thrown for him specifically.
“Oh, well I’m sure you have something, dear,” someone else jumped in, the white unicorn with brilliant purple hair. “Not that it’s necessary for this sort of event, but surely you have a dress of some kind in your closet, right? Even one?”
Katrina shook his head, somehow embarrassed that he couldn’t say he did. He could somehow feel Twilight moving in to comment, and gave her a look that told her to refrain from doing so.
“Oh, now that just won’t do,” the white unicorn told him. “A mare can’t go without at least one dress in her closet. What would you say to me sewing a nice dress for you, Miss Katrina? It’s what you deserve after that heroic deed today.”
“Ah, I d-don’t… umm…” he got out shyly, trying not to smile at the idea.
“It’s what Rarity does,” Rainbow Dash jumped in. “She even made one for me, and while I don’t really like dresses, I have to admit, it is pretty cool.”
“I- I don’t…” he stuttered, unable to keep himself from smiling happily with glee at the thought. “Y-you don’t h-have to do that if you don’t w-want to…” He enjoyed the idea of having a dress made for him, but even more than that was the fact that she offered in the first place. It was incredibly uplifting to know that they saw him as he wanted to be, as he was right then.
“I mean, I wasn’t- I barely even did anything… you… really don’t have to…”
“Oh, think nothing of it at all, dear,” Rarity assured him with a smile. “It would be my pleasure. In fact, I do believe I know the perfect color scheme! A nice, dark green dress with a bright yellow collar would contrast well against your purple coat and golden mane. Think of it as my gift to you.”
“This is… this is… a little bit overwhelming,” Katrina said, taking deep breaths as he took a step backward. “You’re- this is way too nice of you. I really don’t deserve all of this…”
“Well, of course, you do, dear,” Rarity told him, taking a few steps closer to him. “A nice young lady like you? Of course, you deserve nice things.”
“Breathe,” Katrina told himself as he closed his eyes, emotion starting to well up inside of him. “Don’t cry. I don’t want to cry in front of these people. Just take a minute to breathe.”
“Thank you all,” he said after a few moments of silence to collect himself. “It was very nice to meet all of you, and I appreciate you wanting to do nice things for me. I, uh, I have to go now though…” he told them, as much as he loathed saying it. “I’ll try and check in on you later Twilight, okay?”
“I’ll be here,” she said as she glanced into his eyes for a moment before looking away. “Oh! And next time you’re here, remind me to tell you about that compensation you’re supposed to receive. It’s best to get that out of the way sooner rather than later.”
“I’ll remember that,” he assured her. “I do have to go now though. I…” He closed his eyes again for a moment, taking a breath before saying, “I would really love to come back though, if that’s okay.”
It was the understatement of a lifetime. He couldn’t imagine a scenario where he wouldn’t want to come back. But he didn’t want to get emotional in front of all these people, and needed some time to collect his thoughts as well. Not to mention, he did have friends on the other side that he enjoyed, too, even if being there physically hurt him.
“But I do have to go now,” he continued, swallowing. “I’ll see you all later.”
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie cheered. “See ya later, Katrina! I’ll make sure to throw you the best party ever!”
“I’ll also make sure to have that dress in your hooves the next time I see you,” Rarity told him. “You can count on it being absolutely lovely on you, that much is certain.”
“I- okay,” he quickly agreed, smiling widely once again at the thought of it as his heart swelled. “Thank you,” he said, carefully lifting up a hoof to wave goodbye. “You’re all very nice. Thank you.”
Katrina flinched as he stepped through the portal again and felt the dysphoria immediately make itself known. He decided not to waste any time thinking about the fact that he was forced to be Mark once again, doing his best to ignore the repulsion that quickly built back up. He tried to ride the wave of good feeling he got from that side as he climbed the ladder and retook his position on the bed. It was impossible to do though. The feeling quickly faded, and all he was left with was the dysphoria and the thought that he once again didn’t appreciate his time enough.
“Life is so unfair…” he thought as he stared ahead for a moment, not bearing to listen to his voice. It was a long moment before he shook his head clear and opened his laptop up again. He decided that since that portal existed, he would do his very best to not waste time sulking on this side. If he was going to be doing something he knew was wrong for him, he would at least avoid wasting time.
The very first thing he saw was a PM from that girl he spoke to earlier that morning, Sylvia. He felt the anxiety well up again, not wanting to click on it. He felt like he knew exactly what it was going to say, and had no idea how he would respond to it. Somehow though, he found the resolve to see what she had sent to him.
“I’m sorry,” the message read. “I didn’t mean to question you so publicly like that. I was just curious. You don’t have to respond to me if you don’t want to, but if you feel comfortable, I’d love to know. I’m trans, too, just so you know.”
His anxiety seemed to intensify. She already knew what he was. That much was obvious to him by the simple inclusion of the word ‘too’ in her message. He didn’t know why she was even asking. It seemed silly.
“I’m…” he typed out, feeling like he was about to have a heart attack. He couldn’t do it. Even as bad as he felt, he couldn’t do it. Once he opened the door, it would never be closed again.
He closed his eyes and felt his heartbeat get faster as he took a breath. All he had to do was type three words. Three little words, and that was it. They were the three biggest words of his life. He knew they belonged to him and rang true even if he never wanted to say them. How could he? They were a confirmation of how unfair life was and an acknowledgment that the feeling he had would never go away on its own. Saying those words made what was only probably true definitely true.
“It’s already true,” he told himself. “Just admit to yourself what you are. You can’t keep going on like this. Don’t you like how nice it feels to be yourself? Don’t you want to change?”
He took another breath before opening his eyes again. He wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to do what was a second away, but decided that it should be done before he could stop himself.
“Yes, I’m trans,” Katrina typed, sending the message then closing her laptop before she could see the response. She shivered and felt her heart beating out of her chest as she got up to pace around her bedroom. She knew she threw the door wide open with that message.
“It was a door that was already opened,” she told herself as she paced. “It’s not like you just realized you were dysphoric yesterday… Oh, why the heck did I do that? This was such a bad idea. I shouldn’t be entertaining this at all.”
As weird as it was, while she knew it wasn’t something she should be acknowledging, she thought it felt rather nice to tell herself. She didn’t understand why though. Saying it meant admitting that she was broken and had to fix herself, a terrifying prospect that she wasn’t even sure was possible. Still, it somehow gave her a strange sense of comfort.
She took nearly half an hour to pace around and dwell on what she just did, what she promised before she would never admit to anyone. Eventually though, she calmed down enough to sit back down and take a look to see if anything was sent to her in response.
“Awww, it’s okay,” Sylvia’s message read. “I know just how hard it is to say. I’m here for you. If you ever need to talk about anything, feel free to tell me, okay?”
“Okay, thank you, but please don’t tell anyone else,” Katrina typed back. “I can barely admit it to myself. I don’t want anyone else to know.”
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. How long ago did you figure out you were a girl? Did it happen recently?”
That message made her smile. She couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at the idea that she suddenly woke up one day and realized she was a girl. That would’ve been quite the experience.
A second later, she looked down at herself and frowned. Even though she knew she wanted to be one, she wasn’t a girl. She might have been able to finally just barely admit to herself that she was trans, but she couldn’t see how the body she was in could possibly belong to a female with how grotesquely masculine it looked.
“No,” she explained. “I’ve known for several years now, except today was the first time I’ve ever told someone else, or myself for that matter…”
“Well it’s very brave of you to do,” Sylvia told her. “I know your pain and just how hard it is to admit to yourself. It’s a very big step to take, but you should be proud that you have the strength to do so. You’re a very wonderful woman and deserve nothing but good things in your life.”
Katrina wanted to reply that she wasn’t. If she was a woman, there would be no dysphoria for her to feel everyday, no repulsion when she looked at herself. The fact that she felt those things was proof enough of what she wasn’t, that much was certain.
She wasn’t brave either. If she was brave, she would’ve done this years ago and would probably have been somewhere completely different in her life. She wouldn’t have wasted over a quarter of a century hating herself and done something about it if she really were brave. Even now admitting to herself that she was trans, she was probably going to waste more time convincing herself to stay where she was because of how terrifying it was.
She didn’t say those things though, instead offering a simple thanks before closing her laptop again.
“That… was something…” she whispered to herself as she looked at nothing in particular. She thought before about what this moment might feel like, many times imagining that tears would flow. Right now though, she felt mostly awkward, mixed in with a little bit of fear. Maybe a dash of happiness was there, too? It was an interesting mix of emotions, that much she knew.
Something that was completely unexpected to her was her sudden desire to talk about it. For the better part of ten years, she had absolutely no desire to discuss it or think about it, not with friends or family or doctors or anyone. But now she felt the strong urge to open up about herself, one she never had before, and it felt very strange.
“So that’s that then,” Katrina said quietly, doing her best not to flinch at how her voice sounded. “I guess I’m out now.” She knew it was foolish, but somehow, she expected that the second she came out, her dysphoria would end. It was a silly thought though, and she wasn’t the least bit surprised when that didn’t happen. Her body felt to her the same as it always did, the only difference now being that she was acknowledging why.
For the third time she opened up her laptop, this time to put on that old Green Day song she liked, Waiting. She closed her eyes and let it play on repeat, listening and imagining it was a song written specifically for her. “No one can touch me now; and I can’t turn my back. It’s too late, ready or not at all,” the song said, Katrina sinking into her bed as she listened. That was true, wasn’t it? She couldn’t take back what she said, and even if she did, it wouldn’t make it any less true. It was too late, whether or not she was ready for it.
She spent the next while chatting with her friends, letting the feeling of her acknowledgment sink over her. As she did, she silently wondered what would come next. Hopefully nothing soon, seeing as she nearly had a heart attack just telling a stranger online what she was. But eventually something, right? It wouldn’t make much sense to do nothing, would it? Even as well as it went with Sylvia though, the thought of telling her family made her want to hyperventilate.
“No,” she firmly decided. “I’m not doing anything in real life, not ever. I’m never coming out in real life. That’s just going to be a big mess if I do. I can live with managing dysphoria on this side and enjoy my time on that side, unless…”
She gasped suddenly as an idea came to her, one she was surprised she hadn’t thought of earlier. That pony, Twilight, said she made a portal to another dimension. If she could do that, it should be a piece of cake for her to turn her into what she wanted to be, no doubt.
“And then I would still have to tell everyone I’m trans…” Katrina thought, closing her eyes and grimacing. As hard or as easy as everything else would be, she absolutely didn’t want to do that. As much as she wanted it, even as nicely as it went with Sylvia, she would rather do anything else than come out. Her eyes started to water at just the thought of having to tell her father who she was.
“This is so unfair,” she whispered sadly as she rubbed her eyes dry, looking at the time. Eight-thirty. She would have to go to work in a few minutes anyway, which might actually be a good thing. It would give her both time to think and time to sleep on it to see how she felt. She didn’t think she’d feel any differently, but it would delay the inevitable anyway.
The night seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye, and before she knew it, she was waking up in the afternoon again, her laptop showing another message from Sylvia. She was both nervous as to what it would reveal and happy that she would have a chance to talk about herself again and wasted no time in opening it up.
“Hey, I was just wondering,” it read, “are you planning on transitioning? Cause if you are, I can find you some doctors in your area.”
Katrina paused at that, having no idea what to say, but her fingers spoke for her anyway.
“I have no idea. I’m… it’s hard. I know what I want to be, but I don’t want to have to say what I want to be to people. I don’t think I’m ever going to come out in real life. It’s just… too hard.”
“I understand that way too well,” she read in response. “I felt the exact same way two years ago. I told myself I would never come out to anyone. But eventually, I was able to build up the courage, and now I feel much better than I’ve ever been.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever have that courage,” she typed. “It’s just… I know I’ll never be who I want to be, and even if I was somehow, I still don’t know if I’d have the courage.”
That wasn’t entirely true. She was who she wanted to be on the other side, partly anyway. But all of her friends, family, coworkers, they would never see her as she was on this side no matter how nice she looked. Even if the letter said she could move to somewhere on that side, Equestria, she couldn’t just walk out of her friends and family’s lives forever. Not to mention, she was still sure that if she spent long enough on that side, the dysphoria would come back. Then where would she be?
A moment later, she read from Sylvia, “I think you can be who you want to be. I know you probably don’t believe me, and I don’t know what you look like, but I think you’d be a very beautiful girl. You can be who you want to be if you believe in yourself, or have someone else believe in you if you can’t.”
Katrina sighed at that and looked at herself. There was no way she would ever be who she wanted to be without some sort of magic involved, or a miracle. It just wasn’t going to happen, no matter how much she believed in herself. The best she could hope for was to roleplay as the pony version of herself.
“There’s no way I’ll look like anything else other than someone ugly and masculine. At best, I’ll look like a man pretending to be a woman…” She put a hand on her face as she sent the message, pushing back the tears. “I hate this so much…” she added as she cried a little bit.
“I think you can do it,” Sylvia told her again. “I really do. It’s gonna take time and it’s gonna be very awkward, but you can do it. If I can change, anyone can change.”
“I don’t think you’re gonna change my mind,” Katrina replied, the tears slipping out. “I just… I look so terrible. I’m not gonna look like anything but someone who’s pretending…”
“I’m not trying to change your mind,” Sylvia apologized. “I just want you to know that the option is there, if you want it. I believe in you though and think you can be who you want to be. You’re a very wonderful woman.”
“I understand,” Katrina replied. “Thank you though. I have to go now.”
“It’s okay. You do whatever you have to do. I want you to remember though that you’re a very nice lady. It’s very wonderful to see you take time out of your day every day to chat with us and ask us how we are. I know there are certainly days when you don’t want to, and it’s very lovely that you do anyway. I think so at least.”
She sighed to herself and turned away at that. She talked about it like she felt she wanted to, but she wasn’t happy because of it. If anything, it made her feel worse. She could only wish that the things Sylvia told her were true, or hope for a little magic.
“I need to go see Twilight,” she decided as she got up and used an arm to wipe away her tears.
It was the third time Katrina stepped through the portal, and for the third time, she felt the dysphoria melt away, much to her relief. She found herself thinking that this time it wouldn’t for some reason and held her breath as she stepped through, releasing it once the expected happened. It helped to ease her mind about her recent confession and gave her a bit of a confidence boost.
She didn’t want to waste her time today and quickly made her way into the library, where she found Twilight sitting by herself reading a book, her leg still casted up. The mare looked up and waved to her with a free hoof, then made a motion directing Katrina to her.
“Hey, I was just working on your compensation,” she told her happily as she pushed the book aside. “I know I’m not the Royal Authority of Equestria, err, not on their council, but Princess Celestia trusts me to determine what fair compensation would be.”
“Oh, I- I don’t need anything,” Katrina told her. It was the truth, too. As nice as she felt about herself right now, she didn’t need anything else, except for a lot of things that Twilight probably couldn’t offer her. Speaking of which…
“Um, I actually do have a question though,” she started quietly, feeling very nervous.
“Well we can’t just give you zero compensation,” Twilight ignored her. “But if you don’t want anything right now, we can set up a bank account in your name. It looks like the average cost of a home where you live is a hundred and seventy-seven thousand bits if I understand well enough. It’s nearly thirty times the average price of an Equestrian home, but I’m sure Princess Celestia will approve it if I send it to her.”
“That- that is way too much,” she tried to argue. “I didn’t buy my house for that much, and- and even if I did, I really don’t need anything…”
“Well then consider it a gift,” the mare told her happily. “A lifetime supply of bits for use of your home to test out the worldgate. But Equestrian law does say we have to give you fair market value. Anyway, what were you going to ask me?”
“Umm…” she trailed off, getting shy again. She hated so much having to do this. She didn’t even know if she was doing the right thing. Sure the dysphoria was gone now, but if she changed herself and the dysphoria came back, then… she couldn’t bear to think about that.
Even more so was having to tell Twilight the reason why. Sure, she came out to Sylvia yesterday, but that wasn’t real. Not as real as this. As much as she wanted to change, she greatly despised the idea of having to tell people her secrets.
“Just ask,” Katrina told herself. “She already knows how badly you look on that side. If she can make a portal to another dimension, then she can make you look how you want. If you don’t like it, she can probably just change you back anyway…” Not that she wouldn’t like it. She knew she’d love every second of it, except for the part where she’d have to tell her family.
“I was wondering if…” she started quietly, trailing off for a second. “Was there any way you could make me look like a female on that side?” As she asked it, she looked away for a second before forcing herself to make eye contact with Twilight. “I mean, you said there was magic to make a portal to another dimension, so I was just thinking that maybe…?”
“I don’t believe so,” the unicorn told her seriously, causing her to frown. “Teleportation magic is much, much easier than transformation magic, especially something as complicated as permanently changing your physical appearance. As far as I understand, normally what might happen is somepony would go into a clinic that specializes in this kind of magic week to week to change much more gradually, over the course of several months or even a few years. At least, that’s what I remember from what I read. I know there are a lot of safety issues with transformation magic if it’s being done artificially, that much is certain.”
“But... that teleporter, a worldgate you called it? That was able to change me instantly, and I don’t feel sick or anything. How come that was able to?”
“I’m not sure about that,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “That was one of the issues we had when designing an artificial worldgate. We didn’t know if creating one artificially would also transform some creature artificially and what kind of effect it would have. If I had to guess though, I wouldn’t say it’s the worldgate specifically that’s changing you, but rather the travel through the worldgate. We only really designed it to move from one point to another in space, which makes me think it would be natural magic during the trip that’s changing you as you cross. It would explain why you and I had clothes on Earth but none on this side, which is what natural worldgates do, too.”
“Oh,” Katrina responded simply, not really getting it but sighing in disappointment anyway at the basic gist of what she was saying. “I understand.” It was probably for the best anyway, she decided. Even if it were possible and it went completely smoothly, it wouldn’t just be as easy as that. There would be so much to do, and even if she could, her brain still told her that the dysphoria would come back. Not to mention having to tell people. As much as she wanted to change, it just wasn’t going to happen.
“Do you have a restroom I could use?” she suddenly asked, mostly just trying to change the subject. “I mean, obviously you do, but where is it at?”
“Down the hall from here, straight back,” Twilight said, Katrina nodding in response and hurrying away, moving as carefully as she could so as not to step on her tail or trip over her hooves. She should’ve known the answer would be no. She felt completely embarrassed that she even asked about it at all. As nice as the change was, it was too much to hope for that she’d be able to do anything, even if she was completely sure of herself that she wanted to.
She stepped into the restroom and, before she had time to enter the stall, caught sight of herself in the mirror and gasped. She knew she felt much nicer than she did before, but she was utterly shocked by just how amazing she thought she looked. For a moment, she couldn’t believe she was actually looking at herself. Even as a pony, she looked so much better than she ever looked in her whole life. It was an unbelievable feeling to be able to look in the mirror and actually like who she saw. She might not have been human, but it was so much better than anything she could ever hope to be on Earth. She put a hoof up to her mouth as she stared at herself, and before she could stop herself, the tears started to flow.
“This cannot be me,” she silently said as she cried, now unable to look away. “There’s no way I look this nice.” It felt like she was seeing herself for the first time, and even if it was as a pony, the feeling was unbelievable.
She shivered and let the tears drip down, turning her body from left to right to admire herself. A purple coat and a bright golden mane with dazzling brown eyes, seeing it made her wonder if she would ever be able to match something similar on Earth. She had the hair down already, nearly as long as her mother’s, and the eyes. Maybe, but…
It was a thought that made her shiver for a second in front of the mirror. She looked almost, but not quite, like herself. This was what she wanted to be on Earth as a human, and was something that would never happen. Being a pony was nice, but she wasn’t a pony. It took away her dysphoria to be who she was now, but it still wasn’t enough. She wasn’t herself. She was only roleplaying as herself, and it hurt her to think about.
She stood still and continued to look herself over, so long that she was suddenly jumping in surprise at Twilight’s hoof touching her shoulder.
“What are you doing?” the mare asked, confused. “Is something wrong?”
“I… I look nice,” she responded, still distracted by herself, her eyes a bit red. “I’ve never in my life thought I looked this nice before.”
Twilight nodded silently, looking at Katrina’s reflection along with her for a quiet minute. She let her have a few moments before finally speaking.
“I know you said you don’t want to discuss it, but I’m curious,” she started. “Are you a transgender female?”
She only nodded, looking away from the mirror shamefully for a moment, like she did something wrong. “I’ve been waiting a lifetime for this moment to come,” she said, turning back to the girl in the mirror. “It’s unbelievable, and I’m not even…”
She closed her eyes and let out a breath, the tears dripping down again. She shivered to herself before opening them again and going back to looking at her reflection, putting a hoof on the mirror.
“I want to be this on that side, too, but I can't,” she whispered.
“Why can’t you?” Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow, curious. “I'm sorry about there being very little I can do, but as far as I understand, Earth has more in the way of technology than Equestria does. Does Earth not have something that can fix you?”
“Yeah, I mean… there are pills and stuff that can make me look a little better, but I still would look absolutely horrible,” Katrina sniffed, stiffening and feeling a little embarrassed by how factually Twilight was speaking. “You saw how awful I looked. It’s bad, and I know that I’m never gonna be who I want…”
“And even if I did,” she silently added, “I would have to tell people that this is what I want, and that’s never going to happen.”
“I’m sure whatever you can do couldn’t be worse than what I saw of you before,” Twilight replied thoughtlessly, taking a moment to realize what she said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that you were-”
“I understand. I know I look completely fucking horrible and masculine and ugly right now, but it’s not going to happen,” she replied, a bit more forcefully. “It’d be different if there was magic to help me, but the only magic I can use turns me into a pony on this side and gives me hooves and a tail. It’s not gonna help with that side if it just changes me back when I step through again.” She closed her eyes tightly in bitterness as she said, “Why couldn’t it have just turned me into a human girl on this side? I could just move here and have everything I ever wanted…”
“I’m sure there’s something though,” she pressed. “Maybe you could-”
“It doesn’t matter! It’s not gonna ever be me!” she suddenly interrupted in a frustrated tone. “The best I’ll ever be is an ugly man who’s pretending! That’s how my dad’s gonna see me at least.” She was clearly getting more upset, however, Twilight pressed on anyway.
“Excuse me if this comes off as ignorant, but wouldn’t something at all be better than nothing? I would assume that if you hate the way you look that much you would want to-”
“It’s easy to assume what someone else should do when you’re not the one who has to make the decision! I have to live with whatever I am! My life just gets a thousand times harder if I try to fix myself, and even then it might not be worth it! I want it so badly, but… it just… I hate my life and I hate having to deal with this!”
It might be worth it if it ended her dysphoria on that side, but her mind still told her that it would come back even if she did transition. She felt like she would be risking her whole life to only be part of what she wanted to be.
She shivered again, going back to crying, no longer enjoying the niceness she had now and instead getting caught up in what she couldn’t have. This was why she didn’t want to acknowledge how she felt. If she didn’t acknowledge it, she wouldn’t have to think about these things. It might still hurt- no, it would definitely still hurt. It would be absolutely brutal like it was every single day of her life- but at least she could pretend there was nothing she could do about it. As unbelievable as she felt about herself right now, she couldn’t help but hate that she had to go through that portal.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said softly. “I can’t even begin to imagine how horrible it must be to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. But I have to ask, would the risk of your life being more difficult be worth it for the chance to be able to be yourself?”
She didn’t know. She absolutely didn’t. At least if she knew it wasn’t, she could flat out say so and be done with it and just try to manage her dysphoria. But not knowing, that was what made it hard. Knowing how amazing it was to be able to be herself was what made it hard. She wished she had the answer.
“I don’t want to keep talking about this,” she finally told the unicorn, letting out another shiver. “Please, just leave me alone right now.”
“I’m sorry, I won’t bring it up again. But I will be here if you want to talk.”
Katrina didn’t respond, only sniffling as she tried to go back to staring at her reflection. As she turned though, she stepped on her tail for what felt like the hundredth time and fell down, a move that caused her to sob.
It was several minutes after Twilight left before Katrina came back out, her eyes very red and her nose running a little bit. Twilight felt bad and a bit guilty at the sight of her, and wanted to do something to cheer her up.
“What do you say we go visit Rarity and see if she has your dress done yet?” the mare asked, giving her a wide, happy smile. “I bet it’s very close to being done.”
There was a moment of hesitation before Katrina whispered, “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for it. I don’t think she could finish a dress in a day anyway.” She almost said she wanted to, but decided that, even as nice as it would be to try on, it would just make her feel worse.
“Oh, you don’t know Rarity then,” Twilight laughed lightly. “Once she puts her mind to something, she gets it done. I’ve seen her finish a whole collection of dresses inside a week. One dress would be a piece of cake for her.”
She shook her head silently, hanging it low as she closed her eyes. “I’m fine,” she told her quietly.
“Awwww, come on,” the mare pressed. “Don’t you want to see how nice it would look on you? Knowing Rarity, I bet it’d look amazing. Plus, I’m sure if you wanted to, you could fold it up and take it with you to Earth.”
She flinched and grimaced at that and turned away, looking like she was ready to start crying again. She shook her head quickly and remained silent, letting that be her answer.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said quickly before asking, “What if we just went to the park? It’s a nice day outside and the one in Ponyville is very lovely.” When Katrina didn’t answer immediately, she added, “I would need some help walking there, if that’s okay with you.”
There were several moments of silence before she gave a tiny nod, giving the pony an okay in a voice that was barely audible.
It took a few minutes for Katrina to gather herself before Twilight leaned on her for support. She knew the unicorn didn’t really need it, but let her anyway as they walked out of the library and out of the castle. It gave her a reason to go with her and something to concentrate on anyway, besides tumbling over her hooves and what she would never be.
The sun was shining brightly in the early afternoon sky as the two walked, traveling slowly as Twilight directed them to a quiet looking park. There was a small playground in front of them where Katrina saw a couple of children playing and a few mares and stallions sitting on benches chatting with each other. Twilight picked one under the shade of a tree for them to sit at and enjoy the warm air.
“You’re right,” Katrina said as they sat down, her ears twitching at the sound of the birds above them. “This is a very pretty spot. Thank you.”
“Oh, you don’t need to thank me,” Twilight responded graciously. “It's one of my favorite spots in Ponyville. I come here to sit and read when I need to get out of the castle.”
“That sounds very nice,” she replied back simply before the two went to sit in silence, enjoying the day. She closed her eyes and took a breath, taking in the sweet smelling air before going back to looking at her surroundings.
As much as she hated it, the desire to talk about herself felt like it was coming up again, and she didn’t know why. Talking about herself hurt, that much was obvious, but yet the feeling was there. She didn’t understand it at all, and somehow felt a bit ashamed because of it.
“I'm sorry for yelling at you…” she whispered softly, staring straight ahead as she said it. “I didn’t mean to. It’s just, all of this… it hurts so much…”
“It’s okay,” Twilight replied. “I understand. I can’t say I have empathy, but I do have sympathy. I didn’t mean to press either way. I’m sorry.”
Katrina let out a breath, pausing for a moment before telling her, “I- if I could not be trans, I wouldn’t be. If there was a button that said I could be a cis girl, I would press it in a second. Heck, I might even press one that turned me into a cis guy. I don’t want to be this way.”
“Do you think ponies think you want to? It sounds awful. Also, by cis, I assume you mean cisgendered?”
“Yes, cis means cisgender.” She sighed, continuing, “I don’t know though what people would think of me, but I’d say probably. They’d probably say I’m doing this for fun or something. I know for a fact my dad would if I told him that I’m trans. I know how he would feel.”
“I’m sure he would understand if it’s your father. I can’t imagine how he wouldn’t.”
“He wouldn’t. He’d probably tell me I need to get my head examined or something. Actually, he said he’d disown me if I turned out to be trans. As much as I can’t stand him, he’s still my dad, and I can’t just not love him, even if I know he’d just… abandon me.”
“I’m sure your family is kinder than you give them credit for. In my experience, most creatures are much more accepting than they first appear, especially after they understand a pony’s situation. It’s not the kind of thing I’ve known anypony to make a big deal about. I’m sure humans are the same way from what I’ve studied about them.”
“I guess in general, but being trans isn’t the same as telling someone you like a different sports team.”
“I know,” Twilight said softly as she put a hoof on Katrina’s shoulder. “I’m not saying it is. I’m sorry.”
She sighed and continued, “Even if it was that easy and I knew he’d be perfectly accepting, I still probably wouldn’t come out anyway. I mean, I can barely come out to myself as it is, even being dysphoric for the last probably over fifteen years.”
“You told me though, didn’t you?” Twilight asked her encouragingly. “That’s a start, isn’t it?”
“It’s not the same. All you ever saw me as was a girl, except for like two minutes when you came to Earth. It’s easier to say how I feel when you already see me as I want to be. I can’t just go up to my family and say, ‘Hey, you know that son you had for the last twenty-six years? Turns out he actually wants to be a woman.’” She couldn’t help but flinch slightly at her own words.
As she spoke her voice cracked, her eyes getting wet again. Twilight wrapped her good hoof completely around Katrina as she closed her eyes, rubbing her back comfortingly.
“This isn’t fair,” she whispered. “This shouldn’t be happening to me. Being trans is supposed to be something other people have to deal with, like a distant relative or the friend of a friend or something. I hate that I’m so repulsed by myself. I can’t stand this feeling at all! I just want to be myself…”
“Hey, now, it’s okay to want to be yourself,” Twilight tried to tell her, still rubbing her back. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I know, but why do I want to be this?” she asked, a question she asked herself silently for years. She somehow hoped that asking it out loud would make her suddenly snap back to reality and take away how she felt, but wasn’t surprised when nothing changed.
“I shouldn’t want this, but I just- I want this so badly, and I don’t know why! Why am I like this? This shouldn’t be happening…”
“I know,” Twilight told her softly. “I know. Nopony deserves to feel so bad. It’s not fair to you at all.”
She cried for a minute before she wiped her tears away and continued, “That’s the hardest part. Even if something at all is better than nothing, I can’t- I wouldn’t ever be able to bring myself to come out. I just- I won’t ever be able to do it. Just thinking about it makes me want to have a heart attack.” She paused for a second before adding, “I guess it doesn’t really matter here, since what I am is just stamped right there on my butt.”
“I’m sure you’ll be able to come out when you’re ready,” Twilight told her kindly. “You’re a very strong pony for being able to keep on pushing for so long. I can’t know how it feels, but I’m not sure I’d be able to do it.”
“You’re welcome, ma’am,” Twilight said happily, earning a tiny smile from her. “Also, I’m almost certain no one knows what your cutie mark means, except maybe Rarity or Rainbow Dash, but even they’re not a given. Honestly, I didn’t even notice right away. It took until you flinched when I asked you that question yesterday for me to realize. I thought it was just another cutie mark. But anyway, I doubt anypony would care though even if they did know, least of all my friends. I can’t imagine somepony caring about something like that.”
“I don’t know what a cutie mark is. I mean, I obviously know you’re referring to my butt, but what does that phrase mean?”
“A cutie mark is a symbol of your special talent. It’s what you’re meant to do in life, whether it’s studying magic or building houses or singing songs or something else altogether.”
“Well I can’t possibly see how being trans would be a special talent. If it is, then that’s the worst special talent in the whole world.” She couldn’t help but feel like that portal was mocking her by making her display to all what she was.
“It’s not going to mean that,” Twilight explained. “It could mean anything. Maybe you’re a scientist who helps other transgender ponies with dysphoria, or a writer who writes fiction about what it feels like, or maybe you just help other ponies with accepting themselves. I mean, the possibilities are endless.”
“Well, that last one is just silly. I can barely accept myself for who I am, and I’ve known for years.” As she said it though, she silently thought about the inordinate amount of gender-swapping stories she’d written, feeling embarrassed that the portal she stepped through could tell that about her. She decided to keep that thought to herself, continuing with the conversation.
“But, um, do… do you think anyone’s gonna point it out?” she asked nervously, her heartbeat getting faster at just the thought of it. “I really don’t want anyone to know. They’re gonna look at me differently if they do.”
“I think that’s very unlikely,” Twilight assured her, “but I don’t think they’ll ask either. The others probably don’t know and Rarity isn’t really the type. Rainbow might, but she’s not going to make a big deal out of it or anything. Actually, on second thought, she might not even care enough to ask. But even if she did, I’m sure she wouldn’t just do it publicly. She hangs around those kinds of ponies a lot. I think the acronym she used was BGLQT? I’d need to look at my notes.”
Katrina cringed internally at herself when she heard that. It felt very strange and a bit uncomfortable to think to herself that she was a part of the LGBTQ community. It made sense of course, but it wasn’t something she ever applied to herself or even realized until that moment.
She sighed in relief at Twilight’s answer though. Twilight didn’t seem like one to lie from what she could tell. It made her feel better to hear her say that no one here would care what she was. She still didn’t want people to know, but should it come out on this side, it wouldn’t be something she had to work through or deal with too much. It was much better than what might happen on the other side of the portal, that was for certain.
“I know you indicated it before, but I have to ask. Do people on Earth really care about those kinds of things?”
“Yes, very much,” she said with a sigh. “To put it bluntly, being trans, it’s something people kill themselves over.” Twilight took a surprised breath at that statement, flinching as she continued, “It’s already such an uphill battle dealing with yourself, but when you have to face things like being hated for who you are or being discriminated against or being disowned by your family and ostracized by your friends, or worse, it… it makes it almost impossible to live with.”
“That’s- I can’t imagine anything like that happening in Equestria. That’s horrible.”
“It’s hard, but it’s getting better. It’s not like that everywhere. Even where I live in Kansas, it’s not… it’s not as bad as other places. But it’s still hard. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I were living forty years ago.”
“I’m so sorry,” Twilight replied sympathetically. “That sounds absolutely terrible. I’ve never heard once about anything like that happening here. I can’t even imagine it.”
Katrina sighed sadly. “It is what it is. Just another reason to hate this feeling.”
“You know, part of the rules for eminent domain are that you’re able to receive relocation to another part of Equestria. You could find a place to live here if you wanted to. I’d even let you stay with me in my castle if you wanted to while you searched. It would be no trouble at all.”
“I can’t,” she said automatically. “Even as relieving as it is to be here, as much as I don’t miss being weighed down by who I am, as much as I don’t miss having to deal with people, I- I can’t just abandon my friends. Even if I don’t know what they look like, I can’t just drop out of their lives. Not to mention, my family…” As she said it, she turned to scowl in frustration at her rear, wiggling her flank to reposition her tail.
She sighed and continued, “I just want to be myself. It’s unbelievable how I feel right now. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it is to feel this way after years of hating myself, years of dysphoria, but…”
“But?” Twilight asked softly, looking into her eyes.
“But the person I am… it’s not a pony. I know I’m sounding selfish asking for more than this, especially with how close I am. If this is the very best I can have, I’ll absolutely positively take it. But I just… being a pony makes me uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as I am having to be a man since I can express myself better here, but still. I don’t like having hooves or a tail or a snout. I want who I am to exist on that side, too, as a human. Who I am can only exist over there. And I don’t know if it ever will.”
The two ponies sat quietly for a while, Twilight eventually asking Katrina about her family and her life and Katrina doing her best to move on from the conversation that took place. Even being a pony, it was almost unreal how normal she felt, a concept that was completely foreign to her. She had to wonder if cis people felt like this all the time, always had the sense of wellbeing she had.
“Thank you for spending time with me, Twilight,” Katrina finally said as the two stood up an hour or two later. “It was very lovely. I appreciate it.” As weird and as painful as it was, she thought she felt better after having told the mare about herself.
“No trouble,” the unicorn replied kindly, leaning on her for support. “There’s still a lot of time before sunset. Wanna head over to see Rarity about that dress now?”
“Um, I- I have to get back soon,” she blushed, looking away. “I- I have to go to work.” She looked up for a moment to see Twilight silently staring at her and continued, “But um, I can stop by for a few minutes really quick.” She smiled shyly and looked at her hooves as she said it.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Twilight told her. “You can just go home now if you want to. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“I… I do want to,” she explained softly. “I’m just worried that someone’s going to see right through me. And um, I’ve never… tried on a dress before.” It wasn’t exactly the truth, being about fifteen years old the last time she had, but it was true enough, she decided.
“Well as I always say, there’s a first time for everything,” Twilight responded. “But we don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable. I just thought it might make you feel happy to do.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just a little bit overwhelming right now. But thank you. Can I get it another day? L-like tomorrow?”
Katrina felt like she was going to die of embarrassment asking that question. She was absolutely expecting Twilight to be confused and ask why a boy would want to try on a dress. As wonderful as she felt and as nice as she looked, she was still waiting for the moment to come when someone would see her and point at her and call her out on being a male.
“Of course. I don’t think either she or I have anything planned. Are you going to be here in the afternoon again?” Katrina nodded, and Twilight continued, “Let me put that on my planner. I’ll let Rarity know, too.”
“Th-thank you,” she responded, trying to hide her smile. “Um, you- you don’t see me as a male, do you?” Katrina asked as she looked away again. “B-because I came out to you? I keep feeling like you or someone else is going to come up to me and call me out.”
“No one is going to call you out, Katrina,” Twilight assured her. “You look like any other mare, I promise.”
“Okay, I trust you,” she decided. “Thank you.”
With that, the two of them left, returning to the castle. Katrina went to the door that would take her back to Earth, but before she went in, turned around to address Twilight.
“I- I just wanted to tell you thank you again,” she said, somehow not blushing or even feeling embarrassed. “It did hurt to talk about, but I feel a lot, lot better right now. I think that made me more confident in myself. Seeing how I looked in the mirror was… very nice, even if it was as a pony. Thank you.”
“Aw, it’s no trouble,” the mare replied kindly. “That’s what friends are for.”
She turned to leave again but once again stopped herself, asking, “Why are you being so nice to me?”
The mare raised an eyebrow at that. “What do you mean?” she asked back.
“I mean you don’t even know who I am, and yet you’re treating me like your best friend. I don’t understand it.”
Twilight now added a little tilt of her head to her expression, asking, “I am?”
“People on Earth don’t treat people they just met this kindly,” Katrina explained. “I've only been here a few times and yet you’re listening to me explain what’s basically my deepest secrets and trying to help me through them. I mean, I appreciate it, but I don’t understand why.”
She could only shrug, answering, “You looked like you needed somepony to listen. I didn’t mean to be pushy if that’s what you’re saying.”
“I get that, but like… why? Why do you care about me?”
“I’d listen to anypony who looked and felt so down about themselves,” she responded. “I am the Princess of Friendship after all and run a school based around teaching ponies about friendship. It wouldn’t make much sense if I didn’t set out to do the same thing. Not to mention, you are legally a guest here in Equestria, so that makes it doubly important to leave a lasting good impression.”
“Oh, I see,” Katrina said thoughtfully as she let it roll around her head. “Thank you. It means a lot.”
“Plus, I think you’ve been a very nice pony to my friends and I as well, so I can only return the kindness, can’t I?” Twilight added, giving her a wide smile.
At that, Katrina did blush, giving a smile and a wave before finally setting off through the door again, changing back into her normal human form. She sighed in bitter frustration at herself as she changed, able to once again feel everything that was wrong with her. However, she did her best to ignore it, thinking about her day with Twilight and how she was able to come out to her. Sure, she basically already knew, but Katrina was actually able to nod her head and confirm for her that she was trans. She said to Sylvia that very morning that she thought she would never have the courage to do it, and somehow she was just getting back from doing that very thing. It was unbelievable.
“Heck, this is so strange,” she thought to herself as she smiled and flopped onto her bed. “This shouldn’t be making me so happy. I only told her what I already know.”
It took her a minute of laying in bed thinking about it to realize what it was, and the realization made her blush again and smile widely. It was the fact that she was able to actually say who she was, as silly as she thought it was. Being able to not only admit to herself that she was trans but say it out loud; that was a very wonderful feeling. It was amazing to be able to physically say out loud the things she kept bottled up inside for years on end. It gave her more of that relief that she wanted, and made her smile as weird as it was. She didn’t want to be trans, but being able to admit that she was made her extremely happy.
She had to tell someone about it, and before she knew it, she was messaging Sylvia with her news.
“I just came out to my friend as trans,” she typed happily, “and she was so nice to me! She offered me a dress!”
It was a true enough message, she decided. A second later, she was reading the reply from Sylvia.
“Awwww, that’s so sweet of her! I knew you could do it! You’re a very wonderful lady.”
Katrina closed her eyes after reading that message and let the wave of euphoria wash over her. It was so, so unbelievable to be able to say aloud and talk about with people, so much so that she had to wonder why she spent so much time not even wanting to acknowledge it. It was amazing that she was able to both start to feel like herself and talk about herself. She found herself wishing she’d started doing this five or ten years ago.
“I told her I would get it tomorrow,” she messaged, “but on second thought, I think I want to get it right now.”
“If you can,” Sylvia told her, “you go get it and I’ll wait here for you and you tell me what it’s like.”
She didn’t need to be told twice, quickly shutting her device and making her way back down the ladder into the library closet, surprising Twilight.
“Oh, did you forget something?” she asked curiously as she tilted her head, looking a bit confused.
She was still smiling widely as she stood in front of her and covered her mouth with a hoof in embarrassment as she did. “Um, I was just, um,” she got out shyly. “I just wanted to see if I could still get that dress today, please.”
Twilight smiled widely back at her, and it wasn’t any time at all before the two found themselves walking into Rarity’s Carousel Boutique. While there were a few other items around the store, Katrina noticed that it was mostly different styles of dresses on display. She thought they all looked very nice, and got a wave of both anxiety and excitement from the fact that she was here for one of those specifically.
“Oh, hello Twilight, Katrina,” Rarity greeted them as she made her way up to the two. “I see a certain alicorn has told you about my dress making skills,” she smiled. “I actually just finished it up a few minutes ago if you can believe it.”
Katrina couldn’t help but smile at that as Twilight said, “She didn’t believe me when I told her that you’d have it finished in a day.”
“I spent all night working on it,” Rarity told them, “and I must say, it looks absolutely stunning. If you’d follow me to the dressing room?”
Katrina tried to drown her nervousness as she followed both of them. Before she knew it, a dress was being pushed in front of her, one that looked exactly like Rarity described she would make yesterday. A dark green dress with a bright yellow collar, except this came with the addition of purple flowers, roses she thought, one that made the dress look even more lovely. She found herself almost jealous looking at it for a moment before she remembered who it was supposed to be for.
“The ladies’ dressing room is right behind you,” Rarity told her, pointing a hoof in the direction she should go. “There are mirrors in there for you to get a good view of all angles it looks on you, not that it’s needed. I’m sure you’ll love it, darling.”
She didn’t comment as she picked the hanger up with her mouth, looking around to see if anyone was watching her before hurrying in. Her heart felt like it was going to explode with nervousness, but she was still smiling and gave a shiver at how nice she was being treated. It was just a dress she tried to tell herself, but it didn’t help. She couldn’t drown out her excitement and happiness.
She took a breath as she closed her eyes and slipped into the thing, having only a little bit of trouble before using a hoof to smooth it out. A second later, she opened her eyes again and let out a small gasp.
“Oh my gosh,” she whispered as she saw herself, the dress fitting on her perfectly. It wasn’t overly complicated as she expected it to be; in fact, it was rather simple. It had long sleeves for her front legs and went down to almost the floor on her back legs. She turned slightly to get a view from the side, and noticed when she did, it shimmered a bit in the light. It ruffled a bit on the end, and felt quite nice against her fur, feeling like it was made out of the finest material. It looked absolutely stunning, and once again, she almost didn’t realize that the girl in the mirror wearing it was her.
“Come on out, dear,” Rarity called, making her blush. “We’d like to see how it looks on you.”
She did as she was requested, her face feeling hot and her heart pounding as she did, waiting for accusations that she shouldn’t be wearing it. They never came, instead seeing Rarity clap her hooves in delight and Twilight smile kindly as she presented herself.
“Come on, darling, give us a little spin, okay?”
She did as she was told, doing her best to spin around in a circle. However, as she did, she quickly got her hooves tangled up under her and fell to the ground, landing on her face. She couldn’t help but be irritated by her lack of coordination, one of the things she disliked about being a pony.
“Well, that might have ruined the moment,” she scowled frustratedly as she lay there for a second. “This would be about ten times better if I were a human.” It made her sigh a bit to think that the only thing she’d ever be was the pony version of herself.
“Oh, nonsense, it looks quite splendid on you,” Rarity commented as she helped her up. “Does everything feel right? The material isn’t too rough? Nothing’s digging into you, is it?”
“Mmm hmm,” Katrina nodded. “It looks and feels perfect.” As she said it, she smiled again, looking down to take in the colors and fabric of the dress on her. “It’s absolutely amazing,” she continued, closing her eyes for a moment. “Thank you.”
“Oh, no need to thank me, darling,” Rarity said graciously. “Every mare deserves a dress in my opinion. If no one else is there to deliver, then I shall. Think nothing of it.”
She couldn’t think nothing of it, taking a breath as she stood in front of them, turning back to the mirror for another look. She had to agree with Rarity: she looked absolutely amazing. It was so unbelievable, almost like this had to be a dream. It almost made a few tears drip down her cheek when she remembered that this was real life for her.
“Well, almost,” she thought to herself. “It’s almost real… if only I were a human…” She closed her eyes for a second and did her best to force that thought out of her head, wanting to enjoy the moment for what it was and not ruin it thinking about what it wasn’t.
“Thank you so much,” she said again happily, this time in a whisper as she took herself in, still hoping for a little bit more.
Katrina hummed to herself happily as she and Twilight walked back, keeping her new dress on the whole time, admiring the colors as she walked.
“My dress,” she thought to herself with a smile. “This is my dress. It was made for me because I’m a girl.” It was a silly thought, but one that made her happy regardless. She felt so happy that the people here saw her as she was for the first time.
“Remember to take it off before you step through, Katrina,” Twilight instructed when the two of them got back to her castle. “I’m not sure the worldgate will process that you’re bringing that through with you if you don’t.”
“Okay, I understand,” she replied as the mare helped her slip out of it, setting it on her back to carry it through. Before she left though, she made her way up to Twilight and wrapped her hooves around her. The alicorn was surprised by the move, but accepted her offer anyway, hugging her tightly.
“Thank you so much,” Katrina told her as she placed her neck to the mare’s. “Being here- it’s absolutely amazing. Even though it’s as a pony, I’m having the time of my life just being able to feel like myself for the first time in my life. Thank you so much for all of this.”
“It’s no trouble at all,” Twilight replied gently. “I’m glad you’re enjoying your time here. I was worried that the person whose home we picked to build the worldgate at would be upset or angry. I’m glad to see you so happy.”
“Thank you so, so much,” Katrina replied again, hugging her for a few seconds more before letting go and turning around to head back to Earth. “I’ll be back tomorrow, and probably every day from now on,” she said as she waved a hoof before stepping through the door back into the closet. She took a breath and let the nice feeling wash over herself before once again going through the portal, changing back into her old self.
She did her best to avoid looking at her body as she held the dress up to inspect it, noticing that it looked just as nice on this side as it did in Equestria. It felt just as nice and silky and still shimmered in the light as she examined it. It was still very lovely, and luckily had changed to a shape more suited for a human than a pony now.
“This is my dress,” she whispered happily as she held it up. “I actually own a dress. It belongs to me. Oh my gosh, this is amazing.”
She smiled happily at the thought, imagining how nice it would be to one day go out in public and be able to wear it. She could see herself getting compliments on it already, made all the better that it wouldn’t even be someone else’s clothes she would have to wear. This was her dress.
Before she could stop herself, she was in the bathroom, quickly switching out of her old clothes and into the dress, seeing how it looked on her in the mirror. It took her all of one second however to realize that that was a mistake.
“This looks so bad on me,” she frowned, feeling like the niceness of the dress contrasted greatly against her grotesque body. Shoulders too wide, hips too narrow, a face that didn’t match the dress at all. Seeing it on her made her look that much worse and highlighted even more what she hated about herself. It looked so nice on her in Equestria, but here…
Before she could help herself, she was crying again, sitting on the bathroom floor with her head in her hands. It was something she would never be on this side, no matter how much she tried. Her body was too ugly and mangled to ever be changed, the dress she wore being proof of that.
She needed to stop going through that portal. She knew after the first time she went through that it wouldn’t help her and would only make her feel worse, and now she had proof. Even as much relief as it provided, it was only intensifying her feelings when she was forced to step into her body again. It humored her with what she could be, and then took it away from her each time she came back. If she could only be a human on that side, it would be so much easier for her.
She leaned against the bathtub as she cried, letting the feeling of the fabric against her skin start to soothe her. It was still a very nice dress, and she tried to hang on to the niceness that she got when she thought about how it belonged to her. It still meant that she was a girl, otherwise Rarity wouldn’t have gone out of her way to sew her one, would she?
“Except I’m a completely deformed and disfigured looking one,” she thought painfully. “I’m absolutely hideous and am ruining her gift with my body. I look like a monster in it.”
She looked up in the mirror and caught a glimpse of her long blonde hair and brown eyes, probably the only things that she kept between here and there. It was definitely the only thing she could say she didn’t completely hate about herself. She couldn’t help but imagine that maybe something could be done that would turn her into what she wanted to be. She could almost maybe see it. Of course, it was something that was never going to happen because she was never going to give in on staying hidden in real life.
“God, I’m being so fucking selfish,” she said aloud to herself as she cried, feeling the pain that hearing her voice brought. “I have almost exactly what I want on that side and I’m still so concerned about what I am over here. Why can’t I just accept what I can’t have and be satisfied with coming close?”
She closed her eyes as she continued to cry. It wasn’t fair for her to be so broken. It wasn’t fair that she had to know exactly what was wrong with her and have nothing that she could do about it.
“There is something you can do about it,” she reminded herself. “You’re just being a coward. Are you really going to let the fact that you have to explain who you are to a few people stop you? Are you really going to convince yourself that nothing is better than something at all?”
As nice as it felt to say who she was and talk about with other people, she wasn’t ever going to come out on Earth, not in real life. She already had something after all. It was a place through a trapdoor in her closet. She could use that as a break from reality as she managed her dysphoria for…
“For the rest of my life I guess…” she whispered quietly as she wiped her eyes and stood up, carefully removing her dress and hanging it up in her closet. “I should be happy that I at least have a place where it melts away, even if it’s uncomfortable being a pony, even if it feels like roleplaying. I’m better off than most other people.”
With that thought, Katrina hopped into bed and let the night pass, concentrating on working and talking to her friends and other things, doing her best to not think about herself. At one point, Sylvia asked her about the dress, to which her only reply was that she didn’t want to talk about it.
Before long, she was waking up in the afternoon again, the urge to immediately head to Equestria strong. However, unlike before, this time she managed to keep herself in place, resisting the urge. As lovely as the feeling was, going through that portal was bad for her and would only make her feel worse again when she came back through. She was managing herself just fine before it appeared, and maybe she could start managing again.
She didn’t do anything for the first couple of hours of the afternoon, mostly just staring up at her ceiling as she lay in bed, forcing herself to not get up to go through. Eventually, to try to distract herself, she opened up her laptop, seeing a message from Sylvia at the top of her list of notifications.
“I wanted to tell you this yesterday,” Katrina read, “but I didn’t think you were in the mood to hear it. But I want to say that I know how you feel. Acknowledging yourself, it’s gonna make the dysphoria worse. You’re going to start to see the little things that are wrong with you, and the more you see, the more it’ll hurt and the more you’ll want to change it.”
That was probably the truest thing she’d ever heard. She told herself nearly exactly that when she first willingly changed herself. She knew it was opening a door that wouldn’t be closed, and she did it anyway. It was her own fault she felt so bad right then. She knew it would hurt, and she did it anyway, even if it was partially to help Twilight get back through to her side. She should’ve known better.
“I think the height of my dysphoria came just after I bought my first dress. It was as though suddenly every little thing became noticeable wearing it. I was on the fence before about it, thinking that maybe I could manage, but after that, I decided that I wasn’t going to keep living my life as I was. It took time, but eventually, I got the strength to come out, and now here I am. I’m much better off now than I was back then.”
Katrina couldn’t help but sigh at that, sending back, “It’ll never be me. I look so bad, but even if I transition, I’m still going to be ugly. It doesn’t help that I waited too long to say it and am way too old now. And even if I weren’t… I just can’t do it. I want to feel better, but I can’t do it.”
Once again, she had to think to herself that as nice as it felt to come out, it was something she could never do in real life. Even if she were guaranteed to be something other than what she was, it was something she would never ever do. She couldn’t.
“I doubt you’re older than me,” Sylvia replied. “I started transitioning when I was thirty-six. I might not look the best, but you have to take what you can get, as hard as it is to accept. It might not have everything I’ve wanted, but I feel much better than I ever have in my whole life. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt.”
It was the very same thing Twilight told her, roughly anyway, except it felt more true coming from Sylvia. Still, Katrina didn’t know how much she could believe her. If she wasn’t even sure she could come out if she got exactly what she wanted, she wasn’t sure only getting part of what she wanted would be worth it at all.
“I’m telling you now, if you do transition, it’s going to be awkward as hell,” the message continued. “You’re going to be eight months in and thinking you look nothing like a man and hardly like a woman at all, but that feeling will go away with time as your body keeps changing. But even then, it was so exciting to just see that something was happening. To be able to look in the mirror and see myself? It was absolutely worth it, even if I know I won’t ever exactly look like a cis woman.”
Katrina wanted to believe her, she really did, but she couldn’t. She knew how nice it was to look in the mirror and like what she saw, but she wasn’t sure that would ever happen on Earth, no matter what she did.
“If you don’t mind, can I see what you look like?” Sylvia asked. “I can send a picture of myself, too, before and after I started transitioning, if you’re interested.”
Katrina absolutely hated pictures. There were probably less than fifty of them in existence that contained her, and under ten of her time between age thirteen and twenty-six. Still, she obliged, turning on her webcam and snapping a photo, red eyes, masculine face, and all. She briefly wondered if she should be doing this, if her secrets might leak out into real life. But then she remembered that she had almost no real life friends, and she didn’t think her family would be using Discord any time soon.
“Girl, you already look extremely feminine,” Sylvia told her a few minutes after she sent her the picture. “You’re, like, practically three-quarters of the way there. A little estrogen magic and you’d look exactly like a cis girl, let me tell you.”
It felt like a lie, and if it wasn’t, she didn’t see whatever Sylvia saw. When she looked in the mirror, she saw someone who was terribly masculine, someone who made her want to cry looking at them.
A minute later, Sylvia sent a couple of pictures of herself, one that she labeled as four years ago and one marked today. Katrina nearly gasped at the contrast, almost convinced that she was actually looking at two separate people. Whoever the man was that Sylvia posted next to her picture, the one with the thick beard and bored look that had misery written in his eyes- it couldn’t have possibly been her with how amazing she looked. Curly dark hair and green eyes, a dark red shirt on and skinny jeans- she was jealous looking at it. She almost felt like she was being lied to, because if that was what ‘not looking the best’ was, she would absolutely take it every day of the week over what she had now.
“I don’t know why you said you don’t look the greatest,” Katrina told her. “You look absolutely amazing. I’m jealous just looking at those pictures. There is no way that could possibly be you.”
“Awwww, thanks! You do, too, honestly! I don’t know if you’re presenting feminine intentionally or not, but you look remarkable! If you transitioned, you’d look absolutely amazing.”
She appreciated the kind words, but didn’t believe her. She was certain that she would look like nothing more than an ugly man who was pretending no matter what she did, and it made her want to cry again. Still, maybe there was a small chance that something could be done to help her. If she looked even half as good as Sylvia did, it would be more than she could ever ask for.
“But what if I keep hating myself?” she asked. “I’m so, so afraid that I’m going to start to transition and the dysphoria won’t go away, or even worse, that I won’t like it. I know it’s silly, and I know that I absolutely want it, but I’m absolutely afraid.”
The dysphoria hadn’t reached her in Equestria up to that point, but she still couldn’t help but think that it was only a matter of time when it would. It was different on that side though because she hardly had any stakes. All she would have to do if she hurt herself on that side was walk through a door and return to her home. If she transitioned on Earth though and the dysphoria remained, she would have completely ruined her life for no reason at all. It was a thought she couldn’t bear, and she had no idea what she’d do if that happened.
“I think if you thought that, you’d stop well before then,” Sylvia told her. “It only takes about a month to realize that HRT isn’t for you. You’d either feel completely awful on it or have the best feeling ever and wonder how you lived so long without it, even if you barely changed at all at that point. I remember that’s what I was thinking.”
She knew what that feeling was like. The relief. She knew just how unbelievable it was, how unbelievable it would be to have on this side too. Still, it was too risky, and wasn’t something she could ever do. It was much safer to just be satisfied with what she had, even if it wasn’t much.
“I… I’m still unsure,” Katrina told her. “I’m not sure I can do it. It’s just… too much. I’m not strong enough to be able to make that decision, and probably never will be.”
It was completely pathetic. She knew exactly what was wrong with her but was too afraid to fix it. Even worse, she knew exactly how nice it was to be comfortable in her own skin and still refused to do anything. Anyone else would look at her situation and laugh, or maybe be angry with her for how nervous and afraid she felt.
“It’s okay to be unsure,” she read in response. “I’m not trying to pressure you. It’s okay to not transition. If you find something that works for you, go for it.”
Katrina didn’t go back to Equestria that day, or the next day, feeling too depressed to do so. Instead, she spent time laying in bed just staring at the ceiling. She contemplated her situation a little bit, but for the most part, she did her best to not think about anything. She wanted a break from her life for a little while if she could have it. However, that was impossible with how awful she felt.
She did go back the day after, spending a few hours in Equestria with Twilight Sparkle. She took in the relief as she changed, but even still, did her best to not think too much about herself. She didn’t want to think about what she couldn’t have and just enjoy the moment, and happily enough, Twilight didn’t press her on it. They spent most of their time talking about other things, Twilight showing Katrina her collection of books and leading her to different parts of her castle. It wasn’t much, but it was a nice time, one that she appreciated.
“So I have a question,” Katrina asked. “If you’re supposed to be a princess, how come you’re spending so much time with me? Do you not have other things to do?”
“Normally I would, and I actually do today,” she explained, “but my main objective for however long the worldgate remains is to get to know you and see what humans are like. Actually, that’s probably going to be my job for the next few years as it stands, since the ultimate goal would be to allow free immigration into Equestria for other creatures. But that’s not something that’s going to happen any time soon. Right now we’re just focused on learning about human culture through you, and eventually other people, too.”
“Okay, so other than basically hanging out with me all day, what exactly does a princess of friendship do?” she asked as she was shown around. “That seems like a very weird title. You said before you had a school about friendship, but what does that mean?”
“Oh! I spend time teaching ponies and other creatures about exactly that! We go through lessons about the subject! I’m quite well studied since my time in Ponyville. Although we do teach about other things, too. Each of my friends runs their own class.”
“I assume you also teach regular things like math and science and stuff?”
“And history and ponish and thaumatology,” she nodded. “We wouldn’t be able to receive accreditation without having those things taught. Oh! You should let me take you on a tour of my school!”
Before she could respond, Twilight suddenly lit up her horn, and a second later, the two were standing at the front entrance of the building. Katrina was frazzled by the suddenness of being in a new place, and let out a shiver as she shook her mane.
“Please don’t do that again,” she said after a long moment, blinking away her disorientation. “I don’t like that.”
“Sorry,” Twilight apologized before she started walking, Katrina following carefully behind her. It looked quite picturesque, she had to admit. There was a large pond surrounding the walkway the two were on, and a couple of waterfalls at the door they were supposed to walk in. Tall hills around it and surrounded by trees made the scene even more beautiful, and there were bridges in other areas to allow for other entry and exit points. It was impressive, she had to admit. If she could’ve gone to school somewhere like this, she would have.
“How far away is this from your castle?” Katrina asked. “The area around that was mostly flat from what I saw, and so was that town we went to.” She looked around in the distance a bit and added, “I don’t see your castle from here either.”
“It’s quite a distance, several miles from the main part of town. That’s why I teleported us-”
“Whoa!”
Katrina hadn’t been looking where she was going, and before she knew it, she was stepping on her tail and falling into the water, scowling as she struggled to get back on the walkway. Twilight couldn’t help but giggle at the sight of her, using her magic to help her up.
“I’m wet,” was all she could say as she avoided the urge to shake the water out of her hair. “God fucking damnit. This is why I can’t be a pony. I keep tripping over my hooves and stepping on my tail and it’s frustrating to deal with.”
“I can’t count how many times I’ve fallen into the pond,” Twilight chuckled, grimacing a little bit at the foul language. “Reading a book while walking, or teleporting just a little to the left or right of where I needed to be. It has to have been over a dozen times I ended up in the water. Did you need something to dry off?”
Katrina could only give her a look, letting her know the obvious answer before the two started off again.
“It actually happens so often,” Twilight told her as they walked, Katrina’s coat dripping as they entered the building, “that we added bathrooms with drying off stations in them near the entrance.” She pointed a hoof at where they were and explained, “I don’t know if you know this yet, but stallion means male and mare means female.”
“I had an idea, but it’s good to know for sure. Thank you.” With that, she quickly hurried into the mare’s room, before stepping out a second later. “I have no idea what the heck I’m doing,” she called. “All I see is a big cylinder.”
“All you have to do is stand in that cylinder and it’ll use magic to dry you off,” she explained. “It’ll take about two to three minutes to complete.”
With that, she did as was told, standing and letting the warm magic dry her off. There was no wind or anything. It felt more like a towel was working over her to soak up every last drop of water somehow. It was very interesting, to say the least, and she silently wondered where the water went.
Afterward, she went to use the bathroom for its normal purpose. However, the second she locked the stall, someone else entered with her.
“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” she thought frantically, all of a sudden one second away from having a heart attack. “Oh, this is bad, bad, bad. Why didn’t Twilight tell them I was in here?”
Whoever it was didn’t enter a stall of their own, Katrina could tell that. She looked down to see hooves and white legs standing in front of a mirror, unmoving. A few seconds later, she heard the pony hum in a voice that sounded familiar.
“Rarity,” she somehow remembered. “That’s Rarity. She was the one who gave me the dress after I helped Twilight.” She calmed down a tiny bit at the familiar name, still on the edge of a heart attack, but not nearly as much as she was before.
“Twilight said Rarity probably already knows, so it’s fine. Even if it’s not her, you already look like a girl. You’re a lady in the ladies’ room. Just do what you have to do and get out.”
She did her best to put those words into practice, taking a seat on the toilet. As she did though, predictably enough, the tip of her tail ended up in the water, making her clench her teeth in frustration. It was enough to get tears to stream down her cheeks as she did everything in her power to not scream.
She wanted to be a girl. That was it. Being a pony was taking away from the niceness she felt about herself. She hated having to fix her tail when she sat down or walk slowly to make sure she didn’t trip over her hooves or have to pick up things with her mouth. As much as she wanted to be herself, this wasn’t really herself. At best, she was roleplaying as someone she wanted to be, that person being clumsy and uncoordinated and a pony rather than a human.
She took a breath to calm down as she relieved herself, trying to put the fact that she was only half of what she wanted to be out of her mind for now. When she was done, she went to grab toilet paper, looking at the roll for a second before remembering again that she was a pony. It wasn’t even half as bad as being a male, but it was still upsetting to deal with.
“No way to use toilet paper with these useless hooves,” she thought frustratedly. “Great.”
It took careful maneuvering of her limbs and body to get in a position where she could wipe herself. As she did, she started to feel anxious about how long she was taking in the stall and what Rarity might think about it. As soon as she was done, she exited and spent about five seconds washing her hooves, trying her best to slink out unnoticed as the unicorn did her makeup.
“Oh! Hello Katrina,” the white unicorn greeted, stopping her in her tracks. “I didn’t expect I would ever see you here,” she said, not turning towards her as she focused on the mirror in front of her. “What brings you to the School of Friendship? Are you with Twilight right now?”
“Uh, yeah,” unable to hide her blush and her shaky hooves at having done her business in the same room as her. “I’m sorry,” she suddenly said, unable to stop herself as she went back to the cylinder to dry off her tail. She felt certain that Rarity was going to call her out for being a man in the women’s restroom.
Rarity turned to look at her, raising an eyebrow in confusion. “What ever for, darling?” she asked.
“Uh, nothing. I- I j-just… never mind.” She felt absolutely flustered by the situation, and had her ears pressed against her head as she stared at her hooves as a result.
“First time in the mare’s room?” she asked, giving Katrina a knowing smile. “I know how that can be. There’s nothing to worry about at all, dear. You look perfectly fine.”
“I- I, um…” she trailed off, now looking completely away. She had no idea what to say, and felt like dying of shame and embarrassment.
“Oh, I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I shouldn’t be drawing attention to that. I apologize. How have you been, Katrina? Do you like the dress I made for you?”
“Yes, I do,” she answered quietly, happy for the change in conversation. “I’m really glad you made it for me, even if it... um, doesn’t look good on me…”
“Oh, of course it does! You look absolutely beautiful, Katrina, so much so that I’m almost jealous. Although when I’m feeling not as up to par as I should be, I put on a little bit of makeup. I could do yours for you right now, if you’d like me to?”
Katrina blinked at that offer. “R-right now?” she asked. “Are you sure?”
“Of course, I’m sure, sweetheart. A little makeup to make you feel pretty will give you the confidence you need to seize the day. It certainly helps me when I need it.”
“I- I don’t really like makeup that much,” she admitted, although it didn’t stop her from smiling at the thought of it.
“Well, that grin of yours says something different to me,” Rarity responded, smiling back at her. “We won’t do too much. Just a light touch up, okay? A little bit of shadow for your eyes and some mascara. Nothing fancy.”
She obliged her, stepping up to the mirror and letting the unicorn work, silently watching as her face changed. It was subtle, but noticeable, the little touches of femininity that were added to her already feminine appearance, and it made her smile wider to watch. She wondered if the art would come with her through the worldgate and help fix the extreme masculineness she had on Earth.
“All done!” Rarity said, moving next to her again after quite a while and looking in the mirror with her. “Do you like it?” she asked eagerly.
“It looks amazing,” she told her happily. It wasn’t overly complicated like she expected it to be, only enough to darken out her eyes a bit and extend her lashes, along with a little bit of gold on the tops of her eyelids, barely visible but still able to shine if she fluttered her eyes.
“Thank you for doing this for me,” she told her gratefully. “I love it. I want to be able to do something like this myself.” She ignored the thought that it would probably require coming out to do. She didn’t imagine her family buying that she was just curious if they decided to suddenly show up one day.
“No trouble at all, darling,” Rarity replied. “If you ever feel up to it, feel free to stop by the Carousel Boutique and I can offer you some supplies of your own. As well, it would be lovely if we could go out for a mare’s only spa day.”
“That sounds absolutely wonderful,” Katrina smiled. “I’m going to take you up on that offer. Thank you again. I need to get back to Twilight now. I don’t know how long I’ve kept her waiting out there.”
“I do need to get to work on my own makeup now, darling,” she said. “I’ll speak to you again some other time, Katrina. Bye, dear.”
“Bye.”
It turned out she kept Twilight waiting quite a long time, so long that she was no longer anywhere to be found. She called out after her friend and received no answer, and after a few minutes and a few more times trying to call for her, she decided to head out to try and find her. Luckily, there was a sign right near the restrooms that explained where the counselor’s office was. She had to assume that the Princess of Friendship in a school about friendship had to be the counselor.
She casually let herself into the room once she got there, finding not Twilight but instead a bright pink pony with purple hair that had a sky blue stripe running through it. She immediately turned to Katrina, looking surprised by her arrival.
“Hi- oh! I don’t think I’ve seen you before!” she greeted. “You must be a new student to the school. My name is Starlight Glimmer. What’s yours?”
Katrina took a breath and raised a hoof to point at her before saying, “Your voice sounds exactly like mine, and it’s completely unbelievable.”
“Huh? I don’t hear it. I think you sound like a friend of mine, Lyra Heartstrings?”
“I think I heard Spike say that name too, but I can’t remember, but I’m telling you, it’s completely unbelievable how similar your voice is to mine.”
“Well, if you say so. Uh… what can I do for you?” As she said it, she plastered a wide smile on her face that told her she was ready for whatever she asked.
“I’m looking for Twilight?” Katrina asked. “She’s supposed to be showing me around the school?” Starlight opened her mouth to comment before Katrina added, “I’m not a student. Twilight’s just my friend, and wanted to… show off, I guess?”
“Ah. Well, in that case, I can bet you, she’s in the school library. Follow me, ma’am.”
She couldn’t help but smile. Every new person that called her ma’am was every new person that saw her as she wanted to be. It made her feel more confident in herself every time she heard it and made her heart flutter every time she was called it.
“It’s unbelievable how similar to me you sound,” Katrina said as she walked behind her. “It’s almost an out-of-body experience to listen to.”
“If you say so, but I’m telling you, I really don’t hear it.”
With that, the two went to the library, Starlight lighting up her horn to teleport them and Katrina jumping at the sudden change again.
“Do- do all ponies get around that way?” she asked shakily. “I don’t like that at all. That is so uncomfortable.”
“Sorry. Anyway, just like I said, there’s Twilight, reading books like always.” Starlight used a hoof to point her out, and the alicorn waved them over.
“Sorry I left Katrina,” she apologized. “You were taking forever with Rarity in the bathroom, and I needed to get work done. I figured you would stumble across me at some point.”
“She was with Rarity?” Starlight asked. “That explains her nice makeup. It really suits her. I’m almost jealous.”
Katrina couldn’t help but blush and smile shyly at that as Twilight said, “I think so, too. Anyway, I see you two have met.”
“Yes, we have,” they both said at the same time, Katrina flinching at the sound. “That is creepy,” she said. “It’s like I’m hearing a recording of myself, you sound so much like me. It is absolutely crazy to listen to.”
“Eh, I don’t hear it,” Twilight said. “I think you sound a lot more like Lyra Heartstrings.”
“That’s what I told her,” Starlight agreed. “She said Spike told her that, too.”
“I don’t know who that is, but if it’s any more uncanny than it is listening to you talk right now, then my head is gonna spin.”
There was a long pause before Starlight finally spoke. “Well, I have to go back now,” she said, stretching her legs. “Lots of ponies need my help, and there’s a lot of paperwork to do for the help I provide.” She then turned and said, “It was very nice to meet you, uh…”
“Katrina,” Katrina said, “and likewise.” She somehow knew to bump her hoof with Starlight’s, but fell over as she did so, sighing in frustration. A second later, the mare disappeared. With that, the two were left alone, neither of them saying anything for a minute as Twilight continued to read.
“Hey, Twilight, I have a serious question for you,” she suddenly got out as she stood back up, breaking the long silence.
“Is it about your voice?” she asked. “I don’t think you sound like Starlight at all, honestly. I can’t hear whatever similarities you’re hearing.”
“Not, it’s not that. I was just wondering if Rarity was trans.”
The alicorn looked up from her book at that, raising an eyebrow. “Not that I know of,” she answered, “although it’s not something I ever asked. I can’t say how surprised I would be if she said she was though. Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know. It was just a couple of comments she made to me that made me think she might be, but I’m probably overthinking it. It’s nothing.” With that, she asked, “Weren’t you going to show me around the school?”
“I wanted to give you a tour,” she said, “but you took up all our time with doing makeup with Rarity. As nice as it looks, we don’t have any time to really see anything else.”
“Ah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to abandon you like that.”
“No trouble. I do have to go back now. Do you mind if we teleport? I know you don’t like it, but I can’t walk all the way back today. Or if you want to, I can give you directions for how to reach the castle from here.”
“Ugh, fine, but I won’t like-” she started, being interrupted with the change of scenery again. She closed her eyes for a second and got her bearings before continuing, “I will never, ever get used to that.” She let out a breath and turned to Twilight, telling her, “Thank you for having me for… what is this, the fourth time I’ve come here? Fifth? I know I kind of distracted myself from what you wanted to do, but I appreciate you having me anyway. It’s nice hanging out with you.”
“It’s no trouble. There are plenty of other days. And it’s nice talking to you, too, Katrina,” Twilight smiled kindly. “I do have to go now though. I don’t want to waste any more time. I’ll see you later, Katrina.”
“See ya later, Twilight,” Katrina waved with a smile.
It turned out that the makeup did stay on when she left Equestria, and she couldn’t help but look in the mirror. Somehow, despite how masculine she felt she was, despite how little was done, she thought it made her face softer, and she couldn’t help but smile when she saw it. She couldn’t say she really liked what she saw, but her face wasn’t nearly as bad as it was when she woke up. She still wasn’t going to ever come out in real life, but if she ever did, she decided she would buy lots of makeup to help her out. Regardless, it gave her more of that confidence and happiness that she was looking for.
It was a nice time Katrina had hanging out in Equestria over the next few weeks. She brought over her own stuff on occasion, showing off her writing and some of the things she liked. At one point, she brought over her laptop and explained to Twilight the concept of football to both she and Spike, showing them some of her team’s highlights. She had to download the videos beforehand due to Equestria’s lack of internet, but found that her laptop charged automatically just being in Equestria. She pointed out some of the players and explained their positions, Twilight happily listening and taking notes even if most of it went over her head. Katrina thought it was a nice time anyway, and Spike especially seemed intrigued by the idea of it.
Another time, she went to see Rarity to have her makeup completely done up, enjoying the time she spent with her. It made her happy to be treated as she wanted to be, and she practically screamed when she got back to Earth and saw how nice she looked with the makeup still on. She almost considered walking out in public with the makeup on and the dress she got, but forced herself not to. Despite how nice she looked and how wonderful it would’ve been to be treated like a woman, she was still steadfast in the fact that she was never going to do anything in real life. Besides, it wasn’t like makeup on her face would affect her physical appearance, which was still extremely masculine. Not to mention, people would look at her, which was about the last thing she wanted, as nice as it would be to be herself.
Twilight was available most days, but not every day. She explained that she could explore her castle or Ponyville if she wanted to while she was away, although she mostly stayed confined to the distance she already traveled with the mare or within sight of the castle. At one point, she walked to a bakery and was suddenly surprised with a party hosted by the unicorn’s friend, Pinkie Pie. She didn’t do much talking during the event, doing her best to stay farther away from the many ponies there, but still thought it was an okay time anyway.
It continued on like that for several weeks, Katrina heading through nearly every afternoon and spending some time in Equestria, Twilight slowly but surely showing her around Ponyville. Mostly it was just the two of them, Spike occasionally coming along, but every so often, one of Twilight’s seemingly endless pool of friends would accompany them. It was always a pleasant experience, and as much as she thought someone would see right through her, they never did.
It was a very nice time she had, and made her happy, but yet somehow she felt like she was starting to feel worse overall. She tried to ignore it, but she could tell that Sylvia was right. Spending time in Equestria was making her dysphoria worse on Earth. Even if it was just a few hours a day, having a body she was more comfortable in was worsening the contrast she felt with herself on Earth.
Even staying in Equestria, Twilight could see it, too, and one day, she asked about it.
“Are you okay?” she started as the two of them sat in the library, Katrina helping the mare write a short fiction story for her class. It wasn’t anything great, a simple story about a pony befriending an alien, one who felt bad about who they were, but after hearing more about how she was a teacher in a class about friendship, she decided it was something she wanted to do. With as nice and kind as Twilight had been, Katrina wanted to offer up something to her as well.
“I’ve started noticing the last several days you’ve been getting more and more depressed, especially when it’s time for you to head back home. Is something the matter?”
Katrina knew she was just being polite when she asked that. The mare knew exactly what the matter was, but was giving her the chance to say she didn’t want to talk about it. She almost did, too, the words, “I’m fine,” nearly coming off her tongue. Instead, however, she decided to be honest.
“Feeling nice on this side is making me more depressed on that side,” she said. “I- I like the friends I have over there, but I completely loathe going back. Even if I’m extremely uncomfortable being a pony, being a female here is better than being a man over there. Although being a pony has its own set of problems.”
“I see…” Twilight trailed off thoughtfully. “I can tell you don’t like talking about it, but if you want to, we can take a look at your options and see what the best course of action for you would be. I’d really hate to see you get to a point where you’re not enjoying your time here because you’re spending it thinking about what’s going to happen on Earth.”
Before she could object, the mare was already moving away what they were writing on before and setting out fresh sheets of paper.
“Option one,” she started, writing down exactly what she was saying, “is changing nothing. As far as I understand, you’re using your time here as a break from dealing with dysphoria on Earth, is that correct?”
“I- you don’t have to do this for me,” Katrina told her. “I’m fine. I know you’re trying to help me out, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I don’t want to impose on what we’re doing.”
“If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to, but it’s not any trouble to me. Actually, I rather like learning about you. You can probably tell, but I don’t really get to talk to ponies like you every day, so it’s very interesting to learn about.” With that, she smiled sheepishly and added, “Actually, I might have been writing down notes on our conversations. I hope you don’t mind. I know Ponyville isn’t the same as where you come from, but if one of my students came to me and said they were transgender, I’d want to be able to understand what they’re going through and give proper advice.”
Katrina felt oddly proud of that, liking the idea that her experience might help someone else in the future. It made her feel like maybe, even as hard as it was, her struggles weren’t happening for no reason.
“Well… for option one, that’s basically correct,” she finally said. “I am using it as a break from dysphoria. I like spending time with you here, but a lot of it is specifically that.” She was close to saying she didn’t like the option of changing nothing, but kept her mouth shut on that.
“Okay, what’s option two?” Twilight asked, writing it down then looking up at her. Katrina expected her to list the options for her, and blushed when she realized Twilight was waiting for her.
“Um, I guess moving here?” she replied. “Benefits are that I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that I loathe who I am over there.”
“Are there any drawbacks to that?” she asked. “Also, what is that noise that’s coming through the portal?”
“I think that’s my dryer, and yeah. I don’t really want to be a pony, as nice as I feel right now. I like being a girl, but I want to be a woman and not a mare. I know it’s silly and I’m being selfish, but… I don’t know. As nice and as lovely as it is, it… I don’t know.”
What she wanted to say was that being in Equestria felt a lot more like roleplaying than it did being herself. Part of it might have been that she was spending such a limited amount of time in Equestria. Even as happy as she felt, she still felt a little bit incomplete. As nice of a world as Equestria was, it didn’t entirely feel like her world. The dysphoria was gone and she would take this if this was all there was, but it was only almost everything she wanted on the very best days. A lot of days though, more and more lately, it nagged on her that she was incomplete. As selfish as she felt, she couldn’t help but feel like she should be human, too. As awful a place as Earth could sometimes be, especially being in the body that existed there, it felt more like her world. She couldn’t help but be hung up on that.
“I hate having to deal with tails and hooves and stuff. It’s not something I’ve gotten used to yet in my weeks of being here. I like being a human more than a pony, but I know I like being a pony more than I do being a man.”
“It’s okay. Other options?”
“Staying on that side forever,” Katrina replied quickly. “Doing my best to manage dysphoria and not dealing with the contrast between there and here. It’s what I was doing before anyway, and it worked well enough. I was kind of miserable, but…”
She knew what was coming next, the next option she was going to have to give Twilight, and felt her heart race with anxiety. She knew that Twilight would say it was the best solution, and it made her nervous, almost terrified.
“Okay, option four?” the mare asked, and Katrina looked away.
“You know what option four is,” she replied quietly as she looked at her hooves. “You can just say it.”
“If it’s what I remember you talking about before and not something you want to consider, you can tell me that,” Twilight said. “It’s not something I have to decide. If you don’t want to put it down, we don’t have to.”
Katrina couldn’t help but grumble a little bit at that as her ears flattened, quickly saying, “Option four is transitioning.”
“Okay, any benefits and drawbacks with that?”
She remained silent, thinking it over in her head. Not that she had to. She knew exactly what each benefit and drawback was.
“I’m sorry, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Twilight told her after a minute. “We can go out to eat or something instead, or visit some of my friends.”
Katrina closed her eyes and sighed. “Option three is completely out of the question,” she said, causing Twilight to turn and look at her in surprise. “I’ve already spent enough time doing that, and it clearly hasn’t worked. I’m not gonna go back to being miserable when I know it won’t change anything.”
“Okay,” she said, quickly scratching the option out. “Was there anything else you wanted to rule out?”
She closed her eyes for another moment before saying, “Probably number one. I don’t want to… ugh, I already know where this is leading, but I’m never going to have the courage to do it…”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Twilight replied sympathetically, putting her hoof on top of one of Katrina’s.
“I know, but it’s not- I can’t just keep wasting my life doing this. I’m already twenty-six, and before I know it, I’m gonna be thirty, then forty, then fifty and sixty, and I’m gonna look back and see that I just threw it all away hating myself because I was too much of a coward, whether that means transitioning over there or living the rest of my life here.”
She wasn’t crying, but she had her head in her hooves on the table, clearly upset with herself. She heard Twilight open her mouth and take a breath to say something before stopping, which she was glad for. She was going to be very upset if she heard the mare tell her she could take as much time as she needed when she only had so much time in her life to make a decision.
“Is there anyone you can talk to?” Twilight asked. “Somepony who knows what you’re going through and has made the decision to transition?”
“Yes, but I already know what they’re going to tell me. I don’t- ugh! I don’t want to have to deal with this!”
“Can I ask if you know you want to transition? Do you just not have confidence?”
“I… I don’t know. Even if I were confident enough to come out, I don’t know if I’d do it anyway. I’d look absolutely terrible, and even if I didn’t, I’m so afraid the dysphoria would come back. I’m scared that I’ll start down that road and regret it. Versus just moving here where I already look like a cis female, even if it’s as a pony… god, moving here is such a bitter pill to swallow in comparison. Either way, I’m gonna be completely incomplete because I just want to be a human female.”
Twilight blinked at that, not comprehending what she heard. “You… you think if you transition, you’ll still have gender dysphoria?”
Katrina nodded at that, telling her, “I know it’s silly, but I can’t help but think I’ll transition and then the dysphoria will come back anyway. It makes no sense, but it’s how I feel.”
Twilight once again opened her mouth to say something but stopped, looking up at the ceiling. Katrina watched her, wondering what she was thinking before she finally said, “I know it’s not me, but if it was and I was afraid of that, I would go ahead and transition anyway.”
“...what?”
“Maybe I’m misunderstanding or missing something, but, and I know it’s not me, but if it was me, and I had dysphoria, even if I thought my dysphoria might come back, I would transition. Well, actually, I’d move to Earth if it stopped me from feeling so bad and just visit my friends in Equestria, but it feels a lot like you’ve already ruled out the option of moving here. Anyway, what I want to say is that if you already have dysphoria, what do you really have to lose?”
She sighed at that, explaining, “I said it before. Earth isn’t like Equestria. It’s not nearly as friendly and accepting as things seem to be here. It’s even worse because I live in Kansas. Maybe if I were in California or Massachusetts or Oregon or something, it’d be different, but right now, it’s just…” She sighed again, saying, “I’m just a coward, and my cowardice is going to kill me.”
“Well, if you need to move someplace better, money’s no issue. You have plenty of bits in the bank you can use. They are yours after all. Not to mention, Equestria’s always open to having you. If you needed to, I’d let you stay in my castle.”
“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It’s a lot of money, but those are expensive places to live. Not to mention I wouldn’t know anyone if I moved away, and I have a job I like here…”
“You can always visit, right? Whether you move to Equestria or somewhere else on Earth. I really think your friends and family would understand if-”
“Wait, stop. Do you hear that?” Katrina looked around, listening carefully. Twilight did the same, her ears lifted up as she waited for a sound.
“You mean other than your dryer, like you said it was before? Cause all I hear is a steady humming coming from that side.”
“No, it’s not- there! Is that coming from my house?” she asked, not waiting for an answer as she got up to take a look, hearing the sound of multiple people talking from very far away, the noise reaching her from beyond the portal. “Who in the world could that be?”
Katrina quietly lifted the trapdoor and climbed up into her closet, listening carefully to see if whoever was in her home was nearby. She sneaked up and out, following the sounds of people talking and taking a peek into her living room when she finally saw who it was.
“Jase!” she suddenly yelled as her little brother jumped in surprise. “What do you think you’re doing here?”
“Oh, hi Mark,” Jase responded casually as he settled back into the couch and turned back to the TV that was on, looking quite sweaty. “Funny thing about that is that you left your door unlocked. And by unlocked, I mean you still haven’t changed the password to your keypad. I was knocking for a minute until I got fed up and let myself in. Basically what I’m saying is that it’s your fault I’m inside.”
Katrina blinked and took a breath before she responded, “I was a second away from just getting my phone and calling the police. You can’t just keep walking in whenever you want. You do realize this is a felony, right? I could send you to jail.”
“Like I said, I was knocking. You never answered, and I didn’t hear anyone, so… speaking of which, where were you? I know you were home because your car’s still out front.”
“I- that doesn’t matter,” she told him. “What do you think you’re doing here breaking into my house?”
“That part is less funny,” he started, rubbing a hand behind his head as he smiled sheepishly. “Turns out Dad really doesn’t like it when you’re twenty-two and are still living with him and don’t have a job, so… he might have kind of kicked me out.”
“And Mom lives in a one room condo, Sam’s in Georgia with her boyfriend, and Trent just doesn’t care, does he? Which means you have to just break in to my house, doesn’t it?”
“Trent did say he would let me stay with him if I had seven hundred dollars a month for rent and paid a deposit, too. His exact words were that if I, and I quote, ‘want that fucking freeloading pity bullshit, go see your other brother and bother him’, which I think is in essence what Dad told me, too, except much more politely. So uh, here I am.”
“How in the world is all of this happening?” Katrina couldn’t help but ask herself as she closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. “Of course he wants to move in with me a few months after that worldgate gets built. I’m never going to be able to see Twilight…”
“I doubt those were his exact words, but you’re lucky I’m so nice,” she replied grumpily after a moment of consideration. “But you do have to get a job. I don’t want you sitting around all day doing nothing. And this is temporary. We’re not going to do this for more than a year at most. Also, do not come into my house like that again. I will call the police if you do that again.” She mostly said those things so she could make sure there was a time when he’d be out of the house so she could go to Equestria. She wanted to support her brother but she absolutely didn’t want to give up her relief.
“Awwwww, you’re the best brother,” Jase smiled. “Trent’s got nothing on you. Also, I think you mean our house now?”
“Don’t push me,” Katrina threatened. “I’m not in the mood for it right now, especially since you think it’s okay to just walk in and start watching TV. I just about had a heart attack a minute ago.”
“I’m sorry. I really do appreciate it,” he told her genuinely. “Thank you. It means a lot.”
“Well… I guess,” she mumbled. “You’re welcome. You’re lucky I’m such a nice person. You really should’ve called first, though.”
“I did call,” he explained. “Like seven times. And texted you, too. You just didn’t pick up and never responded, so I kind of got desperate and walked over.”
“Wait, you walked here?” she asked seriously. “From Dad’s house? It’s like six miles! How did you get your stuff here?”
“It is very far, and it’s hot as crap outside, which is another reason why I got tired from standing outside so long knocking on the door. Also, I did not get my stuff here. It’s all still at Dad’s house. Um… do you wanna help me get it?” Jase said it and gave her the widest smile he could, trying to convince her.
She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at that. “Let’s go, I guess. Let me go get a hoodie first.”
“I know it’s supposed to be September, but it’s like ninety-five degrees out there, Mark,” Jase told her. “Why are you going to get one?”
“Because I’m an adult who can do what he wants,” she replied, barely stopping herself before she could use female pronouns on herself. She picked one out at random from her closet, making a note to have a lock placed on the door in the future to stop her brother from wandering in accidentally.
“Fine, but when you get heat stroke from being in that thing, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he told her as she lifted it on. “Also, you should really cut your hair,” he added. “How do you manage all of that? Especially in the summer. It’s like halfway down your back. You’re gonna die the second you walk out there.”
Katrina didn’t comment on that, instead pushing her hair out of her face and heading out to her car, her brother following behind her and making his way into the passenger seat.
It was only a few minutes before the two were pulling up in the house they grew up in, Katrina frowning at the sight of it. She couldn’t really say she had fond memories of living here. She had hardly stepped foot inside in years since she left, maybe only a few times a year since she moved out. It just made her feel too bad to do. She didn’t waste time dwelling on that though, immediately hopping out and getting right to work getting her brother’s stuff loaded up. Her father had the front door open when the two pulled up, clearly expecting to see them.
“Remember to lift with your knees, Mark,” her father said from the living room couch as he watched the two of them work. “I don’t want to have to call an ambulance and tell them my son threw out his back doing something stupid, especially since you came here with a jacket and that mop on your head.”
“I know what I’m doing, Dad,” she replied. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am. I’m twenty-six years old. I know how to lift furniture.” She resisted the urge to add in that he wasn’t even helping them.
“I’m trying to help you out, son. Why do you always have to talk back to me? Every fucking time I tell you something, all I get is back talk, even now. I don’t know how I put up with you for eighteen years.”
She let out a frustrated sigh at that. “Ugh, I’m not back talking, I’m just saying that I know what I’m doing.”
“I don’t know how I put up with you for one hour,” she thought to herself as she worked.
“I am glad to see your brother doing some work for the first time in his life,” he continued, moving to look at Jase now. “A little hard work will put some muscle on you, Jason. You definitely need it.”
“Haha, I guess I do, don’t I?” he answered much more cheerfully than Katrina had. “Maybe I could get a job at Walmart while I live with Mark. That should help give me some money and muscle, too, I think. I’m gonna show up here for Christmas dinner completely ripped.”
“A good job, something physical, that would be good for you, Jason. Not that sitting in bed on your laptop all day crap like Mark does. Gives him a fricken attitude, I’ll say that much. He did that same shit when he was living here as a teenager, remember? He hasn’t had a day’s work in his life.”
“That’s easy to say while you sit and watch us from the couch, Dad,” Katrina now couldn’t help but reply, a scowl now firmly planted on her face. She didn’t want to think about all the days she didn’t leave her room when she was a teenager because she felt so bad.
“You can help us if you want, you know,” she added. “It’s not like it’s an easy job.”
“I’m almost sixty years old, Mark, and have been working hard all of those years. You’re a strong young man. You don’t need an old man like me to help you. Just remember to lift with your knees. And seriously, you need to cut all that hair off. It looks like a wig. It’s embarrassing.”
“You say that every single time I see you,” she snapped, “and I give you the same response every single time. It’s never getting cut, so stop asking.” She did all she could to not yell and curse in the final part of her statement.
“You don’t need to always fucking back talk to me. I was just saying.”
“And I’m just saying you don’t have to tell me every single time I come over. We’ve had this conversation before. I don’t need to hear that you hate how I look every time I see you.”
Her father shook his head. “Always this with you, Mark,” he said. “When are you gonna fricken grow up? You make everything into such a big deal. Can’t even say one thing without having you yell at me.”
Katrina rolled her eyes hard as he said it, thankful her back was to him and he couldn’t see.
Slowly but surely, Jase and Katrina emptied the place of her brother’s stuff, their father sitting by idly from then on, watching as the two worked and not making more than the occasional comment. She didn’t really have much to say anyway, doing her best to clear her mind and focus on work as they passed through several rooms. She didn’t like being here, and wanted to be done and gone as quickly as possible.
It wasn’t her family. They were mostly fine in her opinion, even if they did have a few problems. Well, more than a few problems for some of them, namely her father, but that wasn’t the issue. It was the memory of how she felt that hurt her. The days where she would just stay in her room and not go out, even less than she did already. The fact that she would hardly speak to anyone at school. The times where she got upset about having to take family pictures, where she silently cried in her room over having to have her hair cut whenever her parents felt necessary.
And the memory of not knowing what was wrong with her, why little things about herself upset her so much, why she couldn’t once look in the mirror and like who she saw. As much as she didn’t want to acknowledge that she was trans, more than that she hated that old feeling of not knowing why she disliked herself so much. She couldn’t stand it at all.
“It would’ve been better had I not been completely stupid, seeing how obvious it was,” she thought to herself. As far as she knew, most boys didn’t sneak into their sister’s closet when they weren't around to try on their clothes, or had trouble connecting with other men, or felt jealous that they couldn’t have a woman’s puberty. How she never put those things together when she lived here, she didn’t know. Maybe things would be different if she had.
She closed her eyes and sighed for a moment, unable to avoid taking in the intensity of the building she was in. She only let herself dwell on it for a moment though before getting back to business, slowly moving Jase’s stuff out of their father’s house.
“Is this the last piece of furniture?” she asked as she lifted a mattress down the stairs and placed it on top of her car, tying it up. “Is there anything else we need?”
“Nope, that’s it,” Jase replied, leaning on her car for a second as her clothes soaked in sweat. “Huh. That was much easier than I would’ve imagined.”
“Painless,” she replied casually, wiping her forehead before hopping back in and getting behind the wheel.
Before they knew it, the two were back at her house, unloading everything from her car and placing it into the living room. It was about an hour and a half total of time spent getting everything, and when they were done, Katrina flopped down on the couch tiredly.
“That was horrible,” she said firmly as she closed her eyes. “Don’t move anything yet though. I need a minute to rest, and then some time to take a shower while I try not to die looking at myself.”
“Okie dokie,” Jase replied, sitting in front of her as he turned the TV back on. “I’ll be here until then.”
Katrina took a relieved sigh, resting for a minute before opening her eyes and realizing what she said. “What is wrong with me?” she thought as she got up, doing her best to remain casual as she headed to the shower. “How could I just slip up like that? I might as well have just said it outright. What in the world is wrong with me?”
She made a point to stop by her room to close and lock her laptop before heading into the bathroom. She turned on the water and let it run over her skin, closing her eyes. She hardly ever took long showers, but right then, she wanted to stand under the water all night. It was reliving in contrast to the events of her day up to that point.
“Why does Jase have to be here?” she whispered to herself as she stood. “Why is all of this happening? This isn’t fair…”
She would have to find a way to somehow tell Twilight she wouldn’t be able to see her for a while. Maybe she would go early in the morning before she went to sleep, right after she got off of work. She didn’t want the mare to be worried about her.
She stood for a while under the water before she started to hear the sound of her brother grunting coming from outside, clearly moving his stuff around when she told him not to. It made her groan in frustration to hear, and she finally got out the body wash and shampoo to prepare to leave the shower.
“Hey, Mark!” Jase suddenly called as she stepped out to dry herself off. “I have a question!” Katrina rolled her eyes and shook her wet hair for a second before getting dressed to see what he wanted.
“I told you not to start moving stuff around, and you…” she trailed off, stopping short as she just about had a heart attack at what she saw.
“What is this doing here?” her brother asked as he held up her dress.
“That’s from a girl I was with last week,” Katrina thought up quickly, somehow able to avoid fainting as she kept a flat, neutral expression. “She forgot it when she left,” she explained, “and I still haven’t been able to give it back to her.”
“Bad,” she thought to herself angrily. “Bad, bad, bad. This is such a horrible excuse. Why didn’t I say it was a gift for someone else?”
“Ah, okay,” her brother responded casually in understanding. However, he kept his eyes on her, and even though Katrina had already looked away, she could feel him staring. She tried to ignore him, but realized she wouldn’t be able to after a few seconds.
“Yes?” she asked as she turned around again, portraying annoyance but feeling extremely anxious as she looked back at her brother. “What is it? Also, put that up. I don’t think she’ll want it back all messed up.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but waited a moment before saying, “I was just wondering, are you trans?”
“No,” she responded automatically, practically feeling the question coming. How she wasn’t shaking from the heart attack she was about to have, she didn’t know. She felt the urge to say more and explain herself, but forced herself to stay silent. Saying more would just look more suspicious.
“It’s okay if you are,” Jase continued, looking directly into her eyes. “I’m not Dad. I really don’t care either way. I’m just curious. I mean, it would make a few things make more sense, like how long your hair is. You do look kind of like a girl already, so I can kind of see it if you were.”
“I’m not trans,” she said forcefully, with finality, brushing her still wet hair out of her face with a hand. “I just like having long hair. Don’t ask me that again.”
“Okay…” Jase trailed off, clearly not believing her. “If you say so.”
“God, I’m playing this absolutely terribly,” she couldn’t help but think. “I know for a fact that he doesn’t believe me. I shouldn’t have snapped at him like that. What the heck is wrong with me?”
“I’m sorry,” she quickly told him, trying to fix her words. “I’m just not in the mood for your dumbs jokes right now. Help me get this stuff set up?”
Jase obliged her, the two of them moving his things around silently for a few minutes before he asked, “Are you gay?”
“What? No!” she answered, caught off guard. “I just told you it was from a girl I was with last week. What the heck are you talking about?”
He tilted his head and gave her a look that said he wasn’t buying it, responding, “I think you just have that dress in there to cover up the fact that you’re gay. That’s my theory. Either that, or you really are just a trans girl.”
“I’m not gay, I’m not trans, I’m not anything,” she lied, doing her best to assure him.
“I don’t know, it’s pretty suspicious that you just have a dress hanging around in your closet,” he said. “Are you sure you’re not? Maybe you’re just confused. Besides, I’ve never seen you with any other girls, other than, like, twice when you were in high school.”
“It’s not that kind of relationship,” she lied, “and we’ll leave it at that. Plus, do you see any other girls' clothes around here? No, because she only left that one thing.”
“She just left one single dress here?” he asked suspiciously. “Nothing else?”
“Uh, yeah.” Katrina said it in a way that made it seem like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It was all she could do to not die of nervousness right there.
“Oh yeah? What’s her name then?”
“Um, Katrina,” Katrina answered quickly, unable to think of another name fast enough. Now she did blush saying that, looking away slightly, hoping that he wouldn’t remember about her profile online. She wanted to curse at herself because of her stupidity.
“She was here last Thursday or Friday,” she made up. “I forgot what TV show we watched, but it’s in my search history somewhere. And then we um…” She coughed into her hand and looked away, embarrassed that she was even indicating adult activities. The idea of having sex with someone in her current body made her want to shiver, it felt so disgusting to think about.
“Well… I don’t know, but I think you’re something,” he said suspiciously, squinting at her. “Maybe not gay or trans, but definitely something. I can feel it. You just don’t want to tell me.”
“I’m not anything, I promise,” she said as she helped him continue to move stuff. “If I were, I promise I’d let you know, okay? Now can you stop bugging me about it?”
“Fine… are you a femboy?”
“Stop it, Jase,” she said firmly. “We’re not having this conversation.”
“That wasn’t a no, Mark,” he replied, grinning at her. She sent a look his way at that, and he continued, “Fine, if you insist. I will figure out what it is though, I promise.”
“I thought you were being kicked out, not that Dad sent you here to spy on me and play twenty questions,” she replied, leaving the conversation at that, fearful that he might be serious about that promise. The two of them got everything set up, and by the time they were done, it was nearly time for Katrina to clock in.
“I’m gonna go to work now,” she called from her bedroom. “I want you to fill out job applications tonight. I bet you can get something started by next week. Everyone here is looking to hire.”
“Fiiiiine,” he complained from the other room. “You act just like Dad, you know that?” Katrina flinched at the response but accepted the answer for now even though she didn’t hear him get up. She logged into her workstation for the night, wondering as she did what she was going to do about him. A week or two would be nothing, but if Jase was staying with her for as long as she thought he would, it would be only a matter of time before he figured out how she felt. He’d already found her dress and guessed it after all, even if it was in a mostly joking, only semi-serious sort of manner.
“It’s going to be fine,” she said as she distracted herself with work. “I can work around this. I just need to be extra careful, and buy a lock for that closet. I can do this. We lived together before after all, and he still doesn’t know. I can do it again.”
She knew it wasn’t the same though. Living together during childhood wasn’t nearly the same as staying together as adults. She knew the little things and tiny comments would be much more noticeable to him now, especially now that he asked once. She would have to make sure she was extra careful.
Except for the occasional update from Jase about where he was applying to work, the night was quiet, and before she knew it, she was waking up in the afternoon again, a bit earlier than she usually did.
“Can you believe I already got my first interview today?” Jase asked her happily as she walked into the living room to see him dressed up nicely. “That was quick! I didn’t think they’d call me to come in the next day. What do you think the odds of me starting work next week are?”
“I don’t know, but where is it at?” Katrina asked curiously. “What times would it be?”
“Arby’s, the one down the street,” he replied. “I’m gonna be working from nine-thirty to six, and it’s close enough that I can walk there in like fifteen minutes. Can you believe they’re starting out at eleven bucks an hour?”
“That’s great, Jase,” she smiled politely. “I’m happy for you.” And she was. A lot of it was the fact that he’d be working during when she would be in Equestria and that he had found something so soon, but she was also genuinely proud of him for finding something. As far as she knew, he hadn’t had a job in his life.
“Are you leaving now?” she asked, trying not to sound too hopeful about it.
“Yeah. It doesn’t start until one-thirty, but I wanna be there early. They said it’s gonna last an hour so I’ll probably be back at like three.”
“That’s helpful to know,” she replied. “I’m gonna head to the store in a few minutes, but I’ll be here for the most part. Did you need me to drive you there?”
“No, I’m fine, thanks though. I’ll see ya later.”
With that, he left, leaving Katrina to her morning bathroom routine before getting dressed. As she did, she looked herself over, thinking about how Jase said she kind of already looked like a girl the day before. Whatever he saw, she didn’t see it, not very much anyway. Maybe there was a little bit of something if she hunted for it. If she turned to the side and looked at herself from different angles, she could perhaps see hints of femininity.
Suddenly, she got an idea, and a second later, was looking around for a hairband and tying her hair into a ponytail to see what she looked like. It showed her a little bit more of what she wanted to see, a little more femininity, and she couldn’t help but blush and smile at herself. She was able to feel that nice feeling she only ever got in Equestria make its way upon her as she looked herself over.
“Maybe I look a tiny bit feminine,” she decided happily, focusing on looking at her eyes and hair. She let the feeling of niceness about herself run over her for a little while, taking it in until she remembered that she was supposed to be heading to the store. She didn’t want to waste time with the limited amount she had today, and so decided to keep the hairband in, quickly putting on her shoes and leaving.
She wasn’t out for very long, only long enough to pick up a lockable doorknob from the Home Depot across the street, nor was it a big thing to have her hair tied up like it was. A lot of guys had their hair tied like she did, seeing a couple of men at the store like that today. Regardless, it made her happy to wear in public, and she was unable to put down her smile as she shopped, even in spite of her dislike of being seen in public. She wondered why she didn’t do this more often.
It didn’t take very long to attach the lock to her closet once she got back home, making sure it was working properly before locking it from the other side and heading down the ladder and through the portal into Equestria. Twilight was once again sitting in her library, seemingly waiting for her to show up.
“What happened yesterday?” she asked curiously as she looked up from a book. “Is everything alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” Katrina answered, the smile she wore starting to drop again. She debated for a second whether or not to tell her what happened before saying, “My little brother came over yesterday, and… he needs a place to stay for a while… which…”
“You don’t sound like that’s a good thing,” she noted as Katrina sat down in front of her, her mood completely turned in a few short seconds as she remembered the conversation they had yesterday. “Is everything okay?”
“I mean, it’s an issue because… well, this castle- this world- is just sitting in my house waiting for him to find out about. I mean, I put a lock on it just now, but what do I do if he just walks in by accident one day anyway?”
“Well I don’t think that’d really be an issue,” Twilight said. “I mean, it’d be a small issue, but the main point was to test the usefulness of the worldgate. Eventually the goal would be to have a public worldgate that’s easily accessible for any creature to use, even if that’s probably years down the line, given all the research we’d have to do. Not to mention the legal work. But one other person, especially your family member? Or even if it was several other people, I doubt Princess Celestia would care much at all, considering the end goal.”
“I… I mean…” She started to get teary eyed as she looked away and quietly said, “I don’t want him to see me like this. I- I mean, I do, I want him to see me as me, but… He already saw the dress and asked me if I was trans, but I lied. I know he said he wouldn’t care, but… I can’t do it. I don’t want him to find out about me.”
“Why not?” Twilight asked her softly.
“I don’t know. I just- I don’t. Even if he doesn’t care, it’s just gonna be awkward as heck. I don’t want to have to reintroduce myself to him if that’s the best way to phrase it. Plus he’s the kind of person who’s just gonna run his mouth. If he figures out, it’ll only be a few days before my whole family knows, and I… I can’t do that. I’m not ready for that.” She felt like she was going to cry as she continued, “I- I think he might already know… I handled the situation so poorly.” She realized in hindsight she should have obfuscated and made it into a joke. At the very least, he was definitely suspicious.
She was getting more confident in herself though, that much she could tell. Even though she did lie to him, having him verbally say that he wouldn’t care if she was trans made her feel better. It wasn’t something she felt like she was ever going to say in real life, but it wasn’t as much of a hard no as it was before. Instead of a zero percent chance of saying her truth in her lifetime, it was more like… a fifteen percent chance now? Still extremely low, but the fact that she felt a bit more comfortable with the idea was remarkable to her.
Before Twilight could comment, she rubbed her eyes and asked, “Anyway, what do you have planned for today? I have about an hour before he comes back.”
The two didn’t do much, but it was a nice time. She listened to Twilight talk about magic, enjoying the time even if what she was saying mostly went over her head. She did contemplate what the mare told her yesterday, about talking to someone. The idea of that made her feel better, but she didn’t know if she actually wanted to. She already knew what they would say. Either transition or…
“Is my house going to be turned into a public place?” she suddenly asked, causing Twilight to look up. “Are people just going to be allowed to come and go as they please from my home?”
“That’s not likely,” she answered. “I wouldn’t hedge my bets on it. More than likely, we’ll set up work in someplace relatively empty and build the worldgate there.”
“So if you’re just gonna build it somewhere else, what is my house being used for?”
“Part of it was to see if a functioning worldgate could be built artificially, which we found out, seeing how often you’ve gone back and forth through it. The second part was seeing how the local culture operates, which we’ve been seeing through you. Eventually we’d want to see how other humans react to coming to Equestria, which is why I say it wouldn’t be a big deal if your brother or someone else came with you one day. The last part is seeing how other ponies react to going through. Just based on my experience, I can’t say it’d be great, but that’s why we need more data on it.”
“Wait, are you- when- mmm…” She frowned as she tried to gather what she wanted to say. “I… I know I read about that eminent domain thing and you talked about it a little bit before, but hearing it like that just now makes it seem a little bit like you’re just using me and spending time with me for that…”
“No, absolutely not,” she assured her. “I do like learning about you and learning what Earth is like. A little bit of it is about this project, but I also genuinely like spending time with you.”
“Okay, that makes me feel better,” she smiled. “But um, if you… if you’re ever going to just up and close the worldgate, will you let me know beforehand? I really don’t want to be caught off guard by it disappearing one day.”
“I’ll absolutely let you know, but that won’t be for months at least, or even years,” she told her. “There’s nothing to worry about anytime soon, so-”
“Ah, god damnit!” Katrina interrupted as she quickly ran back out of Equestria, hearing her front door open again. “I forgot about Jase! I’ll see you later!”
Katrina heard her brother calling for her just as she was closing the trapdoor, appearing behind her the moment after her closet was firmly locked.
“I did it!” he proclaimed as she greeted him, grinning at his apparent excitement. “They told me I got the job! They want me to come in on Monday to start training!”
“That’s great,” she told him with a smile. “I didn’t think you’d find something so fast. I’m happy for you.”
“It only took me twenty-two years, but I actually got a job,” he joked. “That’s the power of positivity. I always knew it would kick in someday.”
“Or, you know, maybe you actually tried for once,” she quipped cheekily. “But I actually am happy for you. It’s a good thing, and it’s great to see you doing something. I’m proud of you.” With that, she reached out to him to share a hug in congratulations.
“You act like such a girl, Mark,” Jase told her after she released him a few seconds later, wearing a sheepish grin. “You’re acting like Mom would. I mean, granted, it is a pretty amazing accomplishment, but still. You didn’t have to hug me.”
“Wow, a brother can’t congratulate his sibling and give him a hug anymore without being called a girl? What has the world come to?”
“God damnit, I’m so fucking stupid! What is wrong with me?” she asked herself. “Why am I slipping up so badly?” Even as she thought it, she knew the feminine pronouns she wanted to use on herself were on the tip of her tongue. She had to concentrate on not calling herself a girl when she spoke.
“Well since I did such a good job,” he said as he took off his shirt and sat down on the couch in the living room, “you should get me a present. You know, since I got a job so quickly. I did it in under twenty-four hours. That has to be some kind of record.”
“I’m sure it is,” she responded, “and your present is going to be you being able to stay here with me. I’ll even get Arby’s to throw in a paycheck for you every two weeks.”
“I’ll take it,” he decided, pausing for a moment before declaring, “I’m gonna go take a shower… are you wearing a ponytail?”
“Yeah?” she answered, doing all she could to not scream at herself in frustration. “It makes my hair easier to manage when I head out,” she explained, only partly a lie. “Is there a problem?”
“No. It’s just that I’ve never seen you wear your hair like that before. And what were you doing in that closet? You weren’t putting on that dress, were you?” he asked. “Ooo, I bet you were, weren’t you? I knew it!”
“Did you not see the three million hoodies I have in there?” she asked, desperately wanting him to get the idea out of his head. “I told you before I was gonna go out shopping. I can’t just not wear a hoodie when I go out.”
“Oh yeah, because you like to give yourself heatstroke for some reason. I do remember that about you. Anyway, I’m going to the shower now.”
“I’ll be here,” she told him as he left, taking his seat on the couch. She sighed and closed her eyes to rest for a moment, cursing at herself for the mistakes she was making. It had only been a couple of days and she already felt like she had completely given herself away. The thought of it made her want to cry, and she had her eyes shut tight in frustration. She was acting like a complete idiot.
She thought about what Twilight told her. The mare didn’t care if someone else came with her to Equestria. She said she wouldn’t even be bothered by several people. That was something to consider. It would make it easier to admit certain things about herself if the time came, when the time came if the last few days were anything to go by. She knew how unbelievable it was to say who she was, and could only imagine how amazing it would be to be able to be herself on Earth, too, in front of her family. Maybe…
Maybe it was just as well that didn’t happen. She wasn’t sure how most of the people in her life would react to it, other than her father, who she knew wouldn’t take it well at all. She was better off where she was at right now. Jase would get a job, she could keep going to Equestria in the afternoons, and live her life how she was, even if she was getting extremely frustrated with having to face stepping back into the cloud of dysphoria she lived in.
“What are you thinking about?” Jase suddenly asked as she opened her eyes again, sneaking up on her, apparently already done with his shower.
“Nothing,” she automatically replied. “What days do you work? Monday through Friday?”
“They said I’m gonna train Monday to Friday next week, and then after that my days will be Thursday to Sunday and Tuesday.”
She filed that in the back of her mind, making a mental note to relay that information to Twilight so she would be able to have a consistent schedule. In the few months she’d known her, she knew she liked staying organized like that.
“Which means we can go out to the bar every Sunday and Tuesday,” he added with a smile. “I’ll even buy since I’ll have the money to.”
“No thank you,” she said quickly. “One: drinking is gross and you shouldn’t do it either. Two: I don’t really like going out.”
“Wow, Mark, you’re just as boring as you used to be when we still lived together with Dad,” Jase told her. “You didn’t like going out then, too. You haven’t changed at all in, what, nine years?”
“Guess I haven’t,” she said simply, silently thinking to herself that she wished she had. “That’s just how it is being an adult.”
He smiled cheekily at that statement, telling her, “I’m gonna get you to come out of your cage, just you wait.”
“I doubt it, but you can certainly try,” she told him. “Can you go get me my laptop?”
With that, the conversation ended, Katrina chatting around online until the time came for her to go to work again. She did largely the same things the rest of the week, avoiding her urge to go into the closet until Monday despite Twilight saying it was fine to bring her brother.
“Wow, it’s been a little while,” the alicorn said as she greeted her, giving her a quick hug as Katrina sighed in relief from the dysphoria. “Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, it’s just my brother, Jase,” she explained. “I know you said you don’t really care, but I am still worried about him. I really don’t want him finding out about this place,” she told her, silently adding, “And me.”
“It’s okay, I understand. Actually, I was wondering if I could make a trip to your home sometime in the future. After all, you’ve been spending all your time here learning about Equestria. It’s high time I make a trip to Earth again. I’m sure you’ll guide me and keep me from hurting myself, right?”
“Huh? Uh, yeah, sure.” She was caught a bit off guard by the question, but didn’t mind the idea. In fact, she sort of enjoyed the thought of being able to show her around places like Twilight did for her. It seemed like fun.
“We can actually go right now if you want to,” she continued. “My brother just started a job, and he’s gonna be there until six. That’s a good five hours.”
“Can we? It would be amazing if we could.” Twilight blushed and said, “I might have already packed a few things to bring with me a couple of days ago. I thought about going before you came back, but with what happened last time, I wasn’t willing to risk it alone.”
“It’s a good thing you didn’t because I have both sides of the door to the portal locked,” she said. “But yeah, we can go right now. You said you had stuff? Are you wanting to leave immediately?”
“Sure! Just let me send a quick letter to Princess Celestia and my friends, and we can be off.”
It wasn’t very long before they were walking into the closet. However, before they went through the worldgate, Katrina stopped to tell the mare something.
“Before we go through,” she said, “I know you know how I look on that side, but I just want to remind you that it’s- it’s bad. Please don’t… just look at me differently after this, okay?”
“I won’t look at you any differently,” she assured her. “I didn’t before and I won’t now. I promise. And honestly, you didn’t even look that bad from what I remember.”
With that assurance, Katrina took a breath as the two stepped through, changing into humans. She could feel Twilight’s eyes immediately make their way to her, the princess wanting to comment but refraining from doing so. She looked down at her feet in shameful embarrassment, but rather than saying anything about herself, she pointed to the ladder.
“Just be careful,” she instructed, flinching at how masculine her voice sounded, completely embarrassed by the fact that this was the first time Twilight was hearing what it sounded like on Earth. “Move one limb at a time. I’ll get behind you to catch you if you slip.”
“I know how to do it,” Twilight responded. “It’s just been a while since I’ve been a human. I’m not coordinated enough for this.”
“I understand. Luckily after this you won’t need to climb up anything else. All of what matters in my house is on the main floor.”
With that, Twilight began to climb, moving slowly but surely until the two of them were climbing out of the trapdoor into her closet.
“Wow, this is much different than I would have expected,” Twilight commented as she looked around the small space. “I expected there to be more books, and the space to be larger. I see the dress Rarity made for you though, and… There are a lot of jackets in here. Why so many of them?”
“That doesn’t matter,” Katrina told her quickly as they stepped out into the hallway. “Let me show you my house.”
The two walked around, Katrina showing off her home and describing the little things that Twilight didn’t understand. She thought it was funny that the princess didn’t know what a microwave or television was, and cringed a little bit when she flinched and grimaced at the contents of her fridge. There were a few small hiccups, but all in all, it was a decent enough time.
“So, what do you think?” Katrina finally asked as the two of them sat on the couch.
“It’s a bit different from what I expected after being in the mirror world,” Twilight said, Katrina not really knowing what she was referring to but not asking anyway. “I already knew there was no magic here, but you can really feel the difference. It’s like the air is thinner here.”
“I don’t feel any difference between Earth and Equestria, but I’ll trust you on that. Well, not anything about the world itself that is.”
“Anyway, I can see why you would like living here. It’s very lovely. I have to say, I’m a little bit envious of you, even if the colors seem a bit more muted here than they do in Equestria. It feels a little small, but it’s rather large compared to all the other homes in Ponyville. It’s somehow large and cozy at the same time, and has a sort of personalized feel to it. It helps me think about what I should do to decorate my castle.”
“It is nice,” Katrina agreed. “The best house on the block. It’s why I bought it. And yeah, I do agree that the colors over there are brighter.”
“It’s quite nice, and I want to thank you for having me. I mean, it’s only fair though, what with how many times you’ve been to my castle. Oh! Do you think you can show me that program you use to make friends with creatures that live far away?” she asked, getting out paper and pens from her bag. “I’d love to know more about that.”
Katrina obliged her, showing her the basics of how the program worked and quickly describing as best she could the concept of the internet. “It’s like a kind of library,” she said. “Like how you can check out or donate books to the library, you can download or upload information to the internet.”
She didn’t dwell on that though, instead helping Twilight set up an account on Discord (which the princess thought was an amusing name as she explained the draconequus who went by it). Then she logged in on her phone so she could help introduce her to her friends, smiling widely as she did so.
“There are so many ponies- err, people- in here,” Twilight commented. “Do you know all of them?”
“Not all of them, but most,” Katrina said. “I’ve talked to all of them at least once though. I’d consider about twenty-five or thirty of them my close friends.”
“And you said this is a community you built?” Twilight asked. “All of these creatures are here because of you specifically?”
She smiled bashfully at that comment. “I guess you could say that. Most of them are anyway.”
“That’s quite the accomplishment! And with this device, you can just pick it up and take it with you wherever you go so you’re never alone. It’s remarkable.”
“Eh, not really, but thank you, I appreciate it. Anyway, I have all the channels organized. Music, art, games, general- it all has a place, which I know you’ll appreciate.”
“Organized activities are something I do always appreciate,” Twilight agreed with a smile. “I love how nice and neat it all is. You even have a section dedicated to talking about your stories.”
“Yes I do. It’s a nice place I tried to make and I love everyone in here. It makes me very happy to be able to just be myself.” She couldn’t help but smile gladly at that thought. The fact that all of her friends saw her as she was gave her a nice, happy feeling.
“I’m sure it does,” Twilight said. “I’d love to implement something like this in Equestria. It’d be remarkable if we could do so. Do you think there’s a way I could take this machine with me to Equestria? I’d really love to study this more closely and see what other kinds of communities there are.”
“Um, unless Equestria has internet, it’s not going to work. I’m not sure if my wifi will be able to-”
Suddenly, she was being interrupted by the front door lock turning and Jase entering, much to the surprise of both Katrina and Twilight. He wasn’t supposed to be here until much later.
“You know what’s the best?” her brother said automatically, not waiting for someone to ask. “When you go to work at a new job and halfway through the first day, the manager says, ‘actually you’re supposed to start next week.’ I can’t think of anything better than that.” He finished it with a scowl on his face, indicating his sarcasm. “Also,” he continued, turning to Twilight, “who the heck are you?”
“Dang it, dang it, dang it,” Katrina thought as she forced herself to keep her jaw unclenched. “Why does this have to happen? Why is the universe so against me?”
“Oh, I’m-” Twilight started before she was cut off.
“This is the friend I was telling you about before, Katrina,” Katrina told her brother calmly, glancing at Twilight for a second and noticing her immediate disapproval at the lie.
“Oh, you’re that girl that Mark said left her dress here,” Jase said as Twilight glanced at Katrina for a second, making a face at her, almost glaring. “Honestly, I thought he was lying and secretly bought it for himself,” he joked. “He’s trying to convince the world he isn’t a gay femboy or a trans girl, himself included.”
“I didn’t lie,” Katrina lied, cringing hard and wanting the conversation to end. “What are you doing home so early again? Also, that’s a very rude joke to make in front of people and not a particularly funny one at that.”
“Whatever, Mom,” Jase replied, rolling his eyes but clearly still being flippant. “Anyway, apparently the person who’s supposed to train me isn’t going to be able to until next week, and no one else wanted to because they don’t get paid enough. So basically I sat in the lobby for about five hours until the manager told me to just go home and come back next Monday. He said I’d still get paid for it though, so that’s, like, a fifty dollar check for me next week at least.”
“That sounds very unorganized,” Twilight commented. “I can’t imagine working for a business that doesn’t schedule its employees for the right days, especially its new ones. A business should run like a well oiled machine.”
“Well, he doesn’t have a choice because he has to be employed,” Katrina said. “At least, if he wants to stay here. Anyway, did you want to continue in my bedroom?”
“Wow, okay. I see,” Jase said, pretending to be hurt but smiling anyway. “You don’t want me to meet your girlfriend? I see how it is. You’re clearly embarrassed by me.”
“I said before that she’s not my girlfriend, and I am embarrassed when you say things like that,” she told him, standing up to offer her hand to the Equestrian as she picked up her laptop. “Let's go, Tw- to my room, Katrina,” she stuttered, her heart racing with every word.
“Uh, sure thing, uh, Mark” Twilight said, making another face and not taking the hand that was offered to her. They entered her room a few moments later, Katrina locking the door for privacy before flopping onto the mattress.
“Oh, this is so bad,” she whispered, just loud enough for Twilight to hear, afraid that Jase might be trying to listen. “Why is this happening? I hate this so much.”
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Twilight replied, a slight tone in her voice. “That’s your brother, right? He didn’t seem like somepony- err, someone- who would be upset if you told him that you were transgender. You said before he said he wouldn’t care.”
“I know!” she interrupted loudly, closing her eyes for a second before going back to whispering. “I know he won’t care, but… it’s not something I’m ready to do. Maybe you don’t look at me differently, but I know he will. I can’t- I just… I can’t.”
“Well, I can understand you not wanting to say anything, but I don’t think lying to your brother so blatantly is a very good idea, especially if you have to get other ponies involved in those lies. I know how you’re feeling, but a lie like this makes me uncomfortable to have to go along with.”
“I’m sorry, I know it’s not a good idea, but it’s- it’s just a mess that’s been created because of that portal. I was managing myself decently until then, and now all of this… I hate this so much! I like the nice feeling I have being myself, but I- I don’t- ugh!”
She took a deep breath to calm down, wanting to stay in control of herself. There was a long silence that started to build as she closed her eyes, one that she imagined would stretch on forever, had it not been interrupted.
“Is there any reason why you can’t tell him right now?” Twilight suddenly asked, catching her off guard.
Katrina paused for a moment, surprised at that question, and thought it over. “No, but-”
“I know I’ve only known you for a few months, but I hate seeing you like this,” Twilight told her. “If you’re dead set on not doing anything, then I can understand wanting to keep your feelings a secret. But it doesn’t seem like that’s what you want to do, and it doesn’t make sense to not say anything if you already know he’s not going to care. It’s better than making up lies about it.”
“It’s hard though!” she said, barely able to force herself to use a harsh whisper. “That’s the problem! If Earth were as nice as Equestria, it’d be a lot easier to just say okay and transition! It’s not though! It’s just- it’s hard! I know he won’t care, but still!”
“Do you think waiting is going to make it easier?” her friend asked. “You said it before, you felt like you were just wasting time, so I honestly can’t see why you would put yourself through this when you don’t have to, especially if you’re starting to make up lies about it and including other creatures in them.”
“I know! I know that! I know I shouldn’t be making up lies about you and that I’m just wasting time doing nothing when I should be transitioning, or at least doing something, but- but… god!” Now she did yell, clenching her fists and putting her knuckles against her forehead. “I just can’t do it! I don’t know why I can’t, and I know I should, but I can’t fucking do it!”
“You don’t have to curse at me,” Twilight muttered. “I was just saying my opinion.”
“I know you’re just saying your opinion,” Katrina snapped. “I’m just stressed out and frustrated with being told shit I already fucking know! I don’t need to hear that you’re just saying because I’m not fucking stupid!”
“I’m just trying to help,” Twilight said irritatedly, rolling her eyes. “You don’t have to yell at me.”
There was a long moment of silence while the energy in the room cooled down. Katrina buried her face in her pillow as Twilight sat on the edge of the bed, both of them taking a breath to cool off.
“If you want me to,” Twilight said softly after a long moment, “I can help you. I don’t know how much help I’d be able to offer, but I can try my best. Or you can both go to Equestria and show him who you are on that side if it makes it easier.”
“I- I- I… I don’t want to be pushed,” she told her quietly, having a slightly nervous tone. “I know you’re trying to help, and I know I need it. I need to be pushed for something to happen because I’m never going to do it myself. I don’t want to waste my life hating this body as much as I already have, but I really, really, don’t want to be pushed to come out. I’m sorry. I know I’m just a complete mess.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Twilight sighed disappointedly. “It’s just hard to see you hurting and afraid to do something about it. I told you before that I wouldn’t be able to go through what you are.”
“Thank you for talking to me and being my friend,” Katrina told her quickly. “I know I’ve been talking your ear off about this since I’ve met you, but it really means a lot to me. I appreciate it. And I’m sorry for cursing at you and yelling at you.”
“No trouble,” she replied politely. “I didn’t mean to pressure you into something you don’t want to do. Do you have anything to drink?”
“Yeah, I can get you something,” she said, wiping any wetness she might have had out of her eyes.
“Actually, I’m gonna get up to go with you too,” she said. “I left my bag in your living room, and I really want to make notes on that Discord program you were showing me.”
“Um… I know it’s rude to ask, but… can you keep lying for me? Just for a little while? Please?”
“I…” Twilight trailed off with a sigh. “I’d really rather not. I can call you whatever you’d like me to, but having you call me Katrina, that’s not really the same thing. I’d rather not tell a lie like that.”
“Oh, okay. I understand,” she sighed sadly. “I- I won’t do that anymore. I’ll tell him it was a joke or something.” She wondered if there was any way she could spin it to make it seem like a joke and that she wasn’t actually who she was, shaking a little bit at the idea that this might be it.
On that note, the two got up and headed for the kitchen, passing by Jase who was sat down on the couch in the living room, looking at his phone. Even just passing through though, she could feel his eyes on her like before, and caught him staring when the two turned to head back to the bedroom.
She didn’t say anything as her heart pounded, only staring back at him, using her eyes to ask what he wanted to tell her, hoping it wasn’t what she didn’t want to hear.
“Hey, uh…” Jase started, using a hand to rub the back of his head. “This is kind of awkward, but I might- and let me heavily emphasize the word might in this situation- might have heard a tiny, tiny bit of the conversation you were having in your room. Not that I was eavesdropping, I do want to make that clear, but uh...” He trailed off, chuckling nervously as he looked at her for just a second. It was more than enough to tell her what she didn’t want to hear.
“Oh my god,” Katrina’s voice cracked as she closed her eyes and shivered. “I… I’m just gonna go lay down and die now,” she said as she put a hand up to her face and turned away, running back into her room.
Somehow, she didn’t cry even though she wanted to. She did feel a heavy tiredness work over her though, one that made her sigh. She was tired of all that had happened. She was tired of hating herself and hiding that hate, of having to manage dysphoria every single day of her life, of being such a coward. She was such a coward. She could’ve been somewhere else in her life had she not been.
She was too much of a coward to say how she felt and do something about it, even to herself up until that portal appeared. Whether or not that portal had appeared, this was always going to eventually end up happening. Maybe if she weren’t a coward, she’d have the guts to say it instead of letting people figure it out for themselves, but no. The person she wanted to be was permanently out of reach to her because she couldn’t work up the nerve to do something. She knew that, and she hated that knowing that would change nothing. The knowledge of those things made her tired.
Despite the Equestrian being in her home, somehow she fell asleep, waking up a while later to sun in her face from her window and the sound of voices talking. She sighed loudly and turned towards the door, keeping her eyes closed. She felt terrible, even more so knowing that Jase and Twilight were probably talking about her, but didn’t move to get up. Even if it was hard being alive, even as happy as it made her to be able to be herself, she wanted everything to go back to the way it was before she found that portal.
Eventually, as though knowing she’d awoken, someone walked into her room, stopping right in front of the bed. She didn’t open her eyes though. She didn’t care who it was. She just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend that what had just happened didn’t happen.
“Hey,” Jase started, sounding like he had a smile on his face. “How’s my favorite sibling?”
She didn’t answer, only giving a tiny sniffle in response. She opened her eyes briefly to look up at him and saw that he did indeed have a smile on his face. She let out a breath at that and moved farther back into her bed away from him.
“You know,” he started again after a moment, “the Chiefs are gonna play in a little while. You gonna watch them? I already turned the channel to ESPN. You gonna lay in bed and miss their first game of the season?”
“I don’t care,” she answered in a whisper. “I really don’t. I just want to be left alone.”
She thought he would leave with that statement, but he stayed, staring silently at her for a long moment. She knew he was trying to think of what to say, and she dreaded what it might be.
“I know I asked this before, but I’m gonna ask again anyway,” he finally said. “Are you trans?”
Katrina sighed at his question. “You already know the answer to that,” she replied in a frustrated whisper. “I basically put it on broadcast for the whole world to hear because I’m a complete idiot.”
“So that’s a no then, right?”
She looked up at him and glared, watching him give her a goofy smile. She scowled frustratedly at him before grunting and turning over. “I’m not in the mood for joking. I’m really not.”
“Well, after you said you wanted to lay down and die, that girl you’re with talked to me about you. All I have to say after that conversation is that if you really think I care as much as you think I do, then you’re just as big of an idiot as I thought you were when we lived with Dad.”
“Wow, thanks for the support,” she said sarcastically. She turned back around to see him still smiling, and tried to muster up the strength to return it with one of her own. However, before she knew it, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“Whoa! Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Jase told her quickly. “I won’t joke about it if you don’t want me to. I’m sorry.”
“I just didn’t want you to know,” she cried, shutting her eyes tightly and shivering as she did. “I wasn’t going to ever tell anyone. God, I’m so fucking stupid!”
“I’m not sure why you think you shouldn’t tell anyone,” he responded. “I really, truly, utterly do not care, and I’m pretty sure about ninety-five percent of people don’t care either. I honestly can’t see how it would matter at all whether you were trans or not. You already act like a girl and look kind of feminine with how long your hair is. I’m not sure why it really matters.”
“It- it’s easy to say that you don’t know how it matters when it’s not something that impacts you every single second of every single day…” she said as she tried to wipe away her tears. “I hate this body so much.”
“I don’t get that, but you’re right, it doesn’t impact me at all,” he said. “That’s exactly my point. I don’t care.”
She blinked at him at that and he continued, “I don’t care, and if I did and said I hate you for being trans or something, you’d reserve the right to beat me up… err, tell me off and never talk to me again. You shouldn’t care what other people think. If someone doesn’t like you because of how you feel, then you should just cut them out of your life because they clearly have their own problems they need to work on. In fact, if you want me to, I’ll beat up anyone who says they hate you. You show me where they’re at and I’ll do it. I promise… with my words anyway. I’m not gonna physically hit someone though, so don’t go expecting all that, but I’ll tell them off.”
“Wow, I-I guess y-you’ll be my knight in shining armor then, won’t you?” she replied with a cracked voice and a small smile before grimacing. “That sounded so much less revolting in my head than it did out loud.” She didn’t bother wiping the tears off her cheeks as she looked at him.
“Yeah, don’t go looking for all that from me. But you are a trans girl, right?” he asked as he looked down at his sister. “You’re not, like, non-binary or some other weird thing, are you?”
“No, I’m just the base level of weird thing,” she replied. “I haven’t leveled up that far yet.” She paused for a moment before continuing, “Actually, I’m not really ready to joke about it. I can’t do that. But uh… yeah.” She blushed and looked away at that for a second before looking back at her brother. She wanted to portray some semblance of confidence despite her red eyes.
“You know, thinking about it, a lot of things make sense now in hindsight, but I’m gonna assume you don’t want to think about that. Do you want me to call you a girl and stuff? Cause I will if you want me to.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” she said, quietly adding, “but it would be very nice if you did, and would make me smile.”
“Well, I know I don’t have to, but I will if you want me to. Do you have a name you want me to call you?” he asked. “I bet it’s Marlene or Michelle or Mary or something.”
“Be confident,” she told herself as she looked up at him. “Be brave. No more being a coward. I don’t have time to keep being a coward.”
“I- um… it’s Katrina,” she said shyly, wanting to look away but forcing her eyes into his as they widened.
“Wait, that’s your dress?” He couldn’t help but laugh at that, continuing, “I’m sorry, but I think that’s funny. I can’t believe I was right on my first guess! That was a joke! Also, how could you lie to me like this? I’m gonna be heartbroken for the rest of my life now because of you.”
“Oh well, that’s just how it goes,” she replied, her voice cracking as she tried to make a joke. “But… thank you. I- I feel a lot better, even if I really didn’t want this to happen. I… I think I’m feeling more confident somehow.” She felt a little embarrassed as she added, “It feels nice to say it out loud and talk about it.”
“No need to thank me,” he told her. “That’s what your little brother is here for. I’m just that good.” He bent down to wrap an arm around her shoulder as he continued, “You’re my favorite sister, and it’s a good thing you are my sister, because hugging my brother would be a lot more awkward. I have a certain manliness standard to maintain. You wouldn’t understand though, cause you’re a girl.”
“St-stop it!” she told him, now thoroughly embarrassed, but smiling and laughing as she hid her face with her hands. “You really don’t need to do that!”
“You know what? Fuck Sam. You’re my favorite sister. I’m gonna tell everyone and make sure they all know it.”
“Please don’t tell anyone,” she said seriously, giving him a look to let him know. “I really don’t want other people to know unless I tell them. Please, please do not tell anyone, okay?”
“Well, I think I want to now since I now know that you don’t want me to,” he grinned. “I could use this against you so much.”
“I’m being serious,” she tried to tell him, nervousness creeping into her voice. “I don’t want anyone to know. Please.”
“What are you gonna give me if I don’t?” She clenched her fists at that and opened her mouth to say something, but after a moment, grabbed her pillow and screamed into it.
“Okay! I’m sorry! I’m not gonna joke about it! I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“Please don’t joke about telling someone,” she begged. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack if you do. I’m really putting every single ounce of trust I have in you right now.”
“I will not tell anyone unless you say I can, okay?” he assured her. “But once you allow me, I’m gonna let them know. Sam’s gonna be so jealous that I met her sister before she did. Anyway, I’ll let you be. You can go back to sleep now if you want to.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “Okay. Thank you. It’s- thank you. I feel better, I think, even though I kind of want to have a heart attack right now.”
“I didn’t realize I had the power to kill people with humor. I will try to make sure my jokes do not give you a heart attack in the future.”
“Um, and I actually lied,” she said, getting up as she wiped her eyes. “I actually do want to watch the Chiefs.”
“Wooooow, another lie? How am I ever gonna trust you again after this, Katrina?”
“I didn’t realize humans cared so much about their team’s sports,” Twilight commented as the three of them sat on the couch. Jase was looking at his phone as Katrina stared at the TV with a scowl.
“Well, normally the Chiefs play better than this,” she replied, not turning away. “Maybe if they wouldn’t drop passes that hit them right in the freaking hands…”
“Mark- err, Katrina- really likes football, if you can’t tell,” Jase said. “They’re probably the only one in our family who does, other than our dad. You wouldn’t believe how many Sundays they spent just yelling at the TV all day.”
“I can tell she’s deeply invested,” Twilight said, writing things in her notebook as she watched along with her. “It does look like it takes a great deal of hand-eye coordination to play, and looks quite dangerous. How many people do you think are watching along with us?”
“I don’t know. It’s Monday Night Football… probably twenty million people? Maybe only a third are actual fans of either team. Most just have it on to watch because they’re interested.”
“Huh, now that’s something. I’d be curious to know why that-”
“Aaaaaaand it’s over,” she said, quickly grabbing the remote and turning off the television. “I’m done for the night.”
“Oh? You didn’t want to watch the rest of it? I thought this was your favorite game.”
“I don’t normally stop watching three quarters of the way through, but that pick six was just completely awful. I don’t think we’re coming back from twenty nine to three with under twenty minutes left.”
“Oh, well, okay. If that’s it, I do have to get back home now, although I’d love to come back tomorrow, if that’s okay.”
“Uhh…” Katrina looked to her brother, who was paying very little attention to the two of them. “Are you sure? I know you said, um… but…”
“It doesn’t matter to me. I said before that we need to do more testing and see how other creatures would react. I have no issues with him coming over.”
“What are you two talking about?” he asked, suddenly looking up from his phone. “Are we going over to her house now?”
It was a scary thought to bring her little brother to Equestria, but not nearly as terrifying as it was before. He already knew what she was, so all that was left was… breaking the laws of physics and reality as science knew it and showing him another dimension. She suddenly realized that up to that point she hadn’t thought much about the fact that it was a marvel of science that such a thing was even possible. However, she chalked it up to being distracted by other things.
She took a breath as she said, “Jase, I want to show you something. It’s- it’s completely unbelievable. But you have to be… you can’t freak out, okay?”
“I mean, you already told me you’re a girl who’s been pranking me for all these years,” he joked. “I don’t think you can surprise me more than that, unless you’re about to show me a collection of dead bodies. I will be very surprised if that’s the case and will immediately freak out. But other than that, I should be fine. What is it?”
“We’re going to show you,” Katrina said a bit nervously as she got up, Twilight and Jase getting up after her. “Follow me.”
“If you’re gonna show me the dress, I already saw that, remember?” Jase said as they made their way toward the closet. Katrina took a few seconds to unlock the door as he continued, “I pointed it out to you actually.”
“It’s not that,” she said as she bent down to lift up the trapdoor, exposing the ladder leading down to a familiar place. Twilight didn’t waste any time heading down, moving slowly and carefully as she did. Katrina, however, looked at her brother to see what he was thinking.
“Well, you know what they say,” he told her after a moment. “Ladies first.”
With that, Katrina climbed down, Jase following after her. By the time they made it to the bottom, Twilight had already stepped through the portal, leaving the two of them alone.
“Are you two trying to prank me?” he asked as he looked around the small room, his eyes settling on the door. “What’s going on here?”
“I’m gonna be completely serious here,” she said as she looked him in the eye. “You’re gonna walk through that door and be taken to another world and be turned into a horse. I need you to not freak out when that happens, okay?”
“I want you to know that you’re getting my hopes up. If I don’t turn into a horse now, I’m gonna be very disappointed.” There was a pause between them before he continued, “Once again, ladies first.”
“I- I want you to go first,” she told him, looking at the floor. “I know you already know… certain things about me… but I still think it’d be better if you went first.”
He shrugged at that, replying, “Okay. If you say so.” He didn’t waste another second, immediately opening the door and stepping right through. She took a breath during the moment of silence after he left before she heard him calling her name.
“Mark? Hey, Mark!” he yelled from Equestria. “I know you said that this would happen and not to freak out, but I really didn’t think this would happen!”
Katrina closed her eyes and took a breath, pushing down her nervousness as she stepped through. The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was Jase looking at his new hooves, moving the limbs to test them out. As strange as it was, she thought he looked largely the same, now a pony with a white coat and a short blonde mane, sporting a picture of a chef’s hat on his flank. She watched him pick his head up to look around silently at the room they were in, doing his best to process what was going on.
“Okay Mark,” he started as he turned around. “I will admit that I’m more than a little freaked out, but… you… you’re a girl!”
“Yes I am,” she said simply, quietly, with a serious tone in her voice as her brother hung his mouth open. She thought she’d feel embarrassed or awkward by what she was here, but those feelings didn’t come. All she had was that same sense of peace and wellbeing that always accompanied her when she entered Equestria.
“You… you really are trans?” Jase asked, blinking at her as he ignored the world around him. She nodded and he continued, “I don’t know why, but I honestly thought you and that other girl were joking about that! And we’re horses in another world, and what the hellis going on?”
“I told you to not freak out, remember?” she told him, giving a little smile. “What happened to being disappointed if this didn’t happen?”
“I’m not freaking out! This is me not freaking out! What do I have to be freaked out about? Nothing, because I’m not! Tell me what’s going on!” As he said it, he looked around the room again before down at his shaking hooves, doing his best to keep calm.
“It’s okay,” she said slowly, putting a hoof on his shoulder, doing her best to not fall over as she did. “We’re fine, okay? I know it’s weird, but you can’t freak out, okay?”
“Okay, okay…” he trailed off breathlessly, trying to gather himself. “I’m trusting you that this… whatever this is… isn’t dangerous. What the heck is going on?”
“It’s exactly what I said,” she replied simply. “We were going to another universe and were going to be turned into horses. You said you’d be disappointed if this didn’t happen, so I’m surprised you’re so freaked out.”
“I was prepared to be disappointed,” he argued. “How did this happen? How is this possible?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I do know that Twilight, that girl who was with me, said she used magic to build this all. I got a private message on Discord about some agency taking over my house, and then there was an earthquake, and now… well, this exists.”
“That seems unbelievable. There has to be something more to this story,” he answered, looking around the room and back at himself again. Katrina only shrugged as he asked, “How does all of this work? This doesn’t seem like it should be possible.”
“I have no idea. You have to ask Twilight about that one. I’m pretty sure it breaks the laws of physics somehow.”
“I should ask the alien in an alien world that built a portal to turn me into an alien, is that what you’re saying?”
“Uh, yeah, pretty much,” she answered nonchalantly. “That’s probably the best way to describe it. I’ve been coming here practically every day though, so I can say it’s not as bad as you probably think it is.”
“I can only hope you’re telling the truth after hearing so many lies,” Jase tried to joke. “And you. Are you- I really, truly thought you were trying to be funny and prank me. Are you sure that horse is what you are?”
“Um, yeah,” she answered flatly. “I mean, I’m not a horse, but yes, I am a girl. I kind of wish I wasn’t though. The dysphoria I have is… really bad.” She looked away shyly as she added, “I can’t see how you thought I was joking though. I cried right in front of you…”
“So wait, did you just figure out you were trans by coming to this place?” he asked as he stepped carefully up to her. “How long have you known? How long has this door existed?”
“It’s been here since, like, the first week of June,” she explained, “but I’ve known since well before then. As for the other question, I… I don’t know. I was probably seventeen or twenty or somewhere around that age when I realized? I don’t know, but I was definitely living away from Dad at the time, or I was just about to move out.”
He didn’t respond right away, looking around the room and at himself for a moment before asking, “Are you sure? This isn’t, like, some gigantic elaborate prank, is it? I know you’re being serious, but I need you to tell me that you definitely aren’t joking and that this is all real life. I was joking before because I really, truly thought you were joking, too, with how obvious you were making it.”
She made a face at that as she said, “I’m not joking, but I wish I were. If I was, then it’s a prank that’s been in the works for years. I’m pretty sure you remember that time when I was fifteen and I cried in front of everyone when Dad forced me to cut my hair. God, I felt so bad when that happened...” She silently cringed at that memory before continuing, “Or here’s something else. The voice I have here? This is what the voice in my head sounds like on Earth. It’s sounded like this for as long as I can remember.”
“Wow, this… this is so strange. I lied when I said it makes things make more sense. It really doesn’t. You- this might be weird or insensitive or something, but you really don’t seem like you would be trans. I honestly thought you were messing with me because of that dress and me messing with you about it. And you’re a horse, and I’m a horse, and- and… are you sure there’s not a gas leak in here or something that’s messing with our heads? This cannot possibly be real life.”
“He’s not joking around anymore, so at least it’s sinking in for him,” Katrina thought, ignoring his question. She stepped up to the door that led to the library and opened it, pausing for a second to take in the view before turning back to her brother. His mouth was still hanging open as he looked into the room, able to see the crystal walls and the pony that was Twilight sitting at a table from his position.
“Are you sure we should be going in there?” Jase asked as she looked back at him. “It could be dangerous or something.”
“I’ve been through here probably several dozen times. It’s not dangerous in the slightest. Also, remember how I told you to not freak out? The Jase I know wouldn’t hesitate to explore more.”
“Yeah, well, the Mark I know... I’m gonna keep the joke I wanna make to myself because it’s probably very rude. And I didn’t say I didn’t want to explore. I was just gonna say you’re a girl so that makes you weak, and I’m a big strong man, so I should go in first.”
“Ah, of course. How thoughtless of me. After you then.”
He hesitated for only a moment before carefully stepping through, Katrina following behind him. She couldn’t help but notice how easily he moved, lacking any of the awkwardness and incoordination she had. She felt jealous looking at it, but put that thought out of her head as Twilight waved a hoof, smiling and directing them over to her.
“Hello again Katrina, Jase,” she greeted. “I was gonna ask what was taking you so long but I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation.”
“I was just asking him if there was a gas leak in here and if we needed to call Poison Control, but it turns out it was a false alarm and it’s just me coming to grips with the fact that aliens exist and that my brother’s been lying to me for years.” Jase paused for a second at the look Twilight gave him and added, “He told me he didn’t even want to watch the Chiefs, and yet he did. All I can do is shake my head at that.”
“I can understand that you’d find it a bit surprising,” Twilight smiled at the joke. “As far as I understand, Earth doesn’t have anything like this. Do you mind if I interview you? The more creatures I have in my report, the better.”
“Sure, I’ll let you interview me and experiment on me,” he responded as he sat down in front of her. “What the heck could go wrong? I’m just an alien who managed to jump to another universe.”
“Haha, well I won’t experiment on you, but why don’t I start off by asking what…” Katrina largely tuned out the conversation as she walked around the library. It was the third time she’d come out, the first that it was to someone who actually knew her.
It went much differently than she imagined it would go. She expected more resistance, more tears maybe, something. Not that she was upset with what she received. It was just strange to her. But it did give her more confidence that she could come out and be herself. She closed her eyes and took a breath, somehow letting even more weight slip off her shoulders with that thought. It felt so, so nice to be able to be herself.
“Hey, Mark! Errr, Katrina!” Jase suddenly called after a while as he and Twilight stood up from the table. “I wanna go exploring.”
Katrina could tell that Jase was largely disappointed as he quickly learned that Ponyville was already quite similar to Earth, despite lacking technology or humans. Still, he answered the questions Twilight had as she appreciated the setting sun, seeing Equestria at night for the first time and being able to view a sky full of stars.
“I can’t believe we’re in an alternate universe and it looks exactly the same as home,” Jase complained. “I mean, not exactly the same, but it’s not alien. It’s just looking at Earth five hundred years ago except with a lot of horses. This is fucking bullshit.”
“You’re literally a pony in what Twilight says is another dimension, and you’re complaining about the scenery?” Katrina smiled. “I think you’re just being picky.”
“Yeah, well, you’re the one who said you’re trans, so who’s actually the picky one here?” Jase joked. It only earned a visible cringe from his sister, who stopped in her tracks.
“Please- please don’t… let’s not, okay?” she said. “I’d really prefer it if you would not say things like that, please. I already feel awful enough about myself as it is.”
“Sorry. Bad joke. I won’t do it again. Uhh… did you know you’re very cute? If you weren’t my brother- err, sister- I’d definitely ask you out.”
“Okay, you’re making it worse. That’s disgusting. Please don’t ever say that again because I’ll vomit if you do.”
“Sorry.”
With that, the trio walked in silence, back to a park that Twilight and Katrina had visited before. The night was cool as they sat in the grass under a tree, a few ponies still out and about. Katrina closed her eyes and adjusted her tail as Jase stared out at the landscape, occasionally looking down at his limbs as if to confirm that he was indeed still a pony. Twilight glanced between the two of them for a minute before she broke the silence again.
“So you’re Katrina’s younger brother?” she asked Jase casually. “How much younger are you?”
“Four and a half years,” she answered for him, keeping her eyes closed. “To the day, too. His birthday is May 17th and mine is November 17th.”
“How many siblings do you have again?” the mare asked. “Including yourself.”
“There’s four of us. Older brother, then older sister, then me, and then him. Our brother is twenty-nine I think, Sam’s twenty-seven… no, twenty-eight, and then twenty-six and twenty-two for us.”
“Mark’s the most successful out of all of us though,” Jase added, going back to the smile he usually wore. “He went to college and everything, didn’t you?”
Katrina could practically feel Twilight flinch at her brother’s words as she said, “I… I don’t think… maybe you should-”
“It’s fine,” she interrupted. “I don’t expect him to change a lifetime of knowing me in a day or a week, or even a year honestly. Right now, as long as he tries, it’s fine.”
“Awww, you’re so nice to me,” Jase responded with that same joking tone he always had. “But yeah, Ma- errr, Katrina went and bought a house and everything. Even as much as he likes to brag, Trent can’t claim that, can he?”
“I guess not, but he really does make like two hundred thousand dollars a year, which is probably more than the rest of us combined, even including me.”
“It sounds like a very interesting dynamic you all have,” Twilight commented. “I only have one sibling, a brother named Shining Armor. But I still love him very much, and my parents, too.”
“Eh, I try to love them all, but they make it difficult sometimes,” Katrina admitted. “But it is what it is. What can you do?”
“Aw, come on, I don’t make it that difficult, do I?” Jase said. “I’m your favorite brother, right? You have to at least give me that title. I mean, Trent can’t possibly compete with me.”
“How about you can be my favorite little brother?” she did her best to joke back. “I’ll even let you be my favorite younger sibling. You’ll be the king of them all.”
“Awww you’re so nice to me, thanks,” he responded, the two of them earning a giggle from Twilight. “Also, you looooooove me?”
“I will disown you right now if you keep saying things like that, Jase,” Katrina scowled. “I swear I will if you keep it up.”
“You’re no fun. Sam would appreciate my humor. You’re officially my second favorite sister.”
“That’s because you and Sam are both disgusting heathens.”
“You two act just like brother and sister,” Twilight interrupted. “It’s very fun to watch. If it’s possible, I’d love to meet the rest of your family, Katrina. I have to get back home now though. I have to prepare for a meeting with Princess Celestia early tomorrow, and then I have another long day of school to teach. I expect that you know your way back to the castle from here by now, right?”
“Yes, I know. I’ll see you tomorrow, right? If you want to, we can go out to a park close to my house.”
“Yes, that sounds very lovely. I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, she was off, leaving the brother and sister sitting alone under the tree.
“Is that your girlfriend, Mark?” Jase asked after the mare was out of earshot. “Also, shouldn’t you be at work right now, logged into your phone?”
“No, she’s not, and yes, I should. I honestly completely forgot after everything that happened. But it’s fine cause I can just call in for today when we get home.”
“And you’ve just been coming here every single day and turning into a horse and hanging out with aliens without me?”
“Yes, I have been, but in my defense, the plan was to never let anyone know I was trans ever and just use this place to manage dysphoria until I died. You, uh, you kind of screwed that plan up by needing to move in with me.”
He nodded silently at that, quiet for a moment before saying, “This is gonna sound weird, but even with… all of this and being a horse, I’m kind of more interested in you right now. I just wanna ask you a whole bunch of questions. Can I just, like, go all out?” Katrina shrugged and nodded, and he started, “Are you just gonna live here for the rest of your life and abandon us?”
“Of course, he starts with the hard question first,” she thought as she answered, “I don’t know. I like how I feel being here, but… to put it simply, this to me feels like roleplaying. As magical as it is, I want the magic to happen to me on that side, too. I told Twilight this, too. If this is as good as it gets, I’ll take it, but I want to be able to be myself on Earth, too, where I don’t trip over my hooves or have to adjust my tail or be a pony. Being a pony makes me uncomfortable.”
“Huh. I thought you were going to say yes to that,” he trailed off. “Now that the shock is kind of wearing off, I have to say, being a horse feels kind of nice. I would move here if I could.”
“Yeah, well, being a horse makes me uncomfortable as hell,” she told him. “Not as uncomfortable as I feel having to be a man, but still. I can’t really say I like it very much.”
“I can’t possibly see how you would dislike it, either of those things. I mean, look at me! This is amazing!” He grinned as he looked down at himself. “I’m a horse! This shouldn’t be possible, and yet here I am!”
She couldn’t help but roll her eyes and sigh at that. Of course, he liked being a pony. She once again felt jealous of him, unable to stop the thought that it was just another way she was broken. Hearing it made her sure that anyone else who turned into a pony wouldn’t care as much about it as she did.
“So then do you plan to, like, transition and stuff?” Jase asked. “I’m not sure how the others will take it, but I know Dad wouldn’t like it at all. Although, to be fair, I’m not sure he’d like it very much if you said you were gonna be moving into an alternate universe and living the rest of your life as a horse. That might be slightly worse to him in my estimation.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t really care what Dad thinks. If he wants to hate me, then he can hate me. I’m done playing everyone else’s game. I just want to be myself. It’s not Dad’s life to live, or anyone else’s.”
She couldn’t believe she was actually saying that. Just a few days ago, she was talking to Twilight about how she thought she would be a coward for her whole life. Now though, she felt like she was ready to tell the whole world. Maybe she could even tell her Dad about who she was soon.
She gave a little shiver at that thought. “Maybe I’m not at that point yet, but it’s one step at a time. After I do though, maybe I could...”
“How did you figure out if it wasn’t this place?” he asked. “Like, what did it?”
“This is the part where you’re gonna think I’m kind of stupid,” she said, then sighed. “I remember little things, like trying on Sam’s clothes when no one was around when I was fourteen and being jealous of girls puberty and falling asleep at night to imagining myself being a girl, but it never, like, set in for me. Maybe I was in denial or something or just completely oblivious, but I never associated the word ‘trans’ with myself, even given all of that. And then one day, I don’t know how old I was, I guess we’ll say twenty, I was browsing around online and just stumbled across an article that said ‘signs of dysphoria’ and read through it, it all just clicked in my head. All those memories of being a teenager came back and actually made sense now.” She paused for a moment before adding, “It was probably the scariest moment of my whole life. I remember crying for the entire afternoon because I didn’t want it to be true.”
“Next question. What does dysphoria feel like?” Jase asked. “You said you had it, and I think I know. Do you, like, hate yourself?”
She sighed as she explained, “I just- I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Looking at myself, having to feel the sensation of body hair, listening to my voice, it just repulses me and makes me want to cry. And it’s just every second of every single day. It doesn’t stop over there, and I hate it with my whole being. I hate feeling that way.”
“That seems very weird to me,” Jase said. “I mean, I understand what you’re saying, but I can’t imagine that, like at all. Actually, maybe… well… no, never mind. I was gonna say being a horse sounds like that, but being a horse is amazing. I mean, look at this cute white hoof! It’s adorable, even on a clearly alpha male like me.”
“Oh yeah, Jase, I’m sure you’re an alpha male,” Katrina chuckled. “You just give off that energy, obviously.”
“I’m glad you think so,” he joked back. “But yeah, no. I don’t get that at all.”
“Well, maybe a good analogy is this: imagine you’re covered from head to toe in syrup or something. It’s the stickiest syrup you’ve ever felt, and no amount of washing it off would ever get rid of it. And you were just constantly sticky all day, every day, except everyone else assured you that you were fine and they couldn’t see any syrup on you and didn’t feel it when they touched you. It’d be frustrating as heck and you’d feel super gross and eventually you’d start to think that maybe everyone else is secretly frustrated too and feels just as sticky as you. But no, they don’t. You’re the one that’s not right and it turns out it’s not normal for everyone to feel that way. And they can’t comprehend why it would upset you so much because they can’t see it or feel it. It’s like that, except times one thousand.”
“Yes, that would be very annoying,” Jase agreed, nodding thoughtfully. “I can imagine why you’d be so upset with yourself if that’s how you felt.”
“It’s not fun at all,” she confirmed.
“You know, it’s weird to think that you hear that voice in your head all the time, the one you have right now. Do you really not, like, hear your regular voice? At all?
She shook her head at that, saying, “If it makes any sense, it’s weird to speak out loud and not hear this voice come out. I can’t help but think that this is what I’m supposed to sound like, and it hurts to talk and hear the wrong thing.”
“Huh. That’s strange to me. But I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have done something sooner or told anyone before. You said you knew since you were twenty? How come you didn’t start doing something then?”
“Because I… I can’t help but feel a little bit ashamed of myself for feeling like this. That was the overwhelming feeling I got for months after I read that article. I felt so ashamed for feeling like this and being this way, and I still kind of do. I shouldn’t feel like this.”
Katrina sighed and continued, “I’m just a big fat coward and very stupid, so cowardly and stupid and it took me accidentally outing myself to you to start to get completely fed up with being a coward. I’m done trying to manage dysphoria. I just want to be myself.”
She didn’t know what was different now with Jase than it was with Twilight and Sylvia. Maybe it was the fact that he was family. Somehow, though, the words he told her hours ago stuck with her. She shouldn’t care what other people think. It was a common phrase she’d heard throughout her life, but now the phrase made her want to take the risk and do something to fix herself, as scary as it was.
“Understandable,” her brother replied simply. “It sounds like the very worst experience possible, so I can see why you’d want to do something.”
“It is. I don’t like being sticky.”
“So, like, you are gonna transition and stuff, right?” he asked. “I’m just curious because I know a lot of people wouldn’t really like it if you did.”
“I don’t know. I- I really don’t know. But the idea of it feels much better to me after talking to you, even if this whole conversation started because of an accident.”
“Awwww, that means I helped,” he smiled. “I’m glad.” He stood up to stretch as he said, “Now show me more stuff. This is supposed to be an alien world in an alternate universe. There has to be more to it than just things that look like Earth.”
“Maybe tomorrow, okay?” she told him. “I do need to get back and get some semblance of work done.”
“Well, fine, but I’m gonna hold you to that. If it turns out this is all a prank and is gone by tomorrow, I’m going to be very upset. Can we at least take the long way home though? I wanna see what there is to see.”
“Sure, we can take the long way home since you want to. And no, this isn’t a prank.”
“I can only wish this was a prank,” she thought sadly to herself as she looked around at the world then down at herself. “Still, I’m so much closer than I have ever known.”
Katrina did as she promised and took the long way back home, walking slowly so her brother could appreciate the scenery. Eventually, the two of them found themselves at a fork in the road, one side having a sign indicating that the Apple Family orchard was ahead. The castle was in clear sight down the other path, but she already saw Jase heading down the other fork.
“Hey, it’s this way,” she told him as he walked. “You can see the castle right-”
“I wanna see more stuff!” he interrupted as he turned around to her. “You have all night to be awake. I know you stay up until five-thirty every morning. That’s, like, eight hours from now. This is supposed to be an alien world, and I want to see alien things.”
“Didn’t you get sent home from Arby’s until next week? We have all day tomorrow to see whatever you want to see, okay? I’ll go to sleep early so we can have more time.”
“Yeah, well, you’re saying that now, but before I know it, you…” He trailed off, looking at something in the distance intently, a serious expression on his face. It got Katrina to turn around to see what there was, finding nothing out of the ordinary. A second later, she heard him galloping away, laughing loudly, and frowned when she realized the trick.
She muttered to herself as she set off after him, slightly jealous that he didn’t trip over his hooves or step on his tail as he ran. It was something she still couldn’t do after having spent what had to be hundreds of hours here, and yet he picked it up in a fraction of the time, moving as naturally as everyone else she saw. She was grateful that he at least stopped and waited for her once he got farther ahead. He was still laughing when she got up to him, and had a look that said he was proud of what he’d done.
“I can’t believe that actually worked,” he told her. “I’m pretty sure I’ve used that trick on you before, and you fell for it again.”
“You act like a child, you know that?” she reprimanded. “Ten years and absolutely nothing has changed about you.”
“If you can believe it, Dad said that very thing about me just a few days ago,” he smiled. “What a coincidence!”
“Yeah, well, he’s right about one thing,” she decided. With that, she shook her mane out of her face and continued forward. “Let’s go, since you want to act like a twelve-year-old.”
“Awww, you’re the best sister ever,” Jase replied happily, following after her.
Katrina hadn’t been to this part of Ponyville before, but she had to assume with the way Applejack talked about her apples during the few times she met her, this was where she lived. It wasn’t long before they were heading into an orchard of apple trees, one that bore a tremendous amount of fruit.
“How do they pick all of this?” Jase asked as he looked around. “They don’t have hands and horses can’t climb. Do they just wait for them to fall to the ground? That seems ridiculously impractical.”
“I don’t know,” Katrina answered. “They have magic here though, so I assume they use that.”
“They have magic here, too?” he asked, sounding surprised. “That- I- no, I’m not ready to believe that. Now I know that that’s a lie.”
“We’re both ponies in an alternate universe, and yet you’re not ready to believe that magic exists?” she asked.
“Nope, my big truths limit is all used up for the week,” he responded. “You already told me you're trans and we broke the laws of reality. I won’t be accepting any more truths for the next three to five business days.”
“How do you think we got here?” she asked. “Twilight said she used magic to build that portal to turn us into this. I mean, if it breaks the laws of reality, it has to be magic, right? That’s what Arthur C. Clark would say.”
“And I’m gonna pretend that’s not true, and… eat this apple while I do it.” As he said it, he picked up a piece of fruit off the ground with his teeth, one that Katrina could see was obviously covered in dirt and a bit overripe.
“Don’t eat that,” she told him. “That looks gross, and you’re gonna end up getting sick.” He looked right at her, pausing for a dramatic moment before his teeth started to sink into it.
“For crying out loud, it’s covered in dirt!” she yelled at him. “What in the world is wrong with you?”
“What are you, my mom, Katrina?” he asked as he chewed. “Nothing in this world is wrong with me. I’m an adult. I can do what I want, and what I want is to eat this apple. Besides, I’m a horse. That means I shouldn’t mind a little dirt, right?”
“You are absolutely nasty, Jase. I can’t see how we can possibly be related. When you get sick, it’s gonna be your own fault.”
“When I get sick, it’s gonna be worth it, because this is the best apple I’ve ever eaten despite how soft and overripe it is. I know horses like apples, but I didn’t think it’d taste this amazing. You should try it.”
“No thank you,” she responded. “I don’t eat food off the ground. And I bet it didn’t taste as amazing as that casserole Spike cooked for me.”
“You had a casserole?” he asked. “How does a horse cook a casserole?” As he said it, he started to laugh hard at the idea, falling on his back in a fit. It got Katrina to laugh a little bit at how silly it sounded.
“Well, for your information, it was a dragon that cooked me that casserole,” she told him. “And you start by not putting dirt in it, for one.”
“Ah, okay, my mistake,” he responded jokingly as he got back up. “Since it was a dragon, I guess that means-”
“Can ya keep it down over there?” someone suddenly interrupted in a thick, Minnesotan accent. The two of them turned around to see who it was, only able to see a few animals in the distance. Pigs, cows, chickens- nothing that would speak to them, or so they thought.
“Creatures are tryin’ ta sleep, doncha know?” the cow closest to them said, catching both Katrina and Jase by surprise. “Don’t go makin’ a ruckus this late at night.”
“I- uh, sorry,” Katrina apologized awkwardly. “We, uh, didn’t know anyone was around this far out.”
“Doncha go stealin’ the Apple Family’s apples either,” she continued, sending a scowl Jase’s way. “They work plenty hard tendin’ ta this here orchard fer you ta go stealin’ things from them.”
“Well, it was on the ground, and overripe, so I assumed it was okay,” he said, blinking at the animal. “Also, you’re a cow.”
“Ya, course I am, what of it?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s just weird is all, the kind of weird thing I’d expect to see from an alien world,” he explained. “I mean, what does a horse need a cow for? Horses don’t eat meat, unless they do here. And if you can talk, why are you in a fenced area? Can chickens talk? What about the pigs? What’s the line between what’s a farm animal and a person if both horses and cows can talk, but one horse owns a castle?” He suddenly gasped as he asked, “Are you a slave? Do they have slavery here, Katrina? Why did you bring me to a slave world?”
“Calm down with ya!” the cow told him. “I ain’t a slave, and I’m offended ya would think so!”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m family, that’s what I am! Applejack and the Apples treat us like family. She feeds us and cares for us, and in return, we let her have our milk to make cheese and butter with.”
“But-”
“Now get on with ya, before ya go wakin’ up every creature on the farm!”
“So then you guys are farm animals, right?” he asked curiously. “This is a farm?”
“Get!” she demanded with a scowl, using a hoof to point in the direction they came. Reluctantly, they turned and began to walk back, but before they got far, Katrina spoke to the cow.
“Please tell Applejack I’m sorry for any trouble we might have caused. Especially my brother? He didn’t mean to offend you, he’s just not that smart.”
“Hey!”
“Well… I guess it’s alright. Just make sure he doesn’t go sayin’ those things again, ya hear? And I guess since yer oaf of a brother liked even the overripe apples on the ground, AJ won’t mind. Just don’t go buckin’ down apples, else there will be a problem.”
With that final thought, the two finally began to leave, heading back to the castle that was still in sight. It was only a minute or so until they were both out of earshot and Jase began to speak again.
“I can’t believe I was arguing with a cow,” he started. “And the cow won, somehow. This really is an alien world.”
“I can’t believe it either,” Katrina agreed, “but that’s what happens when you run off to random places.”
“How are there pigs on that farm though?” he asked, glancing back for a moment. “Horses don’t eat meat, and if all animals can talk here, then there’s no use for a pig on a farm at all. Cows make sense, and I guess chickens for their eggs maybe? But what does a pig do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe that dragon I met, Spike, eats pork? That would make sense but… I don’t know. Anyway, can we go back now? I do have to work at some point, as it turns out.”
“Yeah, we can go back. I don’t feel like arguing with some other farm animal today. Although it seems weird that horses are the superior race here. Are there any humans?”
“I don’t know. Twilight made it seem like there weren’t any, so that would be my bet.”
“This place is so weird. This day has been so weird. It’s like a dream. Are you sure there’s not a gas leak in your house and we’re not on the floor dying right now? It would explain why we turned into ponies and the gas leak could be convincing you that you’re a girl.”
“I am one hundred percent certain that that’s not happening. If it was, then I’ve been breathing in the gas for over fifteen years.”
“Well, you know I had to ask. You can never be too careful when your brother turns into your sister.” She flinched a bit at that as he continued, “Or hey! Since you’ve known for fifteen years, that means you’ve always been my sister, for at least most of my life anyway.”
“Well, if that were true, maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself all the time,” she sighed. “But thank you for talking to me,” she quickly continued, smiling at him as they walked. “As nervous as I was, I feel a lot better now that you know, a lot more confident in myself. Thank you.”
“Awww, that’s what little brothers are for,” he smiled back. “I gotta protect my older sister.”
That statement made her blush and smile, letting herself enjoy the night as they walked back home.
Despite her newfound confidence, Katrina still found herself doing largely what she’d been doing for the next several weeks. She headed into Equestria in the afternoons, now often accompanied by her little brother, and managed her dysphoria on Earth. As they spent time together, she noticed how he took to being a pony much quicker than her, his body moving naturally, like he was born for it. It made her jealous, and only highlighted more of why she couldn’t move to Equestria. Being a pony wasn’t something she was born for, unfortunately enough. It was something he clearly was though, seeing how much he talked about wanting to move there.
A few times though, Twilight came to Earth, and she tried to show her the world she lived in. She felt a small drop in the contrast between how she felt in Equestria and on Earth, and at first thought it meant that her dysphoria was coming back on that side. She nearly had a heart attack at that thought before realizing she was actually feeling a little better on her side. She didn’t know what it was at first, taking a little while to realize that it was Jase’s referral to her as a female. It was something small, basically nothing, but it made a world of difference.
There was one day she decided to try and be brave and wore her dress around the house for a full day. She didn’t go out, she wasn’t that brave yet, but it still felt like a step in the right direction. Not to mention, it made her extremely happy to do, even if only one person was around to see her.
Even if it was only in front of Jase, she felt horribly nervous stepping out of the bathroom that day. She was certain that he would call her on for being a man in a dress, but he did nothing of the sort. In fact, he didn’t pay very much attention to her at all.
“I’ve seen women wear dresses before,” he explained, only glancing at her as she stepped out. “It’s not like it’s the shock of the century. Now if you came out wearing a tuxedo, that would be a bit of a surprise, since girls don’t wear those that often and you don’t seem like the type that would want to.”
It made her blush and cover her face with her hands in embarrassment, but smile behind them anyway. She was a woman, wasn’t she? Just a girl wearing a dress. As simple as a thought it was, it made her unbelievably happy to think.
She found herself waking up one snowy November afternoon to knocking on the door, which surprised her. Hardly anyone ever came over, at least not through the front door, and before she knew it, Jase was letting the person into her home.
“Hey!” he called. “Trent and Dad are here, just so you know.”
That got her eyes open and her brain more awake. “I’ll be right there,” she replied. “I just need to shower and shave and get dressed and stuff. Give me fifteen minutes.”
“Just come on out here, Mark,” her older brother called, sounding annoyed. “Don’t keep us waiting.” She flinched at the name but didn’t do as requested, going through her daily routine before coming out, her family members sitting on the couch, talking amongst themselves.
“Sorry, I’m already very ugly, and I didn’t feel like coming out looking as horrible as possible,” she told them, not really a lie.
“I don’t know why you’re always so concerned about your appearance, son,” her father said. “You look perfectly fine, even if you could stand to put on some muscle and cut that wig of yours off. You look like a fine young man.”
“Thanks, Dad,” she rolled her eyes, doing her best not to get upset by it. “Anyway, what are you guys doing here? You never came over before.”
“Yeah, well, Jase was here so Dad figured that he and I could come and wish you happy birthday.” Trent said it with the same serious, flat tone he always had, and it almost made Katrina roll her eyes.
“Okay, I know Sam’s in Georgia, but why isn’t Mom here, too? We could’ve made it a whole thing with everyone in one place for the first time in, what? Ten years?”
“When Trent told me he was coming, I asked Mom to come, too, but she said she has to work today,” Jase explained.
“Ah. Well… welcome to my humble abode,” Katrina declared, taking a place on the couch with the other three of them. “I didn’t expect you guys to be here, so I didn’t really have anything planned for today, so… do you guys have any ideas?”
“We don’t have to do anything, son,” her father told her. “What’s wrong with just staying here and having a conversation? I mean, you just drove right off when you and him came to pick up his stuff.”
“You didn’t say anything, so I didn’t know you wanted to talk. And I just said we don’t have to do anything and that I didn’t have anything planned. I only wanted to know if anyone had any ideas. We can eat at a restaurant and have a conversation, if everyone wants to, or just stay here. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“You know, that’s the problem with your generation,” her father continued. “You all wanna go out and do big things instead of just spending time at home with family. Whatever happened to just watching television and having a nice dinner?”
“Can we not get into this?” she asked, the frustration starting to enter her voice. “I just said I don’t care what we do. I really don’t want to get into this right now.”
“You’re the one making it a big fricken deal with all that backtalk you always give me. I can never just tell you something without having to hear that mouth of yours run.”
“I literally just said three times that I- nevermind. I don’t care. I’m not getting into this on my birthday.”
She couldn’t help but constantly push back against him. The two’s relationship had been on the rocks for as long as she could remember. It wasn’t any one thing, but a bunch of little things that had snowballed into what it was now. She still loved him, that much was certain, although she couldn’t say she particularly liked him.
Katrina watched her father roll his eyes as the group now sat in silence for a minute. The awkwardness was building and might have continued on for much longer had Trent not broke it.
“How have you been Mark?” he asked flatly. “Are you still that loner loser you were when we lived together?” He said it seriously like he did everything, not sounding like he was joking or teasing. “When are you gonna cut your hair? It’s almost longer than mom’s at this point.”
“Probably never,” Katrina answered. “It’s gonna go all the way down to my butt, and no one's gonna stop me from having it that long.” As she said it, she moved her head to flick her hair out of her face.
“Well, enjoy it while it lasts,” her father said, “because sooner or later, it’s gonna start to go. Male pattern baldness is a big thing in our family.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Trent agreed. “Mine’s already started to go. I noticed it after I turned twenty seven.” Neither of them had to tell her. She could already see her father’s head, and maybe a bit of Trent’s if she looked carefully. It was a sight that frightened her to look at, that she knew.
“I will take whatever is necessary for me to keep my hair and use every product out there. I don’t care. I’m not giving it up.”
“I don’t see why you’re so concerned about it, Mark,” her dad said. “It happens to everyone. You won’t be able to keep it forever.”
“Well, I’ll do my best to keep it for as long as possible,” Katrina said with finality, hiding her anxiousness about the subject. “Anyway, other than that, yeah. I am still a loner loser. All I do is work all day and talk online and watch sports and nothing else. You can ask Jase.”
“It’s true, he really doesn’t. It’s unbearable.”
“And what have you been doing Trent?” Katrina asked. “Are you still engaged with whoever it is? Jessie?”
“I am indeed, but I don’t know if that’s going to last. I told her I don’t want more than one kid with her because you know I already have two with my ex, but she said she wants more than that. She’s hung up on it.”
“Women are like that,” their father commented. “How do you think I ended up with four of you? It certainly wasn’t me.”
“I wish I could have kids,” Katrina said, only half paying attention to what she was saying.
“Well, if you get a girlfriend, and I mean actually try instead of those half hearted attempts I remember you doing when we lived together, you can have as many kids as you want.” Katrina sighed and rolled her eyes at that, shaking her head a bit.
“It’s the truth,” her brother continued. “Do you think I’m lying to you?”
“It’s not as simple as all that for me,” she said.
“And why would that be?” Trent asked, an almost bored looking expression on his face. Even her father was watching now.
She closed her eyes and took a breath before answering. She might have felt like her heart was going to explode, but she was going to be confident. She didn’t have time in her life to keep being a coward. She was twenty-seven years old today, and she was going to start being confident.
“Well, the first problem is that I’m trans, so…”
Katrina looked at her feet for a second before looking back up at her family, two of which were still watching her, Jase silently looking at his phone, making a face that said he didn’t want to enter the conversation. She looked between them, the silence they gave off making her heart beat faster. She thought they would immediately say something, but instead they stared back, waiting for an explanation.
“Um, I- I also wouldn’t even know how to get a girlfriend if I weren’t, seeing as I stay inside all day,” she quickly added, looking back at her feet again.
“So wait,” Trent started, his voice still just as flat and serious as always. “Do you think you’re a girl or something?” The way he said it, the way he and her father were staring at her, it made her grimace. She wished he said it in a joking manner like Jase might have. Instead, he was completely serious, staring dead at her with an almost slight scowl as he asked.
“I- I mean,” she stuttered, suddenly feeling defensive, “I- I just wanna… I don’t want to keep- I just want to be myself.”
“And you think that yourself is supposed to be a girl?” he pressed, almost accusatory. Her father was scowling now, too, making it obvious what his feelings about her were.
“God, what was I thinking?” she asked herself. “This was such a bad idea. What the heck have I done?”
“Of course you’re trying to be one of those transgenders,” her father started angrily. “I fucking knew it. Why can’t your generation just be happy with who you are? You’re already a fine enough young man, son.”
“I- I’m not- I’m not trying to be anything,” she said. “I just- I- I don’t want to hate myself! I just feel like-”
“Do you think pretending to be a girl will make you stop hating yourself?” Trent interrupted emotionlessly, practically staring right through her. It was painful to hear the word ‘pretending’ coming from him. It effectively told her what she already expected to hear from them and what they thought of her. She didn’t know why, but she thought they’d react better.
“I- I don’t- it’s like, I hate who I am! I’m completely repulsed by it, by everything about me! My body hair and wide shoulders and narrow hips and the sound of my own voice- I hate having to live with myself like this!”
“And you think being a girl will fix all of that?”
“Oh my god, this is ridiculous. What in the world is wrong with you, Mark?” their father asked. “That’s not who you are! Just fucking buck up and tough it out! Be a man!”
“I can’t tough it out!” Katrina finally yelled. “I’ve tried for fifteen years to tough it out, and where has it gotten me? Nowhere!”
The room was silent at that, and Katrina closed her eyes, speaking more quietly now. “For the last fifteen years, I’ve tried to live with myself, and as much as I want to, I just can’t do it. I know it makes no sense and I know this isn’t something I should want, but I can’t help it. If I could not be like this, I wouldn’t be, but it just hurts too bad to live like this. I hate this feeling with my whole being.”
“This is ridiculous,” her father said as he rolled his eyes. “You’re out of your fucking mind, you know that? I can’t listen to this shit.” With that, he stood and stomped his way out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
“Wow, happy birthday to me,” Katrina said grumpily, flicking her hair out of her face. “I should’ve known better than to say anything.”
“It’s okay,” Jase said, finally looking up from his phone and smiling awkwardly now that their father was gone. “You’re still my favorite sister, Katrina.”
“Katrina?” Trent asked. “Is that supposed to be your name now? Do you really think pretending to be a female is going to make you happy?” No malice or disbelief was in his voice. There was nothing except for a plain seriousness at the question. It made her flinch when she heard it.
“Well, she wouldn’t be pretending…” Jase said, only looking up for one more moment before going back down to his phone.
“I’ve gotten a lot more confident in myself over the last several months,” she replied, mustering up a little more confidence. “And it’s not like this is out of the blue for me. I didn’t just come to this conclusion yesterday. I’ve known for years, except I chose to do nothing about it. But now I’m fed up with doing nothing.”
“And you’re sure you’ll feel better doing this?” he asked once again. “If you feel as bad about yourself as you say you do, a therapist or psychologist would be my recommendation on the next step for you to take, and then they would be able to direct you out from there. Saying that you’re a female now wouldn’t make any mental problems that you might have go away.”
“I don’t hate myself, I hate my body. It’s this body that makes me feel absolutely terrible every single day. Do you not remember me declining just about every single invitation to go out with friends? Me staying trapped in my room unless it was absolutely necessary to go outside? Obsessing in the mirror and hating pictures and hardly speaking at all when I did have to be in public?”
“Yes, I do remember those things. I always associated them with typical teenage depression. What I’m saying is that you should be seeking professional help rather than rushing to conclusions or starting on solutions that will probably make you feel worse overall. What you’re saying is dysphoria could be something else altogether.”
“I’m not doing anything right now, and I’m not rushing to- actually, I’m not doing this,” she said. “Did you and Dad drive here separately, or did he pick you up?”
“I picked him up and came here,” he answered. “I did notice though that you gave up on responding to my-”
“That’s because I want to show you something,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to spend my birthday debating how I feel. I’d rather just show you once Dad comes back in, if he comes back in. You’re gonna be in for a surprise.”
It was a while before Katrina’s father came back in, walking into her house covered in snow. She did her best to going back to a casual conversation with her brothers, but after a few unsuccessful minutes, decided to get up to make lunch. She was in the middle of preparing it when he came back in, setting himself on the couch, his face still showing a deep scowl.
“What are you making in there, son?” her father finally asked after a long moment of silence.
“Macaroni and cheese and Reubens. I don’t have corned beef though so I’m substituting in ham instead.”
“Then it’s not a Reuben. All Reubens have corned beef. That’s what makes it a Reuben.”
“I know, I just said I don’t have corned beef,” she replied irritatedly. “I’m not as stupid as you think I am, Dad. Do you want one?”
“Yeah, I’ll take one. Also, happy birthday, Mark.” He had a tone in his voice that said he couldn’t care less either way. She could practically hear him rolling his eyes as he said it.
“By the way,” Trent broke in, “Apparently Jase said Mark’s name is Katrina now.”
Her father didn’t comment, only shaking his head and letting out a breath as he rolled his eyes again, turning on her TV.
“Chiefs are playing the Jaguars tonight on NBC,” he said, not looking over to her. “You gonna watch the game? Or do you not like football anymore, either?”
“Yes I will because this is how I’ve always been,” Katrina told him. “Literally nothing about me has changed.”
“Oh, that’s rich. You’re just gonna drop a bombshell like that and then say nothing about you has changed? Get out of here.”
“It’s not like I woke up yesterday and decided ‘Hey, you know what would be great? Being slapped in the face with dysphoria every waking hour’ like you think I did.”
She knew it wasn’t good to snap at her father about something like this, but with the way their relationship was, it was force of habit. She knew her attitude wasn’t going to be doing her any favors though if she kept it up.
“Anyway, lunch is ready, so everyone get in here.”
The four of them ate a quiet meal, Katrina finishing first and excusing herself back to her room. Once she was alone, she quickly locked the door and moved into a place where she wouldn’t be heard to call her mother. She’d already done the rest of her family. All that was left was her mother and sister.
“Why am I so nervous?” she asked herself, practically sweating bullets as she made the call. “She’d be the very last person in the whole world to care. There’s nothing to be nervous about.”
“Hey mom,” she got out quickly as soon as the phone picked up. “It’s, uh, it’s me, uh Mark.” She practically had to force the name out as she said it, almost shaking from what she was about to tell her.
“Oh, hey sweetie!” her mother said happily. “Happy birthday! How’s your day going?”
“It’s- it’s okay,” she lied. “I- I just wanted to call you to tell you something important. I know you’re busy and stuff, but I wanted to do it right now while I have the courage to say it.”
“Huh? What’s that, dear? I’m glad you caught me on break, but I don’t have much longer left.”
She took a breath and cleared her head for a second before saying, “I’m trans, mom.”
To her surprise, her mother laughed at that. “I already knew that, sweetie,” she said with a lighthearted tone.
“...what?” Katrina asked, blinking in confusion as she tried to process what she heard.
“Well, I didn’t know,” she explained. “But I knew. I mean, you’re my child. A mother is always going to know these things.”
“But, like- how?” she asked, completely surprised. “How did you know? How long did you know?”
“It wasn’t anything in particular,” she said, “but I knew something was off about you since you were probably seven or eight years old just from the way you acted with other kids. I didn’t know what it was, but that hunch started to form when you were around twelve, I think.”
“I…” Katrina blushed at that and asked, “H-have I really been acting like a girl since I was seven? That seems unbelievable to me.” It made her smile to herself at the thought of it.
“It’s the truth, dear. Honestly, you were more feminine than your sister was. I always thought it was very adorable. I didn’t bring it up with your father though because I knew he would be harder on you if I said something.”
“Well, I just told him and Trent, and I don’t think they’re taking it very well, so I guess you were right to not say anything.”
“Well, that’s your father,” she said simply. “I know he still loves you, but we both know how he is. It is surprising to hear that about your brother though. I don’t think he’d be like that, as far as I know.”
“Yeah, unfortunately it looks like he is like that, but it’s mostly just Dad acting that way. It’s not that great to listen to.”
“Don’t I know it. I listened to him for twenty years before we divorced. Anyway, I have to go back to work now. You have a happy birthday, okay sweetie?”
“Okay. I’ll text you later. Thank you for talking to me, mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, dear, and always will, regardless of who you are.”
With that, she hung up, leaving the call smiling widely. It was unbelievable that even here she could feel the weight leaving, even if just a little bit. Just telling her father and brother how she felt was reliving, even if they tried to disagree and argue. She was happy at the idea that she could start being herself, a sharp contrast to where she was in June.
She went to her last family member, Sam, and sent a quick simple text to her. “I know it’s a weird thing to do on my birthday,” she typed, “but I just wanted to let you know that I’m trans. It’s not a revelation I just came to, although I do wish I would have acknowledged it sooner. You can ask me whatever you want, but I do have to go back to spending time with Dad and Trent now. I’ll talk to you later.”
At that, she walked back into the kitchen where the rest of her family still was and grabbed a seat at the table, deciding to wait until they finished lunch before showing them what was in her closet.
“I just want to say,” her father suddenly cut in with a sigh, “that you’ll always be my son, Mark. I know you’re confused about yourself right now, but I think you’re gonna be able to work through this and see who you really are. This… Katrina business, this isn’t you. You and I and everyone here knows that. You’re not one of those people like your friends online probably tell you that you are.”
“I absolutely wish you were right, Dad,” she thought to herself bitterly, forced to keep what she wanted to say to herself. “I wish I didn’t know how wrong you are. At least if someone told me to be trans like you think, I wouldn’t have felt so terrible day after day and year after year. I wish I was as confused as you think I am.”
“I appreciate it,” was all Katrina could offer in return as she stood up. “If you’re all done though,” she continued, “I want to show you guys something. Jase already knows what it is, but you two are gonna see it for the first time.”
“Ugh, what is it now?” her father asked with a tone in his voice, frowning again at that idea. “You’re not gonna show me some makeup collection you bought or something, are you?”
“Just come with me,'' she instructed, standing up and expecting them to follow behind her. She went to the closet she knew well, turning back around once she knew that the other three were with her. She closed her eyes and took a breath to calm her nerves before she spoke.
“Before I show you, I need you to not freak out, okay?” she said to them. “I told Jase the same thing, too, and he was cool about it, so I need you to be cool, too.”
“Yeah, it’s literally out of this world,” Jase said. “If you freak out though, we don’t fault you.”
“What is it?” Trent asked. “You have me curious now.”
Katrina didn’t give him an answer as she opened her closet door, revealing the dress she received from Rarity. Despite how many times she’d seen it hanging up, she’d honestly forgotten about it, and blushed in embarrassment at the sight of it. She didn’t have to turn around to know that her father and older brother were staring right at it.
“If that’s all it is, I think I’m just gonna stand outside in the snow until the pregame show comes on in a few hours. I’m not gonna deal with this bullshit.”
“It’s not that,” she said quickly, pulling the trapdoor open. “What I want to show you is down here.”
She descended first, followed by Jase, then Trent, and her father taking up the rear. She stood in the small empty room until they entered, her older brother staring intently at the sign on the door but knowing better than to go through yet.
“Miss Mark ‘Katrina’ Wiley,” Trent read as her father made his way down. “This isn’t your handwriting if I remember correctly. What’s going on?”
“Just follow me and Jase, okay?” Katrina told the two of them. “And like I said, be cool. Try not to freak out. You’re- it’s- it’s going to be something going through that door. I’ll let you guys see for yourselves what happens.”
“You and Dad should go first,” Jase suggested with a smile. “You know, since I’ve already seen it and stuff. I’ll be right behind you.” The two didn’t need any more motivation, both of them stepping right through as Jase turned to Katrina.
“Do you want me to beat them up for being mean to you?” he asked, feigning seriousness. “I’ll beat them both up if you want me to. Well, not Dad, but I will Trent, at least with my words. I’ll tell him off for being a bad brother and making you sad.”
“What? No! Now’s not the time for joking. It’s very awkward and annoying to deal with, but I’m fine. Let me just handle it and everything will-”
“MARK!” her father yelled suddenly. “WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?” he didn’t sound scared or nervous, but absolutely angry with her, and it made her anxious.
“You go in,” Katrina told her little brother. “I want to wait a minute before they see me, okay?” Jase gave a nod and a smile before he headed on through, leaving her alone.
“Just walk through and show them who you are,” she whispered as she took a breath to calm her nerves, pushing her hair out of her face with a hand. “You already told them who you are, now you have to show them. This is who you’re going to be.”
She took another breath before stepping through the worldgate, changing into the pony version of herself. She was greeted by her father talking to Jase, the former of whom looked a combination between frightened and enraged, and Trent blinking in surprise, looking around the room silently, taking everything in. As much as she feared doing so, she cleared her throat and drew their eyes to herself.
“Hello,” she announced simply, using a hoof to wave. She didn’t feel embarrassed or awkward by their staring as she expected she would be. Instead, she felt relieved at their looks. They may have been shocked looks, or in her father’s case, angry, but she was still glad they could see who she was. She found herself wondering why she didn’t do this sooner.
“Just like that old song,” she thought to herself. “When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And now they do. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I never would’ve imagined being this far five months ago.”
“Are you supposed to be my son?” her father asked angrily. “You’re a god damned horse! What in God’s name are you doing to us, Mark? And you’re just gonna go along with him, Jason?”
Before her little brother could say anything, she broke in, “This is how I know I’ll feel better, Trent. Being here, being a female here, all of that dysphoria I had just completely dissipated. It’s unbelievable how much I can not only stand existing, but actually like existing over here. It feels nice to be able to finally be myself, and I want to have that feeling- this feeling- on that side, too.”
“You’re absolutely insane, Mark! If you want to be a god damned horse, be my guest, but don’t get the rest of us wrapped up in whatever fucking witchcraft you have going on here!”
“I don’t want to be a horse, Dad,” she explained, frustrated that he wasn’t getting it. “I want to be myself. What myself is- that’s a girl. That’s what I want to be. That’s what I am, and I suffered for so long hating being in my own skin because I didn’t want to acknowledge that fact. I am a girl.”
“I don’t care!” he yelled. “Just get us out of here! Fix me right now!”
“All you have to do is walk back through and-” Katrina started, not able to finish as both her father and brother quickly made their way back through the worldgate, Jase giving her a sheepish smile before following behind them. She took a moment to catch her breath before heading back through herself, her father right on top of her once she made it to the other side.
“Don’t you ever, ever, do that to me again, do you hear me?” he yelled, sticking his finger in her face. He didn’t wait for an answer, grumbling loudly to himself as he quickly climbed the ladder back to the top. Before she knew it, she was hearing her front door slam loudly, making her sigh.
She turned to Trent afterward, saying, “I know you think I’m making a mistake, but now you know it’s not something I came up with out of the blue. I also didn’t figure this out by going through that portal. It’s something I’ve always known. That portal just forced me to acknowledge it.”
“I-” he started before stopping himself, taking a moment as he tried to formulate what to say. “I’m… I’m gonna go now guys. I need time to think about what on Earth just happened and I don’t think Dad wants to wait on me for too long. All of that is just… something. I’ll talk to you two sometime later. Happy birthday, uh, Mark… err, Katrina, or whatever you want to be called.” He didn’t say anything else, quickly climbing up the ladder to follow their father out.
“That could’ve gone better…” Katrina sighed, setting her back against the wall. “I expected something like this but I still… ugh. I have no idea why I was thinking anything else would happen. I just… got too confident. I’m letting this all go to my head.”
“Well at least he took it better than Dad did,” Jase observed. “That’s something, right?”
“I guess but… he was probably just doing that to be nice. I know Dad doesn’t like me, especially not after that, and I’m pretty sure Trent isn’t going to want to talk to me anymore, so that’s two out of-”
Her phone buzzed in her pocket, interrupting her and revealing a text from her sister. She pulled it up, expecting to hear some heartwarming words, but receiving something very different.
“Do not text me again,” was the only thing she saw, making her close her eyes and clench her jaw sadly.
“Never mind,” she started again. “That’s three out of five. Sam told me just now not to text her again.”
“Sam said that?” Jase asked, Katrina nodding in response. “That- that’s unbelievable. I’d never expect that from her.”
“Neither would I. I guess that’s what I get for saying I want to be myself,” she replied tiredly.
“I’m sorry, Trina. Can I call you that? I think it would be a nice nickname for you. Or Kat, too.”
“Not right now, okay?” she told him. “I just want to be alone.”
“I’ll talk to them if you want me to. I’m not sure about Dad, but Trent might come around if I talk to him, and probably Sam. Let me see what I can do.”
“It’s fine. Please just let me be alone for now…”
“This was just a big mess…” she thought to herself as she shivered, a few tears dripping down her cheeks. “I just want to be myself…”
“It was just a big mistake,” Katrina said sadly as she laid her head on the table the next day, talking to Twilight in her library. “Dad was angry with me, Trent was apathetic, and Sam told me not to text her anymore. It hurts the most coming from her because she’s the last person I would expect to say that.”
“I’m sorry. That sounds terrible. I can’t believe your family would tell you those things.”
“I was prepared for it though, so it’s not… as bad as it could be. Now they know who I am, which I guess is something. It’s just painful to hear from them that they basically hate me...”
“You said your mother was kind to you, right?” the mare asked. “That’s something good.”
“Yeah. She said she knew I was trans since I was seven, but didn’t say how. It was very weird, especially since I didn’t know until I was, like, nineteen or twenty. All she said when I asked how was that ‘a mother knows her child’. I don’t understand it at all.”
“I can’t say I understand it either. Who knows though? Maybe one day you’ll be a mother, too, and get what she’s saying.”
She blushed at that idea but smiled shyly. “Maybe,” she replied, slightly embarrassed. “Anyway, I don’t mean to drag our time down today with all of my problems. What do you have planned for us?”
“Before that, I want to touch on something,” Twilight said. “You told me that your family came through to this side? What was that experience like for them? How did they react?” She readied a paper and quill, waiting for her response.
“They were only here for about a minute,” Katrina explained. “They kind of freaked out, my dad especially, and he got angry and demanded that I change him back into a human immediately.”
“That was it?” she asked. “They didn’t stay or do anything or interact with anypony?”
“No, they both left as soon as they could. Trent said he had to go process what happened and Dad told me to never do that to him again. I mean, he did text me an hour ago saying that he and I were going to have a chat later, but I think we can both assume that won’t go very well. But yeah, that was it.”
“Huh. That’s certainly interesting. From what I read, humans are much less prone to be stopped by fear than ponies are. I would’ve thought they would just head right on through when seeing something unknown, like you and your brother did.”
“If it had turned me into a stallion, with as clumsy as I am on this side, I might not have kept going, honestly. At the very least, I wouldn’t have kept coming back. But all of that dysphoria left all at once, and it might have impaired my judgment a little bit. Not that this was a bad decision. Right now, I’d say it was the best decision of my whole life, despite yesterday.”
“I’m glad you think so,” Twilight smiled. “Let me write that down in my notes for Princess Celestia. It’d be very interesting to see if a pony on this side walking through to Earth would change to how they saw themselves if they had dysphoria, too. I can imagine a mass migration if that were the case if a public worldgate existed, one that affected both sides. I’m sure no more months of therapy would be a great relief to more than a few.”
“Yeah, I can see that, but not me. I like being here, but what I want to be is on Earth. I…” Katrina trailed off, somehow terrified of what she was going to say next. She didn’t know why though. It was obvious to Twilight what she was planning despite having never said. Still, she practically shook in place as she started to speak again.
“I think I’m gonna… try to start transitioning on Earth,” she said firmly, looking away. “I mean, everyone who matters already knows, so it’s not like I have anything to hide anymore, even if I know most of them don’t like it.” She felt the need to explain herself, feeling slightly ashamed, as though she was doing something wrong. Twilight, however, smiled at her happily and sent kind words her way.
“That’s great,” she told her. “I’m sure it’s not going to be easy, but I’m glad you’re doing what you think is best for you.”
“Well, a lot of it was you,” Katrina blushed. “Coming here every day and you talking to me and spending time with me, it really helped build up my confidence. You didn’t have to help me out, but you did, and I really appreciate it.”
“That’s what friends are for,” Twilight replied simply, giving her another smile. “Anyway, you said you wanted something to do? I heard about a new restaurant that opened up in Ponyville, and I was going to meet Rarity there. You could come along! Let me just send these notes off to Princess Celestia.”
“That sounds very nice,” Katrina smiled.
It was a very nice time she spent with Twilight and her friend, even if she didn’t think the food was that great and was forced to eat with her mouth. As she ate, she thought about how far she had come since first walking through her closet door and coming out the other side, both metaphorically and physically. She wasn’t anywhere at all, and yet this still was so much farther than where she was before. It was almost like she was dreaming, she couldn’t even imagine being here right now. It was a wonderful feeling, knowing that there was hardly anything left to do except for everything she wanted.
“What are you thinking about, darling?” Rarity asked. “You’ve been staring at your sandwich for the last few minutes. Is something wrong with it?”
“Huh? Oh, no,” she responded, shaking her head clear. “I was just thinking about how nice it is to be myself.”
“I’m not sure what in particular you’re referring to,” the unicorn responded as she took a sip of tea, “but it is nice to be able to be yourself, I can agree with that. I know from personal experience that being one’s self can be quite relieving.”
“Hey, I have a question for you, Rarity,” she asked. “Are you trans?” She got a raised eyebrow from the mare in response, and clarified, “I mean, are you transgender?”
“Oh, heaven’s no, darling,” she said. “I’m not sure I would be able to take being a stallion. No offense to any stallions, but it sounds quite dreadful, to say the least… oh! You meant changing from stallion to mare! No, I am not.”
“Oh, I thought you were because of a couple of comments you made before…”
“I cannot claim to be, thank Celestia, but I can say that more than one mare in my circles is, as well as a couple of stallions. Are you, if I can ask?”
“I thought you already knew,” Katrina answered. “You made it seem like you knew when you caught me in the bathroom at that school, and Twilight said you’d probably know what my cutie mark means.”
“Well, I certainly do know what it means, but it’s quite impolite of me to be drawing conclusions based on one’s cutie mark. For that, I can only apologize. But yes, that and how nervous you were acting made me believe so.”
“Ah. Well, now you know for certain. That was why I said it’s nice to be myself.”
“I see. That’s certainly interesting to hear. I’m quite happy to hear that you can be who you are. Oh! About that spa day I told you about before, I was thinking you could come along with me next weekend, my treat. Applejack and Fluttershy will be there as well, but I’m sure they won’t mind you tagging along with us. What do you say?”
“Uh, sure, I can make time for that. I’ve never been to a spa.”
“Oh, trust me, once you go, you won’t be able to leave. Even Rainbow Dash loves it, as much as she hates to admit it. I’ll meet you at Twilight’s castle that day, alright dear?”
“Okay,” Katrina smiled. “It sounds like a nice time. Thank you for inviting me.”
“Oh, you don’t have to thank me. Any friend of Twilight’s is a friend of mine. Oh, as well, whenever you want to stop by my boutique, I can get that makeup supplies into your hooves.”
“I will, thank you.”
With that thought in mind, she finished her meal with Twilight before walking back to the castle, thanking her for humoring her with an outing.
“I really appreciate it,” she told her, “and I’m glad you built this worldgate here. Having this in my life- I’m happier than I’ve ever been coming here. You have no idea how much this has helped me so far.”
“Well, I think I have some idea,” the mare smirked, earning one back from Katrina before she wrapped her in a hug. “You’ve given me lots of useful data for another worldgate should one happen to be built. Speaking of which, I do need to meet with Princess Celestia in a little while and discuss my findings with her. She received my notes, but she always prefers meeting face to face. I’ll see you later?”
“Yes, I’ll be here tomorrow. Thanks again.”
She waved a hoof to leave and stepped back to Earth, quickly making her way back to her room and to her laptop to tell Sylvia about what happened yesterday. Before that though, there was something she had to do, something that once again made her want to pass out from nervousness.
She opened up her web browser and navigated to her primary doctor’s website, getting to the section where it asked her to schedule an appointment. There was nothing in the planner, every day and time available to her. She clicked on one of them to schedule her appointment… and closed it out.
She couldn’t do this. Sure, her family already knew, but she knew they would hate her even more based on their reactions. Not to mention everything else that had to happen once she started down this road. Even as much as she wanted to be herself, was this really worth it?
“You know it is,” she told herself firmly. “You know how bad it is, and you know how good it can be. Now quit wasting time and schedule the appointment.”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, preparing to open up the website again… and her phone buzzed, distracting her. She looked to see who it was and flinched when she read the name.
“What does he have to say to me?” she whispered anxiously as she opened up the text to read, barely able to keep her hands steady.
“I realize in hindsight,” Katrina read, “that, in conjunction with Dad’s reaction, my questioning how you felt and what you should be doing was likely not in the best interest of our relationship and would have given off a bad impression of what my thoughts are. In fairness to myself, it did come seemingly out of nowhere to me, but I do not use this as an excuse. I apologize for any offense I might have caused in my questioning and can only offer that I was concerned about you as your older brother. If that’s who you want to be, then so be it, and do your best to live your best life.
“Jase already stopped by Dad’s house to talk to him, but I’ll speak to him, too, if you want me to. Let me know and I’ll see him when I can get to him. You deserve nothing but the best, and I hope that you can receive it, no matter what you do.
“I’ll see you sometime later, Katrina. Please take care.”
She barely registered that she was crying by the time she finished reading it, blinking in surprise at his words. Trent might have been serious nearly all the time and hardly ever changed face, but their mother was right. He wasn’t someone to hate someone over something like this.
Katrina sighed with relief. Maybe the other members of her family could come around, too.
She didn’t respond right away, using the confidence boost she got from the message to go to her physician’s website and schedule an appointment, typing the reason why with a mixture of nervousness and confidence, and maybe a little bit of excitement. She could do this. The hard part was over. All that was left was everything else.
She had to get up to pace her room once she sent the request, trying to keep her emotions from going haywire. She knew way back when she helped Twilight with her injury that going through that door again would start her down the scary road, and exactly that had happened as she predicted. It was almost comical that she knew this would happen for months and still couldn’t stop it from happening.
Yet here she was on the other side, feeling like she was almost done. Well, not anywhere near done, but the biggest hurdles were taken care of. It hurt so, so bad to just exist, even right then, but even though she was nowhere near done with the road she was on, it was unbelievable to think that there was something better waiting for her.
“I came out to my family yesterday,” Katrina typed to Sylvia. “It didn’t go well, especially with my dad and older sister, but my older brother and mom were much nicer. In fact, if you can believe it, my mom straight up told me she already knew.”
“Haha, yeah,” her friend replied. “My little sister told me the exact same thing when I came out to her. She said she always knew, which I thought was absolutely ridiculous. I’m sorry though that your family isn’t as nice as they should be though. If they’re acting like that and hating you for who you are, then you don’t need them in your life.”
“I hope they come around, but… I don’t know. It’s gonna hurt if they don’t, but I guess it is what it is.” She paused for a second before adding, “I also made an appointment to see my doctor next week about maybe transitioning.” Even now, she felt like it was something she should be ashamed of and keep to herself as silly as it was. All she received in response though was congratulations.
“That is so great! I am so happy for you! You’re gonna love it!”
She smiled, happy for herself as well. Hardly anything about her had changed, and yet everything had changed. She found herself wishing she had started down this road ten years ago.
Her happiness was cut off by a private message that got her attention, this one from that same account that she didn’t know who messaged her about the portal to begin with. She had no idea what they could want and took a look to see what it was.
To one Miss Mark ‘Katrina’ Wiley,
It is by the Crown of Princess Celestia Daybringer and Princess Luna Nightguard that we must inform you that the business which has been conducted in your home since June 1st of this year shall reach its conclusion on February 28th of the coming year. By statute 1003.42.08f, the Crown shall release your residence to your sole possession pending any further action that might be taken, which the Crown maintains the legal right to do for purposes deemed beneficial to the Kingdom and considered just under Article XVII of the Equestrian Constitution.
Compensation from the Crown in the amount of 178,642 bits has been placed into a personal savings account at the Ponyville Local Banking Institute under the name Katrina Wiley on June 10th per the request of Princess Twilight Sparkle and should be received whenever you deem necessary.
For more information or questions regarding the status of your residence, please contact Miss Raven Inkwell by either letter or in pony. You can schedule a meeting with her Highness Princess Celestia by mail if you prefer or enter the open Night Court of her Highness Princess Luna as well at any time.
Katrina waited patiently for her friend for a few hours in the library before Twilight returned. The second she did, she wordlessly directed her to follow her back to Earth and into her room to read what was sent to her. Twilight silently read the message, frowning sadly as she did before giving a look to Katrina.
“Do you know what this means?” she asked quietly. Katrina nodded, and she continued, “What are you gonna do?”
She sighed and closed her eyes, using a hand to move her hair out of her face. She was going to be confident. She could do this.
“I’m going to stay here and transition,” she said. There was no fear, no nervousness, nothing but seriousness painted on her face. “I just made an appointment to talk about it with my doctor next week, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
“I see,” Twilight nodded. “Well, you know I have to tell you that if you’d like to move to Equestria permanently, you can. It’s an offer that still exists for you, given the agreement for the use of your home. I was actually just speaking to Princess Celestia about it a minute ago.”
“I understand, but I want to be myself,” she told her. “Who I am can only exist on this side, even as hard as it’s gonna be. I just want to be able to wake up in my bed one day and have this nightmare end…” She shivered and choked back tears at that, taking a moment to try and collect herself. “I can’t be a pony. I can’t have a tail I always step on and be clumsy and only ever look like the pony version of what I should be. I don’t want to roleplay as me. I just want to be me.” She paused for a moment before whispering, “I just want to wake up.”
Twilight wordlessly moved in to wrap her arms around her, letting Katrina put her head on her shoulder and cry into her neck. She remained silent, having nothing good to say to help, only rubbing her back slowly and softly.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish,” she said tearfully. “I know anyone else in the whole world would gladly accept moving to Equestria in return for having the dysphoria end, but I- I just want to have that over here, too. I can’t be a pony.”
“You’re not selfish for wanting to be happy,” Twilight told her softly. “You’re normal. It’s okay to turn the offer down, even if I can’t understand why.”
“I know this is what I want, but I need someone to tell me that I’m not doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to do this and have the dysphoria come back anyway. I need to know that this will fix me. I’d rather be a clumsy pony who doesn’t want to be a pony than a male.”
“You know that’s not a guarantee I can make to you, Katrina,” Twilight said, finally letting go. “I can only say that you have to do what you think is best, even if whatever that is isn’t what I would do. You know yourself better than anyone else. Only you can say what you should be doing.”
“What if I’m wrong though? I know it’s silly to start asking questions like that, but what if I’m just completely off base and starting hormone replacement therapy doesn’t make the dysphoria go away?”
Twilight looked up in thought before smiling and answering, “You’re right, that is a silly question.” It got Katrina to smile and even laugh a little bit, Twilight giving her another brief hug as she did.
“I know I haven’t known you for very long, but I think you’re a wonderful mare- a wonderful woman. You do what you think is best. I can’t claim to understand it, but I told you before that if your main concern is dysphoria coming back, then I would go ahead. But that’s just me. You do whatever you think is right.”
“I don’t know where all of this came from all at once, but it’s scary. Making a decision like this? It’s unbearable.”
“I can’t imagine anything like it,” Twilight said honestly.
Katrina looked up to the ceiling for a moment before continuing, “It’s also exciting. The fact that I can be myself- myself on this side of the worldgate- just the chance to do that is unbelievable. Even if it’s destined to end in nothing but failure, this moment is amazing. The moment where I can look forward to the future and start to see a road I can travel on. I know I said I’ve known who I was for years, and I have, but… but it feels like right now I’m actually starting to know who I am.”
“I’m so happy for you, Katrina,” Twilight said. “I know you can be who you want to be if you put your mind to it. Although if you do change your mind between now and then, the option is there. Not to mention, this whole thing was to open up Equestria to Earth. I’m almost one hundred percent certain that the opportunity will come again, even if you don’t take it now. We’re talking within the next five years, according to Princess Celestia. Right now it’s just a matter of getting all the legal work together and running a couple more smaller scale tests, smaller than what this was. Honestly, neither of us expected this to go this smoothly. We thought there would be a lot more problems.”
“Well, I definitely, definitely want to come back, first before anyone else, too, but moving here permanently is probably not something I’d ever do. The best I’d probably be able to manage is a long vacation. But I’m gonna hold you to it that you get this all done within five years… somehow.”
“Haha, I’m sure you will Katrina. I’m gonna hold myself to it, too.”
There was a chuckle from Katrina at that, then a small pause before she said, “Thank you so, so much Twilight, for being such a good friend to me. You’ve been a rock I can lean on.” She smiled happily at that as Katrina continued, “I do have to ask you to do something for me before that portal closes forever… err, until you build another one. I know it’s a few months away, but I want to let you know now.”
“Oh?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that?”
It was a frigid day in February that Katrina and Twilight were out walking, the old Incubus song Drive playing on her phone as they made their way to the doctor’s office. Katrina’s heart was pounding as they walked, feeling like it was ready to burst. Part of her wanted to turn and run away, back to the safety of being hidden, but she pushed that feeling down. Being hidden meant being wrapped in dysphoria, and she was done doing that.
The two entered and checked in with the receptionist, casually taking their seats as they waited for her appointment. Twilight had a book with her to read while they waited, but Katrina only stared ahead, letting the words of the song give her confidence.
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
She knew all about that. She could feel it right now. The uncertainty of being who she wanted to be, it was unbearable, and almost made her shake right now. She could say there was almost nothing like it, except for the dysphoria.
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I’ll let fear take the wheel and steer.
She knew exactly how much she let the fear take the wheel in her life. Twenty-seven years, three months, and eleven days if she counted from the day she was born. It was a tad over twenty-seven years too long, and she was absolutely sick of it.
It’s driven me before and it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
She knew that well. The fear was powerful. It stopped her from doing anything and crippled her for much longer than it should have. It forced her to live in a prison each and every day because she was too afraid to do something.
But lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
She didn’t know what took her so long to realize it, but she needed to be the one behind the wheel. Had she been ten years ago, she was certain she’d be in a different place by now. That was her mistake. She shouldn’t have let the fear take hold for so long, but there was nothing she could do to change the past. She could only move forward now and hope she would never let the fear steer her again. Whatever tomorrow brought, she would be there, with open arms and open eyes.
“Miss Wiley?” someone called, Katrina smiling at the feminine referral to her as she got up. Twilight was right behind her as she went to the back, getting her height and weight measured and her blood pressure and heart rate checked before the doctor asked what she was in for.
“I’m here to get the results of my blood tests and pick up a prescription slip, please,” she told her, exuding confidence.
“Oh yeah, I remember, hormone replacement therapy,” the doctor said, quickly filling out her prescription pad. “Everything looked good from what I saw. Baseline testosterone was on the lower end, but that’s what we’re planning to have happen, so that’s not an issue. Everything else looked perfect, and we already discussed the side effects of hormone replacement therapy, so unless you have any concerns or questions, we can get you right on your way.”
“Will this make the dysphoria go away forever?” she thought to herself, wanting to ask it aloud. Twilight looked at her carefully and Katrina shook her head, giving the doctor a confident smile. “If I have any questions, I’ll let you know.”
“Okay, Ma- oh, I’m sorry, Katrina- I’m going to write you a script for two milligrams of estradiol and fifty milligrams of spironolactone to start off. We’ll have you take that for a month and then bring you back in for more blood tests. If we determine that everything’s progressing as it should be, we’ll see about bringing it up to four or six milligrams and one or two hundred for the spiro.”
“That sounds great!” she said happily as she took the slip. “I’ll see you next month then!”
“You have an excellent day, ma’am,” the doctor told her kindly. “I’ll see you soon.”
Katrina gave a happy wave as she left the office, surprised by the quickness of the appointment and filled with euphoria that the doctor was kind to her and saw her as she was.
“Oh, that was amazing!” she practically yelled as she and Twilight went down the elevator and stepped back into the cold, holding the slip up happily. “This is so unbelievable! I can’t believe this is happening.”
Twilight giggled at that as they walked. “You’re holding that up like it’s worth a hundred bits,” she said.
“It’s a winning lottery ticket to me. I’m so, so excited, I think I’m going to faint.”
“I’m very happy for you, Katrina,” Twilight smiled. “I do have to go back to Equestria now.”
“What? Already?” she asked, tilting her head. “But it’s only one o’clock and-”
“I know,” Twilight interrupted, “but I have to go to a meeting with Princess Celestia, not to mention disassemble that worldgate. Just those two things are going to take up the next several hours. I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” she responded quietly, dropping her hands back to her sides. “Okay. Well, I want a hug before you go, and a promise that if you- when you build another portal, you come to my house and tell me very first, before anyone else. You told me five years, and I’m holding you to that. I want to be completely unrecognizable by the time you see me.”
“You have my word on that, Katrina,” Twilight responded kindly. “I promise. And I’m sure you will be.”
“Good.” With that, she wrapped her friend in a tight hug. “I love you so, so much Twilight. Thank you for being such a good friend and always being there for me. Thank you for helping me come out of my cage. It means the world to me.”
“I love you too, Katrina,” Twilight answered back happily. “That’s what friends are for.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, letting go and wiping her eyes before she started to cry. “You’re absolutely amazing. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You give me too much credit,” Twilight said humbly. “Oh! Did you want to come get that money? It’s still sitting at the bank in Ponyville.”
“Nope. If I keep it there, then you’re obligated to build another worldgate sometime later and return it to me, just in case something messes up with that five year plan. That’s what the Royal Authority of Equestria would say, right?”
“Haha, right,” Twilight laughed, giving her a wave. “I’ll see you later, Katrina. Is it okay if I send you messages on that program sometimes?”
“Absolutely! I would be upset if you didn’t. Goodbye, Twilight.” With that, both of them headed their separate ways. She knew her friend knew the way back to her home and that Jase would let her in, and so only watched her for a moment before continuing down the street to the pharmacy, planning to see her one final time that night. It was about ten minutes waiting in line and half an hour waiting for the prescription to be filled before she finally had the bottles in her hands.
There was nothing else to do after that, and she quickly headed home, holding the prescription close to her chest like it was something valuable. And it was. It was the most valuable thing she’d ever possessed in her life.
“So how’d it go?” Jase asked as he watched his sister come in from his spot on the couch. “Did you get the stuff?”
“I like the way you’re calling it stuff as if it’s something illegal,” she responded, making her way to the kitchen to run a glass of water. “And yes, I did. A month’s worth of estradiol and spironolactone is in my diet until I get more blood work done.”
“Oh, hey, Twilight came back home and went to Equestria. She already said goodbye to me, but she wants to tell you one more time before the worldgate is disassembled.”
“I know, Jase. I’ll be there,” she said. “She said she’ll have another one though, in like five years for everyone to use. Actually, she said within five years, so I’m holding her to that.”
“Oh good! Because I absolutely wanna move there the first chance I can. Being a pony is amazing! I promise you, the first chance I get, I’m doing it.”
“I’m sure you will,” Katrina chuckled. “You seemed like you were born to be that.” As she did, she took out the tablet of estradiol. It was cyan colored and small, no, tiny. It was smaller than her fingernail as she inspected. She couldn’t believe that something so small was being prescribed to her for a problem as big as the one she had. To be fair though, she still couldn’t believe that a teleporter existed in her home to bring her to a place called Equestria, a place that had forced her to acknowledge that problem after years of avoiding it.
She held it between her thumb and forefinger nervously, wondering if this would do it. She wanted this to work more than she wanted anything else in her whole life. She wanted this to let her be able to be herself, because even right then, she was afraid that this might be a mistake. That even as good as she felt in Equestria, even as nice as it was to have the weight gone, this wouldn’t help her. She was terrified that the dysphoria would stay even taking the little tablet and that she wouldn’t know what else to do then. She wanted to be able to wake up from the nightmare one day and be herself, and worried that, even now, being closer to that than she ever knew, it wouldn’t happen.
She pushed that fear down though. She didn’t have time to keep being afraid. Whatever tomorrow brought, she would be there.
“Well, here’s to me,” she said as she popped the tablet into her mouth and swallowed.
Katrina woke up with a start in the early morning light, her eyes wet and tears running down her cheeks. She had a dream, no, a nightmare, that she was forced to be someone she didn’t want to be and that there was nothing she could do about it. It wasn’t a nightmare she had very often, only a few times over the years. However, every time she did, her whole body shook in terror, and today was no different.
She had to hug her pillow, burying her face into it. She was so glad to be awake right now, knowing it was just a dream, but was still terrified that one day that dream would become real somehow. Even now at nearly forty years old, she was afraid her nightmares would seep into reality. It was reality at one point. Nearly two-thirds of her life was spent waiting to wake up from a nightmare. What was stopping it from becoming reality again?
She reached for her phone to call her friend, someone she met years ago who helped her through that time. She didn’t know what she would be doing right now without her, except probably being miserable. It was almost unreal how much she helped her, and Katrina was nothing but grateful.
“I’m sorry for calling you so early, but I had that dream again,” she said quietly, talking through her tears as soon as her friend picked up. She took a breath and shivered. “I'm so worried that those feelings are going to come back. I don’t want to go back to hating myself.”
“How long ago was it that you felt that way?” her friend asked. “Almost ten years now? Has it ever come back since then?”
“No, but… I’m so afraid that this happiness is going to be taken away from me. I don’t want this feeling to be snatched from me.”
“It’s not going to be, Katrina. I promise. Trust me when I say that.”
She didn’t have a response, other than to get choked up and start to sob, letting her tears fall onto the bed. She cried for the years where she didn’t acknowledge herself, where she hated everything about herself and did nothing despite knowing who she was supposed to be. She cried for the childhood she had, one where she couldn’t stand to look in the mirror and didn’t know why. It was tears for a past that couldn’t possibly be hers, one that had to be nothing more than a bad dream, one that was reality for as long as she could remember. It was years that she was never going to get back.
It was so unfair that the person who was before had to go through that. It wasn’t right that the kid in her memories had to hate themselves and not know why, not fair that they had to be too afraid to do something for the longest time. It shouldn’t have taken as long as it did for that person to fix herself. It shouldn’t have taken a lifetime for her to wake up.
“Okay,” she said after a few minutes when she finally started to calm down. “I’ll trust you,” she told her as she wiped her eyes. “Thank you for talking to me. You really are too nice to me.”
“There’s no such thing as too much niceness,” her friend said. “And it’s no trouble at all. I’ll talk to you later though. I do have a few important things to do, as I’m sure you do, too.”
“Yes, I do, a meeting about my book this afternoon and then another meeting with my publisher later tonight. I’ll see you next week, okay?”
“I absolutely look forward to it. Have your brother stop by, too, if he wants to. I know he lives all the way out in Las Pegasus, but it’s always a pleasure to see him and his family as well. We’ll be having tea and cucumber sandwiches with my friends that day.”
“I’ll see if he’d like to come. It sounds like a wonderful time. Thank you again. Bye.”
With that, she sniffed as she got out of bed, heading to the bathroom to start her morning routine. Twenty minutes under a hot shower, a few minutes to blow dry and tie up her hair, a few seconds to take her medication, and a little time spent doing her makeup if she wanted to. Even so many years later, it was still such a strange feeling to be able to look in the mirror and not flinch at the sight of herself. It was unbelievable, and every day she was thankful for it.
Every day she was thankful that the moment she’d been waiting a lifetime for was here.
Her closet was filled to the brim with clothes, thousands of dollars worth up to that point. It was more than just dresses and skirts however, as much as she loved those things. Today she opted for something simple to go out in, nice looking blue jeans and a light blue shirt with patterns of yellow flowers on it. It wasn’t the best piece of clothing she had in her closet, nowhere near it, but it was perfect for the springtime that was March.
Her children were still asleep, and probably would be for a couple of hours longer, so she decided to go out alone for a little while. She ignored the trapdoor on the floor for today- there were plenty of other days in her life for that- and grabbed her purse and keys from the shelf before heading out for breakfast. It felt a bit chilly given her choice of wear, but not too bad, and combined with waking up so early, it was the perfect temperature for coffee with her breakfast.
She made her way to a local restaurant, somewhere she could sit down and be waited on, and stretched her arms with a yawn. She didn’t normally wake up this early, but since she was, she decided she would do her best to appreciate it, opening the blinds on the window in her booth and looking at the bright blue sky. It was a lovely scene, a perfect looking Saturday morning.
“Ma’am?” a waiter asked after a while, catching Katrina off guard. He was a young guy, probably a teenager around eighteen years old, looking like he just got out of school and was ready for bigger and better things in the world.
“Can I start you off with something to drink? Maybe take your order?”
“Oh, yes please. Coffee with sugar, if that’s okay. And bacon and eggs if you have it.”
“Of course, I’ll have that right out for you… wait, you look familiar to me. Have you been here before?”
“Not that I know of,” she responded, “but I am an author. Maybe you read one of my books?”
“You- you’re Katrina Wiley, aren’t you!” the teenager said excitedly.
“The one and only,” she smiled proudly. It wasn’t that often she got recognized by someone, maybe a couple of times a year, but it always made her day brighter when she was.
“I read your book a few years ago during a vacation I had, and I gave it to my parents to read recently, too. It… it helped me come out to them as a trans man.”
“I’m so happy to hear that,” she said kindly. “It always makes me happy to know that what I write helped even one person.”
“You are an inspiration,” he continued. “For the longest time, I was so afraid to tell someone who I was, but reading that book- it was like you were speaking directly to me. And- oh, and I went to Equestria for the first time ever a few weeks ago. Walking into that place and changing… it was the best feeling I’ve ever had in my whole life. I’m actually working on getting citizenship there, it felt so amazing. Thank you so, so much for writing that. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Now she was blushing as she shook his hand, giving him a thank you for reading it before he left to submit her order. As he did, she went back to staring out the window with a wide, happy grin, enjoying the view of the clear blue sky.
“Tracy! Quinn!” Katrina called as she tapped her foot. “Do you both have your shoes on yet? Don’t make me have to tell you again.”
“We do!” one of the boys, Tracy, called from the two’s room. “We’re waiting for you! You always take forever.”
“I have my shoes on!” the other one, Quinn, announced, now old enough to put them on himself. “I can’t wait to see Uncle Jase again!” he proclaimed as he ran out into the living room. “He’s my favorite! I wanna leave now!”
“Then you need to tell your older brother to get out here so we can go,” Katrina instructed. “I don’t want us to start running late.”
“You’re the one that always takes a million years, Mom,” Tracy said. “I was waiting on you.”
“You don’t even have your shoes on, honey,” she responded. “Go put them on now so we can leave. Oh, and grab my purse out of my room.”
“When I grow up, I’m gonna be a big strong man like Uncle Trent and Uncle Jase are!” Quinn said. “I’m gonna be the strongest man alive!”
“What about you, Tracy?” she asked as her other son came back out. “Are you gonna be as strong as Uncle Jase and Uncle Trent?”
“No, I’m gonna be stronger than them,” he declared. “I’m gonna be a football player for the Chiefs so I can make a billion dollars and you can watch me every Sunday.”
“I’d watch you regardless of whatever team you were on… as long as it’s not the Broncos or Raiders,” she joked with a smile, using a hand to ruffle his hair. It made her happy to hear things like that from them, about how they would be strong men. If they could help it, she didn’t want them to be like her.
“Anyway, let's go now before we start running late,” she said as she grabbed her purse from her son, letting them get into the car and helping her smaller son buckle up. It wasn’t that far to her brother’s house, only an hour or so. As she drove, she couldn’t help but think about the fact that she lived in Kansas for her whole life, in the same city, too. She remembered a few times thinking about how being a small town girl was a stereotype, and yet it seemed that was exactly how it turned out for her.
Before long, she was pulling up, the lot already full of cars. Somehow it seemed like her older brother’s house had gotten bigger since last year when she was here. Then again, it had to be, what with how many kids he had.
It was the only time of year when the other five people she grew up with were all in the same place. Jase lived in Equestria, her parents refused to go to each other's houses, and her sister refused to come to her house. That left only Trent as the middleman for the gatherings they had and only this time of year for them to all see each other.
“Hi, Katrina!” Trent’s wife, Jessie, waved as Katrina and her sons got out. “You look amazing as ever,” she said as she got up to her, giving her a brief hug before looking her up and down. “I love your dress! It looks like it fits you perfectly and matches you well! You look just like your sister. Did you just get it?”
“Oh, this old thing?” she asked, smiling bashfully. “I’ve had this since forever. A friend sewed it for me a long time ago. How it hasn’t gotten worn and torn, I have no idea.”
“Well, it looks amazing on you,” Jessie complimented. “Make sure to tell your friend that she has a great eye for fashion.” With that, she turned to Katrina’s kids, saying, “And look at you both! You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you! How old are you again, Tracy? Quinn?”
“I’m seven, and Quinn’s four,” Tracy answered. “The doctor said I grew two inches since last year.”
“Oh my, that’s quite a lot,” Jessie said. “At this rate, you’ll be taller than your Uncle Trent. I bet you’ll be able to be a basketball player with how much you’re gonna grow. Anyway, let me show you guys inside.”
The three went in to get settled in, the living room packed with people. There were over twenty people from what she could tell including her family, around half of them children. She wondered how many of these people were born in Equestria. At least six if she counted right: Jase’s wife, their three kids, and her two kids.
Although Twilight said it would be five years, she had it done much quicker than that, the first fully functioning public worldgate up and running in half the time. The first chance Jase got, he moved there, being at the top of the list of applicants since he knew the Princess of Equestria personally. Katrina stayed there while she was carrying both Tracy and Quinn. Not that she could go back while she was pregnant. She quickly learned that the worldgate wouldn’t let her pass through to Earth while she was, presumably because she couldn’t carry her children to term as a human. There were days when she wished she was able to, but it was still completely unbelievable that she could have kids, something she never thought would ever be possible.
“Aunt Samantha!” Quinn yelled loudly, catching sight of Katrina’s sister and running up to her. He wrapped her up in a hug as he said, “You’re the best aunt! You should let me live with you when you leave!”
Her sister was smiling, but glanced up at Katrina for a moment with a look that said she still didn’t like her because of what she’d done. She didn’t put the dislike she held into her words though, giving her son a wide grin and ruffling her hand through his hair.
“You’ll have to ask your parent that, kiddo,” she told him. “We’d love to have you and your brother for vacation one summer if we can. I’m sure it’d be plenty of fun.”
Katrina had to turn away so she could roll her eyes unseen. Despite her fondness for her children, Sam clearly didn’t like her. That much was obvious from the fact that she was only ever referred to as their parent. Even her father would acknowledge her as their mother, even if she could tell he despised doing so.
“Hey, Katrina,” someone suddenly said, causing her to turn around. She smiled at Trent and gave him a hug as he said, “I’m glad you made it.”
“I’m glad to be here, Trent,” she told him happily before letting go. “Happy birthday! How old are you again? How long has it been since we all got together?”
“It’s been a year,” he answered in the same flat, emotionless voice he always had. “It’s a year every single time everyone’s all here. And I’m turning forty today.”
“God, you’re so old,” she said jokingly. “It feels like yesterday we were celebrating your eighteenth birthday. I feel like you’ve changed so much since then.”
“I can agree with that,” he said, pausing for a moment before giving a tiny smile. “Although it’s safe to say that some of us have changed more than others."
Katrina laughed out loud at that comment. “I guess that’s true,” she replied. “Anyway, how have you been? Do you have any more kids to show me? Or have you finally decided enough is enough?”
“I wasn’t looking for three with her, but Jessie convinced me into it. I’m worried she’s going to want more though. I think you already know well enough how she can be.”
“I do. I can’t believe you have enough space to have all of us here all at once… well, I can, with how much you make, but still. It’s impressive here. I know I say that every time, but I can’t get it out of my head.”
“Aw, thanks, I appreciate it. Anyway, how have you been? How are Tracy and Quinn?”
With that, the conversation traveled on, Katrina and Trent taking seats in the living room to continue, joining in with all of the other adults.
It was a little awkward speaking around her sister and father, but it wasn’t anything new. Her father interacted with her much more than her sister, something she’d come to realize. She could tell he disliked her more than Sam did, but other than a few comments about it every now and then, she could kind of deal with him. With Sam, however, if felt like she said about ten words to her in the last ten years. Most of her communication came through making comments about her without directly speaking to her.
Her son was sitting in her sister’s lap as they talked, and eventually, she broke in with something to say, petting his hair as she did.
“I wonder what your parent would say to you asking if you and Tracy could spend a summer with us in Georgia,” Sam said, clearly being indirect in talking to her. “Maybe you should ask. I’m sure it’ll be a yes.” She had to frown and furrow her brow at that, looking her right in the eye as she spoke. She silently told her that she didn’t like what she was doing.
“Mom, can I?” Quinn asked, huge pleading eyes staring right at her. She waved a hand for him to come over, and when he did, planted a kiss on his forehead and pushed a strand of hair out of his face.
“We’ll talk about it, okay?” she said. “You go upstairs and play with your brother and your cousins now while the adults stay down here and talk, okay sweetie?” He nodded and quickly ran up, a lot of the parents following her lead and sending their own kids away, too. When all that was left were the adults, she sent a glare at her sister.
“Do not try to manipulate me like that,” she said angrily. “I do not want to be manipulated and made to look like a bad mother in front of my children.”
Sam looked around the room with an eyebrow raised, pretending to be confused. “What do they mean?” she asked, making Katrina shake her head in annoyance. It got her a few more frowns from a few other people.
“I’m saying don’t say things like, ‘I’m sure it’ll be a yes’ to make me look like a bad mother if I say no. Don’t pit me against my kids.”
“I can’t see how they think I’m pitting them against their kids,” Sam said, rolling her eyes. “I was only asking Quinn to ask them a question.”
“I know you’re just asking,” Katrina said harshly, doing her best to not yell. “I’m just asking you not to manipulate me into saying yes if you’re not even going to talk to me and call me their mother.”
“I can’t believe they think-”
“Oh my god, stop it!” Katrina put her hands on her head in frustration. “I don’t want to get into a thing on Trent’s birthday, but can you stop? Talk to me like a human being! Even Dad doesn’t act like this! It’s annoying as crap!”
“Don’t bring me into this,” their father commented, looking up from a magazine he was reading for a moment. “Leave me out of whatever argument you’re having.”
“It isn’t great to see you acting like that to Katrina,” their mother said. “You should be talking to your sister. I don’t like seeing you guys like this.”
“It is annoying,” someone else said, the rest of the adults looking at them as the room stayed quiet. “Stop dancing around it. Just talk to her if you want to talk to her.”
Sam shook her head and rolled her eyes, telling her, “I don’t know why you’re so upset. I was just saying to Quinn that he can ask you. It’s not a big deal like you think it is.”
“I know you were just saying. I’m just saying do not manipulate me like that, especially not in front of my kids. If you want to ask me if they can go, just ask. I’ll tell you yes right now if you just ask me instead of doing this freaking backhanded bullshit. And don’t say ‘I’m sure she’ll say yes’ when you don’t give me an ounce of respect.”
“Ugh, I don’t know where you went so wrong, especially since we used to be close. I can’t even talk to you because you make a big deal out of everything, and it started when you-”
“Okay!” Jessie suddenly interrupted, standing up and clapping her hands. “Why don’t we have some dinner and cake and wish my husband a happy birthday?”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with that,” Jessie said once she and Katrina were alone in a bedroom a few minutes later. “I don’t know why she still acts like that. She really needs to grow up.”
“She does need to grow up,” Katrina agreed. “It’s more annoying than anything these days.”
“Is it still about… you know?” Jessie asked curiously.
“As far as I know,” she answered. “Maybe that I didn’t go to her wedding? But there were a whole lot of issues with that. Honestly, at this point, I really don’t-”
Suddenly, Katrina was being interrupted by a knock on the door, the person they were speaking about letting themselves in.
“Hey, Jessie, and uh…” Her sister looked right at her before saying, “Hey both of you. What’s going on in here?”
Katrina rolled her eyes and let out a breath as Jessie said, “We’re just talking. Care to join us?”
“Oh, I just came in here to ask if I can see those kids in the summer,” Sam said. She looked right at her sister as she said it, but Katrina only raised an eyebrow to ask her what she was talking about.
“So, uh… can they come with me?” she continued awkwardly, looking at her feet for a moment before glancing back up at her. “I think they’d enjoy spending time with my kids. They get along great, and they’re nice boys, so…”
“I don’t know who you’re talking to,” Katrina said, her voice containing a hint of annoyance. “You never gave a name for whose kids. Do you mean Jessie’s?”
“Ugh, your kids, obviously,” Sam replied. “Can they spend this summer in Georgia with Robert and I? You said if I asked you would say yes.”
“Yes,” Katrina sighed. “They can spend time with you this summer. Not the whole summer though. Only a few weeks.”
“Thank you.”
“But- but,” Katrina started again seriously, pointing a finger at her. “I want you to stop calling me their parent. It’s annoying to see you only say I’m their parent. Stop doing that.”
“Well, I’m certain you don’t want me calling you their father, do you?” Sam said, rolling her eyes. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
“Sam- Sam. Look at me,” Katrina told her, forcing her sister’s eyes to her. “Do I look like I could be called their father? What part of me tells you that that’s what I am?”
“Well, you can’t anymore since you mutilated your body. You used to look like you could be one, that’s for sure.”
“I’m not getting into this,” Katrina said. “All you have to do is pretend you care like Dad does. If you can’t even do that and treat me like a human being-”
“Fine! I’ll call you their mother! You make everything such a big deal! It’s just a word!”
“It’s a big deal because you treat me like that in front of my kids! Do you know how fucking embarrassing that is?”
“I just think that you-”
“If you can’t get it right now when I’m right in front of you, how am I supposed to trust you to be alone with them? All I can think is that you’d try to turn them against me and tell them I’m something I’m not, and you’ve done nothing but prove that with your actions so far.”
With that, the conversation died, Katrina scowling and rolling her eyes again as Sam looked away, crossing her arms angrily. “Treats me worse than she would treat a stranger,” she grumbled. “It’s ridiculous.”
“Is there any way you two can just… get back to being sisters?” Jessie asked hopefully. “Trent told me you two used to be closer to each other than anyone else. Can’t you two just reset your relationship somehow?”
“If they want to,” Sam said. “I don’t think they do, though, since they like to make a big deal about everything.”
“I honestly don’t care about whether or not we restart our relationship,” Katrina said. “I just want you to treat me like a normal person. If you want to consider that restarting our relationship-”
“I don’t see what the problem is, honesty,” Sam said, looking at Jessie now. “They act like I’m malicious or something to them. I don’t know what they mean by normal person. It’s not like I attack them or demean them.” Even Jessie had to roll her eyes with how far Sam was going. “They act like I’m making our relationship into something bigger than it is, when that’s what they’re doing.”
Katrina closed her eyes and took a breath. “If you want to hate me, fine. I don’t care. I already know Dad hates me, and there’s a whole world full of people that hate me. But don’t… talk to me like that!” She finished it exasperated, frustrated that she had to ask over and over for the same thing. “I hate it when you talk to me like that! You can hate me, but don’t talk to me that way!”
“I don’t know why they’re saying I hate them when I never said I do,” Sam told Jessie, looking at Katrina the whole time. “I’ve never felt that way. But I’m not sure what they’re talking about when they say not to speak to them a certain way.”
“Oh my god, we’ve been through this Sam!” Katrina put her head in her hands in frustration for a second before looking back up. She stood up and wagged her finger, telling her, “Treat me right, or my kids are not staying with you. I’m not going to let you keep interacting with them if you’re going to talk to me like I’m not in the room. That’s it.”
“I’m not sure what-”
“If you’re not sure, that’s on you,” Katrina interrupted. “You’re just gonna have to figure it out if you don’t know by now.”
Somehow, her sons had ended up around Katrina’s mother and father, most of the other adults vacating elsewhere and the rest of the children still upstairs with each other. Katrina, however, stayed in the room, ruffling Tracy’s hair and she watched Quinn sit in her father’s lap. It made her a bit emotional, seeing him get affection from her father that she never got, but she didn’t show it in her face. She was glad though that he would never hold the position of being their guardian.
“There she is!” her father said as she sat down, sending a smile her way. “Maybe you should ask her now. Kat, can Quinn and Tracy spend the summer with me?”
“Didn’t you already tell me you wanted to spend the summer with Aunt Samantha in Georgia, sweetie?” she asked with a little smile. “You’re telling me you want to spend it with Grandpa, now?”
“I wanna see both of them! Please?”
“I think you’re going to have to pick one or the other, honey. I don’t think we’ll be able to do both in one summer.”
“Awwwwww… fine, I’ll stay with Grandpa then…”
“Oh? You’re picking Grandpa over me?” Katrina’s sister suddenly said, sneaking up on the group. “Do you not want to stay with us in Georgia?”
“N-nooooo!” Quinn yelled, but wore a big smile. “I was just kidding about staying with Grandpa!”
“Maybe you just don’t love me enough, is that it?” she said, feigning seriousness but still smiling. “Do you not love your Aunt Samantha?”
“No! I love you! I’ll stay with you!”
“You know what happens to little boys who don’t want to stay with their Aunt Samantha?” Before he could answer, she quickly moved up to snatch him out of the lap he was in.
“They get stolen from their mothers!” she declared, lifting him up and spinning him in a circle, before plopping down on the couch and setting him in her lap, tickling him. Katina and her father watched the scene for a few seconds before he tapped on her shoulder.
“You know, they need a father figure in their life,” he whispered to her, barely audible. “Those two sons of yours. A father figure will do them good.”
“It seems like they’re doing just fine without one to me,” she replied, whispering just as quietly. “Do they look like they’re acting out to you?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean they can’t use one in their life. They need someone to teach them how to be men. Whatever happened to their actual father? Weren’t you engaged to someone at some point?”
“Lazy Days?” she asked. “I haven’t seen him in probably two years. He’s exactly what his name suggests though. A lazy, good-for-nothing stallion who doesn’t want to be there for his foals. I told him upfront before we got serious that I was only staying in Equestria long enough to have two children, and that was it. He agreed, but then seemed so surprised when Quinn was born and I told him that I was going to move back home in a few months. He only lived with me on Earth for about a year before he apparently found the woman of his dreams and moved to Manehattan. I haven’t seen him since Tracy was probably five years old.”
“Well he should be here,” her father scowled angrily at the thought. “He’s a terrible person for not being in his kids' life. Human or horse, a father needs to be there for his kids.”
It was something the two could agree on, although Katrina thought it was up for debate whether or not her father was there for her. Still, he hadn’t walked out of her life, as much as she sometimes wished he would have.
There was a moment of silence between them as they continued to watch Quinn before her father asked, “Are you taking everything well? All of this… stuff?” He waved a hand at her, indicating he was talking about who she was now.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said simply, flatly, looking at him for a moment before looking back down at her kids. “I’ve never been better in my whole life,” she said.
She could see his face hardening and his fist clenching out of the corner of her eyes. He clearly wanted to say something, but remained silent. He made clear years before just how much he hated what she’d done and how she would never be his daughter despite the love he claimed to still have for her. For a while, he took every chance he could to refer to her as a man. Of course, it only became more ridiculous to do over the years as she changed, to the point where he began to realize doing so would only make him look foolish. Still, the contempt was there, that much she could tell, and it still hurt.
“Do you think that one day you’ll wake up and-”
“Hey, Tracy,” Katrina called to her son, intentionally avoiding the argument that would happen with what she knew he was about to ask. “Come over here for a second.” He listened, and when he got to the two of them, she said, “Tell Grandpa what you’re gonna be when you grow up.”
He smiled widely and answered, “I’m gonna be a football player and be on TV.”
“Oh? You gonna be a quarterback then?” Katrina’s father asked, raising an eyebrow as she smiled again. “Or are you gonna be a wide receiver or cornerback? You’re getting tall enough to play those positions.”
“I’m gonna be the quarterback,” he told him, sounding proud. “That way I can make a billion dollars. I’m gonna play for the Chiefs.”
“Ah, that’s a good thing. I thought you were gonna say you want to play for the Raiders or Broncos. Your mother raised you right.”
“Don’t think about joining the Chargers either, Tracy,” she told him, “but they’re not as bad as the Raiders and Broncos. If you’re serious though, you should go out for flag football in a few years when you’re in middle school.”
“I will, I promise. Then I’ll go to college and be drafted by the Chiefs and be the best player ever.”
“You’re not gonna play for the Falcons?” Katrina’s sister suddenly asked, still holding Quinn in her lap. “That’s who my husband likes. They’re better than the Chiefs are.”
“They most certainly are not,” both Katrina and her father said at the same time, sharing a laugh when they did. “At least I have one daughter with common sense,” her father continued. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with your sister, though. The Falcons are better than the Chiefs? Unbelievable.”
“I can only say I agree,” Katrina added. She scratched her son behind the ears and watched him shiver happily as she said, “My little pony’s gonna play for the Chiefs.”
The two of them sighed, going back to watching Sam talk to her children. It was probably the only thing she and her father had in common, but just enough to base a relationship on, even given everything else. She felt certain it was the only thing keeping him on speaking terms with her and getting him to call her his daughter, despite how much he hated it.
She rubbed her son’s neck carefully, not so hard though that he would fall asleep from the sensation, smiling as he craned his neck. She learned a bit after she moved back to Earth after having them that even though they spent most of their time as humans, they were much closer to ponies in characteristic. Even while humans, certain spots like their ears and neck and back were sensitive to them, and made it that much easier to give them affection.
“Love you, Tracy,” she told her son as she kissed the top of his head, watching her other son being petted in about the same way by her sister. “You’re my adorable little pony.”
“Mom! Stop it!”
“You’re just my cute little pony, Tracy,” she said, picking him up and wrapping her arms around him from behind. “You and Quinn both. You’re both my two ponies, aren’t you? I love you both so much.”
“And you’re gonna grow up to be a big strong man for your mother, aren’t you?” her father added. “She’s gonna need a man to protect her when she’s an old lady.”
“I’ll protect her. I promise,” he assured her, making her smile as she kissed his hair again. “I won’t let anything hurt my mom.”
“You be whatever you want to be, sweetie,” she told him, petting his hair. “Whatever you want to be, you be the very best.”
Katrina was talking to Jase and his wife, Lily Pad, after an early dinner the house had when she suddenly was getting a tap on her shoulder again.
“Hey, Aunt Samantha, Aunt Jessie and Uncle Trent wanted me to ask you if you- oh, you’re not Aunt Samantha. Sorry, Aunt Katrina. You look exactly like her.”
“No trouble, dear,” she smiled. “If anything, I’ll take it as a compliment that I have my sister’s looks.”
“Who looks do you have?” Sam asked as she stepped into the room, her husband and a few other people following behind her. “The only two people I know look the same are Dad and Trent.”
“Apparently, the two of us look the same, too,” Katrina said. “So much so that people mistake me for you when they see me.”
“What? We look nothing alike!” Sam protested, looking a bit embarrassed by the connotation. “I don’t know what similarity you can possibly see between us.”
“Well, according to Colton here, we do, since he thought I was you,” Katrina said, shrugging her shoulders.
“Yeah, maybe from behind,” Sam started, “but I- you- do you really think she looks like me, Colton?”
“Uh huh,” he answered simply. “You look exactly like her. Even right now.”
“Especially right now,” Jase added. “You two in the same room? I almost wouldn’t be able to tell you two apart if I hadn’t lived with you both for so long.”
“Honestly, for the longest time I thought you guys were twins,” Lily Pad said. “I really can’t see how you’re not.”
Katrina smiled at her sister, who frowned back at her and crossed her arms. “Yeah, well… I don’t see it,” Sam said, sounding upset.
“Anyway, what was it you wanted to tell Aunt Samantha?” Jase asked his son.
“Oh yeah, Aunt Jessie and Uncle Trent wanted to know if you wanted to go out and do karaoke with them right now. And you, too, Mom and Dad and Aunt Katrina.”
“I’m down if you’re okay with it, Lily,” Jase said. “Kids can stay here with their grandparents until we get back.”
“That sounds fine to me,” she agreed. “I’d love to go out.”
“I don’t want to,” Sam said, clearly angry. “You guys can do karaoke without me. I’ll just stay here.”
“Aw, come on, Sam,” Katrina said. “It doesn’t even matter. Don’t be like that.”
“I’m not being like anything,” she said. “I just don’t want to do karaoke with you guys. We do it every year. Am I not allowed to decline things anymore?”
“Fine, you don’t look like me,” Katrina told her, rolling her eyes. “Are you happy now? And you told me I make everything into a big deal.”
“Can you two mares just get along?” Lily Pad asked. “You two have been going back and forth all day. You’re supposed to be sisters. Sisters don’t act like this.”
“Don’t make me have to get Mom so she can talk to you two,” Jase said. “You don’t want to make her upset, do you?”
“It’s fine,” Katrina said. “I can tell Sam doesn’t want to be around me, so I’ll sit out of-”
“I didn’t say I don’t want to be around you, Katrina,” her sister interrupted. “I just said I don’t want to do karaoke.”
“You don’t have to say you don’t want to be around me for me to know,” Katrina shot back. “I’m not as big of an idiot as you think I am.”
“Stop it!” Jase said loudly. “I don’t want to hear you two argue! Now both of you get off your butts so we can go out with Jessie and Trent. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to fight when you’re drinking and embarrassing yourself singing karaoke.”
They both did as they were told, getting up to head out with them and a few other people, ending up at the bar a few minutes later. Jessie got right into it, stepping up to the karaoke machine as the rest of the group ordered drinks, the two sisters sitting next to each other, farther away from the group.
“I thought you didn’t like alcohol,” her sister started, quickly gulping down her own drink. “You’re not gonna say I did this, will you?”
“I don’t like alcohol because it tastes disgusting, not because I’m against it or something,” she responded as she took a sip of her drink. “And I don’t think you’re gonna like the answer to that second question.”
“Of course, you’re saying it’s me that makes you drink,” Sam rolled her eyes. “You make everything into a big deal. Why can’t you just get over how I talk?”
“Because you don’t give me any respect,” she shot back. “You don’t give me one single ounce of respect. At least Dad treats me with some semblance of decency in public, even though I know he hates me. You don’t even give me that much.”
Sam sighed at that. “Look, I’m sorry, but I’m trying, okay? It takes time to-”
“No you’re not. It doesn’t take ten years to get it right. Either get it right right now or don’t talk to me. It’s that simple.” With that, Katrina gulped down her drink and slammed the glass on the table.
It was a silent moment as the two watched Jessie sing, then Lily Pad and Jase, before Sam started, “Hey, Kat?” Her sister only looked at her as she asked, “Do you remember that time when we were teens and we watched Jase throw rocks at that hornets’ nest?”
“And he hit that lady’s car?” Katrina continued, Sam nodding her head. “What about it?”
“Do you think he’d do the same thing today, however many years later?”
Katrina laughed a bit at that. “Of course, he would. He hasn’t changed at all since then. And then he tried to say it was the lady’s fault for driving her car near him. It was absolutely ridiculous.”
“I’ve never seen Dad so angry in my life, even if the lady told us everything was fine. He looked ready to kill someone.”
“Haha, yeah…” She sighed and said, “It’s funny to remember, but I can’t say I miss those days like you probably can. Even now, it hurts to think about…” She sighed again and closed her eyes, feeling the wetness build up.
“Awww, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset,” Sam told her, moving closer to her and putting her arms around her. “Let me give you-”
“Don’t hug me!” she shouted angrily, clenching her teeth and pushing her away as one or two tears ran down her cheeks. “I don’t want a hug from you! You treat me like shit, and I hate it! I’ve worked so hard to get myself better, and you still treat me like shit! It’s horrible that Dad acts better than you! I expect you to be better but you still treat me like this!”
“I just wanted to-”
“No! You can’t hug me and make the last ten years all better! You didn’t talk to me for almost five years after I told you who I am! Even still today you say I mutilated my body for fixing that horrible, mangled mess I was born with, and it hurts every time I hear it! That’s not the kind of thing that gets repaired with just a hug! You have to act better, and you never do!”
It was a very long moment that the two of them were silent, closer to an hour than a moment. She didn’t know what her sister was thinking, but she didn’t care. Far, far too much had changed about her and far too much time had passed for Sam to keep acting like this
“I’m sorry,” her sister said quietly after a long while, Katrina not bothering to look her way. “I’m sorry for being mean to you.”
“Okay,” Katrina said simply in response, not a hint of emotion in her voice.
Another minute of silence passed before Sam said, “Kat, I- you- you’re my… my… I love you, you know that? I’m your older sister, and I love you, in spite of… all of this.”
“If you say so.”
“Come on, will you just look at me and see I’m being sincere here?” Sam asked desperately.
“Will you stop treating me like shit?” she asked back, still not turning around.
“I- ugh! You’re my sister, and I love you, okay?” she said, sounding almost like she didn’t want to say it. “I know it’s been so long and I haven’t been doing a great job of showing that to you-”
“You’ve been doing the worst job you possibly can.”
“-but I’m going to try to get better, okay? I promise I’ll try to get better, Kat.”
“Not good enough,” Katrina said, crossing her arms indignantly and still not looking at her. “Don’t try to get better, just get better. I don’t want you to talk to me if you’re not going to be better.”
“Fine! I promise I will get better, okay?” she tried to assure her. “You’re my sister and I love you, and I want you to know that.”
“Oooo you love her, Sam?” Jase suddenly said, appearing next to them. “Are you gonna get married? When do I get to go to the wedding?”
“Stop it, Jase. Don’t be disgusting.”
“Oh, of course you’ll be there, Jase,” Sam said, putting a hand on her sister's shoulder. It took all of Katrina’s strength to not visibly cringe and move away as she continued, “We were thinking about a wedding in the winter, right, Kat?”
“You both are absolute heathens,” Katrina said, frowning but accepting the joke. “I don’t know how I’m related to either of you at all.”
“Anyway, it’s you two lovebirds’s turn,” Jase continued. “Everyone else has already gone twice and you both haven’t gone once.”
“I’m really not in the mood for it, Jase,” Katrina told him. “Let someone else go in my place.”
“Can’t. We already decided you and Sam are going at the same time.”
“Aw, come on!” she protested. “You know Sam’s a much better singer than I am! Are you trying to embarrass me?”
“Yes,” he said, feigning seriousness. “Now get your butts up there and quit holding us up.”
She sighed at that, reluctantly standing up to do as he requested, her sister following behind her. Katrina knew Sam was only trying to be nice now to try and appease her, but she still hoped that today would be the day she would actually start to treat her like a human being again. As silly as it was and as much as it killed her that Sam acted the way she did, she could honestly say she missed having a sister.
“I wanna do Mr. Brightside,” Katrina automatically said as the two of them stood in front of their microphones. “If I have to do this, I want to pick the song, and I want Mr. Brightside.”
“Oh, god, no,” Sam replied. “You used to play that crap every single day when we were kids, just blasting it in your room and waking me up. Even twenty years later, I’m still fed up with that song.”
“Well, that’s the song I want, so that’s what's gonna be-”
“Oh! What about Keane?” Sam asked before turning to Jase. “Do they have ‘This Is The Last Time’? That’s the song I wanna do.”
“Is that okay with you, Katrina?” her brother asked. “You both do have to decide together on this.”
“Ah, fine. I guess Keane is okay,” she agreed, Jase already starting up the song. Katrina let her sister do the verses, and she did the bridges, and when it got to the chorus, they both sang together.
“The last time, you fall on me for everything you like,” Sam sang in perfect pitch, even if she messed up the words a little bit.
“You’re one last line,” Katrina sang in response, not sounding very good but trying her best anyway. “You fall on me for anything you like.”
“And years make everything alright,” they both sang together. “You fall on me for anything you like.”
“And I,” Katrina finished, “no, I don’t mi-i-ind.”
“Wooo, you both sounded great!” Jase cheered, clapping his hands enthusiastically. “Especially you, Katrina! You sounded perfect the whole time, way better than Sam!”
“Don’t lie to me,” she smirked a little bit. “I know I sounded completely awful. Can we go back to sitting down now?”
“Sure, sure. I guess you both did your one song, so you can go back to planning out your wedding.” Katrina sent a look his way at the joke, but didn’t comment, going back to her spot. Sam joined her a minute later, and the two watched their family have a few more rounds of karaoke before more words were spoken.
“I really do love you, Kat… Katrina. You’re my sister and I love you, and I want you to know that, even if I don’t really show it very much.”
“Or at all,” Katrina responded, but still took in her words. They sounded sincere now, like she actually believed what she was saying. She certainly hoped she did, at least. She hated having to be angry and upset about things that should’ve been far buried in the past.
“You know,” she said, “I could help you with your hair and makeup and stuff if you need it. I know more than a few tricks to help you look even better if you want them.”
“It’s been ten years, Sam,” Katrina told her. “Any help I could’ve needed with my hair and makeup is advice that would just fall on deaf ears now.”
“You’re saying a forty-year-old lady can’t listen to advice from her sister on beauty tips?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow. It got Katrina to smile a bit, even if she still wished that her sister had offered up advice years ago.
“I’m still a few years away from that number, but we’ll plan something out if you’re serious,” she responded. “Maybe when Tracy and Quinn are down in Georgia with you, okay?”
“It sounds like it would be very nice,” Sam said, before the two went back to being quiet. There was another pause before she said, “You know, I still can’t believe Jase was trying to throw rocks at that nest.”
It got Katrina to laugh hard at the memory. “What was he thinking?” she asked, trying to speak through her laughter. “Like, what sort of plan did he have in mind? How did he think that would end if he hit that nest?”
“It’s a good thing that lady was driving by when he threw that last rock. If he didn’t hit her car, I’m certain he would’ve kept on going. She might have saved our lives.”
“Saved us from a whole lot of wasp stings at least,” Katrina chuckled. “He was getting close to hitting it I think.”
The two sighed at the memory before Sam said, “I really do love you, Kat. And I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is about right now, but I want to just fix all of this. I don’t know why I didn’t feel that way sooner, but still. I’m going to try.”
“I love you, too, Sam,” she told her sister. “Even if you act… not the greatest to me, I’ve still always loved you. I do hope you can start treating me like your sister, though.”
“I promise I’ll try,” Sam assured her. “I promise I will. Anyway, do you remember that time at the library when…”
The two spent the next couple of hours sitting together laughing at memories, their other siblings eventually joining in. It was during that time when Katrina realized something interesting. It seemed to her like Keane was right. There were more than a few issues she had with a few members of her family, and a few of them had a lot to work on, so much so that she wondered if it was even possible for things to get better, but still. Years really did make everything alright.
