The second Mark changed back into a human, the familiar feeling of hate he had for himself settled back on him, the dysphoria not taking any time at all to make itself known. He did his very best to ignore it as he shut the door to the closet of the library behind him and quickly climbed the ladder into his own closet, not stopping to think about how quickly his body melted and changed into a human from a pony. He did think it was a bit ironic though that the portal was in not one, but two closets, even if that irony made him feel worse about himself. He was in the closet both metaphorically and physically.
He took no time in getting back up to the main floor of his home and heading to the bathroom, checking his appearance in the mirror. It only took a few seconds however to determine that he looked the same as he always did, something that for the first time in his life he felt good about. Only a little bit though. Even despite the comfort it gave him given the circumstances, every single part of his being still wished he would see someone different.
“So I’m not hallucinating then,” he said aloud before covering his mouth with a hand, remembering that his outer and inner monologue didn’t match here. “That all really did happen. There’s a portal underneath my house that turned me into…”
He had to look away from the mirror and head back to his bedroom before he started to get worked up. He shouldn’t have felt the way he did. There was no reason for it. And yet how he felt about himself weighed down on him at seemingly all hours of the day. Sometimes it was the little things; the sensation of hair on his body, how wide his shoulders seemed to be, the pointed nature of his face, the certain stereotypical interests that he had. Other times it was letting himself get caught up thinking about his past, or what he wouldn’t ever be able to do or experience, or the just plain unfairness that he had to feel the way he did. A lot of the time, the feeling was dull enough that he could mostly manage to ignore it, but it was always there, and he couldn’t stand it.
“Don’t get caught up in this,” Mark said to himself, taking a breath as he closed his eyes tightly, clenching his fists. “I’m not gonna get caught up in this feeling.” Even if being transformed helped him to like the way he felt about himself for the first time in his life, he wasn’t going to get caught up in his feelings.
He exhaled and opened his eyes again, moving to boot up his laptop again before stopping. “No,” he told himself. “I’m not…” He let out another breath, having to rub the wetness out of his eyes. Even as happy as it made him and as much as he liked his personality online, he wasn’t Katrina. He really shouldn’t have been entertaining himself with it as much as he did. It was only going to make him feel worse about what he wasn’t. It wasn’t like it was ever gonna happen anyway. Well, except for a few minutes ago when it did.
“I’m going out,” he announced to no one, getting up to put on a hoodie, not caring that it was going to be hot outside. Despite his dislike for going out, he needed to get out of the house and see someone in real life. Eat out, watch a movie, talk about sports, something to help him get over how he felt, at least for a few hours. It wasn’t a permanent solution, it never was, but something was always better than nothing.
He didn’t even bother asking his brother if he was available, simply sending a text to say that he was coming over. It helped that Jason didn’t have a job at all, giving him the ability to go out whenever Mark desired. He might have taken advantage of the situation more had it not been for the person his brother lived with.
It wasn’t very long at all between his text and his showing up to see his brother, Jase already all set up with food to eat for them. It made Mark smile at his generosity as he quickly plopped down into a couch in the living room. He disliked being in this place for a variety of reasons, to the point where he would rather have gone to a friend’s house if he had any in real life. However, he did his best to ignore the sadness that he felt coming off the walls so he could talk to his brother. Before he could say or do anything though, someone he really didn’t feel like talking to walked in.
“Hey, Mark,” his father said, Mark doing all he could to not roll his eyes. “You’re not coming to move back in, are you?” he joked, although without a smile, “cause the answer’s gonna be no. I already have one lazy bum to take care of.”
“Hey, Dad,” he said, not smiling as he did so. “I came here to talk to Jase and hang out with him.” As he said it, he thought to himself that he would never in a million years ever move back in with his father.
“You know, it’s rude to just show up at other people’s houses unannounced,” his father continued. “You should be giving a little bit of forewarning at least. I raised you better than that.”
“I know, Dad,” Mark replied, not wanting to get into an argument. “I asked Jase. He said it was okay. I wouldn’t just show up here without asking first.”
“It’s true,” his little brother told him, Mark knowing that he was trying to prevent an argument between them. “I was the one who told him he could come over. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, you didn’t ask me,” their father continued, not even glancing Jase’s way. “Does your brother look like he pays the mortgage? You don’t have to give me a fucking attitude about everything.”
He closed his eyes and clenched his fists, taking a deep breath. He wasn’t going to get into an argument about how he didn’t have an attitude. He just wanted to come here to relax, although he should've known he wasn’t going to be able to do much of that with his father around.
“I’m sorry. I’ll ask you next time,” he told his father, almost sarcastically.
There was a long pause after that, his father staring at him as Jase fiddled with his phone. Mark desperately hoped he would go somewhere else. He really didn’t like interacting with his father if he didn’t have to. Out of everyone in his family, he felt like the two of them had the most resistance to each other.
“Please go somewhere else,” he silently begged. “Please, just go somewhere else. Let us have a little time to ourselves.”
He cursed to himself when his father took a seat on the couch, clearly wanting to join them for whatever time he spent here.
“So how have you been, son?” his dad started immediately as he sat down, still pretty much scowling at him. “You never come around anymore. What’s up with that?”
“Oh, I can only wonder why I don’t come here,” Mark couldn’t help but think, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes. “This is what I get for not having real friends.”
“I know,” he answered. “I’ve just been busy with work and stuff.” Not a lie. He did work a lot, lately taking on a lot of overtime. But it wasn’t the main reason he was hardly ever seen out, especially with his dad, hence the ‘and stuff’ he added to the end of his sentence.
“Are you still doing that work from home shit?” he asked. “You need to go out and get a real job, like landscaping or something. Put some weight and muscle on you or something. Cut off that mop of hair you have, too.”
“I doubt landscaping pays twenty dollars an hour, Dad,” Mark replied, using a hand to push hair out of his face as it fell down his shoulders and back. “Besides, I like what I do now, which is sitting at home, taking about five calls a night, and writing my stories while I talk to my friends.”
“Are you still pretending to be a girl online, Mark?” he asked seriously, his frown deepening at the idea of it. Mark mentioned it once a few years ago in passing, and his father never let it go since then.
“It’s not right, son. You shouldn’t be going around lying to people like that. You’re not gay, are you? You shouldn’t be tricking guys into dating you. You could end up being killed that way.”
“I’m not gay,” he asserted irritatedly. “Just because I pretend to be someone else for fun doesn’t make me that thing, Dad. It’s not real life. And I’m certainly not tricking guys into dating me because I don’t like men.”
“If you say so, Mark,” Jase suddenly interjected. “I bet in three years you’ll be bringing home some completely jacked guy as your husband, and I’ll be here to support you when that day comes. That’s what little brothers are for.”
“I sure as hell won’t,” their father asserted grumpily. “I’ll disown you, that’s what, especially if you tell me your transgender. If you’re gonna be gay, at least don’t go around tricking people into liking you. It should be against the law. A complete embarrassment is what they are, all those fucking alphabet people.”
“Well, I’m not one of those ‘alphabet people’,” Mark snapped. “It’s not like you have anything to worry about with me, but it says a lot about you that you would hate me and be embarrassed over something so stupid.”
“It’s not stupid. It’s unnatural, that’s what. Makes no sense at all.”
Mark couldn’t help but sigh and close his eyes at that. “I know it makes no sense,” he thought. “I shouldn’t feel how I do, and it hurts that you would hate me for being something that I don’t even want to be.”
“Can we just relax and not argue about shit that doesn’t even matter, please?” he asked after a moment. “I didn’t come here to argue about hypotheticals that you created that don’t even exist. I came here to relax and hang out with Jase and watch ESPN and see who the Cardinals traded for. Can you turn on the TV?”
After that terribly awkward and tense conversation, the rest of his afternoon went well, despite a few more back and forths between him and his father. Talking about sports and politics and movies and whatever else served as a good distraction from himself, especially after what had happened earlier with his house. Sports especially was something he and his father could bond over and not argue seriously about. Before he knew it though, the time for Jase and his father to call it a night drew upon them, and Mark found himself waving goodbye and promising that he would see them again soon.
“That was an okay time,” he decided as he drove home, slightly relieved he was away from the small ache he got being in his childhood home. “Even if…”
Mark had to sigh to himself, gripping the steering wheel harder as he did. That was the crux of his problem. Having to tell other people how he felt. Not that there weren’t other problems. It was all just one big problem, but that was the main thing in his eyes. He couldn’t do anything if he never told anyone else, and telling anyone else was something he firmly decided a long time ago that he would never do.
“Just stop thinking about it,” he grumbled to himself as he drove. “It’s never going to happen, so just stop thinking about it.”
Except it had happened, that very day in fact. He replayed it in his mind as he drove. That feeling of peace, the weight being lifted off his chest- it was unbelievable, so much so that he wished he appreciated it more at the time. The feeling of just being able to stand being in his own body…
He sighed sadly again as he pulled into his driveway and headed inside, flopping down on his bed. “It was probably just a hallucination anyway,” he thought to himself. “It’s not like it was real. Just move past the fact that it’s never going to happen. Stop thinking about it every day. You might feel better if there was just one fucking day you could not think about this.”
He couldn’t help but think about it. In his house, there was a portal to what that girl, Twilight, said was another dimension. One that transformed him into who he wanted to be, even if it was as a horse, and let him feel what it was like to be dysphoria free, if only for a few minutes. Maybe he could...
“No,” he said firmly in his head. “Don’t even entertain the thought. You’re just gonna feel worse when it’s not there. It was a hallucination. It’s not gonna be there. You just have to get over it now.”
It was an impossible task when he had to focus every morning on doing what he could to try and minimize his dysphoria, when basically everyone online knew him as Katrina, when even his inner monologue matched who he felt he should be. Even if he went bald and grew a beard and deleted his online account, the voice in his head would still match the person he wished he was.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions level. Giving in and checking to see if the portal was there was just gonna intensify his feelings when it wasn’t. He’d be basically giving into dysphoria, more than he already did every day, and he knew from past experiences that it wasn’t a wise thing to do. Even still…
“Just a quick check,” he decided as he got up, taking another breath. “Just to force it out of my head.”
The only issue I have with the logic of this story is that Equestria is trying to sue for imminent domain into another sovereign countries territory. That's the kind of thing that would typically be seen as an act of aggression or war between two nations.
I... almost wish I wasn't reading this. it's TOO accurate. it took a literal decade to get over that stage of my life. And now I *need* to see the tension built in this story resolve.
11074794
Luckily for you, this story is completely written, so you don't have to worry about waiting months/years to see a conclusion c:
I'll admit it's a little strange reading a story like this while not relating to it in any way. I know all too well that there are some things you can never fully understand unless you've been in the same shoes, but it's interesting seeing this narrative and at the very least getting a glimpse into this kind of mindset.
11074811
That, at least, is a relief
11074794
As I often say,
11074776
Yeah. The thing is, the ponies would likely win, unless nukes were deployed, or something.
11074864
Considering the magic shields some of them can conjure up, I'm pretty sure they would need more than nukes.
It's a good thing that I want to stab his father, right?
The only issue with the story is that the title always reminds me of mr brightside.
11074917
Yes, yes it is.
Anyone that would disown family, blood related or otherwise, for something such as being gay and/or trans deserves no less.
11074915
That said...
images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/b6b498ba-d46b-428b-9ed2-1fcfdf7d0ace/d90du4l-1acaac02-775c-4b9a-9dba-04f5015bc30f.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7InBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcL2I2YjQ5OGJhLWQ0NmItNDI4Yi05ZWQyLTFmY2ZkZjdkMGFjZVwvZDkwZHU0bC0xYWNhYWMwMi03NzVjLTRiOWEtOWRiYS0wNGY1MDE1YmMzMGYuanBnIn1dXSwiYXVkIjpbInVybjpzZXJ2aWNlOmZpbGUuZG93bmxvYWQiXX0.C21NlEXUApPRB1xbyfkqem6RhobcHO7eorfn0DM2SnM
Oops. Too small.
You... May have to zoom in a touch.
11075148
Starts with those letters, anyway.
I would have more reacted with "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot", myself.
11071968
I actually have an issue with this. A foreign power cannot Eminent domain your closet.
The proper term is "annex". And that's an act of war.
11075288
If the nation in question considers your closet to be part of their country, and doesn't recognise the sovereignty of yours, then they could call it eminent domain. Your country would call it annexation though.
I am looking forward to seeing where this is going.
11074972
I don't know if this makes it worse for you, but all the chapter titles are song titles.
Semi-Charmed Life (Third Eye Blind)
The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
Island In The Sun (Weezer)
How You Remind Me (Nickelback)
I know it's cheesy as heck, but I like it
11075418
thanks i hate it
11075418
But are all the song titles going to be from the 2000ish time period?
11075020
I've seen this picture before
11075322
Sure, but can any principality consider another dimension part of their territory?
It's not like they didn't know what the gate connected to, they called it a Worldgate from the start.
11073998
Age of resistance is a prequel, focused on the gelflings while they still served the skeksis faithfully.
11075645
Ah. Well that makes much more sense
11075501
Yes, 90s to 2000s. I think the newest song on the chapter list was released in 2017 and the earliest was 1993. The average year of release will be 2001 and most of the chapter titles will be songs from that year (already we have Island In The Sun, The Middle, and How You Remind Me from that year)
11075617
If the species on the other side can't even build worldgates can they really be considered sapient for the purposes of national sovereignty?
11075814
A) they just invented them so I doubt that's the line. And if it was, then you don't send legal notices to non sapients lol.
Just ship a nuke back like in stargate.
I just think it might need to be changed in tone to something like:
"Congratulations! Your closet has been selected for a premium upgrade (Narnia class II). Please read the following yearns and conditions. . ."
Alphabet people is fucking funny. I believe it was a comic who said it but I just forgot who
Fuckin' Oof.
I remember when my mom said it was a phase and it'll pass and made me cut my hair way back when. Mfking barber didn't even clean their damn equipment properly (take a look online to see what THAT causes.).
Now I'm living with some new guy (multiple person house rental) who 'doesn't get it and its unnatural.' Can't wait til he leaves.
Oh, no. Homophobic/transphobic dad. T_T
That's where the internalized transphobia stems from.
On another note: I wanna punch the MC's dad. Will their brother back me up, I wonder?
11075418
NGL, this is my favorite part of the story lol. I'm a dumbass.
> antagonizes children instantly upon seeing them
> wonders why they don't come around often
What an asshole. We refuse to call that building a "home". Good on Katrina for not letting that particularly bad attempt at a guilt trip trick them.
Unfortunately this is all too real. This exactly how my father was. When he found out I was bisexual he told me to go burn in hell and to never contact him again. It was a godsend when my mother finally divorced him cause now I can spend the holidays with my family again.
Holy cow!!! That’s a lot of money!
I'm not a fan of the father. Like at all.
I like the little brother though. He kinda reminds me of my own little sister.
My sister is supportive of me no matter what I identify as.
Technically I'm considered transgender because I don't identify my gender as male. Though I don't have any plans at the moment to transition. That doesn't mean I won't in the future. The way I look at it is that you are born male or female (or sometimes both), but from that first moment onwards your gender isn't necessarily going to be. I think of one's gender as being individual. So since there's close to 8,000,000,000 people on Earth, there's close to 8,000,000,000 genders. Most people are going to label their gender the conventional way, and that's fine if that's what feels right for them. I don't see myself like that. I'm just me, myself and I.
Ooh boy this is a fun one. Definitely have had conversations like this before, and I can empathize with like. Most of what Katrina is going through (probably not being in the closet with Twilight Sparkle though). Especially with the family influence she's been shown to have.
Why do family members that act like this feel the need to make differences seem like such a shitty thing?? Why do they think "growing into your own" should mean "growing into someone like me"?
Anyways, this story so far is very good! Its premise is interesting and the dialogue is very well written. The monologues from Katrina and the dialogue between her and her father are often too familiar for a comfortable read in my case, however they do convey just how lucky of a break Equestria's closet annexation truly is. Reading on I hope we get to see Katrina allow herself acceptance. It's absolutely heartbreaking to watch her struggle so miserably with the beliefs her father has imposed on her.
Oh my god that’s harsh!
I am enjoying this. Despite what some of you might think. This feels like a comedy. Simply because everyone feels off; their morals are not my morals.
Let us take the father son moment. We are supposed to take the son's side because father is transphobic (he is) but the son is painted in a bad light beforehand. He calls his brother and not the man of the house for permission (asking the woman of the house would be acceptable but she hasn't appeared yet). Such disrespect and disregard and then we are to side with the son when the father fires back. The father was the most respectful person in that scene. The son knew that stuff would be brought up and he brought it upon himself by coming anyways. (yes, I will use He and Mark until he makes his choice; being respectful of the identity he presently is). It is his house and he has the god given right to express those opinions yet the story is trying to make us side with Mark.
Its a funny sad
Whoa, that dysphoria is kind of strong. Is Katrina/Mark perception of themselves is so powerful that they feel immediately once their body changes? It's also curious how the portal's changes only work in one direction. Would Twilight turn into a human if she went through the portal? Would her human appearance be based on her perception of herself? If so, why it doesn't work that way for our protagonist?
That's what I said!
Their denial is as strong as their dysphoria. Even knowing that they are... a certain way, Katrina is still unable to accept the positive changes and feels shame about them. Internalised transphobia.
Shouldn't feel bad about your interests, Katrina. Your interests don't determine your gender and even if you're interested in something stereotypically masculine as a girl - or the other way around - it doesn't make you any less of a gender you are!
Way to start a conversation, Dad.
Technically right, though no need to be such a dick about it.
Ah, a classic bigoted parent. Always saying how family is important yet quick to disown you if you don't fit into their narrow worldview. Still, kinda weird how he just jumped into transgender conversation right off the bat. Usually parents like that prefer to be in denial, but he's pushing the issue here himself.
Go live in a cave, Dad. Gonna be completely au naturel. Human flight and most of the science made no sense to most people back in middle ages. Maybe that's where your mentality still is.