Coming Out Of My Cage

by Boopy Doopy

(14) Far Behind

It turned out that the makeup did stay on when she left Equestria, and she couldn’t help but look in the mirror. Somehow, despite how masculine she felt she was, despite how little was done, she thought it made her face softer, and she couldn’t help but smile when she saw it. She couldn’t say she really liked what she saw, but her face wasn’t nearly as bad as it was when she woke up. She still wasn’t going to ever come out in real life, but if she ever did, she decided she would buy lots of makeup to help her out. Regardless, it gave her more of that confidence and happiness that she was looking for.

It was a nice time Katrina had hanging out in Equestria over the next few weeks. She brought over her own stuff on occasion, showing off her writing and some of the things she liked. At one point, she brought over her laptop and explained to Twilight the concept of football to both she and Spike, showing them some of her team’s highlights. She had to download the videos beforehand due to Equestria’s lack of internet, but found that her laptop charged automatically just being in Equestria. She pointed out some of the players and explained their positions, Twilight happily listening and taking notes even if most of it went over her head. Katrina thought it was a nice time anyway, and Spike especially seemed intrigued by the idea of it.

Another time, she went to see Rarity to have her makeup completely done up, enjoying the time she spent with her. It made her happy to be treated as she wanted to be, and she practically screamed when she got back to Earth and saw how nice she looked with the makeup still on. She almost considered walking out in public with the makeup on and the dress she got, but forced herself not to. Despite how nice she looked and how wonderful it would’ve been to be treated like a woman, she was still steadfast in the fact that she was never going to do anything in real life. Besides, it wasn’t like makeup on her face would affect her physical appearance, which was still extremely masculine. Not to mention, people would look at her, which was about the last thing she wanted, as nice as it would be to be herself.

Twilight was available most days, but not every day. She explained that she could explore her castle or Ponyville if she wanted to while she was away, although she mostly stayed confined to the distance she already traveled with the mare or within sight of the castle. At one point, she walked to a bakery and was suddenly surprised with a party hosted by the unicorn’s friend, Pinkie Pie. She didn’t do much talking during the event, doing her best to stay farther away from the many ponies there, but still thought it was an okay time anyway.

It continued on like that for several weeks, Katrina heading through nearly every afternoon and spending some time in Equestria, Twilight slowly but surely showing her around Ponyville. Mostly it was just the two of them, Spike occasionally coming along, but every so often, one of Twilight’s seemingly endless pool of friends would accompany them. It was always a pleasant experience, and as much as she thought someone would see right through her, they never did.

It was a very nice time she had, and made her happy, but yet somehow she felt like she was starting to feel worse overall. She tried to ignore it, but she could tell that Sylvia was right. Spending time in Equestria was making her dysphoria worse on Earth. Even if it was just a few hours a day, having a body she was more comfortable in was worsening the contrast she felt with herself on Earth.

Even staying in Equestria, Twilight could see it, too, and one day, she asked about it.

“Are you okay?” she started as the two of them sat in the library, Katrina helping the mare write a short fiction story for her class. It wasn’t anything great, a simple story about a pony befriending an alien, one who felt bad about who they were, but after hearing more about how she was a teacher in a class about friendship, she decided it was something she wanted to do. With as nice and kind as Twilight had been, Katrina wanted to offer up something to her as well.

“I’ve started noticing the last several days you’ve been getting more and more depressed, especially when it’s time for you to head back home. Is something the matter?”

Katrina knew she was just being polite when she asked that. The mare knew exactly what the matter was, but was giving her the chance to say she didn’t want to talk about it. She almost did, too, the words, “I’m fine,” nearly coming off her tongue. Instead, however, she decided to be honest.

“Feeling nice on this side is making me more depressed on that side,” she said. “I- I like the friends I have over there, but I completely loathe going back. Even if I’m extremely uncomfortable being a pony, being a female here is better than being a man over there. Although being a pony has its own set of problems.”

“I see…” Twilight trailed off thoughtfully. “I can tell you don’t like talking about it, but if you want to, we can take a look at your options and see what the best course of action for you would be. I’d really hate to see you get to a point where you’re not enjoying your time here because you’re spending it thinking about what’s going to happen on Earth.”

Before she could object, the mare was already moving away what they were writing on before and setting out fresh sheets of paper.

“Option one,” she started, writing down exactly what she was saying, “is changing nothing. As far as I understand, you’re using your time here as a break from dealing with dysphoria on Earth, is that correct?”

“I- you don’t have to do this for me,” Katrina told her. “I’m fine. I know you’re trying to help me out, but if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I don’t want to impose on what we’re doing.”

“If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to, but it’s not any trouble to me. Actually, I rather like learning about you. You can probably tell, but I don’t really get to talk to ponies like you every day, so it’s very interesting to learn about.” With that, she smiled sheepishly and added, “Actually, I might have been writing down notes on our conversations. I hope you don’t mind. I know Ponyville isn’t the same as where you come from, but if one of my students came to me and said they were transgender, I’d want to be able to understand what they’re going through and give proper advice.”

Katrina felt oddly proud of that, liking the idea that her experience might help someone else in the future. It made her feel like maybe, even as hard as it was, her struggles weren’t happening for no reason.

“Well… for option one, that’s basically correct,” she finally said. “I am using it as a break from dysphoria. I like spending time with you here, but a lot of it is specifically that.” She was close to saying she didn’t like the option of changing nothing, but kept her mouth shut on that.

“Okay, what’s option two?” Twilight asked, writing it down then looking up at her. Katrina expected her to list the options for her, and blushed when she realized Twilight was waiting for her.

“Um, I guess moving here?” she replied. “Benefits are that I wouldn’t have to deal with the fact that I loathe who I am over there.”

“Are there any drawbacks to that?” she asked. “Also, what is that noise that’s coming through the portal?”

“I think that’s my dryer, and yeah. I don’t really want to be a pony, as nice as I feel right now. I like being a girl, but I want to be a woman and not a mare. I know it’s silly and I’m being selfish, but… I don’t know. As nice and as lovely as it is, it… I don’t know.”

What she wanted to say was that being in Equestria felt a lot more like roleplaying than it did being herself. Part of it might have been that she was spending such a limited amount of time in Equestria. Even as happy as she felt, she still felt a little bit incomplete. As nice of a world as Equestria was, it didn’t entirely feel like her world. The dysphoria was gone and she would take this if this was all there was, but it was only almost everything she wanted on the very best days. A lot of days though, more and more lately, it nagged on her that she was incomplete. As selfish as she felt, she couldn’t help but feel like she should be human, too. As awful a place as Earth could sometimes be, especially being in the body that existed there, it felt more like her world. She couldn’t help but be hung up on that.

“I hate having to deal with tails and hooves and stuff. It’s not something I’ve gotten used to yet in my weeks of being here. I like being a human more than a pony, but I know I like being a pony more than I do being a man.”

“It’s okay. Other options?”

“Staying on that side forever,” Katrina replied quickly. “Doing my best to manage dysphoria and not dealing with the contrast between there and here. It’s what I was doing before anyway, and it worked well enough. I was kind of miserable, but…”

She knew what was coming next, the next option she was going to have to give Twilight, and felt her heart race with anxiety. She knew that Twilight would say it was the best solution, and it made her nervous, almost terrified.

“Okay, option four?” the mare asked, and Katrina looked away.

“You know what option four is,” she replied quietly as she looked at her hooves. “You can just say it.”

“If it’s what I remember you talking about before and not something you want to consider, you can tell me that,” Twilight said. “It’s not something I have to decide. If you don’t want to put it down, we don’t have to.”

Katrina couldn’t help but grumble a little bit at that as her ears flattened, quickly saying, “Option four is transitioning.”

“Okay, any benefits and drawbacks with that?”

She remained silent, thinking it over in her head. Not that she had to. She knew exactly what each benefit and drawback was.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Twilight told her after a minute. “We can go out to eat or something instead, or visit some of my friends.”

Katrina closed her eyes and sighed. “Option three is completely out of the question,” she said, causing Twilight to turn and look at her in surprise. “I’ve already spent enough time doing that, and it clearly hasn’t worked. I’m not gonna go back to being miserable when I know it won’t change anything.”

“Okay,” she said, quickly scratching the option out. “Was there anything else you wanted to rule out?”

She closed her eyes for another moment before saying, “Probably number one. I don’t want to… ugh, I already know where this is leading, but I’m never going to have the courage to do it…”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Twilight replied sympathetically, putting her hoof on top of one of Katrina’s.

“I know, but it’s not- I can’t just keep wasting my life doing this. I’m already twenty-six, and before I know it, I’m gonna be thirty, then forty, then fifty and sixty, and I’m gonna look back and see that I just threw it all away hating myself because I was too much of a coward, whether that means transitioning over there or living the rest of my life here.”

She wasn’t crying, but she had her head in her hooves on the table, clearly upset with herself. She heard Twilight open her mouth and take a breath to say something before stopping, which she was glad for. She was going to be very upset if she heard the mare tell her she could take as much time as she needed when she only had so much time in her life to make a decision.

“Is there anyone you can talk to?” Twilight asked. “Somepony who knows what you’re going through and has made the decision to transition?”

“Yes, but I already know what they’re going to tell me. I don’t- ugh! I don’t want to have to deal with this!”

“Can I ask if you know you want to transition? Do you just not have confidence?”

“I… I don’t know. Even if I were confident enough to come out, I don’t know if I’d do it anyway. I’d look absolutely terrible, and even if I didn’t, I’m so afraid the dysphoria would come back. I’m scared that I’ll start down that road and regret it. Versus just moving here where I already look like a cis female, even if it’s as a pony… god, moving here is such a bitter pill to swallow in comparison. Either way, I’m gonna be completely incomplete because I just want to be a human female.”

Twilight blinked at that, not comprehending what she heard. “You… you think if you transition, you’ll still have gender dysphoria?”

Katrina nodded at that, telling her, “I know it’s silly, but I can’t help but think I’ll transition and then the dysphoria will come back anyway. It makes no sense, but it’s how I feel.”

Twilight once again opened her mouth to say something but stopped, looking up at the ceiling. Katrina watched her, wondering what she was thinking before she finally said, “I know it’s not me, but if it was and I was afraid of that, I would go ahead and transition anyway.”

“...what?”

“Maybe I’m misunderstanding or missing something, but, and I know it’s not me, but if it was me, and I had dysphoria, even if I thought my dysphoria might come back, I would transition. Well, actually, I’d move to Earth if it stopped me from feeling so bad and just visit my friends in Equestria, but it feels a lot like you’ve already ruled out the option of moving here. Anyway, what I want to say is that if you already have dysphoria, what do you really have to lose?”

She sighed at that, explaining, “I said it before. Earth isn’t like Equestria. It’s not nearly as friendly and accepting as things seem to be here. It’s even worse because I live in Kansas. Maybe if I were in California or Massachusetts or Oregon or something, it’d be different, but right now, it’s just…” She sighed again, saying, “I’m just a coward, and my cowardice is going to kill me.”

“Well, if you need to move someplace better, money’s no issue. You have plenty of bits in the bank you can use. They are yours after all. Not to mention, Equestria’s always open to having you. If you needed to, I’d let you stay in my castle.”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “It’s a lot of money, but those are expensive places to live. Not to mention I wouldn’t know anyone if I moved away, and I have a job I like here…”

“You can always visit, right? Whether you move to Equestria or somewhere else on Earth. I really think your friends and family would understand if-”

“Wait, stop. Do you hear that?” Katrina looked around, listening carefully. Twilight did the same, her ears lifted up as she waited for a sound.

“You mean other than your dryer, like you said it was before? Cause all I hear is a steady humming coming from that side.”

“No, it’s not- there! Is that coming from my house?” she asked, not waiting for an answer as she got up to take a look, hearing the sound of multiple people talking from very far away, the noise reaching her from beyond the portal. “Who in the world could that be?”

Comments

[Chrome Masquerade]

“I… I don’t know. Even if I were confident enough to come out, I don’t know if I’d do it anyway. I’d look absolutely terrible, and even if I didn’t, I’m so afraid the dysphoria would come back. I’m scared that I’ll start down that road and regret it. Versus just moving here where I already look like a cis female, even if it’s as a pony… god, moving here is such a bitter pill to swallow in comparison. Either way, I’m gonna be completely incomplete because I just want to be a human female.”

“Maybe I’m misunderstanding or missing something, but, and I know it’s not me, but if it was me, and I had dysphoria, even if I thought my dysphoria might come back, I would transition. Well, actually, I’d move to Earth if it stopped me from feeling so bad and just visit my friends in Equestria, but it feels a lot like you’ve already ruled out the option of moving here. Anyway, what I want to say is that if you already have dysphoria, what do you really have to lose?”

There's also the likelihood of being disowned, don't forget.

[Chrome Masquerade]

“No, it’s not- there! Is that coming from my house?” she asked, not waiting for an answer as she got up to take a look, hearing the sound of multiple people talking from very far away, the noise reaching her from beyond the portal. “Who in the world could that be?”

I'm getting to use this a lot lately.

[Level Dasher]

i.imgur.com/TzpDcCK.jpg
I love using this picture. XD

[drFraud]

“Who in the world could that be?”

Our darling Sylvia, came to drag you out of the closet, kicking and screaming.

[blitzlego]

11085548
That or her father which is arguably worse

[SethFilms]

“No, it’s not- there! Is that coming from my house?” she asked, not waiting for an answer as she got up to take a look, hearing the sound of multiple people talking from very far away, the noise reaching her from beyond the portal. “Who in the world could that be?”

ooooh nooo. someone is stealing from him/her!

[Luckyfanisaac]

As awful a place as Earth could be sometimes, especially

[tsaukpaetra]

Well, not making a choice is implicitly a choice too,, and all have consequences..