Coming Out Of My Cage

by Boopy Doopy

(10) Sign Of The Times

It was several minutes after Twilight left before Katrina came back out, her eyes very red and her nose running a little bit. Twilight felt bad and a bit guilty at the sight of her, and wanted to do something to cheer her up.

“What do you say we go visit Rarity and see if she has your dress done yet?” the mare asked, giving her a wide, happy smile. “I bet it’s very close to being done.”

There was a moment of hesitation before Katrina whispered, “No thank you. I’m not in the mood for it. I don’t think she could finish a dress in a day anyway.” She almost said she wanted to, but decided that, even as nice as it would be to try on, it would just make her feel worse.

“Oh, you don’t know Rarity then,” Twilight laughed lightly. “Once she puts her mind to something, she gets it done. I’ve seen her finish a whole collection of dresses inside a week. One dress would be a piece of cake for her.”

She shook her head silently, hanging it low as she closed her eyes. “I’m fine,” she told her quietly.

“Awwww, come on,” the mare pressed. “Don’t you want to see how nice it would look on you? Knowing Rarity, I bet it’d look amazing. Plus, I’m sure if you wanted to, you could fold it up and take it with you to Earth.”

She flinched and grimaced at that and turned away, looking like she was ready to start crying again. She shook her head quickly and remained silent, letting that be her answer.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said quickly before asking, “What if we just went to the park? It’s a nice day outside and the one in Ponyville is very lovely.” When Katrina didn’t answer immediately, she added, “I would need some help walking there, if that’s okay with you.”

There were several moments of silence before she gave a tiny nod, giving the pony an okay in a voice that was barely audible.

It took a few minutes for Katrina to gather herself before Twilight leaned on her for support. She knew the unicorn didn’t really need it, but let her anyway as they walked out of the library and out of the castle. It gave her a reason to go with her and something to concentrate on anyway, besides tumbling over her hooves and what she would never be.

The sun was shining brightly in the early afternoon sky as the two walked, traveling slowly as Twilight directed them to a quiet looking park. There was a small playground in front of them where Katrina saw a couple of children playing and a few mares and stallions sitting on benches chatting with each other. Twilight picked one under the shade of a tree for them to sit at and enjoy the warm air.

“You’re right,” Katrina said as they sat down, her ears twitching at the sound of the birds above them. “This is a very pretty spot. Thank you.”

“Oh, you don’t need to thank me,” Twilight responded graciously. “It's one of my favorite spots in Ponyville. I come here to sit and read when I need to get out of the castle.”

“That sounds very nice,” she replied back simply before the two went to sit in silence, enjoying the day. She closed her eyes and took a breath, taking in the sweet smelling air before going back to looking at her surroundings.

As much as she hated it, the desire to talk about herself felt like it was coming up again, and she didn’t know why. Talking about herself hurt, that much was obvious, but yet the feeling was there. She didn’t understand it at all, and somehow felt a bit ashamed because of it.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you…” she whispered softly, staring straight ahead as she said it. “I didn’t mean to. It’s just, all of this… it hurts so much…”

“It’s okay,” Twilight replied. “I understand. I can’t say I have empathy, but I do have sympathy. I didn’t mean to press either way. I’m sorry.”

Katrina let out a breath, pausing for a moment before telling her, “I- if I could not be trans, I wouldn’t be. If there was a button that said I could be a cis girl, I would press it in a second. Heck, I might even press one that turned me into a cis guy. I don’t want to be this way.”

“Do you think ponies think you want to? It sounds awful. Also, by cis, I assume you mean cisgendered?”

“Yes, cis means cisgender.” She sighed, continuing, “I don’t know though what people would think of me, but I’d say probably. They’d probably say I’m doing this for fun or something. I know for a fact my dad would if I told him that I’m trans. I know how he would feel.”

“I’m sure he would understand if it’s your father. I can’t imagine how he wouldn’t.”

“He wouldn’t. He’d probably tell me I need to get my head examined or something. Actually, he said he’d disown me if I turned out to be trans. As much as I can’t stand him, he’s still my dad, and I can’t just not love him, even if I know he’d just… abandon me.”

“I’m sure your family is kinder than you give them credit for. In my experience, most creatures are much more accepting than they first appear, especially after they understand a pony’s situation. It’s not the kind of thing I’ve known anypony to make a big deal about. I’m sure humans are the same way from what I’ve studied about them.”

“I guess in general, but being trans isn’t the same as telling someone you like a different sports team.”

“I know,” Twilight said softly as she put a hoof on Katrina’s shoulder. “I’m not saying it is. I’m sorry.”

She sighed and continued, “Even if it was that easy and I knew he’d be perfectly accepting, I still probably wouldn’t come out anyway. I mean, I can barely come out to myself as it is, even being dysphoric for the last probably over fifteen years.”

“You told me though, didn’t you?” Twilight asked her encouragingly. “That’s a start, isn’t it?”

“It’s not the same. All you ever saw me as was a girl, except for like two minutes when you came to Earth. It’s easier to say how I feel when you already see me as I want to be. I can’t just go up to my family and say, ‘Hey, you know that son you had for the last twenty-six years? Turns out he actually wants to be a woman.’” She couldn’t help but flinch slightly at her own words.

As she spoke her voice cracked, her eyes getting wet again. Twilight wrapped her good hoof completely around Katrina as she closed her eyes, rubbing her back comfortingly.

“This isn’t fair,” she whispered. “This shouldn’t be happening to me. Being trans is supposed to be something other people have to deal with, like a distant relative or the friend of a friend or something. I hate that I’m so repulsed by myself. I can’t stand this feeling at all! I just want to be myself…”

“Hey, now, it’s okay to want to be yourself,” Twilight tried to tell her, still rubbing her back. “There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I know, but why do I want to be this?” she asked, a question she asked herself silently for years. She somehow hoped that asking it out loud would make her suddenly snap back to reality and take away how she felt, but wasn’t surprised when nothing changed.

“I shouldn’t want this, but I just- I want this so badly, and I don’t know why! Why am I like this? This shouldn’t be happening…”

“I know,” Twilight told her softly. “I know. Nopony deserves to feel so bad. It’s not fair to you at all.”

She cried for a minute before she wiped her tears away and continued, “That’s the hardest part. Even if something at all is better than nothing, I can’t- I wouldn’t ever be able to bring myself to come out. I just- I won’t ever be able to do it. Just thinking about it makes me want to have a heart attack.” She paused for a second before adding, “I guess it doesn’t really matter here, since what I am is just stamped right there on my butt.”

“I’m sure you’ll be able to come out when you’re ready,” Twilight told her kindly. “You’re a very strong pony for being able to keep on pushing for so long. I can’t know how it feels, but I’m not sure I’d be able to do it.”

“Thank you,” Katrina sniffed quietly, rubbing her eyes again. “I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome, ma’am,” Twilight said happily, earning a tiny smile from her. “Also, I’m almost certain no one knows what your cutie mark means, except maybe Rarity or Rainbow Dash, but even they’re not a given. Honestly, I didn’t even notice right away. It took until you flinched when I asked you that question yesterday for me to realize. I thought it was just another cutie mark. But anyway, I doubt anypony would care though even if they did know, least of all my friends. I can’t imagine somepony caring about something like that.”

“I don’t know what a cutie mark is. I mean, I obviously know you’re referring to my butt, but what does that phrase mean?”

“A cutie mark is a symbol of your special talent. It’s what you’re meant to do in life, whether it’s studying magic or building houses or singing songs or something else altogether.”

“Well I can’t possibly see how being trans would be a special talent. If it is, then that’s the worst special talent in the whole world.” She couldn’t help but feel like that portal was mocking her by making her display to all what she was.

“It’s not going to mean that,” Twilight explained. “It could mean anything. Maybe you’re a scientist who helps other transgender ponies with dysphoria, or a writer who writes fiction about what it feels like, or maybe you just help other ponies with accepting themselves. I mean, the possibilities are endless.”

“Well, that last one is just silly. I can barely accept myself for who I am, and I’ve known for years.” As she said it though, she silently thought about the inordinate amount of gender-swapping stories she’d written, feeling embarrassed that the portal she stepped through could tell that about her. She decided to keep that thought to herself, continuing with the conversation.

“But, um, do… do you think anyone’s gonna point it out?” she asked nervously, her heartbeat getting faster at just the thought of it. “I really don’t want anyone to know. They’re gonna look at me differently if they do.”

“I think that’s very unlikely,” Twilight assured her, “but I don’t think they’ll ask either. The others probably don’t know and Rarity isn’t really the type. Rainbow might, but she’s not going to make a big deal out of it or anything. Actually, on second thought, she might not even care enough to ask. But even if she did, I’m sure she wouldn’t just do it publicly. She hangs around those kinds of ponies a lot. I think the acronym she used was BGLQT? I’d need to look at my notes.”

Katrina cringed internally at herself when she heard that. It felt very strange and a bit uncomfortable to think to herself that she was a part of the LGBTQ community. It made sense of course, but it wasn’t something she ever applied to herself or even realized until that moment.

She sighed in relief at Twilight’s answer though. Twilight didn’t seem like one to lie from what she could tell. It made her feel better to hear her say that no one here would care what she was. She still didn’t want people to know, but should it come out on this side, it wouldn’t be something she had to work through or deal with too much. It was much better than what might happen on the other side of the portal, that was for certain.

“I know you indicated it before, but I have to ask. Do people on Earth really care about those kinds of things?”

“Yes, very much,” she said with a sigh. “To put it bluntly, being trans, it’s something people kill themselves over.” Twilight took a surprised breath at that statement, flinching as she continued, “It’s already such an uphill battle dealing with yourself, but when you have to face things like being hated for who you are or being discriminated against or being disowned by your family and ostracized by your friends, or worse, it… it makes it almost impossible to live with.”

“That’s- I can’t imagine anything like that happening in Equestria. That’s horrible.”

“It’s hard, but it’s getting better. It’s not like that everywhere. Even where I live in Kansas, it’s not… it’s not as bad as other places. But it’s still hard. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I were living forty years ago.”

“I’m so sorry,” Twilight replied sympathetically. “That sounds absolutely terrible. I’ve never heard once about anything like that happening here. I can’t even imagine it.”

Katrina sighed sadly. “It is what it is. Just another reason to hate this feeling.”

“You know, part of the rules for eminent domain are that you’re able to receive relocation to another part of Equestria. You could find a place to live here if you wanted to. I’d even let you stay with me in my castle if you wanted to while you searched. It would be no trouble at all.”

“I can’t,” she said automatically. “Even as relieving as it is to be here, as much as I don’t miss being weighed down by who I am, as much as I don’t miss having to deal with people, I- I can’t just abandon my friends. Even if I don’t know what they look like, I can’t just drop out of their lives. Not to mention, my family…” As she said it, she turned to scowl in frustration at her rear, wiggling her flank to reposition her tail.

She sighed and continued, “I just want to be myself. It’s unbelievable how I feel right now. I can’t even begin to describe how amazing it is to feel this way after years of hating myself, years of dysphoria, but…”

“But?” Twilight asked softly, looking into her eyes.

“But the person I am… it’s not a pony. I know I’m sounding selfish asking for more than this, especially with how close I am. If this is the very best I can have, I’ll absolutely positively take it. But I just… being a pony makes me uncomfortable. Not nearly as uncomfortable as I am having to be a man since I can express myself better here, but still. I don’t like having hooves or a tail or a snout. I want who I am to exist on that side, too, as a human. Who I am can only exist over there. And I don’t know if it ever will.”

Comments

[Level Dasher]

I can’t say I have empathy, but I do have sympathy.

That. That's it. I've been wondering how to put into words how I've been feeling while reading this story— that's it.

And that explanation behind Katrina's outlook on everything is just heart-wrenching.

[Moonlight_Mist]

If being a pony makes her uncomfortable even in the very short term, does that mean I right when I commented that ultimately she'd be trading gender dysphoria for body dysphoria if she moved to Equestria?

[Maulet Paya]

O no! Kansas

[Chrome Masquerade]

“Oh, you don’t know Rarity then,” Twilight laughed lightly. “Once she puts her mind to something, she gets it done. I’ve seen her finish a whole collection of dresses inside a week. One dress would be a piece of cake for her.”

If she's especially determined she can do it even faster than that. Remember that one scene in Boast Busters?

[Kek lel]

Im pretty sure I missed the part describing her cutie mark. :v

[Boopy Doopy]

11081414

Or maybe he didn’t know, because turning around, he saw more bright purple hooves that moved at his command, attached to an equine body that he could clearly tell was now his own. It came complete with a bright yellow tail that he had a little trouble in making move and equally yellow hair that fell on his forehead just above his eyes and down his neck and back. Last but not least, he had a stamp on his flank, a picture of a flag with colors that made him blush at their meaning, if he even could in his current form.

That was from Chapter 2

[Kek lel]

11081601
Ah okay. Thank you

[Greenhorne]

11078303
I may have contributed to that idea.

[Teraunce]

you continue to stab me with amazing precision for maximal pain.

[Switch Gears]

very interesting story i almost relate to the character in some ways also its a good story

[Luckyfanisaac]

“I’m sure your family is kinder than you give them credit for.