A peculiar man sits by the fire in a cozy room. Festive decorations hang everywhere around him, and a small table next to his luxurious chair holds a small plate on which sits a strange click-clicking cookie, next to a glass of what smells like gasoline.
Before paying attention to the man, who seems to be busy drumming his fingers in mid-air as if typing something on an imaginary keyboard, let us further observe his surroundings.
Across the fireplace from the man can be seen an enormous tree, apparently made of pure gold in its entirety. Under the conifer are two small presents. The room has neither windows nor doors, and the ground is covered in artificial snow.
“Now that the stage is properly set,” says the man, “It’s about time to introduce myself!”
The man stops his mid-air fidgeting to hold out his arms, allowing the audience a good view of himself. He wears a well-fitted tuxedo around his moderately overweight frame, as well as white gloves for extra refinement. A long, red scarf hangs loosely around his neck and over the tuxedo, in a baffling display of poor fashion. Although the faux-pas would certainly make a certain unicorn cringe, it is the least noticeable detail of the man’s upper body as his head is nothing but a grinning human skull engulfed in bright flames. As a final touch, a classy top hat sits strangely safely atop his continuously combusting caput.
“Welcome all,” the burning man exclaims as he stands up. “I am the author of this silly little story, and I hope you’ll forgive me for pulling that kind of crap on you on this special day.”
The author bows respectfully to the readers.
“It’s just that,” the man continues as he proceeds to pace around the room, “as I know some of you may be getting rightfully frustrated by my lack of progress on this story, I decided to at least do this little thing here to maybe at least entertain you for a while.”
“Also,” the man rambles on, “I must honestly admit that I am disappointed as well about my work ethics. Yes, I should be able to post more words more often, and I can only hope to ever be able to put out thousands of words per day. But let’s face it, it probably ain’t gonna happen. In the meantime, I’ve heard somewhere that it helps creativity to just drop everything and go do something silly for a while. So that’s what I’m hoping to do here; drop the serious business I feel I need to do in favor of something silly and fun that I want to do.”
“But don’t worry,” the man says as he stops a few steps from the middle of the room, somehow grinning wide despite his total lack of lips. “I plan to at least try to make this entertaining for you guys as well! And for that purpose, let me introduce two very special guests: Silver Spring and Dave Smith!”
The man snaps his gloved fingers as he says those words, causing the fireplace to suddenly belch out a lightly smoking pony. The small brown horse lands face-first in the fake snow with enough momentum to slide all the way to the man’s feet, accumulating a small mound of white plastic flecks around and over his muzzle. Gentle wisps of smoke trail after him.
“Hi there, you two!”
The pony opens his eyes with a grunt, revealing them to be spinning wildly in the universal cartoon symbol of being dizzy.
“Whu… wha, what?” The pony asks as his vision stabilizes while he climbs to his hooves. He suddenly jumps to a standing position, craning his neck every which way as he takes in his surroundings in a growing panic. “What’s going on? Where am I?”
“Who-WHAT ARE YOU?” the pony screams as he finally notices me standing next to him. Also screw third person, it’s getting annoying. “Are humans usually on fire?” he adds, probably addressing the hairless monkey in his head.
“Hello, Silver, I’m Destrustor and I am your maker.” I helpfully and not-at-all-intimidatingly offer. “Also; hi Dave!”
The four-foot-tall pony scampers backwards away from me, only stopping once his rear hits the wall that I helpfully dragged closer while no one was looking. Can’t have him backpedalling too far away, right?
“Wha-wha-what do you mean? Who are you?” He asks, apparently trying to push himself straight through the wall.
As I said, …I mean “As I said, I’m your maker: I’m the author of this story. I’m the idiot who decided that putting this asshole,” I point at his own head, “into your head would make for an interesting story.”
“Whu-wha-“ he stammers.
“You are both fictional characters that I created,” I interrupt him with. “We are currently in the insane realm of my imagination, and a few hundred people are currently reading these words I speak right now. They’re also reading this sentence. Oh and they’ve also read everything that happened to both of you since Dave got in there. Because I wrote it. Because I’m the author here.”
He both just stares at me, mouth agape, for a few minutes. Like, really, more than sixty full seconds. Maybe I should offer some refreshments; having his mouth open like that for so long must be making it pretty dry.
“Why…” he finally whispers, somehow not even capable of intoning it like an actual question anymore.
“Drinks?” I suddenly ask, taking off my hat and pulling them out of it as I list the choices. “Water, milk, coffee, orange juice, magnetic wodka, some ferrofluid –Aw! They clumped together again.”
He just keeps staring at me as I try to wrestle the gooey ball of oil, magnetic alcohol and iron away from my fingers and free from the broken debris of the glasses they smashed when the two liquids violently merged. I eventually just will the whole mess out of existence and offer him cookies instead.
“Chocolate chip with caramel frosting, your favorite since just now when I decided that it was your favorite! Come on, take one. They’re free.”
He keeps staring at me. I keep the plate of cookies on my outstretched hand in front of his snout for a few more minutes, in complete silence, gently shaking it every once in a while with an inviting hum. The only other sounds in the room are the soft crackling of the fires, both the one in the fireplace and the one around my blackened skull.
He finally takes a cookie with a hesitant, trembling hoof and simply clutches it to his chest.
I return the plate into the place where things don’t exist and go back to my chair.
“Aren’t you going to eat it?”
He glances down to the cookie he’s holding, having obviously already forgotten about it in the short time I used to seat myself. His eyes dart back to me almost instantly, however.
“No, I’m not feeling very hungry right now,” he basically whispers. “W-what do you want with me?”
“Well, discounting the fact that this whole fourth-wall breaking bullshit is basically my Christmas self-gift, I wanted to thank you guys for being my most popular characters! Yes Dave, I know this room only has three walls, I got rid of the other one just before bringing you both here. Would you mind not talking too much right now? The point of view is currently outside Silver’s head, so the readers can’t read a word of what you think. It’s probably annoying them.”
I let them freak out for a few seconds over the fact that I can ‘read their minds’ as they put it, and then I keep speaking. Hm, where was I? Oh yeah.
“Anyway, I thought I’d pop you guys out of the continuity for a moment to give you gifts! Doesn’t that sound fun?”
I point my finger at the two small presents sitting under the solid-gold festive tree, causing one of them to shoot towards my guests as gently as the phrase ‘comically sudden’ would allow. Silver Spring manages to catch it, which would be surprising had I not decided to write that he would.
“This one’s for Dave!” I shout, clapping my hands. “You can open it for him, Silver.”
Silver Spring looks at me like I’m some kind of overbearing maniac. A weak whimper later and he starts unwrapping it with shaking hooves. The contents eventually turn out to be an absurd amount of bacon, geysering out of the box as soon as he opens it. Yes I decided to use geyser as a verb. It’s my story I do what I want! Anyway, the bacon flies everywhere, covering a good patch of the fake snow around my little pony. He yells out in surprise when the box shoots its contents in his face, pauses for a moment while Dave explains what just slapped him in the nose, and then yells again.
“Humans eat meat?!?”
“Oh yeah,” I ponder, rubbing my skeletal chin, “That conversation hasn’t come up in the story yet, did it? Gotta remember to have you both repeat the mental debate you’re having now.” I grab a piece of bacon and munch on it as I watch them discuss their horrifying differences in diet. Flaming crumbs fly everywhere. Maybe next time I should imagine an avatar of myself that at least has cheeks, this is way too messy.
Dave suddenly thinks something very rude about me and my gift skills.
“Hey, Dave! That is an awesome gift and you know it! ‘A fountain of bacon’ has always been a secret wish of yours, didn’t it?”
“Oh, fine,” I finally relent to his illogical arguments that even if this was what he wanted right now Silver would never eat any of that. “How about this instead, mister ungrateful?”
I pull out another gift from behind my chair. It looks suspiciously like a generic human male entirely gift-wrapped. Silver and Dave stop their freaking out to stare at the new gift for a moment, before Dave’s insistence makes Silver approach the immobile human.
After unwrapping a foot, which Dave immediately recognizes, Silver sets out to rip everything away from the human as fast as he can. When the final piece of colorful paper is finally pulled away, the human comes to life with a gasp. Silver jumps back at the sudden movement as Dave steadies his stance in his newly-returned body.
“So, Dave, what do you have to say to me now?” I ask.
“This is bullshit!” He points a finger at me, “You’re bullshit! I refuse to believe a single word you say, you fucking psycho! Let me out of here or I’ll do my best to kick your fat ass!”
My eye sockets narrow somehow. “A simple ‘thank you’ would have been the very minimum of gratitude for giving you your body back, you know. There’s still a bit to go in the story, and I could make it very uncomfortable for you if you keep up that kind of attitude with me. Have you ever heard of priapism? Chronic priapism? ETERNAL PRIAPISM?”
His face goes all white as he looks at Silver Spring, then back to me. “You wouldn’t…” he simply whispers.
“Oh you bet I would. Just stay there and enjoy your own body for a while instead of being an asshole. It’s time for Silver to open his gift!” Said gift hits said pony in the side of the head as said words are said by me.
“I don’t want to open gifts anymore,” he whines pitifully.
Well, too bad because the gift suddenly opens itself to reveal a full-sized Lemony Loft wearing nothing but a quartet of socks and winking suggestively at Silver Spring. His face reddens faster than the time it took me to give up trying to come up with a decent comparison of chromatic change velocity. He goes all red in the noggin’ super-fast, is what I’m saying.
“Whu-wha-w-what?” he stammers coherently as he sits down to hide his sudden b...elly, “How did she fit in that tiny box?”
Man, who cares. So what if I wrap my Christmas gifts in tiny tardises. Tardii?
“Do you like it?” I ask, completely ignoring his question inside the narrative. “ It’s your sexy workplace crush, and she’s aaaaallll yours.”
“That just makes me very uncomfortable,” he answers, because I somehow failed to make him a total perv. What am I even doing with my life.
“Oh, fine, you wimp,” I say, wiping the yellow pegasus from existence. “What do you want instead?”
“I don’t want anything. Just having him out of my head is fine, really. I do want to go home now, though. Please?”
“Nonsense! We’re having fun here, aren’t we? I brought you here to give you gifts, and you’re not leaving before I do!”
I snap my fingers in quick succession, offering him a wide variety of stuff.
Money? “Please let us go.”
Legions of adoring fans? “I want to go home.”
More cookies? He just whimpers under the pile of cookies.
Becoming an alicorn princess? “Aaaahh!” she screams in her new voice.
Alicorn prince, then? “AaaaiiI’m actually fine with this,” he says, inspecting his brand new wings. Good!
Before he can say anything else, I suddenly stand up, shouting “Eggnog for everyone!” just before approximately fifty thousand gallons of the stuff pour from the ceiling.
When they finally recover from the shock, Dave and Silver find themselves each with one of my arms around their shoulders, huddled together and facing you.
“So that’s the end of that, I guess,” I say, firmly squeezing their drenched shoulders. “I don’t really have any more ideas for ways to comically abuse the two of you, so I’m going to end this chapter soon. Say hi and merry Christmas to the readers!”
They awkwardly oblige, speaking their greetings to what they only see as a blank wall while torn between feeling uncomfortable about the traumatizing situation or feeling uncomfortable about the burning skull inches from their faces. They opt for both.
“Okay, see you next time, guys! I could promise you an imminent update, but I’m enough of a liar as it is, so I’ll just wish you a merry Christmas and hope for the best!”
Everyone pauses for a moment, waiting for the chapter to cut off. Just before it does, I suddenly begin trying to force my two protagonists’ faces closer to each other with my hands on the backs of their heads, shouting “NOW KISS!”
“AAAAHHH! NOOOO!” They scream, doing their best to keep themse
--------------------------------------<cut to credits>-------------------------------------------
NOW KISS
Oh man, doing a bonus Q&A chapter like BronyWriter did once would be fun one day. Oh, If only I had questions from the readers that they'd like to ask to SS or Dave...
Oh well, I'm off to see some family now. See ya!
This...I found this pretty damned funny.
Okay ._.
Being self-aware about it doesn't make an indulgence chapter a good idea, ya goofus. Please get hit by ten buses at your earliest convenience.
Yes. Yes, yes, and more yes.
Just yes to everything, and more.
This story is one of my favorite comedies EVER. Which is made even better because this is not even tagged as a comedy.
Good show, Sir!
Your damn right you don't own a top hat, such shameful lies...
All joke's aside, you got a chuckle out of me. And now we wait for somebody to draw a picture of the "NOW KISS" scene. I know somebody will be.
...
Um-
...
M-merry Christmas to you too..?
Nah, seriously though, this was unexpectedly funny, I had my laughs, thanks, haha.
And really, have a Merry Christmas, both you with the flaming skull but no top-hat, as well as everyone else reading this!
Dude, if he kept the alicorn prince
ssthing outside the story I could see a hilarious attempted rape scene with the princesses and the new princess. Of course Dave would make him rename himself. Awesomelevar, Lord of all things amazing and mind blowing, such as myself....
Or make his name Prince SS. And make him invent Flash Cotton. What's the worst that could happen?
I was expecting a new chapter, but this was a cool surprise. Merry Christmas!
Is it bad I want to do the thing with the eggnog now?
Well, I was expecting another chapter, but this was a pleasant surprise. It made me laugh and that is all that matters. Merry Christmas!
... What the hell just happened?
Your mind is as a bale of polymerized hay; stretchy, bouncy, and utterly baffling.
Until later, I bid you farewell. And a Merry Christmas to you. NOW WHERE'S MY EGGNOG?
3677575 Seeping into the fabric of Destrustor's mind apparently.
Also, I didn't see SS turn back from being an alicorn... Oh the fun we will have....
3673749
SS why must you be such a whiny bitch? Always nagging about what destructors gives you, nag nag nag!
Also why no random Christmas bazookas?
…What th-
Ya known what? I actually liked this.
YOU MOTHERFUCKER. Just when I thought I'd finally escaped that damned game. Just when I thought I'd finally escaped the madness.Escaped from the cookies and the milk and the grandmas. Dear god, the grandmas..
3677575
Iiiiiiii... LOVE IT! Pretty sure Discord loves it, too...
Not bad.
3676957
Neat, thanks!
3676960
Yep :/
3676990
I was actually expecting a reaction like that. I even thought it'd be a general consensus among readers.
3677067
Thank you! ...Maybe I should put that tag on there. Making this funny is not even my main goal here, it just sort of happens. I guess I'm just trying my hardest to make it interesting -for a HiE- and the funny bits are there so that "This may be yet another HiE, but at least they might stay here for the chuckles".
3677081
Oh man, Having fan art of my stuff would be mind-blowing. I would explode or something.
3677153
Thanks, you too!
3677224
Why would rape be involved in anything? Silver is way too much of a
pussykind pony; he'd never do that! Are you saying that the princesses would be the one(s) initiating the action? You underestimate Dave's bonerkilling skills...Also, "Sorry, this video is unavailable" :/
3677273
You too!
3677328
No! Don't do it, that would be a bitch to clean.
3677352
Thanks, I'm glad to make my readers happy.
3677540
A demonstration of why I should never be given god-like powers.
3677575
I'm pretty sure the fifty thousand gallons I poured inside my head were the entire worldwide stock. Try your local grocery, there might be some left.
3677855
"Super non-canon", "pulled you guys out of the continuity"... Yeah, technically none of that ever really happened.
3678242
Like Pinkie's party cannon but for Christmas decorations, or just plain old normal bazookas painted to look like candy canes?
3678311
Yes, sorry.
That was an amazing ending.
11/10
Would Christmas again.
You forgot to add the completed thing though.
3678955
Cool, thanks!
3679092
It's sitting there on my desktop right now as I type this, staring at me.
3679265
Yeah, Discord. I really tried to avoid copying his shtick of 'snap fingers=crazy shit happens', but it's too simple and useful to really refrain from it. I'm sure he'd have had a blast in that chapter.
3680185
Thanks
3680359
It's not finished, silly! Silver Spring still has to punch Twilight in the face at some point...
Oops, spoilers.
3680276
Both guaranteed to kill up to king tigers and decorate the ruins to an extent that Santa clause would be jelious.
I actually enjoyed readin' this. I loved how you described yourself, that's pretty cool.
3680276
You think that trifling amount is the world supply? Oh, ye of little faith in the productivity of an industrialized civilization with an economy centered around consumerism.
So... You look like Ghost Rider eh?
3680377
How is this not finished? This is a perfect ending!
There are no questions that need answered and all my hopes and needs have been all wrapped up by this chapter!
Do not get rid of this. It's amazing.
3676990
The purpose of creative writing is to entertain the audience, and any methods used are acceptable so long as they meet that end. With the exception of you, all the commenters here has been entertained. Therefore, the problem lies not with the author, but with you.
Also, I really want to insult you, but I just can't. You've done it so well yourself that I'm left with nothing. It would be like trying to prosecute a murderer who took a selfie over the body; there's just nothing to say.
3680267
Yes but desperate times call... For desperate... Measures... Yeah Dave would kill it.
Whens the next actual chapter gonna show up?
A pocket dimension, my dear Watson. Everyone has one these days.....
I also side with the non-deletion of this chapter.
>>>Some astute readers may have realized that this depiction of the author contains some amount of embellishment, if not outright fabrication. They would be right: I do not, in fact, actually own a top hat. Please forgive my lies.>>>
I KNEW IT!!
*Alondro, the Deus Ex Insert, roars into the story atop his Cosmic Lightcycle Space Harley (now with chromed Borg Sphere wheels! ) and points an accusational finger of DOOM at the author* THOU HAST FILLED MY INBOX WITH LIES, FOUL DEMON!! For this, there is only one punishment! IMMA FIRIN MAH FALCON PUNCH!!
*And so the outrageously ludicrously over-powered meme attack destroyed the author... and half the universe...*
The End!
3673749 I just had an Idea for a story in this chapter so THANK YOU.
3682035
Well, you might be right after all, 3685938 just killed me...
3684361
3682224
Okay, I'll keep it, perpetually moved back to the end as I put out new chapters.
Also, no need to start insulting other people in my defense now, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Still, thank you for that calm response to an angry person.
3684006
Woah, what's the hurry there? Asking me every week isn't going to make it happen any sooner you know.
3686063
Oh, well, you're welcome, I guess. Let me know how that turns out.
3686434 You are now in pony hell where you are doomed to write silly pony fanfics FOREVER!!!
3686434 Don't move this chapter back every time you post a new chapter. If you did that it would acquire all the comments made on the story page, because those get added to the last chapter.
3687237
Wow, really?
But then, if I leave it here, it's just going to be a huge jarring bump in the flow of the story...
I don't know what to do anymore.
3686560
AAAAaaaiiI'm actually fine with that.
And also that other one I can't link because the word penis is mentioned in it.
3686434 Don't get me wrong, I'm not insulting him on your behalf. I find that the best way to educate people like that is to make them angry while giving the information. A matador provokes the bull so that he may deliver the blow, and I provoke the ignorant so as to deliver information.
3688494
Not a problem. If you just leave it here people can skip it if they want. This way you avoid potential technical problems as well.
Juuuuust read that last chapter. I could never pull off something like that. But you pulled it off really well. Thanks for the holiday treat, even if I didn't read it till after new years.
At first, I wasn't angry at this chapter at all.
But now every time I see it in my favorites section, I go:
"Didn't that update? I can't remember an update... Oh... AASJHASJSAJHSAHJASJHASG!"
if you had written the last chapter differently i would have said this would have been a strange nightmare for one of them
3680377 How many resets are you at? I'm at 6 and currently have 3950 heavenly chips.
also loved the chapter ^.^
It's a great bit of silliness that diverges from the slightly less silly story, it kinda gives us a break from the extreme levels of trauma and have a good laugh.
3750567
Behold my incredible absence of life:
(legacy started:) a long while ago, with 28 resets.
10839 heavenly chips.
Also, I usually let it run idle for up to 60-80 hours before each reset. It has basically been running in its own window on my computer for the past three months now.
I can pretty much get to 100+ condensers within the first hour after reset nowadays, thanks to all those chips.
...Yeah...
3750936 xD sounds a lot like me. Though I rarely reset until I reach a terribly inefficient objective. I've been playing for 3-4 months now as well but am clearly doing worse :p
I still don't have 3 of the Christmas 'chievs. though on the other hand I have managed to get both true neverclick and speedrun lvl 2. I wonder when the dungeons update is finally going to roll out?
3750986
My "trick" is to let the wrinklers do their thing. The wiki actually explains it in detail, but the gist of it is that having all ten wrinklers at once for extended amounts of time is basically an effortless 6X multiplier to your CPS. And it's much better to pop them all at once by using the elder pledge, as each one refunds cookies based on how much you are withered at the time of popping, and "all at once" makes them all calculate the refund at the highest amount.
You should also reset more often; the heavenly chips are worth it much more than the progress you'd get from long runs.
And always gather huge amounts of cookies before resetting, as the chips are granted for both your lifetime total cookies, as well as those you have in the bank when resetting. This means that any unspent cookie you have when you reset actually counts more than if you had spent it just before. And not to mention that the calculations for both types (Lifetime total and currently-in-bank) are different in a way that makes unspent cookies give you much more chips than they would otherwise.
So yeah, reset often, and let the wrinklers give you boatloads of cookies before each time.