Chapter twelve minutes of madness
Chapter 12
-Who in the ever-fucking loving sacred taint of Christ builds a fucking road that leads directly to the fucking edge of a fucking cliff?!?!
“…Fuck.”
So of course I was in deep shit. I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out at the dark trees below while basically ready to spit out my lungs. I had been running really fast in the past few minutes, you see. The reason why was because of course I had been somehow spotted by those two dudes while trying to flee. That’s one of the many bad things about running for your life in a town you don’t know anything about; you might end up running in circles and bumping right into the bastards you’re running from.
“Okay,” the one on the left said, almost as out of breath as me. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, or even how you’re even doing it, but you can’t run anymore.”
“Yeah, don’t try anything stupid,” the slightly-smaller, kinda-green one added. ”And we can end this stupid chase.”
They took a step towards me, and I hesitantly took a half-step back. “Stay back, you assholes! I’m… I’m gonna jump!”
They paused, and a wry grin crept up on Lock’s face. “I doubt that,” he said. The green one, Key I think his name was, looked at him with a much less confident expression.
“Are you sure? He looks pretty serious.”
“Of course I’m sure.” Lock fixed his gaze back on me after a quick glance to his accomplice. “You’re scared senseless about what Nov— …Smiles is going to do to you; you’re running for your life. And now we’re supposed to believe that you’re so worried about your safety that you’re going to kill yourself? Really?”
I took a peek at the cliff behind me; I couldn’t see the ground from where I was standing, with my head still a few feet from the edge. Some trees helped hide the distance; but only the tallest ones even came close to matching our own current height. It was a pretty big drop, I’d guess, but maybe there was a way to reach those trees and grab on to break the fall?
Vivid, wonderful images of Silver’s body splattering on the ground came to mind. No, I wouldn’t want bones sticking out of those limbs. These limbs that weren’t mine, actually. What would happen if I broke them? Well, aside from the incredible pain, I guess? Silver would wake up to a destroyed body, with me as the culprit. If he woke up. What if I killed us? What would happen to me if Silver died? Would that technically make me a murderer, or would I just die with him?
What if he died and I was still stuck in his head?
I shook my head. Nope, this was definitely a scenario I didn’t want to keep thinking about. I… I had no right to decide taking such a risk. Whether or not my own life was at stake, I couldn’t possibly justify playing with his like that. I had already fucked things up enough as it was.
I hung my head with a sigh of defeat. “Shhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiit, you’re right…”
“Wow Lock, you’re good.”
“Well, we’ve been working for a shrink for years now, I guess I caught a few tricks.”
“Okay,” I said, “I won’t jump, but I will fight you if I have to!”
Lock grinned. “Oh yeah, that’s terrifying; a single pony so drugged out of his mind he can’t even look straight. You won’t catch us off guard like you did at the clinic.”
They both took a step forward, and I instinctively took one back. It turned out to be a bad move however, as I was reminded by one of the hind legs that I was on the edge of a goddamn cliff. I retrieved the hoof from what felt like the bottomless pit it had stepped into; and put it back on solid ground. Great, just fucking great. Having your heart beating fast enough to lose the ability to distinguish individual beats is always such a wonderful feeling!
“Wait!”
The shout came from the other side of a small, bushy, and rocky outcropping a dozen feet down the road. Said road bended around said collection of boulders, and disappeared from sight behind it; that was how I hadn’t noticed the cliff before it had been too late. It was also how none of us had managed to see or hear the three approaching ponies before they suddenly burst onto the scene.
Leading the group was that rainbow bitch, flying a few feet off the ground while impatiently checking over her shoulder at the other two, as if she wanted them to hurry up. Just behind her was that turbopink thing that had talked to us yesterday morning, hopping along at a speed I wouldn’t have expected from something whose four hooves didn’t seem to actually move.
And just behind them, visibly out of breath and struggling to keep up, was Twilight Whatchamacallit.
Oh, awesome! I didn’t want my heartbeat to slow down until next week anyway! Producing a lethal dose of adrenaline has always been my favorite hobby!
…They were going to want to break my legs, weren’t they?
She looked up at me. “You,” she said to me.
“Me?” I uneasily answered her.
“You.” She growled at me. “We need to talk. I can’t even begin to list all the advanced magic classes I’d need to make you take just to explain how unlikely what you did was.”
“Don’t worry Miss Sparkle,” Lock butted in just as Twilight was about to begin a new sentence. “We have this all under control! Please stand back and let us do our job; this pony is unstable and dangerous and-”
“Nopony’s going anywhere! I have a scientific mystery to solve! How did you manage to break my nose?”
“He did what?!” The rainbow one jumped in the air and screamed, beginning to lunge at me. My instincts made me take a step back, which I immediately returned. My instincts are stupid when there’s a cliff right behind my back.
Oh sure, Heart; keep tacking on more beats per second! I’m sure it’s useful while I’m standing in place like a potted plant!
“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry it was an accident!” I yelled, closing my eyes while I waited for that asshole to barrel into me and send us both over the edge of the damn cliff.
“It shouldn’t have been an accident!” I painstakingly opened one eye to see the blue horse wrapped in a pink aura, holding in midair with an air of annoyance on her face. “It shouldn’t have been possible,” Twilight continued under her glowing horn. “That wasn’t just normal telekinesis; it was a self-defense spell my brother showed me when he was training for the guard. It was supposed to paralyse you on a mental level by activating the paralytic reflex the brain uses to naturally prevent sleepwalking in most ponies. You shouldn’t have been able to move at all!”
“I guess that’d be cool and all if I wasn’t technically already sleepwalking right now. Didn’t I tell you I couldn’t sleep?”
“But you’re obviously awake,” deadpanned the suspended pegasus.
“Yeah, I am! I can’t sleep, and sleep can’t actually stop me from moving, apparently. Silver, on the other hand, is definitely in the land of pillows because of a certain pair of assholes who drugged us!”
“Wait,” the pink mare raised a hoof while I gave the stink eye to the slightly confused faces of the two idiot jerks. “Aren’t you Silver Spring?”
“No I’m not!” I said, a bit louder than was strictly appropriate. “That’s exactly my problem! I woke up in his dumb head yesterday morning and I’m stuck in here and I just want to leave and I was trying to find help but now I’m sure these two motherfuckers and their psycho bitch boss have something to do with it because they put something in Silver’s coffee and-“
“Please, Ma’am,” Lock said to Twilight, “you can clearly see he’s not in a right state of mind! Help us take him back to Miss Smiles so he can receive the pro-“
“Wait a minute!” The pink one suddenly yelled. “You said yesterday morning right?”
“Uh yeah…” I replied, although she seemed to ignore me completely; she suddenly looked intensely fascinated by her tail. She looked at it for about a second, before lowering her rump all the way to the ground in order to free her front hooves by sitting down. She then used one of those to check her breath and then pat her left ear cautiously.
“So if you just got here yesterday morning,” she said through a slightly unsettling grin, ”would you say you’re new in town?”
“Uh, I guess. It’s a bit more than that, but yeah, I’m pretty new here.”
We all kinda stared at her while she shook on the ground, her manic grin somehow growing even wider.
“FINALLY!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, making everyone jump away from her in surprise. While everyone was still stunned by her outburst, she crouched low, hiding from my view behind the huge cloud of pink hair that suddenly jumped up from just below my face and turned out to be her own damn head and what the fuck oh shit!!!
I would have fallen off the cliff right there if she hadn’t grabbed me to pull me into a bone-crushing hug, spinning around one full circle before dropping me back where I used to stand.
“Oh my gosh hello hello hello! I’ve been looking for you all over town all day everyday since yesterday and now I finally found you so this crazy doozy can finally stop so I don’t have to eat breath mints by the hooffull and don’t get me wrong breath mints are nice and all but oh boy am I glad that it’s over and anyway hello new pony or brain worm or whatever you are and welcome to Ponyville! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?”
Suddenly the two goons didn’t seem so scary anymore for some reason. The pink terror stepped back, a huge shining smile on her face while she caught her breath.
“Wait. Pinkie, you believe this guy?”
“Well of course, Twilight! My Pinkie sense is always right, especially when it stops! And since this doozy just stopped as soon as I met this not-Silver pony-person-alien-thing, that means he’s the new pony in town that my sense was telling me about! My tail stopped zig-zagging, my ear doesn’t flop by itself anymore, and my breath is super-fine! That means he’s the one I was looking for all along! Even those weird cramps at that weird place have stopped!”
Twilight rubbed her chin with a hum, narrowing her eyes. “Interesting…”
“Twilight, seriously?” The rainbow buzzkill interjected. “He punched you in the face! Why are you even thinking about this? Just let these guys throw him in the slammer and be done with it! He’s insane and violent and I have half a mind to punch him myself and you’re humoring him? We’re supposed to be having a sleepover for pete’s sake!”
“Yeah ladies,” Lock opened his damn trap once again, “please leave this to us and let us get out of your hoo-“
“WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIT!”
A whole crowd of nearly identical ponies all wearing perfectly identical uniforms walked out from the very same bend in the road Twilight and her friends had burst forth from. Leading the group was a hugely fat stallion, his coat being anywhere between grey and dark blue in the moonlight. His impressive mustache, despite how the hell can ponies even have facial hair, was unmistakably a stunning shade of orange, just like the few strands of mane poking out from under his cap. The seven or so other ponies jogged lightly in step with his own frantic, nearly-breathless sprinting.
“Okay everypony,” the mustachioed tub of lard managed to squeeze out of his throat before taking at least thirty seconds to catch his breath, “…This cliff party is over!” He straightened his posture, making sure the badge pinned to his shirt was clearly visible to all. “Constable Spud Donut here, and this nest of complete illegalitism ends now! Noise complaints have been filed and reporterized to us and I’m here with my squad to put the culprits in the slammer! Nopony endangerifies this town’s quiet nights under my watch!” He stomped a hoof on the road to punctuate his sentence.
The choking knot in my throat told me I might have reached my stress limit. Maybe it was the guilt associated with indirectly and also directly ruining someone’s life; maybe it was just the simple fact of having been pursued by lunatics for the past few hours; maybe it was even the deadly cliff I was teetering next to like a drunk; or, despite the fact that pinkface had stepped way back since the hug, she and everyone else was still way too close to my personal space; or just that said space was currently stuck between a goddamn cliff and a whole crowd of small, mind-cheesing talking horses that I wanted nothing more than to run away from! It was like a party in my brain, where Fight-or-Flight had decided to start wrestling Guilt and Hopelessness on the buffet table while Nope and Reason could only watch the mess exploding everywhere while enduring Confusion running naked and screaming around the room.
Needless to say, this mental party required a lot of blood to pump upwards to the brain, and said blood decided to bring Silver’s lunch along for the ride.
In short, I barfed his guts out, all over the road’s packed earth.
“Okay, this is getting ridiculous,” Twilight exclaimed, “I’m glad you’re here, officer. Now we can properly bring this situation under con-“
“That applies to you as well, miss,” The police guy said, cutting her off. “Last I heard, you’re a civilian like the rest of everypony here; and loitering, disturbing the peace, and obstructination of a class five heavy load pegasus launching ramp are all illegal for civilians without the proper permits! Additionaletly, you’re standing between officers of Equestrian law and the suspected culprit of a case of assault you personally reported; which could be interpreted as obstructing the law if you don’t immediatingly return to your residence.
“Whaaaaaat?” The three mares said in unison.
“You may be highly esteemed members of society, ladies, but you’re not above the law. No one is above the law!”
“Hey, buddy!” Feather-face got all up in mustache-face’s face, “Do you even know who you’re talking to? She’s Princess-“
“Rainbow,” Twilight interrupted her friend, “please don’t start trouble with the police. Also of note; why isn’t anyone doing anything about the sick pony stumbling at the edge of a cliff?”
Now that she had mentioned it, it was definitely getting harder to remain standing for some reason. My limbs seemed to twitch randomly, a sudden and still increasing problem that had decided to spring up as if being drugged wasn’t enough.
And then I faceplanted, thankfully avoiding most of the puddle I had expelled a few seconds prior. I kept twitching lightly, uncontrollably for about two more seconds before I managed to mutter a very confused “what?”
--Whuu? What’s going on? Where am I? What’s that on my face it’s all warm and slimy and it stinks and…
“Eww,” I said, standing back up the same way I wiped the vomit off my face with a hoof; completely automatically, as if I wasn’t in control anymore. “Wha, what happened to me? Why does my face hurt so much, wh-…”
And here I thought I couldn’t panic any harder. I definitely underestimated Silver’s ability to scream internally, when he noticed how many ponies were looking at him; as well as who those ponies were.
-Oh hey, Silver! Glad to see you’re back with us, buddy! Hah… hehe… Uh, things have gotten a bit… complicated while you were sleeping. Want me to tell you about it real quick?
--For the sake of preventing my heart from exploding, I’m honestly not sure if I want to.
The other ponies seemed slightly taken aback by our sudden wide-eyed stability, as their own wide eyed stares indicated. I think they noticed something weird had just happened. Silver apparently felt it would be a good idea to bring back the old fake smile, nonchalantly taking a casual step back.
A huge spike of panic, a quick retraction, and a glance backwards later, Silver took a big calming breath and exhaled it in something that sounded vaguely like a scream of “Why the ffffffheck are we on the edge of a fuuuuureaking cliff!?!”
-Okay, cliff notes: We were idiots who drank drugged coffee. You fell asleep, I got up for you instead, and then I ran the fuck away, I tried talking to Twilight and it went bad, so I ran away again, then I got lost and ended up here, and then everyone else caught up to me, and then you woke up and here we are. Also that barf is yours, those bumps on your head are my fault so sorry about that, and I guess I punched Twilight in the nose even though she seems fine now for some reason.
“You did what?!”
“Who did what?” Pinkthing asked excitedly.
-I punched Twilight in the face, and I think I broke her nose or something. There was an awful lot of blood.
“You punched her in the fa…” He gasped. “That means I punched her in the face! Oh no!”
“Aha!” Officer hairy lip shouted triumphantly, “We have a confession it seems! Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step away from the cliff and follow me to the station.”
“Um,” Lock tried to say something, but was quickly buried under Silver’s profuse and desperate apologies.
“No nononono please mister officer, I can explain! I can’t go to prison, there has to be another way!”
“Look, everyone,” Lock stepped forward, speaking in a tone between soothing and pleading. “He’s clearly unwell in some way; can we just, for his sake, bring him to the professional help he-“
Twilight, Rainbow face, Silver himself and basically pretty much everyone shouted “NO” at the same time.
“He belongs in prison like the criminal scum he admittered he is!”
“Well I’m not pressing charges and I want to talk to him!”
“Yeah, just let Twilight handle this, officer, she probably outranks you anyway.”
“I don’t even know what we’re shouting about! Woohoo!”
“We’re just trying to do our job…”
“I just want to go home!”
-Me too!
“And Dave too!”
There was a certain pause, where everyone looked at each other with an almost menacing frown. Silver was still panicking, his eyes darting from one group to the next. Skittles-face snorted at the cops, the pink thing happily bounced in place next to her friends, Twilight seemed to be trying to say something but reconsidering every time a sound left her lips, Lock and Key whispered frantically to each other while sparing occasional glances at us, and the fat cop leader guy just pivoted his head left and right to look at each group of non-cops with a growing expression of outrage.
And then they all started to yell over each other’s voices, having apparently decided that when diplomacy fails, the only other way to win is to be the loudest. To my surprise, this actually went on for almost a minute, Silver feebly trying to object to whatever they said; until the two goons suddenly nodded at each other before breaking into a sprint in our direction.
“Aw heck no!” ‘stache cop shouted while his subordinates tackled Lock and Key to the ground. “That’s it! You’re all under arrest! I don’t care who you all are, you’re coming to the station right now!”
The other cops shared a glance, shrugged, and started spreading out; three headed for Twilight and friends, while two more began calmly walking towards us.
Silver hyperventilated a little.
Rainbow Whatever didn’t hesitate for a second to punch the cops, beginning an outright brawl. The two cops who were bearing down on us failed to notice the tussle between Lock, Key, and the two cops who had tackled them; resulting in a big heap of tripped and wrestling ponies.
Silver’s heartbeat soared higher than ever before.
The two fights somehow managed to get tangled in each other, merging into a huge chaotic mess of punching limbs and kicked-up dust who swallowed all who came near. Pinkhorse, yet to be drawn into the vortex, just gleefully divebombed into it.
For some worrying reason, the cloud of violence seemed to be getting closer. Silver looked around in panic, trying to see a way to escape.
We peered over the edge of the cliff.
-Silver what are you doing.
A glance back at the ball of chaos told us it was indeed still getting closer. The cliff somehow seemed more inviting.
-Silver, seriously. I’m really really scared now.
The trees below still hid the ground, but the cliff face itself was peppered with ridges and protruding stones.
Blood pounding so hard that it was becoming difficult to see anything, Silver looked back at the fight again, then at the cliff again, back at the fight and the cliff once more.
-Please fucking answer me.
Our hooves lunged forward, leaving the safety of the solid ground.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING
All four of them landed on a stone the size of a dinner plate. The two front ones pushed back up, allowing Silver to twist our body until we were standing up with our back to the cliff, where he let the front legs carry him downwards and to the side, hopping to another protrusion in the Cliffside, and then another and so on; mountain-goating our way down like a freestyling pro. I might have been impressed if I wasn’t so busy fearing for my life.
As we went further down the cliff, the last thing we heard of the commotion above was a new, oddly familiar voice, very loudly shouting:
“WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!”
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augh,. please just get to the point where someone believes and helps him?
This is what I hate about these kinds of stories--- the author has everyone carrying every idiot ball they can grab, just to justify lengthening the story.
yay, updates.
5742763
That's what pinkie pie just did.
and now twilight suspects there's some truth to it.
a lot happened for just 4k words actually.
I AM SPIDERS NOW!
This is a great ride, please right the next chapter as soon as possible.
Also, Silver's mountain climing has started to actually useful, I think this great because it shows that Silver is not a complete wimp at every thing and can actually surprise us.
Why can't I like this more than once?????
5742902 YOU ARE SPIDERSES NOW!!
I am a Big Mac Spider now, why?!
(The insanity of this story has compounded Alondro's typical insanity and led him to become.... Super Insaniyan!)
I really hate people who think they can arrest you for stupid crap...glad I'm not there.
5742964 DO NOT TEMPT THE SPIDERS! They are beyond the physical forces that govern our mortal world. They feed from the from the twisted convalescence that is our minds. They are the engineers of our past and future. The spiders are that which we desire, yet cannot hold.
I am spiders and I ask you now...
what are spiders to you?
5742902 You mean everything is all big and 8? Nuu!
Silver seems to make everything worse.
I am curious as to why a police officer not only didn't recognize princess twilight, but thought that he had the authority to arrest the person that was essentially his boss. Was he really that stupid?
Yay! Stuff happened!
Huzzah!!!
5743052 The spiders will come!
Heed my warning!
Then he died.
The end.
Yay, new chapter. It's good to see you relieving some of the buildup and advancing the story. I usually don't like shaggy dog stories.
EDIT: I predict that's Luna saying to wait.
5743012
Delicious.
buzzodd.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/2-Fried-Spider.jpg
5743426 Too... much... SPIDERS
SPIDER level is OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!!!!!!!
Heh. That cover art makes the guy look like a giant brown rabbit. Can't believe I only just now noticed just what it kept making me think of.
5743086
She's not a princess yet.
I started writing this a good while ago, before she became one in the show, and I don't really want to retcon her into being an alicorn just to fit the show's changes.
This story canonically takes place somewhere between seasons two and three.
In this continuity she's only just a unicorn who helped save the world about twice.
*dances around singing* Yay an update! yay an update! weeeee!
*comes to a stop* more please!
*finds this in the features*
*eventually completes this chapter*
*excited to start the next one*
*doesn't find next chapter*
*checks the dates of each chapter*
*has a heart attack*
5743767 You and me both.
And now we play the waiting game.
5743086 Probably because even the Boss isn't above the law. (Even governors and presidents have gotten parking tickets. *shrug* It happens.)
I require more, this is to awesome.
And now, we begin the wait.
media.giphy.com/media/eNTxLwTGW7E64/giphy-facebook_s.jpg
And now to help with the wait, here's some random music that is completely irrelevant! Enjoy!
When the disembodied voice in your head is having more rational thoughts than you, anything you do is bound to cause unwanted stress.
Silver should really just let Dave do everything for a while.
5744941
Oh my gawd someone noticed* my super-sneaky scootachicken joke at last!
*or at least finally decided to mention it after noticing. I do hope you're not the only one who did notice.
5742726 Someone got first...
Update! Oh yes, update! And Silver knows parkour! #swag
5742726 [This space is the silence in response to the silence in your intentionally blank space.
5745149 Lol.
I'm special.
This is probably the most frustrating story I've ever read. Everybody is an infuriating idiot and I want them to die. I'm definitely not sticking around for the rest of it.
awww yis update
FINALLY! AN UPDATE! I have no room to talk because I update once in a blue moon... but I'm happy this story updated
Warning: This chapter contains gratuitous amounts of loud noises.
5745149
Yay, you're back!
I read the last paragraph, and for a second I thought his cutie mark really meant that he could slinky... I feel like an idiot but that would have been awesome.
I hope Twilight and her friends don't quickly come to believe Silver about having an alien in his head. They should conclude he's insane, because that's what sane people would think. And when they do realize that Silver is indeed sharing his head with an alien, it should only have been after a lengthy and difficult process on the part of Silver and Dave to accumulate a great deal of hard to dispute evidence. It's an irritating and inane idea that the ponies must be holding the idiot ball just because they don't throw reason out the window in stories like this and believe the true yet utterly absurd claims of the protagonist. Having a high standard of evidence is a GOOD thing, people.
and that is how story ends
Okay, this chapter was pretty awesome. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
5747575 Pinkie Sense.
5747575 Thats what a sane person would think indeed...on Earth.This is Equestria the land of magic.Who says they have to think exactly like us?
This is awesome!!!! please continue!!!!! I am about to explode from cliffhangers!!!!!!
5743012 They are the weavers of the web of fate...
At least according to Pete Abrams.
5742763
Would you believe someone who stumbled out of nowhere one day claiming to have a magical pony stuck inside his head, or would you kindly direct them to the nearest mental hospital?
5752712 No, but I don't live in a world where batshit insane magical crap happens right on main street on a near hourly basis. C'mon, here, their RULING PRINCESS was possessed by dark magical forces once.
Look, if you're going to have someone in a FANTASY SETTING going "I can never let anyone know, they'll think I'm insane", first you have to thoroughly establish that what they're experiencing is not feasible even in their world, and second, that insanity is a thing in their society. In a high-magic fantasy setting like this one, a diagnosis of insanity should be incredibly hard to get, because even the average layperson is aware of dozens or even thousands of possible magical causes for what the patient is experiencing. The patient should be far less paranoid about being diagnosed as crazy than he would be about being diagnosed as, say, possessed.
Welp, my theory went out the window
5753770
Evidently they're at least somewhat aware of mental disorders, considering they have dedicated psychologists and clinics. I'd imagine that it would follow the opposite process; if your condition doesn't match any known psychological conditions, then they'd search for magical anomalies.