• Published 9th Sep 2012
  • 16,919 Views, 902 Comments

My Voice in a Head - Lord Destrustor

A human finds his mind stuck inside a pony's head. Both are understandably freaked out.

  • ...

Chapter three hundred words per minute

Author’s notes: Again, plain text is narration/MC’s personal thoughts, quotation marks indicate spoken and audible words, and lines in italics are only ever heard inside the main protagonists’ head. Dave “speaks” with -, S.S. thinks with --.

Chapter 3

The sun was bright, the breeze was cool, the birds were weaving their peaceful melody in and around the unashamedly antique-looking town, and the smell of plants and nature and flowers was everywhere. That was not what made the brown pony named Silver Spring stop his frenzied run halfway through his yard, fighting to regain his composure and slow his breathing to a more manageable level. It was, instead, the face of another pony. A mint green unicorn who had taken a startled step back after almost having a head-to-head collision with the pony I found myself passively inhabiting.

-You’ve got to be kidding me.

Overcoming her surprise, the unicorn returned to the half-worried, half-puzzled expression she wore before the near-impact.

-How the hell is green a natural hair color?

I felt my lips-his lips part ways to reveal a forced, hopefully-honest-looking smile as he tried to suppress the stress in his voice:

“Hi there, neighbor!” My ja- My host’s jaw stayed clamped shut while he forced the words through his very-probably-creepy-looking smile. “What a fine, perfectly normal day today is, isn’t it?”

-And it’s a unicorn. A candy-green, flippin’ unicorn is standing right in front of me.

The flipping unicorn took another step back, obviously worried and possibly fearing for her life, before warily answering:

“Uh, are you okay?” She cast a quick glance to her right at another pony watching the scene from the window of the house next door. Apparently gaining a little confidence from that simple gesture, she added: “We heard screaming. Lots of screaming.” The blue-and-pink-maned pony in the window nodded vigorously at the unicorn’s words.

-A talking, mint-green, unicorn pony. Of course I’m sane, why wouldn’t I be? All of this is totally, preposterously normal!

--Oh no she’s going to think I’m insane what am I going to tell her I have to come up with something fast!

He saw that literally everyone in the street was looking at him and did what almost anyone would do in that situation: start blabbering whatever he could think of.

“Oh I just had this...uh... terrible nightmare! You know, all spooky in a dark forest full of mist and there was somepony following me and-and... uh... SPIDERS! Spiders everywhere! And then I was falling! So then I woke up but when I got up I hit my knee on the bed...” He lifted his hind leg to show off the scratched skin of his knee, a slight bruise already visible through his coat. “...and that made me trip and fall on my face...” he pointed the spot on his forehead where he had repeatedly acquainted it with the wall. “So I was in a lot of pain so I screamed a lot but I’m all better now and now I’m late for work and I have to go now okay bye!”

And he immediately bolted, running past the stunned unicorn as she was just beginning to let out a long, hesitant “ooookay”. We were out of earshot before she could say another word.

-Oh god they’re everywhere and they’re blue and pink and green and purple for fuck’s sake! What kind of freaky genes make natural purple hair? This world... this world is just pure bullshit.

“Could you please stop saying vulgarities in my head?” he whispered as quietly as he could through gritted teeth, while looking around to make sure no one had heard that. It took me a moment to realise something:

-Uh... you do realise I can hear your thoughts, right? You don’t have to “say” stuff, you know.

He skidded to a halt, yelling “What?” out loud like an idiot and drawing looks from all the other ponies in the street. “A... uh... beautiful day today, isn’t it everypony?” Without waiting for an answer he dashed through the crowd again.

-Sweet catch, bro. Real smooth.

--Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

-Well I thought it was pretty obvious. Didn’t you hear my thoughts?

--No. ...wait, that means... Ah! I don’t have time for this! Focus, Silver, got to focus! Get to work, then worry about stuff. That’s what work is for anyways. But keep cool, don’t panic and stop galloping like a madpony.

-Yeah. Take it easy, dude.

--Please be quiet. You’re not helping.

He slowed a little as his nervousness faltered, slowly reassured by the familiar setting. The multi-colored ponies walked around us, going every which way in their routines. This was normal –for him. I just found it unbelievable. The two emotions fought each other fiercely. While he forced his mind to wander to the inane things he couldn’t think about when we first met, I found myself mesmerized by the movement of “our” legs. His quadruped walk was incredibly complicated; instead of the “alternating left-right” I was used to, this was more like a cycle, with each leg moving one at a time too fast for me to wrap my head around the order. It really didn’t help that I was just a passenger in this, like trying to understand how a master chef or an acrobat can move so fast and precisely just by watching them.

--So... I hope you know how suspicious that makes you.

I had to take a moment to snap out of it. How did he walk like that?


--The “hearing all my thoughts” thing. Isn’t that suspiciously convenient for you?

-I’m not so sure about that. I can’t not hear you. It’s already getting hard to concentrate on anything.

--Hmph! Well it serves you right.

A few ponies waved at him as he passed and he returned the gesture. Thankfully none bothered to engage in conversation as he was still obviously in a hurry. His mind was settling, returning to the idle, almost-brainless banter it usually spewed.

-- ...ocolate is good. Hay did I pay that bill? Wow that pebble is so blue. Meh. Oh that wind is nice. I wonder how big you could grow pumpkins. A pumpkin boat would be so cool. ...Eh, It’d start to smell after a while. But not if you eat it before it spoils. Mmmm... pumpkin pie. Hay it’s that guy I worked on this project with in school that one time. What was his name again? Ah what’s that buzz around my ear!? Is it a bee? I hate bees. Oh it’s gone now, phew. I wonder if I could tie a flyswatter to the end of my tail for better defense against bees. Haha! Then I could go and eat all the honey! Hm I wonder if you could make a pie filled with nothing but honey. Why does honey make bread go all crispy? I bet it’s some bee curse to...

Ugh! It was all so... inane! Does everyone’s mind usually wander like that? Did my mind go off at random when I wasn’t paying attention or was it just him? It certainly couldn’t at the moment, being interrupted constantly by his endless flow of disjointed thoughts. I decided to start another conversation, if only to get him to shut up about bee conspiracies.

-So where are we, by the way?

He looked around, blinking. He had apparently somehow forgotten me, it seemed.

--Oh, uh, well, this is Ponyville.

-Why does everything I learn about this place make it sound more and more stupid?

--What’s wrong with Ponyville?

-I think it sounds stupid.

He huffed lightly, drawing a perplexed look from a mare he was passing by.

--Oh here comes the great and powerful super-judge of names again. I don’t think you’re in any position to talk about stupid names, “Dave” the “human”.

-Hey this is totally different! There is no city called “humanville” where I’m from, because that would sound dumb. This probably isn’t the only town where ponies live, so what makes this one so much more “pony” than the others that it becomes justified as part of the name?


-Yeah, anyway, nevermind. Where is this Ponyville? Is it part of a country or something?

--The kingdom we are in is called Equestria, and Ponyville is just a few hours away from the capital city of Canterlot.

-Oh god, puns. Everything is a pun. Please just kill me now.

He frowned, rolling his eyes. They settled somewhere on the upper left of his vision, apparently staring at me –or rather, where he felt they were the closest to glaring at his own brain. Somehow.

--Maybe I should just stop talking to you if you keep insisting on taking everything so negatively.

-Okay, okay, I’m sorry! I just... don’t know what to think of this right now! It’s just so weird! Ugh, I need time to take this all in. Where are you going, anyway?

--To work! I work at...

A strange pink blur had been approaching from down the street for a few seconds now, emitting an almost stranger, high-pitched buzz whenever it came to a stop next to every pony it passed. It eventually stopped right in front of us, interrupting Silver Spring’s chain of thoughts with the same buzz it had projected in the others’ faces. I quickly realised that the buzz was actually made up of words, only spoken at a dizzying pace. What I first noticed, however, was:

-Holy shit that thing is so pink!

The mare had a pink coat with a darker pink, supremely poofy mane. She was even more disheveled than Silver Spring and looked around excitedly while speaking, making her mane bounce around at random. Her squeaky voice became only slightly more bearable once my host took a step back while also turning his ears away from her.

-So... much... pink... How can anything be so freaking pink?

“Oh my gosh I’ve been looking everywhere and I still just can’t find him or her or it or hhieirmt but it’s so important because my reputation is on the line I mean hello who would I be if I didn’t greet every single new pony in town...”

-Did she just try to combine him, her and it into a single word?

“ ...party and it’s going to be awesome and of course everypony’s invited so you can come too if you want Silver but first I have to find the new visitor so I can know what name to put on the “welcome-to-Ponyville-mysterious-stranger-have-a-nice-visit” cake so do you know where I could find that sneaky-hidey visitor because you see when I woke up this morning I had this doozy of a combo...”

-Is she a robot? Doesn’t she need to breathe at some point?

“ ...Bad breath and my tail twitched in this kind of weird zig-zag way and my left ear flapped all alone without my right one and all of that basically means “There’s somepony new in town but they’ll be very very hard to find” so I said weee I get to play hide-and-seek so I counted to ten and then I started looking and I asked the Cakes and they didn’t know so then I asked...”

-Um, is it just me or is she getting blue? Or... purple, I guess?

--I’m going to try something...

“ ...she didn’t know either but it’s no surprise I mean the girl only has eyes for muffins she can’t hope to be as vigilant as Mmmhmmhhmmhm mhm hmhm mmmhhhmhmh”

The pink monster tried to keep talking through Silver Spring’s hoof for a few seconds. He had shoved it right in her mouth, blocking the verbal avalanche we had endured for the past few moments. Her eyes went wide as her cheeks kept taking on a deeper shade of blue before she grabbed his leg between her front hooves. Pushing the silencing appendage out of her mouth, she took an enormous gasping breath that seemed to inflate her somehow before dropping back on all fours, panting.

“Thanks” she said, “I forget to breathe sometimes when I’m very excited and I was super-duper excited right now because I need everypony to be on the lookout for that stranger because I really really need to find himherit very soon because if I don’t it’ll be too late for the party even though I guess we could move the party to tomorrow instead of today but that’s beside the point the point is I have to find...”

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her lightly, shouting “Miss Pie, please!” It seemed to calm her down somehow, as she blinked a few times and just stared at him.

“Oh, right. Sorry.” She said, still blinking and looking a little confused. “Waaaait a minute... ” Her perplexity seemed to increase as she leaned a bit closer, still staring at Silver Spring. She squinted her eyes, raising a single eyebrow and slowly leaning back away again, before cocking her head to the side and pressing her face closer once more. “Hmmm...” She said, continually leaning back and forth in front of us, squinting and staring straight in Silver Spring’s eyes.

-What is she doing? She’s starting to freak me out.

--I don’t know, I’ve never even seen her like that. What is she even looking at?

He backed away slowly from the hmmming and swaying mare before asking “Uh... is everything okay? You’re making me a little uncomfortable.”

“I don’t... know...” was her reply. She then suddenly perked up, saying “Well it’s probably nothing! Anyway, be sure to watch out for anypony you’ve never seen before and tell them to visit Sugarcube Corner ‘cause we have the best cupcakes in town! Thanks! Bye!” And with that, she was zipping along the street again, repeating her request to everyone she passed.

-What even just happened?

--I’m as lost as you are. I guess that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.

-Wait her name is Pinkie... Pie? That’s just...

His eyes narrowed in irritation.

- ...ugh, nevermind.

He resumed our walk, passing more and more candy-colored ponies and their almost-equally colorful houses. I saw a marketplace passing by, with various stalls set up to sell food and flowers, among other things. The owners of the stalls were either shouting to attract customers or just politely handling the clients they already had. I noticed the ponies were paying with shiny, golden coins they would just throw on the counters.

As he kept trotting along, following some gradually more narrow and cramped streets, I got to wondering just how much help we could actually find for our current problem. Their technology clearly wasn’t as advanced as that of humans, and I assumed their medical sciences were probably just as far behind. If science couldn’t understand what was going on, what kind of conclusion would they reach about his mental health? What did they do with the mentally ill here? If the ponies were as... medieval as they seemed, would they use treatments similar to what we did to the insane in those times? I would have shuddered at that if I still had muscles to agitate. On the other hand, That Pinkie Pie ...thing certainly didn't seem worse for wear, even though she was clearly at least a little unhinged.

My thoughts were interrupted when his own focused on a nearby building, a sense of familiarity filling my mind.

This street felt familiar yet nearly a bit depressing, its buildings crammed together on either side and rising high overhead. Most of the second floors were slightly larger than their bases, spilling above the street and forming a canopy of sorts. Few ponies walked in the dim light, and all of them seemed either in a hurry to go somewhere else or terribly busy. This was a business street, with no room for pleasing aesthetics or relaxation. An annoyed glare was probably the best you could hope when meeting an acquaintance here. Maybe, just maybe a friend would smile at you. That was the feeling I got, anyway.

Silver Spring had stopped in front of one boringly simple building, running a checklist in his head to see if he had forgotten anything in his precipitation. He nodded to himself when he was satisfied and stepped forward, climbing the three short steps leading to the entrance.

A sign over the door read: “Straight Edge Architects”. A smaller sign next to the door listed business hours, and the building itself was a very modest two-story cube of wood with a few windows, those on the upper floor being much larger. This was the only place on the whole street that he seemed eager to see.

--Ah, finally. I hope I’m not in too much trouble.

He put on his best (forced) smile and stepped through the door.