• Published 9th Sep 2012
  • 11,953 Views, 908 Comments

My Voice in a Head - Lord Destrustor


A human finds his mind stuck inside a pony's head. Both are understandably freaked out.

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Chapter five things I never wanted to experience

Chapter 5

I sat, eyeing a plate of dirty, greasy, fibrous clumps of hay piled on an absorbent towel, the oil soaking the paper with its vile, revolting brownness. The scent of the fluid, probably nearly black from days or weeks of frequently burning food to crispiness, assaulted my sense of smell with an acrid stench of heavy, charred grease. It looked incredibly delicious.

-God damn it Silver Spring stop ruining my disgust!

--You stop ruining my appetite with your crazy tastes! Hay fries are the best!

-They shouldn’t even exist! You can’t fry dry things!

--Hmph, well guess what?

The oily dead grass rose, lifted by a brown hoof, and entered our mouth.

-Euagh it’s disgusting!

--No it’s not, it’s delicious!

-I knoooow!

The deliciously disgusting mush rolled around the taste buds, thrilling them with the pasty oily flavor of dead grass dunked in grease. It was really good for a lump of bland, tasteless muck.

-Please stop eating that, I don’t want to enjoy it!

He performed an admirable eyeroll, taking his eyes off the plate to sweep across the scenery. The small restaurant he had chosen for his meal was just short of being packed, with ponies of all ages and sizes partaking in the timeless pleasure of stuffing themselves full of fast food. Well, except for one.

Silver Spring sighed.

--You’re not going to make this easy, aren’t you? You do know you’re ruining it for me too, right?

-It’s not my fault if your tastes are weird and crazy! At least put some ketchup on it or something to hide the taste!

The beautiful bottle stood on the table, within arm’s reach, glistening with fresh condensation like a flask of liquid divine intervention coated in glorious morning dew. It almost shined with holy light. I really hoped it was the same sort of ketchup I knew and not some strange pony version full of grass or dead leaves or whatever else ponies ate.

--Egh, ketchup.

-How can anyone not like ketchup?

--I’m just not a big fan of tomatoes, that’s all!

With a sigh, he reached for the bottle and carefully grabbed it with his hooves, masterfully flipping it upside down to let the red lifesaver flow. Hopefully it wouldn’t make things worse.

-I don’t think I’ll ever understand how any of this is possible with hooves.

--There. Here’s your stupid ketchup.

He looked at the plate of ketchup-covered fries and sighed once again.

-Oh, stop being so melodramatic.

--As I recall, you were the one screaming like a filly about fries just a second ago. Look, I’ll try to get this over with as fast as possible. Just stop whining, please?

-Ugh, whatever.

He began eating the fries much less enthusiastically, finding no enjoyment in it. He didn’t like the ketchup, and I didn’t like the fries, ruining both for both of us. The result was a strange feeling of being just short of having a good time, like being at an awesome party with nothing but people you hate.

Rather than dwell on the fact that merely eating was becoming such a chore in itself, I decided to hopefully distract us both with some conversation.

-So, what are these butt tattoos on everyone?

Was the first subject that came to mind. It had steadily been bothering me for a while, ever since noticing the phenomenon for the first time. I had mostly overlooked it while freaking out about the insane pastel hair colors -which were admittedly much less plausible, in hindsight- but now that I had had time to think about it seemed pretty weird. Well, as weird as anything could get around here. More weird-er, if you will.

--Whu… What?

-Those tattoos on everyone’s butts. Like that one with the bubbles or the other guy with the hourglass, what’s the deal?

--Oh, you mean the cutie marks? You’ve nev-

“Snrk-nkr.” My barely suppressed snort of laughter somehow found a way to overcome Silver’s body, immediately followed by an intense frown and narrowing of the eyes. I think some nearby ponies looked at him as if he was acting weird or something. Gee, I’d wonder why.

--What? What’s so funny?

Damnit.

-Uh, nothing. I think that name is a perfectly acceptable choice for such a fad, and doesn’t sound gay at all.

I’m not quite sure he believed my statement, for some reason.

--Oh, please, I you’re dripping with so much sarcasm I can basically taste it. Or maybe it’s just that dumb ketchup. Yuck. Wait… What do you mean by ‘fad’?

-Well what else would you call an entire town deciding to apply random whimsical pictures to their rumps? I mean come on, it’s not like these things just magically appear… out of… nowhere…

If the cruel gods who had put me in this situation had decided to grant me one wish at that moment, one measly favor to ease my misery, I would have asked for just one of my hands in order to perform the most epic facepalm of my life.

Of course they magically appeared out of nowhere. Why did I expect this world to make any kind of sense?

- …I walked right into that one, didn’t I?

--Uh, maybe. For your information, cutie marks are the representation of our special talents, the thing we are most skilled at doing and that we enjoy the most. They ‘appear out of nowhere’ whenever we find what that talent is. They basically tell you the thing you’re most likely to make a successful, enjoyable career out of. A mark of your true calling, if you will.

-Wait, hold on, just give me a moment to fully comprehend the situation: I’m getting lectured on magical butt destiny tattoos by a talking pony whose body somehow hosts my disembodied consciousness, while eating ketchup-smeared fried hay. This is a thing that is happening. This is my reality at this moment in time. This… oh god just give me a minute, please.

--I kno-

-Ut-tut-tut!

--But-

-Epp! No talking. J-Just eat and don’t think about anything.

He sighed deeply, which was something I also needed to do, and resigned himself to listen to me. Too bad his way of ‘not thinking about anything’ was really more along the lines of ‘staring at the bottle of ketchup and repeating ‘ketchup, ketchup, ketchup’ over and over in his head’. Well at least it was easy enough to tune out after a while.

So yeah. It turns out sharing a brain with a magical talking pony and getting to visit his magical pony world as a helpless voice in his head hitching a ride on his senses was above my acceptable threshold of ‘surreal’. Good to know, I guessed. Too bad this knowledge didn’t help in any way whatsoever.

-So… I finally said after a while, Does that mean you have one too?

--I have what too? Oh, you mean my cutie mark?

His gaze finally left the bottle to suddenly swivel around and downward, settling on his rear-end’s side. Guh! I hated when he did that without warning! It was so disorienting, as if someone had stuck a handle to my head and used it to jerk it around at unexpected times. Feeling all the muscles and bones move around inside the skin was unbelievably freaky too, one of the many things you usually don’t notice when in direct control of your own movements.

Anyway, I brought my attention back to the matter at hand: looking at a grey curl on the brown backdrop of a pony’s flank. Also, trying to ignore the intense feeling that I was looking at my own body. Because I wasn’t, despite what my brain -who wasn’t mine either, actually- was trying to tell me.

-What is that even supposed to be? Also, you can stop looking at your own butt now.

--I’m not looking at my butt! I’m looking at my cutie mark! It’s a silver spring.

-Wait, isn’t that your name? Why does it match your name?

--I don’t know! It just happens this way sometimes.

-Oh, so these other customers aren’t named Bubbles, Hourglass, Flower, Flower and Flower?

--Well of course not! That would be ridiculous!

-Yeah, because this world definitely has an upper limit of that.

Oh, eye roll, how I wished I could initiate you myself. Still, the act was fitting to my own mood. At least Silver Spring had finally taken his eyes off his own behind to concentrate on scooping up the last of the ketchup with the thankfully final fry. He wiped the hoof with a napkin and got to our hooves, plate held tightly in mouth to drop it at the counter.

-So what kind of talent is a ‘silver spring’ supposed to be? You’re amazingly good at going ‘Boing boing’ and objects thrown at your head are likely to bounce away? You excel at supporting mattresses? You can be used as improvised ammunition against werewolves? You’re stretchy?

--None of that makes any sense!

We walked out of the building, once again finding ourself on the sunlit street and in the midst of a sea of colorful equines. We headed back the way we came, apparently going back to work.

-Yeah, well, nonsensical seems to be the word of the day, so I wouldn’t really find any of these inconceivable at this point. Why not just tell me what it means?

--I… don’t actually… I’m not actually sure what it means, really. It’s either about being a good jumper, or an affinity for tinkering.

-Didn’t you just say you got it when you found out your true calling? How can you not know what it means? Weren’t you there when it happened?

--I… that… it’s complicated, okay? I don’t want to talk to you about it!

A bright image found itself superimposed on my vision, some dark shape in a luminous sky, a feeling of falling coming with it. Then, in a flash, it was gone as fast as it had come, replaced with the familiar sight of the cobbled street and a faint feeling of embarrassed frustration lingering on my mind.

-What was that?

--Nothing! Stop looking at my memories! Shut up!

-Why are you so defensive all of a sudden? What did I do?

The anger swelled up a little more, Silver’s steps pounding a little heavier on the ground.

--It’s personal, and it’s none of your business! LA LA LA LA LA, PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS!

-Hey ! What’s your deal?

I could barely hear myself over the sound of his mental wailing, and somehow I figured that even if he could hear me, he wasn’t exactly in the mood to answer anymore. He was obviously avoiding a touchy subject in a ridiculously exaggerated way, though I couldn’t really imagine why. Still, despite having literally misplaced my brain, I could take a hint once in a while. Might as well change the subject.

-So, earlier today you mentioned princesses…

-- PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS PUMPKINS!



-… God damn pumpkins.


-So, are you freaking done now?

--Are you done invading my privacy?

-I can’t really help it when I’m inside your stupid head, now can I?

Standing in the shadow of the Straight Edge architects firm provided relief from the heat of the sun, while conversing with Silver Spring provided relief from having the word ‘pumpkin’ screamed into my head every two seconds. Both of those were a bonus, though the latter definitely incited more gratitude on my part.

-Look, I can’t exactly decide what you think about, so next time you don’t want me to see something, just give me a sign or whatever and I’ll do my best to distract you with some random bullshit, alright?

We shifted on our hooves uncomfortably, the memory of the behavior displayed the last time we were in the building still fresh in his mind.

--I hope I didn’t look too crazy back there. I don’t want her to think I’m crazy or something, that would be awful! I wonder if it’s obvious that something’s wrong today? …Wait, what do you mean bullsh- I mean CRA- I mean POOP! What do you mean bullpoop? Did I step in something? Stop saying bad words in my head already!

-God, you’re such a wimp about profanity! Okay, just think of some kind of codeword or something and the next time your mind goes someplace you don’t want me to see, just think that word very hard and I’ll do my best to derail your train of thought. I’m pretty sure that if there’s one thing I can do up in here, it’s that. Shouldn’t be too hard, actually…

His posture straightened out a bit, and I suddenly felt insulted.

--Excuse me! I’m not a little foal! I’m not so easily distracted by whatever shiny-

-GALACTORRHEA is the SPONTANEOUS FLOW of MILK from the BREAST, UNNASSOCIATED with CHILDREN or NURSING! It is reported to occur in FIVE TO THIRTY percent of WOMEN, and can ALSO occur in MALES, newborn INFANTS and ADO-

“AAugh stop that!” Silver dropped to the ground, clutching his ears as if it could change anything. I had made my point, though.

-You were saying?

--You are so very disgusting! I literally just ate, you jerk! Where did you even get that from?

-I was really, really bored in college one day, you know how it goes…

--Uh, no?!?

“Are you okay?”

The unknown pony’s voice startled Silver Spring, drawing a short gasp from us as we looked up at the sudden sound. Some tan stallion loomed over us, looking slightly worried as he held out a leg in a ‘let me help you up’ position. Silver took the offered hoof and got back to a standing posture.

--You just made me act weird again! Stop making me look like a lunatic!

-It’s not my fault all your buttons are so easy to push, and that all of them are wired to explosives.

“Thank you,” he stammered, “I, uh, thought I heard a bee buzzing around my head and I… panicked a bit. I’m fine though.” The familiar tug of a fake-as-hell smile stretched our lips as Silver began hastily dusting us off. After a few seconds of looking at us suspiciously, the pony eventually shrugged and went on his way.

The three steps leading to the front door were made short work of, Silver pausing once again in front of it to attempt to make himself look presentable before entering.

-So, what’s the codeword?

--The what?

-The codeword I suggested using to make me distract you just before distracting you after you said you were not so easy to distract. The way to make me know you want to change the subject inside your own head.

--Oh, uh, let me think about it, maybe?

The door swung open in much the same way as it had done a few hours ago, in a perfectly unnoticeable fashion. Lemony was still sitting at her desk, still shuffling papers and still as yellow as a truckload of bananas. She did have a pen in her mouth, though, which bobbed around a little when she looked up to greet Silver Spring.

“Hey, you’re back. Feeling better?”

“I guess so. At least I’m not hungry anymore.”

--I better be feeling better. I wouldn’t want to act weird again in front of my boss, now would I?

-Threats will get you nowhere, buddy. Besides, you’re the one who’s constantly freaking out, remember?

With a good old eyeroll, he sat back at his table, jumping right back in his work. Good lord, I had almost forgotten how boring it was. Ten minutes passed. I didn’t want to even think about the next few tedious hours we’d be spending here, filling papers with such huge quantities of trivial, boring crap that we’d end up running out of space in the margins and have to resort to using additional blank pages. Again. Fifteen minutes. And while being stuck in here with no choice but to listen to my host ranting about everything that was wrong with ice cream-themed bridges -besides the fact that they were bridges specifically designed to have an ice cream theme- was highly educative, I had to frankly admit that a crash course in architectural engineering was pretty low on my list of priorities at the time.

Oh, well… not like I had a choice. Not like I’d had a choice about anything since waking up that morning, actually. I’d just have to endure it as best I could, and wait for the end of Silver’s boring work day.

“Huh, I guess I’m done.”

-What?

“Wait, really?”

My brown pony host shrugged in a baffled way, double-checking his work.

--That one is covered, those five pages go with this one, I must have skipped a few points about this one because I clearly remember having more than four pages of bullet-point faults written down for the next bridge, oh there they are. Just… put everything back in order, aaaannnnd…

“Yes, I’m actually done with this. I’m not sure how, but I’m pretty certain I’ve pointed out every single way none of these designs would ever have worked.”

The yellow pegasus looked at us with a single raised eyebrow, seeming to expect some kind of ‘aha, gotcha!’ moment, but Silver Spring was a bit busy stuffing his work into neatly-ordered folders to be delivered to the mayor’s office.

“And you did all that in just about four hours?”

--Whaaaat?

He looked at the clock on the wall, showing that it indeed indicated the time as being very nearly one in the afternoon.

“I… guess I did, huh.” He got up and walked up to Lemony’s desk with the stack of paper and plans in our mouth. “So,” he said while cleanly spitting out the folders, “what else do I need to do now?”

-How did you do that without getting spittle all over the things? Am I the only one who finds that weird?

“Actually,” the mare began, “I think you’d better take the rest of the day off. You’ve been acting a bit strange today and I think an early start to your weekend would be good for you.”

“Wow, really?”

-Nah, she’s obviously testing your loyalty to find a reason to fire you.

“Yeah, unless you want to talk about whatever’s got you so agitated, I don’t really need you here for anything else right now. Besides, I think you deserve it after going through this.” She gestured to the folders on her desk, one of which had a piece of blueprint sticking out with the words ‘Important: chocolate’ written on it. “I’ll handle Signed Scroll whenever he comes back for those.”

-Plus it gives her a good excuse to cut a few hours out of your pay.

“Thanks Lemony, you’re the best!”

--Just shut up and enjoy it.

Silver rushed back to his desk to pack his things, joy filling his mind. Huh, that was a first in here. Being happy, I mean. For once the whole ‘being stuck sharing a mind’ thing was kinda pleasant, his joy at going home early mingling with my relief at the thought of not spending a second more in this office. Both good feelings amplifying each other into some kind of euphoria. Silver started giggling a little as he enthusiastically threw his bags onto his back once more, the sudden impact knocking a little bit of air out of our lungs.

He sauntered over to the exit, some kind of happy little prance that was quite fun to perform, before turning to Lemony to ask one last time if she was really sure he could go. She only answered by waving us off with an exasperated little grunt. I had time to notice her roll her eyes before Silver shut the door and took off on the road after thanking her again and saying goodbye.


--Woo, I get to leave early! I get to leave early!

His little happy, hopping saunter wove through the diminished crowd of the afternoon, heading back the way we had come that morning. I strangely didn’t mind literally prancing around like some giggling horse, as at that moment I was more preoccupied with savoring the intense joy filling my mind. Finally some good feeling today.

-Okay, I gotta admit your boss is pretty cool.

--I know, right? Isn’t she wonderful? She’s smart and kind, and generous, and intelligent, and a genius in her field, and-

-And those flanks of hers, hmm, so hot!

Hooves fumbled around, tripping all over themselves as the feeling of euphoria was instantly replaced by horror and confusion. We fell to the ground as a sudden spasm rocked the body in a walk’s equivalent to the spit-take.

--What?

-WHAAT?!?

--What did you just say?

-Oh god, what did I just say?

--You just said th-

-I KNOW WHAT I JUST SAID! Oh my fucking god why did I just say that?

--Because it’s true?

-No it’s not! She’s a pony! I’m not attracted to fucking ponies! I… YOU!

--What, me?

-Oh my god, oh my fucking god! YOU! You have a crush on your boss?

--What? Noooo…

-YOU CAN’T LIE TO ME YOU IDIOT! I’m inside your fucking head! I feel those butterflies in your stomach when you think about her, how your heart beats faster when you’re near her, how you’d like to… to… AAAAAUUGH!

--Hey those are private thoughts! You better stay away from those!

-There’s literally nothing I’d like more right now, but her wings are so sexy! OH GOD I JUST DID IT AGAIN! Please think of something else please think of something else please think of something else I think I’m going to be sick! AAAAAHHHHH!

--Hey it’s my body, I’m going to be sick! And if I am, it’s going to be because of your stupid ketchup! And stop screaming!

-You take that back! Ketchup is awesome! It was good enough to hide the awful taste of those stupid disgusting fries!

--Oh good we changed the subject.

The horrible maelstrom of horror, shame, anger and attraction-to-Lemony slowly abated in our minds, Silver doing his best to keep the subject changed by once again repeating ‘pumpkins’ in his head over and over. For once, I thoroughly welcomed these awesome fruits. That hadn’t been just happiness we’d felt earlier, it was also in part infatuation. Silver had a crush on his pegasus boss, it had seeped into me, and I hadn’t even noticed. What I’d thought to be mere gratitude had actually been at least partially love. That wasn’t supposed to happen! I should never have felt that! I didn’t even know that damn pony! That crush was something that Silver Spring felt, not me! We were definitely way too close to each other. What else did he make me feel against my will? What did I do to him without either of us noticing? How was I supposed to preserve my individuality if stuff like that could happen?

-I need to get out of your head as soon as possible. This whole thing is starting to freak me out on a very, very deep level.

--I agree. You need to leave. This just can’t go on anymore.

He stood back up, only then noticing the small crowd he had attracted, one member of which had been trying to get his attention for at least a few seconds now.

“I’m fine, I’m fine! I just tripped!” He dismissed the pink-ish purple pony as he weaved through the crowd, trotting away as fast as he could without breaking into a full gallop. In just a few minutes, his home was once more in view. The door was quickly opened, closed and leaned against, a long tired sigh escaping his lips.

-Oh. Safety. That feels good.

--Yes, now if you make me make a fool of myself, at least I won’t be doing it in public.

He dropped his bags at the same spot he’d picked them up that morning, moving next to his fridge to have a drink of milk.

--Now we really need to think of something to get you out of here.

-Isn’t there someone you can ask for help? Some sort of expert on weird things?

--Not that I can think of off the top of my head. I’ll have to think about it some more and… oh.

A strange feeling was now making itself known, gradually rising in intensity. I had felt fleeting moments of it throughout the day, with never quite enough presence to be worth mentioning. This time, though, was pretty much undeniable, and extremely unwanted.

-Oh no. Is that what I think it is?

--I think so. I think I-

-Oh god no.

--I need-

-Oh no no no no no!

--But I need to-

-Don’t say it! If you don’t say it we don’t have to do it!

--But I really-

-No! Please no!

--I don’t think we can avoid it!

-No! Anything but that!

Heat flared up in his cheeks, what I could see of his face in his peripheral vision turning bright red as awkward embarrassment flooded both of our minds. I countered by supplying a healthy dose of pure, unadulterated dread. But even the strongest of wills could not have escaped the inevitable outcome drawing upon us.





--I need to use the toilet!

- OH NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Author's Note:

Woo! I'm finally a little bit less of a lazy bum! Told you it wouldn't take six months this time!
Also, I added some kind of chapter naming theme. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up before the pattern becomes unsustainable, but whatever.



P.S. I love comments. Just sayin'.