• Published 9th Sep 2012
  • 16,920 Views, 902 Comments

My Voice in a Head - Lord Destrustor

A human finds his mind stuck inside a pony's head. Both are understandably freaked out.

  • ...

Chapter four hours 'till lunch

Chapter 4

“Hey. You’re late.”

The yellow mare sitting behind a desk to the left barely looked up from whatever she was doing when she spoke. She was shuffling some unseen papers with her hooves, busily staring at them through a small pair of rectangular glasses perched up on her nose. Or maybe it should be called a muzzle? She didn’t wait for an answer before adding:

“Signed Scroll was here just minutes ago. Apparently the mayor’s office wants the feasibility reports on those new bridge designs somewhere around yesterday.”

“What? But they said I still had at least a week!”

--Those lying… those lying…



“Yeah well apparently they heard that one of the princesses is visiting soon and they want everything to be in order before she gets here so they can devote everything to her welcoming committee.”

Silver Spring scoffed.

“Pfff yeah, right. They just want to try to impress her with their nonsense designs.”

“Now, now, Silver, it’s none of our faults if the mayor’s niece decided she wants to be an architect instead of an ice cream salesmare like her flank says she should.” She visibly rolled her grey eyes. “You’d better get to it anyway.”

-I don’t know what’s going on but that sounds like it meant that they are idiots.

He groaned, hung his head and headed to one of the two drawing tables sitting near the far wall, muttering “At least they have the common sense to let actual professionals review it…”

-Yeah, about that, what do you do?

He set his bags on a nearby table and picked through them to take out some set squares and a ruler, as well as a few pencils.

--I’m an engineer. I handle the math side of Lemony’s designs.


He glanced at the very yellow pony sitting across the room. She had a light-yellow mane with white highlights hanging freely over her lemon-yellow coat.

-Oh, I get it. Lemony. ‘cause she’s yellow. …Like a lemon. …Ugh.

--I think I’ll just stop telling you names if all you do is groan at them like that. Lemony Loft is just the most awesome name for the most awesome architect in Equestria.

He rummaged through a rack of rolled-up blueprints and unfolded one on the table.

--Look at that! All those arches and the strut placement and the way she puts little details that most clients never even notice but that enhance the aesthetic and make it so much more… lively than any other architect out there!

-Wow… uh, yeah, it’s just a house. I don’t see what’s so special about it.

--Well clearly you don’t understand true genius!

“Something wrong?”

“Huh? What?”

Silver Spring looked up, surprised. The “Lemony” mare was looking at us-him- with an eyebrow raised.

-You just went “Hmph” out loud.

--Oh for the love of… you see what you made me do?

“Uh, nothing, it’s fine. Nevermind.” He cleared his throat and faked a sudden and keen interest in the blueprints on the table.

-I really have to insist, once again, that I’m completely powerless here. I didn’t make you do anything.

--I’m pretty sure “staying quiet” is something you can do. Preferably right now and for at least a few hours, please.

He returned the blueprint to the pile, swapping it for another. This one, after being unfurled, showed an almost undecipherable mess of lines and curves that took me a few seconds to recognize as a bridge of some sort.

-Why do the supports look like ice cream cones?

--Oh sweet princesses it’s even worse than I remembered.

He groaned and face-desked while the yellow mare chuckled at his reaction.

“So,” she asked, “when do you think the amazing vanilla cream bridge will be built?”

“This is the worst day ever!” He replied, his face still hugging the table.

-Finally something we can both completely agree on.

He rose back up to rub his temples while groaning, which actually felt good; he was starting to get a headache. I decided to help him take his mind off of the scribbled mess on the table.

-So she’s your boss, huh? She seems friendly enough.

--Yes, she’s pretty wonderful. She inherited the business from her father, Straight Edge, but she’s really more of an artist so she hired me to take care of all that bothersome math for her. It’s working pretty good, I must say.

He glanced at the plan below.

--At least she doesn’t draw abominations like that…

-Yeah, who even drew this and why is anyone taking it seriously?

--The mayor’s niece. And I really really hope she’s just humoring her. I just wish it didn’t mean I’d have to waste my time on it, though.

He let out a deep sigh.

--Oh well, better get started on these… things.

-- …How is this even supposed to hold anything up and what did she even draw there? Looks like a seven, wait… 6N07? What’s that supposed to mean? Oh. OH. Oooooaugh! Why did she write “long” upside-down and what does she even mean by that? Does it refer to that beam or to the nails she clearly drew individually? You don’t draw every single nail in your plans! That’s not what an architect does! How can she even pretend to be an archi-


-- …tect with the way she works? How does she not notice how talentless she is? WHY DOES SHE WANT THE SUPPORT CABLES MADE OUT OF WOOD? Solid carved wood makes very poor cables! The tensile strength is nowhere near adequate to suspend a bridge! Even if you put five redundant pillars to support the span! And why would the flavor of the fake ice cream need to be mentioned in-


-- … the blueprints? IT WILL BE PAINTED ON! It’s just cosmetic! This information has no reason to exist on this piece of paper at this moment in time! Is… is that cross-hatching? Why do you decorate the plans you stupid-

-Hey, listen!

--WHAT?! What do you want and why should I even listen to you? I am extremely cranky right now in case you hadn’t noticed!

-You’re hungry. It’s getting annoying, although it could explain your crankiness…

--I know I’m hungry, and I say it’s all your fault, so just deal with it!

-What? What did I even do!?

He lifted his snout a little higher in the air, and I felt something like entitled smugness rising in his head.

--Well if you hadn’t been there to upset me this morning, I would have had time to prepare properly, which would have included eating something. So this is all because you’re here.

-Uh, not to blow your bubble or anything, but I’m pretty sure our little freaking-out session took only about twenty minutes, at which point you were late by fifteen. Unless you have super-speed, I don’t see how just five minutes would’ve been enough for anything.

A strong urge to face-palm overcame me, certainly from his side of the brain, as the thought struck him:

--I… forgot to set my alarm clock last night.

-I didn’t even see a clock in that room of yours.

This time his hoof couldn’t resist the urge. Huh, facehoofing kinda hurts.

--Because I forgot it in the bathroom!

-What were you even doing with that in there?

--I… uh… Look, never mind. I’ll go eat something just as soon as I’m done documenting all the ways in which, if those bridges were ever built, the rubble from their inevitable collapse would be at risk of collapsing even more. Can you just be quiet until then?

-Tsh, yes, Mom.

“Everything alright?”

Lemony came back into view as Silver Spring looked up at her.

“Oh, yes, just peachy!”

Her left eyebrow made its way up her forehead, with a little smile creeping up her cheeks. Well at least ponies could understand sarcasm; there was hope for this world yet.

“They’re really that bad, huh?” She asked coyly.

“They are full of terrible ideas!” he whined, slumping on the table. “It’s like she vaguely dictated her plans to a newborn foal and didn’t bother to review them before sending them here!”

I couldn’t see her anymore, as Silver Spring was busy fixating his eyes on the wood grain of the table, but Lemony’s tone shifted to something a little more serious when she said:

“Hmm, well, take it easy, Silv. You’ve been acting pretty weird today, and you look really stressed out. Are you sure everything’s okay?”

He sighed. “Yes, everything’s fine-“

-Except for me being stuck here.

“ …I just had a bad morning and uh, stuff, I guess.”

-Wow, good to know I’ve been promoted from ‘get out of my head’ to ‘stuff’. Thanks a lot.

--Stop iiiit…


He sat back up and picked up his pen in his mouth, grumbling.

--I’ll just get this over with…

Boredom. So much boredom. And irritation too. The latter probably came from him, but the former was almost certainly mine. Believe it or not, being a pony in the act of meticulously detailing the basic principles of structural engineering via a pen held in the mouth is not nearly as interesting as one would imagine. The novelty wears out after a surprisingly short number of minutes.


To be fair, the actual mechanics of mouth-writing were much more entertaining than the task they were being used for. The pen danced around on the page, guided by the constant push of the lips and the occasional flick of the tongue. It was at least mildly mesmerizing. I hoped ponies weren’t in the habit of freely sharing office supplies; that would have been gross, seeing as how the mere act of writing was uncomfortably similar to making out with the pen.


Still, unwittingly simulated lust for inanimate objects aside, the agility and deftness of our lips was a pretty amazing feeling. It was almost a nearly-adequate poor sort-of-substitute for hands.


I had decided a few minutes ago to start referring to this body’s limbs as “ours” for the sake of simplicity. I knew that I had no right to claim even partial possession of anything belonging to Silver Spring, but the way his brain kept bombarding me with the kind of sensory information that screams “this is yours!” made it difficult to detach myself from it. So, you know, split the difference and all that.


But boy, was I still bored right now. I kept hounding his peripheral vision to look at the clock whenever his field of view wandered at the right angle to do so. It was about twenty minutes before noon.


“Silver, could you stop that?”

Silver’s eyes shot up, fixating on Lemony with a surprised blink.

“Whu? What? Stop what?”


She rubbed the sides of her head while speaking, obviously annoyed.

“That …thing you’re doing with your leg. It’s really grating, you know.”

Silver looked at both his forehooves in turn, confused, before gazing down at the hind legs; one of which was repeatedly jumping up and down.

Thuk-thuk-thuk-thuk, the drumming impacts of the hoof on the floor, resonated around the room.

--What in Equestria is this?

He forced the offending leg to rest on the floor, pushing it down as if afraid it was possessed or something.

-It’s just like what I do when I’m bored or impatient. Hey, guess we do have a few things in common. I-

--It’s not something we have in common! I have never done this in my entire life. I… I wasn’t doing this just now. That wasn’t me… that wasn’t me!

-Wait, it wasn’t?

He gasped loudly as I found myself incredibly scared. No, wait, he was scared. Looking around the room, his eyes swept over Lemony, who was now watching us with startled interest. As he glanced at the clock, I heard her voice ask something with a worried tone. I couldn’t quite make out the words over the sound of Silver Spring’s jumbled thoughts.

“Oh well just look at the time!” He said, “You know what? I’m super-hungry! I think I’ll go grab some lunch, want anything?”

He searched his bags for a little clinking pouch and took off as soon as he grabbed it, just in time for the yellow pegasus to answer in the negative. Or at least I think she did, it was hard to tell over the din of the coin pouch in our mouth rattling a few inches away.

As soon as he was out of the building, he took off sprinting in an apparently random direction, ducking down the first cramped alleyway he noticed.

--What have you done to me? Was the first coherent thought to come up through the swirling ball of panic in his mind. The second was:

--What are you doing to me you monster?

-I didn’t do anything!

--You were shaking my leg! You said you couldn’t do anything with my body!

-Which I was utterly convinced of until just now. I swear I had no idea that-

--LIAR! You’re trying to take over my body! I won’t let you! Get out of my head!

-Ugh, not this again. Look, are you sure it wasn’t you?

--Get out of my head! Get out of my body! Leave me alone!

He clutched his head tightly, rocking back and forth and hyperventilating. Oh damn, this wasn’t good. He really needed to calm down. Oh no no no no NO! He’d panic again, accuse me of every single one of his stupid problems, and then I’d lose what little amount of trust I had managed to gather, and then I’d be stuck here forever because he’d never listen to me again and he’d never try to find a way to get me out of here. Why? Why did this bullshit happen to me? Why did I have to get sucked into this nightmare? I never wanted any of this! I just wanted to spend my first full day off in weeks doing something fun like going out to the park or watch a movie or something! “Waking up in the brain of some paranoid, ridiculously-spookable pony” was never in my plans!

In the blind haze of his anxiety, watching the black spots in his vision caused by his excessive breathing and listening to the thump of his blood pounding in his ears, and knowing that the only “person” in this stupid, nonsense world who could even try to begin to talk to me would probably never want to do so again, I think I just gave up. I was so scared, so lost, so… damn helpless… All I wanted at that moment...

-I just want to go home. I just, I just want to go back home.

I felt a small bit, a drop of salty moisture, find its way into our open mouth, and land on the tongue.


The back-and-forth rocking stopped, letting a hoof reach up and rub against our cheek, coming back into view covered in water.

--Tears? Why am I crying?

-Because you’re an emotionally unstable idiot who can’t take anything like a fucking man!

--No. I’m not crying, you’re crying. Why are you crying?

-I’m not crying! Your body, your tears, buddy. You’ve been stressing out since this morning, and this was your breaking point! So you cried like a baby when my desperation leaked into your brain!

He puffed out his chest in a defiant attitude, stomping a hoof down for emphasis as he replied:

--I’ll have you know my anxiety attacks never lead to tears. When I get to my breaking point I vomit. So these tears were yours. What’s got you so depressed anyways? Shouldn’t you be happy that your possession is advancing?

-What’s got me depressed is the fact that you just can’t get it into your thick skull that I want nothing to do with you! I don’t want to be a pony, I certainly don’t want your body, and even if I did have my own body, I wouldn’t want to be in your stupid world even one second longer! I just want to go home! Why can’t you see that I want to get out of here just as much as you want to see me go? And you know what? The possibility that I am somehow taking over your body makes me just as terrified as you! I. Don’t. Want. To. Be. In. Here! What is it going to take for you to believe me? I w-

“Okay, okay, stop!”

-Inner voice, twit.

--Stop insulting me!

The fear and panic had slowly turned into irritation as I ranted. He took a few, long breaths, slowly but surely calming down. He kept his eyes closed, listening to the rising activity in the nearby street as ponies apparently left their workspace for their lunchbreaks.

--Fine, I still don’t know what’s going on, how you got here, what you are, how we’re apparently sharing my brain and mixing our emotions, or how any of this is possible, but for the sake of my blood pressure, I am deciding to choose to believe you when you say you are as lost as me. You are not responsible for whatever is happening.

-Wait, really?

--Yes, I guess. It’s just not healthy to panic like that all the time.

-Oh god finally! Thank you! I could just hug you right now! It’s about time you decided to listen to reason! You to-

Our legs, or arms or whatever, suddenly wrapped around our torso, squeezing tightly. Silver Spring was hugging himself?

-What are you doing?

--Didn’t you just say you wanted to hug me?

He held the pose for a moment, patting his own back, before standing back up and dusting himself lightly with his hooves and tail.

-I just don’t know how to respond to that.

--Bah, as you say, ‘whatever’. Anyways, I’m still incredibly hungry, so I will get myself some food! How about that?

He wiped what little moisture lingered on his face and grabbed the coins back from the ground, before stepping out into the increasingly busy street.

-Like I even have a choice. And just for the record, You’re totally the one who was crying.

--No, you were crying.

-Bitch, please, you were the one who cried.

--Pfff, you wish, alien…

Author's Note:

Blughghtutehguhfuhj I suck.