Crimson Burst is Alicorn Prince from the Hayland Empire. After being sent by his parents to Equestria on a peace mission, he soon meets another Alicorn, whom he seems destined to meet. And will Twilight and Crimson fulfill their love in the conditions of two different lands. And what will be the future of the Empire, Equestri and them.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Okay... How can you get approval by this story? I can see one mistakes here.
Please spacing between dialogue or else I have to report this story
After reading : *sign*
good story but too fast.
Try making some spaces between dialogues, it will help immensely. Furthermore, a longer description of the adventures and feelings of the characters will help us understand what is going on.
Keep it up.
good story. For sure I am waiting for more.
But try making it longer. The actions happen too quickly. Spaces between dialogues and some more dialogues of others characters. I notice that the friends of Twilight are becoming jealous of Crimson. Try to show it more. A glance there and smirk here. It will help a story a lot. If you don't know what to write at the moment, don't rush. Sleep with it and new ideas will appear.
But overall good.
Dude, slow down. Your story is going too fast. Try adding some flavor like the reaction of the crowd from the moment they saw them or some hesitation. It would be good for your story. Try explaining some more too. You are mainly focusing on the story and action. And I can tell you it isn't good. Explaining more about their country try to show their surprised faces and reactions. Add more style. Like'Both Twilight and Crimson didn't notice a pair of eyes peering through the crack at doors. And while they kissed eyes disappeared and could be heard the sound of running reptile.' Try making it longer. You don't need to write every day, every hour.
And most important.
SPACES!!!!
You reply to comments by moving your mouse over to the right hand side of the comment you want to reply to and clicking on the >> that appears. Shouldn't Crimson's color scheme have some shade of red in it?
please use more spaces between dialogues.
I'm starting to lose the sense of what is happening.
Hum, I noticed that you forget the 'a' in Equestri'a' at the end and Ponyvill'e' as well for a lot of them;you might want to do some quick edits to it. started reading it and I am looking forward to see what happen next, at least the premise sounds interesting.
Please, I beg you. I can stand it. If you would put MORE SPACES I would be thrilled.
10943551
agreed and some parts are put in more then once.
He says "thats only the first part of the surprise" twice.
and it happened more then once.
-Note: I think its the editor/writers software import.
10943933
And he is not going to listen to us. *Sigh* how can he approve this story when I got this mistake before and got rejected?
I must give him some credits. He put more spaces.
And now if you would be so kind, not that I'm not happy with your uploading, think about the action. A LITTLE slower, more explanations it would make a big difference.
For example a fight between Crimson and Shining. Add "Shining took invitations unwillingly made by Crimson. He thought that he finally could beat him. He didn't know that it will lead to his defeat." Try showing more with your words, don't be shy.
And one more thing.
hOW I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IS HAS UPLOADS. HELLO FIMFICTION! wHERE ARE MY NOTICES!
10975775
The author is not going to listen. See the chapter 1? He keeps writting and writting instead fixing the mistake.
When I finished my first fic, I have to check again to see the grammar problem.
I'm sorry but i will give an downvote for this story.
The story is nice but there is too much mistakes and even with the comments reviews there are no edits or improvements.
Such a waste of potential. Too bad.
Maybe spokojnie? [; Proszę, przedłuż tę historię. To by naprawdę miało znaczenie.
You are using google translator?
Gather strange
???
Więck?
Poćwicz angielski. Lepsza opowieść. Zaufać mi.
Understand now or not? Because it is my last resort.
Listen here you little ****
This story is a good one, but it would be better if you would listen sometimes to us. Only sometimes.
Jeżeli nie rozumiem angielskiego to pytać. This is easy and costs nothing. There are many mistakes easy to correct and some dialogues to expand. So much potential to this story, just try.