When Pom, a young and passive lamb, hears news that Baaah and the rest of Foenum are in danger, she makes a terrible mistake that sets her on a perilous journey. Now the champion of the meadow, Pom is forced to leave her home of Baaah and travel across the world to find the Prophet's Key, meeting different cultures and running into the deadly predators who threaten Foenum.
In late May I began an AI Dungeon playthrough exploring what could be Pom's scenario in Them's Fightin' Herds—an excellent fighting game whose story is only 1/6th complete as of this story's beginning—and enjoyed it enough that I continued it quite a while, using the AI for suggestions and rewriting them in my own prose. It was requested that I upload it to FIMfiction, and after completing a number of chapters I feel it's ready for me to do so. The story has been entirely rewritten and edited for proper third-person formatting.
I am unsure how long the story will last; I had originally intended it to end shortly after where it currently is, lasting about as long as I expect Pom's real canon chapter to, but I now feel a surge of ideas to further explore the character's journey past that end point.
Copyright:
THEM’S FIGHTIN’ HERDS ® & © 2017-2021 Mane6, Inc. All rights reserved.
THEM’S FIGHTIN’ HERDS is a registered trademark of Mane6, Inc.
It looks like for everything after chapter 1, you forgot to convert from present tense to past tense. I'm assuming you want the whole story to be past tense like normal, yes?
I think it's exciting that you took a story prompt written by software, which was based on all bits of lore we have so far, and feel inspired to take it further and make it truly your own. Can't wait to see what's next!
10918993
I intended the entire story to be in present tense,but the opening section (everything leading up to the character quote at the start) was past tense. After the quote is repeated it immediately switches to present tense. Do you think this is too awkward, and that it would be better to make the opening two sentences future tense then change everything after to be present to match the main tense of the story?
10918995
Thank you!
Does this have anything to do with MLP, or does TFH just get a pass on that score?
10920344
Having an MLP tag is mandatory for submission. I already asked the staff if TFH was still allowed, and between their confirmation and the other solo TFH fics having the tag it seems like having one of those tags is the only way to upload a TFH fic.
This story does not cross over with MLP.
10919161
It is my opinion that most stories ought to be told in past tense if in third person. Present tense goes with second person, and mixing the two styles just feels weird.
This is actually so good! Pom and Tian's dynamic was great, and there's so many unique potential locations for this story to explore. I would love to see more of this!
I think you did a great job with Shanty's dialogue. I'm no expert, but it seemed genuine to me. I'd be curious if anyone came along with corrections. Too bad Omari Smith/Nappyrat (it's him with the family connections to that culture, right?) probably will never read this.
Maybe she'll discover her "float" ability here.
Ah, referencing that portion of some of Tianhuo's alternate palettes, I see.
I see that Shanty's vertical wall-walking is even more literal and cartoony than the actual way that real goats go up cliffs (which aren't perfectly vertical like a wall; they have a slant and lots of tiny footholds for goat hooves). Magic!
Enjoyable.
Heh. Because she's a sheep.
Heh,
<Arnie voice> "Come With Me If You Want To Live." </Arnie voice>
Fun fic. Though some descriptions of how characters look are so long they make me almost forget what is going on, and I become impatient.
10974838
Thank you for the feedback, and I'm glad you found it enjoyable thus far!
I wasn't sure about how long character descriptions should be, so it's good to know I can cut it back in the future. I currently have writer's block and part of that is how I should introduce a character, but if it's good for me to stay light on that and give details as they become relevant instead that might help me out and make it flow better.
Could you give examples, besides Tianhuo whose weighty introduction was intentional (since it highlighted Pom's perspective and focused on the parts Pom focused on) that went on too long? I may edit those chapters for brevity later.
10975314
Exact locations and shape of markings/patterns on his body, and the curves, are a thing which I immediately forgot after reading. Usually the main color and one or two main features are enough to make a character memorable.
It's easier to keep track of who is who (and what their role is) if eg. I can remember after the read "oh, the crimson longma with a blade-like snout was the guy who believed Pom's unbelieavable story, even when the other guys did not."
And later on, when I started reading about the "crimson longma" again, interacting with other one, I forgot if the crimson one was the guy who was nice-ish to Pom, or if he was the guy who kept accusing her. I forgot what was his role, what he did.
(Though I know that some readers have better memory than I do, and have no problem with long descriptions.)
However the serpent-longma-with-short-legs made things easier, because those are very memorable looks.
Too bad that the Chinese names are hard to memorize for us, non-Chinese people, but oh well, that's how the names of Longma are. Hopefully once I read the names (and mentions of the characters' looks) frequently enough, I'll learn to remember the name-PhysicalAppearance+role associations.
Great chapter! There were some funny moments in this chapter, and also some good tension.
Holy based
Despite being scared out of her life. Pom will try her best, and with Ma and Pa and her little pups, she will be able to push through.
Pa and Ma like her because Pom knows their secret but didn't tell the rest of the herd, or ran away screaming (which she almost did)
Looks like that one Unicorn got affected the most by Olly leaving.
Also, Pom learned about Air-Counter. though she still needs more practice before fighting against packs of Predators like Arizona does it.
I was hoping for a bit more interaction between Arizona and Velvet, but it's really keeping the main content as it's. Which is fine, since this is more of Pom's story than them.
Also love how seamlessly Pom's attacks are used here. She would've never thought to use Woof in those kind of attacks unless it was by accident and it works.
For a moment, I thought Pom was about to use her level 3 Super on her. Tianhou is lucky Pom decided to be merciful that day.
Seeing her little pups get hurt brought the true lion out of Pom.
That was a great chapter! I don't have anything particular to say, but I enjoyed it.
Yes. Pom is taking charge of her live and doing something because she chooses to.
Well, at least Shanty gave back the letter. And got a compass for all her troubles.
Still, those guys in the market were a bunch of jerks and was glad that Pom finally raised her voice against them.
Pom is so out of her element here, but she's still powering through, and more importantly, did she make friends with Shanty.
Tense, that's what this chapter is about and what pom faced. Even I was tense as I was reading.
I'm surprised that Pom didn't go all out against this Yan dude, but I guess her pups are the main source of her power.
...What is Shanty stealing at this point, and how will Shanty get to leave the island?
Home is where your friends are at, and right now those are her pups.
I like the dialogs here. The way Huoreshi is interested in the Sheeple.
The use of the present tense is offputting, but compromisable for the idea of another chapter for TFH.
Just read the whole thing and i must say, it's absolutely amazing. I just love how you write the story and the characters, the humor Is good and the tension Is ON POINT. There Is only one word to describe this story : AMAZING.
Just starting this late, I love O'Donaghewe's characters and reassurance.
It feels pretty compressed to have Pom discover the truth about the dog's diet on the same day, but I think it works with the news that the predators are returning.
I was very curious on how you'd portray the dogs, since the enemy predators in the story are intelligent and capable of speech. So far it seems like the dogs cannot speak, but that they might be as intelligent as the sheeple: simply loyal and content with the synergistic relationship.
Big Papa coming to reassure Pom in his own way was nice.
It may take me awhile to get through it all, but loving it so far.
Big Papa keeping Pom going is fun: presumably the dogs understand the threat of the predators better than anyone in the Meadowlands.
He also seems to believe in her, despite her obvious shortcomings.
Pom treating the sheepdog is good foreshadowing of the threat of the predators, and a nice way to show her compassion and competence.
It seems like the sheepdog and the wolf were both injured in a fight, so the wolf decided to lick its wounds rather than give chase after probably starting the fight.
I think you portray Pom discovering her panicked fighting style well, and the teamwork with her dogs.
Forsythia seems to show the arrogant lack of concern that Oleander rebelled against well, but I like how others are more humble and reasonable.
Oleander claimed to be the most powerful sorceress, if memory serves, and while she may not have tested that against all magic users she almost certainly had to contend with the Order of the Horn: so that seems like a high upper limit of sorts on their magic.
It'd make sense for them to have magical protections, though.
The deer being surprisingly generous with her before questioning is fun, and it shows Reine as a wealthy center of trade.
I like the Equestria style writing with the mouth, though I think Cashmere is shown writing using ice magic. That may take a lot of precision and excessive energy though.
The guard's misinterpretation was fun, alongside the two that lost Woof. Unfortunate for the dating couple.
Seems like the guards are too incompetant to notice a bear that somehow appeared in their walls: seemingly feeding off garbage given that they haven't been noticed.
Always fun to see how you incorporate Pom's attacks, and the brief encounter with Arizona was fun alongside Velvet being a drama queen after losing.
Papa and Stronghoof having met is fun, and him understanding Papa on some level makes sense with him talking to Paprika.
It seems like the archaeologists unknowingly alerted the predators, who may have known some other path to the surface after hiding underground from the sun.
Makes sense that they'd shelter in any underground caverns.
I loved how you handled Tianhuo, both trying to be helpful and losing her patience to a temper.
The fight between them was fun with both sides surprising each other.
I love how you handled Pom and Tianhuo's conversation, as Pom was forced to get used to her fear if not get over it.
Tianhuo's outrage at being called a predator makes sense, seeing the events through her eyes.
The story of the Longma feels a bit out of sync with the Book of Lore, but I like how it shows how a dragon and a horse came to be together.
The gate to the Hold being torn underground is odd, but fitting in a creepy way.
Overall I love Pom and Tianhuo's dynamic, and how Pom is sharp enough to realize the urgency of the mission and brave enough to volunteer to deliver the message.
The guide animals bit was genius, including it being sort of true.
I love how you write total side characters also, like the nervous fawn.
Poor girl though, getting in trouble for something she didn't cause.
Big Papa taking charge when Pom isn't doing enough, but still responding to bad dog like that is fun.
Pom confronting the dog's dietary needs first hand like, despite already knowing about it, is written well as a disturbing issue for her.
She firmly believes they are good, but isn't comfortable thinking about it while she can't not after seeing that.
Alongside the clear empathy from her dogs knowing how it makes her feel and wanting to spare her that.
Cashmere being devious in a softer was after the hecklers is fitting, sadly.
It makes sense that Shanty would tail an unusual passenger from a fancy cruise ship as potentially easy money.
Shanty being recklessly impulsive seems to suit her: with her level 3 and general personality I'd guess she gets herself into and out of a lot of trouble.
In a strange way she seems friendlier than the other goats: seems to show there's some good in her.
Another great chapter: shows how out of their element Pom and her dogs are there.
The worries getting to Huoshan were written well, and I love the almost-battle when Big Papa got too protective.
Shanty's bizarrely friendly and reckless antics are fun and fitting.
I like how the Longma are organized, but dysfunctional in their military structure; and the conflict between a soldier's elitism vs someone interested in history and news of the outside world - especially when they're looking for clues on the predators and the key.
The escalation from cultural differences had some great tension, especially after things calming down with Huoreshi being the friendlier longma.
Unintentionally offensive statements on both sides were written well, and Pom's instincts overloading in the end.
Liked the detail of Papa alone being stubborn enough to resist the caging.
I also loved Pom's interaction with the child, and the cultural oddities on display.
I imagine Longma are relatively light to be good fliers, but I could see Pom being a featherweight even amongst them.
Longma dying their scales makes for a very interesting take on the palettes.
And it seems a bit ambiguous if the sheeple naturally have pastel colors, or if they are dying and Pom was too young to have seen it.
The bit on why Longma teeth wouldn't be as scary was fitting.
It seems clear that there are issues with the empress' ideas of raising children, and a lot of setup for their meeting.
The clash of cultures with the longma not trusting the sheepdogs is handled well, and I love how the ending shows the symbiotic relationship between sheep and dogs.
How did you get the winter sprite runes in text?
This stuff: ᛋᛟᚱᛟᚢᛋ