The Chase
“Mmmm, this is some good coffee,” Lyra said as she blinked her sleepy eyes, sipping from the mug in her grasp. “Just what I needed to wake up. Nice and black, too.”
“Come on, come on, come on!” Twilight said, willing her to speed up. “There’s a monster on the loose and you’re sitting here drinking coffee? We should be out searching for the thing!”
“You were the one who woke me at flank o’clock in the morning, so you’re gonna have to deal with me being tired. And if you keep that attitude up, I’ll drink slower.”
“Ugh, well at least tell me more about humans in the mean time! How powerful are they truly? How can you tell if one’s angry? Are there different subtypes? Do you think Archard–”
“Twilight. No questions. Coffee.” Lyra took another sip and gave a satisfied ‘ah’ as she drank. “Now about the human. We could send him back–”
“We have to send him back,” Twilight interrupted. “I spent all day yesterday with whoopie cushion hooves because of him! Do you know how long I had to scrub to finally get Zecora’s potion to work? Not to mention, Pinkie Pie has a manticore for a pet, and that’s gonna be a whole thing now! He’s already screwing things up, and who knows what more he’s gonna screw up the longer he stays here? He said he knew the future!”
“I understand that, Twilight. If you’d let me finish, I was going to say we could send him back, or, before that, we could interview him and see exactly how much he knows about what’s going to happen. Humans can predict the future, you're right. It'd be good to see what he knows.”
“I was going to do that, but my experiment got interrupted by him running off before!”
“Well, I mean, he did say not to take his blood, and I did warn you he was gonna run off. But what I’m suggesting is a nice, sit down conversation with him over tea and sandwiches. Something casual, not like when you chained him up by the wrists and ankles like you were trying to torture him.”
“I wasn’t going to torture him! Why are you taking his side on that? This is him trying to divide us, isn’t it? When I find him, I’m gonna–”
“Humans are dangerous, but he really doesn’t seem like he’s going to be an issue. Like I said, he’s kind of dopey, so it’s not like he’s gonna know how to use any powers he has probably. Plus, he seems generally nice, so he won’t, like, torture ponies or something.”
“If he’s a dopey dangerous creature, then–”
“Twilight. Who between us is the expert on humans?” She raised an eyebrow, waiting for Twilight to answer.
“I just think that–”
“Twilight. Answer me. Who is the expert?” She took a long sip of coffee and made another satisfied ‘ah’ as she waited for the answer. Twilight stared back with a frustrated look. It was a long moment before she replied.
“You are, but–”
“Okay then, since I’m the expert, you’re just gonna have to take my word that I know what I’m talking about when it comes to humans. Besides, you were the one who was all, ‘none of your research is based in science’ and tried to tell me my portal wouldn’t work.”
“It wasn’t based on science! How that mess of a portal was able to bring that human here has to be some sort of mystical power! There’s no way something like that should’ve worked!”
“Well, it did, because I’m an expert on humans, so you just have to trust me on these things. Besides, didn’t Princess Celestia tell us that we should be treating him like a guest to Equestria? An interview would be part of being a guest, wouldn’t it?”
“No!... well, yes it would, but still! We should be getting rid of it as quickly as possible!”
“And we will! But the whole point of bringing a human here was to study it, and that’s what I wanna do. And I don’t mean chaining it up like some kind of slave. I mean actually studying it.”
“Lyra…”
“Come on, Twilight. All we have to do is send him back. If he’s at Fluttershy’s place, it should be easy to just research this stuff while we interview him, and then send him back when we need to. I mean, it’s not like he's running around the entire city or something and dragging everypony around.
“Give us your pets!” all the ponies behind Archard and Fluttershy demanded, frantically trying to catch up with the two of them. “We want our happiness! Don’t leave us!”
“And I want to not be harassed by a million ponies! So how about that?” he called behind him, not daring to slow down. He was getting tired though, and desperately wanted to stop and rest.
He stopped and leaned on a pole for a second to breathe, having a little bit of a lead on the crowd behind him. Fluttershy looked equally tired, although both knew they had to keep going in a second.
“Man, this is worse than that time I… eh, never mind. My brain is too tired to come up with a quick anecdote. We need to get out of here. Do you think you can talk to them again?”
“I don’t think so,” the yellow pegasus said tiredly. “They don’t seem like they’re going to be the talking type anymore. Look.”
She pointed a hoof at the crowd behind them, which had slowed down to a cat-like stalk. They were crouched low as they tried to corner the human and pegasus, looks of determination on all of their faces. The two of them tried to step back, only to turn and see the same scene behind them. It appeared that they were cornered.
“Wow, who would’ve guessed it would come to all of this for just a few pets?” the human asked. “I knew I was amazing, but I didn’t think I was that amazing.”
“Everypony, please!” the yellow pegasus tried to start. “If you all would just–”
“No!” somepony yelled, pointing an accusing hoof at her. “We all know you’re just in it to hog all the petting for yourself! We don’t want to hear any more or what you have to say! Just hand over the monster and all of this can end!”
“I’m not a monster! What the heck! Why does everyone say that?”
“I can’t do that, not if you all are gonna crowd him and hound him like before,” Fluttershy said defiantly. “I won’t be letting him out of my sight until you all prove you can be nice.”
“Have it your way then!” somepony else said. “Let it be known that we gave you the chance!” The two groups stalked even closer now, closing the space between them and making the two press closer together as they watched the seemingly hopeless scene.
“You know, if it comes down to it, Archard, we can just fly away,” Fluttershy said quietly.
“I know that,” he replied just as quietly, “but I want to see how far this goes. Plus, teach them a lesson if I can. Since I’m forced to be here against my will, I might as well have a little fun with them, right?”
The anger in his voice about his circumstances was still there, but Fluttershy didn’t comment on it. Instead she looked out at the scene before them, at a crowd that had to be a few hundred ponies. They looked so bloodthirsty– or, at least, they would’ve looked that way had it not been for the knowledge that they wanted something so simple and cute as being petted. Even now, there might have been a tinge of adorableness about the whole situation.
“You’ll learn not to mess with us again or deny us our wishes!” somepony else said as they moved to be slightly in front of everypony else. “We have a secret weapon to release on you! Bring it out, guys!”
The crowd parted to reveal the very last thing the human expected to see. It was a monsterish beast with bright white feathers and a pointed snout for a beak. Sharp claws it had at the end of its skinny legs, and long, wide wings that stretched out in anger at the sight of its nemesis. It gave a loud war cry as it took a few defiant steps up to him.
“Um, guys?” Archard said to the crowd. “I’m not actually afraid of chickens. I just made that up because I thought it would be funny.” Fluttershy gave him a quick look that told him to play along, and he quickly backtracked, saying, “I mean, ah! How could you do this to me! My one, uh, weakness! What ever will I do? Oh noes!” The words almost got a little giggle from Fluttershy.
It came off as extremely sarcastic, but wasn’t something the crowd could pick up. “That’s right!” one of them said, a satisfied smile on their face. “Now give us pets, or you’ll get it! That chicken means business, I swear!”
“Well, I guess you’re gonna have to pry my pets from my cold, dead hands because I’m not anyone’s slave. Or any pony’s slave either, for that matter. I turned Twilight’s hooves into whoopie cushions through inadvertent shenanigans, I’ll do the same to all of you!”
“Bring it on! Our chicken will fight for us! Fear it’s awesome power!” That almost got Archard to laugh this time, but he contained himself for now. He’d let this scenario play out.
“Oh, I’ve no idea what I can do in the face of the mighty power of this chicken!” He pretended to fall backward and made a show of desperately trying to squirm away. He almost wondered if the chicken was putting on a show, too.
“No, please don’t do this!” Archard pleaded as the bird strode closer. “I’ve no idea what you’ll do if you peck me! I won’t give in, but let’s not resort to violence!”
“Bawk! B-b-bawk! Bakawh!”
“And threats against my family, too! How could you do this?” He stretched out his hands as he said, “I don’t know what I’ll do if you peck my hands and I can’t pet anypony else for the rest of the week! Please don’t do this! I would never– ow. Ow! My hands idiot, peck my hands! I mean, no! Never! Haha.”
The bird pecked around his legs for a bit before finally following his instructions and giving one or two quick pecks to each hand. It looked up at Archard to receive a wink, before he let out a quick wail of pretend pain.
“Oh no! I’ve been defeated! And my hands are injured, so I guess that means I can’t pet you all anymore. What misfortune.”
“Wait, what? Your hands are injured from just two pecks?” somepony asked in disbelief. “How does that work? I think you’re just trying to get out of petting us!”
“I would never!” he smiled, having a very hard time containing his laughter against such a naïve crowd. “I, uh, only ran away to get some, uh, food from Sugarcube Corner again! But that chicken… whoo! It took it all out of me, I gotta say. My hands are completely useless now thanks to him.”
“Bawk!”
“Yeah, see? He agrees! Guess you all have to, I don’t know, go home or something?”
“If its hands are injured, then this is our chance!” somepony called out! “Capture him and lock him up so he can pet us when they’re better!”
“Uh, Fluttershy?” Archard asked as the crowd suddenly charged at them. “I think it’s time for us to do the thing and skedaddle on out of here.”
“Yeah, I’d say so,” she agreed, grabbing him and the chicken in her hooves before flying up into the clouds.
“Hey! You can’t do that! That’s not fair!”
“Life’s not fair!” he called back. “Get used to it!”
The three of them were lifted up into the clouds, Archard getting wet with every fluffy white vapor pile they passed through. A few pegasi tried to follow them, but eventually gave up, leaving the three to stop peacefully alone at the bleachers to the Wonderbolts stadium. Fluttershy was huffing and puffing by the time she gently set the human and chicken in the bleachers, watching for a second to make sure they didn’t fall down through the clouds because of their weight.
“You… are… heavier than my other animals…” she said as she sat down next to them. “But it was… no trouble…”
“Thank you for taking us up here, Flutters,” Archard said gratefully. Then he turned to the chicken and said, “And thank you, Steven Bawking, for going along with my plan. Truce?”
He extended a hand to shake, and the bird, as though considering it, looked away for a moment before gently touching his beak to the human’s hand. Archard took the opportunity to pet the bird’s head, running his hand down its neck. Steven bawked softly in contentment at the move, and Archard smiled widely.
“Wow, even chickens like pets. Who would’ve guessed?”
“Maybe you have magic hands,” Fluttershy giggled. “I wouldn’t be surprised with how nice they feel.”
“Maybe I do,” Archard shrugged, using his other hand to copy the move on Fluttershy for a minute. “So magical that it’ll be a struggle to get back down there and ever do anything ever again because they’ll all be after me.”
“We can try and come up with a plan to make sure you don’t get cornered like that again if you want. Or we can ask my friends for help. I know she doesn’t like you, but Twilight certainly doesn’t want other ponies chasing after you.”
“Yeah, that would be good. But first let me pet you, because you’re such a good pony, and deserve lots and lots of pets, cutie. And you, too, Steven.”
“Bawk.”
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Random fun continues
Isn't it 'pettings' ?
Zelda teach me to fear Chicken
Fear the 'Bawk' of Doom!
Funny
Steven is a Chad for helping human
have fun dealing with Murphy's law
Fluttershy says she is a weak flyer, then proceeds to escape an angry mod carrying a human several times her weight.
We're onto you, Flutters
11283572
She does it for the pets
11283572
Weak doesn't mean incompetent.
Also, Twilight is being illogical to the point of stupidity. She keeps freaking out and is unable to see he isn't a threat.
11284066
Twilight's intelligence is being drained by the human, oh noes! Also, Lyra is really sassy before her coffee.
i love it.
11284331
She needs a good slap.
This story is batshit crazy!
I can't stop reading it!
11284066
11283476
You gotta admit, she wasn't exactly clear on how weak she was.
11299328 I'm not sus, YOU'RE sus! I saw you in the reactor room when I was running past!