Be Careful What You Wish For
“Mmmm what are those things called, mister?” Sweetie Belle asked as her neck was scratched before Apple Bloom pushed her away to take some scratching for herself.
“Metacarpals and phalanges, young unicorn,” Archard responded as he used both hands to pet the two fillies at the same time. “More popularly known as hands where I come from. Good for many things, from picking up sticks on the jungle floor fifty thousand years ago to playing video games like Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door with ease, among other things, including petting cute cats and dogs. Or ponies in this case.”
“Video games? That’s what Sweetie’s colt friend, Button Mash, does all the time.”
“Hey! He’s not my boyfriend!”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes and crossing her hooves as she tried not to blush. “It didn’t feel that good. I don’t know why you guys like it so much.”
“Okay, little miss “I'm-embarrassed-because-I-was-purring”. I guess that means more for Sweetie Belle and Applebloom. Although I’m pretty sure Rainbow Dash would purr too. These hands were made for petting, and pet is just what they’ll do.”
“Whatever… how do you know what our names are anyway?” she asked accusingly. “What’s a weird creature like you doing in Ponyville? Twilight would have a freakout if she saw you.”
“I bet she would, since she’s probably looking for me,” he admitted, not letting up on the other two crusaders, petting under their chins and scratching behind their ears. "But it’s her fault for trying to do some Hostel shit- stuff! Little fillies like you don’t say that word- on me. She wanted to take my blood and tie me up and dissect me.”
“Um, what does dissect somepony mean?”
“It’s when they cut you open and take out all your organs and put them in jars and stuff.”
“Yeah, right. It doesn’t mean that. You’re just trying to scare us,” Scootaloo protested. “Besides, she would never do something like that to somepony, even if they looked as strange and as gross as you.”
“You know, words do hurt…” Archard replied simply. “Although I guess she probably wouldn’t. I might have overreacted a tiny little bit. But still, she started it, and I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“What are y’all doin’ in Ponyville anyhow?” Apple Bloom asked again as she and Sweetie Belle finally moved away from him, curious about his origins. “Where does some creature as weird as you come from?”
“From a land far away, one with overpriced houses, semi-decent restaurants, and horrible, awful managers named Reggie who tell me I do, in fact, have to go into work on time. Bleh.”
“Hmmmm, that sounds like that one place my sister, Rarity, is always talking about, Canterlot. Is that where you’re from? Ponies there do look pretty weird...”
“Nope, but now that you mention it, I definitely want to visit there. Hmmm… I wonder if Blueblood acts more like he did during the Grand Galloping Gala or like in the stories I read about him… But anyway, I’m here to see the sights and meet the ponies and try the food.”
“Oh! You can meet lots of ponies at Sugarcube Corner. Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and I were just about to go over there for ice cream! Wanna come?”
“No way! That thing can’t come with us! It said Twilight is looking for it, and Rainbow Dash is probably with her! I’m not gonna help some creature that’s trying to run away from her.”
“I mean, I don’t know who’s all with her, but I don’t think I want to go there right now anyway,” Archard added. “They probably have ice cream there, and I don’t think I’m ready to deal with that after what happened in Chaosville… god, that mint ice cream…”
“Aww, they have more than that, mister strange creature. Chocolate, rocky road, vanilla, cookie dough…”
“They even have apple flavored ice cream!” Apple Bloom said proudly. “Made with Apple family apples!”
“Hmmmm… well, as long as there’s no mint ice cream involved…” he trailed off, giving in. “Although I don’t really have any money, and I assume ponies don’t take MasterCard or American Express here.”
“It’s alright, the first time you visit, it’s free. The Cakes are nice ponies, trust me!”
“Plus, we can go crusading afterward, and you can come with us!”
The human made a face at that idea, asking, “Don’t you guys always somehow end up covered in tree sap at the end of it? Like, every single time?”
“No!” Sweetie Belle squeaked defensively. “Not every time! Well… sometimes, but always!”
“Besides, we can’t just let some random ugly monster join our club!” Scootaloo argued. “I mean, look at him! How is something like that supposed to get a cutie mark?”
“Once again, words do indeed hurt.”
“Well, who’s ta say only ponies can get cutie marks?” Apple Bloom asked. “Plus, maybe he can help us! Give some ideas or somethin’. Right, mister?”
“Ah, well, I know what cutie marks you guys are supposed to get,” Archard started, “but your real special calling is probably being tree sap collectors. I mean, after all, who would want a boring old cutie mark about helping other ponies? A tree sap cutie mark is probably much cooler.”
“That’s whatcha think our special talents are?” the yellow filly asked. “Helpin’ ponies?”
“Absolutely. Without a doubt. I know it.”
“Oh. Huh.”
“Are you sure this is the book?” the two ponies who’d seen Arcahrd, Sparky Showers and Mercure, discussed with each other. “This thing on the cover doesn’t look like it at all.”
“It says it was published by Lyra Heartstrings,” Mercure explained. “And, I mean, it looks a little bit like it. This has to be it.”
“This thing looks so… ugh.” Sparky replied. “I mean, I’m not a publisher, and far from it at that, but I can’t imagine somepony willingly buying this. It’s so… disorganized!”
“I hear you, Sparky, but that thing has to be what Lyra’s been ranting on about, and she did write this book, so-”
“Hey ladies! Do ya need some help?” a yellow blur suddenly asked.
“Finding something in the store? Learning how to read?”
“Need help picking out a new scooter or a bike to ride?”
“We can help ya with whatever ya need!”
“Uhhhh… shouldn’t you fillies be trying to get your cutie marks?” Mercure asked, she and Sparky knowing all about what those three got up to on a seemingly daily basis, knowing their reputation for somehow covering themselves in tree sap doing even the most mundane of tasks and wanting nothing to do with it. “You are the cutie mark crusaders after all, so…”
“We know! We’re gonna get our cutie marks in helping other ponies like that strange creature said!”
“I mean, I don’t believe that thing,” Scootaloo asserted, “but I have to admit, it’s a good idea, and we haven’t tried it.”
"This will be the time when we get them! I just know it!" Sweetie Belle proclaimed squeakily.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PONY HELPERS! YAY!” the three fillies cheered loudly. With the exclamation, the three hurried through the store looking for other ponies to offer their services to, Mercure giving the girls a nervous smile as they ran off.
“I’m really not looking to get drenched in tree sap a second time, Sparky,” Mercure explained. “The first time was enough. I don’t even understand how that happens simply washing dishes in my restaurant… Sparky?”
“Oh, sorry, I was just skimming through this,” the mare responded. “It’s almost unbearable to try to read through… but apparently humans can grant wishes? And it says here they have long limbs and pointed faces… but it also says they’re very dangerous.”
“That… thing, it didn’t seem dangerous. Just… creepy and weird… But, ah, I would like my wish granted…”
“I mean, it might not hurt to go take another look at that thing. Like you said, it didn’t seem dangerous… I mean, if it was, Twilight- err, Princess Twilight and her friends would be going after it, right?” At that comment, the two of them turned to look at it, Archard standing a dozen yards or so away from them, casually walking around the store as if debating whether or not to pick something out to buy. He looked up at them to give the two a wide, toothy smile and a quick wave before bending back over to pick up and scan a particularly interesting looking quill.
“It looks kind of dopey, honestly,” Sparky continued. “Not like a monster at all… maybe we were hasty running from it. I’m gonna talk to it.” With that, she and Mercure gingerly made their way up to the creature, who looked back up at them once they drew near.
“You know, I knew you were lying when you said you were going to see Mayor Mare speak at her engagement about her fight against parasprite awareness. I just went along with that because I thought it was funny to see you stutter. But that begs the question as to what you guys are doing here now when you were scared of me before. Is it my cool Star Swirl the Bearded costume?”
“Uhh, no. We, um… well, I don’t know if this is a rude thing to ask,” Sparky started, “but we wanted to know if you grant wishes…?”
“Only in the hearts and minds of the patients who eat in the hospital cafeteria I work at,” he answered, “although I like to believe my mere presence is a wish come true for some people. Certainly not “overbearing” like Reggie seems to think. I’m just courteous is all.”
“...what?” was all the two mares were able to say, not sure what he was talking about at all.
“The answer is probably not, but maybe, depending on how you look at it.”
“Oh. Huh. Well, can I wish for something?”
Arcahrd shrugged, noncommittal, responding, “I don’t see why not. Go ahead. I guess I’ll try as best I can to grant it.”
“Ahh, well…” she blushed a little bit before saying, “I… wish that more stallions would notice me. I mean, if that’s possible…”
“Oh, well that’s easy!” Archard replied before clearing his throat. Then, at the top of his lungs, yelled, “Attention everybody! Can I have your attention please?” He waited a few seconds for everypony to look his way, Sparky already feeling like she was dying of embarrassment before he continued, “This mare has a large flank!” With that comment, her ears flattened in anger and embarrassment, and she sent a scowl his way.
“That isn’t what I wanted and you know it,” she complained as Mercure hugged her, laughing to herself.
“I mean, you asked, and I delivered, sooooooo…”
“He’s right, Sparky,” Mercure said, still chuckling a bit. “You honestly brought that on yourself.” She then turned her attention back to him, asking, “But can you really grant wishes? I am curious to see whether what that crazy mint pony says is true.”
“Well, like I said, it depends, but I guess you can wish for something, too? If you want to.”
“Hmmmmm, I wish… to have an excuse to call in from work. Except I want it to be an actual excuse and not you just trying to embarrass me or something by yelling. I want a legitimate excuse.”
“Wooooooow, you think I was just gonna take the opportunity to embarrass you?” he said defensively. “That’s pretty rude of you to assume, even if I was. But anyway, I don’t know how- oh! Hi Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo!”
“Heya, Arching! We’re helpin’ mister Tall Oak try and sell some of these here jars of syrup. Made from real tree sap! Do ya wanna- whoops!”
Suddenly, the filly tripping and crashing into Mercure and Sparky, spilling sticky syrup all over herself and the two mares, the human himself being spared from getting hit by more than a few drops. The two ponies didn’t scream, only looked down at themselves in extreme frustration before looking back up at Archard with a glare in their eyes and a frown on their faces.
“I… don’t take responsibility for that, but, uh... look on the bright side! You can get out of work now, right?”
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I mean, its really their fault for invocking Murphy and the crusaders are involved. So they should have half expecting that.
So, whos going to tell this weirdo he's not dreaming?
well the chapter's title is true.
nicely done!
Turns out an ape's hand is just as good as a monkey's paw.
This story is just getting better and better, hope some ponies will actuelly warm up to Archard.
Dear God ... That entire adventure is one for the history books
tree sap! who knew.
Ha! Saw that coming! He told them what they're cutie marks were but not how to get them, so OF COURSE they're going about getting them the wrong way!
10947024
If he didn't realize that before visiting Chaosville, I'm sure that made the point. I mean, what sort of dream could make mint ice cream traumatic?
Congratulations on probably being the first person to realize that maple syrup qualifies as tree sap when it comes to the CMC.
Hehehe NICE! 🤣
Another great ch love the syrup joke
Alas, the fillies made the syrup out of the sap of the Chinese lacquer tree...
So rash, much itch.
I love this story.
I don't think he realizes just how creepy he's being right now, lol.
11011664
Man..... This is brony. what did you expect?
10947649
It's not the first time ever read it but it's few and far between
He did that on purpose!