Strange Times
“Why isn’t this working?” Twilight asked, frustrated as she furiously scrubbed the mixture of water and herbs on her whoopie cushion hooves, trying to change them back to normal. “This should’ve cured us by now! It didn’t take this long the last time we ran into poison joke. What’s going on?”
“Perhaps I should run a bath, for a tougher strain you might have,” Zecora replied.
“A tougher strain? We didn’t run into any different type of poison joke, did we? Oh, what are we going to do? We can't stay like this!”
“Hmmmm… let me see what I can do. Perhaps I should make a stronger brew.”
“How long is it going to take? We have to find that human soon! Who knows what it’s doing? This is all its fault! It probably wanted this to happen.”
“On the bright side,” Pinkie jumped in, “at least I can be a balloon longer! Plus, if we wouldn’t have gone into the Everfree, we wouldn’t have made a new friend! Isn’t that right, Snowy Bumblebees?” Snowy nodded his head excitedly in response, getting drool on the floor of the zebra’s cottage.
“She is right, Twilight, it’s not all bad, considering there is much information to be had. About the human that you know, I have many things I wish to show.”
“Yes! That sounds perfect! An actual source on humans and what they’re capable of.” As she said it, she glared at Lyra, who only frowned back at her, thinking to herself about how she was being told off just a few hours ago about how they didn't exist. “What can you tell us? Do you know where it’s going?”
“The place it’s at, I cannot say where, but do not fret! I’ve more to share. The creature you’ve summoned here today, it can grant wishes, that I say.”
“What? It can grant wishes?” Twilight asked with obvious concern. “Are you sure about that? Because if that’s true, then that’s… that’s dangerous! We have to find it right now!”
“This I was told, but I am not sure. Humans are but legends in zebra lore.”
“I think I heard about that!” Lyra said. “I read about that in zebra mythology. If I remember correctly, they grant one wish per creature. I wrote that in my book.”
“Yes, yes, that is true, but wishing on a human you should not do.”
“Why not?”
“You may wish for something to be, but all is never what it seems. Instead of glee, you will shriek, for only havoc the human will wreak.”
“If I remember correctly, humans are like genies. You’ll wish for something, and you’ll get what you wanted but not in the way you expected. Basically, it’s gonna trick you if you make a wish.”
“I… I think I remember reading about that in your book, Lyra! You wrote that in and now this human is just out there…. somewhere… and if somepony reads your book and sees it, they could end up getting hurt! Not to mention its kind eats ponies! We have-”
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Twilight Sparkle and her friends,” somepony, Discord, suddenly said, interrupting the conversation as he appeared out of thin air. He stood before them holding a cup of tea on a small plate, taking a sip before continuing, “You know, I would think you’d be on top of this whole ‘human incident’ you have going on. Seems awfully irresponsible of somepony of your status to just lose track of it like that. Frankly, I’m disappointed. What would Princess Celestia think?”
“Discord! You know about the human?” Twilight asked.
“Of course I know about the human, Twilight,” Discord told her matter-of-factly. “Something as chaotic as that being has no chance of slipping past me. Although I must admit, Archard is rather impressive, but don’t tell him I said that. He makes me jealous.”
“Wait, you know who he is? How did you find that out? Did you see him? Where is he? Is he-”
“I’m not sure I should be divulging that information to you, Twilight. After all, you are a princess. This is something you should be able to take care of, especially since it’s your fault he’s here. He and Spike ruined an almost perfect tea party I was having with Fluttershy because of you, and you know how I like my tea time.”
“Wait a minute, that thing’s with Fluttershy?” Rainbow Dash asked. “What’s it doing with her?”
“Ah don’t know, but Ah guess if anypony can handle it, it’s Flutters, that’s fer sure.”
“We need to get to her right now! If she’s alone with it, it could-”
“She’s not with it anymore,” the draconequus said simply, loudly flipping open the newspaper he summoned to read.
“What?”
“She’s not with it anymore, Twilight. I believe it’s your hooves that are whoopie cushions, not your ears. It scampered off someplace else after I let it have a tour of Chaosville. That should have taught it for declining an invitation to hang out with me of all creatures. Bah humbug.”
“Where did it go? Is it wandering around Ponyville? You have to tell us!”
“Don’t get your mane all twisted into a knot Twilight, my dear. It’s not like it’s dangerous or something. Although I will admit it was rather annoying to hear it talk about how I was going to learn the ‘true meaning of friendship’ soon. As if I don’t already know. Who does he think he is? Plus, he tried to steal me away from my dear, sweet Fluttershy! The nerve of some creatures, I tell you!”
“But where is it, Discord? You have to tell us!”
“Well, actually, for your information, I don’t have to do anything. As I said before, this is all your fault, and as the pony at fault, it should be up to you to handle it. Celestia and Luna may have no problem delegating their work to other creatures, but I’ll be beside myself before I see it from you, Twilight. It’s for your own good really that I don’t tell you where he’s at, trust me.”
“Discord!”
“Hey, are ya really gonna act like that now? What do ya think Flutters would think?” Applejack asked.
“You ponies are always holding her against me like that. I swear, you’re no better than that human. You're just doing what he was trying to do. But since you’ve threatened me, I will admit to you that it is in Ponyville.”
“Where at, specifically?”
“I can’t say, seeing as I haven’t made it my job to play private investigator. Do I look like a character out of one of those repulsive detective books Rarity seems fond of? No.”
“Well, in Ponyville should be a good enough starting point… I wish we hadn’t have come all the way out here though,” Lyra complained. “I still say this is your fault.”
“Oh no, you can’t put this on me. This is its fault. It was the one that said it was going into the Everfree forest, not me. Plus, you said it liked being around trees, so-”
“Okay, can y’all stop arguin’ ‘bout who’s fault this is? It’s hard enough tryin’ ta find this thing without you two bickerin’ all the time.”
“I gotta say, AJ’s right. It is getting kind of annoying listening to.”
“Plus, you’re gonna make Snowy upset!”
"Baaaawk!" bawked the chicken who was still with them, strutting around the cottage.
“Ugh, fine,” Twilight rolled her eyes, mumbling, “Even though it is her fault.”
“It’s not a surprise it lied about where it will roam. Tricksters in Zebra folklore humans are known.”
“Okay, so then that proves that it definitely did this on purpose. It’s a trickster, plus it’s probably psychic, so it knew this was going to happen when it lied and said it was coming here. It knew poison joke was going to affect us.”
“Oh, I’d say it suits you lot, honestly,” Discord chimed in. “Especially you, Twilight. Maybe with whoopie cushions for hooves you’ll stop being so stuck up and taking everything so seriously. It would be good for you. You’ll have a grey mane by the time you turn twenty-five at this rate.”
“I’m not stuck up! And change us back! We have to find this thing, and we can’t do it like this!”
“Hmmmm I don’t think I want to. At least not without a picture0 of this. This is a moment I hope to cherish for a long time. Now say cheese!” Suddenly, he had a camera in claw and was snapping a photo, the bright flash lighting up the room much to the annoyance of the ponies in it.
“Awww, look! You’re all just so cute!” Discord continued with a wide smile plastered on his face as the photo printed out. “This one’s definitely going on the wall. It’s just too good. Your angry expressions make it that much better. Well, angry expressions from some of you anyway.”
“I’m not angry! I’m glad!” Pinkie Pie told him. “I wanna cherish this moment forever! After all, it’s not every day I can say I was a balloon, not even on my birthday or the Summer Sun Celebration or Hearth's Warming or Nightmare Night! This is amazing and the best, most amazingly fun thing ever! You don’t even know how much I’ve always wanted to be a balloon, and now I am one! All my dreams have come true!”
“I can see that, based on you and Lyra’s smiling in the photo. Which actually gives me a much better idea than fixing all of you. I’m only going to fix you and Lyra. After all, the zebra of your group apparently has a cure for Twilight and company, so why should I get myself involved in that? She needs to learn from her mistakes and face the consequences of her actions.” Before she could protest, he snapped his fingers, changing back the pink and mint colored pony exclusively, much to their dismay.
“And now all is right in Equestria once again. For now though, as much as I know that I’ve graced you with my presence, I must be off. The Foal Free Press should have a field day with these photos once they’re developed. Tata.”
With that, the draconequus a little wave and vanished, leaving Twilight mumbling to herself angrily in the bath Zecora had made for them as she, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash did their best to wash away the poison joke’s effects.
“Awwww…. I liked being a balloon…” Pinkie Pie whispered sadly, the manticore licking her cheek when it saw how disappointed she was.
“Yeah… And even though they were waaaay too big for me, having hands was nice…”
“Ugh, of course he only changes you two back, because you two actually like being affected by poison joke. Sweet Celestia, this day is turning out horribly.”
“Ah think our mixture is startin’ ta work, Twi,” Applejack broke in hopefully. Sure enough, she turned to see that the mare was starting to change back, the sand breaking away and revealing normal pony fur underneath it. As well, Rainbow Dash’s head looked like it was getting smaller again and changing back to its normal more fleshy look rather than hard plastic. Twilight’s hooves, however, seemed as though they weren’t changing in the slightest, remaining the awful flatulence-sounding devices the poison joke had turned them into.
“Why isn’t this working?” the alicorn demanded as she practically started rubbing the fur off of her coat, desperately trying to get Zecora’s cure to work its magic. “This should be working! What’s going on?”
“Although my brew has cured the rest, it seems for you more time in the bath would be best. However, it would be unwise to sit and stare, for you might not have time to spare.”
“What do you mean? What could happen?”
“This might be something already mentioned, but humans are known for their destructive penchant. Capturing it is not something to forego, for it has the potential to bring great woe.”
“Ugh, we know that already! But how am I supposed to do anything with my hooves like this?” She held up a limb for show, the floppy plastic whoopie cushion jiggling a bit on display. “I can’t do anything like this!”
“Ah think yer gonna have ta figure somethin’ out Twi, cause from what Ah’ve heard from you, Lyra, and now Zecora, we can’t be lettin’ this thing run around causin’ trouble.”
“Uuuggggghhhhh… Of course, this brew isn’t working yet and we have to go out to capture it. I am so gonna give that thing a piece of my mind when we find it.”
“That… that’s not the thing from that new book, is it?” somepony asked as they watched the strange creature walk by, looking dazed as it did so. “That can’t be it, can it?”
“I… I don’t know,” somepony else responded as they watched along with them, sitting on a park bench in Ponyville. “This has to be a trick by that crazy pony. What’s her name again? Lyra something?”
“It’s all she ever talks about…” the first one added, trailing off as the creature spotted them and changed its direction, heading towards them. “But umm… okay, this is a little creepy…”
“Should we, uh… get Princess Twilight?”
“I- I don’t know… is it wearing a Starswirl the Bearded outfit?”
“Hey, do you mind if I sit with you?” the creature, wearing his slightly inappropriate for the season outfit, asked, sounding tired and dazed. He didn’t even wait for an answer as he simply sat down in between them, leaning his head back against the bench and staring at the clouds.
“Thank you random background ponies that I don’t know the names to. You’re very kind… Celestia, that ice cream. Ice cream shouldn’t have such sharp teeth and scream so loudly, especially not mint ice cream.”
“Uh, yeah…” the first pony trailed off, both of them scooting farther away from him, slightly afraid. “We’re just gonna be heading off now though, so-”
“Can I have a hug?” Archard asked suddenly, catching both ponies off guard.
“Wh-what?”
“A hug,” he said flatly, sounding just a bit depressed. “I need one after that experience. That… man, I don’t think anyone should go through that. Those peaches just wouldn’t stop singing. They wouldn’t stop. I think I might have PTSD.”
“Um-”
“So I need a hug, and you ponies are all soft and cuddly. Do you think I could have one?”
“You know,” the second pony started, “we, um, we want to but uh…”
“We have a… prior engagement! One with uh…”
“Mayor Mare!”
“We’re going to Mayor Mare’s engagement, where, uh…”
“Where we’re going to hear about her fight against…”
“...parasprite...”
“Awareness!”
“Her fight against parasprite awareness. At her engagement. So uh, yeah…”
“We gotta go. Bye.”
With that, the two quickly scampered off, faster than Archard expected, so fast that had he blinked he would have missed it. In a moment, there was nothing but a small cloud of dust to prove the two were even there to begin with.
“That was incredibly strange.”
“What was strange, mister?” somepony asked, Archard recognizing the voice immediately and turning his head to see a yellow coated filly, along with her two friends, a white unicorn and orange pegasus.
“The fact that Mayor Mare is getting engaged and how she’s apparently speaking out about her fight against parasprite awareness.”
“Huh. That is strange. Ah ain’t heard nothin’ about that from my sister, Applejack.”
“Plus, aren’t parasprites bad?” Scootaloo asked. “I think I remember Rainbow Dash telling me about them before.”
“That makes it even stranger. These are strange times we’re living in girls.”
With that, the group became quiet, Archard simply staring ahead at the scenery, letting his hat block his eyes from the sun as the group of fillies stared at him curiously, no strangers to the strangeness that seemed to surround and invade Ponyville at all times. It was a long moment that passed quietly before the silence was broken again.
“I have a question,” Sweetie Belle asked in a high pitched voice.
“What’s that?” Archard asked back, still staring ahead at nothing in particular.
“What in Equestria are you? I’ve never seen anything as weird as you before. Are you that thing that Lyra Heartstrings is always talking about?”
The human put a hand on his chin and thought on that question for a moment before responding, “You three are absolutely adorable. Can I pet you?”
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Epic
Consent is important, kids
10922429
you. I like you.
Poor human... All he want is hugs and petting the cute ponys... Is he doing to boop the snoot i wonder...
Twilight insane Sparkle at your service...
Pet the Pon
We humans love you too, Zecora.
She means we're tricksters in a cool way like Anansi and Old Man Coyote, right?
well Twilight is definitely off her rocker lol.
This is great.
another well made chapter
10922584
Awwww, thank you c: It's always appreciated to hear!
10922429
#ConsensualCuddling
#PoniesAreNotZooAnimals
I don't know who to feel more bad for, Archard or Twilight and CO.
10922593
you're very welcome
This guy really should be more careful. Sure, they're all cute and adorable, booping snoots and scritching ears... then comes the "Let's try this!" and the "Uh oh" and then everything is tree sap.
My god, how did he get tree sap there?! (And he thought Chaosville was bad)
There's a reason most monsters stay away from Ponyville and remain in the relative safety of the Everfree Forest.
August 22nd
and this is such a grate story.
Am I the only one thinking Archard is mentaly challenge? Because I can't imagen anyone but 7 years old would act the way he does.
10923514
That's what I was thinking. Or that he really is 7; his age hasn't been mentioned, has it?
10923514
It won't last, he is this way because he is in a sort of fan mode, he thinks of this as a franchise, so the concept of there being consequences to his actions has not really hit home yet, thus his happy-go-lucky demeanor
Everything about this story just hits my funny bone. Especially the characters. I love it when they act so in character it feels out of character then loops back to being perfectly in character.
10923514
He just had a traumatic experience of witnessing pure unadulterated chaos , plus im sure he's thinking everything is a huge fever dream.. probably.
You know I just thought of something, were is spike near the end.
10922603 Ponies are FOOD animals!
*1950's-style jingle commences* For something tasty and good to eat, there's nothing so sweet as pony meat!
10928139
it’s just too sweet, like beef mixed with sugar
10937960 DEEEEE-LISH-US!!
Detected rage incoming!
I agree with what Discord said to Twilihgt about handling the situation. I'm dissapointed that her friends didn't point out how right Discord was.
10922429
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