The Human Incident

by Boopy Doopy

Night Time Matters

Fluttershy stepped in front of the chicken before it could be released to attack the human, Archard glaring at it with a powerful expression. If looks could kill, it would’ve already been dead, plucked, and in the oven, baking at three hundred and seventy-five degrees into a delicious meal.

“You think you won our last fight?” Archard asked as the creature ruffled its feathers. “You attacked first. That means you fight dishonorably. Try and come at me when I’m prepared for it next time. See what happens.”

“Archard, please be nice,” Fluttershy asked softly, floating over to him. “I’m sure you two could get along if you tried. Maybe you could even be friends.”

“I didn’t start the war, Steven Bawking over there did,” he asserted. “If he wants me to be nice to him, he has to be nice first, and stop staring at me with those big ol’ mean eyes!” The chicken bawked a couple of times in response to that, and Archard threw his hands up in the air. “See? He just won’t listen! Can you believe the nerve of him?”

Fluttershy now turned to the chicken to see if it had anything to say, to which it only bawked some more, flapping its wings as if explaining its side of the story to the pegasus.

“That’s bullshit and you know it!” the human accused, pointing a finger at the animal.

“Wait, you can understand what he’s saying, Archard?”

“Well, no, but I’m a pretty good guesser,” he replied, “and my guess is what he said is bullshit.” Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak, but stopped, frowning when she realized the human wouldn’t like what she heard the creature say. “It was, wasn’t it?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Bawwk! Bawk, b-bawk!”

“Hey, be nice to him!” Fluttershy got out. “You know, the more you talk like that, the harder it will be to make friends

“Humph. Well, I’m not sure I’d want to make friends with him anymore, not after that little comment.” He crossed his arms and turned away, saying, “I bet it was something hurtful, too, like saying he didn’t like my shoes, as if he has any in the first place.” With that, he yawned and stretched his arms, continuing, “Anyway, I really am getting tired, and would like a place to sleep and end this day off. Not with Steven Bawking though. He's gonna pluck my eye out if he's near me.”

“Uh, okay, you can stay with me, Archard,” Fluttershy told him before Twilight could say anything, “but I don’t think, um… whatever you’re expecting to happen, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”

“I don’t expect anything other than for you to keep being the most adorable thing in all of existence,” he told the pegasus kindly. “I’m gonna steal you away from Discord, just watch.”

“You most certainly will not!” the draconequus said, appearing for a second to say only that before leaving again.

Archard blinked at that, then said, “Never mind, I guess I won’t be… God, that ice cream. I never want to see that ice cream again…” Then he shook his head and continued, “Anyway, I’m tired, and as fun as this has been, I kind of want to go back home now, so I need to go to sleep.”

“Well, you’re certainly welcome to spend however long you need in my cottage,” Fluttershy said kindly. “It’s of no issue to me, and I certainly know I have the space for it.”

“Oh! Oh! Oh! What if he wants to stay with me?” Pinkie Pie asked enthusiastically. “Can he stay with Snowy and I, Twilight? Please?”

“That sounds like it would be the most fun ever,” Archard commented, “but I need to sleep, not stay up all night eating cupcakes. Maybe next time, when you throw me the most amazing “Welcome To Ponyville” party.”

“It’s gonna be the greatest party a super scary alien from another universe could ever hope for!” she cheered happily. “I’m gonna get to work planning on it right now!” With that, the pony raced out of the treehouse, Snowy Bumblebees hopping happily homeward to his companion.

“There they go,” Archard sighed wistfully. “When I’m not here tomorrow, make sure to apologize to her that she couldn’t throw that party for me. Unless you all fade out of existence because you’re all just a figment of my imagination. That’d be kind of gruesome, actually. I’m gonna pretend that’s not what’s gonna happen.”

“Why do you think that’s gonna happen?” Twilight asked, a bit nervously. “When do you think that’s gonna happen?”

“It’s gonna happen when I fall asleep because none of this is real,” he explained. “And since none of this is real, that means you’re all gonna fade out of existence. Or, at least, that’s the way my mind files it.”

That sent a jump through Twilight’s heart, but Fluttershy was already putting a hoof on her shoulder as she said, “I think you have some… interesting expectations for what’s going to happen, Archard. I think you might wake up confused if you think that’s what’s gonna happen.”

“I think it’s almost certain,” he responded. “I mean, what’s more likely: I got struck by lightning and went into a coma, or I got struck by lightning and got transported into a children’s TV show? Bear in mind, this is real life and not the universe you live in.”

That got Twilight’s look to change from worry to just plain confusion. “Um, we’re not in a… what in Celestia’s name is a TV show?”

“It’s basically a book, but like a play, kind of. The greatest medium of entertainment, one that surely will never die because everyone loves cable TV.”

“Uh, yeah… our lives aren’t a play, Arching. This is all really happening. We’re not a figment of your imagination.”

“See? Even Twilight-” Fluttershy started before she was interrupted.

“But we should probably be on safe side and keep him awake all night, just in case,” she continued. “If he’s being serious, this could have disastrous consequences for Equestria.”

“Well, humans are that powerful,” Lyra broke in, “but you’re not thinking straight. We summoned him here. There’s no way he’s right that we don’t exist or are in some sort of play… probably.”

“Yeah, probably. That’s why we need to keep him up! If he’s telling the truth… actually, speaking of which, Princess Celestia hasn’t gotten information on him yet! Spike, can you take a letter for me?”

Spike immediately ran to her ride, quill and parchment paper in claw. “Dear Princess Celestia,” the mare started, pacing around as her whoopie cushion hooves farted with every step. “Lyra Heartstrings and I have accidentally-"

"Not really an accident since I told you this would happen, Twilight," Lyra said.

"-managed to summon a dangerous creature, a human named Arching.”

“Archard.”

“He says he has the power to destroy cities and is likely plotting to take over Equestria.”

“Unlikely. That’d be way too much work.”

“And now he’s saying that if he falls asleep we’ll all disappear and that we’re a figment of his imagination and ponies in a play.”

“I said a TV show. A play was only a comparison to how-”

“Can you stop interrupting me, please?” Twilight suddenly snapped, turning his way. “It’s very distracting! This is Princess Celestia I’m trying to write to!”

“I’m just trying to make sure you’re painting an accurate picture of who I am,” he shrugged. “I won’t stand for you sending lies over to the best princess in Equestria.”

Twilight huffed and stomped out a fart as she continued, “What should we do, princess? Right now, we’re thinking the best option is to keep him awake so that way nothing can happen, just in case he’s really capable of such a thing. We’ll await your instructions. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

With that, Spike blew a green flame from his mouth, sending the letter directly over to Princess Celestia. The dragon burped out a response almost impossibly quick, and cleared his throat to read for everyone to hear.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle, I understand that you’re worried. Humans are indeed strange creatures, creatures that Equestria hasn’t seen in ages. However, I would appreciate it if you would treat whoever it was you summoned with the same respect as you would any other pony. In fact, you should consider them a guest to Equestria. We don’t want to give a bad impression to any creature who enters our territory. As for Lyra Heartstrings, I do believe she and I will be having a conversation later about her… habits.”

“Aw, come on, not again!” the mint colored unicorn complained. “That’ll be the third time this month!”

“In any case, please treat Arching–”

“Archard,” the human corrected, as though Princess Celestia herself were in front of him.

“–with respect and accommodate him as you would a friend. Your teacher, Princess Celestia.”

That made the human smile widely, and he turned to give Twilight a smirk, who only huffed and flicked her mane out of her face. “I guess that means you should be apologizing,” he said. “I mean, after all, the princess did say you should be accommodating me.”

She grunted in frustration and stomped a whoopie cushion hoof. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, looking away angrily.

“Thank you,” the human said smugly. “I appreciate it. Now if you don’t mind-”

“I’m finished!” someone suddenly yelled, rushing upstairs from the basement. It was Rarity, running up to Archard and holding her creation out in front of her with her magic. Everyone had largely forgotten that she'd chosen to stay behind to work on something for the human to wear.

“I’m finished with my latest creation!” she declared as she stepped up to him, holding a pair of pants and showing them off to him with a proud look in her eyes. “Isn’t it amazing?”

It was a pair of jeans, no different than any other that Archard had worn in his life, although it was a pair that looked like they fit just right. He had to admit though, from Rarity, he expected something fancier, more showy. He might have felt a bit surprised by what he saw.

“I spent all day working on them,” she said. “It took a while, but I think they’re the best they can possibly be. Not to mention, I sewed up a little something to cover your top half, as well," she added, holding up a plain white shirt. The human couldn’t say he’d see something much different if he checked his local Walmart. The two items looked quite generic for pants and a t-shirt.

“Well?” the unicorn asked, smiling brightly at him. “What do you think?”

“I think they look… absolutely amazing!” he said enthusiastically. “How’d you know that was what I always wore on Earth? This is great! But, of course, you’re Rarity, so I’d expect nothing but the best from you.”

“Awww, it’s no trouble, really. Try them on though! I’d greatly love to see how you look in them! After all, it is my first time designing clothes for a creature who’s not a pony, especially one as strange as you.”

“I’m gonna take your words as a compliment,” the human told her with a smile. “Thank you. But I’m not gonna try these on now. Instead, I’m gonna head on with Fluttershy to bed for the night so you all can fade out of existence, the way Celestia said. Fluttershy, shall we?”

Comments

[Bronycommander]

nicely done!

[Black--Soul]

Our human will have a surprising awakening and once he realised where he is... F-U-N

[Fluttercry12]

Wow another great ch thank u

[Sozmioi]

Twilight objected, "Ah, but I have a complex internal experience. So, if I am but a figment of your imagination, then I am actually you, so I won't go anywhere. And at the same time, if you don't have my experience, then the real you exists outside the bounds of your experience, so YOU will go away just like I do. On the other hoof, any time I feel like being me again I can."

Archard stared. "What."

Twilight smirked. "Or you could admit that you never would have thought of that, and we're real. Or I could begin showing some really marvelous mathematical proofs you couldn't come up with."

[The Taios]

i wonder if Luna would meet up with em' in the dream realm?

[duckmagee]

He in for a rude awakening

[ratio-craig]

11167450
oh.

but im a retard? (serious i have autism)

does this mean i go to equestria? lets goooo

[Ali della Morte]

11167975
Being autistic does not mean you are retarded. I'm autistic as well, so I can understand if the "RiE" insulted you. Personally, I think whoever decided that changing "Human in Equestria" to "Retard in Equestria" needs a serious lesson on manners and medical conditions.

[Ali della Morte]

11031099
And why do you think that's a good acronym to use? It is rude and insulting to a lot of people. Not to mention completely unnecessary...

[Morphy]

11167467

Waking up on the floor in a small cottage that is crawling with small, yet frighteningly intelligent, animals? Having a deep philosophical debate with a chipmunk over the comparison of the universe to the nut it's holding... well, until he recovers from that just-woke-up morning stupor with a thump on the head by Angel.

Angel's a jerk. Always.

[Demonic Lemon]

“There they go,” Archard sighed wistfully. “When I’m not here tomorrow, make sure to apologize to her that she couldn’t throw that party for me. Unless you all fade out of existence because you’re all just a figment of my imagination. That’d be kind of gruesome, actually. I’m gonna pretend that’s not what’s gonna happen.”

Azatoth would like to have a word with you

[tavie]

11168904
HI we're all autistic so we should start the autism squad XD

[tsaukpaetra]

He's really just delaying the mental explosion... 😅

[Savant Sentral]

11031099
In his defence I wouldn’t believe any of this either