• Published 10th May 2021
  • 12,192 Views, 603 Comments

The Human Incident - Boopy Doopy



Lyra Heartstrings loves humans, so much that she might have summoned one to Equestria

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Mayonnaise

“Are those sandwiches?” Archard asked as he looked up again after a minute of catching his breath, the rest of the room staring at him silently. “Sandwiches and tea? Oh, can I have some? I’m kind of hungry right now. I hope they have mayo. That’s my favorite.”

“Oh, well, I mean,” the pegasus started shyly, “of course you-”

“Absolutely not!” Discord interrupted Fluttershy. “This tea party is strictly for Fluttershy and I, and I won’t have any creature else interrupting. Now please kindly beat it before I turn you into a cheese souffle.”

“Discord, be nice,” Fluttershy told him sternly, taking a sip of tea.

“I will not be nice!” he responded. “This is supposed to be our tea party, and yet there seems to be a significant amount of strange creatures wandering into your cottage.”

“I’m not a strange creature!” Archard protested, still tired a bit. “You’re the one that’s strange. I’m just a normal creature!”

“It’s not a normal creature!” Spike got out, finally realizing he should say something. “It said it eats ponies! Twilight sent me to tell you that, Fluttershy, and that you have to get to her lab right now before it... well, heck.”

“I most certainly did not say that! I said other people eat horses, which isn’t the same as ponies. And even if they were the same, I would never want to eat a pony. And even if I wanted to eat a pony, I already pinkie promised not to, so…”

“Oh, I’m sure you wouldn’t hurt anypony,” Fluttershy agreed, flying up to him and putting her hooves around his head, ruffling his hair a bit. “You’re absolutely adorable,” she cooed. “I bet you wouldn’t hurt a fly, would you, you cutie?”

“Of course not,” Archard replied with a wide smile on his face as he was petted. “I’m adorable. How could any of what I do possibly hurt anypony?”


“How could we let it get away?” Twilight asked, flabbergasted that the human had escaped her so quickly, seeming to have vanished into thin air, nowhere to be seen once she was outside.

The whole chain of events that transpired happened quickly. She had gotten the needle to the tip of his vein for a blood sample when he all of a sudden broke his restraints (as he said he would do) and fled, somehow able to get through the door that the alicorn had magically locked.

Despite walking on just two limbs, he seemed to have a strange sort of agility, bounding up the stairs and out the door in the blink of an eye, Twilight trying and failing to chase after him as he yelled about how he was going to run off someplace. It caused a bead of sweat to form on her brow once she saw that he disappeared, and she looked around frantically for where the thing went.

“Lyra!” the mare called as the unicorn made her way to where Twilight was. “Where could it have gone?”

“It said it was going to the Everfree, I think,” Lyra told her, sounding a cross between nervous and serious. “Although it might have gone to Applejack’s orchard instead. Humans like trees, and use them to build things and burn stuff. We need to bring that chicken, as well as a pineapple, a small bag of sand, two nails, and three cloves of garlic.”

“What? What are we gonna do with-”

“No time to explain! We can’t stop and wait to make a plan! This thing is dangerous and is on the loose! We have to find it before it tries to hurt somepony!”

“It definitely went to the Apple family orchard,” Twilight said. “It said it was hungry, and said that it eats cows, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where it went. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to assume it knows where that is, so we have to get to it and stop it from doing something before something bad happens.”


“Yer knor, yeru havernt bern drnken yer tea, Dushcord,” the human said with a mouthful of sandwich as the draconequus glared at both he and Spike. The human chewed with his mouth open as he ate, causing even the Lord of Chaos to make a face at him in disgust.

“It seems I might have lost my appetite in the presence of those intruding upon Fluttershy and I. But don’t mind me, you two clearly have more need to partake in our tea party that you so rudely interrupted.”

“Oher.” Archard swallowed his food and continued, “Well, if you say so.”

“Awww, Discord, don’t be like that,” Fluttershy tried to say. “I mean, look at him! He’s adorable…”

The scene was a bizarre one to Spike, who was sitting at the table at Fluttershy’s cottage, carefully sipping tea. Here he was, drinking tea with the shyest pony in Ponyville, the Lord of Chaos himself, and a strange creature that Twilight summoned. It was one of the weirder things that he’d encountered since moving with the unicorn, now alicorn, to Ponyville, although definitely not the weirdest. Still, it was up there.

“Um, I think Twilight is waiting for us to get back to her to, um… deal with it?” Spike said before taking another sip. Not that he was too concerned. Fluttershy was great with animals, and this thing was an animal. Well, he thought so anyway. He couldn't really tell.

“Hey, I’m not an it!” Archard protested. “I’m a he, and deserve to be referred to as such.”

“Of course you do… what was your name again?”

“Archard Otieno as I was telling Lyra and Twilight before they so rudely chained me up.”

“Wait, Lyra and Twilight chained you up?” Fluttershy asked, putting a hoof to her mouth in horror. “That’s horrible!”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly chained per se, but they did put me in zip ties and tickled me, which I'm pretty sure is a form of torture. Luckily, though, I was able to break out, and now I’m here. I’m pretty sure they’re trying to chase me though… or maybe they don’t care? They probably do, though. Twilight didn’t seem very happy. But I told her if she touched me with that needle, I’d run, so I’m not in the wrong cause I warned her.”

“Of course you’re not,” Fluttershy told him, flying up to him again. “That must have been very scary, and any creature in your position would’ve ran off, too. Nopony here blames you for running away, but you have to promise not to run from me, okay?”

“Of course, I won’t run from you, Fluttershy,” Archard responded, moving his hand to pet her and scratch her ears. “You’re just as soft as Rarity, so how can I run away from you? I mean, unless Twilight comes back with that needle. I’ll run then.”

“I’ll make sure that needle goes nowhere near you,” Fluttershy assured him as she closed her eyes and started to purr.

“Awwww, you really are the Element of Kindness, aren’t you, Fluttershy!”

“You two’s public displays of affection are disgusting, you do realize that, Fluttershy.”

“Oh, hush now, Discord, you show affection, too,” Fluttershy replied. “Just in a different way.”

“I most certainly do not!” he argued. “How could anything I do be considered affectionate? I’m the God of Chaos! I’m the opposite of affectionate, see?” He snapped his fingers and conjured up a trio of hearts with stick-like hands and feet as well as razor sharp teeth.

“Oh, that’s just your way of showing affection. Everypony knows it.”

“Humph. I don’t see why we have to have either of those creatures eat with us. Although I must admit, I am curious how it managed to escape somepony like Twilight Sparkle.”

“Oh, I told her that I was gonna go to the Everfree forest,” Archard explained before taking another bite of his sandwich. “It was just a basic diversion technique though so they wouldn’t follow me. I mean, why would I ever go out there? It’s scary, and probably has bugs and shit. Not that I mind, I was just in a forest before I got here, but still. The point stands, I think.”

“Um, well… that sounds a bit dangerous,” Fluttershy squeaked out. “Maybe we should go and tell her that you’re-”

“No, no interruptions, Fluttershy,” Discord told her sternly. “We will not have our tea party interrupted by anypony else, least of all Twilight and her friends.”

“Yeah… I’m pretty sure she knows I was lying,” Archard commented, sounding a bit disappointed. “I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe me about even one thing, not even when I said I looked like Tom Cruise…”


“Like hay is some creature gonna try and eat my farm animals!” Applejack said angrily as she stomped a hoof into the dirt. “If Ah see that thing comin’ up ta my animals, it’s gonna get a good, hard buck in the face!”

“Oh, this is super exciting!” Pinkie Pie chimed in. “I can’t wait to throw a ‘Welcome To Ponyville Super Scary Alien Creature’ party! I have to get planning right now!”

“No time, Pinkie,” Twilight told her. “We have to find it and track it down and make sure everypony stays safe. That’s the objective here, especially with what we think it’s capable of.”

“Okay, I get that, but… what’s with all that weird stuff, Lyra?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Actually, what are you doing here at all?”

“I’m an expert on humans, and helped Twilight summon it here, so I know best how to handle it,” she explained. “I even wrote a whole book on humans that everypony should buy, seeing as I’m not crazy like someponies thought.”

“Yeah, well, you summoned the thing here, so this is kind of your fault, Lyra,” Twilight told her.

“Hey, I told you it was dangerous, and you still wanted to do it anyway, so that’s not my fault. Actually, I told you that you shouldn’t try to take its blood too, but you didn’t want to listen to me about that, either.”

“Whatever! We shouldn’t be standing here arguing about this. We need to find it before something bad happens! And if it’s not here, it’s probably in the Everfree Forest, so we need to find and capture it before sundown comes.”

“Well, let’s get Rarity and Fluttershy and then we can-”

“No, that’s not a good idea,” Lyra interrupted. “Too many ponies might frighten it or make it hear us before we can catch it. The five of us should be enough to catch it, as long as we have a good net. And we need to make sure it’s covered in garlic this time, so it doesn’t get away from us like last time.”

“Is there anything we can do to get magic to work on it?” Twilight asked. “It’d be great if there was something we can do about that other than tickle it.”

“Hmmm… I don’t know… I honestly didn’t think magic would have no effect on him… maybe if we covered your horn in mayonnaise?”

“Lyra, this is serious,” Twilight reprimanded her, scowling at the thought. “We don’t have time for jokes so-”

“It’s not a joke! Everypony knows that mayonnaise has magic enhancing properties… or is it miracle whip? I can never remember.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight yelled, getting fed up with the whole situation. “There’s no basis for that at all anywhere in thaumatology or I would know about it! There’s no basis for any of this! That ridiculous setup we used to bring the thing here shouldn’t have even worked! Everything you’re saying is complete garbage!”

“And yet you haven’t trusted me about one thing yet, Twilight,” Lyra responded. “Everything I’ve been telling you so far, I’ve been right about, and yet you’ve just completely blown it off. Maybe if you listened to me and believed me about humans in the first place, none of this would be happening! Now put mayonnaise on your horn like I’m telling you to so we can catch this thing!”

“ARGH!” Twilight yelled, hating her logic about how she should listen to her, what Twilight considered, illogical ramblings. Everything she said made no sense at all, and somehow none of what she said was proven wrong. Worse, much of it was proven right, and it frustrated the alicorn. She didn’t enjoy being in a position to have to listen to somepony like Lyra, and yet, at that moment, she really couldn’t help it.

She grumbled and started, “Rainbow Dash, can you get… ugh… a jar of mayonnaise, please? This is ridiculous…”

“On it,” she replied quickly, racing into the Apple family’s home and back out a few seconds later with a large jar of the stuff. “Did you need help with, hehe, um, putting it on your horn?” She couldn’t help laugh at the idea of what the mare was about to do.

“I’m perfectly capable doing this myself, thank you very much,” she said with a clearly annoyed tone. She took only a moment to look at the container and then up to Lyra, who gave her a simple nod. With that, she sighed and untwisted the jar to do what she said. She gave Rainbow Dash, who was already snickering as she watched her, a quick glare before closing her eyes and doing as Lyra requested.

“See? You probably- mmrph- probably already- hehe- feel stronger already, don’t you?” Lyra said, trying not to laugh at the sight of her. “But um, you should make sure it covers the- the base of your horn, too.”

“Ugh, whatever! It’s not going to make a difference! Let’s get going to find the thing!”

“Wait a minute! We’re also going to need catnip to try and lure it towards you, Twilight. Rainbow, can you run over to-”

“Let’s go!” the alicorn demanded, teleporting the five of them away from there and to the Everfree forest.