- Member Since 4th Apr, 2021
- offline last seen Jan 23rd, 2023
The Fearless Hussar
General, we are here till dawn, or till the battle is won!
The Fearless Hussar
Joined 4th Apr, 2021 ·
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An excellent story and beginning to the 'Rosiad'. Looking forward to part two when it comes along!
The sympathetic depiction of Rosa the idealist is an interesting one. A fundamentally good person who happens to be mucking about with stuff she perhaps shouldn't be. It'll be interesting to see what happens next, tragedy in the literal Greek sense or something else?
To those concerned by the mature rating; this is SFW. There is some serious gore that falls into the category of describing the horrors of war without going overboard in chapter two.
10764502
As I mentioned in the author's notes of the last chapter, I greatly thank you for the amount of time you put into reading this and actually providing corrections. I am working on fixing the two prequels now(2nd one is ready, 1st one is not). As for the sequels, I have a lot planned but I'll see how it will go after I complete the prequels.
10764750
Thanks! It was a pleasure
I can't believe I've never noticed this story before. I'm a huge Rosa fan (and a necromancer fan in general), and I always love to read about her exploits.
One big issue is the massive blocks of text throughout this chapter. I counted twenty-five sentences in the very first paragraph, which is way too long. A good rule to follow is that paragraphs should be no longer than five or six sentences, as anything longer is an eye-burning chore to read.
There are some minor errors aside, but those paragraphs are the thing I would advise focusing the most on at this time. I absolutely love the premise of this story though, and I'll be following it to the end.
EDIT: I forgot that using single quotes for dialogue is a thing in some countries.
Filly Rosa is so adorable X3.
The thirty sentence paragraphs are frightening. Also, this isn't something I normally say, but you could probably stand to cut back the dialogue just a little bit. You have the adults vomiting socio-political speeches at each-other with a lot of repetition throughout. It's already been thoroughly established that the ponies are racist little shits, but what else?
Poor Rosa, all she wants is a family and to touch floofy thestral ears. Also, I'm loving the philosophical discussions here, as well as the backstory of the windigos and the Empire of Undeath.
Heartening and riveting, I absolutely love this story so far! It certainly deserves far more attention than it's getting possibly due to the rocky start and all-consuming blobs of text. I eagerly await the next installment.
To those of you just now looking into the story: The first two chapters are a little rocky, but it's well worth reading through them to get into the meat of the story. It picks up and gets very good, very quickly. If you can ignore the paragraphs. I'm sorry for hammering on the issue so much, this story is fantastic, but those paragraphs bother me immensely.
10872078
Thanks a ton for reading through it all AND for providing actual feedback. I fully understand the problem with the long paragraphs and will try to alleviate it while editing chapter 4. Though to be perfectly honest the reason for the long paragraphs is because of the length of the chapters at points. At any rate, chapter 4 should be done within July, especially since I will be done with exams then and will have plenty more time to write. It will be longer than anything posted already, combined, and close to twice that amount.
And again thanks for reading!
Well, that's pretty Bulgakovian, I'd say. Reminded me of this:
11085632
I actually didn't know about Bulgakov, but I will try to do some research on his work. As for your point, it gets more complex later on.
11085910
Well, It's "Bulgakovian" not in a sense you'll necessarily find same point of view in his other books... rather that is the point that can be found in the Master and Margarita; nonetheless, I strongly recommend you to read, and I can suppose Pevear&Volokhonsky have better translation.
I miss this story...
If nothing else, I hope the author is doing well.