Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash sit down for a friendly game of Battleship. Or not so friendly.
This is my first fic ever, sorry if it's a little rough around the edges.
*NOTE* This was only supposed to be one chapter, but it was much too short, so I added the extra chapters,
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Several spelling errors, and make a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker.
This is an amazing FanFic! Even for a first one it is absolutely awesome!
Pretty funny!
Um, o.k.
Well, first of all let me point out the many spelling, grammar, and formatting errors. Also, you kinda jumped into the action with no build up, which can be o.k. if played out right. In this instance it wasn't. You jumped around alot and had way to many plot holes. This idea, if well executed, would require a huge build up to make the reader feel an emotional pull when Pinkie got enraged at Dash. Not just a sudden burst of anger, anger strong enough to make Pinkie burn down Twi's library. And about that, Twi' is a UNICORN! She can use magic to restrain Pinkie or put out the fires. Also, they just suddenly make up and go back to play the game that caused all of this. No cool off time. That just doesn't sound right at all. I'm sorry if I seem like a jackass, but constructive criticism can be a bit harsh at time. Please, from now on make sure you format right and try and have a better build up and climax so it seems more enjoyable. 
Sorry, but I can't see Pinkie turning into a homicidal maniac just because Dash hit her with a battleship piece. Actually, I can't see her getting especially upset about that. And I can't see Dash getting that angry about losing one piece, either. There's competitive, and then there's psychotic.
It looks like you've fixed most of you spelling/grammar/format errors, so good job on that. Like 1206865 said, though, this story needs much more buildup, both for Dash's frustration and Pinkie's rampage. Keep working on it. The first fic is always the hardest so long as you're willing to listen and improve.
@everybody Thanks for all the comments and constructive criticism, I will work on improving buildups, plot holes, and the like for my next fic.
1207999 Good to know and good luck to ya bud.