• Member Since 21st May, 2020
  • offline last seen Nov 19th, 2020

Shu kurenai


E
Source

This story is a sequel to Game time with Luna ( preview )


As a human in Equrstria you have been bored since you came to this world, until one night when you meet up with Luna unexpectedly...

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 21 )

Your description needs like, a spellcheck dude

Finally! A full version!!

10288013
Yeah, but with weekly updates!

10288015
That's great! At least I know the story will finish. Keep on the good work!

10288018
Thanks! Your the best!

You should specify that it has the preview in it as well as more...

Don't want new people confused like me!

As a human in equrstria

Your story description is just one sentence, yet the name of the country is spelled wrong and is not capitalised. Things like this turn readers away.

insert your favorite game console here

That's not how storytelling works. Don't ruin whatever immersion you've managed to build by using meta-tags. There is no need to specify the game system (although Nintendo-kid Luna from the picture is an amuzing concept), but don't openly remind to the reader that they are reading a fanfic (unless you are doing meta-humor, of course). Don't tell them openly 'Hey, you'll have to a lot of work here and imagine things'. If the story is good, they will do so themselves and won't even notice.

" Princess Luna!"

" Why hello again...

What is with this spaces? :rainbowhuh:

It feels like its going too fast.
Add a bit a detail here and there, just enough to get a real picture.
All I see is MC, Luna (who's appearance I image is the cover art's) , and a Console.

Needs some polish, good work nonetheless.

I love it!

Keep it up

I really wish that this wasn't cancelled. Even if there's a few spelling errors, it's a good story.

10304514
Stop judging yourself!

10287957

10288834
why so rude man? This guy tried his best! Be grateful man! >:(

10304705
I'm just pointing out it needs a spellcheck, which can help the story out

10304708
spellcheck or not, a story's a story.

10304711
True, but just saying it could be better if any errors were worked on, help the reader read it, etc

10304726
your missing the point!

10304728
I do appreciate the effort the author made, I'm just giving him tips to improve the work

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