Macho Women with Guns (monster-of-the-week, extra-thick cheesecake)
The clock in Applejack’s pickup truck had broken years ago. “Twilight, what time is it?”
Twilight uncurled herself in the shotgun seat enough to pull out her phone. “Eleven-twenty.” Then, “Forty minutes to midnight. We have time.”
“Enough to get any backup?”
Twilight shrugged. Applejack grunted, “Yeah, I didn’t figure. Son of a biscuit, usually I can handle late nights but I’ve been working the orchard all day.”
She heaved a deep, barrel-chested yawn. Twilight fiddled in her lab coat’s pockets and pulled out a tiny bottle that she handed off. “Drink this.”
Applejack frowned, though blinked a few extra times as she studied it. “Twilight, I don’t want no crazy chemical hoo-ha going in my body.”
“It’s just berry-flavored Powerthirst.”
“Right, what did I say?” Applejack grumbled. But now wasn’t the time to be choosy. She took the drink and downed it in one go, feeling her face twist as ungodly amounts of caffeine hit her all at once.
She opened the door and stepped solidly onto the pavement. If something beastly wanted to fight now, this was a fine place to do it. Empty parking lot, full moon, and revolver at her hip. An old wooden sign announced “Path to Midnight Castle,” with an arrow pointing to a marginally-less overgrown spat of trees. Given how the Everfree worked, it was even-money whether it would actually take her to the place. Granny Smith used to tell stories about how some trees here could shift around and had a powerful grudge against humans, and Applejack believed her even before all this hunting business began.
No point fretting it. No attack in the parking lot either, so Applejack busied herself hauling out an old wooden box. “Got any mad science to help us along?”
Twilight guiltily tapped her nails together, looking down. “No… this caught me off-guard. Honestly it’s a minor miracle I thought to check my tracking app before bed and see Sunset and Adagio were here.”
“Tracking app?”
Less-guiltily, Twilight shrugged. “Oh, those cupcakes I brought last week had transmitters in them. I figured it’d be useful in case anyone ever got kidnapped.”
Applejack opened her mouth to protest, then settled for a glower. “Girl, we gotta talk about scientific consent one of these days.”
“Success justifies obfuscation,” Twilight said, quite certain of herself. “Applejack, it’s worse than all that. Midnight Castle sits directly on the crossed ley lines that make Canterlot so interesting, and it was founded by an old Utopian society which jumped head-first into being a cult. According to my astronomy tracker, come midnight the moon will be closer to us now than any time in the last hundred years. I don’t know what’s going on and I wish I did, but Sunset and Adagio are in the middle of something bad.”
“I hear ya,” Applejack called. Only problem was she wasn’t ready for trouble, either. Only by good luck had she left Granny’s grandpa’s old coach shotgun in the car. Opening the case gave her a first good look at it – old, but oiled, with two barrels sawed-off as short as they could go.
They searched the glove compartment and cushions, finding a handful of revolver bullets and four right-sized shells. It would have to do.
“Stay here and call the others,” Applejack said.
“Wait, actually I do have something. It’s not much, but...” Twilight produced and handed over a sealed plastic baggy holding a translucent dust. “Adagio asked me to make some itching powder. Maybe it’ll help.”
“The Sam Hell did she want that for?”
Twilight opened her mouth.
Then closed it. “She didn’t say.”
Applejack gave a short chuckle and slipped the bag into her jeans. “A prank, got it.”
Twilight opened her mouth again.
Then closed it, blushing faintly. “Probably that, yes.”
“Right, see ya on the backswing.” The spare shells went in Applejack’s pocket. Nothing else for it – she swept the hat onto her head and followed the path. Trees blocked the moon as soon as she stepped from the parking lot, leaving her with nothing but thin shadows to show the way.
...Leaving Twilight was the right choice. If there was a fight (and there always was a fight), it would be hard enough without having to look after an unarmed girl. Hard enough without her usual gear: pump-action, silver shells, and well-equipped friends.
Applejack held the sawed-off with two hands. No time to be a cowboy about this, not with her friends (her girlfriends) at stake. No time to be scared of the dark and quiet forest, though she was scared all the same. The dark always made her a little nervous, and she didn’t like being alone on a good day. She needed someone to talk to, someone to protect. Was just a scared redneck without them.
It hit her in a rush that she’s never done this on her own before. She wanted to move real quiet, to cover every noise and chitter these creepy woods gave out for her.
No time. If bad news really was coming at midnight, she had to hustle. So she hustled, making tracks as quick as the meager light allowed. Branches plucked at her sleeves, and she wondered if the trees were watching.
“Beg pardon,” Applejack said, feeling stupid for it. “Just coming for my friends, we’ll be leaving right after.”
The path seemed a little more clear after that, lit by a little more moonlight. Applejack had the sense to realize this was probably because the path close to the castle had been better developed. Probably. Yet while the light around her grew, the space beyond seemed blacker than ever. The path widened into a clearing, then… nothing. Not even the shadows of trees.
Then a passing cloud moved from the tremendous full moon, and the pitch darkness revealed itself as Midnight Castle – a four-story edifice of gargoyles and black stone. More a mansion than a true castle, but plenty imposing on its own.
Applejack saw the skeleton approach her from across the clearing. It could be nothing else – white bones glistened in the moonlight, in stark contrast to the black manor behind it. Blue flames blazed within its eye sockets, and it impossibly held a medieval broadsword in fleshless hands.
She thought about the revolver, then grimaced. Probably no good against such a thing.
So it goes. She let it advance close enough to start raising its sword for the charge, then fired the shotgun directly at its skull. The flames vanished along with the head, and it toppled to the ground.
Three shells left. Couldn’t keep that up. More bony forms began approaching, coming in from their perimeter around the castle.
She put the shotgun in its sling and picked up the broadsword. A heavy, two-handed thing, build to smash as well as cut. Perfect for a girl her size. Applejack didn’t consider herself a swordsman by any stretch, but Limestone taught her the basics a few years back. Hopefully the skeletons weren’t any better.
Applejack took a few practice swings, counting a dozen on their way in. It’d be over in seconds if she let them gather.
So she grit her teeth and charged right at the closest one. The broadsword arced towards it in a wide, clumsy swing, but it was enough. The head went up, and the eyes went dark.
Applejack sprinted down the line, cutting down three more one-by-one. They seemed to have no reflexes for defense, and so when charged only thought to raise their own swings too late.
A fifth, a sixth. Applejack panted, catching her breath as she turned back to the others. The remaining skeletons had coagulated into a mob, headed by one with a raised metal shield.
Still too many. She jammed the sword into the ground (Limestone would have screamed at her) and drew out the shotgun. Another precious shell blasted into the skeletons, dropping two. Applejack grabbed the sword and charged once more, yet had to veer off the blow to avoid impaling herself on a spear. She turned to parry another strike, then ducked fast enough to lose her hat as the shield-armed skeleton swung high with a battle axe.
Parted hairs came down behind her as Applejack back-stepped, barely keeping out of their reach. They were slower than her, but that hardly mattered facing four at once.
“Come on, girl,” she growled, giving more and more ground. No way to tell if one was creeping behind her, or where each step was going. She moved to strike, but that dang spear was ready again, with plenty of blades there to catch her if she dodged.
She needed an edge. Her eyes cast about in vain. She had to make one herself.
What did she have? Strength. Brains. With her long arms and long sword, she had reach on everything but the spear.
Speed, too, though you wouldn’t think it to look at her. Everything from climbing ladders to wrestling pigs had given Applejack a quick spring on her long legs. She stepped fast to the side, putting other skeletons between her and the spear, then swung as far and long as she could. The tip of the sword caught one of them in the face, smashing it apart and sending the bones tumbling. She stepped back just as quickly, avoiding retaliation.
Three left. She chanced drawing her revolver and fired, but all it did was break a rib. Bit trickier to weave in and out now that the last two were covered by the spear.
Inspiration struck. “Hell with it.”
Applejack swung hard for the spear, knocking it wide enough to stumble into the shielded skeleton. She reversed her swing, piling inwards and lopping one’s top from its legs. The spear-armed skeleton drew back and she pursued, staying too close for it to stab her as she slashed through its spine.
The plan, desperate as it was, had been to use that slash to either block or force back the last foe. Her sword met the axe, but the frantic swing left it clumsy in her hands and it clattered to the ground. Applejack followed it, rolling desperately as the axe came down. No contact, though it ripped a fair part of her shirt.
No time to stand or grab the sword. Applejack propelled herself at the skeleton’s legs, knocking it down with her. One strong hand seized the axe-arm below the elbow and pulled, bringing the thing face-first into her clenched fist. The head went flying, and the body went still.
Applejack clambered upright in a panic, but a quick glance showed she was alone once more. A few good gasps returned her breath. She reloaded her shotgun and picked up the sword, though frowned as the ripped shirt caught at her arms.
Couldn’t get a good swing like that. Applejack slid what was left of it over her head and tossed it to the side. Nothing left for defense but a sports bra and girl abs, but it ain’t like cotton would stop a broadsword anyway.
She retrieved her hat, feeling as much as looking in the suddenly-dim moonlight for damage. Maybe another cloud was over it.
…Maybe something else. A chill went down her back. The black around her was deepening, as if the moon no longer shared its light. It still hung white and selfish in the sky, with an illusory face upon it somehow taking the image of a skull.
The voice came, low and feminine. “Child of light, prepare for darkness.”
It came from the castle, but from all over the castle. The black of its stone seemed to be pooling out to the air.
Applejack set the hat on her head. She found a sheath on one of the skeletons and strapped it to her back, though kept the sword in hand.
“Just here to get my friends,” Applejack called out, turning squarely face the castle’s heavy wooden doors. “And I guess save the world, if that’s about to be a thing.”
Dry grass crunched under her boots as she walked forwards. The voice gave a harsh laugh. “Worry not, for the world shall now be saved from the tyranny of day! Darkness shall rise, and the night will last f–”
“Lady, I ain’t in the mood,” Applejack growled. She turned the doorknobs, then yelped as the stone beneath her instantly gave way. Her fingers clutched at the trapdoor’s edge too late, only scraping them as she tumbled down a metal slide deep into the bowels of the castle.
She landed hard on cold cobblestone at the end of it all, dizzy and bruised and mercifully unimpaled by her own sword. Strange blue torches gave illumination as she staggered to her feet, and the debris of bones crumbled beneath.
A mausoleum. An old and ill-kept one at that, with skeletons sprawled from where they had once lain in state.
…A very, very large mausoleum. Alcoves stretched into the distance with no clear way out.
“How good of you, to save us the trouble of your own disposal!” The voice cheered, and an unsteady clattering filled the room as the bones of a hundred corpses began to move. “Your flesh shall feed the glorious Nightmare, and whatever remains shall serve her in death.”
Blue flames lit in every skeleton’s eyes, and they raised as one to face the intruder.
Applejack planted her feet and readied the sword.
The necromancer would have been quite short had she not worn both heels and an elaborate headdress made to look like a raven. She twirled, casting a deep blue cape in her wake and gesturing grandly as she spoke. “…And now, the Midnight Society at last reaches its perfection! With all in place at this holy hour, the Nightmare shall rise and the night will last forever! An age of dreamers and sin; a perfect republic with our queen at its head, and her loyal servants ruling above the masses. An age of–”
“Take a FUCKING breath, lady!”
After a full hour of being literal captive audience to the monologue, Sunset was done. She heaved, glaring defiantly at the necromancer.
A slight chuckle to her side made her snap again. “Adagio, we are about to die. Take this seriously.”
Adagio shrugged as well as her chains allowed. Both girls were bound hand and foot, but only tightly enough to force them to a kneeling position within a carved symbol of doubtless-terrible implications. It was elevated perhaps a foot from the ground, in some old ballroom brightly lit from a massive window showing the full moon.
…Also, while they were unconscious the necromancer apparently swapped out their clothes for skimpy chainmail bikinis.
“Think positive,” Adagio said. “Maybe she’s not gonna kill us.”
“I’m going to kill you,” the necromancer clarified.
“Oh come on, why?” Adagio wheedled. “It’s not like we’re virgins anymore.”
The necromancer arched her beaked nose regally. “It is said that in brightest moon and darkest night, we shall offer two girls with skin like the sun and slaughter them like pigs, thereby feeding the ascendency of the–”
Sunset’s face twisted so hard it hurt. “Wait! Wait… wait.”
A pause, and she unleashed it with all the evening’s frustration behind her. “This is about our skin color?”
“Wow,” Adagio said with as much disapproval as could fit. She only deigned to glance sidelong at their captor. “Just, wow. Even among cultists, huh?”
“H…hey, it’s not like that!” The necromancer screeched. “I’m not like that! It’s the prophecy, that’s all. ‘With skin like the sun, their blood shall–’”
“‘It’s the prophecy,’” Adagio repeated in a droll tone, making air-quotes with her fingers.
“Okay, you know what?” The necromancer snatched out a curved dagger from her robes. “It’s basically midnight. Time to die.”
Sunset grit her teeth as the woman approached. Adagio blew a few curls from her face.
And then the doors flew open with a sound that could only be leather boots onto oak. Errant bones and bone shards flew into the room as the kicker lowered her foot.
It was Applejack, but not quite the same Applejack the others had ever seen. The hat was there, and the long hair was tied back into a simple ponytail. A cut ran across the homely freckles of the left cheek. The natural joy of her mouth and eyes were dimmed with exhaustion and exasperation. Her knuckles were dusty and bruised from many punches, and the sword in her hand was bent and notched. Sweat glistened across her abs and bare arms, and a few close calls had shredded her denim pants into shorts that were well on their way to becoming underwear.
“Oh, save us, Applejack!” Adagio abruptly and unconvincingly screamed, writhing sensually in her loose chainmail bikini.
Applejack drew her pistol and aimed to the necromancer. “Hands up.”
The woman hesitated, seeming to judge her knife against the gun before dropping it to the ground and raising her arms.
“Little anticlimactic, but hey.” Applejack strode towards the others. Her eyes dropped to their breasts, but rose at once above a blush redder than the cut.
“So, uh…” Applejack coughed and went on with a deeper voice and exaggerated swagger. “You girls go to high school, or…”
Faster than a blink, the necromancer drew a Luger and pointed it at Applejack.
Faster still, Adagio squeezed her wrist from its manacle and slid a hairpin from her curls. A flick of her hand sent three inches of disguised steel sailing perfectly through the air to impale the necromancer’s palm. The pistol skittered to the floor, blood splattered, and the woman staggered with a cry.
Applejack spun to cover the injured foe while Sunset whirled on Adagio. “You could have escaped any time!?”
Adagio shrugged, squeezing her remaining limbs from their bonds with eel-like slipperiness. “Yep.”
“Why…?”
“It was sexy. Duh.”
The room dimmed in the next instant, fast enough to set them to blinking. Even the necromancer hesitated, still clutching at her hand.
…Her yellow hand. Sunset’s eyes traveled from it to the bloodstains, flecked so lightly upon the ritual symbol as to be invisible in the faded light.
Hollow and cold, something roared from every corner and shadow where light did not fall.
“That’s all it takes?” Sunset growled.
The necromancer shook her head, but trembled as the darkness moved around them. “N-no… the ritual called for one sacrifice to shed blood first to attract the Nightmare. She would then follow its scent and… and…”
Applejack stepped, and touched something wet, warm, and slimy. She jerked back, but peered down at the darkened floor and found nothing. Just like outside, the light was fading even as the moon hung low and bright.
Then came a hiss, and rattle like a serpent’s tail. One cruel blue eye the size of a head opened in the black, leering right upon the necromancer.
She sprinted for the door. White teeth formed beneath the eye and it lunged, missing her body but catching the cape. It yanked her back, tossed her to the air, and she fell into the black of its gullet.
Torch and moonlight gave Applejack a meager view of the Nightmare, but never one that made sense. It had a dragon’s head, but then she blinked and it was a horse, then snake, always with the one looming eye. It slithered on its belly, yet scuttled like a caterpillar to turn and face them, long and huge.
“Daj?”
“Yeah?” The siren managed.
“Get Sunset and yourself outta here.” Applejack raised the sword.
The Nightmare struck right for the dais and its sacrifices, trying to speed past Applejack. She swung into its side, delivering a deep gouge and an oddly feminine cry of pain. It drew back, turning the eye upon her.
Snake, horse, spider… the darkness sloughed unsteadily from one form to the next, like it couldn’t hold any for more than a few seconds. Black liquid oozed from whatever formed its body.
‘Maybe it can’t last so long as the ritual’s incomplete,’ Applejack mused. ‘Maybe I just need to hang on until–’
It lunged before she could complete the thought, this time right for her. She tried to parry but raw mass knocked her prone. She rolled and swung blindly, winning another slash into its flesh. An odd tendril slapped the sword like a hammer, numbing Applejack’s hands and knocking it free with the second blow.
The eye was above her now, pressing down with teeth the size of her fist. Applejack shoved at what passed for its face, feeling the teeth scratch her bra as they worked a frenzy to come down lower. She could feel it inch closer despite her every effort, weight and strength and gravity on its side.
She gave a last, mighty shove, earning an instant’s time to grasp for the revolver. She cursed as her hands found empty leather – it had been thrown clear in the tussle.
The Nightmare reared back, all the way to the ceiling. Even if she could fend off the teeth, this last slam would smash her open. As Applejack moved her arms back for a desperate guard, her fingers drew across some flimsy plastic that had spilled from her jeans.
…Twilight’s bag.
Her eyes shot wide. She seized the baggie, punching holes with her fingers. And as the monster charged, she gathered powder and plastic and hurled it with all her might for the creature’s eye.
Itching powder hit the fleshy orb, and a scream to dwarf all those before rang out. The Nightmare’s head jerked and thrashed, ramming Applejack imperfectly and carrying her along. She rolled, narrowly avoiding getting crushed by tumbling herself upwards onto the creature’s head.
Like a maddened serpent it bobbed wildly, slamming into walls and pillars, unable to even blink away the maddening itch in its eye. Applejack’s breath left her in a whoosh as it smashed her to the ceiling.
Yet she grinned as it came down. She had it.
“YEEEEEE-HAW!”
With both knees and one hand Applejack held on, freeing the other as the monster bucked and shook. She drew the shotgun, planted it right against what passed for the Nightmare’s temple, and let fly with both barrels. It shuddered and spasmed, shaking her for a good thirty seconds more of ever-weakening motion. Applejack held on firm until the eye closed and the head settled to the ground. She made to step off, and stumbled – suddenly, nothing was there. Nothing between her legs but darkness, lit by torches which now seemed a good deal brighter.
Sunset had scooped up the revolver and Adagio stood with the necromancer’s blade. Both had made ready to help, but with the danger now passed they stowed the weapons in favor of very meaningful smiles. They slunk over to Applejack, leading one hip at a time to let their chainmail clink.
“Let’s go home, girls,” Applejack said. One strap of her damaged bra fell down from her shoulder.
“Yes,” Sunset purred. “Let’s.”
Adagio chimed in. “Also, we’re keeping these outfits.”
The side door was locked, but nothing a muscular leg in a cowboy boot couldn’t handle. They still had to walk a forest path and the other girls were barefoot, so Applejack chivalrously carried them both. One sat on each of her sturdy forearms, hugging her for balance as she strode away.
Behind them, Midnight Castle collapsed for some reason. Nobody looked back.
Twilight flagged them down in the parking lot. At Sunset’s request she agreed to drive so the others could… tend to Applejack’s wounds.
It was a tight squeeze getting three people in the backseats of the pickup truck, but that suited each party just fine. Applejack made her way to the middle, while Sunset and Adagio closed in on each side.
Sunset stroked a muscular arm. Adagio let her fingers run over thighs below the crippled jeans. They looked to Applejack’s face, silently jockeying for the first kiss.
Applejack’s mouth hung wide open. Her head rested flush to the seat, and as they pulled from the parking lot the first uproarious snore left her mouth.
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"POCKET SAND!"
Both Adagio and Sunset:"Men".
Glorious!
It does need the two sequels though, Batwinged Bimbos From Hell and Renegade Nuns on Wheels. Gonna drop those in the suggestion tread, but had to say.
Simply GLORIOUS!!
Lol! i totally forgot about this idea.
Like she said.
... You what?
The classic double barrelled shotgun. Favored both by armored badasses who shoot up Demons, and unarmored badasses who shoot up Demons and have a chainsaw for a hand.
Probably.
Spooky.
And it's probably light if you have your Geode on.
She doesn't have it then.
Probably not, no. And if cotton CAN stop a broadsword, that's either some damn good cotton or one shitty broadsword.
Ah, brilliant.
Nothing like completely undermining a Big Bad's evil speech.
See?
Ah. I see.
WOW. Just, wow.
Ah, so she's going full Barbarian.
Cute.
Wow. Adagio is a SCARY woman.
Of course.
Oh shit.
You dun goofed.
Oh that's gotta hurt.
Click click, Boom boom.
Sounds about right.
HAH!
I thought you said the previous story would be the last one in this series.
What happens when you're stuck between two gorgeous women.
This seems apropos:
Having a single huge eye never seems to end well for many a monster. It's just too damn tempting a target to ignore. But yes a lovely chapter, by any chance have you considered the idea I had about Adagio and Cthulhu?
This was amazing and fun and Applejack deserves both sunset and adagio fawning over her Conan the Barbarian abs
10340798
Or a Gamberson, in which case it should but also has enough layers to count as armor.
nice work.
Now in GODberry! (King of the JUICE.)
That first fight scene was great, but all throughout, I couldn't help but think "Wow, this is a tense Bloodborne playthrough."
Yeah, Luna fans calling it "the New Lunar Republic" has struck me as bizarre for almost a decade now. You guys do realize she's an absolute monarch who missed the last millennium of political development, right?
Someone had to say it.
Some things are traditional.
Fantastically pulpy from start to finish. Thank you for it.
10340798
Was covered long-ass time ago, the geodes aren't a thing in this verse because it's an urban fantasy setting and not a superhero setting i guess reasons.
I guess the point of divergence is that Everfree Forest is spooky scary here and not a fun campground so no camp-out, geodes, Timber Spruce, and so on, but I haven't thought all that much about it and Forgotten Friendship happened here anyway so we're playing it as it lies.
10341852
I thrive on oblique and often-dated references.
NOW IN FLAVORS LIKE
MANANNA
FIZBITCH
AND GUN
10341118
tbh everything goes into a notebook, then when I start a new chapter I browse to see what I wanna do. It's why I say to throw whatever you want at me and who knows what'll stick. I gotta say I'm not feeling it right just for headcanon siren backstory reasons, but that always might change.
How do I keep missing these? Gonna have to tag it for email updates or something....
I see the Midnight Society has gotten significantly more evil since 1996. (or 2000. Or 2019. Reboots, man.)
Well, more art ideas!
“It’s just berry-flavored Powerthirst.”
Why the hell is Applejack drinking crystal meth in a can?
Now this is a battle cry that I heartily approve of.
Aj just went Castlevania
10853339
"Die, monster. You don't belong in this world!"
Did AJ fire 5 shots with 4 shells? Impressive.
Ah the perks of being a teenage monster hunter. I was kind of waiting for a mention of the evil evil doer grabbing then thinking to get since virgin blood, only for them to give a smug grin at how wrong a guess that was.