Home Improvement (slice-of-life, you know, for monster hunters)
It was a Perfectly Ordinary Day in Ponyville™. This was always a good thing, but especially on re-shelving days. Princess Twilight practically danced among the books, checking and categorizing them across the entire castle library. Nothing could ruin her day – certainly not the tell-tale flash from a familiar magic mirror. Unexpected, but her human friends were always welcome.
Twilight wasn’t even annoyed at the interruption. She beamed at the newcomer, waiting patiently as Sunset Shimmer stumbled in on unfamiliar hooves, even flapping her wings now and then to keep balance.
...Wings.
“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “You’re an alicorn!?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah.” Sunset looked left and right, brushing past her in evident search for something. “Hi, Princess. Don’t mind me, I’m just… I’m just gonna...”
She trailed off, moving to the hallway. Twilight and Spike shared a confused glance before following.
“Are you looking for something?” Twilight tried.
“Like a crown?” Spike added. “Celestia’s gonna love this.”
“Not a crown,” Sunset mused. She poked her head into the library, frowned, and kept moving down the hall. “Nothing that big. Excuse me.”
She went on, looking around while mumbling ‘excuse me,’ and ‘I’m just...’ always trailing off before finishing the thought. Twilight and Spike walked behind, giving occasional questions to which they received no real answer.
“Hey, I hope I’m not being a bother,” Sunset finally said. “Where do you keep the… you know, the spare jewelry and stuff? The princessy trash you get from aristocrat wots-their-names and just kind of have to put somewhere?”
Twilight hesitated. “Um… next door on the left. What’s going on?”
“Cool, thanks.” Sunset nodded, then followed the directions to an unlocked walk-in closet filled with Twilight’s nicer things. Hats from Rarity and gifts from Canterlot were packed inside with earnestly less care than they deserved.
“Sunset, what…?”
“Wait, wait, excuse me...” Sunset made a beeline for one such gift, tossed carelessly upon a dresser: a golden bracelet set with a large sapphire, too large to be worn in any practical setting at all.
Sunset picked it up with her magic and turned to Twilight. “Hey, excuse me? Do you need this?”
Twilight shared another glance with Spike. “…No?”
“Cool, cool. Can I borrow it?”
“Um.” Twilight smiled weakly. “Sure thing, Sunset.”
“Doormat,” Spike whispered.
“Awesome. Thanks for letting me have this, I’ll get out of your hair. Sorry to bother you.” Sunset left the closet and walked past the pair on her way back to the mirror.
“You’re no bother at all!” Twilight sped to catch up.
Spike blinked. “Wait, what do you mean ‘have’ this? I thought you were borrowing it?”
“Actually, um, actually… I mean, I don’t want to bug you or anything.” Sunset mumbled a bit, still walking towards the mirror. “I’ll write you later, okay? Thanks a bunch, this is real big-dick friendship energy right here. Don’t mind the alicorn thing, I’ll fill you in later if it comes up. I’m trying to be cool about it so actually if you would please not tell anyone that’d be the greatest.”
She turned in front of the mirror, finally making eye contact and giving a smile. “You’re the best, Twilight.”
“Thank you!” Twilight closed her eyes and beamed. When she opened them, Sunset was already halfway through the mirror.
Back in the human world, Sunset slipped the bracelet into her purse. “I can’t believe that worked.”
She turned and bowed back towards the mirror. “Sorry, Twilight. I’ll make it up to you.”
Principal Celestia chewed quickly into her one slice of toast. No idyllic family breakfast this morning, there was a lot to do. “Luna, we should move. Can you wake up Sunset?”
“On it.” Luna stepped quickly around the tool chests and paint cans cluttering their living room. She pushed open a last door to find Sunset already dressed and vertical, doing morning stretches and tik-taking on her phone at the same time.
Luna gently stopped her with a touch. She then brought her hands up and smooshed Sunset’s cheeks, leaning down a bit to put them eye-to-eye. “Sunset Shimmer, the meaning of life is to live one’s own life. It’s so simple, so obvious, and we as a society just can’t figure it out.”
“What are you doing?” Sunset said as best she could with her cheeks smooshed.
“Celestia asked me to get you woke.”
“I’m up. I’m ready.” Sunset pulled away and threw on her jacket. “And I’m pumped! I haven’t even seen the place yet.”
Luna gave a wry smile. “I don’t know what you’re expecting. It’s a two-hundred thousand dollar house we got for fifty. It’s a train wreck. If we work at it all day today and Sunday, we’ll still have a long way to go.”
“Yeah, but when we’re done it’s going to be ours.”
Luna’s grin grew a little wicked. “Technically, co-owned by Celestia and Torch. But I fronted the cash-down for them, so get ready to pay rent, sucker.”
Sunset’s head bobbed. “Oh, sure. No problem.”
The grin fell. “Sunset, you know I’m joking. The reason we bought that clusterflop is so we’d have a place big enough to accommodate our weird double-family. You ain’t paying rent. Honestly, I wish it was closer to the university so we could ditch that shitty over-priced dorm.”
“I’m only there for another few years,” Sunset said. She froze a second, wondering what would become of her friendships and more once they graduated, then pulled herself hard back to the present. “Besides, we’ve already put hours and hours into it already, choosing everything from the floors to the porch design. It’s going to be ours, top to bottom. And my own little corner of the place is going to be mine. That’s worth a few weekends.”
“You say that now,” Luna chuckled. “‘A few weekends’ is a pretty generous guess. You’ll see.”
Boy howdy, Sunset saw.
It was a good-sized place, and relatively new. It had a full second floor, plus a master bedroom on the main. And it had not been maintained at all in the last thirty years – new drywall, paint, floors, and HVAC would render the place livable. Then they could turn to the steps, windows, driveway, bathrooms...
Torch and Ember met them there. They were pretty handy with such things, as was Celestia. Sunset wasn’t at all, but she had a secret weapon that had already begun trickling in. A small line of cars soon disgorged her six friends and more. Wallflower hopped out of Applejack’s truck, carrying her toolkit. Fluttershy brought one too, and the rest could at least follow instructions.
Celestia hadn’t known they were coming. It took her an extra few minutes to stop crying and thanking them. And then the rainbow-colored blur got to work: scrubbing, sweeping, prying, pasting, hammering, and painting.
One more arrived, who Sunset didn’t notice at first. She walked into what would one day be Luna’s bedroom to find Adagio at work scraping off the rotted floral wallpaper. Rubber gloves protected her precious nails, and her hair was tied back as best as it could into an exploding ponytail. She wore jeans and an old Neo-Dazzling T-shirt, both already stained from the messy job.
Sunset hesitated, watching long enough for Adagio to notice. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”
“Sorry,” Sunset managed. She stepped into the room. “I didn’t know you were coming.”
“I was there when you asked the group.”
“Um… yeah. Yeah you were.” Sunset shuffled in place, then beamed to her. “Thanks for coming. It’s really cool of you.”
“Whatever.” Adagio turned back to her work. “Just don’t make me write a friendship report.”
Sunset gave a laugh. “You know, when someone thanks you for something nice that you’re doing, it’s okay to just stick with ‘you’re welcome.’”
Adagio grunted as her scraper hit a snag. “Not my style.”
“Yeah, I guess not.” Sunset laughed again, and gave her shoulder a friendly pat. “Thanks anyway. You’re a good friend.”
“Whatever.”
Adagio stayed turned, hard at work on the wall. Sunset stepped out, but took a stealthy last look inside and saw the smile on Adagio’s face.
“Two paint cans, Ember, looks like they’re light blue. Is it for your room?”
Ember looked up from her work in the now-hazardous living room and stepped gingerly over to where Celestia stood. She eyed the cans, then shook her head. “Must be for Luna’s. Mine are the black ones.”
“Got it.” Celestia hoisted them up. “I’ll leave these in the garage for now. Is your room ready for painting? I can get started with that.”
“We’re done cleaning and the floor’s fine, so yeah, I think so.”
Ember followed it with a smirk. “Would you have let Sunset paint her room black?”
“Sunset is twenty.”
“I mean if she was a kid.”
“Yes, of course,” Celestia said. She smiled a bit, perhaps imagining the scenario. “Choosing one’s own room color is a harmless and inexpensive means of expressing oneself. Children need to do so as much as adults. If Sunset wanted that, it is what she would get.”
“Man, if you were around when I was little, I would’ve gotten away with everything.” Ember grinned.
It fell. They lacked furniture, so she sat down on the floor. “On the other hand, I… sorta did already. Being a single father didn’t leave Torch much time to watch me, and he was pretty hands-off when I was bad. I made a bunch of mistakes with school and stuff, wouldn’t be anyplace good right now without him. He even took me into the business, fixing and painting bikes. The last few years are the most time I ever spent with him, and they’ve been awesome.”
Celestia sat down next to her, leaving a comfortable distance between. “Thank you for sharing him.”
Ember shrugged. “Eh, you’re cool. You two do what makes you happy, just don’t throw me out.”
“Never,” Celestia promised. “So you know… I don’t know if we’ll get married. It’s been a year now and we like things the way they are, so we might not change it. But we might. And if that happens, you never need to call me anything other than Celestia.”
“I never had a mother.”
Ember scooched closer, filling the distance between them. “Honestly, I don’t need one. So thanks for being all… you, and stuff.”
“You’re welcome.” Celestia reached her arms around Ember.
“I don’t do hugs,” Ember said.
“That’s okay, you don’t have to hug me,” Celestia said as she hugged Ember. Ember made a show of glowering, hiding her grin as she discreetly leaned into it.
Torch was handy. Him, Fluttershy, and Celestia all knew of various odds and ends of home repair and maintenance, some of which Celestia learned keeping her school habitable in absence of proper funding. Put together, they felt pretty confident even with larger tasks like the floorboards.
Sunset and her friends… meant well. They were extra hands, making the work lighter and more fun. Even if Rarity had to be redirected from hanging up curtains and drapes, towards less fashionable tasks.
One of them, though, did more work than the rest put together.
Celestia approached to find her varnishing the master bedroom floor, having already fixed it. Applejack wore a yellow helmet with a flashlight on it, safety goggles, and overalls with every pocket stuffed with tools.
“Stay back, Miss Celestia, let’s let it settle.”
Applejack righted herself, standing back from the room. Celestia smiled indulgently. “Applejack, you can drop the ‘Miss.’”
“Sorry. Old habits die hard.” Applejack shrugged, grinning with the rush of a job well-done. “Nice new pad, or at least it will be. Big ol’ basement for your work, enough bedrooms upstairs for the kids and Luna to have their space and then some. You five will be real comfy when all’s done.”
“Six,” Celestia gently corrected, bobbing her head.
“Six?” Applejack began counting on her fingers. “You. Luna, Sunset, Torch, Ember...”
She glanced over to find Celestia stock-still, with wide eyes and a hand cupped over her mouth.
“Oops,” Celestia said.
Applejack’s smile spread across her face. “Miss Celestia, are you…?”
“Shush!” Celestia squeaked. She moved her hand over Applejack’s mouth, then back to her own, then down. “It’s… it’s a secret. It still is. Just me and Torch, for now. Very early, we’ll give it a little bit. Don’t tell anyone.”
“No worries, ma’am.” Applejack placed her left hand over her heart and raised her right. “Your secret’s safe with me, sure as sure.”
Celestia released a happy sigh, and wry smile. “Honest Applejack, keeping secrets? I hope I didn’t put you in a hard position.”
Applejack laughed. “Heck, there’s more to me than all that. Don’t you worry your pretty head, when needs-musts I can be as sneaky as a fox in a dog show.”
Sunset munched happily on the delivered pizza along with her friends. She turned to Applejack. “What do you think of the place?”
Applejack stood at attention, staring off into nothing and grinning widely enough to hurt. “I think the FIVE of you will be right happy here, yes sir, you FIVE are gonna have a real nice home when all’s said and done, all FIVE of you, FIVE being the total number of people who will be living at this house, being a number definitely less than SIX, which I have no knowledge of there being, and it’s more than four so mathematically there will be FIVE people living here unless there are any additions down the road but until then the correct number is FIVE.”
“What’s with her?” Rainbow whispered.
The others shrugged. Sunset snapped one finger and wolfed down the rest of her pizza. “Shoot, I was gonna check out the basement with Torch. Later, guys.”
The basement seemed huge, sitting hollow and empty. An illusion – once they moved in all the weapons and workbenches it wouldn’t end up much bigger than the old.
Sunset poked at a tiny hatchway. An old coal chute, or something. “How much do you guys have in your basement?”
“We live above the shop.” Torch bent town to scratch at the unfurnished floor. “Gonna be a change of pace to actually drive to work. It’s pretty promising that there’s no water damage here… and honestly, all the problems upstairs just came from long-time neglect and some unlucky pipes. I wonder why the place never sold before now.”
Sunset slid open the lock on the hatch. Strange, that it looked a bit more recent than the rest of the door. As soon as she did, gravity swung it open.
Fetid and familiar odors hit her all at once, making her skin crawl and her breath release in an aggrieved sigh. The chute appeared to tunnel out into the dirt and mud beyond the house, and a crowd of horrid, baby-sized creatures recoiled from the sudden light.
Covered in mud, with long ears and wide mouth, the closest drew a tiny knife and leered. “Hello, child.”
“Dude, I’m twenty,” Sunset said.
“Smooth skin. Small white teeth for us.” The others began tittering behind the first, creeping up with knives and claws. “Come play with us, child, we have such games for–”
Sunset slammed the hatch. “Yo, Torch! We got Tommyknockers!”
“Are you serious?”
Torch barreled from across the room, slamming into the hatch just as a mess of bodies charged it from the other side. Sheer mass let them push it open a few inches and begin jumping to the floor, to be promptly stomped by Torch’s boots.
Sunset drew her pistol and emptied her clip into the opening. The hatch slammed shut, and Sunset flipped the lock.
“This did not come up when we toured it with the realtor,” Torch snarled.
Sunset pointed to the metal hinges. “Let’s fuse it.”
“No,” Torch growled. “No-no-no, they’ll get through the walls eventually. The basement is the one place in this stupid house that’s intact. I am not losing it, and I am not having baby-stealing gremlin neighbors. Especially now!”
“What do you mean ‘now?’” Sunset asked.
Rusty hinges creaked as something slammed the hatch from the other side. A battering ram.
Torch planted himself against the metal barrier. “Let’s fix this quick. Go get my shotgun and C-4 from the car. And don’t tell your mother! This is supposed to be her fun, build-the-dream-home kinda day, let’s just take care of it and move on.”
“Got it!” Sunset took off at a dash. She passed her startled friends, retrieved the gear from Torch’s car, and sped back past them with arms filled with guns and explosives.
“Sunset, can we help you with anything?” Rarity asked.
“Nah, don’t worry about it.” Sunset was already descending the stairs. “Save me a slice.”
A long workday. An expensive day, fueled by Luna – the only one of them with any kind of savings – and enough bank loans to put Celestia and Torch in the hole for years. But now there were painted rooms and replaced floors, letting them at least begin the process of moving in. Next weekend they’d look at the front steps and back porch, then the garage.
Added to the cost was twelve orders of not-inexpensive sushi, but it was the least Celestia could do for all who helped. After a pizza lunch, she couldn’t quite bring herself to default to burgers for dinner.
She watched pensively as Twilight fiddled with a dangerous-looking contraption, complete with blue lightning bouncing between metal knobs. The girl stared at the incomprehensible readings, then pushed her glasses up and smirked.
“No dark magic, no more Tommyknockers. And my seismographer showed we got all the tunnels… sorry about the yard, though.”
How much did landscapers charge to turn a yard from a mine-blasted hellscape into something reasonable? Celestia closed her eyes, willing the smile to remain. After all, unforeseen costs were a quite natural part of the process.
Torch, sweet Torch, had tried to hide it. As if the gunshots and explosions could have been written off as just another part of the move.
“Thank you, Twilight,” Celestia said. Rainbooms crouched on stairs or sprawled across the bare floors, eating in silence. Everyone was tired.
Still, Sunset gave a nervous grin. Enough to get Celestia’s attention even before the girl cleared her throat.
“You know what? This might be a blessing in disguise.” Sunset coughed a little and produced a gold circle set with a large blue gem. “Look what tumbled out in the basement when we blew the tunnels! Must be from one of their old victims. This should help with the bills, right?”
Celestia accepted the offered jewelry and turned it over in her hands, marveling at the craftsmanship. The proportions were odd, though – too large for a bracelet, too small for a crown. Certainly, very valuable.
She smiled, yet shook her head. “Sunset, this could be someone’s heirloom. We need to turn it over to the police.”
Sunset deflated visibly. It was of course lovely of her to want to help with the finances, but such was something a girl her age shouldn’t worry about. Besides, Celestia knew this was the right thing to do.
Luna held out her hand. “Hey, I gotta run to the pharmacy real quick before it closes. Give it here, I’ll stop at the police station on my way so you can go right home.”
“Thank you.” Celestia passed off the piece, letting a deep sigh pass her lips. Tired, but tired from a lot of good work. She settled her back to the wall and smiled, staring off into space and missing the broad wink that passed between Luna and Sunset.
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Goddammit.
Clever.
5k seems kinda low for a bracelet of gold and gemstones, but fair. Maybe Luna's keeping the rest for future "lucky days"
Ah trying not to lie is hilarious
As is Sunset being casual about a monster infestation
Torch trying to hide explosions and gunfire is adorable in a though biker kinda way
Hate to be that guy, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves. It's a magazine, not a clip. There are only a handful of autoloading handguns that use a clip in any part of their loading process. The only ones that come to mind are the Bergmann pistols, the Mauser C96 and its derivatives, and the Roth-Steyr. All three of those were among the first generation of autoloaders, and of the three, the only one to contain the clip inside the magazine is the Bergmann, which had a style of clip similar to the Mannlicher rifles, and in some ways the US M1 Garand, in how the clip would be ejected after the last round is fired.
As a general rule, if it loads a chamber, it's a magazine, and if it loads a magazine, it's a clip.
Again, hate to be that guy, but as much as I hear the word clip incorrectly used (mostly by boomers and poors, honestly), it makes me want to rip out chunks of my hair and gag the offending party.
Wait wait wait wait....Celestia's PREGNANT?! This is gonna be good.
10692308
The awkward size makes it useless as actual jewelry, and it was stolen from the royalty of a place that doesn't officially exist. I'm surprised she could find a buyer at all.
Applejack, oh- lovely Applejack.
10692313
The phrase is now a metaphor.
Just like the phrase water under the bridge doesn't literally mean water under a bridge.
Empty the clip means to expend all ammunition - even with a revolver...
I honestly felt a lurch in my gut from that one.
Called it that there was gonna be something lurking somewhere. But at least it ends in "bang-bang, boom-boom" and "ka-boom." Explosions are fun.
it was nice
Let's hear it for Big-Dick Friendship energy.
Seriously though, I bet Rarity (pony version) would give Sunset a sack full of precious gems if she just asked.
Unless they've got a decent AC system, black is a terrible room color unless you like baking to death during summer.
And I thought Pinkie was bad with secrets...
Applejack's shenanigans had me laughing harder than I have in quite awhile.
Thank you!
...Also, who wants to bet that, as a housewarming/babyshower gift, pony Twilight will come through the portal and ward the shit outta that sucker?
No magical monster is gonna lay a claw/tentacle/appendage on her adopted niece! That just leaves Celestia the mature job of acquiring several dozen gun vaults and child-safety gun locks (wonder if they make those for RPG launchers, she'll fret to herself...ahh, the worries of a new mother)
I like to see a bunch of Fairies move into the home, the helpful kind, ones that clean the place and safe guard it in exchange for a saucer of cream or a honey glazed cake or sweet of sorts
BUT NO CLOTHES! That a major rule breaker, it a insult to them and will drive them away or make them into a pranking Boggoles.
10692313
You hate to be the guy, then you go and be the guy. Nobody cares except you. Also, calling people "the poors"? Bad look. Maybe go straighten yourself out.
10692842
Yeah, I don't always think as I speak and find thr correct words are hard to find sometimes, and calling someone a poor is usually in jest. But to explain the slang of the parts I tend to lurk, calling someone poor is just that, they don't have as much money to spend on something like that. Calling someone a poor is different. They are the "just as good as" group who says Poverty Pony or Palmetto State build is "just as good as" a Colt or FN or a KAC. If you can't justify the $2.500 of a high end rifle, then the sub $1,000 Palmetto State or Ruger looks very appealing. My rifle is made by PSA, which is often called Poverty State in jest because I can't justify the $2,000+ price tag of the amazing stuff.
The differencd beterrn being poor and being a poor is recignizing that no, a rifle that costs a third the price is not "just as good asjeste more expensive one.
The term I should have used is Fudds, as they're the ones who misunderstand the very basic reason we have the rights we do.
Poor, poor Applejack. Five shall be the number of the residents, and the number of the residents shall be five!
In any case, lovely piece, as slice-of-lifey as this family can get. Though pony Twilight really needs to learn to say no to Sunset, or at least ask a few questions. Ah well, no harm done.
10692445
yeah but then they gotta worry about when the government comes knocking asking about how they paid off the whole loan at once without any discernible savings to funnel into it above what they had, with the combined salaries of a bike mechanic and two teachers. IRS will have its due, and that's a monster that even Harshwhinny is scared of.
10693331
They wouldn't have to cash the gems all at once. Investment! Layering!
10693370
Cue the Sunset crew looking up "How to launder money" on their phones in a broke-ass apartment filled with gems.
10693791
Which is why a certain sleazy lawyer needs to show up.
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Best part? Sunset can go back for more gems anytime in case of future bills. Got to keep momma happy!
On a side note, it's good to see the other girls still playing a part in the crews lives.
Really Sunset you couldn't have just gotten raw gems? I realize Princess Twilight will inevitably aquire peices of Jewelry she will never even see after the day she gets them but they might have enchantments and also any pawn shop willing to buy peices that you can't explain where you got them or what exactly they are is ganna rip you off. Not an issue if you just got a bag of small (by equestrian standards) gemstones and sold them.
Also please a house like that on the market for cheap in a world where you know supernatural monsters exist? Expecting it not not have some spirit, demon or monster in it is naive.
10711232
But being confident you can kill whatever chased the previous owners away is reasonable when you devote most of your free time to doing that sort of thing.
10712058
It's especially grevious for monster hunters to have not going though the house to "clean out" before coming to fix the place up :p
D'awwww! They're sweeties.
awwwwww thats so cute
The true value of a large friend group, plenty of hands to help with things like this that only need to be paid in pizza and soda.
As always..... so much daaaaaawwwwww and the family stuff and Ember being all adorably "in to cook for hugs... but totally won't fight if you insist...." also... future little sister for Sunset... YAY!
Almost feel sorry for those creatures that ended up with the worst new residents of their house possible. Almost....
And if course.... damnit AJ.... let's hope she never ends up with the gate of her farm resting on her winning a poker tourney.