The Bakery of Doom (monster-of-the-week)
It was a perfectly ordinary day in Canterlot, except for the medieval tower of black stone and parapets jutting into the stormy sky. Red lights glowed from its windows, and at its top a pink woman hovered above the roof. Her curly hair waved with unspent electricity, and her head reared back in manic laughter. A black amulet clasped around her neck, decorated with a red gem, wings, and a unicorn head with red eyes.
“SURRENDER TO ME, CANTERLOT! I HAVE YOUR YOUR HEROES, AND SOON I SHALL HAVE IT ALL! FOR NONE CAN STAND AGAINST ME, PINKIE PIE, AND MY BAKERY OF DOOM!”
Brown rain pelted Twilight Sparkle’s umbrella. She held a mug out as the monologue went on, then brought it in to take a sip. She set it on the sidewalk and began digging in her purse.
Spike sniffed at the mug, but Twilight nudged him with her foot. “Don’t. It’s chocolate, you’ll barf it all out.”
She pulled out her P.K.E. meter, smiling as unwired electricity began bouncing between its prongs. “Wow, even at this distance it’s a seven-point-five. Definitely magic involved, here.”
Spike hesitated, his nose still above the mug. “You… needed some gadget to tell you that?”
“It’s good to measure, Spike. Trixie’s stage magic looks real, should we just believe it?”
“It’s a ten-story fortress, Twilight.” Spike began tugging gently on his leash, towards the base of the structure. Strangely, the decorated exterior of Sugarcube Corner looked as normal as ever, none the worse for the added medieval tower on its roof. “Come on, it looks like they’re still open. I want my whipped cream cup.”
Twilight stumbled, trying to resist the leash’s pull, put away the device, and balance the umbrella with only two hands. “No! It might not be safe.”
“I see Mr. Cake at the counter.”
“No!” Twilight gripped the umbrella in the crook of her arm to pull out her phone. “I need to contact the girls.”
She shot off a text, then raised her phone to take pictures. Others did so as well, gossiping cheerfully about the shop’s new publicity stunt.
“That amulet is definitely the source...”
“Anything back from the others?” Spike asked.
“No,” Twilight sighed, lowering the phone.
“Um...” Spike hissed in, wincing as he spoke. “You heard what she said about heroes?”
“Yeah. I texted both the other Rainbooms and the hunters, too.” Twilight put away the phone and pulled out an antique-looking journal. “I’ll write my pony self with a description, maybe this amulet has some equivalent on her side.”
True, the two Twilights had only met once or twice. But on the last meeting the princess had gifted her twin a two-way magic journal, and secrets of the universe had been unlocked by the collaboration therein.
Not all the secrets, mind. Even the obvious question of the mirror-worlds evaded them. But it was no stretch to say human-Twilight knew more about Equestria than most Equestrians, and the same went for her twin.
Princess Twilight had her own job and responsibilities. It was a bit of a shock that her only response to Twilight’s query was a terse command to meet by the portal. She was there by the time Twilight arrived, and they ducked into the halls for a quick discussion.
The Alicorn Amulet. How in Celestia’s name Earth had one the princess had no idea, but it was the worst kind of news. Accessible to anyone, as empowering to magic as it was dampening to morality and good sense. If Pinkie had it, they needed to get it back. Now.
Alas, the chocolate rain was coming down harder than ever. Rather than trudge through it, Twilight called her brother for a ride.
“Hi, Shining! Can you drive me and my trans-dimensional clone to Surgarcube Corner to remove an apocalyptic eldritch relic possessing my friend so we can safely study it maybe twenty meters from where you sleep?”
Twilight hacked into the controls of a UFO secretly observing Earth and took the family on a joyride when she was twelve. Shining Armor’s life had only gotten stranger since then.
“Sure thing, Twily.”
“Oh, he sounds so supportive!” Princess Twilight gushed.
“He is!” Twilight squealed. “My B.B.B.F.F. I’m so happy he’s still living with me.”
“I wish mine was,” Princess Twilight said.
“Aren’t you a princess? Can’t you just make him?”
Princess Twilight opened her mouth, but lapsed into thoughtful silence until Shining Armor arrived in his car. The twins found themselves obligated to take the back seats – the passenger side was occupied.
“Hi, big brother!” Twilight said, her words almost glowing with cheer.
Her expression flattened immediately. “Hello, Starlight.”
The girl reclined next to Shining in her dumb hipster vest and beanie. “Yo.”
“Starlight Glimmer?” Princess Twilight asked curiously.
“Hi girls,” Shining Armor said as casually as he could given the cosmic revelation. “I’m taking Starlight to her book club right after I drop you off. Play nice.”
“I’m always nice,” Twilight grumbled, then leaned over to her clone. “Che Dipshit here broke half the windows in the Queen Chrysalis tobacco factory and tried to incite a mob to burn it down. They let her do parole with us and my parents are doormats who let her stick around. She’s also my cousin.”
The princess blinked. “Weird. My Starlight isn’t mine.”
“I bet she doesn’t freeload at your house, either.”
Princess Twilight fell into another thoughtful silence at that, and Shining Armor retreated to his mental happy place.
“I can hear you, Miss Always Nice” Starlight called.
Twilight adopted an overly sweet tone of voice. “So, what book club are you visiting? Another meeting devoted to a debunked economic system that routinely fails its one promise of economic security along with every other measure of a successful state, founded by a bourgeois German who was buried in a private cemetery that charges people to visit?”
“You know it, rich girl,” Starlight sneered.
“I don’t see you protesting when you’re hanging out in our pool, freeloader.”
“Weird weather we’re having,” Shining Armor said amicably.
“Relax, it’s only until my Paytreon takes off.”
Twilight held her nose. “It’s only until my Paytreon takes off.”
Starlight turned sideways in her seat to look back. “Listen, brat. Not everyone got everything handed to them from day one. You have no idea what it means to work for a living.”
“Woman, I cured space cancer in a 40-hour frenzy of science without food or sleep.”
“In the lab mommy and daddy bought for you.”
“I SAVED ELEVEN THOUSAND PEOPLE YOU IDIOT! I PERSONALLY got a call from the U.N. secretary general apologizing that he couldn’t reward me publicly because, quote him, ‘aliens don’t exist.’”
“Shining Armor?” the pony in human form said, smiling kindly to their driver. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle. I’m from an alternate universe where everyone is a pony. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too, Twily.”
Princess Twilight squealed silently.
Twilight shot her a glare. “You have your own.”
“And here we are!” Shining pulled into the bakery parking lot so Twilight wouldn’t have to walk far. “Just give me a call when you’re done, Twily.”
“Sure thing, B.B.B.F.F.” they said in stereo, climbing out of the car. “Bye-bye!”
Princess Twilight only glanced up at the dark tower, with lightning flashing around it. Honestly, her own castle was more intimidating. She pushed open the door to Sugarcube Corner, earning the merry chime of a bell. The place was empty save for Mr. Cake at the counter, grinning weakly as his eyes darted around.
“Welcome to… eh-heh… The Bakery of Doom.”
“What’s going on?” Twilight demanded. “We’re here to help.”
“Thank goodness.” The tweedy baker sat down hard.
Princess Twilight began. “How did Pinkie get the Alicorn Amulet? The black necklace?”
Mr. Cake put his head in his hands. “We catered for an archaeology convention last week. They were supposed to split the cost among themselves, but one said he was short and offered this necklace instead.”
“Who was it?” Princess Twilight asked. “That’s strange. Did they just never put it on?”
Mr. Cake shrugged. “I don’t know. He said his name was Discord.”
Both Twilights hissed in a breath.
“So… yeah.” The baker waved a hand to the ‘staff only’ door behind him. “Pinkie has all your friends captured at the top of her seven-layer Bakery of Doom. This fortunately counts as the first layer, but going up she said would be a strenuous test of physical fitness and dexterity, so only the mightiest heroes could reach her at the top.”
Twilight shifted uncomfortably. The princess gave a weak cough and looked away.
Twilight squinted. “Wait, if she kidnapped all the Rainbooms and hunters, why did she skip me?”
Mr. Cake shrugged again. “She said she went for all the heroes, and that you were more of a support character.”
Twilight glowered, causing him to go on frantically. “B-but do you think it might be Pinkie wanting to give you a chance? Maybe her goodness is trying to show itself, by making sure someone is around to stop her.”
“Physical fitness,” Princess Twilight sighed. She did a quick, preparatory stretch and something cracked painfully. “Twilight, do you have any other friends you can call? Any at all?”
Twilight shook her head. “Everyone either didn’t answer the text or would go la-la-magic-isn’t-real and run away. It’s that ‘veil effect’ I told you about.”
They equipped themselves, one with a roller and the princess with a frying pan. They opened the upstairs door to find a curving stone staircase, and began the long ascent.
On the second layer, they were greeted by a horde of animate pastries with mouths, legs, and angry eyes. They leaped for the Twilights, and were beaten down with stomping shoes and swung weapons.
The brief battle sent Princess Twilight to her knees panting, though she cast up a smile. “We… make a good team.”
“How are you even more out of shape than I am?” Twilight asked.
“Maybe because I’m not as used to the body?”
“Ooh, good point!”
They both produced pocket notebooks and jotted down a few tidbits.
“I did the math,” Twilight added. “We climbed at least five stories to get here. This tower is much bigger on the inside.”
Princess Twilight slowly got to her feet. “Five times seven layers… with five more battles interspersed? This is going to be rough.”
Twilight adjusted her glasses, letting the glare hide her eyes. “No. I arranged my schedule to avoid all possible physical education, I make up excuses for every Rainboom bike hike, and when my mom tells me to go outside I just hide in my lab for a few hours. I put a lot of effort into avoiding exercise, I’m not going to let some evil amulet force me into it.”
She pushed a button on her watch. A chrome-shined device folded out of her backpack, bracing her shoulders with a tube at its bottom.
Princess Twilight knew what it was. After all, she helped invent it. “You’re going to jetpack up the stairs?”
“No.”
Twilight raised a chrome, needle-nosed pistol above her head and pulled the trigger. A circle of blue energy shot out, blasting open the ceiling to the next floor.
She only had one jetpack, and gave an apologetic shrug. “Sorry Princess, I think you just need to wait. Maybe you can take the necklace when we’re done and store it along with the Alicorn Amulet from your world?”
“I see no way that can backfire.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
Twilight lifted off, up and away. Snakes made of licorice, giant chocolate bunnies, and gingerbread conscripts were all a bit less intimidating when handled with lightning guns and disintegration rays. She fought past the remaining floors easily before jetting through one more hole to the final chamber.
Pinkie was there – in a flowing pink dress, wearing a crown like spiraling ice cream. She floated above the others, all bound in gum or licorice.
Twilight landed at the smoking edge of her last hole. “You okay, Sunset?”
“Just riding this one out,” the bound Sunset confessed.
“I WOULD NEVER HURT MY FRIENDS, SILLY-BILLY,” Pinkie said with a volume uncomfortable at this close range, and a smile as wide as her face. “We’re gonna have SO MUCH fun together, and NOBODY’S going to stop us. We’ll have a party big enough to cover the entire city! No, the entire world! No, the entire solar system! No, the entire galaxy! No, the entire–”
Twilight calmly sent her energy pistol to ‘stun’ and aimed.
Pinkie struck first, extending both hands to fire an impossible spray of candy, absorbing the shot and quickly burying Twilight up to her neck.
“Where was I? Right: No, the entire universe! No, the universe and all parallel universes!”
Pinkie gasped, and her eyes lit up. “We could bring the party to Equestria! Sure, all your pony clones would try to stop me, but once my PARTY OF DOOM engulfs their world they won’t want to leave! Which is great, because they won’t be able to!”
A loud and dramatic voice came from the stairs. “Sorry, Pinkie. One of you in Equestria is enough for us!”
Princess Twilight strode gallantly into sight, hair billowing in the nonexistent wind.
She fell to her knees, panting. Her hair was not billowing, but locked in place by a mess of syrup, gum, and other sticky candies.
She held up a finger, heaving in breaths.
“Thirty-five stories… through the blasted candy genocide Twilight left behind...”
“I told you to stay back,” Twilight said.
“I’m never gonna… stay back… when my friends are… in… danger…”
Princess Twilight collapsed to the floor. “Give me a minute.”
Pinkie waited patiently for that minute and two more before Princess Twilight got to her feet. “Alright. Thank you.”
She twirled and posed, pointing dramatically at Pinkie Pie. “Let’s play a game!”
The human Twilight blinked in confusion. Pinkie squealed with delight. “I love games! What are we playing? Super Smash Pillars? Pin the tail on the pony? Arkham Horror? Spin the bottle? Baseball?”
“Truth or dare!” Princess Twilight announced. “And I call first go.”
Pinkie bounced excitedly in the air. “Ooh-ooh, yes, truth or dare, great idea! Go-go, who are you choosing first?”
“Pinkie Pie!” Princess Twilight declared. Pinkie grinned and literally bounced with anticipation. “Truth, or dare?”
“Dare! Dare, dare, dare! Dare me!”
“Take off the amulet and toss it to the ground.”
Pinkie did so.
Then blinked.
“Oh,” she said. Then she fainted and fell, but luckily there was a literal bed of taffy beneath her.
Princess Twilight picked up a serving spoon and began digging out her twin. “Do you have some kind of evidence bag or specimen container on you for the amulet? I didn’t appear with any.”
Twilight bobbed her head. “Yeah. Good save, Princess. How’d you know she would bite?”
“Dimensional Paradox number three-thousand eighty-two, I suppose.” Princess Twilight took her twin’s exposed hand and hauled her upright. “Unique among absolutely everything else, our Pinkie Pies are a near-perfect match. And I know Pinkie Pie.”
Twilight stood, a thoughtful expression on her face. She reached into a labcoat pocket filled with Skittles and fished out her notebook. “Huh. Could she be the theorized Fixed Point – the one constant across all universes?”
She began writing, her look of wonder replaced by manic glee. “Oh! Or maybe all Pinkies are the same being! This requires study, experimentation...”
Smoothly, Princess Twilight plucked the notebook from her grasp. She handed off the spoon, and motioned for Twilight to begin digging out the others.
The princess laid a hand on her twin’s shoulder. Her expression was serious, her voice calm. “Much data could be learned by touching the sun. The wise pony, regardless, does not try.”
She turned, produced her frying pan, and began trying to pry the gum-bound Fluttershy from the wall.
Well, this was even more curveball than my norm. 
With credit to:
theillustriousq for suggesting Pinkie as the Queen of Sweets!
megarockman and scolop98 for requesting Starlight's story!
FanOfMostEverything for wanting Twilight paradox shenanigans!
Y'all know where the submission thread is and I'm tired, goodnight all!
Stats
Page generated in 0.041 seconds
Total duration
798 users online
1,178,343 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I can't wait until Starlight gets her hands on one of Starswirl the neglectful's magic artifacts of doom that he carelessly threw into another dimension.
Mostly because it insists on wearing her face, with the rest coming from the sentience implied by that. Still beat the cliché in front of her by what Applejack would call a country mile.
question about the series. I thought that the portal was only open sometimes which is why Celestia and Luna could not return to fight the werewolf in Sunset fights Undead. Is that wrong or did that change?
To be fair the Soviet Union is not true communism, nor is it failed communism. Stalin didn't believe in communism so he simply made state controlled capitalism and called it communism. Communism as a philosophy does not have a state. but independent communities. So Kipputism in Israel are what communist systems actually are like.
I say all this but Kipputism that are communist have been bleeding members for generations and there are few left, so Sci-Twi is making a good point on the failure of communism, its just that she is using the term "state" when there is no such thing as a communist state.
I'm guessing Wallflower is sleeping in the dorm then
This is even more funny considering what lengths Sci-Twi goes to avoid exercise.
Also, we need more Starlight.
This was the most weird and ridiculous chapter you've written, then again, it is Pinkie centered.
Immediately suspicious, no archaeologist would sell even a fingerbone, or a piece of dirt, and they hate with a passion those that sell artifacts.
The interdimensional fixed point theorem is a standard result in eldritch topology.
Dude's a trooper.
So much anger, so much petiness. They're so having hate sex and becoming a couple later, ain't them?
Sooo...I found myself much more invested than normal with this chapter (which is saying something, 'cause I love your chapters to begin with), when Spike made an appearance (the first in a long while). But then...I don't know what happened to him? He just....disappeared from the story? Did he ride in the car with Shining? He didn't take part in the conversation? Does Twilight regularly take him for walks? Does he really need to be on a leash?
Heh, and no, Princess Twilight, you can't order your brother to live with you...at least, not without making a under-table deal with Cadence first. 😉
10713889
I hope she and Twilight make up and become best friends soon. Maybe get in on Sunset and co.'s adventures.
10714075
Or just have her mauled to death by a werewolf and get her out of the story all together! I like that idea.
10714113
Are you not a Starlight fan?
We here at the Church of the Divine Bacon Horse appreciate your acknowledgement of the multiversal constant that is Pinkie Pie.
Just about to start in on this series, when something occurred to me. If you've already done it, kudos. If not, you might want to look at this idea:
What if they recruited Tempest Shadow for their team? She's got the take-no-prisoners badass attitude, and is familiar with magic and its dark side. She's worked for real monsters in the past, so the darker side of life in Canterlot won't make her blink. Plus, taking her out of a world where her magic is at best totally unreliable and putting her in a world where she's on an equal footing with everyone else might be just what she needs to find herself.
Not to mention that it would be totally fitting if the Portal misfired with her raw, uncontrollable magic, and wound up leaving her amplified beyond human norms. Yes, I'm deliberately channeling Buffy the Vampire Slayer here. Let's give Tempest some love for a change. Heaven knows, she's earned it.
*Sheds a tear* I'm so proud of you, Twi.
Human Starlight as a pretentious, leeching hipster is absolutely perfect to both align and contradict pony Starlight with her previous, let's not beat around the bush, outright totalitarian communistic regime.
Nice. I just figured she tried to make a fission reactor in the backyard. (She's still not allowed to use any atoms heavier than bismuth.)
I do love the human Twilight/Starlight dynamic. It's a great echo of the ponies and enjoyable in its own right. And no, Princess Twilight, you can't start a multiversal collection of your big brother.
Darn it, now I want to see the rest of Twilight's Friendship Games team tackle this towering torte of terror.
This is why you want more than one personality in your team. Though I do appreciate the dungeon bypass and H-Twilight's commitment to labor-saving devices.
Magnificent stuff, especially H-Twi getting dangerously close to what may be the truth of the Queen in Pink. Thank you for this.
10714127
*unloads an entire AK-47 magazine into a barrel with a picture of Starlight on it*
You could say that
*reloads and empties another magazine*
10714146
Tempest as Faith, I can dig it.
10713896
Sunset really wanted to give her adoptive moms an actual vacation in Equestria (as in "Really, don't worry about anything going on Earthside, just relax"), and felt that a werewolf was small enough for her own college team to handle. It took Moon Nazis for Sunset and company to say "OK yeah, we need Celestia" and by then it was the last day of their vacation anyway.
And did Pinkie get gum in Raritys hair? And if so, will Pinkie survive her wrath?
10713896
10714564
If it makes anyone feel better we can say this chapter just-so happened to fall during a time when it's open. Or that Princess Twilight figured out how to go through whenever.
I'm gonna be real honest here and say the show itself plays fast and loose with portals when the plot demands, and I feel perfectly liberated to do the same.
10714027
I very, very much admit that I'm not much for writing Spike.
nice work.
Okay I find this line utterly delightful. Clearly Princess Twilight has learned to leave matters related to the nature of Pinkie Pie well enough alone.
10713896
Since Rainbow Rocks, Princess Twilight modified the portal so instead of being open for a short period every thirty moons I believe people/ponies can come and go through it whenever they please. She did this using one of the journals Princess Celestia and Sunset used to send messages between each other before Sunset fled into the human world. This coincides well with the movies/show canon since Hunts the Undead starts just after Friendship Games.
Pinkie's gonna pinkie.
10716912
There was literally a season 1 episode devoted to teaching her that.
Absolutely brilliant!
10714026
No, no, clearly Starlight needs to hit it off the the SunDagiJack blob. Just imagine how infuriated Twilight will be when her freeloading cousin is hanging out with them now because she's dating THREE of her best friends while having the gall to lecture TWILIGHT about being rich
10718126
I came here to comment on this.
I mean I watched that episode 10 years ago, it's genuine nostalgia now!!
10726246
Nah, Starlight's too much of a first world commie to be able to be with a monster turned slightly good, a immortal pony uncrowned princess from another world and a farmer working hard to achieve monetary success. She'd either kill them or be killed in about two and a half days.
You have glimpsed the truth of reality. That which we call The Pink One is merely the form our minds give to the fragment of the consciousness of the True Great Pink One, Yog'Pinkoth, that doth protrude into all realities, observing all from beyond the walls of reality, laying in the great space where in The Eternal Party continues unending.
Ia! Ia! Pink'thulu part'gon!
Let's be honest here.... Pinkie using the Alicorn Amulet is nerfing her. So the Twis should be glad of that.
Also, love how little her family reacts to any of this by now. And hey, Pony!Twi had the excuse of being used to having Earth Pony magic and strength to help make up for her poor stamina!