I'm DarkAura. My favorite pony's Applejack. My three favorite shows are Case Closed, My Little Pony, and Pokemon (Well not the show anymore for Pokemon, but I love the games)
During an ordinary day, Sweetie Belle realizes what her special talent is and promptly gets her Cutie Mark. Applebloom and Scootaloo, however, still don't know their special talents, and the dispute disbands the Cutie Mark Crusaders... right when the worst is yet to come...
This is only my second story, so, um, review please?
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No "firsts" for any of you.
Anyway, for anyone who wants to comment on this, please don't flame me if this is bad. This is only my second story. I would like some constructive criticism though.
I love this, the title it awsome and with a chapter to match, cant wait till the next one
pretty good
A story that doesn't have Scootaloo as an orphan? Color me surprised.
The title made me wary (quotes for titles always do), but the description made me interested enough to read it. The first chapter itself was enough to dispel any doubts I had. I couldn't spot any obvious grammatical errors (although "Angrish" made me think for a second), and the story itself has potential. I look forward to seeing how this plays out.
All right, I'll be the one to give you an honest review. Hope your body paragraphs can take it, because I won't be gentle. However, because you said "this is my xth fic" without appending "so please be nice," and because your description proper is free of glaring errors, and because this is a fic about the CMC instead of a unicorn named Moonshine Cullen-Granger or a black and red alicorn named Evildark Fireassassin Ravenpenis, I'm already feeling optimistic.
>(she is in kindergarten, after all)
Purge this kind of nonsense with the fury of the Empress. First and foremost, it's a tense derp: You say this in present tense whereas everything, including stuff like this, should be in past tense. Second, it's not an effective use of parentheses. I'm not a very good grammarian, so I can't put quite my hoof on the issue, but I would've used a semicolon or something. Finally, the "after all" makes this an example of "narrator voice" which is usually bad. Suddenly, in this little phrase, the narrator of the story becomes a character with feelings and opinions who is talking to us, the readers. This is distracting and it comes off as amateurish if it's not intentional. If the fic is to have a humorous tone, or if the narrator is unreliable, or if there actually IS a character telling the story as the narrator, then it's fine--otherwise, don't do it.
I could quibble at you all day about little hiccups in your grammar that are conversational and technically incorrect, like "Do you know how..." but I don't really want to pick over what you've got and point out every single one. Try it yourself, I think. Try to catch where you (or Rarity, because she would never talk that way) say things a lazy and not-actually-correct way.
I feel like generally characters know exactly how and when they get their cutie marks. Sweetie Belle probably would've known it was from singing as soon as she noticed it, whenever that was.
That little flashback scene is all kinds of bad. Apart from the writing itself being dry and painfully devoid of show-don't-tell, Sweetie Belle could've just retold the story in a couple of sentences. Also, italicizing the whole thing is just a terrible idea. Either make it better so that it's worthy of a scene break (do this by sticking [hr ] into your text) or--as I suggest--slash it completely and have Sweetie just say it.
Rarity would never straight-up tell Sweetie that her talent is singing. Rainbow Dash is foolish enough to try that kind of thing, but not the others. If anything, Sweetie Belle's cutie mark experience is cheapened by the fact that she was guided so strongly towards it.
>deflatedly
Here's an example of why people sometimes consider adverbs to be "show-don't-tell" violations. You say "deflatedly" but don't tell us how we can tell she's deflated. This isn't the WORST example, but you do it a few times, so now's a good time to learn how to watch out for it. The definition of "show don't tell" is to avoid using words like "happily" or "ugly" or whatever to just "flag" things as being a certain way rather than telling us why things are that way.
>holy crap Scootaloo's speech affect what the hell
Where did you even get that idea from? Her diction in show-canon is just fine.
I've got a lot more, but for now I'll spare you. If you want a complete comb-through, turn this into a Google Doc with comments enabled and I'll full-on let you have it. One benefit of this is that I'll be able to nitpick at every small derp.
I respect some of what you've written here and I encourage you to move forward with this idea. Write it, and let your love for the idea come out in the writing. It's all a learning experience--write everything you write with the intent of improving yourself every time.
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I already know that my writing skills are... unsatisfactory, to say the least, but I really want to improve, so I'll take all the criticism you can give as seriously as possible. I'll do my very best to fix whatever you find wrong.
All right, two last things.
One: You have a slavish devotion to accepted fanon--that deserves fixing as well. Scootaloo is homeless? That's distracting if it's not a very major focus. Also, it's not totally logical--I won't be the first or the last to say that surely SOMEone is taking care of her. You should try to mature past just following what has been said for you. Use whatever you want, but don't just use it out of a sense of obligation. In the stuff I'm writing now, Scootaloo has a single mom and Cloudchaser is adopted. Nobody needed to tell me these things; I'm doing it that way because it works.
Two: You switch points of view from Applebloom to Sweetie Belle. A story like this should pick a point of view and stick with it. Tell the story as Applebloom sees it, and tell us things as she sees them. If you want to switch which character the "camera" follows, make it a scene break.
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If you want the full treatment, give me a google doc and make it so anyone with the link can comment on it.
Then, after that, take it to Ponychan and drop it off in a review thread. You should probably um write a little more than this before you go and do that, but it's great that you want to improve.
1132827
For One: Yeah, I am trying to change stuff because I feel obligated to, because I want to. I want to make something that people can enjoy, not what I want to write. You said it yourself: "Use what you want", and I want to change stuff for others, unless it's something that I really and definitely want to stick with.
For Two: To be honest, I like stories with different point of views. It shows how more than one of the characters feel and act. Of course, stories where it's first person shouldn't really have a different point of views unless it's done really well (Like Rick Riordan, and even then, it's to an extent).
1132928
Uncompromising devotion to fanon may seem to you like a way of pandering to your readers, but unfortunately it is more likely to become a crutch. Scootaloo is an orphan because that's just how it is, but what ifyour story would be BETTER without that aspect? I'm not necessarily saying that's true with this thing, though it probably is.
While there's nothing wrong with a story that's "situation happens in fanon-shaped Equestria," there comes a point where you have no good reason to use fanon, and therefore shouldn't. You risk keeping yourself from growing as a writer by having the wrong goals in mind.
Would you rather write My Little Dashie, or Simply Rarity? I know what the answer is for me.