Am I a Coward???

by Silent Wing

Am I a Coward??

You are sitting at the edge of Ghastly Gorge, slowly plugging every feather from your wing. This time is different. This time you will do it. This time you won’t chicken out at the last moment. This time, you will jump and nothing will stop you. This time the result is fix and even if you change your mind midfall again, your death is sure. After all, how will you change your fall to a safe glide to the ground, when your wings aren’t able to carry you?

You slowly continue your work, making sure that not a single feather is left and once again think back, about why you are here. Thinking, about what made you decide to end your life.

It all started years ago with the constant bullying. At first you could take it, you could endure it. Would it have been the only thing, you are sure, that you wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Sadly, it wasn’t.

Your grades begun to suffer and the more the bullying continued, the worse they got. Your parents noticed this of course and they were upset about it, just like you expected it. They didn’t care about the why, they didn’t try to help. They just told you, that you can do better.

It didn’t help. Instead your grades got worse and they compared you to your siblings. How much of a disappointment you are, compared to them and it hurt to hear this. It just hurt so much. When this didn’t stop and just got worse, you thought for the first the first time, about what you are to do in a few minutes.

However, you didn’t do this. You chickened out at the very last moment. You don’t know why, but you just couldn’t take that last final step and instead you just went home. From there on it was different.

Around others you pretend that everything is fine, you made them believe that you are happy, but when you were alone everything was different. When you where alone, you didn’t wear the mask, instead you let go off your true emotions. While the others slept peacefully, you spent your nights crying, asking yourself why life just had to be so bad. Why your life had to be filled with pain and misery and again, it only got worse.

While the pain grew in you, you began to lose interest in so many things and you started to distance yourself from others. One after one, you stopped to do all sports, not caring if it was something you were good in or not. You always found an excuse, for why you didn’t or wanted to continue with it.

They did accept it nontheless, but they weren’t happy about it. Often, they reminded you that you are nothing like them, that you are nothing like anypony of your family. They wondered how you could be related to them, because you are so different compared to them. Again, this brought you much pain. If they know about this or if they just didn’t care is something you don’t know. And maybe it is better, that you don’t want this question to be answered.

Even if your situation at home continued to get worse, there was something that gave you hope, that maybe your life isn’t just only pain and misery. That maybe there is more to life. There was this one filly, you had a crush on for a long time and she began to return your feelings. At least, this is what you thought.

You began to spend more and more time together, having fun and doing all sorts of things. For the first time in a long time, you began to thing, that maybe it is finally going to get better, that maybe you do have a chance of a happy life. You truly were happy then for a short time and everything got better for a while, but like all good things, this had come to an end.

That filly betrayed you, she played with you and at the first chance she got, she dumped you for a different pony. Some pony, she thought to be better than you. From one day to the other it was over and you didn’t take it well.

You waited for her, believing, that this wouldn’t last long and she would come back for you. You really thought that she cared for you and you hoped that she would come back to you, bagging for your forgiveness about her foolish actions. But this never happened.

Instead, a different filly came to you, when you didn’t bother to hide, just how much she had hurt you with this. It started good and you became friends really fast, but it ended as fast as it begun, when somepony else caught the attention of this filly. Instantly she got rid of you, just like you got rid of a used tissue.

From there it started to get worse again. You thought about why this happened to you and just why you always ended up in pain and you came to one conclusion. If others are only out to see you hurt, why give them the chance to hurt you in the first place? After all, others can’t hurt you, when you don’t let them come close to you.

You began to distance yourself from others. You became silent. You stopped talking with others, often only saying something, when it was directed at you, until you stopped to respond to even those. And Ponies soon stopped bothering you, knowing, that talking to you was nothing more then a waste of time.

You had achieved your goal, you were alone and others couldn’t hurt you anymore, but there was one thing you didn’t think of. One thing you underestimated dramatically. You weren’t just alone, you were lonely and this was even worse. It began to pull you down, making your situation only worse, only inflicting more pain on you.

This is what brought you hear. The pain inflicted by others. The realization that you can’t do anything right, knowing that you are nothing other then a failure and the unbearable loneliness.

By now, you would give anything to be hold just once more, by somepony that truly cared about you. You know, that you would give everything for the feeling to more then just a failure, more than a disappointment. But you also know that this will never happen.

You plug the last feather out of your wing, dropping it on a pile directly next to you, before you get up. You take a look down into the gorge, like you did so many times ago, making sure that it is deep enough. Sure, that you wouldn’t survive this jump, you take a few steps back, thinking that it would be easier with a running start, but it isn’t

You don’t know why, but something is holding your back. You want to run, you want to jump, but you can’t. Something is stopping you, but you don’t know what. Unable to move even an inch, you let yourself drop to the ground, wondering, what could be stopping you from taking does last final steps.

You just sit there, starring at the night sky, waiting for anything to happen. And something happens. With a soft thumb, a Pegasus lands behind you. Curious, about who it is you turn around, looking directly into the eyes of a very familiar pony.

You turn back, looking at the starts and wait till the pony sits down next to you. For a while, nothing is said, but you know that you have to say something and there is this one question, that is plaguing your mind now for a very long time. “Am I a coward, mommy?”

The mare next to you lets out a long breath, before she answers your question. “If you would be a coward darling, you would have jumped a long time ago.”

Instantly you throw yourself at her, knowing that she is right. You burry your muzzle in her chest fluff, before you begin to cry, the very moment you feel her forelegs at your back, pulling you into a tight embrace. You let it all out, all the pain, all the sorrow, holding nothing back, knowing that it will be different this time.

After all, if she wouldn’t care about you, she would never have searched for you.

Author's Note:

I don't know if this is the correct answer to this question, but I would like it to be

Comments

[Who you think I am]

You alright?

[Silent Wing]

10122707

It's okay at the moment, even if it isn't easy for me, it never was.

[Who you think I am]

10122708
Keep fighting you'll get through this. I know I might be some random guy but if you ever need to talk hit me up.

[Isseus]

You could really use some help with proofreading and editing.

[OneAmongOthers]

10122936
If you actually read what later written this story was probably written by a child. Seems more like a call for help than an actual story. Perhaps you author should seek that.

[Silent Wing]

10123404
10122936

I admit that this one lacks the quality, I try to hold up by now.
It was written in a rush and when I didn't feel very well. I try to give it a once over at the WE, but for now I want to focus on my main prohect again.

Me, a child? It certanly would be nice, if this would be the truth.

[Isseus]

10123433
I know the feeling. Sometimes I want to write something quickly just to get it out there without thinking too much about editing and such. Inspiration takes us all sometimes, right? And sometimes putting heavy thoughts into writing can help a lot with dealing them. I've done it a few times as well, even as part of psychotherapy that I went to a few years back... though I'm not brave enough to publish stuff like those to other people.

[Silent Wing]

10124158

Yeah, I thought about it for a long time and I just had to publish it. At least it helped me and I am actually feeling better now. So it fullfilled the main purpose.

[Silent Wing]

10198793
Thanks for your honest comment and the good advice.

I give my best and try to improve with my next few Chapters on Crushed (should still edit the first few Chapters) and the second story I am preparing.

And don't worry I am feeling great at the moment.

[rikithemonk]

Stories like this one attract us, because we all feel this way. We are all trapped in the same world, surrounded by the same kind of people, who all treat others the same hideous way. And we wonder, Why am I different? Why am I surrounded by monsters.

One of my favorite kind of stories here are very rare. Almost no one writes them, but those that do, come up with some interesting tales. Its the "Floor Bored" stories, like Floored By Kind Of Brony and Reasons To Live By Nosfrat. Floor Bored is very much "US". or at least many of us here on Fim. Like "Anon" no one owns the rites to her, so anyone can write her stories.

You know, I just sat here trying to think about what Im trying to say.

I guess, it boils down to, "Isn't it odd how we all live in a world so alien to who we are as a people, that a great number of us feel like we don't belong in it? I think that says so much about our world. After all, its not just the US, because the Europeans have the same experiences. And its not just the west, because the Japanese go through the same things too. They even have a word for people who feel outcast.

Hum......, Perhaps its not our culture, perhaps its who we are as a people in our very souls?

I think thats why we are so attracted to FIM and Equestria. Its the world that we wished we really lived in.

The Monk
“Come into my parlor, Ted. I have cookies!” -Reykan

[Silent Wing]

10475059

Hum......, Perhaps its not our culture, perhaps its who we are as a people in our very souls?

I think thats why we are so attracted to FIM and Equestria. Its the world that we wished we really lived in.

Probably one of the reasons why I am here and why I am so much into HiE stories.

[Pete100]

I was hoping one of the main 6 or one of the princesses, but I guess his mother is ok.

[Silent Wing]

10575828
Sorry, not with me.

I think there are already enough stories with the main six, so I only plan to include tem as little as possible.

[Pete100]

10575843
Ohh. I guess that makes sense.