Chapter 99 (Dungeons and Discords)
“Okay, one more time,” Rumble said. “Why are we in your room?”
“Because I’m bringing you guys to see Discord,” I replied as I wrote my letter to Discord.
“And what’s with the O&O Manuel and rough sketches of our character sheets?” Button Mash asked, pointing at the book and pieces of paper on my bed.
“We’re going to convince Discord to join our next O&O session.” I gathered up the items. “Maybe even get him to host his own campaign.”
“Why Discord of all creatures?”
“I’ll be honest with you. Even with all the adventures we’ve done, you can’t deny its staleness is forming. Discord being…Discord, I figured we could use a bit of uncertainty.”
Rumble pointed out, “Now that you mentioned it, it does get boring to do all those sneak attacks when you can predict where the enemies will go for the next five turns.”
“So let me see if I got this right,” Button said. “We, two colts and a baby dragon, are going to persuade an immortal being, known for destruction and chaos, to play a board game with us. Is that correct?”
“Silly as it sounds, yes.” I used my fire breath to send the letter. “Oh, and one more thing. If we get transported to Discord’s home, do yourself a favor and don’t question anything there for the sake of your sanity.”
“So it’s like with Miss Pinkie. Got it,” said Rumble.
“Uh, guys?” Button Mash asked. “Why are you both blue all of sudden?”
Rumble and I turned to Button, who was instantly encased in a blue column.
“Button, we’re not blue,” Rumble replied. “You are.”
“Wha—?”
Zap!
Button soon vanished into thin air. Then, Rumble and I had a blue column beaming down on us. In an instant, shapes and colors changed before my eyes. After seconds of such madness, I appeared with Rumble and Button Mash again, who had nothing but puzzled looks on their faces.
“That was unexpected!” Button Mash called out.
It didn’t take long to realize we were on the ceiling, as gravity took over and sent us crashing down onto a keyboard-styled sofa. Said sofa rung a note for each of us landing.
“So was that…”
“Well, well, well,” Discord entered from his kitchen. “I understood you wishing to see me, Spike, but I did not think you would be bringing two colts with you to this visit. I take it they are not just here for an autograph?” Discord spawned a couple of notebooks and pencils.
“Discord has fans?” Rumble whispered.
“Rumble!” Button hissed. “No questioning! Remember?”
“Right! Right! Sorry.”
I cleared my throat and stood up from the couch. “Discord, we asked to be here because we’d like to invite you to our upcoming Guys’ Night.”
Discord slithered up to me. “And why should I accept?”
“Because Twilight told me that she and the rest of the Mane 6 are taking a trip to Yakyakistan, and I knew you’d feel alone without Fluttershy. Plus, a new character could freshen up our game.”
“Why not ask your canine counterpart to join you? Er…what is his name? Bike…Sike…Mike?”
“Tyke? I asked him a few days ago, but he wasn’t interested.”
“Hmph. What a waste. Very well, seeing how I may not have anything to do when Fluttershy leaves, I will join your little colt band. So what is this game of yours?”
“Ogres & Oubliettes. An action-packed tabletop game.”
Discord squeezed his eyes shut. “I knew I should have asked before accepting.”
“Now, now, Discord. It may seem like a geeky game on the surface, but it gets more fun the more you play it.”
Discord walked away. I looked at Rumble and Button Mash and nodded. They raised their eyebrows in realization.
“This game might be…something you’ll like,” Rumble said. “You get to make any choice you want here.”
Discord halted in his tracks.
“Basically, it’s a ‘do whatever you want’ kind of game,” Button added. “Like that post-apocalyptic Las Pegasus game.”
Post-apocalyptic Las Pegasus? Is that a reference to New Vegas? Wow, so Fallout Equestria is canon after all.
“And I figured that you could run the campaign,” I said. “You can even add your own twist to the game, provided you abide by the basic game mechanics.”
“Hmm.” Discord steepled his fingers. “This game does play to my interests. I suppose I can see how this goes.”
“Great!” I pulled out the O&O manual. “This will tell you all there is to know about the game and how to make your character. We could use an archer, but you can pick whatever class you like. I provided copies of our character sheets so you can get an understanding on how to design yours.”
Discord poofed up some half-moon eyeglasses. “I have been meaning to catch up on my reading skills.”
“Hope to see you for our game. I provided the date and time in the book. Oh, and could you return us to Equestria, please?”
With a snap of Discord’s fingers, a long metal bar appeared above the colts and my heads and plopped down on our laps.
“Please remain seated, and keep arms, legs, and hooves inside the sofa at all times,” Discord announced through a loudspeaker. “Enjoy the ride.”
The floor opened up beneath us, and then…
ZOOOOMMM!!
“AYIEEEE!!!”
We plummeted down to the great beyond. I couldn’t tell if the high-pitched screech was the wind blowing past my ears or the two colts shrieking their lungs out. The couch took so many twists, turns, and loops, I forgot which end was up.
Eventually the cart slowed to a halt as a bright light encased the three of us. When my vision regained, I was introduced to the view of normal playground equipment. I checked my seat only to find out what was once piano keys was now a plastic seat on a swing set. Rumble and Button Mash sat next to me sharing the same dizzy faces as I possessed.
Button adjusted his hat. “Spike, I know you said not to question anything, but did all that stuff with Discord really happen, or did we just drink expired apple juice and have a bad dream?”
“It was the former,” I replied. “Believe me, you’ll get used to it…eventually.”
That’s when a small piece of paper printed out from the bars above, and floated down to Rumble’s hooves.
“At least we got a photo of our ride,” Rumble said. “Aw, man! I had my eyes closed!”
I looked up at the sky. I didn’t know what Discord had in mind for O&O, but I hoped deeply that I wouldn’t regret it.
I was in Twilight’s bedroom, watching her pack up for Yakyakistan.
“Fluttershy told me you’ve invited Discord for your game tonight,” Twilight said. “Sounds like you guys will be in for quite a ride.”
“Well, Rumble, Button Mash, and I already had one the last time we met him,” I replied, “but I get what you’re saying.”
“It’s really kind of you to let him join your activities. He may be a mixed bag, but even he needs friends.”
After Twilight donned her winter outfit, she took her saddlebags, and we ventured to the train station. The rest of the girls, Big Mac, Rumble, and Button Mash were already there.
Applejack double-checked her supplies, “Uh, anything I forgot, Pinkie Pie? You're our resident Yakyakistan expert.”
“Nope! I brought yeti food!” Pinkie Pie declared. “My Pinkie Sense told me we’re going to encounter one on our way there.”
“If he messes with us, I'll turn that yeti into confetti!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed.
The train arrived at the station. We shared our goodbyes to the girls as they boarded the train.
“Don't y'all have too much fun without us,” Applejack said.
“No promises,” I replied.
We waved to the girls as the train departed from the station. Once the caboose disappeared from the horizon, the four of us guys were still on the platform. I looked around, but any sign of Discord never made its presence.
“What are you looking for?” Button Mash asked.
“I thought Discord would be here somewhere.” I scratched the back of my head. “Anyway, let’s get ready for tonight! Who wants to be in charge of snacks?”
Both Rumble and Button Mash raised their hooves.
“Not again, Button,” Rumble groaned when he noticed. “You’ve been the snack pony for the past three weeks.”
“Hey, I always provide the best snacks,” Button defended.
“For your taste maybe. I’m getting sick and tired of apple juice.”
“Hey,” Big Mac said sternly.
“Guys, guys, guys,” I got between everypony. “Leave the disharmony to Discord. This is his first night with us, so we shouldn’t pick today of all days to verbally fight.”
Rumble sighed sharply. “Right, sorry.”
“Both of you can provide snacks, and it won’t hurt to have a bit of variety now and then.”
When sundown arrived, Big Mac, Rumble, and Button Mash entered the castle and met with me in the foyer. Rumble brought bags of chips while Button Mash brought a juice box pack.
“They're a variety pack this time,” Button said.
“Say, where’s Discord?” Rumble asked. “Shouldn’t he be here by now?”
Before I could respond, the front doors slammed shut, and the castle plunged into darkness.
“Welcome, young mortals!” A booming voice rang across the room. “Follow the torches to your quest!”
Behind us, dancing torches and a flashlight emerged from the ground.
“I’ve a feeling he’s here now,” I said.
We followed the prancing lights up to the map room. I opened the double doors and saw Discord sitting on one of the thrones with the O&O set spread out over the table. The room retained its original lighting.
“Ah, so you all finally arrived,” said Discord. “I do hope you liked my short theatrics.”
“It was certainly interesting,” I replied as we all sat down. “So, did you come up with a campaign?”
“Indeed I did.” Discord pulled out a small picture of a poorly-drawn stallion. “King Crouton of the Salad Kingdom yearns for more power, and it is not until he is granted that power from the infamous Eris Amulet. Now the kingdom has plunged into wonderful…er, I mean terrible chaos, and it is up to everyone to save it.”
“Ooh, a new kingdom!” Rumble clapped his hooves. “I wonder if it neighbors Dragondor.”
Dragondor was the name of our main kingdom.
“And were you able to make a player character for yourself, Mr. Discord?” Button Mash asked.
Discord placed another drawing on the board. This one was Discord himself, but with green leather armor, a bow and quiver, and long blond hair.
“I read through the book and your character sheets and found that a chaos-neutral archer with some experience in magic was the best option.”
He went for the same player character as in the show? Weird, since Spike created the character last time.
“What’s your character’s name?” I asked.
“I beg your pardon?” Discord answered my question with a question.
“You need a name for your character.”
“I already have the best name in the universe.”
“The point of the game is to give yourself a different persona, especially a different name. How about…‘Q’?”
Discord’s ears immediately perked up. The rest of the boys shared confused looks.
“Wh-why that name?” Discord asked.
“I know how much you like puns, so your name could be a pun in itself. ‘Q the archer,’ almost sounds like someone shouting ‘cue the archer!’”
Discord relaxed his posture. “Fine, my character's name is ‘Q’. Now then, is everypony ready for this adventure?”
Everypony plus me nodded our heads uneasily but contentedly.
“Then let us start this adventure!”
Discord snapped his fingers. A bright light blinded my vision.
When I regained my vision, I realized I wasn’t at the castle. Walls of cobblestone surrounded me, filled with giant cracks and wilting moss. A door to the left of me was made in nothing but rusty iron bars, and I could feel the rotting wood I currently sat on.
Am I…in a dungeon? How?
That’s when I noticed three other figures in front of me. Sure enough, they stirred awake.
“H-hello?” I asked as I grabbed a big stick. “Who are you guys?”
“Who said that?” The center figure asked in Rumble’s voice, but they were too big to be him.
“Rumble, is that you?” Button’s voice asked from the right. Again, the figure did not match Button’s body shape.
The remaining figure gave out a grunt as he stood up. This time, I recognized him as Big Mac, and his figure looked more similar to his original form.
I looked at the stick I held and noticed that it felt a lot less rotten than the wooden platform. I looked at one end and found a red jewel. Two and two came together in my head.
Could it be…?
“Guys, get ready,” I called out. “I’m going to try something.”
I tapped the other end of the staff to the ground, and sure enough a bright light spewed out of the gem. The figures revealed themselves, cringing and covering their eyes at the sudden radiancy.
It was then I recognized the figures in front of me. One was a unicorn in black armor, one was a pegasus in leather armor, and one was a muscular earth pony with a sledgehammer.
“Oh my gosh!” I shouted. “We’ve turned into our O&O characters!”
Rumble pulled out his dagger and checked his reflection. “You’re right! Huh, at least the scar’s on the right side.”
“Woah!” Button smacked his own chest. “This must be what Mr. Biceps feels like.”
Big Mac pulled out his sword from his scabbard before swishing it around. “Eeyup.”
I stood up and checked myself. I confirmed I was taller, and I had my blue robe, beard, and glasses.
“This must be Discord’s twist,” I said.
“Right you are,” Discord’s voice bellowed.
He soon appeared on the other side of the iron door, donning a police uniform.
“Welcome to my campaign!” He announced.
“Hold on, why don't you have your archer outfit on?” Rumble asked.
“Not only that, why are you dressed like a modern police officer when O&O takes place in a medieval fantasy land?” Button added.
“Not to worry, you will meet Q in due time,” Discord replied. “And I am still Discord, so the laws of physics and logic do not, nor will they ever, apply to me.” He zoomed up to us. “Now, let us see how you tackle your first task: getting out of here.”
“How did we get in here anyway?” I asked.
“Oh, right. You ponies and dragon have a starting narrative before you start your mission. Okay, then.” Discord vanished, but his voice remained. “‘You four were tasked into saving the Salad Kingdom from King Crouton, but you were caught the second you entered his territory and have been teleported to this dungeon. You must escape and find a way to get to Crouton himself before it is too late!’”
Rumble rubbed his hooves. “Okay. First things first, we unlock the cell door. I attempt to pick the lock.”
Silence filled the air, destroyed by only the creaking walls and hushing breeze.
“I said ‘I attempt to pick the lock!’” Rumble raised his voice.
“I heard you,” Discord said as his head popped out from the ceiling. “You actually have to do the actions.” He then disappeared.
“Oh, I get it.” Rumble took out some pins from one of his pouches. “I never picked a lock in real life before, but I’m sure Sticky Hooves is an expert.”
Rumble stuck the pins into the lock and fiddled with them.
Button asked. “So how do we know if he’s…?”
Click!
“...successful?”
“Does that answer your question?” I asked.
Rumble pushed the door, but it didn't budge.
“Nope,” said Big Mac.
“Huh?” Rumble shoved harder, but the door remained still. “I thought I unlocked it.”
“‘Despite Sticky's successful lockpicking, the door remains closed,’” Discord said. “‘I suppose the Salad Kingdom did not know anything about oil.’”
“Discord’s right.” I pointed to the hinges. “The hinges are covered in rust.”
“Dang it!” Rumble punched the door. “I should’ve known it was too easy.”
“Wait, I have an idea!” Button Mash pulled out his sledgehammer. “Stand back, you guys.”
We all complied, even though the amount of space we had was limited.
“EEE-YAAHHH!!”
Button charged at the door and whacked the lock with his sledgehammer. The door ripped off its hinges and slammed onto the other side of the wall, shattering into tiny slivers of metal.
“Good work, Button,” I said. “Or Hammer Locks. Should we call each other by our character names for this session?”
“I have no objections,” replied Rumble. “It helps with the immersion.”
“Eeyup,” added Big Mac.
“I’m fine with it,” Button said.
“Alright, then. Let’s go,” I said.
Sir McBiggun, Hammer Locks, Sticky Hooves, and I exited the cell and walked up the stairs. We entered a bigger room with a lot more cells. At the end there were more stairs that served as an exit. A tall, muscular Diamond Dog sat near the left side wall. He wore silver, metal armor that was so unpolished it looked more like it was painted gray. Instead of a helmet, he wore a flat cap that covered the top half of his face.
“On your guard, guys,” I said. “We might be in for a fight.”
“Uh, excuse me, sir,” Discord’s voice called out.
In one of the nearby cells, Discord was in his archer uniform, gripping on the black-colored bars. One of his hands was made of parsnip.
“What is it?” I asked as I walked up to the cell.
“Listen, you need to get me out of here!” Discord demanded. “I’ll spare you the sob story of how the king locked me up. If you let me out, I can help you get to him.”
“You can just teleport out, Discord.”
Discord broke character. “You are forgetting I am ‘Q the Archer’ now. Or am I not allowed to play along?”
I sighed. “Okay, we’ll get you out, Q. Hammer?”
“One smashed cell door, coming up!” Hammer Locks announced.
“Wait!” Q shouted.
Hammer Locks swung his hammer at the lock, but then…
BOING!!
Hammer’s tool swiftly bounced off the bars, sending Hammer into a swirling rampage. The group quickly spread out as Hammer slowed down and collapsed from the dizziness.
“I forgot to mention,” said Q. “The king made the cell doors on this floor out of hardened rubber. The walls are indestructible as well.”
“That would’ve been useful a few seconds ago!” Hammer shook his head to clear the circling stars.
“The only way to get me out is to get that key from the warden.” Q pointed at the diamond dog.
“Leave it to me,” whispered Sticky Hooves.
He then disappeared into the shadows. No sound of hoofbeats emerged. A few minutes later, I saw Sticky right behind the warden’s chair. Slowly he reached for the set of keys dangling from the Diamond Dog’s belt. But the second he touched the metal ring, the warden grabbed Sticky’s hoof and threw him across the room. Sticky somersaulted before colliding into us.
“How did he see me?!” Sticky exasperated. “I was being really sneaky.”
I looked at the warden, who retained his original position instead of getting up and fighting us.
“Wait, I know.” I then whispered to Sticky. “Walk up to him and just take the key.”
“Wha…?” Sticky furrowed his brows over the sheer absurdity. “Sneaking up didn’t do the trick, why would the direct approach work?”
“Just trust me.” I looked at Q.
Still doubtful that it would work, Sticky approached the warden casually. The bipedal canine looked at the pegasus thief. Sticky inhaled and grabbed the set of keys. This time, the Diamond Dog did not respond. Sticky slowly backed away until he was in the middle of the room, then he turned around back to us. I watched the warden, but he did not make any sudden moves. In fact, he just lowered his head.
“That worked?!” Hammer exclaimed. “How?”
“I don’t know, but we better take advantage of this while we still can,” said Sticky.
“Eeyup,” added Sir McBiggun.
Sticky stuck the key into the lock, and the door slid up, releasing Q.
“Why thank you,” Q said. “To think King Crouton locked me up of all creatures.”
“Now let’s get out of here.” I declared.
The five of us headed up the stairs. We opened the double doors and found ourselves in the middle of a royal hallway.
“Oh…no!” Q ran up to the windows. “He is really going all out here! Look!”
We looked out the windows to see the mayhem unfolding. The ground was twisted so much it was hard to tell where the gravity was pointing. The sun was nothing more than a glowing lemon slice while the moon was a block of feta cheese.
The pony citizens had it bad, as they tried to fight vegetables as big as themselves. The sailors swung hooves at spinach leaves, the cartographers cut up carrots with compasses, the librarians locked horns with lettuce, and the peasants punched potatoes.
“We need to stop that king!” Hammer barked.
“But where is he?” Sticky asked.
“He might be in his throne room,” replied Q. “Assuming he has not changed the layout of the castle yet, it’s this way.”
We followed Q down the hallway. We turned the corner just to see two bipedal creatures in suits of armor. I didn’t know what species they were because I didn’t see any tails, manes, or anything coming out of the armor. Both of them carried sharp-tipped spears.
“Halt!” shouted one of the armored guards. “Thou hast escaped the dungeon! However, thou shalt not take a step further!”
“Dude, stop talking like that.” The other guard backhand-slapped his friend’s arm. “I told you we don’t use that language anymore.”
“Let us through!” I ordered. “We need to see the king!”
“Fat chance. King Crouton may be disorienting the world, but stopping you is a higher priority.”
“Looks like a battle is brewing!” Q announced as he pulled out an arrow. “It’s on!”
We stood silently. Nobody made a move.
“Well? Who’s going first?” Q asked.
“Uh, Discord? We have to roll for initiative,” I reminded.
“Seriously? Fine.” He snapped his fingers and spawned a giant d20. “Everyone roll this die.”
We all did just that. Even the guards had their turn.
“I’ve got a 7?!” Q shouted. “Is this a dirty trick?!”
“I’m not better,” I said. “I’ve got a 2.”
“20,” said Sir McBiggun.
“16.” Hammer rested his hammer on his back. “Nice.”
“Darn, a 10,” Sticky sighed.
“We hast a fourteen!” announced Guard 1, the Shakespearian guard.
“I’ve got a 6,” said Guard 2, the modern-speaking guard.
I concluded, “Then the order will be Sir McBiggun, Hammer Locks, the outdated speaking guard, Sticky Hooves, Q, the newer-speaking guard, and finally me. Sir McBiggun, you go first.”
Sir McBiggun drew his blade. He aimed at the Guard 1. Sadly, the guard dodged the unicorn’s swing, and the sword only slashed a nearby curtain.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get him!” Hammer shouted.
Hammer drew his sledgehammer. A quick smack of the hammer sent Guard 1 slamming to the wall like a tin can.
“Ow-eth,” Guard 1 groaned, too stunned to have his turn.
“Now it’s my turn!” Sticky declared. “Have a taste of stainless steel!”
Sticky drew his dagger and lunged at Guard 2, but the latter veered away with only a cosmetic scratch on his chestplate. Guard 2 glared at Sticky.
“Well, I didn’t say which steel would be stainless,” defended Sticky.
“Q the archer!” I shouted. “You’re next!”
“Huh, that does have a nice ring to it.” Q drew his bow. “I’ve got a present for you, Guard 2!”
Q fired an arrow, bouncing off Guard 2’s helmet. Guard 2 stumbled backwards with an obvious dent in his armor.
“That’s it!” Guard 2 clenched his spear. “One of you is going down!” He checked for the nearest opponent, which happened to be Sticky. “I’ll start with you.”
Guard 2 tossed the spear like a javier. Sticky’s attempt to roll away failed as the spear sliced through his leather armor and grazed his coat underneath.
“Ow!” Sticky rubbed his shoulder. “That hurt. Wait…that really did hurt! Guys, I’m literally hurt right now and I’m not faking it!”
“Discord!” I called out. “You put actual pain in this game?!”
Q lowered his bow. “Oh, how kind of you to notice. It's the little details that really bring alternate dimensions to life, wouldn't you say?”
Hammer ran up to Sticky. “We don’t need that much detail! Some of us are just kids in older ponies’ bodies.”
“Oh, alright. I’ll break the immersion a little bit for you.”
Q immediately snapped his parsnip fingers. Sticky’s damaged armor repaired itself, and individual green bars appeared above us. Sticky’s had a bit of red.
“Instead of feeling pain, you’ll just have a health bar,” said Q. “When it runs out, you’ll be knocked unconscious for the rest of the battle. Don’t worry, the enemies can’t see it.”
“Much better,” Sticky said as he stood up. “Thank you.”
“Whose turn is it?” Hammer asked.
“Mine,” I replied. “Eat fire, tin can!”
I launched a fire spell straight at Guard 2. The fireball exploded, launching Guard 2 backwards across the hall.
During the fight, Guard 1 regained his bearings and stood up.
“Have at thee, brethren!” Guard 1 shouted.
“Sir McBiggun! It’s your turn!” I called out.
“Eeyup!” Sir McBiggun charged at Guard 1 and then…
CRINK!!
The clamore struck through Guard 1’s armored torso, but…there was no blood.
“Huh?” Sir McBiggun and I tilted our heads.
McBiggun slid out his sword. The hole he made was clean cut, and we could see the other side of the hall, but no signs of flesh.
“That hurt-est us,” Guard 1 said casually before collapsing to the ground.
His armor scattered around the floor, but that was all that was left of him. No flesh or bone appeared.
“The guards!” Sticky concluded. “They’re just reanimated suits of armor!”
“Nice perception check, Stacky,” Q said.
“Sticky.”
“Guys, look out! We still have one more guard left!” I reminded the group.
Guard 2 grabbed his spear and ran towards us. Sticky quickly tripped him, causing the armor to tumble and fall apart across the ground.
“Finally, that trick works,” said Sticky.
With the last guard defeated, the battle was over.
“We’re almost at the throne room,” Q said. “Let us proceed.”
Once again, we followed Q close behind as we trekked down the hallway.
“Say, Q?” Hammer asked. “Why is one of your hands made out of parsnips?”
“When King Crouton discovered the amulet, I was one of his first…test subjects. Let’s just say I got off lucky with just a parsnip hand.”
“Oh, dear.”
As we toured the castle, the walls and floors got wavier and the decor grew more surreal. A clear sign we were getting close. The doors leading to other rooms were tempting enough for us to loot, but considering this was Discord’s campaign, we decided against it.
After following Q, we approached a pair of double doors that changed shape and style every two seconds.
“This has to be the throne room,” Q pointed out. “Any objections before we continue?”
I looked at the rest of the gang. Even though our faces had nothing but overwrought looks, we would rather not delay the inevitable.
“None?” Q pulled out another arrow. “Then let us meet King Crouton in the flesh! Hammer, if you please.”
Hammer struck the doors down. We marched right into the throne room, and the center of the chaos cyclone. The walls and floor had such motile textures that it was difficult to determine the overall size of the room, and the swinging windows sure weren’t helping. Strange shapes floated around us, and I had no idea what they were supposed to represent. The only aspect that was the most down-to-earth was the throne in the center and its occupant.
The brown, paunchy, angular-faced stallion donned a metal collar, red cape, and a tan crown. The Eris Amulet Q mentioned rested right around the king’s neck, looking similar to that of the alicorn amulet but with a sickly-green color than red. This was definitely King Crouton, and if the deranged look in his eyes proved anything, he was already drunk with power.
“King Crouton! We’ve come for you!” I announced.
“So, you’ve finally arrived,” declared King Crouton.
“You expected us?” Sticky asked.
“Of course. You are here sooner than expected, but I thought nothing less of my right-hand creature.”
Q slowly ambled forward.
“Q?!” Sticky and Hammer shouted in unison.
“You’re King Crouton’s assistant?!” Hammer exclaimed.
“Did some of my subtle foreshadowing quotes not give it away?” Q asked. He then flew to King Crouton’s side.
“Soon, you all will witness what I, King Crouton, am capable of!” the king declared.
“Your highness! You need to remove that amulet at once!” I ordered. “Can’t you see it’s corrupting you?! Making you crave power?!”
“Oh, I’ve been craving power long before I knew of the amulet!” Crouton stood up. “And I’m not going to give it up to some foreign ragtag!”
“He’s too far gone to be reasoned with,” I said to my buddies. “Ready yourself.”
A d20 appeared before us, and we took turns rolling it. I got a 9; Sticky, 3; Hammer, 15; McBiggun, 14; King Crouton, 17; and Q, 4.
Thus, the order would be King Crouton, Hammer Locks, Sir McBiggun, Grand Oaf (me), Q the Archer, and finally Sticky Hooves.
“Let’s make this battle fair!” declared the king.
He clapped his hands together, and sure enough pony-sized vegetables spawned from the floor and surrounded us.
“There’s more vegetables here than all of us combined,” Sticky pointed out. “How is this battle fair?”
“I don’t know, but I’m not just gonna stand here.” Hammer aimed his hammer at a potato. “Hope you like being mashed, potato!”
The sledgehammer smacked the starched vegetable, sending it tumbling backwards. However, it stood straight up not long after, as if it never took damage.
“Uh, oh. Brute force is not very effective on these plants,” Hammer said worryingly.
“How about some shear force?” I asked. “Sir McBiggun?”
“Eeyup!” Sir McBiggun pulled out his sword.
He aimed at a stalk of broccoli. Three swishes turned the vegtable’s “afro” into a buzz cut, but the do didn’t last long. The second the cut veggies hit the floor, the broccoli’s florets popped back into their original shape.
“Nope…” said McBiggun.
I looked at the king. “I have an idea.” I aimed my staff at him. “Eat this!”
The gem launched a fireball straight at the king. He held out his arm, revealing a gauntlet. The fireball smacked said gauntlet, dissipating into small embers and leaving not a singe on the king.
“You think your smoldering marbles are gonna hurt me?” The king arrogantly asked. “Fat chance! Fire at will, Q, and the group as well!”
Q pulled out an arrow and aimed upwards. After a brief hesitation, he shot up into the sky. The king circled his glowing hooves, and the arrow multiplied sixty-four times before raining down on us. I thanked Celestia that Discord gave us health bars instead of actual pain. Once the storm of flint and sticks was over, everypony’s respective health bars gained a good chunk of red.
“Still better than feeling actual arrows hitting us,” said Sticky. “Hmm. I remember taking that ogre out with a smoke bomb, so maybe…”
Sticky tossed the bomb at an onion. Aside from a plethora of smoke and a fine coating of gray mist, the onion was left unscathed.
“Guess it only works once.”
“Enough standing around!” King Crouton called out. “Attack them, you salad spinners!”
The vegetables lunged at us. While we were able to block and dodge most of their attacks, we still took significant damage.
“These guys are impossible!” Sticky cried. “Nothing we’re doing is affecting them.”
“Wait, I might have an idea.” Hammer put away his weapon. “During this campaign, I noticed how often unexpected things happened, whether or not it was coming from us. I might know how to beat these animated veggies.”
Hammer casually walked up to a spinach leaf.
“I bet my mom would be proud if she saw me right now,” Hammer said.
CHOMP!!
Hammer snapped his jaws onto the giant greenery, tearing a good piece off. The spinach and the other vegetables shivered in fright.
“Looks like we found their weakness!” I announced.
The vegetables ran around the room in panic with Hammer and Sticky chasing after them. Sir McBiggun and I were about to follow suit, but I had a plan.
“Sir McBiggun, you need to convince Q to take our side again,” I whispered.
“Huh?” The red unicorn raised an eyebrow.
“I know I have the higher charisma between the two of us, but I have a feeling given all that’s happened, it would be surprising if you were the one doing the persuasion check.”
McBiggun closed his eyes, nodded his head, and approached the throne.
He then cleared his throat. “Uh…Q…? Please refrain from working with King Crouton and assist us instead.”
Silence filled the room. Suddenly two fireworks appeared out of nowhere and shot up into the sky, producing the numbers “2” and “0.”
Does that mean he got a natural twenty?
“Don’t listen to that armored stallion!” barked the king. “What does he know?!”
Q pulled out another arrow. He looked to the sky, to McBiggun and me, and then to the king.
“He knows which side to fight for.”
Using his parsnip hand, he enchanted the tip of the arrow in some yellow aura. Then he held it like a dagger.
“Speak parsnips for me!”
Q’s arrow struck the back of King Crouton’s collar, snapping the amulet off the corrupted king. The gem smashed into pieces as the magic from them dissipated. King Crouton stood frozen.
“You too, Q?” Crouton asked weakly. “Then fall caesar salad.”
The king fell to the ground and collapsed into tiny squares of crispy bread. With no amulet nor king to control the chaos, the throne room morphed back into its original organized state. The floor and ceiling gained white tiles, the walls obtained marble and curtains, and the vegetables shrunk to their original size and lost their sentience.
“We finally did it,” I announced. “Great job, Q.”
“It was a shame, really,” Q replied. “I always liked him. Too bad he fell off the slippery slope.”
“Well done, everyone!” A female voice called out.
From one of the doors entered a pegasus mare in a princess outfit. She was purple with a violet mane styled almost exactly like Fluttershy. Q immediately bowed.
“Who are you?” asked Hammer Locks.
“I’m Princess Plumshy,” the mare replied. “I was to be the next ruler after King Crouton stepped down, but I suppose it’s happening sooner than expected.” She looked at the croutons around the throne.
“Sorry about what happened to the king, your highness,” I said.
“Oh, please don’t be, he was my stepbrother anyway. Strange how it’s always the step-relatives that are the evil ones.” Princess Plumshy cleared her throat. “In any case, I would like to thank you all for saving the Salad Kingdom. Especially you, Q the archer.”
Q blushed a bit.
Plumshy continued, “I hope to meet you all again someday. You’re welcome back to the Salad Kingdom at any time.”
We all took our leave. Q then snapped his fingers.
A quick poof and we were back at Twilight’s castle, and to our normal forms.
“Aw man,” Button rubbed his arms. “I liked having a muscular figure.”
“And that is it for this campaign,” Discord said as he stood up from his chair. “I better be going now.”
“Same time next week?” asked Rumble.
“You…actually enjoyed my company?”
“Yeah,” Button replied. “I had doubts at first, but now I realized we should’ve invited you ages ago.”
“After this session, I don’t think we could ever go back to just rolling dice and narrating,” added Rumble.
“Nope,” Big Mac concluded.
“Lucky for you, gentlemen, this game grew on me.” Discord spawned a tiny tree on his lion palm. The tree sprouted tiny O&O manuals. “I’ll be sure to return for the next campaign.”
He swirled around and vanished into thin air.
“So you guys really meant it?” I asked. “You want Discord to join us more often?”
“Of course,” Button replied. “The story may not have been the most original and the message of ‘eating your veggies’ was borderline obvious, but actually playing as our characters like that is more immersive than any modern console can provide.”
I checked the time and realized it was almost midnight.
“Geez, that campaign sure lasted long,” I said. “Why don’t you guys stay the night? We’ve got some spare sleeping bags in one of the closets.”
The colts and stallion agreed.
I quickly went to search for the sleeping bags while also thinking how this episode transpired. Since we invited Discord ahead of time instead of last minute, he came on his own terms and made his own campaign. Not only that, everypony enjoyed it in the end.
“Hey, Spike?” Starlight Glimmer came down the hall donning a night shirt. “Was Discord here by any chance?”
I nodded. “Yeah, why do you ask?”
“I was making a salad for a midnight snack, and…this happened.”
Starlight pulled out a bowl, showing the vegetables inside struggling to climb out.
“King Crouton will be avenged!” One of the veggies squeaked.
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The ending reminds me of this scene.
XD
Wonderful work, as always.
That's always the problem when it comes to roller coasters. Happens to me a lot.
Wow, what are the odds.
Wow, that was very unexpected. Now I'm looking forward to more chapters to see how it all turns out.
I think it's time for Flurry Heart to be born. We're all waiting for that to happen.
Discord had a nice taste in humor, i could see him become a O&O famous GameMaster.
I will be stealing this campaign for myself thank you ^w^
11821016
Best way to end the chapter in my opinion.
The only visual I could imagine for all the individual rolls was the unnecessarily large text in Guilty Gear Strive. I know only a few of the rolls are visible to Spike and crew, but so be it.
Was certainly an interesting one-off campaign! Also, congrats on one hundred chapters technically and soon-to-be one hundred full chapters! I marginally recognize the Q reference—”cue the archer”, clever.
—Cragadilian.
i would love another chapter like this out of the blue!!!!
keep the creativity going, good sir!!!!
This chapter was very well done. Love the sailors eating the spinach part! Popeye was the one who got me into trying spinach and I have been hooked ever since.
Glim-Glam!
Also Discord even did mechanics introduction part.
That's Captian Q to you!
Me: And I am Green Arrow.
Wait for the update of this fic and until now I'm noticing the updates
11821477
Funny and sad.
At least some new fans are filling in the gaps, and are actively defending it.
(You know, this is just like at the Great Fandom Split of 2013. And every other big controversial moment over the years.)
If the others tried a bit harder, they might have some fun with Discord. One way... or another~♡