The party was already in full swing. I noticed that Twilight wasn’t with us anymore. I didn’t think she would, so I went upstairs to her room.
“Hey, Twilight!” I called out. “Pinkie Pie's starting ‘pin the tail on the pony’! Wanna play?”
“No!” Twilight retorted. “All the ponies in this town are crazy!” This is coming from a pony who went insane trying to be on time. “Do you know what time it is?”
“It's the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration,” I replied. “Everypony has to stay up, or they'll miss the princess raising the sun.”
I would’ve said that Twilight should lighten up, but she wouldn’t listen. I threw the lampshade hat off, and marched straight up to her bed.
“Now, listen, little miss antisocial! The princess asked you to make some friends!” I pulled the pillow from her head. “I don’t care if you like it or not! Even Fluttershy is better at making friends than you! I swear, you’re as reclusive as Moondancer!”
Twilight gasped. “Oh, no! I forgot to tell Moondancer I was leaving!” She jumped out of bed. “I need to catch the train back too—”
I quickly pulled Twilight’s tail. “No, you don’t. I already told Moondancer you were leaving.”
“You did?”
“What did you think I was doing when you were meeting Princess Celestia? After I returned that book, I went and told Moondancer you couldn’t come because you were going to Ponyville for an important task. She understood it was a high priority for you, and she thanked me for the gift.”
“Spike...I...” Then her eyes widened. “Wait a minute. How did you know we were going to Ponyville before the Princess told us?”
Uh, oh. I was afraid someone would get suspicious.
“Well, with the Summer Sun Celebration right around the corner, I thought the Princess might’ve wanted you to check on preparations in Ponyville.”
“But how did you know it was going to be in Ponyville? They change location every year, you know.”
“It’s the closest town to Canterlot. I doubt she was going to send you anywhere else on the map.”
“Uh, huh...”
“Hey, look!” I pointed at the clock. “It’s almost time watch the sunrise!”
Twilight and I, along with the party ponies in the library, went to the Town Hall. It was surprisingly quiet.
Then Pinkie showed up out of nowhere. “Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, 'cause I'm excited, I've never been so excited— well, except for the time that I saw you walking into town and I went GASP! but I mean really, who can top that?”
I can think of one pony.
“Who?” Pinkie asked.
“Huh?” I asked.
“You said you knew somepony who can top my excitement.”
“Uh...I didn’t say anything like that.” I didn't think Pinkie could read minds.
“Okie dokie loki!”
Then the fanfare began, followed by ponies cheering. Then the mayor of Ponyville showed up.
“Fillies and gentlecolts,” the mayor announced, “as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration! In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria...Princess Celestia!”
Rarity pulled the curtain back, but just like in the show, Princess Celestia wasn’t there. The crowd was in a frenzy.
“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explanation!” said the Mayor.
“I know why!” I said. “An old friend of the Princess has returned!” I heard the crowd asking questions.
“Huh?”
“An old friend?”
“That princess has terrible priorities.”
“Spike! What are you doing?!” Twilight hissed.
“Yah!” Pinkie yelped as a mysterious mist that looked like the night sky formed on the balcony.
“Oh, no…” Twilight said.
“Nightmare Moon!” Twilight and I said in unison.
Sure enough, an alicorn as black as the night appeared on the balcony. I noticed that her fangs were missing here.
“Oh, my beloved subjects,” the dark mare said. “It's been so long since I've seen your precious little sun-loving faces.”
“What did you do to our Princess?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Why, am I not royal enough for you?” Nightmare Moon asked “Don't you know who I am?”
“Ooh! I love guessing games!” Pinkie said with glee. “Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty!”
“I know who you are!” I finally said. I stood on Twilight’s head. “You are the sister of Princess Celestia. You are the princess of the night. You are the Mare in the Moon! You are...Nightmare Moon!”
The crowd around me gasped.
“Well well well,” said Nightmare Moon. “Somepony who remembers me.” Suddenly I felt a weird aura around my body, and I was lifted off Twilight’s head.
“Twilight! Put me down!” I shouted.
“Th-That’s not me, Spike!”
Nightmare Moon pulled closer to me. I felt an aura around my neck. It started getting tighter and tighter.
“Then you also know why I'm here, little dragon.”
I tried to say something, but nothing came out. Not that I was choking, but that I was too scared to say anything. Remember, I was a human in a dragon body. I was practically in a scenario where a random muggle is being held hostage by Voldermort.
“Remember this day, little ponies, for it was your last.”
Then I just remembered. I’m a dragon. So that means...
“From this moment forth, the night will last—YEOW!!” I spat out a tiny fireball which smacked Nightmare Moon’s helmet. It didn’t hurt her, thankfully, but she dropped me. I was glad Twilight was able to catch me right before I hit the ground.
“Erg! You’ll pay for that, you overgrown lizard!”
“Seize her!” The mayor shouted. “Only she knows where the Princess is hiding!”
But unfortunately, the guards were no match for the Mare in the Moon’s magic. They were all knocked down like bowling pins. Nightmare Moon then transformed into the nightly mist and escaped from the Town Hall.
“We need to get to the library!” Twilight declared. She placed me on her back and we rode for the library. I looked up and saw Rainbow Dash watching us.
This is a good story.
I know right I'm looking forward for more of this soon
Do you think David can develop a snark similar to Spike earlier on. That has been one of my favorite parts of Spike's character.
Yes a story about human become Spike
Pace is SUPER fast, but the story's not too shabby. Interesting how this "Spike" couldn't go one episode before accidentally tipping his hand a little...
... Eh, to be fair, ALL of us would have bad poker faces if we were randomly thrown into his non-horseshoes one day
Good luck my friend.
Pretty good so far. A fast pace actually kind of works here, mostly because we know what the events already are. I'm looking forward to seeing how you handle this! Oh, and spike didn't actually say anything to moon dancer about the summer sun celebration or ponyville. I guess he forgot he made it vague while he was telling twilight.
Some say Tirek escaped BECAUSE Cerbrus got distracted by his missing ball.
love it so far have a like and fav but have to say imho a rule of thumb to follow is that chapters should be no less then 1500-2000 words to 4000-5000 words so its not short like 900 words and the reader is left wanting more and not 8000 words were the reader will get burnt out on the length and doesnt feel dragged out
Would be more interesting if it were a bit longer or there were more deviations to the story but other than that doing great.
....A human as Spike but there appears to be little to no change, which can make the story very boring very quickly when its the same exact thing word per word. Please steer the plot away from this and try to make it that the time starts changing and derailing itself such as events being out of order, events happening to another pony, an event never happening, etc.
Ah like this chapter a lil more cause different dialog kinda happened. ...Yay.
The dialog was wayyyy better in this chapter; however, yer descriptin' went poof. Ah'm sure you'll improve.
Good luck!
Uhm, considering absolutely everything worked out (despite the fact that everything should have been FUBAR), does he actually need to do anything?
Unless this is a 'real' Equestria where poor decisions would actually have realistic and disastrous consequences.
Maybe you should kinda focus on it that way, have 'Spike' see that what gave a happy ending in the show WILL NOT happen in this 'reality' unless he uses his knowledge to 'put right what once went wrong',,, and then hope that each leap will be the leap home.
Also he needs a hologram named 'Al' to talk to.
10100568 As I mentioned, have this be a 'real world' situation, where instead of the show's plot-convenient bailouts every time the Mane 6 screw up or make ridiculous decisions with no consequences, the world could be doomed unless human Spike with his knowledge saves the day. The Discord thing, easily nipped in the bud. Just stand there as the statue starts cracking and blast him. Then don't bother trying to reform him. In reality, it would NEVER WORK. The changelings... punch Chryssi-Cadance super-hard IN THE FACE. We know that disrupts their disguise. Or bite her and show the green blood. Or just... cut her frickin' head off. That works too.
The one villain Spike doesn't need to intervene with is Sombra. Sombra was so pathetic Spike and Pretty Pink Princess kicked his plot. Beating him even more badly would just be pitiful.
I will read this, hoping it will get updated more!
I LOVE REWRITES OF MLP!!!
I can't wait for more!
I read it and it's better than most.
Please don't grow bored or discontinue this!!!!!
10100915
I'm glad you like it.
10100479
I'll try to keep that in mind for future chapters.
10100568
Don't worry. Big changes will be occuring soon.
10100751
Not everything needs an explanation you know. Remember Groundhog Day? Phil was stuck in some time loop without any explanation as to how or why it happened.
I was just thinking of doing a story very much like this. No big deal I have two other stories to finish and like every good supervillain I have a plan B.
10101127
I would say that is true, but in the last chapter, I think its gonna be a whole new ride when the first two episodes are done...
As people have pointed out, there seems to be an immense effort in matching your dialogue to the show's, beat for beat. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that if, say, your protagonist's thoughts were mostly his own and unique. But as it stands there seems to be very little conflict going on. Try mixing things up, experimenting. Don't be afraid to have events change, otherwise, there's very little point in having your main character be in Spike's body.
10100825 Then why send a brony? It seems the entity very specifically selected very specifically from a rather tiny group of people. That indicates deliberate action and purpose.
If the entity was just screwing around, odd are it would have nabbed someone from India or China or any Islamic country, since that's 2/3 of the human population right there.
There's a better chance of a entity grabbing a random Mormon than there is of picking a brony. So the excuse it's just a being goofing off doesn't hold water.
I like this. Chapters are a little short, but I don't mind that all that much. Keep up the good work!
I like the story. Seems interesting.
Is there a group or a tag for stories like this? The only other one I can think of at the moment is The Poisoned Barb's Tale.
I think a way to change the story would be to really divert from the show, and from David’s expectations
finally a human in the body of spike. I have not found fanfics with this concept or maybe it is because I do not look well, could someone recommend me? (English is not my language so sorry if I write in a weird way)
10101975
The Poisoned Barb is a story where a human woman ends up in a gender swapped Equestria inside the body of Barb (the female version of Spike). It has a sequel as well.
Oh hey, things actually happened differently in this chapter. It, unlike the previous ones, was somewhat interesting. I do wonder why he would stray so far from the script now when before he was sticking so closely to it (pointing out the hot sauce makes sense based on the "Spike but better" mentality, but confronting Nightmare Moon himself does not seem to be justified the same way as he's just stealing Twilight's lines and not avoiding problems), but I can't say I'm complaining about the changes.
It's nice to see that at least one thing has been picked up on, the bit about how he shouldn't have known they were going to Ponyville to be specific, but I am still annoyed at how nobody is reacting to the declarations of Nightmare Moon being Celestia's sister. I know this is an issue of the author not remembering correctly that it wasn't learned of until the end of episode 2, but it's still a problem here. It should be receiving even more attention from others than him knowing about going to Ponyville.
Alright it is a great story!
Please keep writing story it is really good
So far I think the story from a human's perspective through spike would be interesting, so rather curious where this will lead .
That said, like most other people have pointed out, our protagonist here seems to be falling for some of the common pitfalls of early fanfics, I.e not really having any faults or mistakes, not really driving any conflict in the story to name two. Not really horrible, and not somthing that cant be fixed, but right now, he dose feel a little two dimensional.
Now, if I can take the liberty of giving some suggestions that I think would be interesting for this story, (and keep in mind its been a while since I've actually written a fic, so take it with a grain of salt ) here's a couple things I think we could spice up this character and story with.
Firstly, and probably foremost, I think "Spike" here should make a mistake. He seems to be pretty confident that since he knows how the show is "supposed" to go and he feels he can solve problems before they come up, have something he tampers with blow up in his face. "Fluttershy and Rarity wont be honest with each other about how they feel about Fluttershy's fame through photo finish? Well~ I'll just put them in a room together before anything really happens and make them tell each othe-....oh...oh no, now they're arguing, oh no, now they're refusing to speak to each other, what do I do to fix this!?"
I think one or even a couple chapters like this would be great to show that "Spike" has to be careful about what he tampers with. Yes, he can solve some problems early, but if done improperly, he could make things much worse, and perhaps it will end up being with a "win some, lose some" situation with the episodes.
Second, "Spike" should be wondering what happened, or begin to worry about what happened to the "real spike". Someone had to have come out of that egg twilight hatched, and been twilight's pseudo kid brother. What happened to that dragon? It seems that he disappeared over night, or worse, our protagonist accidentally "killed" him by existing. "Spike" could really contemplate that, or feel guilty about it, while at the same time dodging Twilight, Shining armor, and even Celestia's suspicions.
I know this seems to be somthing going on in the background, but would love if "Spike" himself stopped to consider these things.
Lastly, "Spike" is pretty confident he knows everything that's going to happen, but seems to have failed to take into account the "butterfly effect." While its true that probably everything will happen, he's still doing things that the "real spike" never did, and as the legendary Captain Rex said in "starwars Rebels", "Every move you make effects the rest of us". Perhaps "Spike" decides not to pursue his relationship with Rarity. Rarity may never even consider asking him to join her on gem hunting in the diamond dog's fields, thus, he has no idea till someone else mentions they haven't seen Rarity in days, that she had even kicked off that episode.
Anywho~! those are my thoughts, really hope they help And I'll watch where this story goes~
(by the by, feel free to message me if you want any pre readers or editors )
10103027
I recently found one where Starlight goes back in time to solve all the friendship problems in 30 seconds or less (or the pizza's free.) It's pretty close to solving it as quickly as possible, but not quite efficiently. (Its called Starlight Fixes Everything)
Now that reminds me, Big Mac did basically that in the MLP time loops. Solved everything minus big villains without anyone noticing.
I'm really excited for the next chapter of this.
10103027 It's pretty easy to solve problems when you know the causes ahead of time.
Hell, I could stop WWI and WWII just by tripping one anarchist in Serbia as he headed toward Archduke Ferdinand's car.
A war would still break out, but at a later time, and from a different cause, in a different location. It wouldn't progress the same way. And with that extra time, I'd make sure Adolf H made it into an architectural design school in the USA... with Jewish professors. ;]
BOOM!! I just changed the entire last century of world history with two simple acts involving just three key people.
Hindsight's always 20/20.
10102706 This is also ostensibly a 'real' world. Think of all the things that took place in the show that WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED in an actual living world where cause and effect don't give a rat's ass about plot direction to make sure the story ends in 20 or 40 minutes.
For instance: NMM. A real psycho willing to try to kill her own sister due to petty jealousy wouldn't think twice about slaughtering the 6 pathetic ponies who got in her way.
Discord: he would have hidden the EoH on the farthest, most remote edges of the planet (if he couldn't outright destroy them). Finding them would hardly have been easy, if he even decided to let them try. But, perhaps he IS more of a trickster than a sadist, and so there would be chance... it would just be very difficult and take far longer.
The Changelings: God help the ponies if Chrysalis was remotely competent. Because only divine intervention could stop the bugs if they were as cunning and ruthless as... me.
And then there's Sombra... .... .... Eh, they'd kick his ass easily enough. XD
It's a good story so far, the only hiccups are two things.
First is that you had David head over heels for Rarity after it was stated he didn't like characters who were full of themself like Rainbow Dash. Rarity did show she was full of her self in the show, albeit not in the same was as Rainbow, but on par with her. Rarity's over the top attitude about how things should be more "sophisticated" made her annoying in so many ways. So why would David still have Spike go after Rarity? I was expecting him to handle her differently.
And two, that with Fluttershy he would address her perception of him as some sort of animal and mindless baby. Spike took a major hit in the pride with the baby talk Fluttershy and Twilight gave him. Fluttershy lives in a very rose-tinted world when it comes to other creatures. This is something all ponies seemed to share in the series, so it's not a major loss of points on Fluttershy's character, but it seems like something David would have worked on correcting to have things smoothed over for future events.
10103470
Igiari! There is a reason why 'David' is acting like that. It's obvious. He's trying to keep to the script for now, he's acting out how Spike was acting that day. There is that possibility what hes doing with Rarity is an 'act'
Oh! No, she's suspicious!
10157163
I was more afraid that someone wouldn't.
Is it weird whenever I read interesting stories like these that my mind starts making another world that watches this? Like literally I can now see a whole bunch of conspiracy theories going on YouTube discussing and questioning some of these things like how did spike knew they were going to ponivile, and the part where spike whispers "Pinkie pie" before they met her, could maybe said out low and someone realized that and posted this and now the fans are speculating things on spike. I have too big of an overactive imagination to come up with these concepts for the fans of this story if this is how MLP was started off
10234912
Dude that’s awesome! That’s a really cool way of thinking of the story’s and it sounds fun to do
10100961
That's because the movie had bigger fish to fry, i.e. certain themes to explore, among other things. What does this story have, if I might ask?
Well... that could have gone better.
Seriously Spike, stop stealing Twilight's lines. These aren't Spike episodes, stop trying to make them such.
10539103
While I agree that he shouldn't try to mess up canon too much, in his defense I also wouldn't be able to resist not jabbing at anyone with my superior canon intelect.
Oh, that cracked me up! Who knew Nightmare Moon would say something like that?
to - needs to be added
I really hope you redeem your story here... Again bare minimum for a chapter.
Were is the change that would make a difference? No humor like booping her on the snoot since shes a pretty princess pony or anything...
10099746
No it isnt.
Its literally small parts of a episodes story with laugthable few 'ideas to make it less than boring'
10099903
Anything would be better than 'this Spike'. There is no improving. The best he did is stealing other pony line.
No smartass remarks to hint at a greater interlect or a jackass humor to let Spike shine. Anything would be better and a Improvment
10100211
Whats goof so far? There is bearly anything. No character development or story. Creativity is so far only by stealing pony lines at best...
Yes. If rhe reader knows the story. If not he cant fill 1/10 of the story that isnt even told...
Nothing new and even less than half the story it seems
10100223
Worst writing ever Hope the Author can think of anything better
10100507
I agree on the start and disagree on the end. Its a story, bot not good/bad because there bearly anything at all to read...
10100568
This story is like someone trying to make a micro wave meal but stopping the moment they unpack the outer layer of the meal. Missing putting the meal in the microwave, setting it, start the maschine, taking out the read meal and eating it. There a start but nothing more
10100749
You seem to missremember things. You mix up another fimfiction story with the main show i think... Were did Changelings bleed green after getting a bite?
10100915
Me to but this isnt one sadly...
10101004
Please to this story since this 'story' is at least of the quality of a video Cassette box description
10101769
Your very generous to call that token effort a story
You sure about that? Sound to be a contradiction. More like not injured .Also impressive that baby dragon breath was enough to hurt her at all. Huzza for
the ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!
hiding? Not being hold prisoner?