Twilight Tries...

by Peni Parker

Solving the Zero Theorem

Hi, everypony, and welcome to another episode of Twilight Tries!

In today’s episode, I’m going to be trying something that many great ponies have been attempting to do throughout the history of Equestria. Ponies such as Starswirl the Bearded and Somnambula, to name a few.

Today, I’m going to try…solving the Zero Theorem!

Now I’m sure that most of you don’t have a subscription to Mathematics & Physics Quarterly like I do, so allow me to explain just what the Zero Theorem is. It’s a little complicated, but basically it’s a theorem that, if correct, would prove what’s known as the Big Crunch Theory, which is a belief that at some point the entire universe will stop expanding and start condensing into a massive blackhole from which everything will eventually get squeezed into a single point of zero-dimension.

If that’s too much of a sciencey explanation for you, just think of the Zero Theorem as a mathematical formula that would prove that everything is meaningless.

I know, kinda depressing, right?

So at this point you might be wondering why it is that I, or anypony for that matter, would want to try solving the Zero Theorem. What possible reason could somepony have for wanting to prove that all is for nothing? Now obviously I can’t speak for other ponies who’ve worked on this before, but for me that reason is because of the challenge that trying to solve the Zero Theorem offers. I’ve been told that the Zero Theorem is believed by many to be unsolvable, and telling me that a math problem is unsolvable is like telling Rainbow Dash that no pony can fly through Ghastly Gorge in under two minutes; you may as well be saying, ‘I dare you to prove me wrong.’

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Oh come on, Spike, the Zero Theorem is just a math problem. I know it’s a little scary to think that everything is meaningless and that there’s a way to prove it, but it’s not like a math problem can hurt you.

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Okay, I’ll admit that a math problem can give you a pretty nasty headache.

I can attest to that personally.

But regardless, it’s like I said earlier, the Zero Theorem is something that ponies have been working on for a long time. Even if it does turn out to be solvable there’s virtually no chance that I’m going to be able to solve it in my lifetime, let alone before the end of this vlog episode.

Honestly, my only real goal here is to just add to the equation and join the list of great ponies who have contributed to it throughout the years.

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What do you mean do I think I’m smart enough to add to the equation?! Need I remind you that my math grades were among the best in my class when I was in school?!

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Aaand now he’s questioning the quality of Princess Celestia’s curriculum.

Look, Spike, I know that this is something I can do. Maybe I won’t be as good at it as Starswirl or Somnambula were, but I know for certain that I can at least contribute a little bit to the Zero Theorem.

Now then, everypony, I think it’s time we got things rolling. So if you’ll just follow me over here I’ll show you the special machine we’ll be using for today’s episode.

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Ta-da!

What you’re looking at right now is the Ponycom Neural Net Poncrive, a special computer constructed solely for the purpose of calculating complex mathematical formulas such as the Zero Theroem. Normally it’s housed in a restricted wing of the Canterlot Archives, but both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were kind enough to allow me to borrow it and bring it to the castle for today’s episode.

I just have to return it before next Tuesday.

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Yes, Spike, I know how to use this thing. I made sure to read through the 1,346-page Ponycom manual thoroughly before today.

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Oh for –

I’m sure I don’t need to read through it again to make sure I got everything. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get the Ponycom booted up.

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There we are.

So now that our special computer is on, everypony, we can – Spike?

Spike?! Where’d you go?!

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Huh.

Okay, well, I guess Spike had to run to the bathroom or something. While we wait for him to get back, I can show you all a little more of the Ponycom.

So as you can see on the display here, 0 currently equals 93.78926%. What we want to do is get 0 to equal 100%, and how we go about doing that is by completing a series of mathematical equations known as entities and then plugging those entities into the larger formula. Let me just bring up one real quick to show you.

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All right, so this is what an entity looks like, and don’t you just love it?! It’s so intricate, so complex, so…beautiful.

*SNIFFLE*

Sorry, everypony. I just…I really love math.

Now then, I believe I’ve explained everything that I wanted to, so let’s get started, everypony!

Okay, looks like we need to take the derivative of this right here…figure out the cosine of that…carry the 1 over there…

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Phew.

I can see why so many ponies have had to work on the Zero Theorem over the years. I’ve only been working on this for a few hours and already I’m beginning to feel exhausted. I mean, so many of the entities refuse to remain crunched. Practically every time I solve one and plug it into the equation it undoes another entity.

I feel like Sisyphus trying to push that rock up the hill.

*SIGH*

I know I said earlier that I welcomed the challenge that trying to solve this thing offered, but right now I’m starting to think I might have gotten in over my head here.

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I don’t know, Spike. Part of me feels it’s a good idea to stop here before I really start to feel burned out, but another part of me really wants to keep going and see just how far I can go with this. I mean, in just a few hours I’ve managed to get 0 to equal 94.27519%, so who knows what I could get it up to with another few hours of work.

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Ooh, going to get a snack from Sugar Cube Corner together does sound like fun, but maybe let’s hold off on that until later, okay? I’m going to keep plugging away at the Zero Theorem for a bit longer.

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Um, is it just me or did Spike seem a little huffy as he left just now?

I sure hope he’s not feeling backed-up again.

Welp, back to the grind.

Okay, take the sum of the square root here…plug that into that part there..

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Whoa, whoa. Calm down, Spike, tell me what’s going on.

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That ice cream cart with the fudge ripple I like so much is right outside the castle?!

*SQUEE*

Okay, I’m going to go get some bits and then get myself some fudge ripple! Do you want anything, Spike?

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Right, right. Gotta hurry before she’s gone.

Be right back!

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Um, I don’t see an ice cream cart out here. I guess I must have just missed it and – wait a second, I see what’s going on here; Spike lied about the ice cream cart. He just wanted to get me away from the Zero Theorem for a few moments because he thinks I’m working too hard on it.

*SIGH*

I certainly appreciate Spike’s concern for my well-being but I really wish he hadn’t lied about the ice cream cart being right outside the castle, and not just because lying is wrong.

Now I’m hungry for fudge ripple.

Okay, well, since there’s no ice cream out here I guess I’ll get back to working on the Zero Theorem.

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Wait, do you all hear that weird noise?

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What the -?!

SPIKE, STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE PONYCOM?!

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*GRUNT*

Get…off of there this instant, young dragon!

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I said…get off of it! NOW!

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*HUFF*

Wow, he was really on there good.

Now then, Spike, I hope you have a good explanation for why it was you were attacking the Ponycom just now!

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No, don’t lie to me and say you were just taking a closer look at it! You were clearly trying to damage it, and I want to know why!

In fact, I want to know what’s been up with you all day! You’ve questioned my intellect and Princess Celestia’s teaching abilities to the point of being borderline insulting, lied to me about there being an ice cream cart outside the castle, and now I find you trying to damage the special computer that the princesses let me borrow; where the hay is all of this coming from?!

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Oh…oh my. He’s crying.

S-Spike?

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You…you don’t want me working on the Zero Theorem because you’re afraid that I’ll solve it, and that when I prove that everything is meaningless then I’ll stop loving you?

Oh, Spike. Come here, let me give you a hug.

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I’m so sorry, Spike. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize you were feeling that way.

But you know, you don’t have to worry about the Zero Theorem affecting how I feel about you.

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Of course I mean that. It doesn’t matter to me if the universe is going to collapse into a single point of zero-dimension someday. Until that day comes – if it even comes during my lifetime - I’m going to continue to be the same pony I’ve always been. I’ll still continue to run the School of Friendship, spend time with my friends, and be there for you whenever you need me.

Even if everything is meaningless, you’ll always mean everything to me, Spike.

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Thank you, Spike. I accept your apology. And I wouldn’t worry about the Ponycom, I don’t think you did any damage to it that can’t be fixed with a little duct tape.

Note to self: borrow some duct tape from Applejack later.

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Oh, that’s okay, I think I’m done with this episode now. I managed to increase 0 by 0.48593%, so I feel like I’ve reached my goal of contributing to the Zero Theorem. And besides, I’m not so sure I would’ve been able to solve much more of it before burning myself out anyways.

Now come on, let’s go get that snack from Sugar Cube Corner. I’m really in the mood for some fudge ripple ice cream since somepony brought it up earlier.

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Okay, just give me a second to wrap things up here.

Well, everypony, this certainly turned out to be a more eventful episode than I thought it would be, but after everything that’s happened I’m just glad it’s ending on a good note.

So as always, thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time on Twilight Tries!

Hmm.

Maybe next episode I should try solving the Transfinite Quantum Paradox.

Author's Note:

This chapter inspired by Terry Gilliam's underrated masterpiece. If you've never seen The Zero Theorem I highly recommend giving it a watch.

If there's something you'd like to see Twilight try, please let me know in the comments!

Comments

[Punk Rock Prom Queen]

How about Twilight tries playing Warhammer 40k or Age of Sigmar ( the table top version).

[singing steel]

Twilight tries halo the game

[Animak]

well that went differently than expected heh heh
how about twlight tries doing an ancestry dna test?

[Onyx Quill]

Twilight tries fighting in WWI.

[ANW]

So like a reverse big bang theory.

I don't think Twilight has ever been on a gameshow.

11571151
I hope you mean a video game about it, and not the real thing.
That will require alot of Luna's help afterwards.

[kaafan10]

twilight tries to ignore the annoying orange

[Drake Redwing]

Twilight tries speaking with Unicron from Transformers

[Zubric]

Could have been stood. She could have interacted with that machine from rhe one hitchhikers guide to the black books. Those thing that shows just how insignificant you are in the universe

[penguincascadia]

If that’s too much of a sciencey explanation for you, just think of the Zero Theorem as a mathematical formula that would prove that everything is meaningless.

But if the Zero Theorem were not true, that would mean the universe would continue to expand and entropy would increase, eventually resulting in a big void, thus also making everything meaningless.