Previous Chapters
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An intruder at the frontier outpost3,254 words
The spy amongst us6,946 words
Unusual transformations8,120 words
Stuck with friends6,587 words
Friends may be of use11,817 words
A good spy, a bad magician6,641 words
The hardest trial of all7,160 words
No escaping it, is it?..5,790 words
Time to falter, time to fail8,413 words
Recollections and reflections4,125 words

Recollections and reflections

Meet me – the Spy.

That was the very first thing I said, when I started.

So they call me. For my stealth. For my abilities – to disguise as my enemies, to penetrate even air-tight rooms – and to steal secrets.

I have exercised the above – throughout my entire journey!..

…No, they build defences, prepare an ambush and lock their secrets away – that’s no laughing matter!

Where have the above led me to?! “Ambush”…

While I do my job: I breach their defences, attack from behind, crack their locks.

I wonder… Have they… won??.. N… N-no!..

That’s, however, not why they fear me. Being a spy means being able to infiltrate among the opponents and to hide in plain sight. To be indistinguishable from them. Not to give oneself away!

True… That is exactly what it means to be… me… To… “hide in… plain sight”. To…

I am the Spy.

This one… is actually…

…I think, it’s…

No, but wait.

What kind of a SPY??!.. finds himself in my situation??!

“…Move not a muscle”.

The guards are ready to attack at a mere suspicion of our going anywhere.

We are frozen. All three of us.

“Surrender peacefully! – it is ordered to us. – Save everyone the trouble!”

…But… There is no, there can be NO way I could!.. surrender to ANYONE!.. What would the other fellow spies think?! What would they say?!..

…

Before long… Twilight Sparkle… reacts.

Her horn is charged. And her core… I mean, her soul… her heart… is conflicted. To an unimaginable extent!

There is no describing what she’s feeling! No retelling!.. Fear… Despair. Sun! There is no way she can allow!.. For the unthinkable to happen!.. Even if it means… worsening… the situation…

The punishment is delivered instantaneously: a magical bolt stops her… n… not dead… She fails to scream. Goes limp… Hum… Really familiar… Spike?.. Remind you of anything?..

“What have I just told you?! – scolds one of the guards. – Not a muscle! Am I clear?!”

Panic… is close… Though it can‘t be!.. Spike can’t help. He watches… watches… Twilight… S… S-S-Sparkle!.. Ugh… F-f-fall… He looks at me… Back at her… At me again. Spike…

Despair…

…They are closing in. The moment we are subjugated… I am subjugated… is… all the closer… the more time passes…

The world goes darker. Depression, are you visiting my soul‘s humble abode? You’re not welcome. Go away.

…

“Depression”…

…I remember that moment.

I helped myself to…

Ugh!..

…What kind of a spy am I?!

…

I am… the Spy!..

…And that means!..

And that means, I could be any one of those I’d infiltrate.

No, no!.. That means!..

The connection has been established.

I do try not to move a muscle – just the way they’ve told me.

“Fire”, – the command is uttered.

Everypony present is bracing himself. Especially Spike the dragon…

…But no fire follows. No one attacks us. Everypony present’s face goes stiff; breath catches in their throats…

They cannot help themselves. They can’t help but feel… Unconditionally. Like the prey…

But I am of Hunters…

That’s right! I am of Hunters!..

And what can they do about it?

Nothing! They can’t help but… lose control of their bodies!..

Whatever spells their horns are charged with – they miss me and Spike entirely. Snorts are heard all around!..

Everypony present… is overcome with laughter!..

…I feel hunger.

Everyone around me… doubles down… Keels over! They can’t help themselves: it tickles so much!..

I feel slight irritation…

There is no doubt they are suffering. I see into their souls… I see their confusion, their frantic scrambling… I see refusal in their cores, I see anxiety… I… see…

…Failure to be saved.

…they can’t control their own emotions. They feel unconditionally. Regardless of their needs. Their desires. Their objectives.
They are weak.

I see their weakness to my tickling. And it is good!

The poison I’ve collected… is replaced steadily… with positivity…

Everypony around me… is dying of laughter.

…

Energy conversion for the wi-i-in!..

…Well… It looks, as though… I-I…

…Have not failed.

But of course… I am the Spy. The Spy does not fail! The Spy can always come back on the top!

Finally! I knew I could!.. Why should I have EVER doubted I could?!.. Who ELSE could’ve done it?! And come this far?! Would HE have kept going??!!..

The only one… who can make it to the spell… is me!..

…I, the Spy, – I can go Hunt for positivity! I will not die! I will survive!

Bye-bye, soldiers, who’ve come to apprehend me!

I am leaving!

…Before I have come any farther, I stop and look back.

The troublesome duo… The pony and her dragon… are lying on the floor, laughing their heads off… No, wait… That is not correct: the pony is simply shaking. Of laughter, yes… But silently. She cannot: she was paralysed by that magical bolt. She paid for her disobedience…

…I look at them. Time passes. I keep directing my negativity at everyone present in this room. No one can move. I am assured of that.

The pony is suffering of the tickling. That is delicious! But…

I won’t wish anyone to feel what I feel…

…No, Twilight Sparkle.

No!

Whatever you may‘ve done, it’s not affected me. I am still the same! Have you changed anything in me? Anything at all?..

Well…

…The truth is, that I can’t feel shame for my attitude.

Huh… “Feel”… Hm…

…

Nope. Still nothing inside me. I told you, Twilight Sparkle, I’ve told you multiple times!..

…

Emotions… They can‘t stir in me! Right now they can’t be!..

What have you done to me… Twilight… Sparkle…

…What have you done?..

The tickling ceases. Everyone present starts to regain his bearings. The pony before me is still limp.

One last time… I perform the procedure I’ve come to despise as of recently. One last time…

I equip the wristlet. “Are you there?.. Are we… connected?”

Yes. We are… Once again…

…“Excellent. Truly… excellent… Now. We may… begin”.

…Twilight Sparkle.

“Yes?” – she answers.

“Tell me, Twilight Sparkle… – I muse. – …What?.. have you done to me?!”

The shout is sudden, I must admit…

“I have no idea, – Twilight Sparkle answers simply. – Whoever you are, I can’t remember seeing you. At all!”

Wonderful. Truly… wonderful… My cloaking wristlet has not failed me this time! But please, Twilight…

…Please… Twilight Sparkle…

…

“…Yes? – I hear. – What is it?”

…Twilight… Sparkle…

“Yes?..”

…Why… do I fail?..

“H-huh?..”

She is truly, genuinely confused. What in the name of hecks am I talking about??

“That is right, Twilight Sparkle, – I say. – I appear to fail”.

“Well…”

“Please, tell me, Twilight Sparkle, – I continue. – Why do I fail to be myself??!”

“Huh?.. What?.. How could anyone fail to be oneself??? D… doh!..” Perplexity is written all over her. “That is impossible!.. You!.. can’t be anyone but yourself!!..”

“Incorrect, Twilight Sparkle, – I rebut. – I can be anyone! I am anyone!..”

“But… H… How can you be??.. – she sputters. – You… You are you! Not someone else!”

“I, – I say, – am known to be… Well…”

What am I?

I know: as per the prey’s standards I am a monster. But monsters are supposed to be bad. While I? I…

“…Quite different”, – I finish.

“I… don’t follow”, – she confesses.

…I am distant – and it makes me really curious as to what it feels like to feel shame for being me.

“For what it’s worth, Twilight Sparkle, – I inform, – I… feel no shame”.

“But… why should you???”

“I am feared… – I ruminate, – hated… envied”.

“But… why?..”

To that I have no answer. I have no idea why… Why can‘t I answer her?.. I am feared – for I am of Hunters!.. I’m hated – for I torture prey. And envied… for I am the best.

…So… By the end of the day…

Why?

“WHY, Twilight Sparkle?! – I erupt. – Why did you have to screw it up?!”

“ME??! W-w-w!.. What DID I ever screw up?!!”

“Everything!.. Everything, Twilight!..”

Everything… But not now!.. Oh, no, you don’t, Twilight Sparkle!.. Not this time…

Sorry!

“Ever since you‘ve appeared, Twilight Sparkle… I have been burdened. I’ve had to take care of your worthless friends!..”

“My friends are not worthless!!!!!!!!!” – she defends; however I hardly listen.

“…who can‘t do anything right! All they’ve done has been holding me down in my affairs!..” I intake air shakily. “…The burden is unbearable! I‘ve had to escape them… to hide from everyone!.. But it’s still not enough! The two of you, you and your dragon, are still following me!”

“WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!! I have NO IDEA what!!..”

“…But of course you wouldn’t, Twilight Sparkle!.. – I calm down. – How would you?.. Tell me only one thing, Twilight…”

I pause, because this can’t be easy. No… Honestly, she is the worst!..

“…What thing?..”

…Huh?.. “Twilight Sparkle…”

“Yes?”

“…What… do I do to you?.. In this situation…”

She has officially lost any sense of direction.

I clarify:

“Soldiers are around, all ready to apprehend two ponies and a dragon… If I were to leave… then you’d be left all by yourself. Now do tell me honestly, Twilight Sparkle…”

Despite there being no distance between us – only a connection – I do lean closer… I have no idea, what I’m doing:

“…Do you think… that you can do it. Do you really?.. Twilight?..”

The world goes silent. Laughter, that‘s been flooding the atmosphere, is gone. Only I and the pony, who’s caused me nothing but trouble, are still here…

She can‘t… She truly couldn’t… But she does stare… At me… I can tell… I have no idea how…

“Roach Coach”, – she utters in disbelief and shock.

“Do you, Twilight Sparkle?” – I insist.

She contemplates. “Hm…” Not for long. “The soldiers have us surrounded. There is no hope. But… Roach?”

Here we go… “Roach”…

“Do you think, – she asks, – you are a good pony? I mean… changeling?”

No.

Not a pony… and not a changeling, whatever that is.

“No, Twilight Sparkle, – my answer is. – I am not good. I am feared and hated for a reason, Twilight!..”

Really, I must stop it! Whatever it is, it does screw me up!.. Must be the reason of my failures, there is no other way!..

“Roach…”

“No, I am not good, Twilight Sparkle!..”

“…if I promise not to hate you… Do you think, that, maybe… maybe, you can be good?”

Oh, Twilight… Sparkle. There is no way around you! Stubborn, as ever!..

“Roach, please! I know you can! You’ve helped me and Spike before!..”

No, Twilight.

Urgh!..

“Just as I thought, – I spit. – Be it your way, Twilight Sparkle!..”

Hope, glee are lit in her core:

“Really?!”

“Do keep hoping I will, Twilight S-s-sparkle!..” Gosh darn it, Twilight!!.. “But I can see…”

And with that I end it with:

“You are hopelessly clueless, Twilight Sparkle!..”

And I, for one last time, release her.

…this one is not empty: about a dozen of soldiers is ambushing us, their weapons pointed forward, and their horns – charged to zap a possible intruder.

…The laughter that had died… That was not just me!..

Hum-m-m, nice security system, I must commend!

Every single pony in this chamber… is armed.

However they are not hasty to use any of their weapons… They are staring at me. Uncertainly.

I realise I have done something… unforgivable.

The door behind us is closed and shut magically again.

What have I done??.. What’s happened??.. Wait… I am now… the only Twilight Sparkle there is…

An object falls.

It should be near to impossible to infiltrate!..

My cloaking wristlet.

I hasten to pick it up; the guards remember their task and attempt “weakening” me.

No. Hold it still… There is yet one way I can…

Almost impossible…

I am not satisfied yet. Their vulnerability…

Yes!.. Once again everyone loses his marbles and doubles over!

Twilight Sparkle is out – once again, – and my wristlet is back where it belongs. Good!

I get myself comfortable. There is no need to rush. I’ve won!

Not… exactly as planned. And yet…

The tickling dies down, but is not completely gone. They are not senseless. Yet there is hardly anything they can do!..

It’s time to leave.

I cough for a bit. To gather everyone’s attention. Then I turn around…

Spike the dragon is still there, lying on the floor. I stare him down.

I speak:

“That is correct”. Let them all hear me! Although I mostly talk to Spike. “I am the one, who partied two days ago. I was the one impersonating Twilight Sparkle. I was the one to get arrested. I was the one you tried to get off the hook… I was the one, who escaped. I was the one, who was hiding!.. I am the one everyone is after”.

I pause for a moment. I think they are attempting to listen to me – although… with my feeding off of them it, in all honesty, should be difficult.

They are struggling to get a grip of themselves. Spike is rolling and whimpering, presumably at the same time listening to me in shock.

Twilight Sparkle is still unconscious…

I have no time for to wait for her.

“That’s right! I am the one!..” The best part of this supposed failure, though?.. “…And… what can you do?” I allow myself to chuckle. “Kill me right here??”

Nobody can answer that to me!..

“Hear this…”

I could be right behind you! I might be standing next to your commander, as they are warning you about my inevitable arrival! I could be said commander! I could be your best friend! I could even be you!
And all thanks to what, you’ll ask?

“Not only am I the Spy!.. but I…”

I proceed to the orifice in the wall:

“…must be heading. It’s been an inexplicably good while, surely I must admit. But…”

I pause, as I stop.

“…but I am sick of this tomfoolery!”

I turn around:

“The Spy is not one to befriend!.. Not one to keep around!.. I may have befriended you… But!..”

The pony beside Spike has come to her senses and is along with everybody else whimpering of the slight tickles. Listen here, and you listen well!..

“…Ever since I‘ve been around, Twilight Sparkle, I’ve faced nothing but complete acceptance! No matter what, you‘ve welcomed me with open arms!.. But it’s still not enough for you! My words mean nothing to you!.. Ugh… Not to any of you…”

Really, I can’t understand it. And if I could, maybe… maybe, I should be able to learn not to Hunt?

And stop tickling my enemies into submission??!

After all, I could replenish my saturation just by spending time with my friends?..

I’ve been there. Tried that! And look at what it has led me to!..

…

I will not succumb. No!!! The very moment I became the Spy I knew I was the one to fit the role!

“I suppose, I should be sorry, – I continue, – to disappoint you like that… To leave you hanging…”

The focus of my attention – the pony and her dragon – make a feeble attempt to say something coherent… What can you say to me?.. that can possibly change my mind?

What can you say?..

“Oh, but you mustn‘t! No one must leave one’s friends like that! No one!!!.. This calls for extreme measures! Friendship-will-save-the-day style!”

Oh, please!.. Ugh…

I don’t think I can repeat this… any more!..

I do really think I… will not.

…

…Good bye, everypony. Good bye, Twilight Sparkle. Do forget about the Spy…

…Do forgive him…

I could be right behind you!

…

I could be your best friend!

…

Once again I turn to leave. And as I do I find myself muttering:

“…I do understand… But… there cannot be any other way… The Spy MUST go! A purpose, given to me!..”

No. The Spy will not… engage in friendship… The Spy did know what he was getting himself into…

He absolutely had to keep the appearance!!.. The task so uneasy!.. The one he could tackle!!..

“…Only I could do this…” – I whisper.

At the very entrance I stop. This is it… Why do I feel, as though… I’ve committed a crime?.. What have I done??..

I know.

…I’ve replaced their friend.

“There was no other way… – I do whisper again. – My task HAD to be carried out! An objective they gave to me – the best of the best!!!”

That is… right…

…The best of… the best…

In a swift motion I face them – my hardest challenge of them all! – and, surprising everyone, myself included, scream at the top of my lungs:

“Who else could have blended in?! Won your trust?! Lived under the same roof – even without raising ANY suspicions?!?! Who could have deceived you all?!!”

I tremble… Why should I?..

“…It had to be done… Could anyone ELSE have even STARTED?! Would there have been one to try?! To have come this far?! Would there have been one to keep going?!!.. That‘s right… Only a spy… the Spy – has risen to the challenge… disturbed friends’ lives…”

…What will the two of them answer to that?..

Ugh…

…I have no idea…

“No, Spy! – Spike the dragon says, trembling, although, unlike I… of anger. – You are just a wicked impostor! The wickedest Equestria has ever seen! And!.. Boy!.. I can‘t believe it! I have… EVERYONE has trusted you!!! Believed you!! Everyone has come… NO! – given one’s LIFE for!.. For… For whom we all believed to be our friend Twilight!!!..”

…He’s… trembling with rage. Shaking. His contempt… Oh!.. No. No amount can express it…

He is ever, ever so-so mad at me. At the real me… At the Spy…

He finds his voice again:

“…You… Urgh!!.. I was so worried!!!.. That YOU of all the changelings might have!..” Words fail him. “…Never been seen!! EVER AGAIN!!!..”

…It is… unknown… more of what is there inside him… Anger?.. Or… resent? Grievance? I cannot tell…

When he needed Twilight… he…

…When he needed Twilight Sparkle… he… could not imagine her abandoning him – or any of her friends.

And so I didn’t. I did something else, in fact: I saved him.

Exactly what Twilight Sparkle… would have done.

Now. Spike is heart-broken. The trust he’s had… I… have broken it, have I not?.. I, the Spy… have broken his trust…

So much for loyalty.

I’ve failed to be his friend… I… was afraid of failure… But I… could never imagine!.. to fail at friendship of all things!..

…Have I failed you, Twilight Sparkle?.. No, I do not think I have! I… cannot be held accountable! No! My promise was void from the beginning; I have made no promise!..

“…There was… no other way…” – I do nonetheless squeak.

“Aargh!! Darn you, darn you all the way through!!!” – Spike erupts at my flimsy protest…

My… protest… I… am protesting… am I not?.. Protesting…

What…

“Roach”.

…Twilight…

…Twilight S… Sparkle.

…What do you want, Twilight?

…D… Darn it…

…

“…Roach, please!”

“Ahem!”

Off to the side… forgotten by everyone…

…Guards have been listening.

“Everyone is under arrest! For mind-capturing, attempting to escape, resisting the law enforcement repeatedly, having spied for another country and being generally mean to the innocent!”

…One of them… is frozen…

“Further attempts to resist us will result in extreme measures! Royal-guard-style! I will say this once and once only: make no attempt to escape and proceed with us!..”

He is here!

The weak die not because they can’t have stood the strong.

He is amongst them!

They just invent new ways to cope.

He is one of them!.. Disguised as one of them!..

And if they can’t – then they die.

Roach Coach!

…How?.. Why is he here??!..

All is forgotten: the raving dragon, his impossible pony companion, my own troubles, the guards… Only one pony is here now – beside me… Only one pony – who is not actually a pony at all.

One single royal guard… who froze internally upon hearing Twilight Sparkle utter one name…

Naturally… She thought I was actually… Roach Coach!.. But I was not…

It was a safe bet… How???.. There was absolutely no way he… could have!..

Did… did he… arrive to this city???.. The same city I found myself in after my escape??.. How could that happen??!..

The last time I saw him… was…

That’s right. At that party!.. So… When he fled…

I wonder: how far could he get? How far did he get??..

…Poniville… From there it was… Hum… Since I’ve been to Poniville… How many days have passed?..

Hm-m-m… One day. For about one day I’ve been missing. The day before… was the party… Two days ago.

That was the day Roach Coach… decided to attend our party… I had him exactly where I wanted him… but he still!..

“It must feel really great to have such wonderful friends, does it not?” – he asks.

He still!..

“I have learnt by far more about friendship, than you. I of all have to know making friends is not enough to be their friend”.

He… Well… Let us forget about that… f-for a moment. Please…

Please, someone… help me!
Sun… Help me…

Please…

Let us forget… and move on… More, than that, happened that day!.. For example!..

Yes… That day Roach Coach… fled…

But then how??.. He had about two days to reach here…

No, wait… The shield was raised yesterday. Unless he found a crack in it… he could not sneak in!

So, then… He had about one day… to reach this place… before I raised the roof…

At which speed did he leave? – I wonder…

Where am I?..

No more ruminating!

I peer into him.

Just as before – fear.

Animalistic fear.

“It was you”, – I transmit for him to know.

It appears, he is on to collapse under my gaze. Of course… Weakling!

He finds it in himself to attempt a grin. Figuratively speaking: all of the exchange is carried out emotionally.

“I knew it… – he grins. – I knew it! I knew it!!!”

Cockiness… Unusual… cockiness…

He is triumphing – but why would he?..

Laughter.

He is laughing. Openly!

This manages to distract the rest of the guards. Nonetheless…

“Fool! What are you doing?!” – I only think to him.

“A-a-ha-ha!.. Oh, my!” He wipes a tear. “Goodness! Who would have guessed? That the Spy!.. That same Spy!..”

He shuts up and speaks emotionally again:

“…would actually fall!.. So low!”

What?

He thinks: “They care about you. And you care about them… don’t you?”

No… Roach Coach. I do not; I could not care less!

We – we are not weak.

I am the Spy – and how many times must I re-iterate that?! I do not care. How could I?..

“Enough!.. fooling around!”

The guard is right.

…Enough.

Do see for yourself… Roach Coach! Am I the weakling here? No. I am not! For Sun-can-remember-which time I reach for the Energy… For Sun-can-remember-which time I… strike! And once again – everyone is overcome with the itch that can’t be scratched!

But our strength isn’t enough. So we cope.

Everyone… except for… Roach Coach…

He is not overcome with it. No…

He is burning. My negativity… It’s burning him alive!

Well… No one has ever attempted what Roach Coach is… No Hunter would…

But Roach Coach does. He refuses to be tickled! And prefers instead, he die!

A fool indeed!

Good bye, Roach Coach.

Good bye, Twilight Sparkle. Good bye, Spike. The Spy must be off… Do not worry: the guards know now, who’s been behind it all… Everything will be… OK.

Everything will be fine… Twilight Sparkle. Please, do take good care…

I will not baby-sit you. Not any more…

…Good bye.

Paying no one any more heed, I finally do proceed to the exit. The sewers will be left. And the Spy?.. He will be back to normal. Once again.

Yes, it is time to wonder: what’s next? I must find that Sun-forsaken Canterlot!.. I must get in! Who knows, how much less time would have been lost, if only!.. If only…

Ugh… If only nothing had interfered!.. But this mission is not of my easiest – oh nay! Nay… I have… undergone most peculiar… transformations!.. I‘ve learnt things! Thanks to these ponies!.. I’ve felt!.. Felt unimaginable things – and what kinds of things those were!

I’ve come a long way – but now I must go…

And I can’t… I am… paralysed – but with what? How?..

How??..

HOW???

I feel… weak… And sleepy…

Laughter that’s rung around… has all died down… and all the guards… are… fully functioning… again.

Arrest… seems inevitable…