Silent Ponyville: Hellfire

SamRose #1 · Oct 23rd, 2019 · 3 · · Sputtering Light ·

Honestly, this isn't a bad start! You definitely have the structure of a Silent Ponyville story down, your grammar is fairly solid, and the conflict feels kinda natural. Also having Starlight be the one to cast the spell is fun havoc in its own right. I can totally see Twilight walking in later and going "You did WHAT!?"

Interested to see where you go with it and how you play out the horror, and curious to find out what's deeply plaguing Sunset. I have a few guesses, but I'll keep them to myself for the moment. I'll be sure to keep an eye out if you stick with this story!

Avogadro

Avogadro #2 · Oct 23rd, 2019 · 1 · · Sputtering Light ·

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She even accepted the stuffed bear being gently pressed into her arms. Front legs. Whatever.

This is the first indication that we get, more than halfway through the chapter, that any character is either pony or human at the time. I was going through this part of the chapter visualizing everyone as their human selves, then suddenly I read that and think, "Oh shit! They've been naked and on all-fours this whole time."

I LOVE Silent Hill, so I want this story to succeed and last for many chapters, but I do have that one gripe.This is fanfaction obviously aimed at fans who are very familiar with the character designs, description of physical appearance isn't nearly as important as it is in other kinds of stories... But I recommend giving a little bit of it here and there for reference to clarify things like species or describing how someone feels by showing their facial expressions instead of just telling it, that kind of thing. Especially when something major changes like sunset losing her jacket in a chase, or if she gets a nasty injury from something with too many fingers with too-long nails.

Your description for actions, emotions, and thought processes is on point, though. You're doing a really good job there, and you'll surely write a very compelling story if you already have the full plot fleshed out in your head.

Sairen

Sairen #3 · Oct 24th, 2019 · 1 · · Sputtering Light ·

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9900780
Ohmygosh, thank you! I read Silent Ponyville years ago and just listened to the reading on youtube recently and felt inspired. Sunset seemed like a natural person to go through the treatment because while we know her redemption pretty well, we know very little of what made her that person in the first place. Even with the comics, she had already shown a strong desire for power and yet doesn't struggle with that desire for power once she has friendship like Discord does and she's shown to have more natural ability to understand emotions than Starlight. So it seems like she truly saw power as the only way to gain what she was seeking and with how good she was at people, to manipulate a whole school, it seemed like something would happen that would make her view friendship as truly not an option.

Which I have my own headcanons about and now just taking them to the extreme grimdark levels for her Silent Hill way.

Twilight in later seasons also seemed more likely to try to do things the more emotionally right way, since she's had so many lessons, then to solve with magic. While magic could have become an option, it would have taken longer to get there and it would have posed a few more plot problems along the way. But Starlight, while she's been learning magic isn't the best solution most times with emotional problems, Sunset insisted on it! And has experience with it! So clearly it's okay! Except not, but always good to have friendship lessons around.

Sairen

Sairen #4 · Oct 24th, 2019 · 2 · · Sputtering Light ·

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9900935
There are should be a number of more references in later chapters. Really for the first chapter, i was more reliant on some canon familiarity for differences. Like while Sunset is in the human world, I reference things like the internet existing to make it clear she starts out on Earth. Then when she sees Twilight, she references the school she's running to show it's Princess Twilight.

I do actually plan on using description both of her physical form and the world itself for certain effects. I'll do my best to make sure if things are unclear, it's because they're meant to be unclear.

I really do hope I can do it justice. I've only written a little horror, but I've always love the idea of a terror dungeon made of one's own psyche and Sunset has a lot of room to play with that.

Chapter 17

Chapter 17 #5 · Oct 25th, 2019 · 2 · · Sputtering Light ·

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Pretty much what Sam said. Consider this story tracked!

Charli13

Charli13 #6 · Oct 26th, 2019 · 2 · · Sputtering Light ·

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Consider yourself favorited and followed

Kevin shough

Kevin shough #7 · Nov 7th, 2019 · 2 · · Sparking ·

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It good

Allsmiles

Allsmiles #8 · Nov 9th, 2019 · 1 · · Sparking ·

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(I like how logically Sunset's approaching the situation. Not one to panic, but to evaluate and adapt. Works for her.)

Sairen

Sairen #9 · Nov 9th, 2019 · 1 · · Sparking ·

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9932439
It certainly does. She managed to last two and a half years not outing herself as a pony, she can deal with 'world has gone crazy' fairly well. Now dealing with the nightmares and dangers themselves is another matter...

Allsmiles

Allsmiles #10 · Nov 12th, 2019 · 1 · · Sparking ·

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9932459
(Heh, physical altercations with monsters trying to kill you is always a bit different than simply processing an altered environment. I look forward to the future monster designs! I have a fondness for creepy monsters actually.)

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