Horse Drawn Omnibus

by Hazel Mee

4 - Nature is Fascinating

Characters: Human OC, Cinder Glow, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy

Triggers: Alcohol use; horrid, horrid, horrid descriptions of food

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Gary's limbs were drained and loose after a long and productive day doing physical labour. A musky scent of fallen leaves and the cool, crisp breeze had him almost floating as he ambled on noddle-y legs to his favourite pub in Ponyville.

Small praise considering it was the only pub in Ponyville.

He kicked his heavy steel-toed boots against a pillar supporting the rustic pub's porch and, feet fairly dirt-free, he tromped inside. Thick curtains kept it dim in the open lower floor, so he waited for his eyes to adjust. Maybe ponies didn't like watching other ponies get drunk? Was it taboo? He'd never asked, but the place would be crowded later in the evening. It was kind of dead this early as most ponies were still out in their fields. A bar ran along one wall and Cinder Glow, a dark-furred kirin, stood behind it, polishing a large glass mug. He smiled. She observed him with half-lidded eyes and a blank expression.

"No way!"

Rainbow Dash's squeaky, raspy laughter caught Gary's attention and, peering through the gloom, he spotted her rainbow tell-tail at a table toward the back. Gary grinned and headed her way, weaving around several unoccupied tables. Dash was always fun to hang out with at the end of a long day. That mare loved to party almost as much as Pinkie, but was more into guzzling beer and cider than cupcakes. She told hilariously rude stories once she'd had a few.

Rude for ponies, anyway.

Fluttershy was sitting with her, blushing furiously through her buttery-yellow fur as Rainbow Dash fell out of her chair and rolled around on the floor, clutching at her sides, gasping between howls of laughter.

"It's not that funny", Fluttershy whined. She had an exasperated, put-upon look - which was practically her default mood around Rainbow Dash.

Dash just laughed even harder!

"Afternoon, Fluttershy. Dash."

Fluttershy's eyes went big with surprise. "Oh… Oh! H-hello, Mr Stu. How are you this evening?"

"I'm great! You?"

Shy smiled and waved an inviting hoof at one of the empty chairs at their table. "I'm... fine. Won't you join us?"

Gary figured she wouldn't turn him away. Humans were pretty uncommon around these parts, and Shy was fascinated by rare creatures. "I'd love to, thanks." He hooked a thumb at Rainbow Dash while squatting onto a little child-size chair. "What's up with her?"

Shy set down her mug and licked her lips. "Mmm… I really don't know. I was only telling her about ants."

"Ants?"

"Mmhmm. I helped Golden Harvest clear aphids from her crop and that meant moving the ants too, of course."

"Of course." Gary nodded wisely, pretending to understand. He might live in a farming community, but he barely knew roots from branches. "So… Why is that funny?"

Fluttershy shrugged and Dash squeaked from the floor, "T-tell him what they eat!"

Gary cocked an eyebrow at Shy, who pouted, determined not to say a word.

"Go oooon!" Dash nudged Fluttershy as she climbed back onto her chair. She shook, lifting her wings to shed a small cloud of dust into the already close air in the pub. "Tell him!" Rainbow Dash winked and grinned at Gary. "You'll get a kick outta this, big guy."

Fluttershy sighed and reluctantly said, "Aphids bite into a plant to drink its sap and, in exchange for the ants' protection, they produce honeydew-"

"From their butts!" Rainbow Dash crowed.

Gary burst out laughing at Dash's ecstatic, impish grin.

"Tch. Not you too", Fluttershy muttered while hiding behind her mug.

Gary was wiping his eye when a mare cleared her throat to get his attention. He twisted in his seat and Cinder Glow, standing by his elbow, cocked an eyebrow and tilted her head in mute query about what he'd have to drink. Now, normally, Gary was quite fond of Kirin Beer, it was cheap and tasty enough, but, well, he'd heard unsettling if silly rumours. With thoughts of aphids and ants dancing in his head, he opted for, "Uh… Hollow Stout, please."

She blinked, nodded once, and trotted back to the bar.

"And a nachos platter", he called after her. Rose might kill him if he filled up before dinner, but Dash would probably scarf half the appetiser, anyway.

"Come on, Shy!" Dash yelled in an exasperated manner that she probably thought of as 'being reasonable'. "How can you not laugh at bugs eating bug poop and thinking it's the best thing ever?"

"Because it really is the best thing ever for their precious little ant colony."

"It's disgusting!"

"It's no worse than what we ponies - and humans - do, when you really think about it."

"Hah! Yeah, right." Dash's chuckle echoed as she drank from her nearly empty mug.

"It's true!" Fluttershy's eyes narrowed in an uncharacteristically sly look.

Gary thought, 'Oh, shit. This gonna be good.' The corners of his lips quirked up and he settled in to witness Shy take her brash friend down a peg.

"Well, have you heard the rumours about that Kirin beer you're enjoying so much?" Shy quietly asked.

Rainbow Dash laughed, banged her mug on the table, and made a show of licking her lips. "Yeah, not buying it, Shy."

Fluttershy nodded and said, "Oh, yes, it's not true of course." She smiled and nodded to Cinder Glow as she brought a foamy mug to their table. "But how they really brew beer is pretty awful, if you think about it."

"Thanks", Gary said to Cinder before slurping a mouthful of bitter, burnt, brown bubbles. Delicious!

"At harvest time-", Fluttershy began. Sitting up straight and falling into a lecturing voice - though she came across more like a mare telling her foals a breezietale. "In the fall we harvest barley by cutting it down and thrashing it on the ground to separate the momma plant from the little baby barley grains."

"Huh", snorted Dash, her curiosity stirring. She knew even less about growing crops than Gary.

"We put millions and millions of barley babies in silos to store them. Only a few of will be lucky enough to be planted in the spring so they can grow up big and strong with babies of their own. Most will be eaten in salads and soups, or get ground up into flour to make bread and cakes."

Dash stuck her tongue out. "Ick. Don't tell Pinkie."

"Oh, I'm sure she already knows, and what we do to make beer is far, far worse. We put the barley babies in a big barrel and give them some water so that they'll start to grow." Fluttershy mimed laying out a hoofful of seeds and drizzling water on them from a can. "Then just when they poke out their first cute little root, looking for tasty soil to eat-" She covered her face with her hooves and peeked out from behind them with big, blinking, adorable eyes. "-they're shoved into an oven!" Grinning demoniacally, Fluttershy thrust her forelegs out, banging her hooves on the table.

Gary and Dash jumped at the noise, and Gary could practically hear tiny little plant screams as they- Oh, wait, that was Fluttershy squealing as she shrank back into her chair.

"We bake them dead and toasty brown, before grinding up their charred bones and boiling them in a big pot."

Rainbow Dash's blue fur took on a greenish cast and even omnivorous Gary felt a bit queasy.

With an innocent smile, Fluttershy went on, "We make the boiled baby soup even sweeter by adding dried plant blood or insect vomit."

"Insect vomit?" asked Dash while giving her almost-empty mug the stink eye.

"Mmhmm. What do you think honey is? They also add sliced off plant hoohoos for bitterness and aroma."

Gary asked, "Plant 'hoohoos'?"

Buttershy's cheeks flushed pink. "Umm… private parts."

"You mean roots?" That was about the only 'private' part of a plant that he could think of.

"N-no. Um… n-nethers? Honey pot? M-muff?" Shy was getting redder and redder and Gary was only more confused.

Dash swallowed and choked a bit on thick saliva. She coughed and said, "I think she means 'vagina', big guy. Do they really put that in beer?"

Flusteredshy nodded quickly.

"Ohh…" Gary cocked an eyebrow at Fluttershy. "Really?"

Shy, eager to change the subject, rapidly said, "It all gets boiled and boiled and boiled until the delicious juices leech out of the baby grain corpses and… and vajayjays. Once this sweet soup has cooled, they add yeast, which are itty-bitty creatures we also use to make bread. These little critters feast on the shugar, peeing and farting so much they wind up poisoning the soup and killing themselves!"

"P-peeing?!" Dash quavered.

"Mmhmm!" Fluttershy grinned happily and nodded. "It's their poisonous pee that makes us tipsy." She winked and very casually drank a swallow from her mug, "Yummy. This sure is some tasty infant soup toilet water with a hint of boiled hoohoo."

Gary's long hair blew back. Dash's chair spun on one leg and toppled. The mare's room door banged shut on a dissipating rainbow trail.

Gary swallowed a mouthful of saliva and glared at Shy. "You're terrible."

Fluttershy just giggled cutely.

"Awww, tartarus." Gary ignored his rebellious stomach and forced himself to drink a sip of Hollow Stout. The flavour wasn't quite as delicious, somehow, but he grimaced and swallowed past the lump in his throat.

Cinder Glow returned with a tray balanced on her back and a wonderful savoury scent of warm nachos, smothered with melted cheese, green onions, and sour cream make Gary's queasy tummy rumble. He nodded his thanks to Cinder, snatched up a handful of gooey chips, and shoved them into his mouth, eager to taste something other than murdered infants.

Fluttershy leaned forward and with a little smile she asked, "Want to hear how they make cheese?"

Author's Note:

I'm frequently annoyed by the separation of 'Natural' and human. Isn't human intellect, culture, and science a natural result of the Universe doing its thing? Then I see news about pollution, war, or the latest fashion trends and think, Sure, but 'natural' doesn't mean 'good' now, does it?

Comments

[Cross Lament]

*quietly sips his mug of infused roasted ground-up baby water with crystallized plant blood and cattle excretions*

[tirilee]

That was a hilarious read

[Jphyper]

Sure, but 'natural' doesn't mean 'good' now, does it?

Indeed. Snake venom, crude oil, and carbon dioxide are all-natural materials, after all.

[DiscoPanda84]

10202417
And nightshade. Don't want to leave that classic off your list of natural stuff. And that one's even a plant!

[Arkonfleight]

I'm probably butchering it, but there's an old PTerry joke
"It's not natural!"
"I see. Do you eat your meat raw and sleep in a tree?"
And that's not even getting into aging meats or the really horrific stuff.
Balut. Pressed duck. Jugged hare. Casu marzu.

[Hazel Mee]

10202269
You MONSTER!

10202313
Glad you enjoyed it.

10202882
People do eat the oddest things... but even foods we think of a 'normal' are kind of horrific. Everything that lives, does so because something else died - except some very simple life such as bacteria and lichen. Fun times.