Missing memories, what happened at the cruise?

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Khanaervon

Khanaervon #1 · Aug 24th, 2019 · 2 · ·

I went into this expecting to read alcohol induced fun times. Instead I got the subplot of a romantic drama series.

Hopeful_Ink_Hoof

Hopeful_Ink_Hoof #2 · Aug 24th, 2019 · 3 · ·

The idea is interesting, but the execution needs work.

Biggest annoyance for me was the formatting. Every separate sentence was on a separate line, but there was spacing in what I guess was suppose to be separation of paragraphs. It should be something like this. Not sentence, next line, new sentence, next line, new sentence, space line, new paragraph.

Second, it's all very much a summary. We are just kind of being told what happened, with no real emotion. We don't even really get to know much about the main character beyond his name and injuries. We are given almost no details about anything.

The only real exception is the sex scene. And, unfortunately, because of how it does have description, it seems out of place. It's being spoken of like it's in first person, but it's from a person who doesn't remember any of it. Plus, it includes details that the girls would not be aware of, and also things I doubt they would be so explicit about. It's not a bad scene, but it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. A little more fleshing out of the events around it would definitely help. Maybe set up the sex scene as a proper flashback as well, either more from Fluttershy's perspective since she supposedly remembers it, or have the telling (or viewing since it was supposedly filmed) jog the character's memory, leading into the flashback from his POV.

Like I said, it's an interesting idea. Hopefully, you'll come back and expand on it further some time in the future.

zachary12