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Chapter 1- The loss413 words

Chapter 1- The loss

Spitfire slowly came to, as Soarin touched her. But... why was Soarin a filly? She looked down at herself, and saw that she, too, was a filly. "what the..." Said Spitfire, slowly waking up. "What happened?" "act natural." Said Soarin. As Spitfire came to comepletly, she saw that she was in a room surrouned with other fillies. "We're back at the young flyers competition from when we were fillies." Said Soarin. "We should check what number we are.." said Spitfire, looking down at her flank. She saw that she was number 33, and so was soarin. "We were a team act.." Said Spitfire. "Next up, numbers 32, the Storming lightnings!" Said the voice over a loudspeaker. They were quite a good team. They were peforming barrel rolls and flips, and when they finishedthey got a fresh cheer from the audience. Next up, numbers 33, the Wonderbolts! "You'll do this, guys!" Said a lot of voices from the other contestants. The group of the Storming Lightnings just said "what a bunch of overrated losers." As Soaring and Spitfire went out, they got a fresh cheer from the crowd. A lot of people had already heard of them. "Lets go" said spitfire, and Soaring nodded. But as soon as they tried to fly, they realized that all they could do was get a few feet of the floor. A fresh round of gasps came from the crowd. Soaring and Spitfire just walked off the stage after this, with their heads hung low. "What did we tell you all, a bunch of overrated losers." Said a member from the Storming Lightnings, along with jeers of "I thought you guys were cool." "And the winner of this years young flyers competition is...... Dancing Thunder!" The crowd cheered as the pony went on stage to claim her award, while the Storming Lightnings just stood there, twitching uncontrollably while there smiles grew to insanity.

Later That Night
"Lets get him now, his asleep." Said a pony, walking over to the bed of Dancing Thunder. Dancing Thunder then woke up, and saw the face of a pony. "W-w-who are you?" Asked Dancing thunder. When the pony just stood there, pulling out something, he grabbed her baseball bat and swung at the pony. "mum? Mum? MUM???" Yelled Dancing Thunder, attempting to hit the pony with a baseball bat, but Dancing Thunders mum didn't come. The pony then threw a needle at Dancing Thunder....

The next day...

"Today, we mourn the death of Dancing Thunder....."

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ChoccieWings

ChoccieWings #1 · Aug 20th, 2012 · · ·

Sorry for short chapter i made up for it in the plot raise you'll have to wait a bit for a new chapter, as gonna work a bit more on mane 6 play videogames. Hoped you like this (short) chapter!

Eep

Eep #2 · Aug 20th, 2012 · · ·

Okay, hum. I'm pretty sure that Soarin is a guy, in the show. Watch your capitals, and *start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks*. Also, for each new idea. You can see how I'm giving general advice in this paragraph, and I will start a new paragraph to address specifics.

(...)and when they finishedthey got a fresh cheer from the audience.

Two words stuck together, and what is a 'fresh cheer'? A 'loud cheer' or 'the crowd roared it's approval' would work.

In the second part of this chapter, it's a little confusing what's going on. When I read it through the first time, I thought that Dancing Thunder was beaten to death by a baseball bat, but then I was confused because Dancing's not holding the bat, some other pony is. I think the problem is this sentence:

When the pony just stood there, pulling out something, he grabbed her baseball bat and swung at the pony.

It's good not to use his name over and over, but the 'he' feels like it could apply to either character. Perhaps instead you could say 'the scared young colt' or only use half his name.

And having him die while screaming for a mother who never came is really sad.

However, having a character that is not in the show and I've never heard of before die is not very sad. I'm not invested in the character at all, so I don't really care about him more than the 'oh, well, he's dead. Too bad, I'm sure he had a full life ahead of him'. Contrast that to how I'd feel if it where, say, Spike who was killed. 'Noooooo!'

I think you have some interesting ideas in this chapter, but you really need to expand and explore them more. I think the two 'youngified' Wonderbolts would be freaking out, trying to figure out what happened. Instead, they just... Accept it? Which would work if they were described as being in shock, but since they aren't, it just feels like this is an everyday occurrence to them.

There could be more description of where they are, and maybe how they feel to be in younger and less strong bodies. Or maybe it feels great, all of the little aches and pains that would come from pushing your body as a professional athlete are gone?

I'd also describe them trying to remember their routine, and the rules for this competition. This could also be why they don't react to suddenly being kids, they're under pressure to preform right away and they don't have an act prepared for just the two of them! They might decide to just do the routine they were doing, since that's fresh in their minds, and go for it.

Then it would be interesting to have more description of them trying, and why they can't. They'd be able to fly, I would think, but their reflexes would be off. Maybe they start, and there is an announcer who says something about how 'This is a new formation for the Wonderbolts!' and everyone is excited. Then they can't quite pull off their routine, and they're wobbling around, and the crowd is confused. Then maybe something happens, they crash into each other, into the crowd, or into the building. The crowd is stunned, what happened to the number one rated team in the young flyers competition?

Meanwhile, through this, we could have Dancing Thunder watching them. Maybe he's not a bad pony, he's just as invested in winning as they are. He's practised just as long and hard as they have. Maybe he didn't want to win this way, he wanted to beat them fair and square. He could be angry at them for cheating him out of his victory, because they basically just went out there and treated it as a joke.

How would everyone else interpret them flying so badly? What would the other ponies assume? That they were drunk? That they had partied too hard the night before, and were hung over? That they were treating this as a joke, because they didn't care?

In conclusion... Interesting ideas, but you could play with them so much more than you have! I'd love to see you go back into this, and expand on it.

ChoccieWings

ChoccieWings #3 · Aug 20th, 2012 · · ·

1121998 sorry, I guess this was just a bad start for a fic I should probably edit it a bit... thanks for the help tho and it is supposed to be a dark fic soo...