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Big Mac Gets Hired At McDonald's

It is apple season and Sweet Apple Acres is running smoothly as ever. Their apples are fresh and juicy and they have got buckets and buckets coming off the trees every day. The only problem is nopony seems to be buying them any more. With their main source of income down the drain, Big Mac decides he will start providing for the family like any real stallion should.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 5
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Animak

Animak #1 · Jul 11th, 2019 · · ·

I feel the premise has promise, this execution is subpar.

Rescue Sunstreak

Rescue Sunstreak #2 · Jul 11th, 2019 · 3 · ·

Honest review,

The story had the potential to be a great comedy but...

1)The point of view of the story kept leaping around.
2)I see what you were going for, but it came off as clunky because it lacked the details of WHY. Why are they running of money, Why does big mack not know what McDonalds is, Why is there one in Ponyville?
3)You could use an editor, someone to go in, clean up lines, edit things, fix some grammar, and so on.

Overall everyone's first story is usually bad. Hopefully others will come in, offer you some more constructive views, and you can work on them with your next story attempt. Don't let the first dictate how you write the next one, use it as a object lesson.

Big_Mac_Lover77